Rabish Bini Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 My fic takes place after Kotor, after Kotor II and after Revan comes back from the Unknown regions, and Exile and co. is with them. Enjoy! ------------------------- Prologue STAR WARS THE UNEXPECTED DARK LORD Revan had defeated the threat of the True Sith in the Unknown Regions and returned to the people he knows and loves. The Exile, Rick, had stopped Darth Traya and her plans to destroy the Force. He had also returned with his friends, and now work in the same Jedi Temple as Revan and co. Coruscant. Life was going well, no massive Sith invasion, there are quite a few Sith though, but no threat. But that was going to change, in the not to far future. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 8, 2006 Share Posted November 8, 2006 Nice Prologue, though slightly short. Unknown was spelt wrong, but other than that, it was fine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted November 9, 2006 Author Share Posted November 9, 2006 Spelling error fixed, and it seems your the only one replying to my fics/poems.Hmmm. Anywho, part 1. And could you be the critic guy for my chapters Pottsie. Thanx. ------------------------- Chapter 1- The Rumour As the Sith assassin fell to Revan, he muttered the words, "You cannot stop the prophecy, one of you weak Jedi shall bring your order crashing down." and died. Revan looked to his right to see the one he loved, Bastila Shan, cut down another Sith assassin, to his left the ex-exile used the Force to bring down another Sith assassin. Blood was coming from a cut in his forehead, making his short, brown hair turn red. "Rick, you're bleeding." commented Revan. "Oh my goodness, i'm going to die." taunted Rick. "You know, you could come up with a better comeback. Anyway, lets head back." "Not before fighting again." put in Bastila, spotting another group of Sith assassins, "You guys must love Nar Shaddaa." The assassins attacked, but they were of no concern, and soon, the group was back at the Ebon Hawk. "About time you got back." said the old Jedi Master, Jolee Bindo, "And Rick, you're bleeding." "Must everyone say that? No, wait, don't answer that." "Where to next O great Revan?" "Bastila, for the thousandth time DON"T call me great, just Revan." said Revan, kissing Bastila on the cheek, "Lets head back to Coruscant." The next day, they left Nar Shaddaa for Coruscant, after another couple of days, they made it. They were immediately greeted by a young Jedi apprentice, who told Revan that Master Vandar wanted to speak with him. "I'll be their right away." "Revan." said Bastila, "I have a bad feeling about this." "Don't worry, what could possibly go wrong?" "I have a bad feeling too." "Great, first Bastila has a bad feeling, now you, whose next? Zaalbar?" "Hey!" yelled Zaalbar in a traditional Wookie roar. "Don't worry, nothing will go wrong." He kissed Bastila, and walked off towards Master Vandar's quarters. He walked in where he saw Master Vandar meditating. "Master Vandar, you wished to see me?" "Yes, I did Master Revan, I have heard of a Sith uprising on Korriban, I would like you to go see what's happening, you may take Bastila and Rick ONLY." "As you wish Master Vandar, when will I leave?" "You don't have to go until tomorrow. Until then, do what you please, train, meditate or relax, it doesn't matter." "Yes Master, is that all?" "Yes, that is all, you are dismissed, and may the Force be with you." Revan walked to the main relaxation room where Bastila and Rick were waiting for him. "I told you nothing would go wrong, we just have to go to Korriban and check out something about a stirring within the Sith." "When do we leave?" "Tomorrow, and only us three are allowed to go." ------------------------- I know, it's a bit short, but the next one will be longer, Chapter 2 will be posted soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 Nicely written, some spelling errors hit me occasionally, and some grammartical issue, such as "'Don't worry, what could possibly go wrong?'" I don't know who said this sentence? But I think it's Jolee Bindo or Juhani or Rick. It's too vague. But in all, it's a good chapter. Looking forward to see more. BTW, showing hospitality to newcomers are Pottsie's MO--He always do that, which means he is a totally light-sided Jedi Master. