Holty1-5 Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 Hey Before you read i should mention somthing Im 15 english is not my strongest subjects (Its properly my worst) I plan to Give this to my Teach as my English Writing Essay +You may notice some connection to Kotor Some Names and Imagine Zylons as Mandlorains it isnt 100% Kotor its more about 7% (names about it) Genre Sci-Fi Name: Havnt got 1 yet any Spelling Mistakes Dont be afraid to say (Mircosoft work Said there wasnt but meh) And Enjoy!!! <Story Removed as if i keep on internet Exam board may see, think i copied myself and fail me> Well wasnt that Great!!!! Give me your feed back by the time you do it may be to late to improve but maybe next time FYI a lot was cut to fit in the words Limit here are somthings Planet: Kall'as'ak Characters: Shang'Ta (Good) Mel'opa (Bad) and kinda a side story Hope you liked it O and if you have a good name for it feel free to say If you have negitive comments try to make it more how to Improve comments you know. No need to put me down Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ping Posted February 23, 2010 Share Posted February 23, 2010 First of all, are you a native speaker of English? The essay has so many grammar mistakes that it would take me an hour or two just to tell you everything that needs correcting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 I will read it and give a 'teacher review by tomorrow, hopefully Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 24, 2010 Share Posted February 24, 2010 First, remember copyrights. I am willing to bet if you name a ship the Endar Spire, Bioware would go after you. As an example, the term 'Starship Enterprise' was copyrighted by Paramount when Star Trek was in its second season. Remember homonyms, which is why I constantly tell people to edit their work. They pass through a spell checker, but when you mean their(First person possessive) or they are instead of there (Location), it's obvious. There are times you capitalized unnecessarily, since a man who is badly hurt might feel it is important, it is not that important story wise. Also another reason to edit is sentences like 'he has important documents that without I cannot help your friend!” need some context The action scenes you did have were stilted, and the pace was too fast for the content. Having it go from 'I need you to kill him' to 'sure okay' was way too fast. Take my advice, first, reread edit and rewrite. Try visualizing the scenes when you write them. I use a stream of conscience method when it flows well because I am visualizing it like a movie behind my eyes and I am merely reporting what I see. Not bad for a first work. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holty1-5 Posted February 24, 2010 Author Share Posted February 24, 2010 The action scenes you did have were stilted, and the pace was too fast for the content. Having it go from 'I need you to kill him' to 'sure okay' was way too fast. Take my advice, first, reread edit and rewrite. Not bad for a first work. There was More dialogue Or almost 200 wordssay i had to cut a huge amount out almost 3000 words so it did flow better before i thibk i cut abbout 12 lines between the two you said. i tried to keep the Speech that helped the story move along without ruining the plot. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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