machievelli Posted May 28, 2011 Author Share Posted May 28, 2011 Fanfiction.net Secrets I'll Never Tell CortessaBlatt Pre TSL: Mira's earlier life I do wish the game designers had given us some background on the secondary characters. Where I made Mira a girl that had fought for the Mandalorians Cortessa made her a child of Nar Shaddaa. The idea that she would go from being an aspiring actress/singer to bounty hunter was a bit much to me. As for sexual orientation, I for one have this to say... Who cares? The pass was so gentle the Twi-lek overreacted in my opinion. Heartbreaker Clover64 Post TSL: The confrontations on Mustafar with a different cast The problem I had with the piece is that it could have been done by using a global replacement substituting characters from KOTOR for Revenge of the Sith. It is not a fair sample of your own talents. What I would like to see is your own work surpassing this. Forgotten Rikosuka KOTOR on the Star Forge and the Rakata planet: Revan deals with the emotional aftermath of the struggle. Remember to do a visual edit before you port; this catches words that do not fit such as phase (change) instead of faze (bother), or plead which should have been plea. There were also some times you didn't finish a sentence or ran words together. The piece is excellent in the angst not only of wondering is she could redeem Malak, but also her terror at almost falling to the dark side again, and her admitted love of Bastila. Pick of the Week Stargazer Joe LazerTH No specific era given: What if the Force was like another personality? The piece was fun in that the Force acts like a petulant child from the start, something the main character doesn't realize until his argument with his master on Dantooine. The irreverent attitude toward the master is more the Force talking rather than the student as well. The Disciple Stone CortessaBlatt Pre KOTOR: Glimpse of the Disciple's childhood The piece like most of CB's work flows very well, and the scene is well defined. The first meeting between the Exile and Mical is perfect. Technical note: Aren't mynocks the fliers who eat ship's cables? Pick of the Week Knights of the Old Republic Dischord KOTOR above Taris: The adventure begins Except for the fact that there is little or no character development, the piece flows very well. I have made notes below concerning the technical points that need to be addressed, but on the whole a better than generic read. Technical note: A gunman is more properly called a gunner. Shipboard directions are port (left facing the bow) and starboard (right facing the bow) kotorfanmedia Homewards Paranoid Gerbil KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Trask Ulgo's last moments, and past The piece is outstanding! You view the war years not from a defeated view, or a victor's view. Rather you view it from the man who has lost everything he cared about, and is only doing his duty from rote. His last moments, like those in the movie Gladiator, are the wishes of a man about to die, who is not afraid, and expects his world to be just beyond the veil. Pick of the Week His Reason MandalorianJedi Mandalorian wars: What goes through Malak's mind as he fights? The piece begs the question; Am I fighting for the Republic or because my superior (Revan) has decreed it? After reading, I have to go with option 2; Malak at this point does not care where or who he fights, only that someone he accepts directs his actions. Flight to Freedom Briavel KOTOR on Korriban: Thalia and her companions continue their escape One of those parts of the story not covered since it was only a side quest, this piece follows the band of escaped students after being rescued by the main character. Considering the short distance, it seemed to take forever for them to escape. However it was a very good read. Deadline HeFe KOTOR on Korriban: The ghost of Ajunta Pall feel's the Dark Revan's approach. The piece is far too short as others have commented. I only placed this on the assumption of a Dark Side game, and have no real clue if it fits. As another reviewer commented, you have this epic opening with no real meat to the story. Betrayal of Honor Jedi Valius KOTOR on Tatooine: As he lays dying, Jagi remembers what led him to this point. The author did good work; the battle scenes were well done, the action crisp and clean. I went through this side quest once, and avoided it afterward in other games because I didn't like the ending. To me it was like the game author just didn't know how to deal with Canderous' denouement regarding the events in the battle, and could only consider suicide or fighting to the death anyway. There had to be an honorable middle ground to my mind. Pick of the Week Caught in Destiny's Wake AWilson KOTOR on Taris: What happens behind the scenes when your character does something like steal a uniform? It's interesting what can happen by merely making the Sith that invites the characters to a party the opposite gender. The piece is a little bland, but as another reviewer said, it helps when you think of the average Sith as just a guy like yourself doing a job, not a rabid monster. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 4, 2011 Author Share Posted June 4, 2011 kotorfanmedia Relative Aminta Jae Originally reviewed 15 June 2007, that review is below: KOTOR: An examination of the merits of good and bad, and the consequences. The ending was a surprise, but after a moment, I was surprised that I had been. After all the story had gently led the reader to that point, and only our own biases would tell us anything else. One of the more interesting suggestions was that prim and proper Vrook was known once for his escapades. It makes me wonder is the Jedi had been more akin to bees spreading pollen instead of Christian style monks. Excellent work. Reprise Pick of the Week The Promise Crystal001 under the name Walruseater Originally reviewed 15 June 2007, that review is below: From pre-KOTOR to game: Juhani’s life and her death The work is excellent, the story and rational well considered and presented. Well worth a read. Reprise Pick of the Week Changed View Noneko Originally reviewed 22 Jun 2007 KOTOR: A look at the life of Thalia May Most of us ignore the shadowy non player characters. It isn’t that they are not there, or unimportant. It’s like the ultra rich with their servants. How many of them even bother to ask how that servant’s day has gone? Noneko who has graced my reviews before makes us look, and the look is refreshing and fun. Well worth the read. Reprise Pick of the Week Knights of the Old Republic: Chapter One:- Ambush Kyoko KOTOR at Taris: The beginning through another author's view The author has has some constructive criticism already, my main note then will be that Kyoko created a different view of the scenes by leaving out Trask and having her own actions slow the pod before it's crash. For the Greater Good WinterOnasi A minimum of 20 years before TSL: Mical's mother reacts instead of thinking The piece is outstanding. We get a good chance to see the interaction between the parents of nascent Jedi and the Jedi themselves. The characters from a 3 year old Mical to an actually sensitive Vrook are well portrayed. Pick of the Week Memoirs of a Friend LilianJoy Post KOTOR: A brief interview about Revan's departure The piece is well done, the POV pure Mission. Having her upset because the second missive from Revan came to her was also pure Mission. Pick of the Week Fanfiction.net In My Corruption CortessaBlatt TSL no specific timing given: Having proven she can have Atton when she wills, a dark Exile now sets her sights on the Disciple The author claims fatigue and delusions, but the work is actually quite good and up to the standards I expect. Disciple is like a pretty sculpture, and a Dark Exile would be drawn to such a person like a shark. As for Santa: My ex-wife admits to a streak a paranoia, and she said as a child Santa terrified her. Knowing everything you do, recording it all, and able to strike at you where ever you try to hide, what is not to be paranoid about? Pick of the Week A Knight's Fall Brazilian Sith Lord Mandalorian wars to the Star Forge: Revan recognizes beginning of his fall I thnk English must be you're second language, so I will not be harsh. You have a tendency to run words together at it can be disturbing. Everything wrong are editing problems, and my advice is to edit, reread, rewrite, and polish. I didn't have time to read much, but the first section is well wrought and intriguing. As I said in my own KOTOR novelization; expediency is what you must use to fight a war, but at the same time, the road to the Dark Side is paved with stones of it. Acid Etched ElenaTheHun TSL, Citadel Station after Ravager: Some downtime for the crew The only real editing problem is forgetting conversation breaks. Remember to watch for them. The piece has a nice 'end of disaster, let's relax for a moment' feel to it. Like Bao-Dur you're left wondering if having this scene happen ten years earlier would have had them as lovers. Feeling of Freedom Alexandra3 TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Relaxation is not what Kreia has in mind The piece is basically generic because you anticipate the actions of all of the characters. Every one is doing what you would anticipate that they would do. Not bad work, but it needs some punching up. Back in 2006 I published a novel entitled Wanderer: Gryphonrider II. In one scene while trapped in a torture chamber the main character her training as a child when her martial arts instructor got her drunk primarily to teach her how to still fight effectively while in that state. That is what I think the Jedi should have made part of their curriculum when teaching the young students. It is harder to resist love, anger, etc, if you don't recognize the symptoms, understand the cause, and know the counter balance. Awkward Contradictions CortessaBlatt TSL After Malachor V: The author said it best, coming home only to say goodbye I agree both beginning and ending were weak, but the piece sits there like a Steuben glass, and dares you to edit. Pick of the Week Pink Banthas Listed as by CrazyOcelot here, and has attribution to Lady Revan as Co-author. Originally reviewed 2 March 2006 over at kotorfanmedia. The review is below: During KOTOR: HK has a slight problem... First: A very important safety point when you decide to read this. Under no circumstances drink anything while you do! I knew when I saw the authors who wrote this that it would be a good piece. Neither of them has disappointed me so far. What I did not expect was blowing coffee all over my monitor and keyboard because I took a sip! It was right after HK makes a comment about Revan sleeping... But I am not going to ruin your fun. This work got 55 thumbs up and had 44 people willing to comment. I can’t praise it enough. Reprise Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 11, 2011 Author Share Posted June 11, 2011 For those interested in your critic's tattered little life; This last Tuesday my computer went belly up with a vengeance. The automatic system checker says a third of my hard drive no longer exists, and almost every document I had is now in that wasteland. I do not know what it will cost to get it back, and even if I did, my finances will not stretch to cover it. Enough survives that I am still in the game however. Coruscant Entertainment Center A Name Never Known Kyvios No specific era given: An unknown protagonist records his own final moments The piece doesn't give you a lot to work with. The pacing is perfect for a diary scene, and as such doesn't need characterization and descriptions. But it could have done with some expansion. Reviewed lat... Sorry about that, kid. Antihero Ryan PM TSL on Dantooine: The team gets ready to go to the Jedi Enclave. The piece flowed, but not as well as it could have. It felt a bit ragged. What I would suggest is what the others that post here would call my favorite mantra: Sight Edit, reread, rewrite, repeat until smooth. Anchorhead Drive Blix No specific setting beyond Tatooine: A man with no memory heads for Anchorhead. The piece was enough to set up the story, but little else. The reasoning behind the injury was well done, and the setting well portrayed. Red Riding Hood KOTOR Revan Sama KOTOR, no specific scene mentioned: Another of Revan Sama's quirky fairy tales. Remember to sight edit your work. You used mach instead of match for example. Also a league is only a mile and a half. I do fifteen miles a day five days a week, and am as old as most of the grandparents of old fairy tales. Other than that the story is a riot with characters stepping 'out' of character like Bastila, Mission and the author arguing about the wardrobe, and then making double entendres from everything HK47 says. Pick of the Week Fanfiction.net Knights of the Old Republic: Jedi Masters Bradw316 Post TSL: Help will come from an unsuspected source You shifted from past to present tense a couple of times. You also have one problem I share; you were letting the story flow faster than your hands could type it, not finishing sentences. Remember to sight edit your work, you used an incorrect word here and there. While you say the Exile got the answer to the Navigation riddle, I didn't see it. The piece has a good feel to it, and most of the problem with flow happened because of the problems mentioned above. Extensive Medical Training CortessaBlatt TSL on Onderon: Mical must diagnose and treat a very delicate condition... The piece in up to CB's usual standards, and was a fun read. I for one don't like Mical (Sorry, CB) primarily because he would have made me want to hit him when I was younger. The circumlocutions you used to get the problem across were so much fun I spent half an hour considering them fully. Well done Pick of the Week The Return Lady Revan Five years post TSL: Revan finally returns to Telos The piece flowed well, though it could do with polishing. It was far too short to be anything but an introduction or epilogue, but what was there was well wrought. Pick of the Week Lies http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2773850/1/Knights_of_the_Old_Republic_II_Miras_vision Knights of the Old Republic II: Mira's vision Clint Dunshee Post TSL: Mira has a disturbing vision of the future I am sure I have read this before, but can't find the listing in my own copy of my reviews. It was fun to read, though the idea the Force would throw up a vision 4,000 years too early was confusing. It reminds me of a short story someone wrote in creative writing when I was still in high school; a witch warning Columbus that his ship will strike an iceberg and sink, so he changes the name from Titanic to Santa Maria... kotorfanmedia Spontaneous Propogation Greengrass1914 Pre-Mandalorian Wars on Telos: The first meeting between Carth and Morgana The piece is a microcosm of GG's work, and a precious one at that. The idea that the Force might have pushed them together was in there, from finding the one man who got past the test; and every woman I have ever met has them, to the baby linking to her to assure his own survival. Well wrought, and poignant, worth a read. Pick of the Week Trust Me RevanOrdo KOTOR on Taris: A Darkside Revan Betrays the Beks The author asks in the teaser if you have ever played the Dark side from the start. I never have, though I remember the option to betray the Beks rather than assist them. Oddly enough, every time I have played, I have pretended I was the character, and did what I felt would be right. Doing it in that manner, I have always succeeded in the quests without effort. But seeing it from the dark side was fun in a horrible way. Pick of the Week Juhani Joysweeper Pre-Mandalorian Wars on Taris: Juhani's early life and rescue by the Jedi Joysweeper has graced us again and again, and this piece is no exception to the work usually done. It is sad and at times terrifying to witness a child going through these troubles. The only negative I had with it was; why didn't she recognize Revan during the game? Pick of the Week To Say Goodbye The Disciple Pre KOTOR on Dantooine: A pair of unlikely lovers say goodbye The piece sneaks up on you. As one reviewer commented, your mind flashes through which pair of lovers they are, and the end drops a load of unsuspected emotions on you. Worth reading just for the ending. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 19, 2011 Author Share Posted June 19, 2011 kotorfanmedia Ashes of Eres III Kahran Mandalorian Wars: How Malak lost his jaw. The piece flows well, the reasoning excellent and Malak's blind fury leading to his injury. I especially liked how Mandalore merely took the jaw, showing his contempt for the warrior he faced. Mandalorians Don't Cry Arkatrine the Unpure Originally reviewed 13 June 2007, that review is below: On Tatooine after the confrontation with Jagi: A brief bit of comfort. The style is good. In fact the only negative I have to say is it’s too short! Today's Notes: The piece is short and poignant with Canderous breaking down in the aftermath of Jagi's suicide. I for one only went through the side quest once, and didn't like the idea that you had only two options, kill Jagi or allow his suicide. This is a gentle look at the aftermath. Reprise Pick of the Week Who Knew Morokea Spanning Revan’s life: Revan has memories of the man she once knew, and had to kill. It’s knelt not kneeled. The piece is poignant in that you can see the memories of the woman from when they first met, until she sat beside his tombstone. You can feel all the emotions evoked by her simple prose, interwoven with the song. Reprise Pick of the Week Not a Kid Any More Xenzen KOTOR on Korriban: Mission undertakes a mission without bothering to get permission, and learns about others watching over her. The piece is good, Mission moving from being a child to an adult, all because the mission she has undertaken can't be done by anyone else. Her attitude came across clear and her looking back and thinking that she did not have (mark the equipment) back in the under city. Her internal dialogue lambasting Carth and Zaalbar was just too cute. Pick of the Week A Night in the Archives Plutospawn No specific time given: Mission and Mical blow up the archives.. Which one is not mentioned. The piece was fun because you have two people as different as possible. Mission laying her powder train, Mical whining internally at the waste all to destroy one book. A lot of fun from both perspectives. Pick of the Week I Always Meant to Tell You JediMaster09 KOTOR aboard Leviathan: An unsuspected denouement The piece covers the fight on the bridge of Leviathan, but the biggest surprise is the last line. Well worth the read. Pick of the Week Fanfiction.net Knights of the Old Republic II The Sith Lords Bradw316 TSL on Peragus: A Generic retelling of the start of the game. The piece is a well done albeit generic retelling of the incident on Peragus station. On the Battlefront ShotgunChief Clone Wars at Geonosis: The first battle for a trio of clones The battle scenes are just as hectic as they are in real life. The nonsequitors were a bit much. You ignored the point that while obedient to orders, the clones have to be capable of independent thought, otherwise they would not be efficient soldiers. Rand Atton Rand Robert 'Fox' Kitsune TSL on Dxun: Atton is catapulted to leadership The piece is confusing because there is not provenance for why the Exile is going dark. Atton, the one you would expect to go dark with her is opposing her actions, and gets left behind. Burning Skies Eaving1989 KOTOR on Tatooine: A peaceful interlude The piece is fun because due to the heat, they have nothing to do, so everyone settles into their own proclivities; Mission Juhani and Revan playing with the Gizka, Bastila meditating, etc. Then the innuendos that Revan had kissed Canderous, and the next kiss while overlooking the dune sea. The last three paragraphs made the story. Pick of the Week Tika Dane: Cleanup Myst Dragon Post KOTOR: The crew of the Ebon Hawk tries to find a middle ground to enjoy life The piece has a fine 'relax after hell' feel to it; the crew trying to relax and go on with their lives, their leader trying to connect not to who she had been, but who she is now. The brief attempts of Carth and Revan getting together are amusing because every attempt fails miserably. Perchance to Dream Ilea Drake TSL on Dxun: The Exile has a flash of Jedi future sense, and witnesses Atton's Death It wasn't until half way through the story that you find out that the poignant death scene was a Force vision. Her emotions run rampant and as you would expect she is now worried about him. Cigarra Smoke and Pazaak Cheats CortessaBlatt TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: A quiet night aboard the ship... Not! The piece runs rampant with Pazaak, mayhem and fun tickling each other. Very amusing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 26, 2011 Author Share Posted June 26, 2011 Fanfiction.net The Force Acts in Strange Ways DonutMaster TSL prior to Peragus: T3 has things he has to do, and dealing with a snippy Medical Panel is just the first. The piece, specifically the interaction between the droid and the diagnostic / treatment unit is fun. Having the equivalent of a hissy fir between the two is so much fun. Sacrificial Lamb ElenaTheHun Pre KOTOR: The training of Bastila and beginning of KOTOR through Vrook's eyes I agree that Vrook is the most maligned of the masters you see in the first game. His arrogance and abrasive attitude makes him the good guy you love to hate. Yet here we see a softer side, one that doesn't want to waste Bastila on such a forlorn hope, that regrets her 'death' at Taris. Like my own Vrook who had been Revan's master previously, he honestly cares about his students. Pick of the Week Knights of the Old Republic Chris Ganale KOTOR above Taris: Another retelling of the beginning of KOTOR CG did a good job of retelling the intro to the first game; better if you ask, than the original. The battle scenes are clearly cut, the action more distinct. The main character comes across as a hard-bitten soldier who as the old saying goes, 'been there, got that, bought the T-shirt and burned it' as a back story. Well worth the read. Pick of the Week The Prodigal Child Furitaurus Revan's Acceptance: A preview, as it were The piece covers the preview of the Mandalorian wars, and from there... The piece covers part of the game uncovered; What might have driven Revan to become Darth Revan. The piece is perfect in that we see the machinations of the underlying story being laid. Angel Ilea Drake TSL ending: As he dies, Atton reflects on the two women in his life I agree it's a little choppy, but the work is well done, and only needs polishing. Remember that on your next one (Force Edit) Wishes Granted The Lone Gunchick KOTOR on the computer: A trio of seventeen year olds playing KOTOR make wishes that are granted. A cutsey bit of fluff, the thing is I wanted the story to continue. kotorfanmedia Drugs, Guns, Gangs and Money JackBeNimble1105 KOTOR on Taris: Before he begins his adventure with Revan, Canderous reminisces. The piece is a perfect little vignette in a gang member's life. The scenes are well done, the two Exchange people well portrayed. Pick of the Week Apathy is Death Joysweeper Pre Mandalorian Wars: The discussion before Revan starts her own recruiting. The presentation was excellent and only someone unwilling to think would disagree. Since I had considered the Council blind to reality I would expected no less. An Aura of Destiny Elena During the NJO: Even when you're dead, sometimes you get uninvited guests The piece was amusing, Jolee, just as acerbic as he was in the game, but this time using that tactic on poor Anakin Solo (If you are not familiar with the New Jedi Order, Anakin was the third child of Leia and Han Solo. He died destroying a new bio-engineered weapon the Yuuzun Vong created) who had been trained by the team of partial Jedi created in the aftermath of the Empire. Jolee's comment that even Luke Skywalker was a half trained Jedi reject was nascent and to the point, after all by the time Luke was declared a Jedi by Yoda, there were no Jedi left to teach him. When Anakin wants to contact his family to warn them of course Jolee is unwilling to help him. After all, what fun would it be if Jolee had just said 'try this'? Pick of the Week Sith Disguises 101 Charamel During Mandalorian Wars: They need a quick disguise, and you won't believe what they come up with... I was able to hold the laughter until the end, but it came out when the story was done. The acrimony between Revan and Malak in their cell was choice. Both of them losing more temper as time went on also fit. Revan's complaint about the disguise was funny: "I don't believe this," Revan said, for the eighteenth time. "I simply don't believe this." "You're just jealous because I make a better woman than you." "You're two metres tall! You're solid muscle, you've got the most masculine chest I've ever seen in my life --" "I think the yellow suits me," Malak said, as he tugged at his skirts. "It doesn't go with your wig. Which is crooked, by the way. How are you planning to hide your jaw?" "Ah, well, they won't notice my stubble, because -- oh. I see what you mean." "Stubble." Revan groaned and slid into a corner. "This is one of those... pheerie tales, isn't it." "It always worked for the heroes in those." "They didn't have prosthetic jaws! I can still see your tattoo, too. Can't you get a better wig?" "I was lucky to find one at all. Do you think they'll notice if I've still got my boots on?" "I take it back," Revan whimpered. "All of it. Never, ever suggest a plan that isn't 'hit everything in sight' again. Ever." A riot start to finish. Pick of the Week Two Jedi Light Speed Tangents Pre Mandalorian Wars: Jolee has a chance to pay back when Arren Kae delivers Briana. The story is wonderful. The interplay between Kae and her supporters, giving both Sunry and his wife, and Jolee in the best supporting role I have seen yet. Pick of the Week Salve Plutospawn TSL on Citadel station: Two friends share a moment of joining, but it doesn't really help... The piece is excellent as all of PS's work had been. The idea of 'friend sex' because both miss the one that is important is done then discarded as not good enough. I just wish it had gone further, to see the Exile confronting Bastila. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 3, 2011 Author Share Posted July 3, 2011 Sorry about the late posting; first my computer refused to bring up this page, then the time on my Wi Fi password ran out. kotorfanmedia A Room With a View of Coruscant Midnight Hawk Post TSL AU: Mical takes a woman you wouldn't anticipate to meet his parents, also not what you would expect... The piece is off the wall, and funny. Having Mical navigate (Correctly after turning the map right side up), Bastila obsessing on being dressed in a Gizka costume as a sport's mascot, Kreia pouring tea with the Force and Vrook fighting to the death because he thinks Bastila was sent to assassinate him is just the cake. The fun just begins there. Pragmatism Elena Post KOTOR: An unlikely pair team up The piece was fun and enjoyable. Watching of all people Dustil instructing Bastila in how to hide and survive, Bastila getting used to carrying a blaster and shivs instead of a lightsaber, their talents complimenting each other. Definitely a fun read. Only in Pazaak Revan's Pet Duck KOTOR on Kashyyk: Some alone time for Mission and T3 The plaint of Mission, that she doesn't get any respect because of her age is one everyone has when they're young, and her leaning on the one thing she does very well, playing Pazaak is the way she shows it. Next Year Paranoid Gerbil Post KOTOR: The yearly reunion gets smaller and smaller The idea that the crew would wander into a bar on Coruscant to find some peace was good. The idea that it eventually became a yearly ritual even better. But now it is down to only two, and two of the most unlikely at that. I May Be Old... Delasaer Chval KOTOR on Manaan: The two oldest members of the crew share some time and a meal. The fun of this was you think of them both as old men, and they seem to have a lot in common. Pick of the Week The Ability to Change Noneko KOTOR on Manaan: Perhaps people can change We have Mission at her best here; Trying to wheedle why Canderous is suddenly so thoughtful after the Jagi side quest, and trying to convince Juhani to give the Mandalorian another chance. She comes across like a young woman trying to knit up the family without actually letting everyone else know what she is doing. Fanfiction.net To Be Hanged Amme Moto KOTOR enroute to Manaan: After the revelations aboard Leviathan, Carth has to decide if he trusts Revan The piece is angst filled, and the dream sequence frightening. His bland statement at the end belies the vision. Redemption PerchingKite13 Pre KOTOR: Revan has to assist in her redemption The piece is a confusing leap of memory from one to another, being connected to every person in the room as Revan's dark side tries to fight back. Yet it is cohesive and thought provoking. Pick of the Week Heaven Riosuka Post TSL: In the unknown region, the Exile finally finds the end to her quest The only problem with the piece except some grammar mistakes, is that it reached the end point too quickly. It went from 'in search of' and memory to arriving without a pause. Undivided Attention ElenaTheHun TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Bao Dur has to jolly the Exile out of her mood, but that comes with it's own price The piece is short but the characters portrayed are true to form. The aside that Iridonians have their genitals 'somewhere else' was fun, especially her attempts to find them after her groin attack did no damage. The ending was just too choice. Pick of the Week Mysteries of the Sith SilverPhantom KOTOR enroute to Kashyyk after Leviathan: The crew deals with the revelation and Revan's response to it. The piece is dry but has it's moments. As always Carth is the sticking point in the acceptance of Revan, but not for long. The author tossed in a change from the game; having Revan contact the Jedi council and having the ship ordered to Onderon instead. Tales of KOTOR How the Mighty have Fallen Dante Revan Pre KOTOR: The soon to be Exile faces her brother, the dark lord Revan The angst of the piece is thick on the ground, the descriptions of the carnage caused drives home the thought that it had been unnecessary. The fight is short and to the point, but the aftermath is foreshortened. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 Fanfiction.net Revan's Last Enemy Kaloten Post KOTOR: The team returns to Taris The piece has a problem with flow, Scenes that need to be embellished were left lying. Primarily it is an editing problem. Pink Elephants Phoenixasending TSL, no specific time frame: Beware Jedi having visions, oh, and pink elephants The piece begins with a disclaimer that it should not be taken seriously, not that it was needed. Every time someone mentions a Jedi power all of the others chorus TM (Trademark) and having the Exile die because an elephant steps on her just put a period on the sentence. The 2nd Sith War an invisible war part 1 Khawk Post TSL: A spy trained by Revan works to discover the Sith's future plans It is a good thing you mentioned English is not your first language, because I would have really torn into you otherwise. There are things wrong with the work but it is not that bad: First, remember to reread, edit, and rewrite your work to smooth it out. Second remember conversation breaks. Third, describe new things. You created an animal called a night hunter, and beyond knowing it likes sneak attacks we know nothing about it. Also, there is more to stories than just one battle after another. Your work goes 'fight here, then fight here', and little else happens. Coruscant Furitaurus Pre Mandalorian Wars: The youngling named Revan arrives for training The piece flows relatively well, the discourse on Twi-Lek skin color was nicely inserted, as was the information about Quarta (Who was only an ancillary character beyond her sex). The author also gave us a birth world for Revan, which we did not have previously. Shadow Catching VaguelyFamiliar Post Mandalorian Wars: Kavar has his own goodbye with the Exile The piece is well wrought, the background well portrayed, and her injuries from the fight still marking her. Her wistful wondering about the war and what might have been if Kavar had led instead. Pick of the Week Imitate Nitesh TSL, no place given: Bao-Dur assists the Exile in constructing her new lightsaber The piece flows well, Bao-Dur being his usual helpful self, Atton his obstinate self, and the Exile working to replace part of her past she had given up on. Well worth the read. kotorfanmedia Caught Jiara Pre KOTOR: Juhani has problems with her friends and lovers. Jiara always turns out class work and this piece is no exception. The characters are well portrayed, the subject matter and denouement outstanding. Pick of the Week A REAL verbal fight for Revan and Carth Jedi Master Ariana KOTOR enroute to Manaan: A real screaming scene between Carth and Revan The piece is well done though a comment by a reviewer regarding all caps and exclamation points was well given. In one of Terry Prachett's books he made a comment that more than three exclamation points is a sign of a sick mind. A New Hope Reborn Phalon23 Pre KOTOR: The making of the main character The piece begins with the capture, and goes from there. A good look at the situation Turning the Tide Wick3dWitch27 Pre KOTOR: A different beginning for the story It should be assortment rather than engrossment. Works well but needs polishing. The piece was fun to read, the situation funny at the start. Trying to paint a room with a grenade was a unique twist. Butterflies Jedi Serenity KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: A discussion of love A basic Generic discussion of love with two of the best characters for it. The Trouble With Gizka Codename SailorV KOTOR enroute to Korriban: Jolee and Bastila discuss the 'Gizka' The piece is interesting more from how they are saying things than what they are saying. Jolee comes across as he always does, and Bastila clings to their subtrefuge so she can explain her own real worries. