machievelli Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Next Crusade SirBoomstick91 Seven Years after KOTOR: Revan finally returns The piece is a bit rough, needing some editing. The primary problem was forgetting words in sentences, something I tend to do when I am letting it flow. I like the reunion primarily because of Bastila’s reactions. Slapping him was generic and trite, yet fit perfectly. Welcome Back. Light Side Female Revan Gone For Good Chapter 1; Stir PhoenixGate Beginning of KOTOR: A team of room mates escapes from the Endar Spire Avoid using game terms. For an example, Do you know what difference there is between light, medium and heavy armor? As much as the game just assigns a different point value to them, each is comprised of specific material and in some cases components. Most would merely call it armor and leave it at that. Te writing style is relatively good, and the idea of having a team of characters from the outset interesting. Each of the three women is different enough that it has you wondering which one is the main character. It also gives Carth’s paranoia bone a bit of a twist too. Light Side Male Exile Her VargasTheBeast TSL On Telos: The Exile is sure it can’t be her… The piece is really too short to get a grip on it. The thing that bothered me a little is that even after several years, this version of the Exile can’t understand why he was punished by the council. Trials of the Jedi, Prologue MakeriasChild TSL at Malachor V: A last minute rescue The piece is a bit stilted, the light side Exile coming off a bit darker than I would have anticipated. Dying Revan Sama TSL no specific section given: Brianna tries to hold onto her love The biggest question has yet to be answered. When is this happening, and why is he dying? The Unknown Regions, Chapter 1- I brought him back Iceman99 Post TSL: The Exile begins his journey into the Unknown Region The story began a little odd, going to Dantooine and ending up on Coruscant instead. The scenes were disjointed, and hurried. Try to smooth it out a bit. Republic in Arms, Chapter 1 Demicus TSL At Onderon: The Ebon Hawk arrives, causing a battle Technical note: A military vessel is paid for and maintained by the government, not her captain. While extra weapons, shielding etc can be installed, again it is done at government sanction, not because the captain wants it. Also, remember that no matter how much you over engine a craft, it is never going to outfly smaller vessels unless there has been a radical engine technology used. As an example the Dreadnought; going from reciprocating engines to turbines gave the ship a 5 knot advantage compared with other ships of her design, which allowed two battle cruisers to outrun the German armored cruisers Scharnhorst and Gneisenau at the Battle of the Falklands. The piece is disturbing because what you have done is caused an escalation from what the game showed in the political situation. Having a Republic fleet in a standoff would have been a perfect time for Valku to have his coup because it is proof of his contentions that the Republic would force Onderon to remain in the Republic; and would rally his people to support him. In a little remembered bit of history, the Communists were able to use the invasion by English and American troops in early 1918 to bolster their own bid for power in Russia, claiming it was an attempt to return the Czarists to power. It caused people who had no feeling either way to choose. Impression, Force Tankygirl TSL on Dxun: Visas confronts the Exile The piece feels like it was a free flow when you wrote it. Yo0u made the same kind of mistakes I do when that occurs; Remember to finish words. Destroy(ing) and fool(ish), remember tense, so you have someone slid not slides. Be sure of word usage, there were odd words like rocks in a stream disrupting the flow. The basics are good, only needing polishing. Reunion The Tygre Eight years PostTSL: The Exile and Revan finally return from the Unknown Regions The piece had some problems, not finishing words, forgetting conversation breaks, that kind of thing. Editing problems, nothing more. The scene is well portrayed, the reunion a bit stiff, but flowing well into settling into a normal life. Pick of the Week Silence The Tygre TSL on Malachor V: Kreia sees the future The piece as others have commented, is inconsistent. The voice as one commented is not her because she’s speaking in a manner inconsistent with that character. The basics are good, the idea interesting. Love and Redemption: Hero's Return Part 1 Forgotten Honor One plus years postTSL: With Revan’s return the two teams are reunited to prepare for the True Sith. The piece is short, but every character gets their chance in the limelight. The preparations look simple, but having mission, a child running around setting up resistance movements seemed a bit much. Blue Light MoonMythology TSL: Visas goes over her life, and the sight within the Force that she uses The piece is interesting primarily because it is odd for a woman that is blind to describe by colors. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SirBoomstick91 Posted October 23, 2009 Share Posted October 23, 2009 Thanks for the review, I'll try to watch out for that kind of stuff in the future, but I only have one complaint about the whole thing: Light Side Female Revan Excuse me? lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 23, 2009 Author Share Posted October 23, 2009 Thanks for the review, I'll try to watch out for that kind of stuff in the future, but I only have one complaint about the whole thing: Excuse me? lol I forgot to post the kotorfanmedia link. The first story in that section was from the Light Side Female Revan category Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SirBoomstick91 Posted October 24, 2009 Share Posted October 24, 2009 Oh... I see. For a little bit, you had me going. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Dark Legacy: Death Watch Te Mirdala Mand'alor Modern day: A Mandalorian declares war on a secret society We’re already three postings into the story, and we have yet to know much about our hero. His parents are explained, even his friendship with a Yuuzhan Vong, but that is background, nothing more. The basics are good except for one glaring technical problem. The Basilisk was explained adequately, having someone build a modernized version .just shows a love of history. Technical: The ship is called both a dreadnought and a battle cruiser. Taking on a Mando’a fighter and some coral skippers as well reinforces the idea that it is a powerful warship. Either ship type suggests a massive vessel yet it appears to have only one crewman. Automation will do a lot of things, but with the technology we have seen so far in Star Wars running a ship that large with only one person or even a small core crew is not one of them . How large is the ship in question? kotorfanmedia Light Side Male Revan Vignettes TheJediSentinel KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk after departing Dantooine: The crew expresses itself The beginning was a bit slow, with Carth berating Bastila, but then it picked up and I was alternately smiling and snickering. Mission’s way of dealing with the little tiff caused me to laugh out loud, and the interplay between Bastila and Revan was amusing on too many levels to count. Pick of the Week This week completes the Light Side Male Exile section. Going on to Dark Side Female Revan Parrot Moonmythology PostTSL: The Exile says to himself what he could never bring himself to say to her… The piece is good work. We needed more of a time line though. Is he still off with Revan? Has he returned to find her gone? Pick of the Week Trials of the Jedi, Part I Imatach A decade PreKOTOR: The young Jedi get on with an average life. Some misspelling errors. Gatting instead of getting, the instead of they garuntee instead of guarantee. Some technical notes. First, if you are going to have them practice without light sabers, why use vibroblades? Shoving aside an activated vibroblade would be like shoving aside a running chainsaw. Second, the Jedi are priests and monks of a religion. Because of that they would not have private quarters large enough for a party and kitchenette. You have them living in the equivalent of a modern college dorm. Nothing Jaina Solo TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile wrestles with his past, and Kreia’s mystery It was an interesting take on his memories, seeing the battlefield aftermath before the Mass Shadow Generator went off. More interesting was the idea that Kreia would tell him the truth, if only to erase it from his memory as soon as she was done. A Jedi's Pet, Part I Imatach TSL on Peragus: Two extra characters… just for spice. The piece is fun, though I would like an explanation as to why you have bodies inside the room (Maybe the gas leak) but the Tach and Sysha survived. The sarcastic comments were cute, and having both Kreia and the Exile able to hear them was amusing. A pity I can’t read it all. Distorted TKA001 TSL on Korriban: A look at the tomb of You probably did this in a free flow as it came down, because after the meeting with Dustil, you began to miss conversation breaks. No biggie, I do it all the time. An editing problem nothing more. The piece is nicely dark and disturbing even though only two incidents in the tomb are covered. Youngling Chemist Several years PreKOTOR: A young Mical meets the heroes and villains of the wars to come. The piece was interesting and others have already criticized it, so I will only comment on style. First, in a monastic setting those who join an order are not stripped of everything. Wealth, something that would set them apart and cause jealousy, yes. But since the Force is such a personal thing, everyone reaching and achieving on a different curve, stripping them of identity is insulting. This does not mean calling them by title or merely boy or girl would not happen, just that it would not be a ‘you are youngling, and he is apprentice’ caste structure. Second, all we see these younglings doing is playing like a bunch of average kids. Perhaps like a modern day elementary school there are recess periods which would make more sense but a modern school has to balance the energy of someone not used to sitting around for hours at a time so that they learn but don’t start causing problems in class. But even that, considering the things they could be learning in a possible Jedi training atmosphere would more likely channel