Star Wars: The Lost Son

[SkywalkerRules]

Tanya looked at Ben in surprise. Her big brother becoming her teacher? Awesome! She jumped up and down. "Holy Rolly! Ya mean it?!" Tanya ran to him and hugged him. "Yes, yes, yes! I'll become your appr... ren.. tice." She couldn't pronounce "apprentice", but she was sure happy.

 

Madi looked at everyone. She could feel everyone's need. "C'mon, guys. Let's get going. If you need any help... the Field Family is always here to help you all." She smiled. Zano nodded in agreement.

[Darth Randus]

Darth Kelion looked at Arion, his pain clear on his face. "Good, feed your anger with your pain. Let it make you stronger, give you focus. I can feel you beginning to fail to keep the pain at bay. Use it instead of letting it hinder your abilities."

 

* * * *

 

Ben reached down and picked Tanya up. He kissed her on her cheek and said "I mean it, with all of my heart. I will train you in the ways of the force, my sister."

[Aurora Starfire]

Arion grimaced. His eyes narrowed, and then suddenly converted his pain into a Force shockwave that knocked Kelion backwards. Arion fell to the ground and collapsed there, panting. "Is that your idea of 'using' it, 'milord'?" he queried, still with a mocking edge to his voice.

 

* * *

 

Aurora smiled, and slipped an arm around Ben's waist. "He's a good teacher, I know from experience." She looked up at Ben, the faintest trace of a twinkle in her eye.

 

Sarela smiled at Tanya's parents. "You're very kind to help us. Do you have somewhere in mind that you're going?"

[SkywalkerRules]

Zano scratched his black hair, thinking. "Thank you. And, well... we could take you all to our house. It's just a few blocks from the dock. If that's all right with you."

 

Tanya hugged Ben, wrapping her arms around his shoulders. "Thank you, Ben and Aurora. You guys are the best.

[Aurora Starfire]

Sarela considered. The threat to Ben and Aurora was a serious one, and she didn't want to put the Field family in any danger. "Maybe for a short while. I know we could all use the rest." She looked at Ben, to see what he thought.

[Darth Randus]

Ben looked to Zano and said, "Sure, for a short wile. We can not stay in anyone place for very long."

 

* * *

 

Darth Kelion slowly got back up and laughed. "Yes Arion, it is. Now release your anger, let it flow through you. If you don't, I'll kill the 6 year old girl that is with your sister, not to mention, your sister."

[Aurora Starfire]

Arion glared at Kelion. "But not your son. No, you'd kill an innocent little girl, but not your own son. You have got to be the most sadistic, evil person I have ever met. If- if I did release my anger, like you're talking about, it would be to put an end to you. And I doubt that's what you're looking for." He struggled to maintain control, though it was fast escaping him.

 

* * *

 

Aurora nodded. "Let's go, then. It's better not to tarry in one place for too long, and I sense that our location may already have been discovered."

[CSI]

At last, the duo stopped. Both were nearly out of breath, but CSI’s condition was worse—the butterfly crest appeared on his arm, face, back, torso, and leg.

 

“One more strike, and you’re done for.” Kaname continued to jeer at CSI, although she can barely move herself.

 

“Why don’t we focus on this one strike?” CSI said, “We both don’t have enough power to keep on fighting, so let this strike be our last one. And you haven’t seen my katana…yet. Didn’t you realize that I didn’t even pull out my katana during this fighting?”

 

“What…The…” Now it’s Kaname’s turn to be surprised.

 

“Since you want to see my katana so bad, I’ll show you.” CSI pulled out his white katana, and said calmly: “Flap, Chidori!”

 

The green lightning bolts filled onto his katana, and emitting loud “Zap” noises.

 

Kaname meditated a little, and she stood up, “I’m ready.”

 

“Then let’s go.” CSI and Kaname both charged towards each other.

 

Then a blinding light emitted from the clash of blades. Then smoke consumed both figures.

 

--

 

When the smoke finally dissipated, CSI and Kaname were still standing there.

 

“I’m sorry, my friends. I failed.” CSI knelt down and fall to the ground, face down.

 

“What do you mean, you failed?” Kaname closed her eyes, “No, it’s me who failed.” Then she took a look at her wakizashi, which looks pretty good. After 1 second, with a small “zap”, her wakizashi broke into half. Then she fell onto ground, too.

 

CSI was still lying on the ground. He neither moved nor breathed. And the electricity on his katana was gone.

[Darth Randus]

Darth Kelion smiled and in a dark voice said, "Then become my apprentice, learn to use the dark side of the Force so you can finally end me."

 

* * *

 

Ben looked around the room and said, "Indeed, it is possible that we may have been discovered already, if that is true, then we will need to move quickly. Lets get some rest at your house and then head out again. Does this ship have a security system installed?"

[Aurora Starfire]

Arion glowered at the dark lord. "If this dark side is so powerful, then why would I need training to end you? But....." he hesitated. "If- if you give me your word that you will not hurt Aurora or- or her companions, then- then I'll let you teach me about the dark side. For now, at least," he added, shooting Kelion another glare.

