[Fic] Lost One - March '07 Competition

[NateDogg]

Lost One

By NateDogg

 

I looked across the main hull of the Sith ship. A 6’2 man stood up, he was in his early 20’s with brown eyes, and short spiked brown hair. He stood up and tried to pull his saber, but I was quicker, I held the saber to his throat and for the first time ever I felt fear in him as I started to give in to my emotion, let anger take over. All I could remember is two years ago…

...We had been in hyperspace for not more than 5 minutes it was our first mission as members of the Jedi. I was tired and the ship was more or less on auto-pilot while we were cruising through hyperspace. I walked into the starboard dormitory, a beautiful young girl, 17 years old sat up when I walked in. She had blonde hair sown to her shoulders and the most attractive green eyes, the most gorgeous body, and the most stunning personality out of anyone I had ever met. We had been hiding our love from the Jedi since it was strictly against code and so, being on a ship as far away from our masters was the best thing for us.

“Hey Meg, don’t get up. How are you feeling?” I asked questioningly.

“I’m good a little thirsty though.” She replied smiling and laying her head back down. I got up and walked out into the main hull to grab something to drink for her and me. Paul had told me he was sleeping in the other room but, when I got to the main hull I heard something in his dorm. I passed it as nothing and walked back into our dormitory with a couple drinks.

“Here you go babe I love you.” I said grinning and pecking her on the lips. Than I walked to my bunk and sat down taking a sip, I heard another strange noise from Paul’s dormitory when I had lied down.

I began to get up, but Megan told me to get some rest. I lied back down and was just dozing off when I heard screams from the other dorm. I quickly grabbed my saber the screams were clearly that of Megan. I ran out into the main hull but before I could get to were Megan was a Sith assassin who had been using a stealth belt attacked me from behind striking me several times in the back. I fell over dropping my saber on the ground, and I blacked out. When I woke up I was still where I had passed out lying in a puddle of red, I was barely alive. I looked around and realized we were no longer moving and the ship was empty. I managed to dig inside my soul to grab my med pack and fix myself up a little bit, than I crawled to the dormitory where I had heard Megan screaming, leaving a trail of blood behind me. I realized I only had moments left before I passed out from blood loss and died. I had to know what happened to Megan before that happened to me. I managed to gather just enough strength, I made it into the dormitory and saw Megan in the corner of the room still alive, she was in worse shape than me however. I figured she only had a couple minutes left.

“B…b…babe…babe I…I…I love you.” She said coughing and spurting out some blood. “P…P…Paul…be…betrayed us.” She said coughing again.

“Megan, don’t waste your energy. I know you love me, I always knew.” I said a tear coming to my eye as I crawled across the room to where Megan was.

“B…babe…d…d…don’t…don’t leave,” she requested, pleading.

“Don’t worry Megan, I’m never going to leave your side, I love you babe. I’m going to be by your side till you die.” I replied starting to cry. “Don’t you ever think I wouldn’t be there for you.” I layed down on her, stomach and she layed her head on my shoulder, a couple minutes later she died in my arms, I stroked her hair twice and than passed out again.

The next time I woke up I was in a hospital. A republic medic walked in. “Your lucky to be alive,” She replied smiling.

“Yeah, what happened to my girl?” I questioned, hoping she wouldn’t say what I already knew.

“She died in your arms.” The doctor stated sadly. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”

“Any info on what happened?” I asked.

“The Jedi conducted a search, you and your girlfriend Megan were brutally attacked by about 5 Sith assassins and another Jedi on board Paul. Paul apparently let the Sith assassins on board the ship he had been corrupted without Jedi knowledge. The Sith proceeded to attack the two of you and than abandoned the ship leaving you there thinking that you and your girlfriend were dead. The republic found the two of you a couple hours later, you were still barely alive your girlfriend had died.”

“All-knowing Jedi huh?” I stated coldly.

 

I healed fully and shortly after being released from the hospital I was exiled from the order. I became a former Jedi with only one goal in life, avenge my one true love’s death. Kill the traitor.

 

So I found myself on a Sith ship with a lightsaber to the throat of my best friend. “Just tell me why?” I asked.

“The Jedi teachings are a bunch of lies. You and Megan were a vital threat to the security of the Sith and the truth. You had to be killed.” He stated coldly. “Not to mention your girlfriend was fun to toy with”

“Wrong answer,” I could tell he was starting to get nervous. “Got any last words?” I asked darkly.

[Emperor Devon]

The idea of this is nice enough. The fic is written pretty well but it could do with a fair amount of polishing.

 

My only complaints are the death scene with Megan. 'Babe' doesn't seem like quite the term you'd call your lover while dying. I'd also liked to have seen a larger conection with these characters to the galaxy at large - what's their position with the Jedi and the Sith, when does this take place, what exactly are they doing with their lives?

 

Still, there's nothing particularly obvious to criticize. Just a fair amount of polishing and it could be pretty good.

 

My score: 6.5/10

[NateDogg]

Thanks Emperor Devon, I'll polish up my next fic for the next contest. I appreciate it Thanks.

[Daft Adidas]

Hmm. I like it. Wasn't too syre what was going o nat the start but It all came in. Very good. 8/10

[NateDogg]

Thank you I appreciate it.

[Daft Adidas]

No problem good to see a new memer making good fics.

[NateDogg]

Trust me I wouldn't have thought about this if the story was not partially true. Oh and my Grandpa told me I should start writing stories shortly before he died so I'm doing it for him.

 

Can't say I'm new at this though I used to write for a magazine.

[Jae Onasi]

I like the idea of a Jedi leaving the order to avenge a betrayer. Very interesting.

 

I caught a number of spelling and grammar errors--consider writing it in a world processing program, spell-checking, and then copy/pasting it into the thread.

 

This line caught my eye:

the ship was more or less on auto-pilot

That's like being more or less pregnant. Either it's on auto-pilot or it's not. Also, if Megan and your character were hiding the fact they were lovers, I don't think the med officer would have known they were lovers, even if she died in his arms.

The character descriptions could be a little more colorful. This is OK for RPs, but there are alternative ways to describe it in fics. We don't need to know for instance that Paul's 6'2'', just taller or shorter than your character, unless it's important to the story to have that particular detail. Work those details (hair color, eye color, etc) in one by one instead of giving them to us all at once.

 

Technical medical note--lightsabers cauterize wounds, so there is no bleeding from them, and they wouldn't have left pools of blood behind as a result. I wasn't sure how he could reach into his soul for a medpak. Megan coughing blood does make sense if she had gotten a broken rib in a fight.

 

I would like to see more of the mental changes your character goes through to decide to betray the Order and avenge his girlfriend, but that's just me. Otherwise, this is a pretty good start, and some editing will make it even better.

[NateDogg]

Alright thanks Jae I know I rushed it a little bit and I probably should have done a lit better. Everything you said makes a lot of sense I'll kepp it in mind for the next story. Thank you.