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[Fic] KotOR I sequel

Darth Badguy

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Darth Badguy Newbie

Darth Badguy

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My first story :D This takes place just after the end of KotOR I, Dark Side ending. Sorry if the English is a bit bad sometimes, im Dutch.

 

PROLOGUE (Did I spell this correct)

 

"And so it ends. Like I somehow always knew it must. In darkness." The lightsaber felt out of Malaks dead hand. There was no sound anymore in the entire room. The room shook. Revan turned of his lightsaber and put it to his belt, still not completely aware of what happened. He was wondering how the spacefight outside went, and decided to find Bastilla. He walked straight into her when he left the room, and the news she told him was excellent. The Republic lost. While he and Bastilla walked back to the Ebon Hawk, the Sith soldiers in the corridors didn't move. They just looked at him. As if they weren't surprised at all, like he, the Lord of the Sith, just came back from a nice vacation on Byss. Revan realized Bastilla was talking, but didnt really hear what she was saying. Once they were inside the Hawk, Revan imediatly went to his room. Along his way to his room, he found Canderous having a conversation with HK-47, he heard his name passing a few times. Revan. It still sounded like someone else his name. They both felt in silence when he passed, something strange in Canderous' eyes. Fear? Revan wasn't sure. He just fell on his bed and closed his eyes.

 

By the time he woke up they alrady arrived at Korriban, while he walked towards the edge of the roof he and Bastilla were standing on, he heard Bastilla telling the Sith what happened. "Malak is dead. All hail the return of Lord Revan, the true Lord of the Sith". All the Sith replied, in one monotone voice: "All hail Lord Revan. All hail Lord Revan.". Bastilla started talking about the Republic fleet and the Core worlds, but revan didn't hear her. He just smiled down at the Sith. Smiled. And he kept smiling.

********************************************************

 

Am I good enough to continue?

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Diego Varen Newbie

Diego Varen

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Prologue is spelt correctly. Good enough start for a Prologue, but it is short (Allowed, since it is a Prologue) and the layout is a bit untidy. Remember to split dialogue up, since some us don't have good eyesight. I'll show you what to do.

 

By the time he woke up they alrady arrived at Korriban, while he walked towards the edge of the roof he and Bastilla were standing on, he heard Bastilla telling the Sith what happened. "Malak is dead. All hail the return of Lord Revan, the true Lord of the Sith". All the Sith replied, in one monotone voice: "All hail Lord Revan. All hail Lord Revan.". Bastilla started talking about the Republic fleet and the Core worlds, but revan didn't hear her. He just smiled down at the Sith. Smiled. And he kept smiling.

 

By the time he woke up they alrady arrived at Korriban, while he walked towards the edge of the roof he and Bastilla were standing on, he heard Bastilla telling the Sith what happened.

 

"Malak is dead. All hail the return of Lord Revan, the true Lord of the Sith."

 

"All hail Lord Revan. All hail Lord Revan," All the Sith replied, in one monotone voice.

 

Bastilla started talking about the Republic fleet and the Core worlds, but Revan didn't hear her. He just smiled down at the Sith. Smiled. And he kept smiling.

 

Remember to put capitals on the beginning of nouns (Names of people). Bastilla is spelt Bastila and Malaks dead hand should be Malak's dead hand, since his hand belongs to him. Anyway nice start and I appreciate you saying that your first language is Dutch and not English. That way I won't be as harsh. Looking foward to more, since there aren't many DS Revan Fics at the moment. If you need help, PM me. Good luck!

 

In the future, please PM the person, offer to do a beta, and then if they agree, make suggestions on revisions. It comes across as rude if you do this without the person asking for help first, and I'm sure you're not meaning it that way. --Jae

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Darth Badguy Newbie

Darth Badguy

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Thanks for reply and suggestion about layout, and sorry for spelling Bastila wrong.

 

CHAPTER 1

 

He came walking to the beach of the Unknown Planet, Bastila behind him. The conversation. His final decision. It all happened in no time. The next thing he could remember he was fighting Mission. However, it wasn't actually a fight. She barely defended herself, and she did not even try to attack him. She just looked at him. Not just scared. It was...something else. Compassion. As if he was the victim instead if her. As if he would die instead of her. He was confused when he finaly struck her in her hart. He saw her Twilek body hitting the ground, still having the same look on her face. Compassion.

