<span class="ipsBadge ipsBadge_icon ipsBadge_positive" data-ipsTooltip title='Pinned'> The Critic&#039;s 2 cents

Knights of the Old Republic-Prelude

Casualties of War

Kian

Pre KOTOR above an unnamed planet: We look at full day for the Jedi Admiral

The piece is something rare, a slice of life showing the regular routine of our heroine. Well written and understated. Having her call Malak 'Squint' is a nice touch, and an explanation of where she had gotten the mask as well.

Long Day

Tatooine92

Three plus years Post KOTOR: Admiral Onasi returns to his home late

Like the piece before it, this is just a slice of life rather than an adventure. Carth doing his job, Lire (Revan) sitting at home, waiting for him. Simple domestic bliss.

Always By His Jacket

Onasilvslv

Pre KOTOR: How Carth ended up with that hideous Jacket

The piece is a slice of life like the ones above, this time linking to Carth's jacket. The piece is fun, with a lot of parent related fun.

Pick of the Week

Doomed

Plutospawn

KOTOR unique version: Revan as a thirteen year old?

It reminds me of the Buzz LightYear episode where the team has juvenile evil enemies. The last though by Bastila, that the galxy is doomed, was too choice.

Pick of the Week

TheJadedHeart

16 months post KOTOR: As Revan searches the Unknown Regions, and Canderous waits patiently, Bastila tries to get on with her life.

Remember to sight edit; you used there instead of their, and braking instead of breaking. Also, in the sentence, 'It was us that assigned you to the mission.' it should be 'we that assigned.'. Also check punctuation; several times you made statements questions and vice versa.

The piece tended to ramble a bit, and the Darth he finally encounters comes across more as a petulant child.

The Veteran and the Novice

Anamya-209

Post TSL: Two men that fell for Jedi meet by chance

Remember to sight edit, because a spell checker will ignore words that are properly spelled, but misplaced. You used surly(Irritated) instead of surely(to be guaranteed)

For some reason I thought it was Atton, especially when you figure most good poker players will pretend they don't know the game, and I am sure Pazaak players are the same.

A clean little slice of life and love.

Pick of the Week

Pushed to the Edge of Subtle Irony

Malak The Untold Story

Phoenixascending

Pre KOTOR: Lord Voldemort, a pink shaving razor and women's underwear?

The piece goes from point to point so quickly that you are surprised. Adding Lord Voldemort was bit confusing, and the underwear never adequately explained...

Swimming Among the Stars

Silverwings16

No Specific Era given: A pair of adventurers accept an assignment

The piece is fun, with two people who aren't tightly wrapped accepting an oddball assignment. The characters are great, the situation a lot of fun.

Pick of the Week

Cable Fraga

Pre KOTOR: Revan prepares herself for death, but death is not what happens

The piece had an interesting aspect in that the Council sends what amounts to a hit team to capture Revan. The piece ends on an interesting note, Revan expecting Malak's attack, even welcoming it. Only Bastila stops her from dying, and this begins our adventure.

Tales of KOTOR: Perdition's Path

Dante-Raven

Pre KOTOR: When Revan falls, she is unwilling to go alone

We see here a truly twisted take on Revan; slaughtering those who fought along side her, and crippling Malak, but making him think the Jedi had done it to him. A good look into a disturbed mind.

Pick of the Week

Her Sacrifice

Kuramas Girl Angel

TSL ongoing: The Exile tries to deal with her emotions

Remember to sight edit, you used walk instead of walked. You also left words out some times 'read mind' at one point, making me wonder if Atton wanted to read (her) mind or to read mind(s).

On the technical level your writing is adequate, and the characters clearly defined. If you need more information on the force go to the Lucasforums overall site, and follow Knights of the Old Republic-Coruscant entertainment center-resource center- thoughts on the Force where I give a generic explanation of how Midi-chlorians are connected to the Force and how the Force operates.

Seven chapter. Only read the first two, but it was looking good.