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 9, 2006 Share Posted November 9, 2006 BTW, showing hospitality to newcomers are Pottsie's MO--He always do that, which means he is a totally light-sided Jedi Master. CSI, how did you know that? And thanks for putting my Hotel Mystery story in your Sig. But keeping on-topic, the Chapter was good, like CSI said, some spelling errors but not as bad as I've seen in the past. Of course I will be your critic guy, I usually read most Fics here. Looking foward to more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted November 12, 2006 Author Share Posted November 12, 2006 Next Chapter out this week, hopefully. And for all people who are wondering, where is this person? Here is a list of where they all are: Kotor Carth:Around, doesn't travel with Revan anymore, commander of Republic Canderous:Still wit Revan/is NOT Mandalore HK:Wit Revan T3:Wit Revan Jolee:Wit Revan Juhani:Around, wit Revan sometimes Zaalbar:Wit Revan Mission:Wit Revan Bastila:In love/ wit Revan Kotor II Brianna: Wit Exile Mical: Around GOTO: Gone KABOOM! Atton: Probably getting stoned on Nar-Shaddaa Bao-Dur:Around Remote:KABOOM! Kreia:Deceased, well duh Visas: Died while fighting Nihilus Mira: On Nar-Shaddaa getting stoned wit Atton So now you know where the people are in my fic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 It's your choice overall, but I really don't think let Visas die is a good idea, nor you let Mira and Atton stay in Nar Shaddaa is a good idea, too. But it's all my opinion. You may go ahead and ignore it. Still looking forward to see Chapter 2. [Edited: I later found out it's Chapter 2. Sorry.] BTW, are you an English? I noted that your "rumour" is an English spelling. No offense meant. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted November 12, 2006 Author Share Posted November 12, 2006 No, i'm Croatian living in Australia, and that wasn't chapter 2, i'm just listing where the people are in my fic, Chapter 2 probably out this week. And maybe Mira and Atton will be back? Their not gonna stay on Nar-Shaddaa foreva you know. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 No, i'm Croatian living in Australia, and that wasn't chapter 2, i'm just listing where the people are in my fic, Chapter 2 probably out this week. And maybe Mira and Atton will be back? Their not gonna stay on Nar-Shaddaa foreva you know. Yeah, but seriously...I think you should bring Visas back to life...But it's your fic however. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted November 12, 2006 Share Posted November 12, 2006 Yeah, but seriously...I think you should bring Visas back to life...But it's your fic however. Is it because she is Nihilus' apprentice? Visas isn't the greatest character in the TSL crew for me. But as CSI says, do what you want. If you change your Fic for people, it doesn't make it your Fic anymore. I read that from somewhere on LF. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 Is it because she is Nihilus' apprentice? Visas isn't the greatest character in the TSL crew for me. But as CSI says, do what you want. If you change your Fic for people, it doesn't make it your Fic anymore. I read that from somewhere on LF. Yeah, but she's not my apprentice. Looking forward to see more chapter coming out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted November 13, 2006 Author Share Posted November 13, 2006 Here it is, chapter 2. Enjoy! ------------------------- Chapter 2-On Korriban Revan, Bastila and Rick walked through the Dreshdae settlement covered completely, including face, in a brown cloak so that no-one would recognize them. They were about to walk into the Academy when they got stopped by the Sith guard. "Stop, only Sith are allowed to enter at this time." "You will let us in."Said Revan, trying to Force persuade the guard. "Don't give me that rubbish, you are not allowed to enter and that's final!" Revan let out a sigh before stunning the Sith with the Force, then making him forget that they were ever there. They walked through the Academy heading to the door which leads to the Valley of the Dark Lords where the Sith are gathering. "Revan." whispered Rick, "Are you sure that this is a good idea, what if they find out who we are?" Revan riplied in a cool tone, as usual, "We won't let them." They finally found the door leading to the Valley, and walked through, there was a fairly large gathering of Sith there, and, what looked like their leader, stood up on a platform and started talking. "My fellow Sith, the prophecy is near, our enemy shall become our ally, and we will bring down the Jedi order!" There was a large cheer from the crowd. Revan leaned closer to Rick and asked, "What is this 'prophecy' they're talking about?" "According to legend, one of the Jedi shall willfully turn on the Jedi, join the Sith and make an army powerful enough to destroy the Jedi and the Republic. Never believed in it though, probably never will.""Guys, something's happening." Said Bastila, pointing to the leader. The leader picked up this tiny, sun-looking object, probably a rare artifact, and lifted it up into the air. He said something in the True Sith language, and the oblect disappeared. "Revan, what did he say?" Asked Bastila. "He said "Through the Sith spirits of old, let this artifact engulf The One and bring him to power"." "When did you learn the True Sith language?" Asked Rick. "When I was battling them, when else?" The leader started again, "The artifact has chosen, he will come