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 15, 2011 Author Share Posted July 15, 2011 Remember a month ago when the system dumped my hard drive and almost all of my documents went bye bye? Wellit happened with the copies of my critic's colums. I am going to have to take a week off and reconstruct at least the reviews to begin again. Sorry about that... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 25, 2011 Author Share Posted July 25, 2011 kotorfanmedia He's Come Back Chitari Post KOTOR: In an odd twist it is Revan that has to wait for her love's return. The piece flows very well, a little slice of life with a mother handling her sick daughter on just another day; until Carth shows up. It looks to be an interesting tale from here on. KOTOR Version 2-Revan's Soldiers, Sith Triumvirate-Chapter 1-New Names Hitokiri Akins Post Mandalorian Wars: Revan chooses the first Sith Triumvirate The piece has an air of foreboding that is well done. The idea that he has not yet slipped to the dark side is suggested over and over, and being the only one who realizes the threat of the Ancient Sith helps push the story along. It looks good so far, and I wish I had time to read all of it. Pick of the Week Price of Power RevanOrdo KOTOR on Korriban: The relationship between Yuthura Ban and Uthar seen from their own views. The piece flows very well, the internal dialogues well done. You can see the Sith master/apprentice relationship clearly. Pick of the Week Maps and Directions [/steak, Eggs and Honor] Prisoner24601 KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk enroute to Dantooine The piece starts off with what must have been Bastila's worst day since the adventure began. It immediately goes down hill from there as she tries to coerce Canderous, upset that he thinks she's drooling over his physique, and her mental comment that the only thing o Revan's mind right now is what color to paint her toenails. It is riotous and funny. Pick of the Week Armour is a Mandalorian's Best Friend Bald As Malak Set in both KOTOR and TSL: Canderous has two private duels, and while he loses one 'engagement', he wins the other. Using personal relationships described as military ones is an old thing, but this is well done. Describing his hands as light infantry assaulting the hills, his field artillery, the body from hills to a bunker, all fit and are amusing. Pick of the Week The Annual Ebon Hawk Pazaak Tournament Belladonna Aboard Ebon Hawk, combined crew: Having found a file by the same name, the Exile and Mission decide to rewrite some of the rules The piece is funny with the old rule being mentioned, and sometimes being rewritten as they go through. Some of them are logical; not allowing droids to play if their master is also playing, not allowing Jedi because they are too stuffy. Some are merely joking, Wookies are not allowed to play because they will rip people's arms off was rewritten that no one was allowed to pull off any appendages. The fourth rule, stating that pilots must use Nar Shaddaa rules (Strip Pazaak) was almost the Exile's downfall until rule one (No Jedi) was invoked. Fanfiction.net Star Wars Battlefront ZombieSquirrel SWTCW: The battle Geonosis revisited The biggest problem was you needed to reread and edit, and check grammar. Words such as there will pass an automatic spell check but when you meant their (Their force attacks) and where (When you meant were) disrupt the flow and cause the reader, want to reach for a pencil, even if they are not critics. Basically a generic retelling of the battle at the start, though from the point of view of Mace Windu and Yoda. Over Pazaak Cable Fraga TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: A game does not really mirror life, regardless of what Atton thinks... The piece flows very well, and the idea that maybe both he and the Exile want a relationship does not preclude the idea that each also has their own definition of it. Doubt Bald as Malak Pre TSL: A last meeting between the Exile and one of the Jedi Council. The piece flows very well; the break in the force very well defined. Worth the read. Pick of the Week Ghosts of the Past Prometheus71 Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: The events as the Generator are activated. The piece is a generic retelling with the generator on the planet rather than in a ship which is the way I had done it. The description of it's effect was well done. Falsities ElenaTheHun Plot Bunnies: Different pairings of our old favorites As she herself said, these do not fit the canon, yet are cute ideas. Juhani as a Mercenary, Mira as both Canderous' daughter and the new Mandalore, Atris as one of the soldiers during the war. IsolationCortessaBlatt TSL After Nar Shaddaa: A view of a slave's life with a unique character Having read other work of CBs I had always wondered who Sloe was. This piece is a good explanation, and the backstory fills in the character nicely. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 31, 2011 Author Share Posted July 31, 2011 Fanfiction.net Over Pazaak Noneko Pre KOTOR and KOTOR of Korriban: A look into the lives of two of the extra characters The piece is very well done, the vignettes; on of Trask, the other of Thalia May give us insights into their lives not expressed in the game. The idea that Thalia had escaped from Taris made it even more interesting. Pick of the Week http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2802270/1/Tales_of_KOTOR_Completing_the_Circle Tales of KOTOR Completing the Circle Dante-Revan TSL on Dantooine: The Exile goes to face the Jedi Council for the last time The piece flowed well, and the scenes, albeit generic were fun. Having both the Exile and Kreia take Brianna over was a bit much, but workable The Jedi Code Furitaurus One shot sequel to Coruscant: The young Revan is taught the meaning of the Jedi code The piece goes through the one point that every Jedi faces, understanding the Force, and the code the Jedi live by. The author echoed the same plaint I did, perhaps the Jedi should have done a full blown sex education program where the young Jedi learn how to love without being possessive, and learn to curb their emotions rather than ignoring them. As the young apprentice is thinking, you can't wish for full knowledge without being passionate about it. A Constant Battle Sith Lord Darth Revan Sequel to Casualty of War: The new Jedi Council turns to their new problem; Revan. The piece has an interesting flow; having people we were not sure was alive still dealing with the problem helps to create a flow. The idea that Revan might still fall to the dark adds a deeper problem there. Never Let Go Rusher01 TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile deals with Brianna's pain at being separated from her sisters The piece fell into a fight beyond any I would have imagined. The brutality shocked me, listing a string of wounds worthy of a deathmatch. Oh, one thing, barley is a grain not a sequence as in barely. Escape Alexandra3 TSL aboard GOTO's yacht: It is your decision what you use... The piece is excellent in that Alexandra3 had her Exile heal her rescuers, and continue the fight. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Exhibitionist Tarawen Post KOTOR: I know the feeling... The piece snuck up on me, but I understood the feeling in the queue. Having live with roommates I understand the irritation of a bathroom hog; that's one reason I love living alone now. Pick of the Week [url=http://www.kotorfanmedia.net/node/4432 Invisibles[/url'> Rex Pre Mandalorian Wars: Their relationship was never meant to be... An interesting pairing; having Bastila and Malak have a relationship was an interesting twist. The piece was fun; two young people dancing around the idea that they are acting like any two young ones, even to Malak's denial of his love before his departure. The Birth of Revolution Aderyn Pre KOTOR: Revan gathers her forces. The piece flows well, and the situation was also well done. The idea that Revan would have to warn her followers of her decision is excellent, and the one unnamed soldier is probably Atton. Cries of the suffering Revansdow Pre KOTOR: Bastila facing Revan, and failing The piece flows well, and Revan is superlative in explaining his view. But then again, Lenin was just as dark in his own way, and just as good at explaining his motivation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 7, 2011 Author Share Posted August 7, 2011 kotorfanmedia Make No Assumptions Joysweeper Mandalorian Wars: Revan blows up at Malak The piece was welll done, albeit a bit confusing. Revan is portrayed as having been crippled (Missing part of an arm and one foot) and definitely sarcastic. How Malak Lost His Jaw Bald as Malak Mandalorian Wars: Malak relates why he cut off his own jaw Another reviewer made the one comment I would have made; that this reads like a history lesson. I agree with that reviewer that the ending, while necessary, was emotionless, giving us nothing of his feelings. The Heart Never Forgets Alawerence79287 Post KOTOR: Bastila says goodbye to Revan one last time The piece flows very well, the vision as crisp and clean as the other scenes. The end is typical 'soon to be a legend' you see in all heroic fiction. Pick of the Week Two Minds Inicol1990 Post KOTOR: As Revan and Terra fight over the body they inhabit, Terra makes one last request The piece flowed well, and the ending, while expected, was perfect. Pick of the Week Ajunta Pall-I Tirwaz Before Ajunta Pall's Defection: The source of his fall was right inside the archives all along The piece is written diary style, and is thought provoking in that the Sith records he researches are in the archives all along. It reminds me of scenes from the book The Keep by F. Paul Wilson where the main character explains that the reason you keep grimoires of Black magic is because that way you have a refernce point as to when the magic goes dark. Pick of the Week Timmy Kitome Post KOTOR: You have to prune the Jedi somehow... The piece has this 'we're going to clean house' feel to it, and HK47 made it sure it would be bloody and efficient. As others have pointed out, Lassilia and 'Timmy' being down the well fits for those of us that are older. Fanfiction.net Descent Cadillac Cowboy At Malchor V: Regardless of cost the Mass Shadow Generator is to be activated The piece reminds me of history: In case you have not read my own “Return From Exile over at Lucasforums, it is an interesting fact that as the components for the first Uranium bomb were being flown to Tinian for the Hiroshima bomb, the first ever plutonium bomb was set to explode in New Mexico. Before that bomb was set off, and fully a week before the first operational bomb was dropped, a number of the scientists that had developed them delivered to Robert Oppenheimer their worst prediction; that setting off either bomb would set off a reaction in the atmosphere that would devastate half the planet. As we all know, the first 'Trinity' bomb was set off, followed by Hiroshima and Nagasaki, and fifty odd set off by both sides during the next two decades. But picture that officer, told of the possible destruction of the entire planet as he says, 'Go for launch...' Shoes DWH KOTOR: The crew comments on footwear... The piece covers every major character, yet leans toward 'I like it this way' on each set of shoes. The Blue Side of the Farce DWH Tsl on Peragus: You have got to be kidding me! The piece revolves around of all things, an introductory song. After reading and parsing it my question is why lead off with a song? Bastila BubblyOfArt During Mandalorian Wars: Bastila's first mission forms the woman she will become The piece has all of the odd views of Bastila; moping like the lovelorn teenager she is, violent when they try to rape her, aghast that perhaps Revan did not love her, and determined to succeed. Lego Star Wars Episode 1 Going to the Moives ZombieSquirrel No era given, so no one can be blamed: The Lego Star Wars Characters go to the premier of the first movie. I was amused through what I did read. The characters are too busy being juvenile to get anything done, and throwing poop at Yoda and Anakin on the screen while they're dancing fit well with what you expected. I had to quit reading when the projectionist (Jar-Jar) decided to settle the audience down with cannon fire. Feeling the Force Furitaurus Long before KOTOR: In retrospect, Revan explains how the Force works to a small degree, and tells of his first conscious use of the Force The piece flowed well, and the explanations of how two Force abilities work very well conceived. He also suggests that there are bad midi-chlorians and good ones; explaining why Force powers of the different sides are hard to use. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 14, 2011 Author Share Posted August 14, 2011 Had a little problem earlier; every time Itried to open the column, I got a database error. Sorry about the delayed posting. The Coruscant Entertainment Center Code geass lost colors: love fever Revan sama NonSW Fiction set in Code Geass: A sick girl is nursed by her love The piece is a bit confusing, but well done regardless. You had an additional unnecessary word when you had him hold her hand more (Not necessary) stronger. Fanfiction.net Extreme Prejudice The Count of Tuscany Republic Commando set when the Jedi Temple was destroyed: The three survivors of Delta Squad take a hand Except for the addition of Delta squad, the piece is a generic retelling of the fight at the temple. Debello Kendoka Girl At the End of the Mandalorian Wars: Revan embraces the dark side even as she slays Manda'lor The piece flows well and only having read two segments I wish I had time to read it all. As both Karen Traviss and I have done, the author embraced the will of the Mando'a and made them something beyond cardboard cut outs of evil. The characterization of the Mando'a is like a newly cut diamond, rare and perfect. Pick of the Week A Call to War Rattlin666666 Pre KOTOR: Just an average day in the life... The piece give us a look at the characters before the war intervenes. Each appears like a newly minted coin. Wants ElenaTheHun Post TSL: What does the Exile want? The piece is a look into the Exile's mind. As she comments, everyone seemed to want something from her, except for Bao-Dur, who had what he wanted already. Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic Revan Jast KOTOR Starting on the Endar Spire: The adventure begins Basically a generic repetition of the story, the author tended to use the wrong word, and forgets conversation breaks. Holy Oceans of Bacon Revan's Split Personality KOTOR aboard the Ebon Hawk: As the last line goes, some things are better left unsaid The piece starts with a whimsical thought and goes rapidly downhill from there. The dream might be defined as a nightmare, though I think being attacked by an ocean of bacon is a bit much... kotorfanmedia The Steel Tomb KaylaRevan KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Revan and Bastila end their fight The piece is short, too short to get a good feel for the author's style. The scene is well done, with a good view into the mind of both characters. The Liar Zulu86 Pre KOTOR: Saul Karath prepares his betrayal of Telos The piece is a well done in depth look at a secondary character. Saul comes across a little uneasy about what he is doing. As the author points out, in naval combat you are not killing people, you're killing a ship, and that makes it feel cleaner somehow. Unlike his subordinates, this disturbs him, and this comes across very clearly. Another interesting aside was the idea that Carth was not living with his wife any longer. Pick of the Week Denial Midnight Hawk During KOTOR, no specific location given: A thread of denial The piece covers the characters well, and give an instance where they admitted denying something. The sections give in depth looks into them, making them come to life albeit briefly. Death and Denial Lnicol1990 Pre KOTOR on Korriban: How Selene died This is not covered often and my favorite part was having her literally kill herself by running right up to the Terrentek. Her last words fit the scene perfectly. A Cathar, A Princess, and Buttercups Yggdrasil Post KOTOR on Coruscant: Juhani decides to make an interesting friend The piece is short, but the idea of a Juhani/Bastila friendship is intriguing. Having Bastila play with the force like a youngling is a funny picture. Death: The Final Frontier Crystal001 KOTOR on the Star Forge: In the final confrontation with Carth, they both lose The piece is sweet and to the point. Revan is dark lord enough to kill her lover, but the part of her who loved him is strong enough to poison that well. Considering what was going through her mind Bastila killing her was almost a mercy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 21, 2011 Author Share Posted August 21, 2011 The Coruscant Entertainment Center Squadron Legacy Sithspector Pre Mandalorian Wars: An element of fighter go on a scouting mission The piece is very well done, the feeling of prepping for a possible fight well portrayed and technically efficient. The Archives Master Finch No specific time given but sometime before TPM: A Jedi team searches for clues The basics of the story are good, and the flow is excellent. The main negatives are listed below: Technical notes: I notice you're English and a teenager, so I will instruct gently. Coming from a society that has tried to do without guns for the last century, you probably don't know the rules of safe public firearm usage. There are many rules, but the only one needed here is this; drawing a gun escalates the conflict to the point that someone will probably die in the next few moments. Let's change the scene: Detective sergeant O'Donnel LAPD is coming to a local bar to talk to one of the employees concerning some crimes. He bypasses the line, and the bouncer draws his pistol, pointing it at the officer. What happens? In America that is called brandishing a firearm and if you have a concealed carry permit it will cause that permit to be revoked, along with the possibility of a couple of years in prison not only for brandishing, but threatening an officer as well. If O'Donnel is a typical fictional cop he'd either beat the bouncer bloody with it, or shoot him himself. Before you ask, the review board would define it as a clean shoot; the dead man had a gun in hand already. Check the Wikkipedia; the Ithorians are almost as pacific as the Camaasi. Having one suspect in a crime I can accept, but attacking someone chasing them in that regard does not fit the racial profile. Welcome to the Forum SW TOR: CONFESSIANS OF A JEDI CONSULAR MsFicWriter Set in SW TOR on Tython: A Jedi Padawan investigates odd attacks The piece has a nice flow to it, the inner asides regarding early training were thoughtful and fun. The only negative I can see is one I would award to Laurell K Hamilton for her first book Guity Pleasures. You have a man with a voodoo charm that needs blood, meaning something (or someone) specific has to die to supply blood for it and you wonder who (Or what) that might be at the same time you are investigating vampires that have suddenly been murdered. (As my daughter would say, 'well duh!'). The first thing your Jedi should have wondered is if this is the first Trandoshan to make this quest. If he is one of many, the new aggressiveness might be in response to those attacks. Later he comments that he will avoid the eggs, which suggests it might not be the case, and only at the end do you come to the deeper mystery. Technical note: To a non-sentient creature, words have no meaning. Take the example of Lassie trying to tell you that Timmy has fallen down a well (I have always wondered, I don't remember an episode of the TV show where that squirt fell down a well) and is trying to get you to follow. What would the Jedi pick up from Lassie's mind? She would feel a sense of danger to another, picture the boy's face, and him falling into a hole, and the boy's cries for help. In this case you would feel the same sense of danger, the picture of the crystals with the feeling that something is wrong with them, and nymphs dying around them. The last would be of Jedi coming before to collect the crystals, and an overwhelming urge for your Jedi to take them now. All in all a good read. Welcome to the Forum. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Promises and Poison Inicol1990 KOTOR in the Taris Undercity: Stricken with Rakghoul poison, Carth flashes back to Telos Like a lot of the author's work, this is thought provoking. Linking a physical poison to a mental one is not a new idea, but is done very well here. Pick of the Week Make No Assumptions - Bickering Like Children Joysweeper Pre Mandalorian wars: The first meeting between the Jedi and the Mandalorian did not go as planned... The piece is fun primarily because of the acrimony. You have two prisoners too busy taking digs at each other for the situation than anything else. But that is only an overlay. The little details make it amusing; the senior POW having the men answer not by name but by planet of birth to confuse the enemy, the comparison to the Republics's neat line up of equipment to the Mandalorian version which looks haphazard. It has the gritty feel of someone being captured and thrust into a camp to rot. Pick of the Week There's a Wampa Ice Monster in my Fridge JediDWH KOTOR aboard the Ebon Hawk: Is it just me or does it feel cold? The title caught my eye, and it was next on my queue, so I opened it. After I finished laughing, I had to agree with other reviewers. It was fun watching everyone gang up on Carth because he was the only one not complaining about the ship's temperature. The characters are perfect; Both Bastila and Leiraya (Revan) threatening to kill him, Mission threatening to steal all of his stuff... Just too cute. Pick of the Week The End of Telos Green Twilek Pre KOTOR: A play in the Greek style setting the prelude of the Jedi Civil War One editing comment, I think you meant Joint Chief of Staff. The piece is hard to follow if you don't know the style. My main problem with it is linking the Jedi to the trade in slaves; their failed students becoming slaves for Telos. Like the society the style comes from, slaves were a serious part of their economy and total manumission without a built in delay would have shattered it, as it did in the South during the War Between the States. Now I get on my soapbox briefly; if the men that signed the Declaration of Independence here had put in a codicil that stated all children born after this date would be free it would have caused problems (Just as my comment will in some minds) but it would have ended slavery in less than seventy years, since a child born the day before it would probably die of old age in that time. You would not have had a devastating war and a century of subrosa oppression as America did. Before your scream, the subrosa I mean is that the Rutherford B Hays became president with only 47 percent of the popular vote because the Democrats had rigged the elections in the south and were caught at it. This was because the 'saber clubs' and 'gun clubs' (Forerunners of the KKK) in the south terrorized the freed blacks into refusing to vote (For all of you Democrats; Historical fact) but three states with 20 electoral votes had been disputed because the Republicans had also been rigging elections((For all you Republicans, see comment above to the Democrats). This lead to the unwritten compromise of 1877 which was where both major political parties agreed not to admit this publicly, and Hayes became president. This left the freed slaves at the mercy of the locals. Snakes and Gizka Belladonna KOTOR on Tatooine: Another of Jolee's incomprehensible stories The piece is well done, the story amusing. I agree with Bald as Malak that the connection between the Gizka and the earlier argument could have been a little clearer. Jolee's Gizka Kiraboros KOTOR on Tatooine: Jolee decides gizka aren't that bad. Like a lot of the Jolee stories, this one has an odd subplot and is amusing. Fanfiction.net The Star Fromage Revan's Split Personality KOTOR aboard the Ebon Hawk: A strange dream leads to an even stranger conversation I loved both the dream and conversation. The surrealistic aspects, renaming the Star Forge the Star Fromage because it sounds more evil, leading to falling to the fondue side of the Force was just a riot. Pick of the Week What I Havent Told You I CortessaBlatt Mandalorian Wars: A deeper look at a secondary character, in this case Bao-Dur and his remote The weariness of a veteran watching the newbies comes through very well. I enjoyed the little byplay between the techs, using an odd series of numbers, and making comments about the breast size of Twi-Leks causing both irritation and laughter. Technical note: The Chiss would not be contacted for 4,000 years Destiny Cable Fraga Pre-TSL: How did Atton end up in the force cage? Remember to do a visual edit. Baited (put bait in a trap) should have been bated(held). The piece is poignant with history we never saw. Atton's 'crime' is perfect for the devil-may-care pilot and the 'old man' being his father was just as interesting. However, I wonder about him not claiming to be a Jedi; I know the security systems used in modern airports and the idea that Peragus would not notice leaving a ship early suggests that maybe his father was named Zez Kai Ell... Pick of the Week Carths Patience Cable Fraga Five years Post TSL: Revan finally returns Remember to do a visual edit. Summing should have been summoning. The piece is poignant in that Revan (Mara) returns finally, and Carth who had recently retired is still there, waiting for her. The scene is slice of life but moving with the unsaid emotions of each of the characters. Well worth the read Pick of the Week I Hope You Dance Simon System Post KOTOR: When Bastila refuses a romantic relationship with Revan, it's Mission to the rescue. The piece is an interesting twist in that a male Revan does not end up with Bastila. His sorrow at the situation is well portrayed, as is Mission's intent to get to the bottom of the problem and fix it somehow. Pick of the Week Destiny Prometheus71 TSL on Malachor V: An interesting pairing The piece is a bit confusing, since it isn't until after Atton's death that you discover who her love is. One of the more interesting Dark Exile stories I have seen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted August 27, 2011 Author Share Posted August 27, 2011 The Coruscant Entertainment Center SW: TOR: Questions and Answers MsFicwriter TOR On Tython Continuation of Confessians of a Jedi Consular: As they rescue the Traandoshan, The Jedi and her master consider what might be causing the problem In the sentence; 'I see. Well, if you're willing to come with us," he told Qyzen Fess, "we'll give you medical care back at', the closing should be 'he told Qyzen Fess,'. There was no logical reason to stick it into the center. I have to thank the author for the kind words at the start and I went back and reread the last half dozen paragraphs. My suggestions were accepted, acted upon and improved what I did read. Not a pick of the week, but getting there. Fanfiction.net Me from Citadel Station CortessaBlatt TSL on Citadel station: The Ithorians deal with a disaster of their own. All of the negatives except for one have been voiced by the author so: I agree you cannot tell if there is more than one sex with the Ithorians, but something like 80% of the animals you see on Earth are the same without very careful looks; when you consider two horses, one a mare, both are usually the same size. Until a small mammal rolls over on it's back you cannot see the sexual dimorphism, I.E nipples on a female, protruding genitalia on the male. In fact additional clues are few and far between. Some mammals it's obvious; only male lions have a mane for instance just as only a male deer grows antlers. Such obvious sexual dimorphism is rare in mammals, though quite common among insects and birds. When you have human children before puberty, the usual way to tell the difference is gender specific clothing and gender specific toys and hair lengths. Sometimes you can differentiate by attitudes, boys being more aggressive, girls more prone to cry, that kind of thing. Yet you get the sensitive boy and the 'tomboy' girls. It isn't until after puberty when a boy's voice deepens and a girl grows curves that it is visibly obvious. I would have suggested something like the 'transfer neuter' concept used by John Ringo for the Indowy and the hermaphroditic genitalia of the Posleen in his Aldendata series. Revan's Path Irish08Slasher Post KOTOR: The hidden Sith plot to kill both Bastila and Revan The piece is a bit confusing in that your Sith have taken a more nihilistic turn than normal. The characters need more fleshing out. Realpolitik ElenaTheHun TSL on Onderon: An interesting look at the relationship between Kavar and Talia The author creates a relationship of support only for their own ends. Neither character has any redeeming values. Salvation Verbal76 Post ROTS: A slave remembers his past The piece is confusing since the alien described was bred and trained to hunt and kill Jedi, yet few would have remained at this time. Also using such an assassin as a mere training item also does not make sense; sort of like using a tank as your town car for shopping. One Chance for Life Rattlin666666 KOTOR on Endar Spire: With the addition of another character, the story begins Remember conversation breaks. The addition of the second character, especially with the irreverent attitude of Coran makes this part interesting. Technical notes: First there is a reason the shaking wakes Revan in the game; picture sleeping in your bed when suddenly the entire building shakes. You wake up because houses are not supposed to shake, so it is abnormal. In a space ship with any form of gravity control, having the ship shake would be just as alarming, because your gravity controls remove such things except when it is overloaded momentarily as when the ship is hit by weapon's fire. Unless the Endar Spire was in orbit, there is not way the Sith could have boarded quietly, but even then there would have been alarms, and from personal experience the battle stations alarm would jerk even the soundest sleeper from their beds. Second, try to avoid game related tags (Cryo grenade for instance) because it distracts from the story flow. The problem I have with the game, both video and RPG is that those who wrote them were raised on games such as D&D and are merely trying to create a technical equivalent of the spells of those game. So you have staged grenades still the same size, or mines, also staged, and grenades with specialty