Bittersweet Victory

Alexandra 3

Originally reviewed over at Kotorfanmedia in July 2007, that review is below:

The flight from the Star Forge: Every victory has its price.

The piece could use some editing. It’s gritted her teeth, not grit them.

One of the many possible ends of this battle. I loved the writer’s work as I hated the story line. Too good for words.

Reprise Pick of the Week

machievelli · February 20, 2012

STAR WARS : RETURN OF THE SITH (Second edition)

The Great Purge

Christos200

100 plus years post TSL: The Jedi step out of character...

The basics are a problem, because as Msficwriter (Who I assume posted the Yes you're right vote in the thread that was deleted) pointed out, you have made the Jedi as bad as the Sith.

Regardless of your argument, remember; the Jedi council did not interfere when Revan led his contingent out to fight. They did not send hit teams to kill him and Malak, and they did not simply assassinate the Exile when She (My own Exile) returned then refused to simply knuckle under. Yet you have them ordering mass murder 'to make sure there is not a third Sith war'. You're Jedi council is using the same rationale a Sith council (If it is not an oxymoron) would use.

Didn't joined neither should be 'joined neither' it should be hid, not hided. You also have your character just sitting around blindly waiting for the hit team to arrive, rather than doing the sensible thing which would be to run like hell when you know they might be coming after you.

I was not going to get into this, but I feel I must.

Technical notes:

1)There is no visibly recognizable taint to verify who can and cannot use the Force until you reach the Sith Lord level. Emperor Palpatine was able to work for what amounted to decades within the Senate without detection, and even after killing four Jedi did not show the stereotypical gray skin and red eyes until after his attempt to defeat Master Windu caused him to expend a lot of energy in one shot.

2)Define Force User. You have to remember that while the Jedi order is small, there would be those without enough capability to actually become knights. After all, you have the Conservation Corps. Look at my own Return from Exile

http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=168405&page=5 specifically posting 165 where I do a basic dissertation regarding how many nascent Jedi slip through the cracks.

So where do you draw the line? At the 2800 odd count I listed as the high point for 'not good enough', or the 4500+ I say is a Jedi? Those below that level would still be Force users, though on the level of maybe doing a trick or two. They would also end up on your hit parade.

3)So picture this as the scenario using Earth as the planet: in secret session the Supreme Court of the United States determines one small group is a danger that must be destroyed, so they order the CIA to carry out the executions.

Now why did I choose this example? Because like the Supreme Court, the Jedi are part of the judicial branch, and have no political or military authority. When we see them, (Except for when they go as ambassadors to the Trade Federation and when they were generals during the war) they are an over-glorified RCMP. Every other time you see them they are acting as policemen. I use the CIA as the actual instrument of the purge because while everyone pictures them as a monolithic organization, the CIA does not have hundreds and thousands of hit men on the payroll; they use what are called 'assets' or 'kites', men hired in whatever country to do the dirty work. That includes the US when it comes to being hired.

Also, picture this; on this planet a third of the nations are our allies or friends. Of the rest, another third put up with us because we don't interfere with their actions, and the remainder hate our guts. Do you think Iran or North Korea will welcome your hit teams with open arms? What about Korriban or the Sith Homeworlds?

Yet the Galaxy is divided along about that amount in the SW galaxy. What right would we (The US) have to send hunter-killer teams into say Argentina, which is not an ally, not an enemy, yet does not have an extradition treaty with us? In SW the same could be said of any corporate owned planet or Hutt owned one.

4)Finally, the only Force Users the Jedi could verify to begin your purge would be those that had been identified by the order itself before the purge order is issued, meaning ones they had identified as force users, then turned away because of age or temperament from their own records of the last 90 odd years. In other words your are ordering the deaths of those the order did not consider worthy of training whether they were informed of this or not.

Christos200

100 years post TSL: Events unfold

Characterization is almost nonexistent. There is little or no description. The one possibly good scene you have, when Helena has to give up Christos comes across as wooden, with almost no emotion. Even in the script form you're using, there are ways to show emotion beyond exclamation points.