[Darth Randus]

"Very well... for now, at least." He mocked back at the end before his voice turned cold and dark. "Kneel"

 

Jamari stepped forward to watch is friend pledge himself to his new master and was glad that he had been wise enough to see the truth about the force.

[Aurora Starfire]

Arion raised an eyebrow, and rose to his knees. "I- I will learn what you have to teach me..... milord." He ground out, glaring at Kelion's feet. "What little that may be," he muttered under his breath.

[Darth Randus]

"Good. You have finally seen reason, Darth Patronus." Darth Kelion said in a voice that sounded unnatural. He paused and then continued, "Rise, my new apprentice." The Force began to send shockwaves, becomming darker once again.

 

* * *

 

Ben sensed the shockwaves through the force and sensed Arion was in trouble. He immediately turned to Aurora, "Arion!"

[Aurora Starfire]

Aurora turned pale. "A-Arion, no....." She reached out into the Force, but all she could find was darkness, even with their bond. She sank to the floor, and buried her face in her hands. It's all my fault.

 

* * *

 

"Darth Patronus" got to his feet, glowering. "Don't know whether I've seen reason, or lost it," he muttered, eyeing Darth Kelion. "Now what, milord?' he asked, sarcastically.

[Rogue Nine]

Okay kids, listen up. I've been observing this RP for quite some time and I feel that now is a good time to address the many problems that it possesses.

 

• The plotline - Not only is it extremely, extremely thin, it is also fantastically nonsensical. If you're going to play in the Star Wars universe, at least respect the rules and canon set forth.
  
  • For one thing, since when do Sith have 'families'? This motif is carried over from that atrociously bad "Battle of the LF Sith" thread and it makes even less sense in this incarnation than the previous one. I wasn't aware that Sith adopted their own families, nor was I aware that Sith make out with their apprentices, much less propose marriage to them.
    
  • There is absolutely zero sense of realism. I mean, seriously. Do the Darths simply keep a stockpile of Jedi to torture? And where do they obtain followers? And since when can you just pick up a Super Star Destroyer like it's some car at an automobile dealership?
    
  • Why is it that when Aurora and Ben are making out/crying/making out/telling each other 'I love you'/making out/plotting/making out/torturing family members/making out, CSI is off doing something completely unrelated?
    
  • There is no flow to the events of the story. One moment, one thing is happening, the next, everything has completely changed with no explanation whatsoever. It doesn't really help that the plot was almost nonexistent to begin with.
    

  [*]The characters - For the most part, inconsistent, contrived, asinine and utterly unrealistic.

  • Ben Flameshadow/Darth Saaron - How does he go from being some punk kid on the streets of Naboo to an all-powerful Sith Lord in the span of ten posts? And when he's not getting mad at someone for 'abandoning' him or threatening his 'family', he's sucking face with Aurora. But wait, he's redeemed...by a toddler?! The big bad Sith Lord who has no qualms about torturing his bride-to-be and her brother gets brought back to the light by some kid he meets. That's A+ material there.
    
  • Aurora Starfire/Darth Maera - A complete doormat of a character. When not crying for Ben's lost humanity, she's making out with him.
    
  • Darth Kelion - Cookie cutter Sith Lord given next to no character development. And just how the hell is he brought back to life?
    
  • CSI/Vergil - The two most ridiculously contrived characters in a thread full of them. First of all, there are no katanas in the Star Wars universe, nor are there mallets that you fight with. I know that you (CSI) are ripping off the Bleach universe and it comes off as completely and utterly stupid. You may think it sounds cool and all, but in reality, you look like a clown.
    
  • The rest of the characters - Used as little more than tools and given zero personality.
    

  [*]The making out/'I love you's - This deserves its own bullet point, because more than half of this RP is composed of Aurora and Ben kissing, to the point where it almost borders on softcore porn. This is not good RPing. This is sappy, contrived and utterly awful RPing.

 

I've been around internet RPs for a long time and this is definitely the worst excuse of an RP I have ever had the displeasure of reading. The plot doesn't make a lick of sense, the characters are distressingly unoriginal (or in CSI's case, completely idiotic) and, perhaps worst of all, the RP shows no sign of getting better anytime soon.

 

So take this as a friendly warning: if this RP does not step up its quality soon, it's getting shut down. kthnxbai

[SkywalkerRules]

((We're really... really sorry, Rogue Nine. We'll make this RP better. I'll talk with the rest of the gang, if that's okay. And... I feel that this is my fault for putting a family in it. I'm really sorry as well.))

[Darth Randus]

Ben knelt down next to Aurora and wrapped his arms around her and turned her face towareds his own. "Aurora, train me to become a Jedi, take me as your padawan learner."

 

* * * *

 

Darth Kelion glared at his new apprentice and coldly said "Bring me my son and your sister."

[Aurora Starfire]

Aurora looked into Ben's eyes, uncertainly. "Are... are you sure you want me to? Can you even trust me to teach you what you need to know?"

 

* * *

 

Darth Patronus glared back at Darth Kelion. "Not so fast, master. You gave your word that you wouldn't hurt them. And you still haven't explained what you're doing here alive. By all rights you should be spaced by now."