Information about the Dutch !

[Ascari]

Yes yes,

 

In my search of finding usefull stuff on the internet I saw this really handy manual. As U foreigners may have noticed is that there are a significant number of Dutch people on these forums ( considering we are a small country ). This manual will sort out a lot of generalisations about the dutch.

 

It might be a big read, but it's worth it!

 

 

Remember, a few of these items do not apply to me because i'm a Fries. ( Explained in item nr. 21 )

 

 

 

Dutch People -The Manual

------------------------

 

1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It reminds

him too much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word for Germans and

other things he doesn't like. A Dutchman is a Hollander or a

Nederlander.

 

2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in

Holland for more than five years. Not only will it give you a

splitting headache but also Hollanders won't understand a single

word of what you are trying to say. Foreigners are expected to

speak English or gibberish. Speaking gibberish they are easy prey for

pickpockets since they can't make a report to the police.

 

3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of licorice that

only Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: black.

The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax.

Hollanders absolutely love it and eat kilos of the revolting stuff.

There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners

who are tricked into believing it is edible.

 

4. Do not buy wooden shoes. They will look absolutely silly on you.

Which is ofcourse the main reason for selling them to you in the

first place. A Hollander himself wouldn't like to be found dead in

them. (As a matter of fact, they wouldn't like to be found dead at

all)

 

5. Do not make holes in dikes. Behaviour like that is not only

frowned upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with

wooden shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a

finger in any dike you like. It'll get you a few good laughs from

the natives.

 

6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in the

back of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them. If ever you

get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is

absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways. This will

drive him absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner you can't be

right. You agree with him. Therefore he also cannot be right.

Impossible! He is a Hollander. But.. why.. he.. At this point you

may want to stand back and watch him try to strangle himself with a

tulip.

 

7. Windmills are unavoidable.

 

8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills,

wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you came for the

softdrugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both

are available in a large quantity and are easy to find. Ask any

Hollander age six or older or any French tourist (see items 19 &

20)

 

9. Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is

merely an excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about

everyone else, including yours, after the game is won. ...Or

lost...Or if it is a draw. It is also very unwise to stand near a

policeman during these festivities. (see item 10) Also, whenever

there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention the '74 final!". You'll

end up in an ongoing discussion about how well the Orange team

played and how marvellous it is that a small country like Holland

has such a good team and blah-de-blah-de-blah.

 

10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. If you

feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No

Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or

kick a policeman in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no

Hollander recognizes any authority higher than himself. You may

also note that a lot of Hollandse policemen are in fact foreigners

tricked into taking the job.

 

11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut off

their own ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you

give him something for free. (Note: Social diseases are an

exception) LOL This might explain the success of MacDonald's in

Holland. The story that copper wire is an invention of two

Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.

 

12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put inside

during rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains

about 365 days each year. This might also explain those wooden

shoes: They float. Yes, Holland is small and Hollanders are proud

of it. They will grab every opportunity to point out to you that the

nation has accomplished great things, despite of it being so small.

A suitable answer to this swank is the Hollander's imperialistic

past. Wich brings us -rather nicely- to item 13.

 

13. If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you

will - simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist. Now immediately

start running for your life. He'll want to prove to you that he is

a peace loving person and he won't stop proving this until your

intestines are scattered all over the floor. However, mentioning a

supposedly imperialistic past considering Surinam and/or Indonesia,

will instantly reduce a Hollander to a pathetic, sniffing and

crying child, begging for forgiveness.

 

14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. They

simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and hard-drugs,

Malaysian women and pornography to foreigners to let an opportunity

for making a good profit go by.

 

15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes.

Feel free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock. Don't

expect your own bike however to be where you left it three minutes

earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Have

fun.

 

16. At nearly every meal in Holland you will find a small vicious

looking blade with a slit in it. It is called a "kaasschaaf" and is

used for taking very thin (the see-through kind) slices of the

cheese. Yes, it is indeed an invention made by a Nederlander. Never

cut cheese with a knife, you'll make an utter fool of yourself.

