DarthRevan243 Posted May 29, 2008 Share Posted May 29, 2008 Death to a Planet by DarthRevan243 Chapter 1: The Assault Revan stood at the helm of his empire, with no thought, no hesitation. he had made his decison. He would give Malak the order. ============================================================================================ Carth Onasi waited below, ready for the attack between the TSF and the Sith. The words of his wife echoed through his head "I love you Carth, and no matter what, we'll win this war" No more would he let Dustil suffer. He would wipe out every Sith on Telos to end it. Though his good luck was about to change. ============================================================================================ "Malak, is Saul giving the codes?" asked Revan "Yes Master. Shall we disable the Defence Network?" ============================================================================================ Carth realised his mentor, Saul Karath, was missing. ============================================================================================ "You may fire when ready Malak. And promote Saul to Admiral." "Yes Master" Malak turned to Saul. "Fire!" ============================================================================================ Carth realised what was happening, Saul was the only one who knew the defence codes. Saul had betrayed the Republic! To be continued.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthRevan243 Posted May 30, 2008 Author Share Posted May 30, 2008 Chapter 2: The Assault The Sith charged through the broken barrier. Kissing the TSF. Carth ran, ran home to his wife and son. "Good Work Saul, you are now Admiral of the Sith fleet. "Thaks you, Lord Revan" Bowed Saul ================================================================== Carth took his wife and Dustil outside, fearing that Telos was doomed! "Grab his wife and boy!" Shouted one of the Sith Soldiers "No!" Carth felt a ping in the back of his neck. A knockout Dart. e fell into the darkness of his dream. ================================================================== Carth woke. He saw his wife hiding under a Whola Bush. He ran over to her. Suddenly, a Building fell! Rocks and dust were scrambled in every direction. When the gas cleared. Carths wife, was dead. "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" To be continued.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthRevan243 Posted May 30, 2008 Author Share Posted May 30, 2008 Chapter 3: Death to a Planet Telos was dead, lifeless, nobody could bear to think of what loss they had suffered Carth searched for months for Dustil. He looked EVERYWHERE. He soon gave up. Grived and lonley. Carth decided he would join the Republic fleet. And hunt down Saul until he died ================================================================== Revan, Malak and Saul all looked n at Telos, the destroye homeland "Telos was weak, It had to be destroyed!" "I am now at your service, Lord Revan." Ended Saul The End Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 Kissing the TSF.What? :S First off, this is a very. very short fic. I have seen reviews longer than all three chapters combined! There's some typing mistakes here and there. I also found it a little odd that Saul and Carth were not Republic soldiers... I'm not sure how canonically accurate this is. Besides that, why would the Sith leave Carth alive? And do you mean "when the air cleared"? That is not the only example of word choice error. The Republic troops would probably be deployed to any battlesites, and the surface of Telos was canonically bombed into oblivion. Of course, you could just ignore canon:P After all, everyone has their own versions of canon! One thing though... It would a very emotionally-charged situation for Carth. Imho, it's more of the journey of the character that matters, describing his thoughts and feelings, whether directly or indirectly. The matter-of-fact tone in which you inform the readers of what is happening doesn't hold much appeal for me, as it reminds me too much of studying (ugh!). Anyway, keep writing and try reading fics like machievelli's, which contain an incredible amount of detail. I hope you take this in the same vein as it's offered; as constructive criticism. I hope I don't sound too harsh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted May 30, 2008 Share Posted May 30, 2008 I have to echo Bee Hoon's review here, I'm afraid. Firstly, this is very short and it could've all been posted in one post and each paragraph seems to look like extracts from what could've been expanded on. Each segment looks interesting and if made longer, you could've told a very interesting story, however, due to how short it is, it looks unfinished. Secondly, there is a lack of description. Description improves a story a lot and gives readers a reason to read on. Here, there is a little too much dialogue. Thirdly, this might just be me, but it doesn't make sense at all. I hope this review wasn't too harsh, but there wasn't much to say about this that was good. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarthRevan243 Posted May 30, 2008 Author Share Posted May 30, 2008 This was a practice. The full version will be 100x longer i can assure you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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