Iowa Jokes

[Boba Rhett]

I'm bored. OK?

 

I thought it'd be fun to post jokes about the state you live in. If not a state, then whatever you live in.

 

 

Anyways, here are my Iowa ones:

 

 

Slogans:

 

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

 

Iowa: Just east of Omaha

 

Iowa: It's easy to spell

 

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This guy walks into a bar in Alabama and orders a white wine.

Everybody sitting around the bar looks up, surprised, and the bartender looks around and says: "You ain't from around here, are ya... where ya from, boy?"

The guy says, "I'm from Iowa."

The bartender asks, "What th' hell you do in Iowa?"

The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."

The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... now just what th' hell is a taxidermist?"

The guy says, "I mount animals."

The bartender grins and shouts out to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us!"

 

ok so it's not really an Iowan joke but still

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Q: What do you call a bunch of tractors parked in front of a McDonalds on Friday night in Iowa?

A: Prom.

 

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An Iowan walks into a hardware store and asks for a chain saw that will

cut 6 trees in one hour. The salesman recommends the top of the line model.

The Iowan is suitably impressed, and buys it.

 

The next day he brings it back and says, "This chainsaw is defective.

It would only cut down 1 tree and it took ALL DAMN DAY!"

 

The salesman takes the chain saw, starts it up to see what's wrong, and the

Iowan says, "What's that noise?"

 

_______________________________________________

 

And now for the, "You know you're an Iowan If". I'll put Yes faces next to the ones I'm guilty of.

 

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor on the highway. Yes

 

2. "Vacation" means driving through the Amanas, going to Adventureland or to Okoboji.

 

3. You've seen all the biggest bands ten years after they were popular. Yes

 

4. Snow tires are standard on your car.

 

5. You "go" into town. Yes

 

6. The local bar has Busch Light and Milwaukee's Best on Tap.

 

7. You have no concept of public transportation. Yes

 

8. You wear shorts when it's 50 degrees out in March, but bundle up and complain in August when it goes below 60 degrees. Yes

 

9. You have gone trick-or-treating in 2 feet of snow. Yes

 

10. You 'warsh' your clothes. (NO!)

 

11. State Wrestling was a big deal at your high school. Yes

 

12. You measure distance in minutes. Yes

 

13. Down south to you means Missouri. Yes

 

14. You were allowed to get a "school permit" to drive at age 14 if you lived more than a mile from school. Yes

 

15. You have no problem spelling or pronouncing "Des Moines." Yes

 

16. You know the answer to the question, "Is this Heaven?"

 

17. Your school classes were canceled because of cold. Yes

 

18. Your school classes were canceled because of heat. Yes

 

19. You know what "Hawks" and "Clones" are. Yes

 

20. You've ridden the school bus for an hour each way. Yes

 

21. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day. Yes

 

22. You can locate Iowa on the United States map. Yes

 

23. Your arrival somewhere has been delayed by a train. Yes

 

24. Detassling was your first job.

 

25. Your idea of a really great tenderloin is when the meat is twice as big as the bun and accompanied only by ketchup and a dill pickle slice.

 

26. You learn your pickup will run without a muffler. Yes

 

27. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked. Yes

 

28. You think of the major four food groups as beef, pork, beer, and Jell-O salad with marshmallows.

 

29. You drink "pop." Yes WTF!

 

30. When asked how your trip was to any foreign, exotic place, you say, "It was different." Yes

 

31. Going to Target is your idea of FUN. Yes

 

32. Being a bit younger, you remember Terry Branstad as governor the whole time you were growing up. Yes

 

33. You consider being called a "Pork Queen" an honor. Yes

 

34. People from other states love to hear you say "Iowa" and other words with "O's" in them. The hell?

 

35. You know what "cow tipping" is. Yes

 

36. You've painted a cow prior to judging at the fair.

 

37. Main Street is the only street. Yes

 

38. You skip church and by the end of the day receive get-well cards.

 

39. You write a counter check on the wrong bank; and they cover you for it.

 

40. You still know what a counter check is.

 

41. You give directions not by names of streets rather by telling which big white house to turn at. Yes

 

42. Main Street is terraced. Yes

 

43. Nobody asks how you are because they already know.

 

44. You know the word "combine" is supposed to have the first syllable stressed. Yes

 

45. At least once you've seen train cars full of grain derailed. Yes

 

46. You've been to a pickup/tractor pull. Yes

 

47. You know what a pickup/tractor pull is. Yes

 

48. You've been to a party in a cornfield.

 

49. You've played/watched six-on-six basketball. Yes

 

50. You knew the middle name of every kid in your high school class.

 

 

I don't see how some of these are Iowa specific though. And what's up with the "o" thing?

[swphreak]

I'm probably gonna regret this....

 

Florida

 

"I demand a recount." there... that sums it up....

 

oh yea, we're America's Wang baby!

[Praetorian]

Well, I'm also from Florida and Phreak just about summed it up with "recount"

 

EDIT: I thought of something else.

 

You know you've lived in Florida too long when...

 

You start to seriously wonder why they don't open up a hunting season for the snowbirds. (darn traffic stoppers, they all drive WAY to slow)

 

You hate the beach cause you've been there SO MANY FREAKING TIMES!!!

 

You hate Disney World cause you've been there SO MANY FREAKING TIMES!!!

 

You wish they would kick West Palm Beach out of florida.

 

The only thing you worry about in a class 2 Hurricane is if it will last long enough to get 2 full days off work/school.

 

You see Miami as part of Cuba.

 

Your not a Tampa Bay Devil Ray fan. (I know more Atlanta Braves fans than Devil Ray's Fans and I live 30 minutes or so from the stadium!)

 

You remember when the Bucs won 4 games a season. (World Champs now!!!)

[Darth Homer]

South Carolina........uhm....I wanna leave....

 

edit:

New State Motto

South Carolina! Standing in the way of progress since 1861.