that energy more efficiently than a simple recess. I do like that you made the Disciple a person rather than a cardboard cut out. In Five Hundred Words or Less . . . AdlynJ PreKOTOR: A teenaged Exile is questioned about his essay. The piece is dark and serious there for a while, but perfect in that the phrase did give him the right to use only four words. His arguments were well reasoned and cogent, his statement that you have to see both sides of the equation reasonable. I especially loved his explanation as to why he spent time with the younglings because it is the one part most writers ignore, or carry too far, suggesting they are taken as babies in one published book. Take a child from everything he’s known and dump him into another completely different, and the comment about fight or flight fits perfectly. Pick of the Week The Weight of Glory: Prologue Elwin Ransom TSL on Malachor V: The remnants of our heroes try to escape The piece is comma heavy as the author admitted. As much as you hate editing, it’s a necessary part of the craft, kid. It’s more interesting in that in most of the works you read only a few or none die. This is a stark realistic version of what could happen, the few shattered remnants escaping with their lives. Turning Atton from the follower to a take charge guy was a brilliant move, since you don’t see him doing that much. Another I wish I could read from cover to cover. Pick of the Week Stay Princess Jaden Aboard Ebon Hawk after Dantooine: Visas expresses her emotions The idea of the Exile being something other than human is a twist not usually used. An interesting choice as well. It was really too short to get a feel for it, but what I did see was good. The Stow Away: PILOT LauraMuffin TSL on Telos: A new character joins the crew in a secretive manner. It’s expletive(an interjectory word or expression, frequently profane) rather than explicative(Explanatory word). The writing is smooth, so no complaints there. The only part that bothered me is that this resonates with Sasha from KOTOR. There is no rhyme nor reason for the Telos Academy to start running what looks more and more like a prison, so how and why did she end up there? Hopefully you will explain that eventually. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Trench Posted October 30, 2009 Share Posted October 30, 2009 Thanks for the review machievelli. Hmmm, perhaps I should have added more detail about the living aspects of the ship. They were supposed to take the place of a crew (along with a few droids). The ship itself is a medium sized ship (about one third the size of a Star Destroyer), and is covered in weapons and powerful shields. Since canonically, no Dreadnaughts are seen or mentioned during the legacy era comics, I'm free to design it as I wish. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 30, 2009 Author Share Posted October 30, 2009 Thanks for the review machievelli. Hmmm, perhaps I should have added more detail about the living aspects of the ship. They were supposed to take the place of a crew (along with a few droids). The ship itself is a medium sized ship (about one third the size of a Star Destroyer), and is covered in weapons and powerful shields. Since canonically, no Dreadnaughts are seen or mentioned during the legacy era comics, I'm free to design it as I wish. Remember finances as well when you go into that detail. A ship the size od the Millenium Falcon would cost about $1,000 a month to operate not taking into major repairs from battle damage. That does include preventative maintenance fuel and dockling fees. The ship you describe would cost around 5-10,000 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 6, 2009 Author Share Posted November 6, 2009 Early next month I am going to take a week hiatus to go back to California. My daughter, whom I have not seen in 20 years contacted me last month, and both of us are anxious about this. Just giving you all general information. Coruscant Entertainment Center The Descent Marius Fett KOTOR On Taris: Bastila is thrown into danger by her escape The piece is an excellent little opener. The scene is one usually ignored, so it’s interesting to see this take. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Walking in Shadows: Prologue Windswept Three years postTSL: Carth is kidnapped, and Dustil is sent to find him The scene was clean cut and some of the comments were perfect, the idea that the Jedi had assigned it to Dustil only because he had left to go there before receiving orders was a nice touch. The only jarring part was the stealth generators. While they are canon for the game, they are not canon for the universe, if you get my drift. But it was a small thing. Light Side Male Revan Unspoken: Part 1 MoonMythology PreKOTOR: Bastila remembers another day, and her regrets. The piece is soft and gentle, and the scene of Revan and her before his mind was erased is poignant. Her own emotions come through strongly, and you know that she wishes she could tell him. Pick of the Week Dark Side Female Revan Hindsight Chapter 1/url] Arrow Originally posted 27 Oct 2006. That review is below: Set in KOTOR II: A look into The Exile’s past The story flows smoothly, the subject matter well defined and delivered. The idea of a Jedi trying to explain how he made an engine explode accidentally was choice. Too often, even in my own work, we see the characters as stolid adults either trying to right the wrongs they have committed, or saving the Galaxy from another. We tend to forget that these were kids at one time or another. Reprise Pick of the Week Twin Exile Slave 1 TSL on Peragus: The twin Jedi awaken Except for there being two of them, the opening here is generic. The bickering is classic sibling. Memory / Chapter 1 / Journeys Kosiah PostKOTOR: The Ebon Hawk flees, with a badly wounded crew aboard The piece started out as you might expect the flight home to be, but shortly you see things that feel odd. I was halfway through it before I realized why. It is a blending of the dark side and light side endings, and a well done one at that. Revan’s struggles with realizing what she had done, and looking at the few that survived is chilling. Pick of the Week Discipline Icey Cold Originally reviewed 3 Nov 2006 Original review below: Time period not set, though probably during KOTOR I: The disciple and Exile talk about the inner workings of the Order. The style is good, the byplay excellent. It is not often that people looked under the surface of the order itself, and little has been done on the interim between the Mandalorian wars and the Exile’s return. This work is definitely worth the read. Reprise Pick of the Week Betrayal of Hearts Firera TSL on Malachor V: Things are not all they seem… The piece has so many plot turns, I’m surprised seat belts are not required. By the end the one thing you’re sure of is it has been one hell of a ride. Pick of the Week The Nar Shaddaa Massacre, Chapter 1 Icey Cold TSL on Nar Shaddaa: The team decides to check the Red light district The piece had it’s moments when you think the Exile is two different people. Her jealousy that the Red light District is Atton’s second home, sitting on the Disciple’s lap to touch up his hair, forgetting that she has to leave her light saber aboard the ship. She is a swirl of conflicting reactions, and her actions make you wonder which of the two men will be her love interest. The end is good because she gentles Disciple like a frightened horse. Pick of the Week The Darkness Descends, Chapter 1 - The End Is Only The Beginning Firera 2 years PostKOTOR: As Carth, now an admiral remembers a last parting… The piece is well done, Carth’s somber mood is explained in the flash back that reveals his final parting from Revan. The idea that she still has feelings for him, that it was those feelings that made her try to kill him when he refused her offer even more intriguing. It is a pity I do not have time to read all of it because this is choice. Pick of the Week Drenched: Chapter I Shike77 TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk bound for Nar Shaddaa: The Exile tries to keep both of her men at arm’s length The piece is interesting in revealing more of the Disciple than most do, yet doesn’t treat him too shabbily. Having him act like a stalker is bad but not as bad as some have treated him. Her standoffishness is explained very well in the last paragraphs, placing Atton, he realizes, in the same boat. Lessons Schmoopy This story was co-written by Delerius_Jedi and schmoopy, TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile reveals a not so shiny part of her past The piece reached out and grabbed you. Her dependence on the force, being unwilling to make a decision, and the discovery that she had been completely wrong because of it was excellent. The reaction of the locals was even better because so many legal systems work exactly like that. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 13, 2009 Author Share Posted November 13, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center Blade Canderis NonSW: A boy begins to find out about his father’s real job Mainly you need polishing and more description. There is no mention of hair color, eye color, or even the difference in ages between the siblings. The thread of mystery from the father’s job to the ‘men in black’ from work is good. Hopefully we’ll get more explanation as time goes on. kotorfanmedia Dark Side Female Revan A Second Chance Eji PostKOTOR: A nightmare of what could have been… The piece flows well, the scene striking. Carth’s stand, Revan’s eventual reaction coming too late to save them. Knowing it was a dream was just icing on the cake. Pick of the Week Promise Mellyna Originally reviewed 6 January 2006 That review is below: Set during KOTOR II: A short scene between A female Revan and another unnamed woman. It is only a short piece, barely a page long. But it immediately caught my interest. Mellyna has two more stories she has written, and I almost went up the chain to find them before going on. However I am sticking to my methodology. Well done! Reprise Pick of the Week The Necklace Ivory Chopstick TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton remembers his childhood, and his sister. The story is an aside, but a welcome one. We get to see a younger, not yet hardened Atton as not only a boy but one who loved his sister. His comment, that at eight he was almost an adult would fit any kid at that age, and his life is stark with the beginnings of degradation. You can see the man he later becomes in this. Pick of the Week Parallax Palmetto Originally posted 1 Dec 2006, original review below: Set in TSL: A brief interlude aboard the Ebon Hawk The story is like a good beer, refreshing going down, a smooth finish, and leaving you wanting another. Very well done! 33 people gave this a thumbs up. Reprise Pick of the Week No Return Jedi Valius PreKOTOR: The act that completed her fall Improper word usage; relinquish means give up, not relieve which would have been a better choice, rapped (Issuing orders quickly) rather than rapt (awe). You also forgot a word (The) same stubborness. You have Tyria saying too much in that the dialogue was stilted, almost as if you didn’t know what to say. Try saying the line out loud, and you will see what I mean. The piece was interesting as you see Revan finally falling, not because of some grand scheme, but almost with a whimper. Release Gekkeiju TSL on Malachor V: The Exile finally realizes… Initially posted 8 Dec 2006 Review below: The author grabs you by the throat and drags you along in this piece. My only real complaint is that it is so short. 