Doubleplus GC Posted November 17, 2002 Share Posted November 17, 2002 I recently remembered our glory days when we would share each others' mail. Here's a list of analogies and metaphors that have appeared in the essays of America's students: > Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its 2 other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. > Sue Lin Chong, Washington > His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free. > Chuck Smith, Woodbridge > He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a Guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it. > Joseph Romm, Washington > Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. > Chuck Smith, Woodbridge > Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center. > Russell Beland, Springfield > Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake. > Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills > Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. > Unknown > He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. > Jack Bross, Chevy Chase > The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease. > Gary F. Hevel, Silver Spring > Long separated by cruel fate, star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. > Jennifer Hart, Arlington > A politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can. > Wayne Goode, Madison,AL > They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth. > Paul Kocak, Syracuse NY > John & Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. > Russell Beland, Springfield > The thunder was ominous sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play. > Barbara Fetherolf, Alexandria > The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon. > Unknown > He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River. > Brian Broadus, Charlottesville > Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut. > Sandra Hull, Arlington > The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of "Jeopardy!" > Jean Sorensen, Herndon > Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. > Jerry Pannullo, Kensington > The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work. > Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington > The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. > Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington > "Oh, Jason, take me!" she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night. > Bonnie Speary Devore, Gaithersburg > He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck either, but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a land mine or something. > John Kammer, Herndon > Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can't Believe It's Not Butter. > Barbara Collier, Garrett Park > She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up. > Susan Reese, Arlington > It came down the stairs looking very much like something no one had ever seen before. > Marian Carlsson, Lexington > The knife was as sharp as the tone used by Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Tex.) in her first several points of parliamentary procedure made to Rep. Henry Hyde (R-Ill.) in the House Judiciary Committee hearings on the impeachment of President William Jefferson Clinton. > J. F. Knowles, Springfield > The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant. > Jennifer Hart, Arlington > The revelation that his marriage of 30 yrs had disintegrated because of his wife's infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM. > Paul J. Kocak, Syracuse > The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium. > Unknown > It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. > Brian Broadus, Charlottesville > He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. > Susan Reese, Arlington > She was as easy as the "TV Guide" crossword. > Tom Witte, Gaithersburg > Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser. > Chuck Smith, Woodbridge > She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef. > Brian Broadus, Charlottesville > She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. > Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park > Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first- generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. > Sue Lin Chong, Washington > It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. > Brian Broadus, Charlottesville I have a few favorites in here. I think I'm gonna write a short story inspired by this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alien426 Posted November 20, 2002 Share Posted November 20, 2002 Me favorites be: > Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its 2 other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. > Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. > Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever. > He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. > Long separated by cruel fate, star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph. > John & Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met. > The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. > He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. > She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. > It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scabb Posted November 20, 2002 Share Posted November 20, 2002 Best thread ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chrisakachris Posted November 23, 2002 Share Posted November 23, 2002 Good AND nostalgic! I really like this stuff. What's nice is that I can see Tom Robbins writing some of this in one of his novels. I wanted to post about Jitterbug Perfume (wonderful!!), but is it just me or have some threads disappeared? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gabez Posted November 24, 2002 Share Posted November 24, 2002 Fantastic. Great for quoting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
psitron Posted November 28, 2002 Share Posted November 28, 2002 Too bad I'm out of school. My English teacher would have loved these... just as much as I loved her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doubleplus GC Posted December 2, 2002 Author Share Posted December 2, 2002 Thanks for the props, folks, but I was hoping that other people could share their inexplicable mail. I really need to get Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
scabb Posted December 2, 2002 Share Posted December 2, 2002 Hey Psitron. I don't have quotes emailed to me on a regular basis, so it's difficult to contribute. On another note, It would be interesting to review if the colour of these boards had any influence on how people posted, now that it's changed. But it would be difficult too. And yes, that came from nowhere. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doubleplus GC Posted December 14, 2002 Author Share Posted December 14, 2002 Subject: Republicans Good morninng. You wanted a copy of this: Reuters - "The White House announced today that it is changing its emblem to a condom because it more clearly reflects the Republican Party's political stance. A condom accepts inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually getting screwed." Got this in the mail forwarded from my mom (!!!). The typo belongs to whoever started the FW chain. Enjoyed it, I hope you have. Reminds me of that time I used a public restroom and saw "Bush political party hats" graffiti'd on the seat covers. I liked that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.