While you have dialogue for Harr, I am willing to bet that if you read the script of the movies themselves, they would only have dialogue like 'Chewie growls' or in the medbay scene from TESB, 'Chewie gives a series of grunst that sounds like someone laughing'.

If you need, I can give you some pointers in these, since they are technical problems rather than being bad writing.

'I have gone with my friends on a bar' should be 'to' a bar.

You need to work on pacing The battle scenes need more than 'they attack, hero does this, and they die'. You have Christos fall a bit too quickly (Before you comment, that scene was one of three that I failed to believe in ROTS, that he would fall then a scene later have him slaughtering children, and having the Emperor arrive in time to save Anakin from becoming more of a crispy critter).

Plus you're 'we care about the people' from a Sith lord, doesn't quite work.

SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: Experiment

Msficwriter

Part 7 of an ongoing TOR story: The heroine discovers what the enemy plans for her.

Having been keeping track and enjoying this work, I knew about the enhancement suggested, and when Pfon begins the procedure, I am struck by how he is a mixture of Doctor Mengele and the men from the Manhattan Project.

It is a little known historical fact (Unless you read my KOTOR Excerpts) that before the first atomic bomb was set off, some of the scientists had suggested the theoretical possibility that a nuclear blast could ignite the atmosphere not only there, but world wide. Yet they set it off anyway on 16 July 1945.

Pfon comes across like that. He is indifferent to what will happen beyond seeing what his experiment will do, and whether it kills the heroine or makes her so powerful that she will destroy the Sith is incidental to that equation.

Pick of the Week

The Adventures of Theta 583 the Sarcastic Clone

Shines

Neonai

Pre KOTOR on Malachor V: The newly born Lord of Hunger bites off more than he can chew.

Even though I was running late, I felt I had to read the entire thing, and I am glad I did. The only negatives I could see was when Vander fell into 'yoda-speak' which the character never did in the game and using prostate instead of prosthesis. After all, the prostate is in another part of the male human body...

Here we have Nihilus literally fed to repletion and more, so he collapses like someone who tried to stuff himself at a buffet, with food being rammed down his throat, overloading him. In my own Return from Exile over at lucasforums I instead made the Exile have a power similar to Nihilus, so that the attempt to feed is rebuffed, then draining him almost to death while taking all he had gained from his crew (Who were all dying from the slow drain) and returning it to them before Visas is allowed to end his misery.

And how Malak lost his jaw in the bargain!

Pick of the Week

GaisciochDeEirinn

SW Battlefront parody: What would the characters say on the screen if they could?

You slipped and forgot conversation breaks at one point. Just remember to sight edit.

The piece is satirical and outrageous. The clone complaining every time he gets an order, the pair of additional clones who start with 'we're twins' as if every clone is not a genetic match. Shooting the wrong target because as he points out logically, a spider has eight legs, not four. The really sappy ending. What's not to like?

It reminds me of Marvin the Paranoid Android from the Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy, crossed with a commercial run almost 20 years ago where the character in one of the racing games gets upset with the grandma trying to play it, ending it with, 'and will you turn the turn signal off!'

Pick of the Week

Things That Never Change

Phantom6612

Post KOTOR: A dream causes a flashback when Revan awakes.

The piece is short, but fun to read. I just wonder if the commander from her dream had also shown a bare backside to our heroine?

Not Too Amused

DiskoBox

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Dealing with her emotions for Carth, Revan finally breaks through

The piece sort of drifts along, her irritation with Mission at the thoughts she is having amusing the girl immensely. Her burgeoning emotions run head on into the wall of the Jedi beliefs and wins.

Force Connection

GreenGrass1914

TSL on Dantooine: At the last moment, Vrook sees the truth.

The piece is excellent because you look into the hearts of the last three masters facing their old student. As in my own Return from Exile, there is no black hole inside the Exile, rather there is a white hole where the force is created to energize those around her.

Pick of the Week

Star Wars: Lost

Johnny-Sasaki

Post KOTOR: What would he do if...