 

Revan woke up, finding Bastila lying next to him. He realized it was a dream. Bastila looked at him. Worried.

 

"You must have had one hell of a nightmare" she said. "I was wondering if you were ever going to wake up."

 

Revan froze. He knew those words. Carth said them, the first thing Carth said when he, Revan, woke up on Taris. Taris... It seemed years ago since he woke up that morning, finding himself on Sith planet Taris. So much. And Carth. Carth, the one that fled on the Unknown Planet. he probably took Bastila's ship. Where would he be? Would he still live? Revan firmly shook his head and walked out of the room, leaving Bastila on the bed.

 

As he entered the hallway, he almost walked into T-57 (I forgot the name of tht damn droid he bought at Taris...), who was wandering through the Star Forge. The Star Forge. Revan still didn't got used to the fact that *he* owned the Star Forge. Just like he couldn't get used to the fact that the patrolling sopldiers in the silver armor were *his* soldiers, and not Malak's, trying to kill him. He heard the clashing of lightsabers coming from the training room next to him, and decided to watch his students training. *His* students. As he entered the room, the Sith Apprentices turned towards him. It was of course as difficult for them as for him. For the last few days, they were hunting him, trying to kill him, stopping him from taking the Star Forge. And now they were following him. Revan didn't want to see anymore of his followers anymore. He turned around and headed towards the Ebon Hawk. He wasn't surprised finding Canderous sitting next to the Hawk, but he was definitly surprised finding him playing Panzaak with HK-47. Revan didn't even know HK-47 was able to play Panzaak, but Canderous the Mandalorian playing a card game with a droid? Revan almost laughed. Almost. He would have laughed, but he forgot how to laugh after he the decission he made at the beach of the Unknown Planet.

*************************************************************

 

Sorry, short, i know, lots of homework...and i'd like some more replies than just one...

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Diego Varen Newbie

Diego Varen

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Great first Chapter Darth Badguy and an improvement over the Prologue. I like how Revan remembers the words that Carth once said on Taris and how it affects Revan. It shows that even on the dark side, Revan still remembers his past. Not many errors that I noticed either. Don't worry about the length. As long as it is interesting, it will be fine.

 

Don't worry about one person replying to your Fic. When I started here and on other places, I usually had one person replying. In time, others will eventually see your work and comment on it. Good luck and I'm looking foward to more.

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Darth Badguy Newbie

Darth Badguy

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Another small part, sorry...i'm too busy to write large parts...

 

CHAPTER 2:

 

Revan entered the Ebon Hawk, though he knew there was no reason to do it. There was nobody there. Just the memories of everyone who was once flying with him. As he entered the center of the ship, Revan remembered Zaalbar standing there. Zaalbar. The Wookie never talked much, but when Revan came back from the Leviathan, Zaalbar was the first to say that he didn’t care. That he swore a life debt to him, and not to who he was. Revan walked towards the hallway, passing the room of Juani and Jolee. The ones that were with him in the temple on the Unknown Island. Revan still heard the words of Jolee in his ears.

 

“No, I’m a Jedi. I will never kneel for a Sith!”

 

His last words. Revan tried to ban the memory of Jolee out of his head, though he already knew he would fail. He realized he was in Mission’s room. He didn’t want to think about Mission anymore. As he turned around to leave, he suddenly saw something shattering. Revan walked towards it, and recognized it. Mission’s viroblade. He lost his last piece of control, pulled out his lightsaber and sliced the viroblade in half. It didn’t suffice. Revan kept hitting the blade till it was divided in almost thousand small, silver pieces.

 

Revan marched to the cockpit. He wanted to leave the Star Forge. Away. Away from Bastila, away from his Sith soldiers and apprentices, away from the place where he killed Malak. He already knew where he wanted to go. Revan selected his destination on the Galaxy Map. He was heading to Dantooine.

 

“Now tell me, where is the base of the Jedi Council?”

 

Saul’s voice. Revan remembered the interrogation, locked in a cage, next to Bastila and Carth.

 

“Alderaan. The Jedi Council is on Alderaan.”

