Marth Posted June 11, 2003 Share Posted June 11, 2003 ok those were really really good :D 3 men on a raft were able to cross the shore by saying any kind of creature, turning into it and changing back. the 1st man said Bass so he changed to a bass and swam across shore and changed back the 2nd man said Bear so he changed to a bear crossed the shore and changed back on the other side. the 3rd man came and was about to say his creature when he hurt his foot and said "s***" so he changed to s*** and unfortunately went down the stream and down the waterfall! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reborn Outcast Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 Here are some funny "quotes" I was so poor growing up ... If I wasn't born a boy .... I'd have nothing to play with. A girl phoned me the other day and said "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home. It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom. I was such an ugly kid .... When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio. I'm so ugly ... My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet. When I was born ... the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry .... We did everything we could ...But he pulled through. I'm so ugly ... I worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get. Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ... "Do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
coupes. Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 My mom's so short she needs a ladder to clean the floor! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 This is a cracker: Male comebacks to female comebacks to male pick up lines - Man - Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman - Yes, that's why I don't go there anymore. Man - Really? I heard it was because everyone there calls you a fat slut. Man - Is this seat empty? Woman - Yes, and this one will be if you sit down. Man - There's no need to get on your knees and suck on my c*ck just yet, we've only just met!!! Man - Your place or mine? Woman - Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine. Man - That's cool, cause after I'm done shagging you in the back of my car, I don't give a sh*t where you go. Man - So, what do you do for a living? Woman - I'm a female impersonator. Man - That explains the moustache then! Man - How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman - Unfertilised. Man - No problem, I'll just shoot my load up your arse. Man - I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman - But would you stay there? Man - Probably, cause you seem like the kind of chick who is impossible to shake off once you've been shagged. and this is the best........... Man - You're pretty Woman - Piss off. Man - Don't interrupt, you're pretty ugly, you fat bitch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 Those are ... questionable.... but oh well. **** He/she was so dumb... ..she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept. ..he sent me a fax with a stamp on it. ..she thought a quarterback was a refund. ..he tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order. ..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. ..he thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools. ..she thought General Motors was in the army. ..he thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats. ..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday. ..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics." ..he tripped over a cordless phone. ..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate." ..he told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK." ..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here," she put "Sagittarius." ..he asked for a price check at the Dollar Store. ..she studied for a blood test. ..he thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train." ..he sold the car for gas money! ..when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead. ..when he went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," he turned around and went home. ..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved. ..he thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company. ..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless. ..he thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening. ..she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for "This Goes In Front." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened. "Well, it was like this," said the man, "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife when she sliced her ball into a pasture of cows. We went to look for it and while I was rooting around, I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball--stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake." "What did you do?" asks the doctor."Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!' :D ..... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Echuu Shen-Jon Posted June 12, 2003 Share Posted June 12, 2003 Bill Gates said in 19 cucumber: 640 KB RAM is enough for everybody!!! He must've forgotten this while developing Windows XP Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 >In front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge wall > > of clocks behind him. > She asked, "What are all those clocks?" > St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on > Earth > has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your > clock > will move." > "Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?" > "That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved > indicating that she never told a lie." > "Whose clock is that?" > "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only moved > twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in his entire > life." > Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?" > "Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling > fan." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 My thought for the day: "Never buy a dwarf with learning difficulties, it's not big and it's not clever" Mwah Ha ha! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 We are told that if automotive technology progressed at the same pace as computer technology, we would have economy cars weighing 30 pounds getting 1,000 miles to a gallon of gas, with a cost of less than $50.00. But, would you really want to drive a car that crashes about 10 times a day? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 Foreword: Apologies to anyone who doesn't follow footy. Ryan Giggs walks into the Man. Utd. dressing room one day with his new thermos flask. "Oi! Giggsy! whats' that u've got there?" Asks David Beckham. "Well David, it's me new thermos flask." replies Giggsy. "Whats' that do then?" Asks Beckham, fascinated. "Its' something I use to keep any hot food i've got hot, and cold food cold, 'cos I really enjoy a cup of tea after training." "I'm gonna get myself one then!" Says Becks. "Good for you David!" Next week in the Man. Utd. dressing room Beckham walks in: "Oi! Giggsy! Look what i've got!" Exclaims Becks. Sure enough David has himself a shiny new thermos flask. "Great David, What have you got in it?" Asks Giggsy. "Oh, my coffee and my ice-cream!" Heh Heh... :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 One day a man went to an auction. While there, he bid on an exotic parrot. He really wanted this bird, so he got caught up in the bidding. He kept on bidding, but kept getting outbid, so he bid higher and higher and higher. Finally, after he bid way more than he intended, he won the bid - the fine bird was finally his! As he was paying for the parrot, he said to the Auctioneer, "I sure hope this parrot can talk. I would hate to have paid this much for it, only to find out that he can't talk!" "Don't worry", said the Auctioneer, "He can talk. Who do you think kept bidding against you?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 Paddy and Mick are walking along the street when all of sudden Mick falls down an open manhole. "Mick! Are you alright?!" Paddy Shouts. "Aye, fine. But it's awful dark down here! Can you throw us a match to see where the ladder is for this bloody thing?" "Sure thing Mick mate, here ya go!" Says Paddy as he tosses a match to his pal. "Hey! Paddy! this bleedin' match is'nt working, throw us another!" So Paddy casts another match down the sewer. "What the bloody hell are you playing at Paddy. This one's not workin' either!" And Paddy says: "Well they were workin fine when I used 'em!" :D .