20 people gave this a thumbs up, and I agree. Reprise Pick of the Week Myths of the Mandalorians -Chapter 1- The Grey Jedi TSL on Peragus: Two of the miners fight back The primary problem I had with the piece was having the mining droid talk as if it were one of the HKs. A silent menace advancing would have been more straining on the nerves. Minor technical note; you described the docking bay as being big enough to hold an E wing. But the E wing is first a single person fighter; rather small, and would not be around for 4,000 more years. It would be like a hero of a Greek legend facing an enormous dragon and thinking that the cave it lived in would allow a F16 Falcon to park there. Seeds of Shadow - Prologue Doublehex Spanning KOTOR and TSL: A monologue about another Exile The piece is a good exposition on the theme of war, but reduces that hideous pass time to the mundane. Intercession Dinah Lance PreKOTOR: The Republic tries to reenlist an old soldier The piece has all of the finesse I expect from Dinah. One advantage of starting at the beginning of each category is finding these gems. It is short, sweet, and well portrays the weariness you would expect, especially in the case of any of the Jedi that survived. You see, except for the rare man who shoots up the ladder, Most Generals spend twenty plus years honing their craft. From butter bar (Second lieutenant) through the ranks between. So you get used to death in microcosm when it’s just your platoon long before you wield divisions. The Jedi obviously get a crash course, and such an accelerated learning curve means more would fall by the wayside. But more importantly, it would be something that they would be more willing to give up. Her sudden reflections caused by ‘please general’ go through the mind of every senior officer that has ever served, and not wanting to return stronger in those forced to fight rather than relishing it. Pick of the Week Defluo: Nyx Shike77 Alternate beginning to TSL: On Citadel Station, three of our cast are getting together. The piece is interesting, and I can always say that about Shike. The take on Atton is true to type, and the Exile is an interesting character right off the bat here. Her own interplay, arguing about what she ‘should’ be doing and what she is doing is very well wrought. Pick of the Week Wild Guess Kitome PreKOTOR: The name says it all when it comes to love Quite a nice bit of work. The characters looking at each other and seeing things the other never realizes. Having the Exile sort of nudge them together is cute. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkywalkerRules Posted November 13, 2009 Share Posted November 13, 2009 Hey, machievelli? Did I say something wrong in my poetry? I need help... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 14, 2009 Author Share Posted November 14, 2009 Hey, machievelli? Did I say something wrong in my poetry? I need help... Since my poetry is uniformly bad, I do not see my self as qualified to judge how good other people's poetry is. JM12 did start briefly another thread on this site for those instances. All of you poets all get together and try to get her to pick it up again Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SkywalkerRules Posted November 14, 2009 Share Posted November 14, 2009 Since my poetry is uniformly bad, I do not see my self as qualified to judge how good other people's poetry is. JM12 did start briefly another thread on this site for those instances. All of you poets all get together and try to get her to pick it up again Oh. Thank you, machievelli. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 20, 2009 Author Share Posted November 20, 2009 kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Smoke and Mirrors Dinah Lance and Prisoner24601 KOTOR after Korriban: Bastila give advice… But will she take her own? The piece is well done, the argument sliding from professional, the code they must live by, to personal, their own feelings as such conversations sometimes do. It was fun because the relationships, Revan and Canderous, Bastila and Carth are clearly defined even if we know little of them yet. The last paragraph, Bastila rationalizing why she has to go to the cockpit at that moment is just too perfect. Pick of the Week Dark Side Female Revan Warmth Arrow TSL on Telos: Atris remembers her past with the Exile, but not the way you think A very interesting take on the time when Atris and the Exile were at the Academy. Her actions are now well defined in the game. Her anger at the Exile the flare of a woman betrayed by the girl she saw as her daughter, and her other actions, keeping the light saber after her Exile falls neatly into place. Very well done. Pick of the Week Gifts Kosiah PreKOTOR: An old memory finally fades. This is such a delightful insight into Malak and Revan. The idea that when she went to war, still the bright shiny Jedi ready to save the galaxy, she had carried along that one book. Each has given up so much to stand where they do now, and you can sense both the regret and the denial of that regret in each of them. Pick of the Week Atonement Exile Starrcast Originally reviewed 2 June, 06, Original review below: After the destruction of the Star Forge, Revan leaves the others. But not without some grief. The style is clear, draws you in gently, and keeps you there. I have been saying this a lot in the last two or three months. Maybe it’s because I have hit a deep rift of first time writers, but here it goes. If this is the first, Why did you wait so long? More! Reprise Pick of the Week Traitor Revan’s Pet Duck KOTOR on the Star Forge: A newly resurgent dark lord still wants that one man. And she’ll have him… The method was a little brute force for me. Knowledge of modern brainwashing techniques would have made this a lot less violent, but that is just the part of me that has such knowledge. All in all a good read. Torture Exile Starrcast PostKOTOR: Revan breaks Carth to her hand The piece is well done, but again I am disappointed by the methods used. Maybe I just have too much knowledge of how to do such things without Jedi skills. Sacrifice SithAngel77 Originally posted 21 July 2006,that review is below: In an Alternate Universe: A fight to the death. The style is a bit confusing because you aren’t really sure who is speaking to whom. Nothing that an edit wouldn’t correct. The style is harsh and dark, but so is the subject matter. The piece is short, but poignant and I commend the author on the portrayal. Reprise Pick of the Week Pazaak: Juma Rules - Bonus Chapters Qt314159 TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: So like a dance… The piece flows very well, the relationship flourishing as both begin to play ‘the game’ as the Exile sees it. Message in a data pad Darth Meatbag Originally posted 21 July 2006,that review is below: Set during KOTOR II: The Exile gets a message from her lost love. The style is good, the story well done, the subject matter excellent. Reprise Pick of the Week Twisted, part 1 Dark Jedi Princess PostKOTOR: Revan works at breaking Carth The story is good if a bit generic. The idea that Carth was force sensitive an intriguing one. Daughters... Rawtooth TSL on Telos: After Kreia’s revelation to her Atris must take action The piece is a work of art. Atris is crumbling before your eyes, and the links between the Exile and the handmaidens is well portrayed. The author worried that it would be difficult to follow, but there is no difficulty. Pick of the Week Angels fall First Turtle PreKOTOR: The ravages of war seen in another’s eyes Second person is hard to write in, yet Turtle did so very well. The slow changes wrought by time lovingly portrayed, the lies from both sides, the horror at what Revan is becoming, and the narrator’s assistance in that. It paints the Jedi Council in a new sinister light. Pick of the Week What I Wish You Exile Ainne TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk enroute to Dantooine: The Exile has her own list The poem is interesting in that it asks that the person not only learn to enjoy life but grow in the learning. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 27, 2009 Author Share Posted November 27, 2009 Dark Legacy: Death Watch Te Mirdala Mand'alor Re-review requested. Original review below Modern day: A Mandalorian declares war on a secret society Reread as asked, and the battle scene in chapter 4 wasn’t too bad, but you ignored a glaring problem. A Star Destroyer carries a crew of around 35,000, yet you sent 6. Like having an army corps, yet sending a squad to subdue a possible 6,000 (Crew of a Dreadnought). Even if you had scanner readings that told you there was only one person, on a ship that large it would have made more sense to bring over a company, about 109 people. The escape was a bit strained as well. Go watch the Battle of Endor in ROTJ again, and watch the larger ships. They do not move as fast or smoothly as the fighters and assuming no attempt at pursuit, your ship would have been within range of the enemy for maybe half an hour before moving far enough away to hyper out again. With a pursuit including fighters, you would not get that half an hour. The tale of Jebord Esio JebusJM No era given: A pair of Jedi defeat a Sith master… But will they defeat gravity? There isn’t a whole lot to this yet, so I will have to withhold any comments on style. The battle was short and sweet, the last question; was there a survival plan, was cute. A nice cliff hanger here. One thing, setting a timer does not need the words ‘from then’. Activating it begins the countdown. All right kid, show us what you can do, and welcome to the forum. Dark Side Female Revan Laundry Day Noneko TSL enroute to Onderon: Well it was his own fault… I could picture Brianna’s fury, Visas’ dismay, and you have to admit, the Exile had it coming. Short but so funny. Pick of the Week The Box Revan’s Pet Duck 20 years before PM: A young Obi Wan meets Revan The piece is intriguing in that we never really hear what Revan told the young boy. Yoda’s reaction was interesting to me because it makes me wonder if as a young boy he also succeeded; and how many others might have. Pick of the Week Path to war skypilot PreKOTOR: Aboard a ship fleeing the Rim, two unlikely passengers join forces The writing needs editing and polishing. You are also making statements that are not logical. If the ship’s hyper drive is damaged beyond repair, they are fleeing in normal space, so going anywhere would be a pain. Try several millennia from the rim to Coruscant. You have the feeling in this ship that you just tossed people in willy nilly. There is no sense of refugees except for the two main characters. It is sort of like the Japanese Anime xxxHolic, where everyone not related to the story is just a white outline walking by. A Lot to Forgive Amber Penglass TSL at the tomb of Freedon Nadd: A glimpse into Atton’s past with a few twists… The piece does hearken back to the Exile in the tomb, and in it’s own way is more so because while he can watch what happens, he cannot stop it. His own reactions to what he once was and what he had become were crystal clear. Pick of the Week I Know Amber Penglass TSL on Korriban: After the Exile escapes the tomb, she and Atton share the same types of memories. The companion piece to A Lot to Forgive, the same story from different sides. Both suffered the same type of vision, and draw strength from each other. One technical point; Freedon Nadd’s tomb is on Dxun, not Korriban Pick of the Week A Scoundrel's Company Amber Penglass TSL on Peragus: Getting Atton out of the lockdown was a little more difficult than anticipated… Rewriting the scene with a little more problems than the original was fun. The backbiting comments as they try to escape was choice. Pick of the Week Orphic Verboten Chapter I Amber Penglass PreTSL: A meeting that never happened, but it would have been fun… The scenes are well laid out, the fights were fun, even the make out scene. The only thing I would wonder about is why they didn’t remember each other later. Glimpse Amber Penglass TSL before Malachor V: A vision from the past is recounted. The piece is excellent work, linking the man Atton had been to what he is now. The soft almost gentle recitation comes through in his voice, letting us know the effect in had on him. Pick of the Week Lesson Number One Amber Penglass TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Well it is a form of dance… The piece was funny because with the fluidity of movement you see in Jedi fighting, you would expect one to dance divinely. Having her admit she didn’t know how was funny enough, but having Atton end up being her teacher, and in the bathroom yet, was just too funny for words. Pick of the Week Goddess Lana Revan Star PreKOTOR: Love turns to hate An interesting view of the relationship between Malak and Revan. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 4, 2009 Author Share Posted December 4, 2009 I am taking a week’s hiatus to spend time with my daughter. I haven’t seen her in twenty years, and the last time I was this nervous, was the night she was born. Wish me luck. Coruscant Entertainment Center Artful Dodger LordOfTheFish NonSW: The tale of a different character Improper word usage, flower (Plant) instead of flour (Milled grain), to instead of too The intro set the stage, but you immediately stepped from it in the first chapter. Year 1705, about 200 years before the internal combustion engine. You then have a truck with a hood to step on. Also, most working class poor of that time made only about five pounds a year, yet you have these men carrying wallets. They would more likely have only coins, for paper money was still a rarity. Also you have him meet an American, when as a country, America will not exist for almost eighty years. At that time he would have merely been a Colonial from which ever state. kotorfanmedia Dark Side Female Revan The Woes of a Dark Lord AnimeAngel KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: If that was all it took… It was cutesy in it’s own way. Bastila’s ‘side effect’ of Battle meditation caught me unawares. Carth going over to the dark side for something so simple. And Revan’s reply to Bastila’s whining, all choice. Murderer Revan’s Pet Duck TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton’s revelation Remember conversation breaks. There are extra words at some point as if you were going one way then doubled back. An editing problem, nothing more. The piece is good because while possible, the end was totally unexpected. You know Atton’s past, you know what he has done, and might do. To go from might to will is a short step. Pick of the week Absolute Power GrimRabbit PostTSL: Revan conquers the galaxy, with a twist. The piece was excellent because my version of the Dark Lord was so close. Maybe an iron hand, but an iron hand that is doing it for the common good. I for one never accepted that every dark lord had to be a sociopath. Pick of the Week Exile's Quandary MariusTook TSL on Malachor V: Standing at the end of the battle, the Exile thinks of what is to come. The piece is mainly flashbacks, but you understand why the Exile will now chose. What he does choose is not yet decided, but we know it will be soon. Beyond the Outer Rim, Chapter 1 Graceful PostTSL: Stopping in the cantina after arrival is not always the best thing to do… Improper word usage. It’s waded (As in wading in water) not wadded as in compressed into a wad and stared (past tense of stare) instead of starred as in starring in a movie. The piece is interesting in that the pieces are set, the game is afoot, but it’s only a tease for more. Enough to give you a taste but not a full glass. I may have to read more if I ever find the time. The Duel CyberCat PreKOTOR: Revan and Malak fight on Mustafar The piece flowed, but it was so obviously the fight scene from ROTS that I was not able to suspend disbelief. Even In Death Joysweeper PostKOTOR: A voice from the grave… The piece is poignant, Carth, even in death, doing what he can to save the woman he had fallen in love with. Pick of the Week You're the Only One Who Knows Lillianjoy PostKOTOR: Carth remembers… The piece is gentle in it’s portrayal. The pain of waiting, wondering if she will return or not. The last lines from TSL fit the mood. Sacrifice For Naught Animeangel KOTOR approaching Star Forge: Looking back, Revan regrets what she has done The piece is short, but chilling. Wondering if you can ever forgive yourself for what you have done. Through the Shadow- Part One Shara TSL At Telos Academy: Brianna faces her fate An interesting bit, putting the two scenes, Briana facing Atris at the same time that Kreia does her spiel. The only problem I have with it it the same I had in ROTS when Anakin faces Obi Wan and the Emperor decides to leave to find him right in the middle of the fight. It works in a movies (Though not well for the astute) because you are paying attention to the media before you rather than logic. You have them moving halfway across the galaxy to stop something happening now. Shattered Delerius_Jedi and Prisoner24601 TSL on Malachor V: The Dark Exile crushes Mical’s hopes. The piece is nice and eerie. Having her spare Mical’s life only because she wants him to live with the defeat suitably sadistic. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 18, 2009 Author Share Posted December 18, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center A World Overturned Writer KOTOR After Leviathan: The revelation of her identity unsettles the crew A good albeit generic retelling of the scene. The angst of the discovery is clearly drawn, and the scene was as good if not better than the one used in the game. untitled Salzella TSL, no specifics given: a brief interlude after a comedy of errors The piece was a bit disjointed because of the flashbacks. The colony they stopped at was interesting, and the problem easily corrected. kotorfanmedia Dark Side Female Revan A Kotor Carol: A Gift for Revan RevanGoddess Originally posted 2 Feb 2007. That review is below: A year after Darth Revan regains her title: The revelations from A Christmas Carol ala KOTOR What can I say that 16 thumbs up hasn’t already? You did what I tell people to do with a seasonal story; you left out all of the Christmas references and still told one hell of a story! Reprise Pick of the Week Return To Sender Joysweeper PostKOTOR continuation of Even in Death: Revan finds a reason to smile again The piece was interesting; the aftermath of a defeat and frantic retreat, the main character still trying to revel in being the person she has become, but that new life losing it’s luster. Unlike the first story, this letter from the grave still has hope in it, and perhaps his hope will bring her some. Pick of the Week Storm Warnings CyberCat Originally posted 9 Feb 2007, that review is below: During TESB: Darth Vader resurrects his ancestor Revan. The style is good, the story interesting. Well worth the read. Technical note: Assuming the Republic had a dating system similar to our modern day one, Revan would have been alive in the 19990s until about 20050. Without a convenient central point (Such as not having a year one in the Christian calendar) pretty much every other dating system works by reigns of monarch, that kind of thing. For example you would mark the battle of Thermoplae as 2592 before the present year rather than 485 BCE. Canonical note: Han Solo wasn’t made General until ROTJ. During this period he was still merely a smuggler named Captain Solo. Reprise Pick of the Week Carth’s Revelation RevanGoddess KOTOR on the Rakata World after the Star Forge: Revan finally gets her man I tended to agree with both Twiklet and Chemist Own that Carth gave in too easily. But I can understand why a man would be torn in this situation. The piece flowed smoothly to a nice clean finish. Pick of the Week Lessons Armilla PreKOTOR: Who