soon!" There was another large cheer from the crowd. The group had heard enough and started to head back to the Ebon Hawk when a Sith yelled out "That's Revan and two other Jedi!" Everybody gasped while the group looked at each other for a split second, then began running to the Ebon Hawk. They ignited there lightsabers as there were more Sith on thier way to the ship. They began cutting down any Sith they encountered. One unlucky Sith got his nose cut off. By the time they got to the landing pad, the Sith had caught up to them. They began fighting as they boarded the Ebon Hawk. Revan headed to the gun turrets as Bastila charged up the engine. They managed to take to the sky, but before Rick could board, the Sith took him. But he did not go down without a fight. He swung his blue lightsaber knocking away some Sith. He managed to decapitate one and sever anothers leg. But it was not enough. There were too many of them, and in the end, they took hostage. But Revan and Bastila could do nothing to save him. They flew back to Coruscant. "Don't worry Bas, they won't kill him, they want him to turn to the Darkside and use him against us. And we will come back for him, I promise." Revan said, kissing Bastila. "I hope you're right, I hope you're right." "Welcome back." Said Canderous when they came back to Coruscant. "Thanks." Said Revan, walking towards Master Vandar's quarters. "What's up with him, and where's Rick?" Asked Canderous. "Rick got captured by the Sith, and Revan's going to tell Master Vandar what happened." "What happened?" Asked Jolee. Bastila sighed. "Rick got captured by the Sith." Revan walked into Master Vandar's quarters. "What have you found Master Revan?" Asked Master Vandar. "A prophecy is about to come true. A Jedi is going to join the Sith and destroy the Jedi and Republic. And Rick got captured by the Sith." "You have done well Master Revan, go now, I will figure out a course of action by tomorrow." "As you wish Master Vandar." With that, Revan walked out of the room. ------------------------- Chapter 3 out soon. And come on people, reply, I don't care if you give good or bad comments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 13, 2006 Share Posted November 13, 2006 OK, OK! I am replying, man! Good chapter though. But I think you should emphasize on Rick being caught. I sense a plot that Rick would turn on Dark Side and being redeemed by Revan. Besides, can you also collaborate more on the dueling between Sith and Revan, Bastila? That part looks good, but you just mentioned it a little bit? Overall, I think it's a good chapter. Keep up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted November 14, 2006 Author Share Posted November 14, 2006 You think wise, but do you think wrong? That is the question. And I meant other people who read my fic should reply. And I will put more fighting in the next chapter. And nice avatar. Yay, Santa Nihilus is coming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 Thanks. How's your chapter now? Sorry if heard like pushing you around. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted November 14, 2006 Author Share Posted November 14, 2006 I added some lines to the escape and Ricks capture. And it didn't sound like pushing around. And thanx 4 the reviews. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 I added some lines to the escape and Ricks capture. And it didn't sound like pushing around. And thanx 4 the reviews. No problem, but I don't write the review...just suggestions. Look, the part of capture of Rick is much better. Keep up. Do you have any sneak preview? Another tip for a good writing: Not only use eyes to "see" them, use other feelings such as nose, ear (Which is most common sensation other than eye, trust me.), and more indirect descriptions through these sense organs, like: Rick fought feriously with his lightsaber. His Jedi Weapon Master statues granted him a near-perfect swordmanship. With a slash, "Ahhhh..." An anoymous(I know it's spelled wrong, but I don't know how to spell correctly) Sith leg was cut down...But there were too many of them. Revan and Bastila had to watch the scenerio of Rick was being devoured by the waves of Sith Marauders and Sith Lords. "No! Rick! No!" Bastila shouted and ignited her lightsaber. "No, Bastila! Rick will be fine." Revan said calmly. "What?! He (Correct me if Rick is a 'she'.) was being held hostage by Sith! They will turn Rick to darkside in no time!" Bastila said, a little loud. "Think! Bastila, think! What can you do in this situation?!" Revan comforted Bastila by pulling her to his side, "If we jump in, and we'll be devoured by the army, too." ... Above is just my imagination. The choice is yours. (In other words, you're the One.