Ansible Posted July 17, 2002 Share Posted July 17, 2002 Here I will post all kinds of jokes found throughout the internet, joke books, ect. (I got a lot of time on my hands..j/k) -------------------------------------------------------------- A rather well-proportioned secretary, Joan, wanted to spend almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day but, on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan. She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs; she was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered little assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind you sunbathing on the roof but we would very much appreciate you wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel." "Not exactly," said the embarrassed little man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight." -------------------------------------------------------------- Twenty-eight years ago, Herman James, a Tennessee mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in boot camp, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon, an Army barber sheared his head. On his second day, the Army issued him a tooth brush. That afternoon, an Army dentist yanked several of his teeth. On his third day, he was issued a jock strap. . . The Army is still looking for him. -------------------------------------------------------------- This young man in the Old West wanted to be the best gunfighter alive. One night as he was sitting in a saloon, he spotted an old man who had the reputation of being the greatest gunfighter in his day. The young man walked up to the old man and told him his dream. The old man looked him up and down and said "I have a suggestion that is sure to help." "Tell me, tell me," said the young man. "Tie the bottom of your holster lower onto your leg." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" said the young man. "Definitely," the old man replied. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot the bow tie off the piano player. "Wow, that really helped. Do you have any more suggestions?" "Yeah, if you cut a notch in the top of your holster where the hammer hits, the gun will come out smoother." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "It sure will," said the old man. The young guy did what he was told and drew his gun and shot a cuff link off the sleeve piano player. "This is really helping me. Is there anything else you can share with me?" "One more thing," said the old man. "Get that can of axle grease over there in the corner and rub it all over your gun." The young fellow didn't hesitate but started putting the grease on the gun. "No, the whole gun, handle and everything." said the old man. "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "No," said the old man, "But when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that piano he's going to shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much." -------------------------------------------------------------- And that is just a little taste of what’s to come . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Yoda_623 Posted July 17, 2002 Share Posted July 17, 2002 Heh, some of those are pretty funny. I be sure to check for more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Clem Posted July 17, 2002 Share Posted July 17, 2002 mature?! that rules out like .... 90% of the forum we all immature little $%^'s in here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Knight Posted July 17, 2002 Share Posted July 17, 2002 ha ha ha but clem did say it right not many people will be reading them...lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
eben15 Posted July 17, 2002 Share Posted July 17, 2002 that deserves a smilie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ansible Posted July 17, 2002 Author Share Posted July 17, 2002 Glad you like them . ------------------------------------------------ An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers left, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, George W. Bush said, "I am the President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being the leader of nearly 300 million people, and a superpower, etc., and I am also the smartest president ever." So he takes the first parachute, and jumps out of the plane. The second passenger said, "I’m Rasheed Wallace, one of the best basketball players in the NBA, and the Portland Trailblazers need me, so I can’t afford to die." So he takes the second parachute, and leaves the plane. The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, says "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am New York’s Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world." So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane. The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy scout, "I am old and frail and I don’t have many years left, so as a Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute." The boy scout said, "It’s okay, there’s a parachute left for you. The world’s smartest president took my backpack." ------------------------------------------------ A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog takes the middle seat, and his handler explains that they work for the airline. "Don't mind Rover," the handler says, "he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne and I set him to work." The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search!" The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says, "Good boy!" He turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." "Fantastic!" replies the first man. Once again he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm. The handler says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number." "Wow!" says the first man. Once again, the handler sends the dog to search the aisles. Rover goes up and down the plane aisle and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back, jumps up onto the seat, and craps all over the place!!!!! The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks, "What the heck was THAT for???!!" The handler replies, "He just found a bomb." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Knight Posted July 17, 2002 Share Posted July 17, 2002 har har har those were pretty funny i like those ones Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitedragon Posted July 17, 2002 Share Posted July 17, 2002 ya got any more Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ansible Posted July 17, 2002 Author Share Posted July 17, 2002 Glad you all are enjoying these. ------------------------------------------- A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan. "What was that for?" he asked. "That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name MaryLou written on it," she replied. "Two weeks ago when I went to the races, MaryLou was the name of one of the horses I bet on," he explained. "Oh honey, I'm sorry," she said. "I should have known there was a good explanation." Three days later he was watching a ballgame on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, "What the hell was that for?" She replied "Your horse called." ------------------------------------------- Guy calls his horse rancher buddy and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse. "How will I recognize him?" his buddy asks. "That’s easy, he’s short and has a speech impediment" So, the man shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse. "A female horth." So, he shows him a prized filly. "Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?" So, the guy picks up the man and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over. "Nith eyeth, an I thee her earzth?" So, he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears. "Nith earzth. Can I see her mouf?" The rancher is gettin pretty pissed off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth. "Nice mouf. Can I see her twat?" Totally pissed at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arm and rams the mans head as far as he can up the horse’s twat, pulls him out and slams him on the ground. The man gets up, sputtering and coughing. "Perhapth I should rephrathe that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdle bit?" ------------------------------------------- A couple had been married for 25 years and also celebrated their 60th birthdays. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple all those years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her wand and boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well, I’d like to have a woman 30 years younger than me.” The fairy picked up her wand and boom! He was 90 ------------------------------------------- A man finally decides to go on the vacation of his life. He had been putting it off because he owned a prize winning cat and he also looked after his aging mother who lived next door. After much worrying he decided to leave his cat in his brother's care and take the vacation he'd so long put off. "OK," he told his brother "Take good care of my cat and check in on Mom every day." "Yeah, yeah," said the less responsible brother "I'll take care of everything, you just go on your stupid vacation." So the vacation started by him being dropped off at the airport by his now "responsible" brother. After two weeks the man returned from his trip and his brother picked him up at the airport. Getting into the car the man immediately asked "How's my cat doing?" "Your cat's dead." came the reply from his brother. "WHAT?" asked the man in total shock. "I said Your cat's dead." said the brother. "My God man, don't you have any feelings?" said the man in disbelief. "You don't just blurt out something like that!" "Well," said the brother "What should I say then?" "You should break news like that slowly and allow time for the person hearing it to prepare themselves for the shock...not just 'your cat's dead" came the reply. "OK, Like how?" asked the non feeling brother. "Well, this, 'Your cat was sitting on the window sill watching some birds outside, and he went out on the roof to try to catch them and accidentally fell off the roof and unfortunately he died." See, how it allows me time to anticipate that something might be wrong and to prepare myself for something unexpected? It's not so much of a shock that way." said the now grieving brother. "So try to be a little more considerate of others feelings, OK?" "OK," said the brother "I'm sorry I broke it to you that way." "OK," said the ex-cat owner "Now, let's try to get back to some normalcy. How's Mom?" "Well," said the brother "Mom was sitting on the window sill watching some birds...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ansible Posted July 17, 2002 Author Share Posted July 17, 2002 Well, these are the last jokes for two weeks (going on vacation). ------------------------------------------ A Crappy Date: Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage. Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night. Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back. Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can't make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn't want to cancel the date, because he's afraid he won't ever talk to her again. So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees. They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn't want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up. He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy. On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap. Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks. "No problem, I'd like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men's fashions are on the right, women's fashions are on the left. They split up. Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn't see him buying the pants. He doesn't even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl. "Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK." He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater. ------------------------------------------ "Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve, “It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "****! THAT'S the word!” ------------------------------------------ A Scottish tourist attended his first baseball game in the US and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring "Run....Run!" The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!" A third batter hits a slam and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!" The next batter steadfastly holds his swing four times and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up and yells "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment, whispers to the Scotsman, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!" ------------------------------------------ Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed. Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either." ------------------------------------------ One day, a blonde named Sally was putting together a puzzle. She was really stumped and very frustrated, so she decided to ask her husband for help. ''It's supposed to be a tiger!'' Sally cried. ''Honey," said Dan, "Put the Frosted Flakes back in the box!'' ------------------------------------------ A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!'' ------------------------------------------ Well that should hold you off for two weeks, see you all soon . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SharaFett Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 ok so this guy's at a bar and he reads a sign: free drinks for the month to the man who can pass the three tests. this guy figures, what the hell, i'll give it a shot. so he asks the bartender about the three tests: bartender: ok, test #1. you have to have 6 double-shots of this special jalepeno taquilla i made. test #2: you then ahve to go outside where theere's an alligator with a bad tooth. you have to pull that gator's tooth out. test #3: my niece is upstairs. she's butt-ugly and has never been pleasured. you need to go up there and show her a good time. so this guy has the 6 double-shots. by now, he's piss-drunk. he goes outside to the alligator. 10 minutes later he steps back into the bar and says, "ok, now where's that chick with the bad tooth? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Knight Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 i like the one about the church and stuf that one wwas really good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyth'emos Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 A masochist walk into a bar... several times. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Divine Spirit Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion. So I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In University I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency, she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 21 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 25 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and flirted with everyone she met. She made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some ambition. When I turned 28, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now 30 and am looking for a girl with big ****. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Seeker Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 A guy is sitting in a bar sipping at his beer and says to the barkeep, "I bet you five bucks that I can tell you how old this beer is." the bartender replys " You're on." 'this beer is two months old" the man declares "Thats pretty good, lets try this again, double or nothing." so, the barkeep pours the man a glass scotch from under the counter. The man takes a drink and says: "Fifteen years old" "Alright mister," the barkeep replies. "one more time" So, he goes into the back and brings back another glass. The man tastes the wine and without hesitating says: "Fifty-Two years old" "Amazing", the barkeep says, "Last time for everything." So, the barkeep goes into the back again, and after a short while, comes back glass in hand and sets it on the counter. The man, now feeling cocky, throws the drink back and promptly spits it out "Holy sh*t man, that tastes like p*ss!" he screames. "Yeah," the barkeep replies, "how old am I?" ____________________________________________________ A man leaves his apartment, bound for his therapist wearing nothing but cling wrap underware. He enters the waiting room and the receptionist promptly brings him to the doctors office. After a moment, the doctor enters the room and stands stock still. He eyes the man up and down once, then pauses momentarily. After the long silence the shrink looks the man in the eye and says: "Well sir, right away I can clearly see you're nuts." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitedragon Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 a man has just had his 7th child and he wants to go to the doctor and get a vasectamy(i think thats how you spell it) and the doctor says "its a simple problem you just put a m-80 in a can light it put it next to your ear and count to ten on your fingers" the man did not know how this would help but he did it any way. so he put the m-80 in a can and lit it "1-2-3-4-5" he couldent count with the can in his other hand so he put the can between his legs "6-7-8" and you know what happens after that:eek: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obi Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 Why Picard doesn't let Worf play with Phasers: Data: Sir, the bad guys are shooting at us. Picard: Fire at will! Worf vaporizes Riker. Picard: Not Will Riker! WOrf vaporizes Wesly. Picard: Not Wil Wheaton either! The aliens! Shoot the aliens! Worf vaporizes Troi. Picard: oy vey........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Knight Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 ha ha ha ha ha ha lol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth-Nasty Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 great jokes! i demand more! i see this becoming the funniest of all threads Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
whitedragon Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 Originally posted by Darth-Nasty great jokes! i demand more! i see this becoming the funniest of all threads too bad its not going fast enough. 8-9 *BAM* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Divine Spirit Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 Originally posted by obi-wan13 Why Picard doesn't let Worf play with Phasers: :rofl: very good stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KordKelly Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 A farmer buys a prize bull to stud his two award winning cows. He tells his son to keep an eye on the cows, and let him know when "Anything Happens." A little while later, the boy comes running up the trail... "PAW!!! PAW!!! The bulljust F****d the brown cow!!!" Agahst, the farmer corrects his son: "That's not the correct way to talk. We have Parson Browne coming for lunch today. If anything else happens in the pasture, just say 'the bull suprised the white cow." Parson Browne comes for his visit, and they have a delightful lunch. After they eat, the farmer, his wife and Parson Browne are sitting on the front porch relaxing when they hear the farmer's son running up the path "PAW!!!PAW!!!" "I know," the farmer says to the excited youngster, "the bull just suprised the white cow, didn't he?" "He sure did, he just f****d the brown one again!" --------------------------------- A man and woman in their 80's decide to get married. Before the ceremony, they decide to have a complete physical to ensure their honeymoon will be a memorable one. The man's physical goes off without a hitch. The woman comes out of the office a little dejected. "How'd it go?" asked the man. "OK I guess..." she replies,"But the Doctor says I have Acute Angina." "That's good," he says, "'cause you've got terrible legs." ----------------------------------- A Lady and her son a re flying from LAX to Chicago. The boy turns to his mother and asks "Mommy, if big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats, why don't big planes make little planes?" "well, um...er..." his mother stammers, "Why don't you ask the stewardess, she'll explain it to you." When the stewardess comes by, the boy asks her "Miss? If big dogs make little dogs and big cats make little cats, why don't big planes make little planes?" A bit embarassed, the stewardess asks "Did your mommy tellyou to ask me this?" "Yes." the boy replies. "Well, big planes don't make little planes because this is Southwest Airlines and we always pull out on time. Now go ask your mom to explain that!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth-Nasty Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 Originally posted by Jubatus Got a nasty one yes most definatly Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
obi Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 How many Cardassians does it take to screw in a light bulb? They are still trying to figure out how many lights they have! hahaha! (TNG episode: Chain of Command) I asked Worf: "WHy did the chicken cross the road?" and he said: "Klingon chickens do not cross roads." Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.............Don't hate me, I'm cool. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyth'emos Posted July 18, 2002 Share Posted July 18, 2002 Originally posted by obi-wan13 How many Cardassians does it take to screw in a light bulb? They are still trying to figure out how many lights they have! hahaha! (TNG episode: Chain of Command) I asked Worf: "WHy did the chicken cross the road?" and he said: "Klingon chickens do not cross roads." Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha.............Don't hate me, I'm cool. Neither of those made sense to me, though I don't believe I remember Chain of Command. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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