will be the Dark Lord? The piece flowed well except for the missing word in ‘I grieved (for) my sister for the first time.' The end was a surprise because I enjoyed the sweet reasonable view Revan had shown up until the moment she struck. The most irritating part of the Dark Side view in my mind is the ‘there can be only one’ attitude. Pick of the Week Force Blind -- Section 1 Princess Artemis KOTOR on the Star Forge: The Dark Lord returns… But something is not right with the Force. An interesting piece because something is happening here I have trouble comprehending. In my own full KOTOR novel, I had my Revan contemplating that the Force is not good or bad, but strives for balance, and having someone who is Force-blind suddenly having access to the Force resonates with that. Neither good nor evil can be wholly ascendant, it has to be balanced. This suggests the Force is sentient and I like it. To Revan's Rescue Ocelott PreKOTOR: Just another dull day at the Jedi Temple… Not. The scene is well laid out, the situation hilarious. I can picture Revan as the practical joker at that age, and aiming at Vrook and Atris, the two more stolid characters, is perfect. I can also see other masters shaking their heads and chuckling when alone at their antics. After all, kids are still kids. Pick of the Week To Be An Echani... tWiNkLeT PreKOTOR: Training to fight the Mandalorians The scenes are nicely wrought, and the training well done. First, while it is called melee combat, the weapons are not called melee weapons. They are hand and edged weapons opposed to projectile or distance weapons. A melee weapon by definition is anything you can use when the enemy is close enough to literally hit with your hand. Second, when you block using a staff, you have to avoid meeting the edge of the sword. The weight will sometimes be enough to cut through, and if it is sharp it will, usually. The Source of Darkness Master of LD and DS Originally posted 15 Mar 2007 Original review below: The combined crews from both adventures face the true enemy. The style and flow starts a bit ragged, but smoothes out quickly. Just from this small portion, I know it would be worth reading a lot more. Pity is, I don’t have the time. Reprise Pick of the Week The Corruption of Carth Onasi Part 1 RevanGoddess PostKOTOR on the Rakata homeworld: Carth considers his future, and what he might have to do to redeem the woman he loves. This is all dark angst and confusion. I wonder how many Germans who joined the Nazis before World War II started this way, hoping to change from within? Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 25, 2009 Author Share Posted December 25, 2009 To all my readers, all seven or eight of you, I wish any Holiday joy you wish to celebrate. I myself will be working until 9, and supping on Ramen. Coruscant Entertainment Center The Fall of Jolee Bindo Seth Clearwater KOTOR on Lehon: Fighting fire with fire. The basics are good though it needs editing. Remember conversation breaks. This sentence ‘The maniacal shrieks from Bastila screeched‘ has too many adverbs linked directly to the sounds. It would have been better as ‘Bastila screeched maniacally’. All in all an interesting take on the scene, though having Jolee get stabbed, somehow go to the dark side in the process and heal himself was a bit much. Revan's Secret Apprentice Seth Clearwater KOTOR on Taris: A young boy follows our heroes The piece needs smoothing out more than anything else. Too short to get a good read on, but it is interesting in what is revealed. The only negative I have is the stealth belt. I know it’s part of the game but there is no such thing 4,000 years later, so I have to wonder what happened to the concept. Plus having the boy in the room, yet our nascent Jedi does not detect him. It isn’t like Sasha later where she has all of the ducting to hide in. The Sith Lords - a movie Visas TSL: A short film trailer The piece is good, flowing well, and giving us a number of excellent scenes, though you gave us too much in some ways. A good trailer doesn’t reveal things such as the Jedi masters being killed, or the Ravager blowing up. Look at the HD trailer for Old Republic. All it reveals of what is going to happen is the shattering attack on the Jedi Temple and the fleet investing Coruscant. More than enough action, but unrevealing in the depths of the story. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Playing with Fire Prisoner24601 and Dinah Lance. KOTOR on Manaan: Psychiatric counseling half a mile below the surface? The piece is well wrought, giving you enough to know how the dynamics of the two couples work. Juhani and Revan have the hardest parts, trying to break through the web of unwilling connections to find the true paths, and giving Carth a chance vent without killing her. The byplay of the ongoing battle fought by Canderous and Juhani is a welcome breath of fresh air in the thick atmosphere. Pick of the Week Light Side Female Exile Conjectures Moonmythology TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Why the Exile likes the rain The piece is good, flowing well. The only jarring note was when Atton kissed her on the rain rather than in it. The ‘Truth Holocron’ was a cute touch, the old Magic 8 ball in a new guise, and helping the story along. Dark Side Female Revan Breaking from my Former Masters Revanreborn225 TSL on Dantooine: The Exile cuts her final ties to the Jedi order-literally The piece goes from quiet to battle to quiet again smoothly. When she walks away, she is the last standing, and her quest for power will be frightening. Mandalorian Wars - Tales from Both Sides: An Arm for the Taking Delasaer Chval Mandalorian Wars on Eris III: Bao Dur on a mission The piece has all of the stress and angst you might wish to ask for. Except for stealth and shields (I have my own disagreements with the tech, since you don’t see personal shields until Phantom Menace, and don’t see stealth at all) but discounting that the scenes are crisply drawn. Pick of the Week Imitate Nitesh TSL on Ebon Hawk: With Bao Dur’s help the Exile builds her new saber. It’s disdain (A feeling of contempt), not distain(To dye). From word usage I think you meant ‘intentionally or not depend(s)’. The piece is rich, yet all we see is a person tinkering with equipment, and two people discussing why. This is a very in depth view of the making of a light saber not from the mechanical view, but the spiritual view and as such is very satisfying. Pick of the Week Beautiful Jiara TSL on Korriban: Sion has his own view of what had happened in the past A piece almost entirely introspective, it grips you as you witness Sion’s twisted view of what had happened between him and the Exile at Malachor. Ruin Alexandra PreKOTOR: The soon to be Exile comes back to get the one thing she wants, but can’t have It was an interesting take on the relationship. It was also an interesting take on the Dark side itself. How much of what they do is actually linked to such emotions? Pick of the Week Indiscretions, Prologue & Chapter 1 - Izumi, Captured Dark Jedi Princess PostTSL: A rescue mission A blend of SW and Full Metal Alchemist, my biggest problem with it is having never gotten into the Anime. Blending two different genres (And universes) together is not easy, but it was a good effort. Conditional Chapter I Darthjess PostTSL: Revan returns, looking for parts of her old life Plea would have been better than beseech. Others have commented on other words used in odd manners, so I will forego any others. The piece is smooth and has the feel of a ragged warrior returning to who knows what. Mission’s comment suggests that the Exile and Carth may now be a couple, as the Exile’s comments suggest she might be willing. But Carth is still tightly focused. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 31, 2009 Author Share Posted December 31, 2009 Coruscant Entertainment Center A Christmas Carol: Star Wars edition. Mrcharlton SW no specific time given: Anakin ends up playing Scrooge with a little unwilling help from his friends It’s fazed (Bothered) not phased (changed). Also, remember, he’s a sponge. the lyrics go; absorbent and yellow and porous is he! Usually I don’t give holiday stories a good review. This one had an interesting touch though; the characters and the author bickering constantly. Anakin can’t seem to remember the word humbug, even minor characters like Ahsoka complaining because she knows she’s going to die in yet another epic, and Lando complaining because he’s not supposed to blink. I enjoyed Boba Fett and Mira as a couple even with the comment that she‘s 4,000 years older than he is. Now usually when I review that’s it. If I have time I’ll go back. But our author was surprised to discover we had a mean old Critic here when she posted. I posted again to assure her, and she posted that day. Wondering if she was replying, I looked back and caught the next chapter. I wasn’t sure what to think; SpongeBob? Stewie? Outrageous! Keep it up. A Heroes Welcome Mrcharlton KOTOR on Taris: The bar room scene with a twist You’re pushing the action a bit here, kid. The piece flowed pretty well, that notwithstanding. Unlike the heroes we are used to, these seem to be more locals, though calling one an ex-Jedi would defeat that purpose as well. Welcome to the forum. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Getting Burned Prisoner24601 and Dinah Lance. TSL Bound for the Star Forge: A lover’s quarrel. The piece was nice and clean, the characters well honed. The interplay was good. The start of the argument, the fire set to dry his armor was cute because as a smoker I hate over sensitive smoke alarms too. Pick of the Week Dark Side Female Revan My Damnation Quibby Prologue to TSL: The Exile remembers Malachor The piece is well done, introspection and flashback melded to show you the final moments of Malachor V in brutal detail. The Exile’s reaction to what had been done is superb. Pick of the Week Betrayal of the Heart ForceFightWme12 PreKOTOR at Revan‘s capture: The final battle… Others have commented, and the one thing I agree with is the characters are like cardboard cutouts, real but two dimensional. Malak’s betrayal does follow to quickly on the other scene, and seems a bit rushed. Still an excellent piece of work. Kreia's Journal Cursed One PreKOTOR during Academy days: A journal is discovered on Dantooine by Mical. Remember to do a visual edit when you write. You have lead (If pronounced this way it is a metal) instead of led, then quiet instead of quite. Both would pass a spell check, but are improper where they are. The statement ‘She had never a child,’ needs the word ‘been’. In the phrase ‘She had learned and master techniques’ either one of the verbs is redundant. Mastered is the same as learned. You also left out the word difference in ‘the between Sith and Jedi.’