Another peculiar dinner tool is the "flessenlikker", which

literally means "bottle-licker", but which is best translated by

"yoghurt-scraper".

Note that this tool is not meant to get rid of an itchy back or for

your nightly escapades. It's designed to clean out bottles of

yoghurt or "vla" which is a sort of custard. The Nederlanders wants

to use absolutely every millilitre of the yoghurt or 'vla' he

bought. He paid for all of it and he'll jolly well eat all of it.

 

17. At the time of this writing, the Hollandse economy is doing

quite well. The Hollanders say that this is the result of extensive

negotiating between parties like the unions, the employers and the

government. They even have a name for this: The polder model.

Foreigners are made to believe that this polder model is the key to

a healthy economy and if others should follow this polder model,

their economy's will also improve dramatically. This is utter

nonsense. Hollanders just love to talk and talk and talk. Calling

all this talking negotiations only gives them a sense of doing

something useful. Talk is not cheap in Holland.

 

18. Hollanders like to drown fried potato's in litres of mayonnaise

and put it in small paper bags. This is called "een patatje met".

One of these bags can sustain life over an indefinite period. Not

everyone agrees if it is the sort of life worth living. Some

foreigners however are reported to have actually liked eating it.

 

19. Hollanders have a special and unique service for -mainly-

French tourists. As soon as they cross the border between Belgium and

Holland, they are welcomed enthusiastically by young men in fast

cars. These young people wish to point out to the French tourist

where the more interesting touristy places in Holland can be found.

Strangely enough they always seem to end up in a coffee shop (see

item 20). Funny people those French.

 

20. There is a fast and guaranteed way of making a complete fool of

yourself in Holland: Enter a coffee shop and ask for a cappuccino.

Coffee shops do not -remember this- do not sell coffee. You can

however get a good number of other stimulating drugs there. For

some unknown reason coffee shops are extremely popular with French

tourists.

 

21. A Fries is a semi-detached sort of Nederlander, living in the

north of the country in a province all for himself. He is fond of

frozen water, Beerenburg (which is a form of euthanasia with

alcohol) and continuously pointing out to non-Fries Hollanders that

they are -indeed- not Fries. The rest of the Hollanders look upon

this behaviour with the good natured ambivalent feelings that

parents have for an obstinate child.

 

22. On the matter of what books to buy before you come to Holland,

I can recommend the following: The complete works of William

Shakespeare or a leather-bound volume of the Encyclopaedia

Britannica (the 1913 copy: Fr to He). In my experience these two

books have just about the right weight for clubbing a pushy drug

dealer or pimp on the head without leaving any marks. After hitting

you might want to drop the book you were carrying at that moment

for a more speedy retreat. Bring plenty of books.

 

23. Do not bother to hire a car. Not only can you steal more bikes

than you will need but car-traffic in Holland is not something you

will enjoy. In the rest of the world traffic jams are measured in

miles or kilometres, Nederlandse traffic jams are measured in

weeks.

As a matter of fact, the more persistent traffic-jams are well

worth a touristic visit. The sight of starving people in an expensive

Mercedes can be quite uplifting if you are of a philosophic nature.

You may want to bring some pieces of bread with you to throw

through open car windows. The resulting fights can often be worth

>watching.

 

24. Contrary to popular belief, you may not bring your mother-in-

law to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia. Tourists are warned not

to take these matters into their own hands.

 

25. Whether you are catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl, god

of all honest politicians, in Holland you are likely to run into a

church, temple or oak-tree-and-virgin of your liking. Hollanders

are supposed to be very tolerant of other believes, ways of life and

religious convictions. They are not. The only reason for there

being so many different churches, sects and cults is the fact that

Hollanders disagree on just about anything. A Hollander is always

right (see item 6) and anyone who thinks different than him can

jolly well bugger off and start his own church.

