[Parody] The Golden Age of the Thick

[Darth InSidious]

PROLOGUE

----------

 

The old man sat back, and arched his fingers.

 

"So, you ask about the Great Hyperwaste-of-time War? All right. I'll tell you."

He paused, taking a long drink from his glass.

 

"It was the dawn of the third age of the R--"

 

A small, slick, greasy little man came up, and whispered in his ear.

 

"Whaddya mean, 'copyrights'?"

 

More whispering.

 

"Fine. Fine!"

 

He dismissed the crawler with an imperious wave.

 

"Anyhow. Where was I? Oh, yes."

 

He sat back again.

 

"It was at the dawn the Republic's Golden Age", he paused, to glare at his aide, who slunk further into the gloom around the bar, embarrassed. "Every day, a new system joined us, thanks to the discovery of the Wonderdrive, which allowed us, for the first time, to send ships under their own power between solar systems.

 

At the time, I thought Gussie and Madeline Adwagon were just another pair of layabouts with no clue and no money to pay their debts. I had no idea what would happen a short time after I met them, when they fell into the hands of...The Thick, and their Daft Lord, Noobi Shadow."

 

He sat back again, looking satisfied, and as we waited, his face fell into a frown.

 

"Why are you gawping at me like that?! Can't you tell that's all I'm going to say for now! Go on, shoo! Shoo! Damned young people..."

[Jae Onasi]

Heh, looking forward to seeing where you go with this one.

[SilentScope001]

I can't help but imanging Jolee Bindo in a bussiness suit relating that story.

[Darth InSidious]

[Hehehe, thank you both

 

I don't know how Jolee got into this story...He just sat down in the narrator's chair and told me to get on with it before he started getting cranky...]

CHAPTER ONE: GUSSIE AND MADELINE, AND KOROS MAJOR, OH MY!

-----------------------------------------------------------------

 

"Back already?! It's only been a day! Have young people got no patience at all these days?!"

 

Revan smiled.

 

"We all know how much the elderly love telling tales. We didn't want you to start saying we never visit you."

 

"You aren't looking so young yourself, these days - is that a walking stick, or are you just getting pretentious with age?"

 

It was a lie. Despite his now-grey hair, Revan still was as sprightly and youthful as he had been twenty years ago. Damn him. Here I was, getting back pains and memory loss already, and he can still go for three days without sleep, food or water...

 

Jolee turned his attention to us, now.

 

"And is that a line or two of silver creeping into your hair, Bastila?"

 

"Certainly not." She lied, almost convincingly. "I'm still only twenty-five."

 

"And you look as lovely as when that was true!", I joked.

 

She glared.

 

"Sorry."

 

Jolee coughed, and mumbled that we had best sit down and stop looking like accountants with bad news.

 

He himself didn't look much different from when we first met him: aging, bald, with a neatly trimmed beard. Spry for his age, whatever that was, exactly. Still, some Jedi were said to live for hundreds of years.

 

"Well, now that you're here, I suppose I'd better get on with the story. I first met Gussie and Madeline on Koros Major. At that time, I was a trainee lawyer - something I'd always wanted to do, and after leaving the Order, seemed like a good idea. I was supposed to represent them in a case against their debtors. They didn't have a hope, and at that time, they would have been enslaved for the next fifty years unless they won that case. I was on my way back from seeing them when I heard the news. By the time I got to the spaceport, it was too late -they were gone. But I had no doubt that I would here of them again, very soon..."

 

***

 

Gussie looked at Madeline.

 

"What did that achieve? Now we're not only mathively in debt, but on the wun, too!"

 

"Be quiet! I've had an idea. You wemember how you always wanted to find a new Hyperspace Twade woute?"

 

"No. I've never wanted anything of the thort, ath well you know! I hate thpace twavel. I get thick!"

 

"Well, now's your chance!", continued Madeline, ignoring Gussie's desperate protestations.

 

"All you have to do is punch some wandom numbers into the navi-computer, and hey pwesto, we can pay off all our debts!"

 

"I don't think it'th quite that thimple, Madeline--"

 

Madeline shot him a look of reproving disgust.

 

"Stop dithewing, Gussie!"

 

"Yeth, Madeline..." came the response of a slave whose master is known for feeding anyone who attracts his attention to the lions.

 

He complied, and was greatly surprised when they weren't completely blown to pieces, and even more surprised, when, after only a few hours, they dropped out of Uberspace above an inhabited world. His surprise grew further when two fighters, shaped like bats came to greet them, weapon ports open, and hailed them.

 

"Zh'nal Godekh?!"

"Thowwy?"

 

The voice became more insistent.

 

"Zh'nal Godekh, Pezliq - Vozweki'ush-Maln!"

"I don't underthtand you."

 

It became clear that they were not welcome, and Gussie was about turn the ship around and jump to hyperspace when the large ship blocking their retreat came to his attention.

 

Madeline glared at him, with the glare of a woman who has been dragged through rain and snow to see some great surprise which turns out, when finally arrived at, to be an interview with an ill-kempt old hermit with an obsession with yaks, whose bathing habits are evidently as disgusting as his mind.

 

"This is all your fault, Gussie Adwagon!"