. None of these are major problems. When the flow gets good I as bad if not worse. Just remember to edit for content, and you’ll be perfect.. The piece is an excellent look at the girl who would one day be the Dark Lord. Pick of the Week Collateral Damage Prisoner24601 and Dinah Lance. PostTSL: Revan is back in hiding, and her revenge will be sweet An interesting continuation of the sections I have read. I’m especially interested in what happened to her followers from the first crew. How about an answer? Pick of the Week Idle Offer Rawtooth TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk enroute to Nar Shaddaa: An interesting scene between the Handmaiden and Atton The scene flows well and the only bobble (Mentioned by Bald As Malak) was minor. As had been commented, there are two different ways to take the last line. Pain and Power Brandon Ordo PreTSL on Malachor V: Traya prepares to depart The piece is dark and foreboding. The last scene, Lord Revan leaving at Kreia’s command sets up so many possibilities. Padawan Pranks Nadia PreKOTOR Academy days: A prank and revenge This was a riot. It explains why Malak is bald, and the picture of that big hulking brute later in a dress was one I couldn’t keep out of my head. The only part I was unsure about was the hole in the clothes at the end. Way funny. Pick of the Week Dark Decisions ForceFightWme12 KOTOR on the Star Forge: Pulled in different directions by her nature, Revan reacts It’s not defiantly (With defiance) but definitely(Assured). The piece flow well, the reasoning up until the confrontation sound. The argument between Bastila and Carth caused the unreasoning action of Revan, and she regrets it almost immediately. Pick of the Week Bastila’s Pawn Joysweeper KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Bastila plans her future The story rolled well, Bastila gloating over her control, yet there is an undercurrent of worry. I’m reminded of the old Limerick of the woman from Niger… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 8, 2010 Author Share Posted January 8, 2010 Coruscant Entertainment Center the rouge jedi exoduz No time frame given: A prologue, but not much of one. There isn’t enough here to do a real review. When you add to it, let me know. Wrath of the Sith Johnathon-Mk II Two years after TSL: Darth Nihilus returns Remember to spell check; disapation has two ‘s’, prisinors is spelled prisoners, business is spelled business. Remember dialogue breaks. I can tell you spent a lot of time with Star Trek, using impulse engines, etc. The battle scene needs some work. Everything moved a bit too quickly. Also, with as many alien species we already have in Star Wars finding another one would be a surprise, but not a major one. As for resurrecting Nihilus, that I can accept, but how did you resurrect a destroyed ship? Your problems are mainly editing and polishing. Technical note: We don’t see fighters with hyper drives until The Clone Wars, though most still needed an eternal mount. Also there is no mention of a weapon capable of making black holes. If there had been, the Empire would have used it. Welcome to the forum Rising From the Ashes of Valour Lord Spitfire During Mandalorian wars: During the battle of Isiz, a Republic officer learns about honor The situation is well described and stark. The battle didn’t make much sense because there were no tactics to it. A massive Banzai charge didn’t make any sense for either side. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Switch - Part 1: Fish 'n' Ships of Forgotten Memories Lightbulb KOTOR at Manaan: The nickname ‘switch’ says it all It started out pretty bland actually, but seeing a Force power go awry in this manner was really cute. I wish I could read it all. Pick of the Week Dark Side Male Revan Battle Plans Sefoster PreTSL: Revan returns to Malachor, and finds himself The piece is well written, the battle scene at the start smooth. As a first work it is very well done. Canon Note. The rule of two didn’t come into being until a thousand years before the Empire, three millennia after the scene. Dark Side Female Revan The Devils Within the Walls Katara Ironarm TSL after Malachor V: The Exile speaks with Revan’s spirit The scene was interesting in having Revan’s spirit trying to seduce her to the dark side. It makes me wonder about Revan’s death as well. AU Battle of Rakata Prime Darkling Angel AU KOTOR at the Star Forge: Revan faces her twin brother The piece was well done, the fight a little drab, but I kind of like fight scenes. Departure Darth Xio Jade During the Mandalorian Wars: A bitter parting between Kavar and his apprentice The biggest problem I had was the lack of conversation breaks. The story itself is good beyond that. Lifelines, Part I Trillian4210 TSL Enroute to Nar Shaddaa: Bao-Dur brings back the Exile’s memories The idea that the Exile had memory loss as well was intriguing. This piece gently teases you with those memories. I just wish I had time to read it all. Pick of the Week The New Teacher, Chapter 1 Evil Shall Giggle Pre Mandalorian War: A new teacher had predictable problems The piece is amusing in that we see Atris trying to control an unruly class without her usual perfect reserve. I did agree with the comment about the Jedi being less unruly than an average classroom, but it did give us the idea that Atris has a heart. Pick of the Week End of the Line DarthNemesis2 TSL at Traya Academy: The end of the line The piece was good in that words were the primary weapon in one fight, and light sabers in the other. A good if generic piece. Coup d'etat Revan’s Pet Duck PreKOTOR: A coup is planned… The scene is well laid, the attempt credible. The fight flows well, and you can picture the losses right to the end. Revan’s revenge for the attempt perfect. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 15, 2010 Author Share Posted January 15, 2010 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Chronicles of Morbius none223 After the Battle of Yavin: Kyle Katarn is introduced to a Sith Prophesy The piece is short and abrupt. Except for the revelation of the prophesy nothing much really happened. Kyle Katarn is a clearly defined character, so there is little to add to characterization. My only question is was this set before Kyle gave up his powers the first time or after? I, Fanficcer Darth InSidious KOTOR, sort of: A series of scenes that makes little or no sense. Considering the piece, I’m not sure I should review it. As a critic I am appalled by the words used incorrectly, not to mention the grammar. As a reader I am stumbling around trying to make sense of it. As a humorist, I did enjoy the noisy sacks. The Old Man Canderis NonSW Horror: An interesting vignette It’s only your second time in the forum, so perhaps I didn’t suggest earlier that you space the work out so it doesn’t look like a solid block of text. There really isn’t enough of the work to get a proper grasp, and there is no explanation of what is occurring. The characters are cardboard cutouts two men, one woman, no mention of age or description except for one being very old. When it came to scene description you did much better, a pounding rain, a decrepit hotel. Dark Light Endorenna LOTR/SW Crossover: A young girl finds herself bent on rescue. The piece flowed well, but considering Endorenna’s usual work that is not surprising. I had never considered a crossover of this sort, but it makes an interesting start. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Firestorm Prisoner24601 and Dinah Lance KOTOR on the Star Forge: The climactic fight. The piece firmly cements the characters into their relationships. Carth’s refusal to surrender, Canderous refusing to leave the wounded Min (Revan) behind, Bastila and Min beginning the maneuver that gives the Republic it’s chance at victory, all flows together smoothly to the climax. Pick of the Week Light Side Female Exile When This All goes to Hell DyrraDegan TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile finds the best way to deal with Manda’lor. The piece is cute and trite in it’s treatment of the relationship between the Exile and the older man. The previous section of dealt with her problems with the other men in her team, and her anxieties as well, worried that Mical and Atton will come to blows over her. It is refreshing for the character to find one man in the crew that doesn’t love her adoringly. Dark Side Female Revan Backstory WinterOnasi Spanning the Mandalorian Wars and the beginning of the Civil War: Each of them had a life before we met them… The piece is astounding. It takes each of the characters we know and blends their past seamlessly into the defining moments that made them who we know. Pick of the Week The choices we make, the paths we take. Bastila JediPrincess Pre Mandalorian Wars: Revan and Bastila go on an undercover mission The basic writing is good but the premise is a bit odd. I cannot see the Order being the equivalent of a police organization with cops thrown together as if mix and match then going undercover. If I had to imagine a police like them, I would think more of the Texas Rangers; One problem, one ranger. Return Evil Shall Giggle PreKOTOR: The Exile returns after the war, but doesn’t receive the welcome he anticipated The piece is dark and foreboding. The reactions of Atris seems a bit forced. But a good read. Understanding Weakness Faelyn PostKOTOR: Revan teachers her apprentice about weakness The piece is delightfully skewed. At first you accept the premise that perhaps it was Carth who failed, not Revan. When you get to the end, however, you see it as mere rationale. Pick of the Week The Order of the True Sith, Chapter 1: Meetings and Revelations Jedi Valius PostTSL: The truth about Revan’s departure is revealed The term is alleviated not allieved. You also forgot the letter ‘o’ in open. Don’t worry too much, I almost always spell check because I tend to do the same when in a flurry of creative force. The basic idea is not only good but very intriguing. Having some of the Jedi and the Republic concealing Revan’s condition while frantically looking for a cure is well done. Pick of the Week When You're Taught Through Feelings Delasaer Chval PostMandalorian War: The Exile returns to the Jedi to accept her fate The piece is outstanding in that the Exile is examined here in a harsh pitiless light. She feels her loss, knows and accepts her fate, and while not happy about it, knows what must be done. You can feel her anguish and know that she will go on only because ending it is not the correct reaction. Canon Note: From the visual display of the ‘trial’ of the Exile, it occurred on Coruscant, not Dantooine. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 22, 2010 Author Share Posted January 22, 2010 Women Kado Sunrider TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: A tense time for the men… The scene was interesting in that everyone but Atton is acting oddly. When you find out why the women are reacting this way, you understand. The fact of the matter is that when you have a group of women together for a long enough period, the events suggested do occur, but it’s usually not this funny. A Name Never Known Kyvios No specific era or Genre given: A lone survivor records his end The story was a bit on the bland side, kid. We know it’s supposed to be KOTOR based but there is no way to figure which one beyond the tomb. The survivor is unnamed. However you can feel the anguish at his own actions, and a measure of grief. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Exile Red Dawn Lady Tragic Mandalorian War era: Mical remembers the Exile in the past. The scene is well laid out, the character clean and new like a brand new blade. Her reason for leaving clear, but like the character in the game, tied again to others, just not the way Vrook might have suggested. Light Side Male Revan The Lonely God Bisted KOTOR aboard Star Forge: Revan makes on last attempt to set at least part of his life right The piece is good because you didn’t anticipate what was going to happen at the end. Very well done. Pick of the Week Dark Side Female Revan Of The Lies That I Have Lived | Chapter 1 Old Wolf KOTOR aboard the Endar Spire: The main character frantically flees not only the enemy but her own fears. It’s silhouette, not silohet. Remember to edit, there are places that could use some smoothing out. I agreed with your assessment that the Sith might have at least tried to upload some disrupting software. An interesting take on the main character compared to everything else. She isn’t the competent or brash unknown, she’s frightened out of her tiny little mind and running on instinct. A welcome change. Pick of the Week Vengeance Noneko TSL on Onderon: A fallen Exile takes her revenge Taking a flashback, then reversing the outcome was an interesting touch. Well done. Arms of an Angel Lilianjoy KOTOR No Specific scene: In flashbacks, Revan sees her life and love As the other reviewer commented, it felt rushed. Longer would have been better. Anything but Serene Secondrate Tsl on Telos: Things happened in the cockpit as the shuttle went down The byplay between the flight crew is choice and the commentary; 'Then at least manage to get us there in one piece.' 'Well, seeing as our wing is gone and we're losing bits and pieces of wiring every second, we're a long way past one pie--ow! What was that for?' he asked, mentally rubbing his arm where she had hit it. Made it even funnier. Serenity is one of my favorite movies, and seeing it played out here was fun. Pick of the Week Echoes: Chapter 1 (repost) Moonmythology No specific era given: A young girl from Tatooine tells of her past The main problem I had was there was no link to the genre beyond the location. Having the company acting more like a mob protection racket made little sense. Major corporations use lawyers to slice you up, not knives. A Rand About Peragus Inicol1990 TSL on Peragus: How did he end up in the cell? While an interesting take on the scene it doesn’t explain how Atton ended up there especially when he examined his own equipment and nothing should have caused such an official reaction. If someone had slipped a military grade weapon in maybe… The Master's Apprentice Mara Nedolo PreKOTOR: The thoughts that run through their minds as battle is joined… The piece flows well, but it feels unpolished. Jumping from one person to the other of the trio to examine what is happening is good. Memories of the Revenant - Chapter I Akallabeth PreKOTOR: A woman with no memory wanders the streets of Taris The piece was interesting in that Taris is seen through new eyes, not as a visitor, but as a resident, even for the short term. Canon note: Rodians do not have claws, they have suckers on their fingertips. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 29, 2010 Author Share Posted January 29, 2010 Coruscant Entertainment Center Light Side Female Revan Balm Prisoner24601 and Dinah Lance KOTOR after the Star Forge: The four primary characters consider what they must do now. The piece fits into the work seamlessly. The idea that both Min(Revan) and Bastila might need rescue is only touched upon, but makes for an interesting premise to build on. Pick of the Week A Jedi's Love: Chapter 1 Sonn4Jam3s PreKOTOR: The story begins as a smuggler settles in on the Endar Spire. Remember to check homonyms. Hear should have been here, and span will work but normal usage is spun. The warning wasn’t needed about slash when I read the characters reaction to the men around her. I know a lady like her. She thinks I’m a sweet guy, and confided that maybe I could find her a girl friend. I joked that finding one for myself was hard enough. Pick of the Week Light Side Female Exile Goodbyes at the End of the Galaxy PersephoneWatching TSL with flashbacks to PostKOTOR: Canderous gets a second chance to rejoin Revan. The piece is interesting but has little new. The idea that Revan would seriously injure her companion rather than let him follow any further did not bode well, but we have yet to know why. A Case for Butttun Back in Blaque No specific era given: It seems Revan has found a new job… An interesting look at the character. The case is interesting primarily because there doesn’t seem to be rhyme nor reason it it at all. Light Side Female Exile Special Obaona PreTSL: Recently exiled, the exile finds herself in another battle Technical note. As I have told others before, melee is a type of battle and class of weapon; close quarters where even your teeth can be weapons, but not an adequate description. Instead of using this term when defining drawn weapons, describe them. The world weariness and wish to be left alone is clearly defined. The reaction to the invasion, the assault is instinctive, an old soldier reacting instead of acting. Very well done. Pick of the Week Dark Side Male Revan Living the Code TheJediSentinel PostKOTOR: The evolution of man into husband It was obvious from the start that it was satire, primarily because of the way this poor man is changed from a great warrior almost into a house husband. Training him into being a proper partner reminds me too much of my own marriages, where neither of them did half as well with me. Dark Side Female Revan Fragments of Memories: Prologue Mayla PostKOTOR: Bastila give a eulogy for Revan The piece is gentle and sad, looking at the woman’s death not as the warrior fallen, but as the woman whose memory came back only at her death. The feeling from Bastila is that something precious, her very existence had been stolen when they wiped her memory. Pick of the Week Mariah Inicol1990 PostKOTOR: Daughter goes to join her mother The piece starts out as the regular angst of a father and daughter not getting along, but doesn’t end that way. The only complaints I had were these; we don’t know beyond teenaged how old the girl is, and it was too blasted short. Betrayed JoySweeper PreKOTOR: The scene where Revan fell, but not as you might anticipate… The scene is well done, Revan’s thoughts clear on what is occurring, even in the end. The idea that She and Malak had agreed not to waste energy trying to kill each other for the good of the cause, but that subtle trace of worry that it might happen anyway. The method Malak uses is even more elegant than the one portrayed in the game/ Pick of the Week Marks Sass Morgan TSL, no specific time given: Look who’s doing the laundry… The piece is cute. As he’s cleaning and mending the clothes, Atton is giving a good play by play of the situation. A lot of it is things you would anticipate a wife thinking as she sorts the clothes, right down to thinking he should have Bao-dur take time to build a sewing machine. Wanderer's Redemption: Esoteric Pilgrim, Chapter 1 Lady of Arrakis You forgot to finish words sometimes, widow instead of window, you also used the wrong word several consol(support someone in need of consolation) instead of console(Panel). These are editing problems easily corrected. The reaction when she saw Kreia sit up made me think I had read it before, but it was just a different version of the same scene from a work I reviewed in October of last year. It was a delightful romp through the scenes, with Atton too busy measuring her attire, Kreia giving orders like a Sturmbannfuhrer, the Exile making sarcastic comments about everything around her and taking out her frustration on the hapless droids. Pick of the Week Choices, part 1: A Battle between Darkness and Light Darth Mettiz Unless it is metal, a belt would cling, not clang. Technical note: a tractor beam is the science fiction equivalent of a tow line, not a method for finding people. The piece is nice and dark, almost chiaroscuro. Hunting down the leaders is a nice touch, since that is where any possible resistance might form later. Having her contemplating torturing two men for something as trivial as not holding a salute long enough is sick and twisted, which fit’s the scene. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 5, 2010 Author Share Posted February 5, 2010 kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Revan Revan’s Return 1: Carth Onasi PersephoneWatching PostTSL: Revan returns, but what will she find? An interesting, albeit short post. I wanted more introspection as well, some flashbacks maybe. We know she has scars, one on the face, another on the leg, but what caused them, for example. Her fear that everything will have completely changed is shown when they meet, Her worry that she still might hate her. Dark Side Female Revan A Battle between Darkness and Light Darth Mettiz Some improper word usage, steep instead of step for example, and using the word tightly twice in the same sentence. A good generic fighting scene. My only wonder is why she was several days away if she expected a battle? Life is Like a Boat Neni KOTOR on Star Forge: Captured by Malek, Revan feels only the pain of Carth’s death. The piece is interesting, and linking the lyrics a nice touch. I could have used a little back story, but that’s just me. Missing Neni KOTOR after the unknown planet: Juhani’s thoughts I have yet to hear the song, but understand where B’sA is coming from. There are songs that just fit one person. I agree Juhani is more into angst than Bastila is, but except for the Disciple, there is no character in either party I cannot stand. Animal I Have Become RevanRand16 KOTOR on Star Forge: Revan falls, and continues to fall The piece dives straight into madness, and the worst part is she’s both appalled and elated by her fall. Nightmares of Gizka Mara Nedolo TSL No specific port given: A nightmare segues into reality The piece is light with a silly nightmarish feel to it. The ending scene is a laugh as the brave Jedi and her companions flee in terror of… The Gizka. Pick of the Week My Immortal Neni PreKOTOR: Before the battle, Revan knows she will be betrayed. The piece is interesting, primarily because you rarely see a Dark Lord Revan becoming war weary. The only thing keeping her going is the love she shares, and even that is tinged by the knowledge that betrayal is just that much closer. Fortune told Eisu TSL on Star Forge in Comic Book format: Kreia told the Exile her fortune, but what if… When I see it’s a picture, I generally merely drop out and go on. Something about this first set of panels made me take a closer look. It was like the old Lays potato chip commercials; bet you can’t read just one! After I stopped laughing I went on all the way to four. Then I noticed that the author had also done a Male Exile series and I just had to look at them as well. I never stopped laughing, especially with number 8 which I suggest to everyone. Pick of the Week Just Another Test Nadia PostTSL: Atton considers why he stays with the Dark Exile The piece is bittersweet, like a dark chocolate truffle. The feelings he has are well portrayed, and her testing him constantly to prove that devotion well conveyed. Pick of the Week Après Moi, Le Deluge Mara Nedolo PostTSL: A lost fragment of Revan’s journals reveals her own heart as she and the Exile fight to stem the next enemy. The piece is dark and deep, with her remembering what she had done as Darth Revan to save the Republic, and now does to save it yet again. But the blinders are off, and she wonders even as she fights if the game is worth it. Well done. Pick of the Week Twisted Events: Prologue Soldier PostKOTOR AU: As a master makes minute changes in the past, Revan sends Bastila on a mission. The piece is well done albeit a bit confusing. You have Taris still intact, Malak (I assume that is who arrived) not only alive but without his gorget, and Bastila as apprentice to the Dark lord, with no explanation how they got there. One of those I wish I could read all the way through if only to figure out what is happening. Becoming Broken Midnight Hawk TSL at Traya Academy: As he waits for her, Sion remembers how the Exile has made him what he is now The piece is excellent in the way it is delicately skewed from reality. How he blames every step on the dark path to the one he loved and felt betrayed by. But part of him hopes that she will admit this before she dies. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 12, 2010 Author Share Posted February 12, 2010 Coruscant Entertainment Center Doctor Who: Beyond Death Alkonium NonSW: When the Doctor dies for the final time, he doesn’t find what he expected. Remember conversation breaks. It was a bit confusing though I could keep track of who was talking. DI was correct in that we didn’t find out much. Calling a character cardboard is a bit much because whenever you use someone else’s universe, it is assumed that you know the characters well enough to follow along. How often does a fan fic describe Luke Chewie or Han after all? Part of the reason I limit my fan fic reading because if I don’t follow the show, how am I to know the character? Mass Effect 2: Second Chance Tysyacha NonSW: A hero finds herself resurrected and sent on another mission. The basics are good Tys, though saying that with your work is like telling an artist they put everything where it belongs. Like I mentioned above I tend to avoid fan fics based on things I don’t know; I am unable to play Mass Effect because my system does not have enough free memory or graphics card, so a lot of the back-story is lost on me, though knowing Shepherd can be either sex made it a bit more interesting. From what I had heard, the commander was male so I wondered if you had done a little gender-bending here… The primary mission is sound, though a bit confusing as well. Regardless of what Cerberus had done for her, why is she willing to support them when she defines them as terrorists? Still a good read. kotorfanmedia Revan's Retribution Jaina Solo PreKOTOR: Malak learns pain at Revan’s hand. You used the wrong word when you used gape (Stare) instead of gap (space between). Other than that, the piece was excellent. Malak’s belief that he would not be punished severely was quickly disabused and the punishment short and sharp. Her last words were direct and dangerous, and yet I wonder why she didn’t merely kill him after that. Pick of the Week Guilt Tatooine92 PostKOTOR: What can Revan do to atone? The piece is heart wrenching as the main character destroys what little is left of her life. The ending is enigmatic, and I wonder as well if Revan’s spirit reached out to write that last heartfelt note. Pick of the Week Pre-KotOR Journal's - entry 1 - Faline Hart Exile Faline PreKOTOR: The Exile gets in trouble The story is well written, but there are problems with it as other reviewers have commented. I do not throw out psychological tags as heavily as some, but I do think she is hot headed, and that should have been trained out of her after a minimum of eight to ten years. Sisters Saphyre PreKOTOR: Three friends swear an eternal bond The piece is a bit funny and giddy at the start, three friends sneaking out to spend some time together. Like a lot of secret societies, there is perceived danger, self mutilation, and of course, candles and drinking. What is especially interesting is who these three became. Their personalities, as the last section shows, all changed from who they had been, and who they were now. That, as the narrator commented, is not always a good thing. Pick of the Week A New Line of Work Sir Boss PreTSL: After her Exile, she has to find something to do. You have already been praised for the back story, but I praise the fight scene. Most people just have them start, then it’s over. You set up and followed a flow of movement that made the fight real. With that along with the other things you have been praised for, this is one excellent slice of her life. The only negatives I can think of is a spelling error, and the need to edit; but as those who have suffered beneath my keyboard before will tell you, everyone, even I or a professional, have to remember that. On a technical note, however, the comment that only a Jedi could strike behind herself in such a manner is invalid. All people who learn swordsmanship are taught to develop what is a called a sense of the point; knowing where the point of your blade is during a fight. You also learn where not to strike, so you don’t accidentally stick it into yourself. Some people never learn, but those who become good or for long enough do, and after four years of warfare, I would assume she would know that without being a Jedi. Pick of the week Not a Very Happy Birthday Katara Ironarm PostKOTOR: Not a very happy day for the dark lord An odd place for the thoughts of so one assumed to be so evil to catch upon. The piece is deep in introspection, and the idea that it was her birthday just pounded the nails deeper. She didn’t think of any happy memories she might have, but on what might have been, and that makes it even darker and more sad. Pick of the Week Destroyers Elena PreKOTOR: What Malak wants The piece was curious. Most seven year olds have trouble deciding what kind of cake they want with their ice cream. To want power at that age is a bit adult. The boy is growing up too fast in my view. I was a bit disturbed at the end because of the self mutilation. Dark Redemption Ryusui KOTOR on the Star Forge: She will bend the galaxy to her will to save it. You used the wrong word or misspelled them naiveté not navity. Lose, not loose. Beyond that all I saw was editing problems. You followed a slightly different path from the one I did, but having Revan go to the dark side not to destroy the Republic but to save it is what I had done in my own work. The Game of Jealousy - Part 1 AkiraLamont TSL on Dantooine: So who is jealous? The only thing I didn’t buy was the crash landing, though something close to it would have been just as much fun. Having her throw herself at the Disciple was a cute bit of fluff and aiming him like a missile at Atton looks good. Why Revan doesn’t Drive Joysweeper PreMandalorian Wars: A simple drive across Coruscant to the Temple. But Revan is driving… The piece is fun, and the description of the dickering, then yelping during the driving was very good. She reminds me sort of myself behind the wheel; I don’t like it though I can Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth InSidious Posted February 12, 2010 Share Posted February 12, 2010 Coruscant Entertainment Center Doctor Who: Beyond Death Alkonium NonSW: When the Doctor dies for the final time, he doesn’t find what he expected. Remember conversation breaks. It was a bit confusing though I could keep track of who was talking. DI was correct in that we didn’t find out much. Calling a character cardboard is a bit much because whenever you use someone else’s universe, it is assumed that you know the characters well enough to follow along. How often does a fan fic describe Luke Chewie or Han after all? Part of the reason I limit my fan fic reading because if I don’t follow the show, how am I to know the character? All the characters were, in theory, Alkonium's own inventions. See also: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Regeneration_(Doctor_Who) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Doctor_(Doctor_Who) http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Master_(Doctor_Who) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.