Darth_Yuthura Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 Alright, I'll be blunt. I've never done poetry before, so this WILL be bad. Don't hesitate to say what you think because I both welcome and respect criticism. Given how far I came with writing fiction within the course of a year, I want to see how far I can go with poetry. My goal is to improve a little with each one, so for those that want to read good poems and nothing else... come back in a few months. ------------------ The Choice I Cannot Make What I abide by I know to be wrong It spawned for reasons I do not know It addles me The explanation is not clear to me, but I will justify it I want to leave it behind, but know I would always look back This I did not want, but value so greatly This I never intended has left a void where nothing ever was I see what I know cannot be, but it is a beacon that I continue to follow I don't know where it could lead, but I do not wish to venture anywhere else It defies what I believe, but I hold to it I want nothing more than to share it, but know I never will This that I did not intend I have chosen I would have waited as long as I had to I would have done whatever was needed I would have had no regrets for one worth so much All this she would not want It is for her that I will keep my silence Fin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chevron 7 locke Posted December 16, 2008 Share Posted December 16, 2008 I didn't think this poem was really that bad, sure it needs some improvement but I thought it good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordOfTheFish Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Very interesting. It may be a bit more understandable if a name was provided, but other than that I thought it was great! Keep it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 I found it awfully confusing. I loved the choices of words, and the way it was written, but I had no idea what it was about, at first I thought it was about a bad decision in life, then I thought it was about drugs. If you cleared that up, and fixed the first line of the third verse, it would be perfect Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Unrequited love is what I get when I read this. It's a good poem and as LotF stated, I may also be more understandable if a name was provided. Nice start nonetheless. Way better than the first poem I ever wrote, Waaaayyyy better! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommanderQ Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 Very Excellent job, Darth Yuthura! Very good, indeed! So, this is your first time writing poetry, if that is the case, then you're off to a great start! I hope to see more soon:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted December 17, 2008 Author Share Posted December 17, 2008 Thanks for the criticisms and compliments. There is a reason why I haven't said EXACTLY what the poem was about; it's a little of what everyone thought. Rabish Bini got the 'bad choice in life' right on. However, that is not the primary topic and I got rid of the addiction wording because it was misleading. I thought that it would have been so obvious, but I suppose people were expecting more from me than just another of the most abundant topic in poetry. This is my first poem and I wanted it to be something I would always remember. This will be the ONLY such poem I do because I didn't have to write this at all. I'm going to try and use some rhyming verses in the next one. Problem is that I can't really come up with meaningful words that match. A few are already done, but anyone who could give advice on that... Do those who use rhymes come up with those words first and write the rest around it or what? Thanks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted December 17, 2008 Share Posted December 17, 2008 ^^^ RhymeZone.com I use this site to find rhyming words, synonyms and more, trust me, it's a very useful site, enjoy! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 That is a cool site Rabish, but poems don't always have to rhyme. I am sure that you already know that though. That wasn't that bad at all D_Y. Confusing in some parts, and clear in others. Good choice of words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 That is a cool site Rabish, but poems don't always have to rhyme. I am sure that you already know that though. That wasn't that bad at all D_Y. Confusing in some parts, and clear in others. Good choice of words. Yeah, D_Y wanted a way of rhyming words together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted December 18, 2008 Author Share Posted December 18, 2008 Okay, this is really just a practice of wording, there was no meaning behind any of this. Behind the Words Who ever said poetry had to be clever? Some just seek only to create a rhyme Others just say ‘whatever’ It was nothing more than a waste of time Why do I write things I dread? I write for the attention Because few poems go unread I write less to ease my tension Such words need not be said For they are written only for the mention Poetry should not carry implicit literary pretension Your replies drive an author’s ascension Why praise a message beyond comprehension? Are they only to invoke misapprehension? Do not be taken by such lies A poet must rationalize Poems are not to disguise, but revise one's meaning The compromise is what I despise A Poem without a message is what they devise Yet will always mesmerize Fin still need one more verse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CommanderQ Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 This part is excellent, Darth Yuthura!! Very clever and funny indeed! Post the next verse soon! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 I like it. For not having wrote poetry before you have a knack for it. Keep it up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 Yeah, D_Y wanted a way of rhyming words together. Oh, sorry. Not bad. Keep it up! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 I liked it, but some of the sentences seemed too long, which affects the flow, and makes it seem a bit weird to read. Work on that a bit, before you work on another verse. Good work nonetheless Oh, sorry. No worries Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted December 18, 2008 Author Share Posted December 18, 2008 Thank-you for the criticisms. I just thought that if I were doing this kind of thing, I should try working on understanding the meaning and expressing 'in a poetic sense' what poems mean from my perspective. I'm not one who truly appreciates another's writings without knowing the author behind the word processor. So I think that was a meaning I attempted to derive from this last piece. I went back and modified some of the run-on sentences and gave some purpose to this. I might be able to say it's done, but the last verse isn't what I would expect for an ending. PS: I should have said 'First poems done willingly.' I have done a few (less than ten) for English-related subjects, but those had nothing beyond the words. If anyone wants to put me in the cross-hairs of their AK for this, I'm sorry. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordOfTheFish Posted December 18, 2008 Share Posted December 18, 2008 Much improvement from the last poem, D_Y. I really enjoyed this one! Great job! -Fish- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted December 19, 2008 Author Share Posted December 19, 2008 Alright, the situation here is of a teenager who is being approached by his father. The teen is stressed by something and doesn't want to share it, but the father wants an explanation. The teen says only enough to answer. My Problem When I am silent, you're suspicious When I answer your question, you are not satisfied I try to spare you my problems, but you ask politely I am considerate, even when you step in front of me I walk around and continue on my way and now you are insulted All I wanted was to be alone, but you force yourself upon me again I'm not so pleasant because you drive my patience Emotion is now in my voice and I dismiss myself again Now you have a problem with me You are angry because I brush you off You shout in extreme rage, thinking it was disrespect Now I spill my guts out just to get rid of you The truth only adds to your rage Even then you are not satisfied Now you lie and insult me You tell me I will get nowhere in life You tell me why that is You tell me of the last moment as proof, not knowing everything If I stand up to you, it will fuel to your rage further I stand there to take your insults All you say are lies, but I don't care anymore I don't want this to continue. When I walk away, you are satisfied You believe your message got through You assume my silence verifies your words It didn't It verified that it didn't matter what you said Now my problem is you I hope this is satisfactory Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted December 19, 2008 Share Posted December 19, 2008 I liked it, especially the ending line On your previous peom that you edited, it flows much better now, the sentecnes aren't as long, which is a very good thing, overall, nice work Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth_Yuthura Posted December 28, 2008 Author Share Posted December 28, 2008 Hypocrisy How can you believe how you do not act? Your behavior is what we observe; that is fact. Demands are all that you enact, Yet even these commands are so abstract. What you think doesn't matter. I no longer listen to your chatter. The world is not one way or the latter. You might as well not blatter. You persist with your judgment, Even when all you do is subsist, I clench my fist at beliefs so abhorrent. What I want is for you to desist. You lack rapport not just with others, but with yourself. I want to hear no more. For one we adore, we don't wish to ignore, But your judgment is too galore. You're inconsistent. It's why I'm so resistant. My patience has become nonexistent. That is why we are so distant. fin. I have one person I look up to, but is very hypocritical when it comes to a number of issues. He speaks one thing, yet acts differently. He loves saying 'use as few words as possible to state your ideas,' yet when I do, he must demand more than what he needed to hear. I say too much, he complains. When he says too much, he won't shut up, even when he knew I already knew what he had said before. This is directed at a few people who I respect, but don't appreciate being judged because they make assumptions with no facts behind their 'logic.' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rabish Bini Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 Eh, it wasn't as good as say, My Problem, but it was okay, although some strange choice of words, such as "blatter", is that even a real word? Maybe you should've thought this one through a bit more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 My Problem really spoke to me DY. ;_; It really did, and thank you very much for sharing. That one was the best so far, and I look forward to more. Keep it up It applies to many different situations than just the one that you put out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LordOfTheFish Posted December 29, 2008 Share Posted December 29, 2008 I thought it was good, and rather fun to read. Almost every sentence rhymed. Keep up the good work! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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