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted November 14, 2006 Author Share Posted November 14, 2006 Here is a quick snippet. "What is it my Lord?"Said a Sith minion. "They are hear."Said a mysterious man in a brown cloak with hood. "They are coming to save him. Make sure they live." "As you wish my Lord." Chapter 3 out soon. And u got it right, the Exile is a guy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 14, 2006 Share Posted November 14, 2006 Here is a quick snippet. "What is it my Lord?"Said a Sith minion. "They are hear."Said a mysterious man in a brown cloak with hood. "They are coming to save him. Make sure they live." "As you wish my Lord." Chapter 3 out soon. And u got it right, the Exile is a guy. You mean swarms of Jedi came to save Rick, the Exile? Heh. Nice preview, though. Looking forward to see Ch. 3. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted November 16, 2006 Author Share Posted November 16, 2006 Chapter 3 out in the next couple of days. Oh, and CSI, would you mind if I borrowed some of those lines you used before in the next few chapters? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 Chapter 3 out in the next couple of days. Oh, and CSI, would you mind if I borrowed some of those lines you used before in the next few chapters? No, feel free to use it. You don't even have to accredit me. It's just my opinion. Actually, he does need to give you credit--they're your ideas. And good job to Darth_Kotor for thinking about that! --Jae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted November 16, 2006 Share Posted November 16, 2006 Nicely done. I like the story so far, and waiting for the next chap And ... Yay, another Aussie! :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted November 16, 2006 Author Share Posted November 16, 2006 @Mr_BFA:Thanx, and Aussies rule! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted November 19, 2006 Author Share Posted November 19, 2006 Yay! The next chapter. ------------------------- Chapter 3-The rescue Revan walked into the meeting room where the others were waiting. "'Bout time you came." Said Canderous. "This meeting should've started five minutes ago." "Quit your complaining." Replied Revan. "I came as soon s I could." "This is not the time to argue, we have a meeting." Said Joee. "Right." Revan stood up. "As you are all aware, Rick has been captured. Usually, a Jedi who has been captured by the Sith is already dead by now, but the Sith have very little numbers and need all the allies they can get. So I believe that they are trying to turn him. Knowing Rick, he wouldn't have turned yet. We need to get him out. You might think why is a single Jedi this important. It is because we are fairly low on numbers too. We have to save him." "And how do you expect us to do that?" Asked Canderous. "That's easy." Said Revan. "We use Hk's way, by force." "Delighted statement: Thank you master, I am willing to blow what ever you want into millions of charred pieces." Revan continued. "Canderous, you and HK will go first, I want you to blow any Sith you see away. Mission..." Before Revan could finish, two old friends walked through the door. Brianna stood up to greet them. "Well look who it is." Said Brianna, in a delighted tone. "Atton and Mira, haven't seen you two in a long, long time. Where have you been?" Atton spoke first. "Happy to see you too, we've been on Nar-Shaddaa ever since that old witch got destroyed on that freaky green planet. What's going on here?" "Whe're having a meeting as to how to save Rick from the Sith." Answered Revan. "Oh yeah, how is Rick. Maybe we could be of some assistance." "Okay, by the looks of things you're a Jedi and scoundrel, and she's a Jedi and bounty hunter. Mission, Atton and Mira will try to sneak in. Jolee will be back up, Brianna, Zaalbar and Juhani will go through the side, and me and Bastila will try to exploit a weakness." "Beep-beep, boop beep?" "Ah yes, where can T3 go, you can try to hack the computer system. We leave tomorrow. The next day, as everybody was getting ready to leave, Bastila was having second thoughts. "Bas?" Asked Revan, "What's wrong?" "Revan, what if we fail, or he's dead?" "He won't be dead, I already told you the reason." "And if we fail?" "We have to try, now come on, we're leaving." While everybody was boarding the ship, Revan got a message from Carth Onasi. "Revan, take some Republic soldiers with you, you're going to need them." Out side, quite a large group of soldiers were boarding there own ships. "I was wondering what they where doing." Whispered Revan. "Alright, soldiers, you will try to force the Sith defenses down, use any means necessary, sabotage or pointless murder, I don't care, just get the job done." Revan walked into the cockpit, "Are we ready to go?" "We leave when you say." Said Atton. "Okay, lets go." The small fleet of ships rose off the ground and flew out into space. After a few hours they were near Korriban. They dropped out of hyperspace, getting ready to land. They knew it would not be easy, but it had to be done. As soon as they entered the atmosphere, turrets