Delphi's Clone Posted December 26, 2001 Share Posted December 26, 2001 Things not to say to a cop when you're pulled over... I only had one officer Mr. Keg.. Back off Barney, I've got a piece. Want to race to the station, Sparky? I know I was weaving, but I can't find the Honeycomb Hideout! On the way to the station let's get a twelve pack. You'll never get those cuffs on me...You *****! Come on write the damn ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes! Hey, wasn't your daughter a pork queen? How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me. Hey officer, is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me? I'm surprised you stopped me, Dunkin Donuts has a 3 for 1 special! Yeah you can see my license and registration, officer, but could you hold my beer for a minute? Hey, you must've been doing' about 125mph (200km/h) to keep up with me! Good job! Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a Police Officer. Excuse me. Is "stick up" hyphenated? You know, I was going to be cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. "Bad Cop! No Donut!" I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are cars around, that's how far I am behind the other cars. You're NOT gonna check the trunk, are you? "Lets do it different this time... I will give you the breathalyzer test, now stick this in your mouth and blow" Didn't I see you get your *** kicked on "COPS" last week on TV? Wow, You look just like the guy in the picture next to my girlfriend's bed. I bet I could grab that gun before you finish writing my ticket So, uh, you "on the take", or what? Gee, officer! That's terrific. The police officer yesterday only gave me a warning too! Do you know why you pulled me over? Good, at least one of us does. So, are you still crabby because your mamma didn't let you play with your gun when you were little? Hey is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum. When you smack the crap outta me, make sure you smile for the video camcorder. Is it true that people become policemen because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds? Hey, you look like that girl I ****ed a few days ago... Aren't you one of the Village People? Hey officer, want to see a trick? Look at your wife! -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- owee lol There is a lot pilots have to take into account when hulling your *** across the sky... 1. Every takeoff is optional. Every landing is mandatory. 2. If you push the stick forward, the houses get bigger. If you pull the stick back, they get smaller. That is, unless you keep pulling the stick all the way back, then they get bigger again. 3. Flying isn't dangerous. Crashing is what's dangerous. 4. It's always better to be down here wishing you were up there than up there wishing you were down here. 5. The ONLY time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire. 6. The propeller is just a big fan in front of the plane used to keep the pilot cool. When it stops, you can actually watch the pilot start sweating. 7. When in doubt, hold on to your altitude. No one has ever collided with the sky. 8. A 'good' landing is one from which you can walk away. A 'great' landing is one after which they can use the plane again. 9. Learn from the mistakes of others. You won't live long enough to make all of them yourself. 10. You know you've landed with the wheels up if it takes full power to taxi to the ramp. 11. The probability of survival is inversely proportional to the angle of arrival. Large angle of arrival, small probability of survival and vice versa. 12. Never let an aircraft take you somewhere your brain didn't get to five minutes earlier. 13. Stay out of clouds. The silver lining everyone keeps talking about might be another airplane going in the opposite direction. Reliable sources also report that mountains have been known to hide out in clouds. 14. Always try to keep the number of landings you make equal to the number of take offs you've made. 15. There are three simple rules for making a smooth landing. Unfortunately no one knows what they are. 16. You start with a bag full of luck and an empty bag of experience. The trick is to fill the bag of experience before you empty the bag of luck. 17. Helicopters can't fly; they're just so ugly the earth repels them. 18. If all you can see out of the window is ground that's going round and round and all you can hear is commotion coming from the passenger compartment, things are not at all as they should be. 19. In the ongoing battle between objects made of aluminum going hundreds of miles per hour and the ground going zero miles per hour, the ground has yet to lose. 20. Good judgment comes from experience. Unfortunately, the experience usually comes from bad judgment. 21. It's always a good idea to keep the pointy end going forward as much as possible. 22. Keep looking around. There's always something you've missed. 23. Remember, gravity is not just a good idea. It's the law. And it's not subject to repeal. 24. The four most useless things to a pilot are the altitude above you, runway behind you, gas back at the airport, and a tenth of a second ago. 25. There are old pilots and there are bold pilots. There are, however, no old, bold pilots. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artoo Posted December 26, 2001 Share Posted December 26, 2001 lol to both the above! If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around, and it hits a mime, does anyone care? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted December 26, 2001 Share Posted December 26, 2001 > "Did you take a bath?" > "Why, Is there one missing?" > > "Are you chewing gum?" > "No, I'm John Smith." > > "I want to buy a dress to put on around the house." > "Yes, Madam. How large is your house?" > > "I spent three years in college taking medicine." > "Are you well now?" > > "I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for dinner." > "Who wants to eat your friends?" > > "We are having mother for dinner, darling." > "Make sure she's well done." > > "I want some rat poison." > "Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?" > > "It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the other." > > "Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears." > > "May I hold your hand?" > "No, thanks, It isn't heavy." > > "When will you straighten out the house, dear?" > "Why? Is it tilted?" > > "Do these stairs take you to the second floor?" > "No, you'll have to walk" > > "Now that you're married, you should have some insurance" > "But why? My wife isn't dangerous." > > "I have changed my mind." > "Thank heaven! Does it work better now?" > > Waiter: Would you like your coffee black? > Customer: What other colors do you have? > Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted December 26, 2001 Share Posted December 26, 2001 heres another hilarious one as some of u may know india and pakistan are not in friendly terms An Indian was sitting with a Pakistani and a Malaysian in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden; Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." So the Malaysian guy thought for a while and then said: "Please be tying a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Pakistani guy, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two pillows could only take 12 lashes before the whip went through again. Before the Indian fellow could say something, the sheikh turned to him and said: "As you are from a small country, and your football team and your cricketers are terrible. And my youngest and the most beautiful wife is also an Indian. So you can have two wishes" Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Indian replies. "My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes." "If you so desire", the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish ?" "Tie the Pakistani to my back", the Indian answered !