Boba Rhett Posted January 19, 2002 Share Posted January 19, 2002 I found these very funny spoofs that are supposed to be the diaries kept by the characters in LotR. Read and enjoy! I'll post Aragorns' first. Next up will be Legolas' ___________________________________________ THE SECRET DIARY OF ARAGORN SON OF ARATHORN Day One: Ringwraiths killed: 4. V. good. Met up with Hobbits. Walked forty miles. Skinned a squirrel and ate it. Still not King. Day Four: Stuck on mountain with Hobbits. Boromir really annoying. Not King yet. Day Six: Orcs killed: none. Disappointing. Stubble update: I look rugged and manly. Yes! Keep wanting to drop-kick Gimli. Holding myself back. Still not King. Day Ten: Sorry no entries lately. V. dark in Mines of Moria. Big Baelrog. Not King today either. Day Eleven: Orcs killed: 7. V. good. Stubble update: Looking mangy. Legolas may be hotter than me. I wonder if he would like me if I was King? Day 28: Beginning to find Frodo disturbingly attractive. Have a feeling if I make a move, Sam would kill me. Also, hairy feet kind of a turn-off. Still not King. Day 30: In Lothlorien. Think Galadriel was hitting on me. Saucy wench. Nice chat with Boromir. He's not so bad. Took a shower. Yay! But still not King. Day 32: Orcs killed: none. Stubble update: subtly hairy. Legolas told me that a shadow and a threat had been growing in his mind. I think Legolas might be kinda gay. Nope, not King. Day 33: Orcs killed: Countless thousands. V. good. Boromir killed by Orcs. Bummer. Though he died bravely in my arms, am now quite sure that he was very definitely gay. Not so sure about Gimli either. RIP Boromir. Still not King, but at least Boromir seemed to think I was. Might however have been blood loss. Day 34: Frodo went to Mordor. Said he was going alone, but took Sam with him. Why? My God, is everyone in this movie gay but me? Not so sure about me either. Still not King, dammit. ====================================== Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Young David Posted January 19, 2002 Share Posted January 19, 2002 The fact that a movie/book doesn't have much females, and lesser sex doesn't mean that everyone in the movie is gay! Homosexual toughts weren't even in Tolkiens mind ... It appears that everything in our world today is based around sex ... tssss (Sorry if I took it too seriously ...) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gungan_Reble Posted January 19, 2002 Share Posted January 19, 2002 Hee he, sex can be very overated for the first seven years you could eat it, then you spend the rest of your life wishing the hell you had. Personally I find a good sunday blast out on my motorcycle, dose wonders for me. lol:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted January 19, 2002 Share Posted January 19, 2002 wow that was funny, esp the not king part every single day even if they talk about sex why does it have to gay stuff?? i cant wait for legolas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jedi_Knight Posted January 19, 2002 Share Posted January 19, 2002 lol that was funny come on rhett post another:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlyBOy Posted January 20, 2002 Share Posted January 20, 2002 Gay hobbits! thats funny! (i don't have anything against homosexuality, i just think it's funny....you know...gay hobbits and all) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SlashAndBurn Posted January 20, 2002 Share Posted January 20, 2002 HAH! That was great!!! Still not king yet.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wacky_Baccy Posted January 20, 2002 Share Posted January 20, 2002 ROFL :D Great stuff!! ...Post the next one, Rhett!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted January 20, 2002 Share Posted January 20, 2002 you know the reason why they see the hobbits as gay... in the 1950-1960 guys holding hands was a sign of friendship thats why many parts in the book say "they walked away hand in hand..." but nowadays thats seen as gay behavior for some reason Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted January 20, 2002 Author Share Posted January 20, 2002 Here's Legolas' Diary. Edited a tad for the youngins. The Secret Diary of Legolas, son of Weenus Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Was prettiest person there. Agreed to follow some tiny little man to Mordor to throw ring into volcano. Very important mission - gold ring so tacky. Day Four: Boromir so irritating. Why must he wear big shield like dinner plate all the time? Climbed up Caradhras but wimpy humans who cannot walk on snow insisted we climb back down. Am definitely prettiest member of the Fellowship. Go me! Day Six: Far too dark in Mines of Moria to brush hair properly. Am very afraid I am developing a tangle. Orcs so silly. Still the prettiest. Day Ten: Gandalf fell into shadow. In other news, I think I am developing a spot on my nose. V. serious situation, as Elven spots likely to last for 500 years or more. Still prettiest, despite blasted spot. Day Eleven: In Lothlorien. Suspect Galadriel may be prettier than me. Also, am quite sure she copied my hairstyle. I was wearing that same look at least 1,000 years ago. Silly woman. She was most annoyed that I used her mirrored fountain to take a nice bubble bath. I choose to ignore her claim that my hair clogged her drain. Not one strand of my hair has fallen out in 800 years, why would it start now? Still prettiest by far. Day 30: All this paddling about in boats is hell on my complexion. Aragorn obviously starting to find Frodo strangely attractive. Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Still the prettiest. Day 33 : Boromir tempted by Ring. So tedious. Cannot be tempted myself, as already have everything I want i.e. perfect hair and a butt like granite. Have been getting very strange letters from someone calling herself "Stacey" who wants to do obscene things to my elfhood. Fortunately have super-duper elf vision so can run away if I see her coming. Day 35: Boromir dead. Very messy death, most unnecessary. Did get kissed by Aragorn as he expired. Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? Boromir definitely not prettier than me. Cannot understand it. Am feeling a pout coming on. Frodo off to Mordor with Sam. Tiny little men caring about each other, rather cute really. Am quite sure Gimli fancies me. So unfair. His chunky braids and big helmet most offputting. Forsee dark times ahead, very dark times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artoo Posted January 21, 2002 Share Posted January 21, 2002 They think Legolas is sssoooooooooooooo fruity. It does make for a funny diary. It would be funnier if you could post it un-edited. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tie Guy Posted January 21, 2002 Share Posted January 21, 2002 Originally posted by Boba Rhett Does a guy have to get shot full of arrows around here to get any action? LOL!!! That's great Rhett, where'd you get it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wacky_Baccy Posted January 21, 2002 Share Posted January 21, 2002 :D ROFLMAO!!! :D Posted by Rhett Here's Legolas' Diary. Edited a tad for the youngins. What's the original like ??? Post a link to it, Rhett, go on! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted January 21, 2002 Author Share Posted January 21, 2002 I barely took out anything. Don't sweat it. Next up shall be Boromir. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wacky_Baccy Posted January 21, 2002 Share Posted January 21, 2002 Originally posted by Boba Rhett I barely took out anything. Don't sweat it. Next up shall be Boromir. Okay Good job + thanks for finding these for us all, Rhett, they're great fun Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FlyBOy Posted January 21, 2002 Share Posted January 21, 2002 :laughing: That entry was better than the first one!! These are great! Thanks Rhett! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zygomaticus Posted January 21, 2002 Share Posted January 21, 2002 doesnt look so pretty here does he Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted January 21, 2002 Author Share Posted January 21, 2002 Here's Boromirs'. Edited again for the youngins. _________________________________________ The Very Secret Diary of Boromir of Gondor Day One: Went to Council of Elrond. Aragorn acting all superior as usual. He thinks he's so great because he's getting that bit of elf crumpet on the side. I mean just because someone has a broad chest, firm, defined muscles, an outdoorsy tan and loads of manly stubble doesn't mean that .... what? Got distracted there for a bit. Seem to have agreed to go on some sort of mission while distracted by Aragorn's enormous ... rudeness. Ooops. Day Three Stupid Ring, stupid Quest, stupid Fellowship. Day Four Frodo dropped Ring today. Picked it up, but Aragorn made me give it back. Arrogant bast*rd. Wonder how he'd feel with Horn of Gondor shoved right up his... Stupid Ring. Day Four: Is obvious that Aragorn is strangely attracted to Frodo. Ha Ha! Ha! Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Day Six: Aragorn still into Frodo. "Boromir, give the Ring back to Froooodoo." "Boromir, let *me* carry Frodo up Caradhras." "Boromir, quit trying to cut off Frodo's head while he's asleep so you can get at the Ring." Blatant favoritism most annoying. Day Ten: Why isn't Aragorn into me ? Day Eleven: Carried Frodo out of Mines of Moria. Kind of liked it, actually. Hope am not turning into pervy hobbit-fancier like Uncle Windermir. Not after what happened to *him.