attacks. I argued with one person who using the game has a Star Destroyer practically indestructible because of it's armor and explained how a fighter can damage it by making a fighter cannon more powerful than a tank gun. Mending Mistakes Ilea Drake Pre TSL after the Exile's trial: Kavar and Corsela say good bye The story is good, but I had a problem with the description of the void and what could happen. It would make sense that it would hurt others if she had access to the Force, but why would be a danger only then? Considering that the force is supposed to be all pervasive, this is like leaving a full can of herbicide standing open on the lawn because it won't kill the gras until you pick it up. It would be more logical to kill her rather than take the chance that she infect everyone who is remotely force sensitive. It would have been equally logical to keep her in custody, explain what is happening and enlist her aid; after all she was willing to go back to war if it meant stopping Revan's rampage. The Council's decision was a larger mistake than she had made. kotorfanmedia Gizka Chaos Crystal001 KOTOR, no specific planet given: The Ebon crew is harassed by... a Gizka? Placing it time wise was difficult because of things out of sequence; Saul being alive, but Sarin (Revan) already knowing the secret of her identity. I especially enjoyed the idea that Sasha appears to be an accepted member of the team, as she was in my own novel length work. The piece is a Bugs Bunny cartoon with the Gizka playing Bugs, and each of the crew playing any of that rascal's victims, though taking pictures of Mission in shower is a more adult scene. The end is fun, and everything between first seeing it and that end just too funny for words. Pick of the Week Storm Sword Monarch Rat Just before KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: One of Bastila's Jedi spends time with the crew The piece is an interesting slice of life for the typical crew on what will soon be an atypical day. The main character has a great deal of background, but some things (Being a good warrior at age 2) is confusing unless he is not human, which is never quantified. Escapees JoySweeper It was interesting making the Jedi Temple on Alderaan almost a knock-off of a Parochial school. Having the kids willing to brave the darkness only with a buddy was cute. Showing different Force abilities and how they could go wrong (The boy's rock, the door satisfied that it is doing it's job and finding the door code by feeling where others had punched numbers) along with the childish dialogue was very fun. It is a pity the author didn't expand of the festival. Pick of the Week Heroes of the Republic: The Post-event Interview Jae Onasi Originally reviewed 17 February 2007 at Coruscant Entertainment Center. That review below: I just hate post game interviews. They’re almost as bad as the talking heads who have to explain what the president said. But the piece is funny, and the style typical TV commentator. Reprise Pick of the Week New Rays of Life Kiraboros Originally reviewed 17 February 2007 at Coruscant Entertainment Center where the author posts as JediMaster12. That review below: Set After KOTOR: Carth comes home in an emergency to find something unexpected. What can I say, JM12’s work is always nice to see, and fun to read. Well done. Reprise Pick of the Week Once the Seed is Planted Riajaynis Beginning 16 years before KOTOR: The seed of Evil is planted long ago. Can Revan assure it does not grow? The piece uses one of the secondary characters from Korriban, a character I merely consigned to failure in my own work. Having them work together in the final confrontation is what the game suggested, but the backstory removes Mekel from the mere 'Sith tough' category and into the 'I can be redeemed ' one. A very well done work. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 4, 2011 Author Share Posted September 4, 2011 The Coruscant Entertainment Center SW: TOR: A Matter of Motivation MsFicwriter TOR Ongoing: The Padawan doesn't get any rest, now there is a duel to fight The piece is coming together very well. You did forget one option as to why Tamara wants to fight now; she was obviously at the temple relaxing in comparison to the main characters day so far. Perhaps she feels that it will blunt the main character's edge and make her easier to defeat. Good work; keep it up kotorfanmedia Yuthura's Awakening Bald As Malak One year after KOTOR on Korriban: Yuthura finally decides to continue her original quest The writing is pure BAM and worth every moment of the read. Her internal dialogue is well done, looking at her situation and the extent of what she wishes to accomplish daunting. But She intends to at least try. Pick of the Week The Unskippable Prologue Riajaynis KOTOR Prologue: What might the character be thinking? The piece made no attempt to sneak up on humor, instead it leaped right in to the deep end of the pool and dragged you with it. When Carth calls (The one after Trask had died) Trask was still there, and the next part ensues: 'Huh? Trask what in the galaxy are you doing? You're supposed to be dead!' 'I know, sir! We're working on it!' Trask wailed. Raine stared at him in shock. 'Wait, you want to die? Why didn't you tell me sooner?!' She unsheathed her vibroblade but Carth's voice interrupted impatiently. 'You don't have to worry about it, Raine. We already have something prepared.' 'It's not a problem, sir. I'd be happy to, really.' Later when she is checking the way to kill the squad between her and the escape pods she checks the computer and... 'I wonder...' she clicked on Security Commands. GAS ROOM OVERLOAD POWER CONDUIT ENGULF ROOM WITH FLAMES RELEASE ACID DROP TEMPERATURE TO SUBZERO REMOVE OXYGEN FILL ROOM WITH BOILING WATER RELEASE MAN-EATING GIZKA MAIN MENU LOG OUT What would you do? She releases the man eating Gizka. Definitely worth every keystroke! Pick of the Week Choice Charmei Starting at age 1: The early life of three Jedi The piece starts out simple, one child crossing a tightrope, and branches from there as we watch these young Jedi from age one to 8. A pity I can't read the entire thing, because it's starting out fun. The Follower Astalnie KOTOR on Leviathan: Malak remembers his own fall as he confronts Revan after her return The piece is dark and you realize that while he worries about his position, he is more terrified that Revan will merely return to her old position. Rules of Engagement McFinnegan Post KOTOR: The horror! The piece struck at every chord a woman has; confiscating her chocolate, forced to diet, I shudder to think of her mindset. I am just surprised she didn't go on a rampage when first HK then Bastila comments on her figure. Pick of the Week The Princess Diaries McFinnegan KOTOR from Taris to Dantooine: Bastila as a valley girl? I picture Bastila as the events in the diary excerpts occur, and it caused me to chuckle. Calling to a bubble bath as if it were a lover she hasn't seen recently, whining about the lack of tub on the ship, and Mission's complaints about mere three hour showers. Oh the horrors! Pick of the Week Fanfiction.net Suckerpunched CortessaBlatt TSL on Dxun: Sparring leads to... While defined as slash, I don't think one kiss makes it so. As for all those with a knee jerk reaction to this, I am probably one of the oldest people here (I turned 58 in July) and the story only bothered me because of the unnecessary angst in the last few paragraphs. What did it matter? The Dance Noontide From Pre Mandalorian Wars to the destruction of the Star Forge: Two old friends share every experience except one The time span causes some problems because the only link between the prewar and present is the duel and the difference in their reactions. They go from good friend sharing everything to mortal enemies. As the las few paragraphs say they were heroes, villains and saviors in their own time, and the only thing they did not share was death. Doubt Dreamshell Pre Mandalorian Wars: As Bastila grows stornger in the Force Revan leads his followers into battle. You have a calm before the storm feeling here. Bastila is upset because she cannot go, yet Revan's reasons are valid. In the Light and Darkness of Us Rattlin666666 KOTOR on both Lehon and Korriban: The link draws both Bastila and Revan toward the darkside It's interesting that Bastila's fall began when Revan overreacted in the tomb of Tulak Hord. Feeling the woman she had balanced all this time finally losing it was too much for her to bear. The scenes are as graphic as the author mentions. If you are easily disturbed read only the portions without Bastila until the end. Ruin Alexandra3 Pre KOTOR: The Exile comes to lure Kavar to the fray The story flows well, and the Exile's intent is perfect; it isn't that she wanted sex specifically, rather that she wants the connection that she remembered. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 10, 2011 Author Share Posted September 10, 2011 The Coruscant Entertainment Center Attack and Defense Mswriter TOR Ongoing:The duel begins, but things are not right... Usually, I loath the obvious. I hate it when I know what the next scene is going to be. When writer's surprise me it's more fun. Like the scene in Serenity when the Captain uses 'you wanna run this boat?' and Jayne says, 'hell yes', followed by the captain saying, 'well, you can't' is a perfect example. From the instant Tamara began deciding what weapon her opponent would use I knew where it was headed, but I didn't dislike the scene. You had to show somewhere what effect the tainted crystals would have and you did splendidly. I even know what the next scene is going to be, but I am not disappointed by anything except the brevity of the scene. Excellent work, and I look forward to the next section. Fanfiction.net Hidden Stash Prometheus71 KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk, no specific timeline: Beware Jolee's hidden stash... Considering the warnings in the first few paragraphs, I had wondered what would occur when Mission added the tach glands. I had expected something like MotherMayhem's Licking Gizka, but that wasn't the case. What we got instead was a relatively generic retelling of the confrontation on the Star Forge, and Carth greeting Saul Karath as old friends. The timeline dating above is obscure because I don't know if Revan was getting a Force vision, or just remembering it. Corellia Twirl DWH Based on the Blue Side of the Force: There are ways to learn how to be graceful The piece shows us another side of the Corellans and especially the one thing used oddly enough by both sports teams and firemen, the use of dance to teach proper motion to the practitioners. Survivors Guilt PadawanMage KOTOR during flight between Taris and Dantooine: Carth helps Mission deal with her survivor's guilt, and helps his own as well This is a scene that would have fit well in the game, two secondary characters dealing with their problems, and helping them both to heal in the process. Pick of the Week Snapshot of a Gryphon The Lemon Thrower Post KOTOR: A child and a pet learn about life The piece is not linked to the universe it is portrayed in, but it is a fun read with even the child learning from the experience. Pick of the Week Crystal Quest The Lone Gunchick Three Weeks Post KOTOR: The Jedi from the Ebon Hawk receive a new mission Returning to Yavin IV to retrieve even more famous lightsaber crystals is a valid side quest timed well. The interplay between the masters and the Jedi being sent is also well done. Dream of Stealth Amme Moto Five Years Post KOTOR: Revan and the Exile must find a medallion, unfortunately, Carth is there and as much as she wants to, Revan is afraid Carth will try to stop her. I thoroughly enjoyed the read. Revan comes across as a fumbling woman trying to avoid that one true love, and Carth is the love seeking missile that won't let her get away. There's enough backstory to know that some of the old crew of the Exile's has gotten together to assist Carth, and her feelings for him haven't changed. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Bastila Shan: Convictions, Prologue Penticost Post KOTOR: Bastila seeks knowledge, especially how to explain her condition This one sneaks up on you. A Dark Bastila is sometimes fun to read about, and having her be vindictive (Dislocating every joint in someone who treated her shabbily) then trying to figure out how to tell Revan he is going to be a father? Just too choice for words. Pick of the Week To Make Her Love Me Revanrand16 Pre KOTOR: After losing his jaw, Malak still wants Revan to love him The piece is both poignant and disturbing. Poignant in that Malak has loved Revan for over a decade, but disturbing in that she can slice off his jaw, make him an object both of example and terror, but also have him willing and eager to portray that example. Lost and Found Niner Post TSL: A final lesson given by Mical The piece surprised me; having a young Jedi being trained by Mical of all people, and while they lost their battle still surviving. The ending is pure Jedi mind tricks, even as he dies, Mical has to teach that one final lesson. Bolook Joysweeper Pre Mandalorian Wars: Two apprentices need to find privacy, but not for that... It surprised me, honestly. First the wrestling style is probably based on Sumo (Which for a Westerner who doesn't understand it does look rather like a pair of guys twice your size trying to bitch-slap each other, or tear off their Fundoshi) and having to hide when they practice is understandable, considering that if one of them were female, all they are wearing is loincloths afer all. Then suddenly, as he main character pointed out, they were stuck in a bad romance novel. Too funny for words. Pick of the Week Men's Talk Jalana KOTOR no specific time given: A drinking game goes awry... Picture two men drinking, sharing their woes, then falling about as drunkards do. Then the reason for this drunken debacle. Then add that it it's Canderous and Carth getting blitzed, and you have a very good idea of what's happening. The piece is funny and rambunctious, Carth losing it early because he doesn't have the Mando'a's implant, then his last statement. I understand why Carth is torn, and why Canderous thought it was funny. Pick of the Week Friendly Advice SailorV KOTOR no specific place given: As Lena sets out for Dantooine, she tries to pass on lessons to another young Twi-Lek It's interesting when you look at the world through the eyes of a secondary character. As much as Mission loathes the woman, and her own words in the game give you more back story, you get more from this simple story. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 17, 2011 Author Share Posted September 17, 2011 The Coruscant Entertainment Center Painful Lessons Mswriter TOR Ongoing: As the victor in her duel, the Padawan learns another lesson The piece has a good feel and the entire story is coming together. While the Padawan sees it as the victor tending to the one who lost, I was reminded of the quote from the Duke of Wellington; The only thing worse than a battlefield lost, is a battlefield won. When you lose, the enemy holds the field, and you are no longer part of it. But when you win, you get to tend to the bodies and wounded. Excellent work. Continue. Squadron Legacy chapters 2-4 (Reviewed all together) SithSpector Ongoing Pre Mandalorian Wars: Technical notes: 1:When you had the character say; “We’ve got bogeys, let’s split!” I was confused. In modern day civilian slang, split means of course to leave. But in fighter jock slang split means to do a tactical split, widen formation to avoid enemy fire. But the subsequent maneuvers did not match that command. 