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abeex Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 20 reasons why its great to be an american ... 20. Your fellow citizens might not agree that farts are funny, but they will defend to the death a magazine full of jokes about them. 19. We have the best Mexican food…and many of the best Mexicans! 18. Cowboys. 17. All superheroes, from Superman to Mighty Mouse to the Thing, are on our side. 16. No other chant at the Olympics has quite the cachet of “U.S.A.! U.S.A.!” 15. The Mob’s already sent a crew to Afghanistan to hand out beatings “Brooklyn style.” 14. The Sears Tower, Empire State Building, Statue of Liberty, and Pizza Hut, to name a few. 13. Our presidents think with their heads. <<thas iffy 12. Jack Daniel’s makes barbecue sauce. 11. California girls. 10. We don’t even need a 10th reason. 9. Real-life video game: 800,000 miles of highway and 55,000 state troopers. 8. Arena rock. 7. While every other country’s gene pools dwindle and stagnate, ours continue to thrive. 6. Regardless of your social class, if someone shouts “Tastes great!” you can reply “Less filling!” 5. After decking Britain, Germany, Japan, and Russia, we helped ’em back up. Who’s next? 4. Our GIs assist in alleviating female unemployment wherever they go. 3. We don’t need any other countries to have a World Series. And we always win it! 2. Scott Baio is a millionaire. (Need any more proof that this is the land of opportunity?) 1. $329 billion annual military budget. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delphi's Clone Posted December 27, 2001 Author Share Posted December 27, 2001 hehe thosewere pretty funny i liked the 2nd one that Krkode posted the best hehehe keep on posting Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GB_StormTrooper Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 If you guys have a mp3 downloader, look up 100 things not to say during sex....pretty funny Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delphi's Clone Posted December 27, 2001 Author Share Posted December 27, 2001 yay your back!!!!!!!!!!!! report to the GB RPG forum at once commader !!!!!!!!!! i have started an Empire V Rebllion game Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 chap was deeply in love with a pretty foreign girl, whom he wanted. But he did not have the courage to talk to her in person. So he decided to go alone and with the help of a dictionary, he wrote a letter of proposal to her. HE WROTE Most worthy of your estimation after a long consideration and much mediation. I have a strong indication to become your relation. As to my educational qualification, it is no exaggeration or fabrication that I have passed my matriculation examination; no doubt without any hesitation and very little preparation. What do you say to the solemnisation of our marriage celebration according to the glorification of modern civilisation and with a view to the expansion of the population of present generation. On your approbation of the application, I shall make preparation to improve my situation, and if such obligation is worthy of consideration it will be our argumentation of the joy and exaltation of our joint dissimilation. Thanking you in anticipation and with devotion, To remain victim of your fascination. SHE WROTE Dear Mr. Victim of my fascination, Congratulation for your lengthy narration of course full of affection aimed at an affiliation for a combination which on examination I find is a fine presentation of your ambition You have passed your matriculation with little preparation, what about my graduation after a long botheration, so improve situation in education and make an application by acquisition of post graduation and minimum qualification for the convocation and before taking your photo for circulation undergo beautification. Further strict observation of the following conditions is the regulation for the determination of our relation. 1. Consultation of my parents before approaching for my connection. 2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any fascination and, 2. Communication of your confirmation that you are not a victim of any fascination and, In anticipation of a solid action instead of continuation of paper conversation. I Remain, Unaffected by your affection. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 this is a really popular joke in india theres an american and indian talking to each other in a plane american says- during excavations there were telephone wires found in the earth which is proof that our advanced civilization used phones way back to which the indian replies well during our excavations we found 'no' wires which is proof that our civilization used cell phones way back:D _____________________________________ ok heres one once a rich business man was going on a ferryman's boat to cross the river. he asks him "have you read the bible" the ferryman says no. and then he says "25% of your life is wasted" then he asks him "have u ever gone to the opera" he says no. "then 50 % of your life is wasted" then suddenly the boat starts to sink and everyone is evacuating the boat by jumping into the water when the ferryman asks him "can u swim" he says no and the ferryman replies then 100% of your life is wasted!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Mal *Nexsis* Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 How to handle a speeding ticket! A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: Officer: May I see your driver's license? Driver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. Officer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? Driver: It's not my car. I stole it. Officer: The car is stolen? Driver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. Officer: There's a gun in the glove box? Driver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. Officer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? Driver: Yes, sir. Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: Captain: Sir, can I see your license? Driver: Sure. Here it is. It was valid. Captain: Who's car is this? Driver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner's card. The driver owned the car. Captain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? Driver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. Captain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. Driver: No problem. Trunk is opened; no body. Captain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glove box, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. Driver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 oh man that was funny but i dont hink the police are that dumb:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Delphi's Clone Posted December 27, 2001 Author Share Posted December 27, 2001 LOL that was sooooooooooo funny *falls down and has a laugh attack* hehe that was great. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jedi_Knight Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 lol that was a good one mal Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artoo Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 ROTFLOL!!!! :laughing: :laughing: *regains rational thought* I've never heard that one before! You are in a room w/ Osama Bin Laden, Saddam Hussein, and a lawyer represeting the ACLU. You have a gun but only 2 bullets. What do you do? You shoot the lawyer twice! Since we have an international community, you should now know about the Sept. 11th tragedy if you don't pm me. ACLU stands for American Civil Liberties Union. They defend the rights of people who don't have rights. They've already volunteered their best lawyer to defend Osama Bin Laden if he is caught alive. *shudder* I hate their guts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jedi_Knight Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 what is the aclu? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artoo Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 I edited my post. see above if you didn't get the joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jedi_Knight Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 I still don't get it:confused: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artoo Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 lawyer=hated Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jedi_Knight Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 nope still don't get it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
duder Posted December 27, 2001 Share Posted December 27, 2001 Originally posted by krkode heres another hilarious one as some of u may know india and pakistan are not in friendly terms An Indian was sitting with a Pakistani and a Malaysian in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden; Saudi police entered and arrested them. They were initially sentenced to death but they contested this and were finally imprisoned for life. But, as it was a national holiday, the Sheikh decided they should be released after receiving 20 lashes of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." So the Malaysian guy thought for a while and then said: "Please be tying a pillow to my back." This was done but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Pakistani guy, watching the scene, said: "Please fix two pillows on my back". But even two pillows could only take 12 lashes before the whip went through again. Before the Indian fellow could say something, the sheikh turned to him and said: "As you are from a small country, and your football team and your cricketers are terrible. And my youngest and the most beautiful wife is also an Indian. So you can have two wishes" Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness", the Indian replies. "My first wish is: I would like to have 40 lashes." "If you so desire", the Sheik replies with a questioning look on his face, "and your second wish ?" "Tie the Pakistani to my back", the Indian answered !! thats a good one....it deserves to be brought back to the front! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted December 28, 2001 Share Posted December 28, 2001 theres this guy whos wife is going for a job interview so shes trying on a new dress she asks him "do i look fat in this" to which he replies "do u want me to be nice , or do u want me to be honest" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artoo Posted December 28, 2001 Share Posted December 28, 2001 How many Imperials does it take to change a lightbulb? Two, one to change it and the other to shoot the first and take the credit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted December 28, 2001 Share Posted December 28, 2001 A man drove all night long. Upon arriving in a small community, he decided to stop in the local park and catch some shuteye. Just as he dozed off, there was a knock on the window. Outside the car, the man saw a jogger. "Excuse me, can you give me the time?" "Yeah, it's 6:27." The man settled back and was almost asleep when there was another knock on the window. Another jogger. "I'm sorry to disturb you. Do you have the time?" "Yeah. It's 6:34." The man rolled up the window and realized this could go on indefinitely. So he took paper and pen and made a sign which read: "I DO NOT KNOW THE TIME". He stuck the sign in the window and again nestled himself back in the seat. Then... yet another tap on the window. The man looked and sure enough, another jogger. He disgustedly rolled down the window and said, "Yeah, what is it? "The jogger replied, "It's 6:42." ___________________________ ok heres one once a rich business man was going on a ferryman's boat to cross the river. he asks him "have you read the bible" the ferryman says no. and then he says "25% of your life is wasted" then he asks him "have u ever gone to the opera" he says no. "then 50 % of your life is wasted" then suddenly the boat starts to sink and everyone is evacuating the boat by jumping into the water when the ferryman asks him "can u swim" he says no and the ferryman replies then 100% of your life is wasted!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Abeex Posted December 30, 2001 Share Posted December 30, 2001 A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. “Whales can’t swallow people,” the teacher said. “Even though they are large mammals, their throats are very small.” “But Jonah was swallowed by a whale,” the little girl replied. “That just can’t be,” the teacher said. “It’s physically impossible.” “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah,” said the little girl. The teacher looked down at her, smiled and asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?” The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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