* Merry and Pippin are cute little things, too... In other news, Gandalf died. Day 30: In Lothlorien. Galadriel quite a babe. Feel sure she was attracted to my rugged yet unwashed manliness. Legolas took a bath in her fountain. Got in trouble. Ha. Ha. Big elfy git. Am quite sure he dyes his hair. Also, he has spot on his nose. Aragorn suggested we take baths as well. Only realized in nick of time he did not mean with each other. Stupid Aragorn. Day 33 : Frodo being all weird about the Ring. Won't even let me look at it. Must admit I had a bit of a tussle with him trying to get a gander at it. Rolled around on him till he went invisible. Resisted urge to have a little cuddle (made easier when he punched me in the face.) Aragorn would be jealous. Ha! Day 35: Killed by orcs. Stupid orcs. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artoo Posted January 21, 2002 Share Posted January 21, 2002 From the foreshadowing of Day 4, I'm afraid to ask what Sam and Frodo's looks like. These are all very funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest SlashAndBurn Posted January 21, 2002 Share Posted January 21, 2002 :laughing: :laughing: :laughing: Where did you find these!!!!?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clefo Posted January 21, 2002 Share Posted January 21, 2002 Whats so funny about this? I mean, Homosexuality jokes are OLD! Think of something witty yeesh... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wacky_Baccy Posted January 21, 2002 Share Posted January 21, 2002 *Desperately tries to stifle powerful urge to ROFL cos it's 5a.m. here* ....... *...Fails miserably* :D:D ROFLMAO!!!!!! :D:D That's the best yet, Rhett!! :D Keep 'em coming!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted January 21, 2002 Author Share Posted January 21, 2002 There's not much more to poke fun at in LOTR. That's what's there so thats what's made fun of..... Are you in a bad mood, Clefo? Anyway, next up shall be Frodo Baggins.........fine, I'll post it tonight. _____________________________________________ THE VERY SECRET DIARY OF FRODO BAGGINS: Day One: Feeling much better in House of Elrond after nice long nap. Also, Sam gave me fabulous backrub and bubble bath. Platonic, brotherly love so wonderful. Wasn't quite entirely sure why he needed to suck on my toes, but am assured it has something to do with Elf medicine. Day Three Have agreed to carry Ring to Mordor. In hindsight, probably a bad move. Day Four Aragorn and Boromir had big fight over who got to carry me up Mount Caradhras. Aragorn shoved Boromir into snowbank. Boromir bit Aragorn on the ear. Ring must be affecting them more seriously than I thought. Day Six: Woke up to find Aragorn playing with buttons on my shirt. He must be after the Ring. Damn its siren call. Ah well, Sam will kill him if he tries anything. Day Ten: Today Legolas began stroking my inner thigh with his bow. Was stunned. Had no idea Legolas wanted the Ring too. It must truly be an object of awesome power. Day Eleven: Gandalf showed me very strange trick he can do. Apparently pointy wizard hat not just for show. Wonder if Ring is affecting him, or perhaps he is just v. peculiar. Day 24 : Finally feel rested. Is too dark in Mines of Moria for Aragorn to find me and pinch me as he has been doing lately. Gandalf fell into shadow. Was sad to see pointy hat go. Day 27 : Lothlorien so pretty. Galadriel pretty too. Offered her One Ring, but she kept saying, "No, there's something else I'd rather have from you, Frodo Baggins," and trying to slide foot up inside my breeches. So, gave her my extra pair of breeches since she seemed fond of them. Maybe some kind of breeches shortage in Lothlorien. Day 30 : Rowed all day in boats. V. tired. Merry and Pippin offered to give me a group massage. Nice to have such v. concerned friends. Glad Ring is not affecting them. Although did not need back rubbed quite so much, nor other parts. Pippin does remember we're cousins, right? Right? Day 33 : Boromir tried to take the Ring. Am not entirely certain, but am fairly sure he also tried to have a little cuddle. Was most unnerving, as Boromir quite huge. Day 36 : Everyone keeps hitting on me. Cannot cope. Off to Mordor. Sam coming too. Good thing, as will enable me to have more of those platonic, brotherly foot massages he's so good at. Am sad to leave rest of Company though, as found myself quite fancying Gimli. Chunky braids and huge helmet quite a turn-on. Ah, well, he never would have liked me anyway. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clefo Posted January 21, 2002 Share Posted January 21, 2002 I'm not in a bad mood... Okay those multiple GO STEELER threads are pissing me off... But I am NOT in a bad mood.. Jokes about flaming homosexuality don't click with me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Artoo Posted January 21, 2002 Share Posted January 21, 2002 :rofl: oooooohhhh, I feel sick... That just ties it all together. It makes it all truly funny. Gimli probably doesn't have one. He would be like a third person view of what is happening. Sam's is gonna be absolutely hilarious when I see it. Frodo's really tied it all together. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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