[Fic] Unrequited

[Darth InSidious]

Unrequited

 

This was ridiculous. She was young enough to be his granddaughter, and he should be long past the sappy stages of romance! He was a warrior, not some doe-eyed, Republic poet, dreaming fuzzy nonsense about love and peace!

 

But...

 

He had felt something even when they first met. They hadn't spoken, of course. They both knew of one another's species, and what they both thought.

 

He had never intended this to happen. He’dd never wanted it. Yet by the time he had realised his feelings, it was already like an old friend.

 

He saw her every day, and she was so...so alive! Her movements, so self-conscious but so certain, he words few, but well-chosen. And she, too, was a warrior. The others could not, would not understand what it was that that meant.

 

In battle, she was a deadly foe and a worthy ally. In between, she spoke rarely, with wisdom beyond her years and few words. Least of all to him.

 

Her movements, graceful and precise, brought an art-like doom to those she faced, as even but a glance from her would bring down all his defenses.

 

No glance would ever come from her, though.

 

She hated him, and with good reason.

 

And even if he were to tell her how he felt, she could never forgive, and certainly never love him – the destruction of her home, her people, would destroy his last hope for true happiness with it.

 

But enough of this dreaming. She didn’t love him. She couldn’t, and never would. There was never any hope that a Mandalorian could ever be loved by one such as her. Juhani would forever be unreachable for him.

[stingerhs]

interesting take on the relationship between a Mandalorian and Juhani. overall, i was a bit surprised at the length, or at least the lack thereof, and it admirably does the title justice. the story itself had a bit of a surreal air to it, and i have to wonder if the story would've been a bit better if told from a first person perspective than a third person which would've helped the surreal aura in the story. the story does suffer from several spelling errors that forced me to try to translate what was said, and some of the true meaning might have been lost in that regard.

 

if i had to suggest just one thing, though, a little more length in the form of details would be helpful in rounding out the Mandalorian character. he's obviously not the focus, but perhaps a bit more insight into his character might help things out just a little bit.

 

overall, its a good effort with an interesting idea that i think is worthy of pursuing down the road. score: 6/10.

[Sabretooth]

Well, I'm glad somebody's tale has a length as short as mine.

 

It's a good fic, no doubt and quite like mine - where our protagonist is a dabbling rhetoric about a girl and the end holds a sweet surprise.

The interesting thing I liked was how you portrayed love through Mandalorian eyes. It wasn't the usual mushy love, it had the similies and metaphors of battle - the movements, the bringing down the defenses part and so on. All really good stuff.

 

Like stinger, I feel this one is sort of short. The character needed shome fleshing out, cause otherwise the tale is really good. I'm sure Javyar will appreciate it.

[Darth InSidious]

interesting take on the relationship between a Mandalorian and Juhani.

Thanks

overall, i was a bit surprised at the length, or at least the lack thereof,

I get bored quickly

and it admirably does the title justice. the story itself had a bit of a surreal air to it,

Could you explain that a bit, please?

and i have to wonder if the story would've been a bit better if told from a first person perspective than a third person which would've helped the surreal aura in the story.

Perhaps, but I think it would have lost something in the construction, and would have been less obviously an internal vignette...

the story does suffer from several spelling errors that forced me to try to translate what was said, and some of the true meaning might have been lost in that regard.

Hmm...I spotted two - "He'dd" and "defenses", and a comma'd-off clause in that first sentence, IIRC, which looks a bit odd grammatically (I think it's still acceptable, though...). Perhaps you could point out any others? I'm not sure if I can edit this, but if I am allowed to, I would like to fix them...

if i had to suggest just one thing, though, a little more length in the form of details would be helpful in rounding out the Mandalorian character. he's obviously not the focus, but perhaps a bit more insight into his character might help things out just a little bit.

I wanted to leave a lot up to the reader. Details, I think, might detract from the feel of it, though perhaps a few more bits on the Mandalorian way might have been better...I think in there might have been a few reminiscenses about previous flames that I cut out, though I can't remember. That the sort of thing you mean?

 

In the end I cut them because they weren't really relevant, and if this was a monologue, he'd know that already. And of course, he's totally, utterly obsessed with Juhani

overall, its a good effort with an interesting idea that i think is worthy of pursuing down the road. score: 6/10.

Thanks for the review

Well, I'm glad somebody's tale has a length as short as mine.

I get bored with long stuff- yours was the right length for me to be really able to concentrate on the whole thing

It's a good fic, no doubt and quite like mine - where our protagonist is a dabbling rhetoric about a girl and the end holds a sweet surprise.

They say that great minds think alike...

...And that fools' seldom differ

The interesting thing I liked was how you portrayed love through Mandalorian eyes. It wasn't the usual mushy love, it had the similies and metaphors of battle - the movements, the bringing down the defenses part and so on. All really good stuff.

Thanks. I think its fun (and rather challenging) to try and look at the characters from their own perspectives.

Like stinger, I feel this one is sort of short. The character needed shome fleshing out, cause otherwise the tale is really good. I'm sure Javyar will appreciate it.

Thanks. You may well be right about the character, but I'm still not quite sure - it is, however, interesting that you both mention this. Thanks for the review

[Jae Onasi]

Editing--once I move these to CEC, you'll be able to edit and change it there as desired.

 

Very interesting idea--I hadn't thought of Canderous and Juhani as a pair before, but I could see how that kind of appreciation would form between 2 warrior races.

 

A couple of spelling/grammer things were a little distracting, and I think this is the particular phrase that made all of us stop and re-read to make sure we got the right interpretation: "so self-conscious but so certain, he words few, but well-chosen."

 

I think it would have been OK to let on that it was Canderous admiring Juhani near the beginning--it took me a good while to figure out who the 2 really were because Candy/Revan fics are so much more common.

 

If you wanted, you could push the envelope and have Canderous try to woo her--he'd view it as a conquest to break through the racial hatred to achieve a worthy goal.

 

In a piece this short, every phrase and word takes on critical importance, and I just loved this line: "Yet by the time he had realised his feelings, it was already like an old friend." It just summed up his feelings so perfectly.

 

I look forward to more stories!