[Fic] Star wars: Void A tale from the Book of the Nine

[OD_MIA]

The book of the nine: Void.

A mini fan-fic

By ODMIA

 

*please let me know what you think. i love criticism ^_^*

 

 

Chapter 1

 

The weapon fired, point blank into my chest, a burning flame, extinguished only when it had delved deep into my flesh.

The solder stood there a moment, and, as I fell moved on to his next victim.

 

I can not describe the sensation of dieing to you, but I can assure you that it is like nothing else in this plain of existence.

Not exactly painful, but more like passing through a thin sheet of ice cold water, only to end up lost in a void where nothing, not even the smallest atoms can exist.

 

The solder fired again, into the man next to me, and the man fell, the hole in his chest instantly cauterized, he died.

The solder was about to move when he looked back at me, the light of surprise in his eyes, he leveled his weapon again, and fired repeatedly. Each shot burned like fire, and yet I did not die. If anything I grew stronger, and the blasts felt weaker each time he fired.

 

The solder backed away, still firing his weapon, fear showing through his calm solders demeanor.

I stood slowly, though all my muscles were turned to molten iron. My skin prickled, and if I had not known better I would have believed that I was growing in size. The solder’s eyes grew wide, and he began to fire raped, poorly aimed shoots towards me, those that hit, felt as if they were now running of my skin.

I was out of my mind now, almost displaced from my body, for I remember, or at least I had a vision brought on by the pain, seeing myself as a huge swirling shape, a mass of congealed darkness, an unholy behemoth, filled with rage, and a desire for the taste of flesh.

 

Little more can I recall,(I assume that I must have blacked out), for when I awoke, I was lying in a stream bed, long since dry, though now colored red, with drying blood.

I tried to stand but could not, and instead lay on my side, well an ant crawled slowly acrossed my face.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Chapter 2

It was later that day that three imperial troopers on a scouting mission found me, half dead in the dry sand.

They patched me up as best they could and carried me back to there command post.

I don’t remember much from the time after that, except that at some point the outpost was attacked, but they troopers must have been successful in warding of the enemy, because after an hour or so a solder came in to check on me.

 

Three days later, or at least that’s how long the troopers said I had been laying there asleep in the med tent, I awoke, and began to walk around the imperial camp.

Signs of battle were everywhere.

I was kept under close guard at all times, and continued to sleep in the med tent at night.

It was only after several weeks of this that I was ready for a slightly longer trip. Namely to the core world of corusaunt.

 

I must now take a moment to explain better the bond that had formed between my self and the solders of the 501st whom I later learned had been my rescuers.

They were more than just a group of solders, they were a group of strong, noble men and women, who had seen many hard and terrible things, who had been a part of many of those things.

But one thing about them was certain, they were all honorable people, good and true, patient, and kind.

And although they had never known anything but war, there are few that could have bore such a responsibility as these, the solders of the empire, did every day for there entire lives.

 

As I stepped into the transport, followed by my escort, I couldn’t help but feel somewhat relived that I was leaving, and yet there was a sense of sadness at having to say goodbye to my newfound friends.

Two days after I left the camp was overrun by sith forces. Only a handful escaped the slaughter.

[OD_MIA]

oh and by the way.. this is not done yet, as this is only the first two chapters.

[Daft Adidas]

i can't read it all. There's lots to say. What on earth is a solder? When the fires are being shot you havn't explained whats around you very well. Nor the characters. All I can see i solder, solder, solder. It's annoying. What's going on? Who are you? What's your name? Where are you most of the time?

 

Don't double post. Moderators do not like it. How do you make a bond with people you havn't even talked to? Ok they rescued you but this bond don't seem right.

 

2/10

[Jae Onasi]

Daft--Please see The Padawan's Guide to Providing Good Critiques. While these indeed are issues for OD to fix, there are a couple good things to point out also--I challenge you to find them and post them here.

 

Also--double posting is allowed in this specific instance--you may post comments right after posting a chapter in your fic, so that you don't have to put your comments with your chapters. What OD did was not considered double posting in this case. Note that allowing double posting applies only in CEC.

 

OD--welcome to CEC, and I know it takes a lot of courage just to post a story, so congratulations for having that courage to share your story with us. Please take any criticism here with the intent in which it's given, which is to help. I have never seen someone be intentionally mean in their criticism here--it's always been given in an effort to help the writer improve. Check out the Guide to User Made Stories aka Fan-fiction thread for guidelines specific to CEC.

 

Your formatting makes it a little tough to read, so we format a little differently from what you see in books. Changes in speakers get their own new line. We double-space between new dialog and new paragraphs, and we don't indent as we would normally in printed works. Check out any of the fics in the 2006 Top Fan Fics and you'll see how the authors formatted their fics.

 

We have a Resource Centre available which has a lot of links to all sorts of information from Names to Lightsaber Battles to the more mundane thread on finding dictionaries and grammar guides.

 

If you have any questions, please feel free to contact me, JasraLantill, or any of the other moderators.

[JasraLantill]

Not bad for a first go. You've used a lot of good visual description like:

• I stood slowly, though all my muscles were turned to molten iron

• lying in a stream bed, long since dry, though now colored red with drying blood

Good stuff! The story could also use a bit more detail of the setting (i.e. what type of terrain, what time period the story takes place, how many soldiers in the battle, who was fighting whom... that sort of thing.)

 

I'm assuming that your main character is some type of immortal creature that perhaps has the appearance of a human male, but as you haven't made that very clear, I'm also assuming that you were trying for a bit of mystery and that you'll reveal to us in a later chapter later exactly what he is.

 

A few grammatical and spelling mistakes, like--

• The soldier stood there a moment,...

• ...describe the sensation of dying

• ...and he began to fire rapid, poorly aimed shots

• ...an ant crawled slowly across my face.

• ...I couldn’t help but feel somewhat relieved

 

Also, Imperial, Sith and Coruscant should be capitalized. Just take your time when you proofread, or ask someone to beta your story for you. (See this thread)

 

Overall, pretty interesting idea for a story. Love to see more!

[OD_MIA]

Thanks guys!

I'll update it as soon as i can.

Aaaaand yes. my spelling sucks. XD

[Empress Padme]

Interesting and promising.Needs to be a little fleshed out but I agree with Jasra that there is a reason for this so I'm not gonna critique that and wait to see the future chapters.