HK-42 Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 This is the sequel to The Battles in the Unknown Regions. It is Part 2 of the 10(hopefully) saga. I might releace the prologue on New Years, but that is yet to be seen. hope you like it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 Characters: Vandar is The Main Name: Darth Grivis the Great Age: 39 Race: Human Fav. Weapon: Lightsaber Fav. Saber Color: Red and Purple Strength: 55 Occupation: True Lord of the Sith, Sith’ari Wisdom: 43 Dexterity: 30 Constitution: 51 Lightsabers: 2 single bladed sabers Color: Red and purple Apprentices: Darth Zeorg the Great BIO: One of the "True Sith" Who plots to Destroy Revan Name: Darth Zeorg the Great Age: 18 Race: Human Fav Weapon: Lightsaber Fav Saber Color: Red Strength: 45 Occupation: Sith Wisdom: 33 Dexterity: 30 Constitution: 41 Master(S): Darth Grivis the Great BIO: One of the "True Sith" Who plots to Destroy Revan like his Master. Name:Darth Revan Age: 22 Race: Human Fav Weapon: Lightsaber Fav Saber Color: Red Strength: 55 Occupation: True Dark Lord of the Sith Wisdom: 55 Dexterity: 35 Constitution: 51 Lightsabers: Double-Bladed Lightsaber Color: Red Apprentices: Bastila, aka Darth Shenosae Bio: Revan returned as the Sith Lord, after slaughtering Jolee Bindo in the Rakatan Temple... he also "persuaded" Juhani and Mission to join him in destroying his old apprentice. The two Jedi were powerless against this magnificent Sith Lord's power. Revan soon after killing Malak started remembering all of his memories. Then he remembered about a "True Sith" Artifact. He went into the Unknown Regions searching near and Far for it, until he landed on a Sith Planet, one that had a huge Citadel on it. There he found the Artifact, but the sith was contempt on keeping it from him.... Name: Darth Corona the Great Age: 32 Race: Human Fav Weapon: Lightsaber Fav Saber Color: Red Strength: 45 Occupation: Sith Wisdom: 33 Dexterity: 30 Constitution: 41 Master(S): Darth Grivis the Great BIO: One of the "True Sith" Who plots to Destroy Revan like his brother Name: Darth Ferio Age: 30 Race: Zabrack Fav Weapon: Lightsaber Fav Saber Color: Red Strength: 35 Occupation: Sith Wisdom: 15 Dexterity: 29 Constitution: 67 Master(S): None BIO: One of the "True Sith" Who plots to Destroy Revan Name: Talarius Age: 56 Race: Human Fav Weapon: Lightsaber Fav Saber Color: Red Strength: ?? Occupation: Rouge Sith Wisdom: 99 Dexterity: ?? Constitution: ?? Master(S): None BIO: A Rouge True Sith, who turned against them and tried to kill the Sith’ari “Darth Grivis. Name: Darth Valk Age: 23 Race: Human Fav Weapon: Lightsaber Fav Saber Color: Red Strength: 34 Occupation: Former Jedi, Sith, Jedi Exile Wisdom: 23 Dexterity: 12 Constitution: 23 Master(S): Kreia BIO: The Jedi Exile, now sith here to help Revan Name: Bastila Shan Age: 34 Race: Human Fav Weapon: Lightsaber Fav Saber Color: Red Strength: 34 Occupation: Former Jedi, Now Sith Wisdom: 23 Dexterity: 12 Constitution: 23 Master(S): BIO: Revan’s lover. Will help Revan try to beat the True sith. Name: Vandar Tokare Age: ? Race: Unknown Fav Weapon: Lightsaber Fav Saber Color: Blue Strength: 55 Occupation: Jedi Wisdom: 76 Dexterity: 12 Constitution: 54 Master(s): ? Apprentice: Many BIO: Trying to reveal the rest of his secret past Name: Nihilus Age: ? Race: Human Fav Weapon: Lightsaber Fav Saber Color: Red Strength: ? Occupation: Jedi Wisdom: ? Dexterity: ? Constitution: ? Master(s): Vandar BIO: He survived the Ravager and now is helping Revan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 Planets: Unknown Regions Ankus Carrivar Crakull Crustai Csilla Kariek Kilia IV Lehon Lwhekk Malagarr Mobus Morcanth Munlali Mafir Nagi Osseriton Pesfavri Qoribu Rhigar Sarvchi Shikitari Tenupe Tof Umaren'k'sa Yoggoy Zonama Sekot Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 Looking forward to see more...I dislike the idea of DS Nihilus, but it's nice to have him inside... PS: Darth Nihilus's popularity is growing recently... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 Well... He might turn But thanks for the comment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 Part One was short, but still, I'm looking foward to this. I really need to write a Fic about Sion... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 Does any one known how old Vandar is? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin Skywalker Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 same as Yoda........ 1000 years old.... Part One was short, but still, I'm looking foward to this. I really need to write a Fic about Sion... You sorta have..... but you integrated it into the fic with Serra Tana Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 same as Yoda........ 1000 years old.... You sorta have..... but you integrated it into the fic with Serra Tana Yes Vandar is one thousand years old. Or is he nine hundred, since I thought Yoda died at nine hundred. Anyway, I said that about Sion, because I hadn't posted the Fic at the time. And Serra Tana is Sera Tana. Looking foward to more Grivis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anakin Skywalker Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 Yoda did not die at the age of 900.... he said that to Luke, because he was saying that he was very old.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 Yoda died exactly 900 years old. They mention it in the Audio Commentary of AOTC, that i watched last night...George Lucas said so himself. But thanks anyway for the Vandar age, and the pic that you posted. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 So where's the first Chapter? Or are you waiting to post it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted December 30, 2006 Author Share Posted December 30, 2006 Im going to post it tomorrow, on new years. I like you avatar btw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted December 30, 2006 Share Posted December 30, 2006 Im going to post it tomorrow, on new years. I like you avatar btw. Thanks Grivis. I can't believe 2006 is nearly over. It has almost been a year since I joined LF. I like your Avatar too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted December 31, 2006 Share Posted December 31, 2006 Nice chapter, Darth Grivis. @Pottsie: Yeah...And Pottsie, you can open a new thread if you want to index your fanfics...Sorry if I misled you before. No threads just for fanfic indices, sorry. You can use the search function and search by someone's name to find all of their fic threads in CEC. You can also put a little listing in your sig if you want. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted January 1, 2007 Author Share Posted January 1, 2007 Prologue Vandar has found his old friend. Revan has figured out his mission. Nihilus has been found. Bastila has been reunited with her love. Valk plans. Grivis and his order start war. And secrets must be revealed then hidden again. Or the future will be ruined forever. Two Masters Shall Join Secrets Shall reveal A Foe Will Come Out Danger Will Come One Shall Discover the Mystery While the Others Will Morn Forever Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted January 1, 2007 Author Share Posted January 1, 2007 Chapter 1: Two Masters, Two Emperors “Because, Master Gormo, I need your help,” Vander said. “Ah, for what reason,” Gormo asked. “Remember Revan?” “Yes,” “He has become Dark Lord of the Sith twice now,” Vandar told him. “So, you want me to help you stop him,” “Yes,” “No,” Gormo said. “Might I ask why Master Gormo,” “Because, I’ve been trying to figure out you species past for hundreds of years, and you still hide it,” Gormo practically yelled. “Master… Do you know why we hide it?” Vandar asked. “Why,” he asked. “Because we don’t know,” “What?” Gormo asked in surprise. “We don’t know,” Vandar repeated. “How do you don’t know?” “Before birth our parents have a memory wipe, so as our species grew we have no knowledge of our past.” “Well I’ll find out, then,” “Need help with that?” Vandar asked. “You want to know?” “Yes,” “Then you will know,” Grivis prepared his Empire for the upcoming attack from Revan. “He might not have much,” Grivis yelled. “But the ones he does are strong!” The army lined up in a position that encircles there whole tower wall. “We must not allow them in our walls, until we run out of walls,” Grivis continued. Sith ran up ramp that led up to the walls. Then pulled out blasters and aimed down. “WE MUST WIN,” Grivis shouted. Revan simply yelled “Line up troopers,” The thousands of Sith Troopers lined up in charge formation. “The True Sith think all we have is a few sith, we must show them our true power,” Revan continued. “This is War!” Bastila watched Revan line up the troops and give them his short forceful speech. She hoped he would survive the battle. And she would too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 Looks good Grivis. A little too much Dialogue, but I suppose it's not that bad. Looking foward to more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CSI Posted January 1, 2007 Share Posted January 1, 2007 Nice start, Grivis. Looking