 

His own voice. A lie. Why did he lie? Revan couldn’t remember. He was already turned to the Dark Side by that moment.

 

“You see, this was a trick question. Malak already knew the Jedi Council is on Dantooine. As we are talking, the Jedi base is destroyed.”

 

Saul again. Revan cursed his own stupidity. He could have sensed that Saul was tricking him. His sense was blurred by the fact that Carth and Bastila were tortured. It should be irrelevant to him that other people were tortured. But somehow it felt like he was tortured himself. Perhaps it was because of the ‘special bound’ between him and Bastila. Yes, that was probably it. But still, a small voice inside Revan told him that was not the true reason. That the true reason was that he didn’t turned to the Dark Side completely. Revan banned the voice in his head. He was the Lord of the Sith.

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The_Catto Newbie

The_Catto

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I'm very, very much liking this story!

I like the idea of a DS Revan. It seems, however, that he is not 'fully' DS though (which i like also)

I just get the feeling that there is more to Revan's DS personality than just the usual, kill and conquer.

 

Cannot wait for the next chapter.

Kudo's for a job well done! :D

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Darth Badguy Newbie

Darth Badguy

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CHAPTER 3

 

Revan found out it was quite hard to fly the Hawk alone. By the time he landed on Dantooine he felt…terrible. But it wasn’t just because of the flight. It was also because of the memories he had of Dantooine. After Saul told him Dantooine was captured, Revan wanted to fly to planet. But Bastila stopped him, she convinced him there was nothing there to see, only a lot of Sith who would immediately kill them. The Sith were still here, only one thing changed, Revan thought, they wouldn’t kill him.

 

Revan left the Ebon Hawk and ignored the ‘All hail Lord Revan’ voices of the Sith guards, and headed to the place where was once the Jedi Enclave. It was a Sith recruitment center now. Revan smiled because of the irony of this all. He smiled, but he didn’t laugh. He couldn’t laugh. As he walked across the terrain of the recruitment center, he suddenly felt a disturbance in the Force. His ears automatically focused on the words that came from the direction of the disturbance:

 

“You want to take me to the Sith Master that runs this center.”

 

As he quickly turned towards the voice, Revan could see the hand of the man that said the words disappearing under his robes. The Sith guard replied in a monotone voice:

 

“Yes, I want to take you to the Sith Master that runs this center.”

 

Revan shook his head in disbelief. A Jedi Master at Dantooine? It has to be a Master, since none of the perfectly trained Sith Knights around seemed to have felt the small wave in the Force. Revan entered the building using the nearest door, and moved towards the position of the Jedi. The Jedi couldn’t see him now and probably couldn’t sense him as well, but Revan had no trouble sensing the Jedi… perhaps not a master after all. Unless he wanted to be found. And there was something else…Revan had recognized the voice of the Jedi. He just couldn’t remember exactly to who the voice belonged…Revan entered the next room and suddenly heard the door closing behind him. He looked into the room and saw the Jedi. Three rooms closer than where he sensed him. Revan cursed himself for being fooled by a small Force trick. The Jedi turned towards him, and spoke:

 

“Remember me, Revan?”

 

For a moment, Revan thought this was another Force trick. It just couldn’t be true. But he realized is *was* true. Though the face of the Jedi was covered with the shadow of his cloak, Revan remembered the voice. Al he could do was ignite his lightsaber and answer the question of the Jedi:

 

“Yes Carth. I can remember you.”

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Darth Badguy Newbie

Darth Badguy

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Yeah, but its not that surprising that Carth is a Jedi cause

 

1)Lot of Jedi killed, so the Order is desperate to find some new Jedi

2)Carth is light sided, loyal to republic

3)Carth knows a lot about Revan because he traveled with him so the Order could use him

 

And I don't like to put entirely new characters in my stories, i can better write with familiair characters.

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Diego Varen Newbie

Diego Varen

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played Jedi Outcast? The valley of the Jedi thing will do the job...

 

The Valley of the Jedi is also in Dark Forces II - Jedi Knight, but I suppose in Jedi Outcast, it did play a major part in Kyle's life, even though it had a shorter role than Dark Forces II - Jedi Knight. Anyway, I really want to see what Carth has to say to Revan.

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