started firing at them. One blaster shot narrowly missed a Republic ship, another was not so lucky. It got shot and plummeted to the ground in an extraordinary mixture of red and oange flames. The Ebon Hawk curved it's way in between the fire. It was the first ship to land. Soon after, the Republic ships followed. "What is it my Lord?"Said a Sith minion. "They are hear."Said a mysterious man in a brown cloak with hood. "They are coming to save him. Make sure they live." "As you wish my Lord." Revan and co. began their assualt on the academy were Rick was being held. The Sith offered quite a powerful resistance. Mission, Atton and Mira began sneaking through the back. Atton ignited his lightsaber and sliced off a Sith's leg. Mission pulled out her blasters and shot down some Sith while Mira was providing backup with the Force. Bianna, Zaalbar and Juhani began their assualt on the sides. They managed to find a door leading inside but it is crawling with Sith. They were about to force their way inside when T3 hacked the Sith computers and overloaded a power conduit, killing most of the Sith protecting the hallway. Canderous, HK and most of the Republic soldiers began attacking the main entrance. Sith minions and Dark Jedi began appearing from hidden doors. Revan and Bastila joined the fray. They sliced down a few Dark Jedi when someone threw a grenad. It bombed the Sith giving the heroes a bit more breathing space. As Bastila killed a Dark Jedi, another one came up behind her about to deliver the killing blow. Revan used th Force to push Bastila aside, making the Dark Jedi narrowly miss. Revan charged at him and decapitated him. Canderous began bnlasting the massive door to the Academy in the hopes of blowing it apart. Mission had discovered a way in through the back. Atton and Mira stayed outside to make sure no-one followed her. She came inside the Academy where she saw Brianna slice down a Sith. Brianna told Zaalbar and Juhani to come inside. Mission went with them. Canderous had succeded in blowing down the door, and a few Sith with it. Jolee unleashed a force wave bowling over the enemy. Revan and Bastila ran inside to meet up with the other people. "Canderous, HK." He said. "You two stay out here with the Republic soldiers making sure no-one follows us. The rest of us lets split up." Revan ran down the south corridor with force speed. He ran so fast that the Sith had little reaction time. He made it to the Academy's head Sith room, but Rick was not their. Bastila ran down the north corridor, but all she found was the learning room. Juhani ran down th west corridor, but she found nothing but Sith. She carved them down. When she turned to go back, a Sith Master pulled her back with the Force. Juhani set herself free and turned to face the Sith Master. She swung her saber but the Sith easily blocked it. He swung at Juhani's leg, just barely missing, but he manged to inflict a cut. Revan ran down and systematically killed him. He helped Juhani to her feet. "You alright?" He asked. "Yeah, i'll be fine." Brianna ran down the east corridor, she found the interrogation room where Rick was being held. "Brianna, am I glad to see you." "So am I. How do I get you out of this cage?" "Pull the switch on the right." Brianna did so and the Force cage was lowered. "Quick, we have to hurry." Said Brianna. They ran back to the centre of the Academy where the others have gathered. "Come on lets leave." Yelled Revan, and they started running back to their ships. "Canderous, HK, lets go!" Yelled Brianna. They ran back to their ships. They all boarded the Ebon Hawk, as all the Republivc ships were destroyed. They left Korriban alive. The ride back to Coruscant was awkwardly silent. Mission had many questions for Rick. But she knew better than to ask. "We'll be back in twenty minutes." Said Atton from the cockpit. "Greetings Master Revan." Said Master Vandar when they landed. "Good to see you too, Master Rick." "I'm glad to be back." He replied. "Come, you are tired, rest now, and tomorrow we shall talk." Master Vandar left. And so did everyone else. Bastila went off to the garden to meditate. Revan followed her. "Bastila, I have something to ask you." "What is it Revan?" Revan got down on one knee and pulled a small box out of his pocket. He opened it reavealing a diamond ring. "Bastila." He started. "WIll you marry me?" ------------------------- Quite a long chapter that. Hope you enjoyed it. Chapter 4 out soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted November 19, 2006 Share Posted November 19, 2006 Very, very good chapter. The contents are enriched and so is length. Keep up and looking forward to see your new chapter. Off topic: I'm glad that Carth didn't come along in Ebon Hawk, or it will turn like this: Thanks for Shem for letting me to use his image. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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