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 The farmer And His Chickens ... > > > > A farmer goes out one day and buys a brand new stud > > rooster for his chicken coop. The new rooster > > struts over to the old rooster and says, Ok old > > fart, time for you to retire." > > > > The old rooster replies, "Come on, surely you cannot > > handle ALL of these chickens. Look what it has done > > to me. Can't you just let me have the two old hens > > over in the corner?" > > > > The young rooster says, "Beat it! you are all washed > > up and I'm taking over." > > > > The old rooster says, "I tell you what, young stud. > > I will race you around the farmhouse. Whoever wins > > gets the exclusive domain over the entire chicken > > coop.." > > > > The young rooster laughs, "You know you don't stand > > a chance old man, so just to be fair I will give you > > a head start." The old rooster takes off running. > > About 15 seconds later the young rooster takes off > > running after him. They round the front porch of > > the farmhouse and the young rooster has closed the > > gap. He is already about 5 inches behind the old > > rooster and gaining fast. > > > > The farmer, meanwhile, is sitting in his usual spot > > on the front porch when he sees the roosters running > > by. He grabs up his shotgun and BOOM!, he blows the > > young rooster to bits. > > > > > > The farmer sadly shakes his head and says, "Damn it, > > that's the third gay rooster I bought this month." > > > > > > Moral of this story ... Don't mess with the OLD FARTS! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 A Scotsman, Englishman and Irishman are strolling through a park one night when they notice a helter-skelter. Not remembering it being there before they approach it, and a shadowy figure pops out from behind it. "Good evening gentlemen. This before you is a magical slide. Tell it what you want when sliding down and you will land in it when you reach the bottom." Amazed, the Englishman bounds up the stairs and begins sliding down shouting: "NAKED WOMEN!" and sure enough slides into a group of naked ladies. The Scotsman then excitedly runs up the stairs and slides down shouting: "LAGER!" and splashes into a great pool of cool lager. Then the Irishman leaps up the stairs and thrusts himself down shouting: "WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" :D .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 This really happened... My wife and I had taken our two children to a popular children's movie and the theatre was filling up. Just before the movie started, another family with small children came in and the only remaining seats were in the very front row. As the father was coaxing his children to walk across the row to sit down, a now quiet and dark theatre heard one child plainly say, "But Dad, we can't sit in front. What about the air bags?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 A blind man walks into a supermarket and picks his guide dog up and begins swinging it above his head by the leash. Horrified, a store clerk runs up to him: "Sir! Sir! What are you doing!!!" And the blind man replies: "Oh, just having a look around." :D .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thrackan Solo Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 What do you get when you mix a cow and a earthquake? A milkshake! HAHAHAHAHAH :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Echuu Shen-Jon Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 I know it, I know it!!! A milkshake :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 Long ago, there lived a sailor named Captain Bravo. He was a manly man's man, who showed no fear when facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the Seven Seas, his lookout spotted a pirate ship. The crew became frantic! Captain Bravo bellowed, "Bring me my red shirt!" The first mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, and while wearing the brightly colored frock, the Captain led his crew into battle and defeated the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the day's triumph. One of them asked the captain, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle?" The captain replied, "If I had been wounded in the attack, the shirt would not have shown my blood. Thus, you men would continue to fight, unafraid." All of the men sat and marveled at both the courage and intelligence of such a manly man's man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching! The crew stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual brilliant orders. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his ship, and without fear, turned and calmly shouted, "Get me my brown pants." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 A wealthy young man was told by his father he had to pick a girl to be his wife, so he found three beautiful women and brought them before his son. "I have a question for you all." said the young man. "If I was to give you £1000 to spend, what would you spend it on?" The first girl answers: "I would spend it on lots of designer clothes for you." The second girl answers: "I would buy you a massive surround sound home cinema system." The third girl answers: "I would buy you a short holiday in the Carribean" Which Girl did he pick? The one with the big tits! :D .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 An airline pilot with poor eyesight managed to pass his periodic vision exams by memorizing the eye charts beforehand. One year, though, his doctor used a new chart that the pilot had never before seen. The pilot proceeded to recite the old chart and the doctor realized that he'd been suckered all these years. The the doctor could not contain his curiosity. "How is it that someone with your eyesight can manage to pilot a plane at all? I mean, how for example do you taxi the plane out to the runway?" "Well," said the pilot, "it's really not very hard. All you have to do is follow the instructions of the ground controller over the radio. And besides, the landmarks have all become quite familiar to me over the years." "I can understand that," replied the doctor. "But what about the take-off?" "Again, a simple procedure. I just aim the plane down the runway, go to full throttle, pull back on the stick, and off we go!" "But once you're aloft?" "Oh, everything's fully automated these days. The flight computer knows our destination, and all I have to do is hit the autopilot and the plane pretty much flies itself." "But I still don't see how you land!" "Oh, that's the easiest part of all. All I do is use the airport's radio beacon to get us on the proper glide path. Then I just throttle down and wait for the co-pilot to yell, 'AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!' pull the nose up, and the plane lands just fine!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lightsaberboy Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 What did one wookie say to the other? AROROROWAOROWORAOORWOOAOOOWWRARRR!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 Heh.... right... **** A local priest and rabbi were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, "The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it's too late!" and showed it to each passing car. One driver that drove by didn't appreciate the sign and shouted at them: "Leave us alone, you religious nuts!" All of a sudden they heard a big splash. They looked at each other and the priest said to the rabbi, "You think we should just put up a sign that says 'Bridge Out' instead?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BawBag™ Posted June 15, 2003 Share Posted June 15, 2003 Two Nun's are out for a leisurely stroll one evening, when a flasher jumps out from behind a bush out whips out his tackle. "Oh Sister Angela! What shall we do?!" "Do not panic Sister Dorothy - simply show this messenger of satan your cross!" Then Sister Angela walks up to the man: "LISTEN MISTER - PUT THAT F*CKING THING AWAY!" Ho Ho Ho! :D ... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.