igyman Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Before we begin: Well, I've finished my first fanfic, so it's time to post it. As you will see it takes place during the Yuuzhan Vong occupation of Coruscant. Now, as some of you may know, I'm a guy who never read a Star Wars book in his life, so those of you who did, please forgive if this doesn't fit into the original story too well. I found all of the information about the Yuuzhan Vong and that part of the storyline here and here. Now, I know most of you don't like the Yuuzhan Vong for some reason, but I find them interesting and I hope my fresh (or uninformed, if you like) view on them will make you like my version of them too. Now, on with the story... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 12, 2006 Author Share Posted July 12, 2006 Heir of Darkness Prologue It is a time of great despair in the galaxy. The transformation of Coruscant into Yuuzhan'tar is long since finished, the surviving Jedi of Yuuzhan'tar are in hiding and are constantly being hunted by the relentless Yuuzhan Vong warriors. Ralik was a Commander in the Yuuzhan Vong Warrior caste and though he was a dedicated soldier, he has always been forced to fight for the respect of even the lower ranked soldiers. This was due to the fact that he was a half-breed. Although his appearance was more Yuuzhan Vong than human, he had a human mother and a Yuuzhan Vong father, but he was no child of love. His father was a brute soldier named Jurga who enjoyed hunting down the Jedi, torturing them and humiliating them in the most disgusting ways that he could think of. One such hunt was after a Jedi woman named Vaana Lorn. After he defeated her and destroyed her lightsaber, Jurga decided that the death of this young woman wouldn't satisfy him, so instead he raped her and just left her there, barely alive. He thought it to be the ultimate humiliation for a Jedi. A year later, in a raid on one of the Jedi hideouts on Yuuzhan'tar, a half-breed child was found and brought and raised in the Warrior caste. Over the years Ralik had become a fierce warrior, eventually earning the rank of Commander, despite the fact that he wasn't a pure-blooded Vong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Good start, igyman. That was an interesting prologue, lol, but it made sense. I'll be reading this. Btw, check my sig. You might like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Nice Prologue igyman. I'll be looking foward to more (Because I don't know about the Yuuzhan Vong). Thanks for the replies in my Fics, so I'll take a look at them now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC-1162 Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Jurga was indeed an a-hole good start, igyman. although i hate the Vong, i'll be focusing on the way you write, so dont think that i wont post and does Ralik have force-sensitivity? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 12, 2006 Author Share Posted July 12, 2006 Thanks for the initial comments people. I appretiate them. @RC: You'll know the answer to that in the first chapter. Just be patient. I'll post it soon enough, until then I don't want to spoil it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Konohomaru Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Nice start I'll be looking forward to the next chapter. Also plz take a look at either of my fanfics, the one with the link in my sig or Clone Trooper Jedi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 12, 2006 Author Share Posted July 12, 2006 Thanks for the feedback, Lord Konohomaru. I took a look at your ''Clone Trooper Jedi'', you can read my comment on it there. Anyway, tomorrow I'll post the first chapter, hope you guys read it and comment it. Be honest, but not brutal. It's my first fic and if you find something you don't like, don't hold back to tell me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
T.Nova Posted July 12, 2006 Share Posted July 12, 2006 Wow... never knew the Vong were so brutal. I look forward to your future entries Igyman. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 12, 2006 Author Share Posted July 12, 2006 Well, neither did I, but from what I've read about them (those two links from my first post), they definitely seem that way, at least when it comes to Jedi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 Chapter I An ancient chamber, a dark, hooded figure and the whispered words: ''Welcome to the fold.'' This dream has not woke Ralik up for the first time, infact he has been having the same dream for at least a month. Every night he sat on his bed and thought about it for hours, never being able to understand why he's been having that dream and what it represents. Unexpectedly, someone knocked on the door of Ralik's chamber, it was a messenger. ''Supreme Commander Xerx demands your presence, Commander Ralik'', the messenger said. ''Now? Ah, very well'', Ralik said, ''Inform the Supreme Commander that I will be in his office in ten minutes.'' The messenger nodded and left. Ralik took his famous battle armor and began to prepare for the meeting. Ralik's Vonduun crab battle armor was the one thing everyone recognized. He was known more by that armor than by his face. The armor was almost entirely black, but with two vertical red stripes on the torso. The stripes were rumoured to be drawn with the blood of Ralik's fallen enemies. The armor also had two terrifying long vertical spikes coming from the back and shorter ones at the elbows and knees. Ralik and the Supreme Commander have never been in the best of terms. Xerx's philosophy was ''only a pure-blooded Vong is a true Vong'', which basically meant that he hated half-breeds as much as he hated the species that used mechanical technology, so Ralik knew he shouldn't keep Xerx waiting for too long, no matter how much they despised each other. He put on the armor and left. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC-1162 Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 good chapter, igyman. your writing skilz are very very good, but the chapters are a bit short. any longer ones coming soon? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 Yeah, I know, they seemed longer when I typed them in Word. The second chapter isn't longer than this one, but there are longer ones. Right now there are five more short chapters (of course, they aren't all in a row), but I'll try to make them longer since this really is too short. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Konohomaru Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Maybe you should take your collection of short chapters and combine them into one or two large chapters. It cirtinly would make it look like your a better writer by having more content (at first glance I mean, because your story's great). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 Thanks for the suggestion. I've already managed to prolong some chapters, I'll see what I'm going to do with the rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lord Konohomaru Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 A question igyman, will you be having any battlescenes in the next few chapters? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 There will be a kind of battle in the third chapter, after that there's one in the fifth and the sixth chapter, I won't go into details, because I don't want to spoil the story for you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yaggles Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Sounds like it will be a good story. I can't wait to see what you have coming up next! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Great job. Keep it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Yeah, I know, they seemed longer when I typed them in Word. The second chapter isn't longer than this one, but there are longer ones. Right now there are five more short chapters (of course, they aren't all in a row), but I'll try to make them longer since this really is too short. I agree with there igyman. Great starting Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 13, 2006 Author Share Posted July 13, 2006 I'm just glad that length is the only problem, 'cause that can be fixed pretty easily. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lantzen Posted July 13, 2006 Share Posted July 13, 2006 Good writng, and like the other said, longer chapter. But don't make them to long, that is annoying, IMO Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 14, 2006 Author Share Posted July 14, 2006 Chapter II Xerx's office was filled with battle trophies, weapons and armor taken from dead enemies. Xerx liked to keep them there to serve as a reminder of the Yuuzhan Vong biot supremacy over the ''mechanical abominations''. Ralik arrived to find Xerx grinning with satisfaction. ''He must have found another petty asignment with which to waste my time'', Ralik thought to himself, ''No matter. I can wait, for one day I'll be the Supreme Commander and then the Warmaster, and when that happens I'll be playing that arrogant fool, Xerx like a mere puppet! He'll regret his present actions! One day.'' ''There you are, Ralik'', Xerx said in a calm arrogant tone. ''As you requested, Supreme Commander'', Ralik replied, trying to hide his disgust for Xerx. ''I have an assignment that requires your special attention'', Xerx continued. ''Ah, there it is'', Ralik thought to himself, ''Just as I suspected, another stupid errand, hardly worthy of my time. Oh Xerx, you are so predictable.'' ''Our scouts have found another Jedi hideout and I want you to go there and dispose of the heretics'', Xerx said calmly, but in his mind he was laughing with enormous satisfaction. ''With all due respect, Supreme Commander'', Ralik opposed, ''I feel that my skills are wasted on hunting these local... troublemakers! Any Commander can handle that assignment!'' ''Do you now, Ralik?'' Xerx replied as if he was expecting this kind of reaction, ''You are a Commander, no different than any other Commander, Ralik. That means you must follow your superior's orders without question! Is that clear?'' Ralik was boiling with anger: ''Now listen here you...'' he started. He was capable of killing Xerx, right then and there, but he managed to control himself. Barely. ''Careful, Ralik'', Xerx replied, ''or you might find yourself suddenly demoted to a mere Warrior.'' ''Yes... Supreme Commander'', Ralik said with apparent disgust. ''I'm glad that's settled.'' Xerx added, ''I have an audience with Supreme Overlord Shimrra later today and I wouldn't want to have to tell him that one of our best Commanders couldn't take care of a pack of humans. Now, get out of my sight and don't come back until that hideout and its occupants have been eradicated!'' Ralik nodded, saluted and left angrier than ever. There was nothing to do now but gather the troops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 Good chapter. It truely was. Not a whole lot happened, but it sets the scene nicely. Now we know that there is struggle for power, so to speak. I think, if I read it right. Good job. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC-1162 Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 i like your skilz, igyman. i cant wait to see the jedi vs vong confrontation. will there be a fight? as always, good work! i don't see any problems of what you've written now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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