2: considering the number of fighters carried by the average ship of the Republic, the Nebulon Class frigate, the carriers are closest to the modern British carriers, carrying few aircraft (The Ark Royal carried 22 aircraft, 18 Harriers and four helicopters) the Kiev class Aircraft cruiser (31 aircraft), Admiral Kuznetsov (41-51 aircraft) or the Commencement Bay class 'Jeep' carriers (34 aircraft) used during WWII and Korea. This means that you would not have private quarters for flight officers; even squadron leaders would share quarters, and junior officers would be in four man quarters and communal showers. If you assumed the cubic space aboard a modern American carrier instead, squadron leaders would have single quarters but they would almost always be close to the flight deck, and on one level if possible along with rooms shared by pairs of junior pilots. If they had single quarters, there would not be a need for a communal shower. There doesn't seem to have been a reason for the alarm that started the entire chapter. If it were an active weapon warning (I considered that the ship's internal sensors detected the active proton torpedo) the ship's emergency systems should also be able to jettison the ship before the explosion occurred. The flow is very good, the scenes well portrayed. The characters are fleshing out very well and the sudden hostility when our two heroes are thrust into a squadron to replace the injured and dead is perfectly done. I am enjoying it immensely. kotorfanmedia Promises Plutospawn Post TSL: Carth has another duty to Mission now The piece is sad and poignant. When they make movies about war they unfortunately forget that not all wounds are visible. Mission is reduced to a child here, only casually linked to the real world and Carth feels responsible. There wasn't enough back story to tell us what had happened specifically except that Mical who had been her partner had been killed in the same incident. I understand and applaud Carth's perseverance in this duty, yet at the end I want to cry for them both. Pick of the Week Junior Officer in Love: A Cautionary Tale Belladonna KOTOR On Taris: Concerning the events on Taris and what caused the destruction of the planet The piece is well done, using flashbacks and surveillance footage. The events are dissected with all the care of an autopsy. Excellent. Pick of the Week Dreamgirl Dinah Lance Pre Mandalorian Wars: Carth and Morgana spend some time together. The characters are well wrought, especially Morgana who as one previous reviewer commented, is primarily a cardboard figure in the background. The byplay between the characters, especially with a young doctor in training balanced against a hotshot pilot is superb. The prophetic dream could have been left out without affecting the story at all, which was one comment made. Pick of the Week The Jedi and the Mandalorian: Prologue Ravenrand16 Post KOTOR on Nar Shaddaa: Two old friend look forward to a reunion The piece is excellent work with the two main characters well portrayed with obvious changes from their game selves. Each has grown since we saw them last, even Canderous, who we have seen more recently. Pick of the Week Ieiunitas Laurifer Tiwas KOTOR After Leviathan: Revan must now deal with the revelation of his true identity The piece is too angst filled to get the full picture. Revan's shock at the revelation literally carries the piece, from his shock at Bastila's losss into enemy hands, a thought of suicide, then taking charge again through his pain. Well worth the read. Yuthura's Unexpected Catch Bald As Malak Three years Post KOTOR: Yuthura meets either her soul mate or her nemesis The piece was interesting, giving you a view of the slave trade through the eyes of someone who facilitates their service. The piece is compelling because the facilitator is someone you feel compelled to like, as Yuthura and Gizka himself feel. Pick of the Week Fanfiction.net Many Ways to Fall Louiseifer KOTOR on Tatooine: Carth deals with the revelation of who Revan is The piece is smoothly done, just some downtime before going on to the Star Forge. Carth's worries are well focused, and by the end are resolved. Things That Should Never Be Forgotten Zadi KOTOR, so specific period given: There are things the new Revan refuses to forget The piece is too short to really get a handle on. It reads as a prologue. The Pyre Assamith KOTOR aboard Star Forge: As Canderous sits dying, he and Revan share some quality time An interesting look at dying. It is curious how many times people seem to just relax when death is near, and how that last moment of life is the most sublime. Edge of the World Louiseifer Eight years Post KOTOR: Carth and Revan are reunited The piece like the previous one from this author flowed well. The eerie calm makes it almost dreamlike. Mission Accomplished Facing My Failure KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Mission pushes Carth and Revan together Except for the brandishing of weapons which I considered unnecessary, the story flowed very well. Mission being both peacemaker and Cupid strained my acceptance, but it worked out. Dha Werda Verda RC1203 TWong Pre AOTC: All this, and it was just an exercise The piece runs hot and heavy with action. The 'training' is fast paced and grueling. Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 25, 2011 Author Share Posted September 25, 2011 The Coruscant Entertainment Center Duel of Fates McClure777 All three posted episodes reviewed and critiqued simultaneously During Jedi Civil War: A warrior joins a battered flagship I read your 'about the author post first, so I was ready for the problems you mentioned. What you didn't mention was failing to remember conversation breaks. The reason you have them is so that the reader knows someone else is talking, making sure the story flows like a slow winding river rather than choppy rapids. Remember to do a visual edit because strait (Tight) will pass a spellchecker even if you meant straight. Technical: The manner of Gannor speaking to the officer was unnecessarily disparaging, as was that officer's overreaction to the morose conversation about the battle. Having served in a military unit, I know there are times when you correct a subordinate, but the Officer's reaction was as if he had been trying to foment a mutiny, not because he was pointing out that they had come out pretty battered. As an example, you could have had him walk over, saying something like 'keep it down (rating), the civvies are worried enough without that' and only when the guy goes on giving the reprimand you did if the man ignored him or protested vehemently. The officer comes across as either having more trouble holding it together than the crewman. Then as a martinet with his 'I have my orders'. Gannor could have eased the situation by treating him as an officer. Since we do not know his rank, I can not tell if he is being insubordinate or not; a man of the same rank would and could talk to another this way, but if he is junior it is being insulting, and if he is superior, he should not speak to another officer in that tone in public. He has done to that officer exactly what the Captain did to the crewman. If you get a chance, watch the Original Star Trek the Movie, especially the scene where Kirk comes aboard and tells Decker he has been given command over the junior captain. Even though the exchange is acrimonious, it is still civil. Technical notes for Chapter 2: A standard vessel might hold thousands, but anything smaller than a Star Destroyer could not hold hundreds of thousands. The Queen Mary, when used for a troop transport, carried only about a brigade, 4500 men and officers. Technical notes for Chapter 3: I was curious about them being unable to fight back. Even if they were badly outnumbered, they should have been able to do more than run away. The fact that even this one ship survived suggests hubris on the enemy's part, allowing them to get away rather than a failure on the part of the Sith. Also, if the conditions are as bad as the officer and Admiral suggest, why are they trying to recolonize? You don't dump civilians in a war zone like this. You couldn't pay them enough to get them to agree. Last, if you're going to have a conference as you show, you would not need to have either of the other officers there. Someone would have assured they had something to drink, a carafe sitting on the table for example; and the pad could have been carried by the Admiral, rather than having another officer have to hand it over. As I said above in section one, reread visually before going on. Make sure you are using the right words. You used were when you meant where, another time when a spellchecker will ignore it. The basics are good but the characters come across as contrived. How this one man can fix the problem is never adequately explained, and he seems to infuriate everyone he speaks to. I will not vote in the pool because I never do; conflict of interests. It can be a good piece with a little work and thought. So go out there, polish and smooth chapter four, and post it. I'm waiting... Fanfiction.net We got issues Darth Phex KOTOR and TSL: And you thought your group therapy was bad... The piece snuck up on me as I watched in amazement. The only thing I wondered was why the Therapist didn't get a job in managing a pizza restaurant rather than trying to maintain a therapy session. Or maybe a Mongolian barbeque... Pick of the Week Defeat at Malachor V Cyanida Mandalorian Wars on Republic Base: Bao-Dur and the woman later known as the Exile go on their first mission. The piece has a smooth flow to it, and the characters are vibrant. They click, especially the byplay when eating a disgusting meal. In The End of All Things FeeldaForce TSL on Malachor V: Atton's death scene revisited. While the piece is generic, there a real feel to it. You can almost picture him dying in her arms, and her reaction to it. Very well done. Pick of the Week Star Wars Battlefront 2 A Story of Galactic War Quane Star Wars AotC on Geonosis Technical note: With a built in comlink, the character would not have needed to pick up a radio, merely switch channels. Also, since an AT-TE has only four legs, it would be both, not all front legs. If you remember the movies, there is almost no discussion when someone takes command. The character should merely say 'mount up', though the discussion about which salient to reinforce was well done. I was confused by unit size, what with the main character leading a 'squadron' of five yet the other two supporting squadrons were able to detach 30 out of 70 fighters to render support. Remember that a US based fighter wing before losses is 72 aircraft, broken into 3 squadrons of 24 aircraft, though the term usually means 12 per squadron. Most units are reconstituted before being sent back into battle so he should have had at least the dozen mentioned above. Also, squadrons are broken down into attack or tactical, and Interceptor. You would not have a mixed unit like this very often unless it is committed before resupply can reach it. The piece was excellent in that the battle scenes felt real except for the mentions above. The hopeless confusion when he went from tank commander to grunt was well done. One scene that always bothered me in the original movie Red Dawn was when an air force pilot gave instructions in infantry terms, something only a history buff would know because the Air Force Academy does not teach small unit infantry tactics. Pick of the Week It is Such a Quiet Thing to Fall Bald As Malak Pre TSL: As she contemplates the future, Atris descends into madness. The piece is dark from start to finish, Atris starting as someone too warped to maintain her sanity, and gets worse as the years progress. She is constantly rationalizing why her own path is the only proper one, and you get the sense that the Universe she will create is darker even than one ruled by the Sith. Pick of the Week The Liar http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2836112/1/His_name His name The Lady Revan PreMandalorian Wars to TSL: Revan remembers the meetings she had with the sad little boy who would be Nihilus The piece is poignant and sad. I wonder how he was able to stay as long as he did among the Jedi and why they allowed him to escape. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Broken Promises PookiePie98 four years Post TSL: Revan returns, but it's not the happy ending she had anticipated. The piece is outstanding. Revan's reported death caused by a Force Power, Carth taking another woman as a fiance leaving Revan devastated. The feeling she has are strong and driving. This is one I wish I could read all the way through. Pick of the Week Where The Heck Are We? RogueLadySabyne KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: An author causes the characters to go ballistic Having had knock down screaming arguments with my characters sometimes, I can feel for both sides in this case, everyone has their own horror story here, and I enjoyed seeing each reliving that horror. Pick of the Week Incident on Dantooine: Quarta Joysweeper Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Revan leaqrns that someone likes her, and Malak gets a new teacher The story flowed well, and Revan's aside to herself that Padawans and Apprentices do things no one would have conceived of because they don't know what is impossible yet was choice. Having Vrook actually act like he cared about someone was a twist I had not anticipated. The primary hang up I had with the piece is the 'Dr. Livingstone I Presume' quote, which is of course Earth based. Pick of the Week Wait schmoopy Post KOTOR: Revan has to wait to be accepted again, but can she? The story is short but sweet. The idea that everyone seems to be standoffish is well done, and the woman has no one to even discuss it with but Jolee. His own asides about her nightly activities is telling because he knows that if she is not accepted soon, she will just drift away. Transparent Shadow oktobrerayne Post KOTOR: If Bastila had failed to seal away the dark side, would Revan and Carth still love each other? This author is in my list of favorites, and this story shows you why. You have a Dark Revan brutalizing Bastila, but only until she repents her attempt to take away her mind, Forgiving Malak his attempt to destroy her, and now turning her sights on Carth, not to destroy him, not to even injure him any more. But merely to break his will enough that he will love her willingly. The character is cold and like a child wants it all right now. Pick of the Week Juggernaut Ellecrys Alternate Universe: With Bastila's failure in capturing Revan, He completes his true mission As a Dark Side ending it is superb. Not bothered by fumbling around trying to defeat his orginal purpose, this Revan is cold but not callous. He does not grieve for the people slaughtered in this battle; he feels the satisfaction of finally obliterating the True Sith once and for all. Chilling. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 2, 2011 Author Share Posted October 2, 2011 The Coruscant Entertainment Center Duel of fates chapters 4 and 5 critiqued together McClure777 During Mandalorian wars, continuation: Our hero sets out. One thing I have noticed is that you have ignored my criticism. The style leaving out conversation breaks is frustrating. Here it's my job to read on anyway, so I will finish them all. However the average reader might not give you that consideration. A frustrated reader finds something else to read instead. He might tell you he liked it to spare your feelings, but that is not my job. I was hired to read and advise the writer here. Again, remember to visually edit because words that do not fit will pass by if they are spelled right. As examples just from your first paragraph alone we have barrowed (Which did not pass my spellchecker) instead of borrowed, base instead of bash, and supply's (As in the belonging to the supply department) being loaded. In chapter 5 byou had bared instead of bore, and bare instead of bear as aiming. Technical note chapter 4: Unless the pilot set the ship to hyper out through a star, I can't see something that large being affected by the collision. Even the smallest star is too huge to notice it. Remember that Han Solo mentioned passing through a star as something that could happen, and such an impact would probably create a solar flare, but wouldn't cause it to supernova. Also, only the larger stars supernova. The smaller ones; anything less than ten times the size of our own sun would not be able to do so. Technical note chapter 5: On any ship, you have a balance between what is needed to operate and fight it in the case of a warship, and the additional space necessary for the crew. You could save space in something like a jet fighter by using a more modern engine; the modern ones used in the F/A18 are more compact that those used in the fighter of the early 50s, but even then the space is not that much. What I am trying to get across is that you only get additional space aboard a ship by removing equipment that might be needed to operate it, like the WWII 'Fast transports' created by ripping out half of the engines in an old destroyer to free up cargo space. While called 'fast' they were only a few knots (Less than 5 usually) faster than the transports they were to replace. Squadron Legacy chapters 5 and six reviewed together Sithspector Mandalorian war continuation of previous story: The new pilots learn to fit in. This line 'each handing their flight back to the crew chief for the particular fighter'. Didn't make sense. Is this the notes they had made on problems? Or maybe the crew chief's report of what had been fixed? This sounds like that byplay, since a pilot will notice something wrong first, report it to his crew chief, and the chief will make sure it gets seen to. A friend had sent me an email of such comments back and forth about four years ago from Fed Ex, (who has the world's best safety records) with one coming to mind; Pilot report: Evidence of oil on landing gear, crew chief reply: Evidence removed. Technical note: Lasers do not have shrapnel. Also, even though you have special effects of explosions and cannon fire with sounds in movies, there is no such thing in space. An explosion is merely a ball of fire that expands until the shrapnel hits your ship or shields. I hated to have to criticize anything of these pieces Sithspector. The story is flowing very well and the interplay between newbie and veteran is well done. The pedantic style of teaching the one pilot balancing with the sarcastic yet caring actions of the flight lead were excellent. The end, the arrival of an overwhelming force counterpoints it all. Pick of the Week An Unforgivable World Revan Sama Dragon's Age based: A witch creates the perfect foils for her own capability. There were some times you didn't complete sentences. 'experimented many things' for example could be taken to mean experienced many or experimented with many. Though the context supports the former. The piece is perfect if it is a prologue. I'm wondering what is going to happen now. kotorfanmedia Equivalent Trade Plutospawn Pre KOTOR on Corellia: By changing just one thing... This work drowns the reader in the loss of a child. Any parent that has buried their child would remember and feel their pain, and Carth's reaction to condolence letters heightens the effect. So much we remember from the game would have changed if Morgana had lived instead of Dustil, and Carth would still have felt no better. Pick of the Week Forgive Me: Part One Tatooine92 KOTOR on Korriban: Only when she goes on does he realize... We all realize the angst the characters are going with and the author captures it very well with this piece. Most of course have the reconciliation sooner than we see here, but seeing it in a situation where we as readers know she will survive but they as characters don't know is perfect. Pick of the Week A Tale of Two Cuties Tatooine92 A typical day in Lucas-land I have to admit I woke up in a foul mood today, but this cured it with laughter. Picturing the two primary love interests fighting over the girl, (who by mixing names could be either one of the main characters) was funny enough, but add name calling, the Pazaak attack, and nine Gizka who sound like they should be pulling Santa's sleigh, and you've got a lot of fun in a small package. My only question is; why no Carth fan girls in the audience she's telling it to? Pick of the Week Jedi RyannQuinn Pre Exar Kun War: Vignette from Jolee's life with his wife The flow is good, the subject rarely covered by other authors. The fall of Nayama is a bit quick for my tastes, but when you consider the Council acted atypically compared ot the harsh judgments you see in other works his flight from the order was to be anticipated. In The Arms of an Angel Tatooine92 Mandalorian wars during Dxun campaign: Carth is rescued by a woman he has not met...yet The battle scenes were well done except for one thing, that the Mandalorians seemed a bit tentative on the attack. The newbies freezing still standing reminded me of a training scenario I did in my own Return From Exile, except that in real battle the sniper would have taken them all down as they did. Otherwise, very well done. Pick of the Week Epilog: Repercussions 343Panic PostKOTOR: Revan's Trial is finally to begin The piece is excellent because this is one scene you usually see, and witnessing it from the public via the press makes it more interesting. The inane questions (What does it matter if a dark Jedi wears black underwear?) are typical of the modern press mobbing someone before a trial. The change in the viewpoint, again, is typical of the media pushing it as well, a sad commentary on our modern world. Pick of the Week Fanfiction.net The Mandalorian Wars TweetieBird At the start of the Mandalorian Wars: The Jedi will not enter, but there is a test... You used the wrong term a few times. As an example coercing suggests you have something like a blackmail medium to use. You also used lose (As in failing) instead of loose (As in making something easier to move). I didn't have time to read every chapter, but the first one went over excellently. The piece flowed very well and the idea of having a Jedi (Female Revan ) disguised as a waitress went over well. It reminded me of one of the Vignette created by Andre Norton where a master strategist stops an enemy advance merely by sitting idly play a harp when the enemy approaches. All the Right Questions Dranzen Post TSL in the Unknown Region: The Exile gets a chance to ask some questions of her old friend. The piece was fun in that you don't really know what kind of Jedi Revan would become running about alone for all those years. Revan's reply is rational, the idea that there is a medium albeit perhaps not happy between the 'light' of the Jedi and the 'dark' of the Sith. The end was even more fun because of the idea that Revan hadn't escaped merely because she hadn't considered why she should as yet. Pick of the Week Finding Faith Affirmation26 Specific period not given though some characters outlined suggest Mandalorian War era: A teach and his Padawan are given an assignment The story flows well and the idea of having a pair mismatched according to the Council is an odd one. There has not been a story I remember before this one where the master/student pairing could be set aside by the Council. My question is how much time had passed before the Council became involved in that decision. Confessions of a Fool Phantom6612 TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton's internal dialogue is not a pretty place Told completely within his thoughts, Atton is too busy trying to come up with reasons why she should not care to wonder if she does. He's caught between the desirable woman he sees, and the monster he see himself being. The Resurrection of Revan La Belladonna KOTOR on Manaan: A Dark Jedi tries to defeat what he considers an overage Padawan, only to find his error too late The story went well, and Revan's using his own pull on the light saber to kill himself was masterful. My main question is this; with only about ten thousand odd Jedi, how could the dark Jedi she faced not recognize her? Chiasmus Freesourceful KOTOR on Manaan: Carth has found a way to remove Revan, but who will be removed? The piece was surprising in that not only has Revan reverted to the dark side, but Carth had another way to get rid of her. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 The Coruscant Entertainment Center SW: TOR: Suspicions/The Perfect Game MsFicwriter Continuation of TOR fic: A team will go into the caves to discover what is happening. Editorial note: Your master Yun rejected Qyzen Fess too readily, condemning him for one act witnessed by a Jedi. His secondary reason (Injury to his arm) would have been more acceptable in my mind. As for his first reason: In my own Return From Exile (Page 5 Section 169 Under the header Destiny) I have the fight between Hanharr and Mira where Mira removed his hand (My version), but caught him by the manacle he wears trying to save his life. This in my mind was the attempt to allow him to grow beyond his hatred, but he refuses, and dies. Only in the next section, when she goes with him to the Shadowland to meet those that have gone beyond does he learn how stupid his hatred had been. Technical note: As much as the RPG plays with stealth generators and shields, you will notice I rarely use them in my own work. We have yet to see a stealth generator in the SW universe outside of the games, and except for the Droidikas, you do not see shield generators for something smaller than a warship. I also avoided either Jedi or medpack healing for the same reason. My problem is, that unlike all of you younger authors, I dealt with Sword and Sorcery Fantasy before the game D&D was created, yet the game was created by people who grew up with those games where magical healing and potions of healing are commonplace. The only selling author I have read (And enjoyed) that uses such props is Elizabeth Moon's Paksenarrion series where she goes into an explanation in the first book (Sheepfarmer's Daughter) as to why such healing would be rare. However, Obi Wan aboard the Death Star showed that an alert Jedi Master could easily assure that attention was somewhere else without technology. Kid, I am not slamming you personally; too many use the forms of the PRG without thinking of real life. Another sterling work. I enjoyed the idea that Qyzen Fess had noticed a problem the Jedi had ignored. Pick of The Week Star Wars Duel of Fates Chapter 6 McClure77 Continuation of the ongoing work: Gannor explains why he came to be as he is, but is interrupted by a crash... Again, conversation breaks. You used rapping as in rap music rather than wrapping (enclosing) and the only way haulted passed a spell check would be for you to add the word to your dictionary since it is spelled halted. There is no explanation of what caused the crash either. A note on your poll; so far most of your characters are mere cardboard cut outs with no real depth or description. Even the main character is barely filled out. The Chronicles of Jebord Esio & Belcameron Cook (rewritten) JebusJM Set in TOR: The Jedi prepare for a misson after one has a nightmare Most humans reach their full growth by their late teens, so saying someone is 'tall for their age' doesn't make sense when they are 20. The paragraph with 'went into the small bathroom and washed his face under the basin. When he was done, he dried his face on a towel and then proceeded' should be trimmed. Remember one axiom of writing is never use more words than you need. If you have read my Heart of the Universe you will note that when the doctor is commenting on how she feels, I added the aside that everything she was feeling was a breakfast metaphor, causing a sarcastic comment. But I didn't stretch it out. Remember to sight edit; you used though (As in although) when you should have used thought. An interesting work. Keep it up. Fanfiction.net Beyond the Outer Rim Graceful5301 Post TSL: Along with Atton, The Exile begins his search for Revan and ends up in another force cell The piece had problems, primarily with spelling and word usage. I only read two chapters into it, but the newly added character intrigued me. Her own irritation at using an alien race known for it's flowery speech balances with the ogling eyes of both her and Atton when they finally meet. I wish I could read it all. The last comment was that the story had been abandoned; pity. Technical note: I would have used viewport or merely forward port rather than windscreen. The latter suggests a normal vehicle rather than a spacecraft. Pick of the Week Not to Know Greengrass1914 Pre KOTOR: Carth searches yet again for his son The piece moved me a great deal. The idea given to him by the woman who had started only thinking of mugging him was perfect. Thinking of the boy missing for two years as still the 12 who had been lost; in other words, searching for the memory rather than the boy. Her refusal to neither take the offered money nor continue with her original plan shows her own pity for his state. Well worth the read. Pick of the Week A Mix of Juma Juice and Caffa Dranzen TSL after departing Telos: Atton isn't sure what's going on The piece was well written and as the author said, pretty much a fluff piece. The Exile comes across as someone having too much fun for her own good, and Kreia as ascerbic as you would anticipate, with poor Atton caught in the middle A Life That Is Mine Promised Flower One year Post KOTOR: Revan struggles with the life she must lead Well done and written, the idea that the instant she became a Jedi she no longer had a choice in her own life might be enough to sustain her, but the pain of that realization is great. Pick of the Week The Second Battle of Naboo L337Kage During Imperial era, no specific timing given: A battle is fought and almost lost You're not keeping track of the numbers you have given; if they have 100,000 troops and you only have 300, you are not outnumbered by 100,000 to one, you are outnumbered 334 to one. Technical notes: The disparity of numbers makes no sense. The primary support for your attack is a walker (Only one mentioned) and a Star Destroyer, but the enemy can close rapidly and once among your troops, your supporting units cannot fire without killing your troops. To quote Joe Haldeman, there are enough that they can walk in with a rock in each hand and beat you to death. The battle starting with the destruction of the walker was a farce. Having the supposedly trained warriors fleeing like ants from a child's stomping foot made no sense, nor did the Gungans allowing them to form a defense perimeter. Once the perimeter was formed the battle began to look more logical, and training obviously too over again. A Masters Beginnings Blade and Master Crimson Paladin Thirty plus year Pre KOTOR: Vrook can't sleep the night before he builds his lightsaber An interesting look into the past of a secondary character. Vrook comes across as an earnest young man excited before the best day in a Jedi's life. Having both Kreia and Jolee there as his friends foretells all sorts of problems later in his life. The author commented that this is one of a series; I hope to see more. kotorfanmedia An Abnormal Kotor Parody HK47 Leaving the ship with the worst name in history: Our hero (?) is too busy trying to earn dark side points to do much good at anything... The piece is a parody, the author told us it was. But this parody goes from sublime to ridiculous so many times I'm not sure how often it was planned, From getting beau coup dark side points, then whining because he got a single light side point, then having the Jedi that died kill herself, Trask dying twice, Bandon cutting off his own manhood, Carth losing both hands and only being rescued because the author wouldn't let our hero leave without him, and ending with the hero in Carth's cast off boxers (With starships on them) it was a madcap race where you don't see the end until you literally run into the wall at the end. Pick of the Week http://www.kotorfanmedia.net/node/5850]Chance Encounters Ryusui KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Now if only she remembered The scene was choice. I was wondering how the could have met and almost done the nasty the evening before the Endar Spire blew up without remembering it. Now Carth has to start all over again with her. Pick of the Week Head Above Water Joysweeper Pre Mandalorian Wars: Old friends renew their acquaintance. Nothing much happened, but there was a lot of time spent on catching up with each other's lives. Picturing Malak in what would later be his trademark suit, but looking like his younger brother playing dress up was cute. The explanation of the exercise medium was well done, though why would a Jedi be naturally more dense than a normal person? Origins of the Meatbag Ryusui PreKOTOR: So that was where the term meatbag came from! The work is short, more the pity, I was having fun with it. The idea that HK got repetitive before was a given, considering he tends to think of everything around him as a target. My favorite line was one that another reviewer also loved: 'Worried Statement: I think I might've broken Master...' Pick of the Week Promises Kirabaros Set in her Avalonian works: Dealing with pre-wedding jitters, Avalonian style Considering the context, it should be exasperated rather than exasperating. The piece like all of her work is excellent in creating the background. The simple oath and bonding ritual evokes a feeling of another world very well. Pick of the Week Bloodlines AURevan Mandalorian Wars AU: What if Malak had gone alone? One minor problem it's canon (Writ) rather than cannon (Artillery piece) The piece covers one interesting aspect, Revan not going off to war. The commentary about Malak tells us he hasn't changed in this alternate universe, he's still the bull in the china shop. This I think would cause more Republic casualties, even if they are winning. Also, when it came time to use the Shadow Mass Generator, I could see him using it on Mandalore as well, ala Truman and the atom bombs. I have only one question: Is Revan possibly Mando'a? Or is there another personal reason for his refusing to go to war? Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 The Coruscant Entertainment Center SW: TOR: Dark Descent MsFicwriter Continuation of TOR fic: The team finds the contamination source, which only begins yet another mystery. The piece is flowing well and your use of their own 'hive scent' an excellent way around the problem. In reality there are tiny spiders that use the same system, capturing an ant from a nest and using the victim's own scent glands to make it match the nest so it can live in the nest and prey upon them safely. The reversal of having the queen do something to save her nest is an interesting difference; it implies that like bees this species has a Royal Jelly equivalent. Having the Padawan failing to tell them something specific, the toxicity of the water as well as the air was well done, and her explanation as to how she knew, and why she did not reveal it also well done. It's like the scene in Willow where the great magician is asking which finger holds the power, and Willow was sure it was his own finger, but didn't think it was the right answer. Now we have yet another mystery. Is this holocron the equivalent of the old Mission Impossible self destructing tapes? Was it left centuries earlier, and now only recently uncovered? Or is there a traitor in their midst? Two things; I thought Yun was the main character's master. If so, why is she being left behind? Second, don't you think the treatment of Tamara a bit harsh? It's flowing well and I for one am enjoying the ride. Keep it up. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia After the Star Forge Venga Fett Post KOTOR: As the victors celebrate, Revan has nightmares not only from her past, but from what had happened at her behest. Splitting the scenes between her own memories and events she did not witness was a good ploy. I wish I could read it all. The Jedi Princess: Prologue SvartKnytt KOTOR on Kashyyk: The standard dig used on Bastila cuts a little deeper than anyone thinks The flow is really good though the fight scene left a bit to be desired. The interplay between Bastila and Canderous sounded more like one between Carth and her instead. The True Trials Knight Pepper Several years before the Mandalorian Wars: Padawan Kavar takes his first step toward the trials. The piece covers some of the secondary characters in an interesting manner; young Padawans ready to become knights. Kavar's embarrassment is understandable. I have to agree with Knight of the Word's comment that young Female Jedi should not be acting as flighty as a stereotypical gaggle of girls, but it was a fun scene. The Paths Less Travelled Lightwarden Post TSL: Just a normal day on patrol This covers an unspecified time; I listed it as post TSL because the categories it is linked to sets it then. If you did the Yavin side quest in KOTOR, you recognize Suvam Tam who was the sole occupant of the Yavin IV station. The troopers left aboard the ship are the stereotypical secondary subjects who feel left out, and their gathering information is perfect for the piece, having been one of those who stood on the sidelines. An Unlikely Helper Mandalorian During the Jedi Civil War: A young Jedi must report to Dantooine Not much happens in this segment beyond the order to report. Placement is due to Revan and the Exile being named by Kavar and Atris. It was interesting and worth looking at. Sunup, Sundown Mr. Bojangles KOTOR on Taris: A different take on the start... The piece has a lot of fun to it, the interplay between Carth and Revan is different and a lot more fun that the version the game gives us. The author had a lot of teasing fun with the discussion between Carth and Kari as the sequence begins. Fanfiction.net In The Moonlight Violent Flames Post KOTOR: There is a special mission for Bastila, and Revan already knows what it is... An interesting look at the relationship after the Star Forge. The idea that Revan already knows what she faces is even more fun. Of Swoops and Rescues Red Ace KOTOR on Taris:How do you deal with a wounded man? Hilarious! Changing the typical Carth/Revan pairing into an odd couple of sorts was just the start. Now you have a wounded Republic trooper! Whatever will they do? Pick of the Week The Awakening Chikara TSL On Peragus: The beginning Basically a generic retelling of the story with little or no background. Your characters have no depth, the scene just rooms with no defining color or shape. Possession VaguelyFamiliar TSL: Sion reflects on the link he has to the Exile The piece has the feel of an old wound being picked at yet again. The thought is of only one thing, ending the bond between them, and expecting that the Exile feels it and relishes that end too. KotOR Marisu Saves The Day HelenaL KOTOR on Endar Spire: The beginning with a twist. For those who don't know the term Mary Sue is literal slang for a character in a series that outperforms all of the established characters and always knows more than they do. If you have read my Dxun memories, I was accused of creating one when my Exile lectures Revan (Who I had decided was a naval genius) on ground tactics. I didn't know what I expected with this title, and I would have been wrong to just say a 'Mary Sue'. The character fits the name and characterization, coming across as a mixture of Lara Croft and a Valley girl. Upset because Trask is too busy gaping at her rather than moving the story along; killing a number of Sith with only one shot, and saving the female Jedi is only the start. I didn't have time to read the other segments but with this as a start, you have some fun time ahead! I especially enjoyed Bastila becoming Bitchila. Pick of the Week Total Chaos Darth Franky KOTOR AU aboard Endar Spire: Everyone needs one person they loathe completely... The new character is the perfect foil for Bastila, embodying all of her opposites. Getting past 'Scruffy' (Carth) by using reverse logic worked for me. Pick of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 21, 2011 Author Share Posted October 21, 2011 The Coruscant Entertainment Center SWTOR: Jedi Bred for War Knight12167 SWTOR: A Jedi master reminisces on his past as his present goes up in flames Remember to do a sight edit before you post; the first paragraphs had some glaring problems in this regard. Thje main comment made in the story that I had a problem with is the idea that the Jedi, like a Special Ops team, is supplied with their equipment by the Republic. That would imply that the reason the Mandalorian Wars turned around after almost 12 years of defeats was because the Jedi had equipment the Republic did not issue to the regular troops. Admittedly the Jedi Aethersprite fighters from the Clone Wars makes that suggestion, but I always pictured the Jedi choosing something more akin to a racing machine than a standard issue fighter and modifying it. As WEB Griffith in his The Corps Series (Book 3, Counterattack) pointed out, the closest design to the WWII Navy F4F Wildcat fighter already in production was the National Air racer named the BeeGee. This is a good intro for something new. Now go on and show us more. Squadron Legacy chapter 7 Sithspector Continuation of the Squadron Legacy storyline: The first combat in the new war Remember to sight edit before posting. Also, while space battles in the movies have deafening explosions, in space it would be silent; they only add the special effects sounds because most people do not realize it. Elizabeth Moon in her Familias Regnant series had the designers add sound effects for firing and hits, even going so far as using musical bridges on one ship mentioned in Winning Colors. You went from one measurement system to another, having a fighter missed by feet, then having it fly meters above the hull of the target. Remember to stick with one system throughout. Technical notes; You usually check weapons not long after you take off, not before actually going into battle. Adjusting the foils and modifying the shields at this point did make sense. A spacecraft will not slow using flaps like an aircraft will; no drag. They would more likely use a vectored thrust system like a Harrier does. Question, why did your character try for an emergency landing (Always risky, especially with a ship as damaged as you describe) instead of ejecting? It wouldn't have gotten him down any faster, but would have been safer. I have to agree with the other reviewer; the best so far. Pick of the Week Fanfiction.net Tales of KOTOR Kiss with Open Eyes Dante-Revan TSL on Malachor V: The final confrontation with a twist It was an interesting premise, Kreia and the Exile not only as opponents, but as lovers as well. The way the fight was going you couldn't tell if there was any loved remaining until the end. Excellent work. Pick of the Week The Fifth Time Mynock Spit KOTOR aboard the Endar Spire: When you're bored with the game, here's something to try... The author has a sick sense of humor, recruiting Trask and the Sith to start his own evil empire, stopping the attack because he's bored. I like it! Pick of the Week http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2880849/1/Robot_Weapon] Robot Weapon Slashing Starscream Post KOTOR: Star Wars meets Transformers... Sort of Remember to do a sight edit. You used order instead of ordered for example. The piece was too short to get a good feel for the writer's style. The characters have no depth. I didn't like this for the same reason I did not like the Transformer Genre; Ask any engineer, and he will tell you that it is hard enough to make a machine that works as it was designed without creating different forms and have it also operate in that new shape. Plus the giant robot you have created has weapons too powerful to be accepted. Technical note: Escape pods are short ranged craft, sort of like a lifeboat, they would not have the range to escape a solar system, and would usually be programmed to land on the nearest available planet. If a fighter (Which is several times it's size) does not have space for a warp engine, a pod (Something about the size of a modern full sized car) would never be able to carry one. KOTOR II The Miffed Lords Misty Glow TSL Parody: The droids must get the ship to the station. How else will they continue to serve tea? I read the first section, and had to pause before I could comment. The first thought was 'I wish I could read the entire story' because it was outrageous. As the author commented it's hard to write comedy when your characters are all droids as they are in the first segment, but this was a success. When the main computer goes into a snit and sets the self destruct, this scene occurs; The annoying computerized woman's voice came over the com system and said, "I heard that! I will now start the automatic self destruct system of the Ever Hunk. The Ever Hunk will self destruct in T-minus 30 minutes." "Deet boo reet dee," said T4-U2. "What was that?" said the annoying voice. "There is no primary power?" "Bee reet!" came the mocking answer. "Then I will resume the countdown when you have restored primary power," the voice concluded. "I cannot destroy the ship without power." "Tee hee tee hee," the two little droids laughed. I may have to come back and read it, there are six chapters so far. Floating Tearoom indeed... Pick of the Week Echoes Louisefer Post KOTOR: Carth has what he wants, but considering his past, he's not sure Ignoring the slash commentary, if you merely mentally consider Revan to be a woman, it flows very well either way. The idea that Revan is remembering things like planets not on any other chart is of course alarming, since there is no mention that this information is being passed on to the Jedi or Republic military. The Liar Forget Me Not CortessaBlatt Pre Mandalorian Wars: At age 10 the Exile my run away unless someone stops it. The piece is short and has all of the angst you would expect from a child running away. When I was ten, my older sister- now departed- and I ran away because we both agreed that there were too many children for our parents to care for (eight) and by removing ourselves they would have enough. I remember our adamant will not to return, which lasted all of six hours. Like the character here, we had to give up, but those memories resonated with the story. kotorfanmedia Revan's Path: Padawan, Chapter 1- The Lightsaber Quesa Kentevar5 Pre Mandalorian Wars: The girl who would later become Revan gains her light saber crystal. The piece flows very well, and the story is intriguing. It sounds like you are using notepad to write with, which doesn't come equipped with a spell check. Technical note: As much as the RPG plays with stealth generators, you will notice I rarely use them in my own work. We have yet to see a stealth generator in the SW universe outside of the games on anything smaller than a ship. Try to avoid using game linked equipment references. A worthy entry. Keep it up. Jolee's Chronicles (Stories That Jolee Tells) Venga Fett KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Why Anakin doesn't know the Jedi rules... I wasn't sure where this was going, but as it went on, I couldn't help but chuckle. Having Mission pick the names, which correspond to the characters of 4000 years years earlier was bad enough, but having Anakin first try to explain his vision by suggesting a pet, then explaining that Obi-Wan had lost the Jedi 'rule book' somewhere on a tearing drunk was a riot! Pick of the Week Awaken PhoenixGate KOTOR on Taris: Memories start returning and Revan does not understand why The piece is interesting in that the author contends that the memories were not buried sufficiently that they would not come back eventually. An interesting way of looking into Revan's mind here. Challenge: Improbable Ancestry: Bastila Shan and Wedge Antilles Verna Jast Pre ANH: The spirit of Bastila Shan explains to a young Wedge Antilles how she and Revan came to be together, and how he came from that union. An interesting way to connect the past to the future. The idea of Wedge learning it this way suggests his own link to the force. Crisis Acquisition Gabrielle KOTOR on Tatooine: A prelude to other things The scene jumped too rapidly for me to understand. It went from Revan assuring Carth that his son would be redeemed to Revan as the Dark Lord coming aboard the Ebon Hawk undercover. There wasn't enough here to get a good feel on how good it can be. Demise Rotgutt Post KOTOR: The end of a legend The piece was confusing, jumping from present to past as he dies, and the only thing I could glean from the confusion was that he had always thought only the weak died. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 I am terribly sorry, everyone, but my computer hiccuped and deleted my entire article this week, so I will have to post it next week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kado Sunrider Posted October 29, 2011 Share Posted October 29, 2011 Dang! I was looking forward to seeing what you had to say about my story... Your computer should know better! xD Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 29, 2011 Author Share Posted October 29, 2011 I agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.