 

26. Holland is a kingdom. It has no king but a queen and her

husband is no king but a prince. The queen doesn't rule the country -well,

not much anyway- but she is very good at opening bridges, roads and

visiting other countries. She is also very decorative at state

banquets. Her son, the crown prince, will be king as soon as she

stops queening (nice word eh?). Now his wife won't be a queen but

she will be a princess because Nederland is much too small for a

king and a queen at the same time. On April the 30th its Queen's

Day, which is not the birthday of the queen, but the birthday of

princess Juliana the queen's mother (who used to be the queen). It

is no wonder that more and more Nederlanders wish to make Holland a

republic. Queen's Day, by the way, has nothing to do with royal

festivities. It's just a Hollander's excuse to drink large

quantities of alcohol. On Queen's Day Hollanders also

sell garbage in the streets.

 

27. It might be wise to learn how to swim if you visit Holland. No,

the dikes will hold, that is not the problem. The huge amount of

ditches, moats, canals, rivers and brooks can however lead to

mistakes. The shiny nice new asphalt road that you wish to drive

your car on during a rainstorm, may in fact not be a road at all.

 

28. The Hollandse art. Most Nederlandse painters get to be famous

only after they have died. That is a very sensible arrangement from

the publics point of view. Not only do you get large quantities of

paintings -a man has got to eat, right?- but it also makes a nice

investment for art-lovers. The painters themselves do not share

this view at all but are unable to do anything about it. In at least one

case the frustration has led to self-mutilation involving an ear.

 

29. If one of your Hollandse friends invites you for a birthday

party, prepare yourself for a unique experience. Unique, because it

can only be compared to taking place on a wooden chair which has a

sharp nail driven through the underside of the seat, and not being

able to move for a month. More than one foreigner has been driven

to the brink of insanity in just one evening. A Hollandse birthday

party consists of sitting in a chair, talking to other Hollanders

about your work, your car, foreigners and politics. You are

expected to leave at 11 pm and you'll gladly do so.

 

30. Do not get sick in Nederland. Over the last ten years, the

famous Hollandse healthcare has been privatised. These days some

operations, like open heart surgery, have a waiting list of more

than six months. The doctors don't think that is a problem, "More

than half of our patients for open heart surgery never even show up

anyway" they say. Some Nederlandse patients who have become

desperate, move to a country like Mozambique, Iraq or Pakistan

where healthcare is infinitely better.

 

31. Nederlanders leave their curtains open in the evening. This

used to be so that the neighbours could always check if your family

didn't gamble or drink alcohol. These days it is a precaution

against junkies trying to steal the stereo from the family car,

parked in front of the house. It has the fortunate side effect that

you can watch Hollanders in their natural surroundings, in front of

the television, watching soaps.

 

32. Holland has more cities than only Amsterdam. ike ..erm.

..Well, it has!!

 

33. Hollandse beer has made quite a reputation for itself over the

years. Some people even drink it. Brewing is indeed one of the

things Hollanders traditionaly do very well. Holland never used to

be a country with anything more interesting to do than to drink

oneself blind in new and interesting ways or make paintings. This

made the beer industry very popular. Experts claim that once you

have drank Hollandse beer like Heineken, Grolsch or Amstel, all

other beers taste like the tapwater in a Rotterdam hotel.

 

34. Hollandse tapwater is safe to drink. This is quite remarkable

considering that most drinking water comes from poluted rivers like

the Rhine. Plans to improve the quality of the riverwater, so that

fish like salmon will return to Hollandse rivers to spawn, can

count on strong resistance from the Nederlanders. They don't like the

idea of animals having sex in their drinking water.

[JekRendar]

I liked those facts, but next time please put them in the off-topic forum..wouldn't want to see you banned

[Ascari]

Oops.. err right sorry mods!

 

 

 

Wont happen again!

 

 

 

Although some may argue that this piece of information is indeed SWG relevant. Because your sure to run into some dutch smugglers.

 

[Wraith 8]

uhmm... first let me say this:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

 

thst was enormously funny..... and i dont agree with everything

 

second..you dont get banned for putting something in the wrong forum:D.. just look first before you post

[Zendjir]

LOL

 

All so true ascari

 

Well, almost