forward to more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted January 11, 2007 Author Share Posted January 11, 2007 Its short but... Chapter 2: The Battle Revan’s few sith charged at the temple of Grivis. Blaster shots flew down from the walls. Revan jumped up and landed on one of the walls. His lightsabers danced through the air killing TS troopers. A sith lord landed beside him. “Hello Revan,” He said. “So you’re Grivis?” “No I’m Darth Ferio.” “Oh well, you’ll die too.” The Sith Troopers crept through woods behind the temple. A general, Trooper 94933, called Namak. He ran up and planted a detonator on the back wall. Namak quickly ran back, and then hit the detonator stick. The explosion blew the wall apart leaving room for them to charge in. Blaster shots filled the temples out side as TS Troopers fired back at the Sith Troopers. Ferio and Revan clashed there sabers together. Revan jumped back and brought the saber to his side. Then pulled it back and threw it. The saber put a gash in Ferio’s leg. “You’re pathetic, you can’t even block a saber throw,” Revan sneered. Suddenly Bastila landed in front of Ferio. She slashed at his chest, in a desperate sort of way. Ferio blocked it and activated a second canceled saber and stabbed it into her chest. “Bastila!” Revan screamed in horror. Ferio drew back for the finishing stab… “NO” Revan screamed. The saber flew down leaving a burnt hole in a body. Namak shot TS troopers down. He ran to a barrack wall and dropped another explosive. He ran back to detonate the bomb. The explosion shook the whole barracks killing tons of troops. Then he saw a heavy trooper running by him. “Toss me the gun,” Namak told him. “Yes sir,” The heavy trooper responded. Then he dropped a Gatling blaster on the ground. Namak ran to it and positioned it facing the hole in the barracks. He opened fire, making blaster shots mow down enemy troops. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Yes, a short Chapter, but still good. I mind sound dumb, but what does TS stand for again? Anyway, I'm looking foward to more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Ok. I noticed that you have alot of dialogue. Forgive me for being blunt but the first chapter reads like a script. I don't know if that is your style or what but it left me feeling strangely incomplete. I felt that it could have done with les dialogue such as setting the scene say that Vandar was in an agitated state and it showed by his pacing in the hall or something like that. Dialogue is good as it gives intention but what is better is when you have in there what is not being said. You seemed to achieve this some with Chapter Two but it is still not there. “So you’re Grivis?” This seems a little incomplete. You mentioned that Revan was a dark lord again right? What would have improved this would be to have you add the description of how Revan looked like having him raise his brow in a questioning manner. It gives more personality to an established character. You don't have to do it every single line but when you write situations like thes, think about people in general and how they would react in the same situation. How would you react if you were Revan? On another note, when you switch to a different scene, it would be helpful to use a line break of some sort. It tells the reader that you are switching scenes. Overall, you have a good plot going and the makings of a good story. Your idea is apparent and exciting and I think you should take the idea and run with it. There are other tips in the Good Tips to a Fanfic thread in the Resource Center and I hope that there are suggestions there that you find useful. I hope this critique helps some and I encourage you to keep writing. Good Luck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HK-42 Posted January 12, 2007 Author Share Posted January 12, 2007 Pottsie TS stands for True Sith:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Daft Adidas Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 i like this book WRITE MORE! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted January 12, 2007 Share Posted January 12, 2007 Pottsie TS stands for True Sith:) Oh right. Thank you. You really like to use words like that to save writing out True Sith. i like this book WRITE MORE! Darth Aida, these are Fanfics, not books, just to correct you. Anyway Grivis, I'm looking foward to more, but I do agree with JM12, that there is a bit too much dialogue. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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