The piece comes at you as a surprise. What if Bastila had not been part of the mission, and Revan had gone dark again? What would he do when he kills her?

Questions of the Mind and Soul

Triple E

KOTOR after Leviathan: Revan now contemplates the path he is on

The piece is almost all deep introspection. In fact the point where it becomes anything else it breaks the concentration as one reviewer warns. However the break works,and flow resumed with only a brief blip.

When He Dreams

Chemist

KOTOR on Taris: Is it the dream he fears?

The piece makes you wonder if what he 'wakes' up to is the dream he never remembers. Killing Mission is the worst thing Zaalbar can contemplate, and killing her accidentally would make it even worse. A psychologist would call it fear of failure, and as large and strong as he is, it would be a constant worry.

Paradox: One

Chemist

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The beginning of the Saga

The piece has an interesting take on the first few minutes of the game. Viza (Revan) comes across as a clueless fearful child until she is actually fighting, when she becomes a master of death, yet still with the fearful child face.

The Letter

Tatooine92

Post KOTOR on Telos: Carth has to ask one person if his plans are acceptable, and does so with a letter on a grave

Some people believe you aren't really dead as long a someone remembers you. To Carth, his wife is still there, still vital, and when he decides to ask Revan to marry him, of course he needs her permission. The way he asks, writing a letter and setting it on the grave is touching and poignant.

Pick of the Week

Unexpected

TimeMasterX

KOTOR aboard Leviathan: An unexpected plot Gizka...

The piece was fun to read, and at one point (When Carth is trying to help the story along by pointing out the space suits) became down right hilarious when instead Tyler (Revan) snags the mines in the room and combines them to blow down a door.

The timing of Carth's betrayal was excellent, since it is the first time he really has a chance to affect the outcome.

Pick of the Week

Malak's Chance

DragoonQueen

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Revan has problems she must deal with first

Remember to sight edit. You used craw instead of crawl, and trill instead of thrill, betrayal instead of betray.

The piece is a look inside Revan's head as she faces Malak for the last time. She is adamant that she must win, but at the same time she regrets facing him. The end is anticlimactic; she wins the present battle but may lose the war.

machievelli · February 25, 2012

SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: Pact

Msficwriter

TOR chapter 8 in an ongoing series: Five days after her transformation, our Heroine finds an ally, and a purpose

The ongoing work is outstanding, and the thoughts now reach deeper into her soul.

As the Trandoshan says, every warrior knows that death is on the field when they fight.

As much as I enjoyed the games, there have been things that appalled me in them. First the treatment of the Mandalorians who go from honorable warriors to mere thugs. There is only one Mandalorian in the first game you feel any sympathy for, and even then Canderous still comes across as an old warhorse that can't get away from battle.

If you have read my own KOTOR excerpts, I see them as the quintessential warriors, the ones who see battle as the great leveler, where even the best can still die, and as they said in 300, seeks a beautiful death. If I were the only one who saw them so, I'd know I was the aberrant one, but to my mind the best of the EU are the books of Karen Traviss, who makes them real people who see no other purpose to life.

A true warrior feels contempt for those that shield themselves with innocents, and scorn for those of their own who treat the defeated with anything but acceptance. Having a sword in your hand and striking down an unarmed opponent is not battle, it is hubris.

The other is that the Jedi Council in the games are not acting as Jedi in my mind. I am a child of the last generation before our own X generation, who see only what they can grab from our society, not the effort and blood that has been spilled to make our lives possible. So are the authors of that game. I have had people spit on me and call me names because I felt I owed my country a service during Vietnam. I didn't go and fight; I felt the war was stupidly fought, and more for political gain than real values. So I served in the Coast Guard, and spent my time protecting those who needed help. Yet scorn was heaped on me as well.

Yet if you were raised with the slogan, 'My country, may she always be right; but my country right or wrong' how can you spit on those that took that to heart, and died living up to it? They made a choice as much as those that spat on us did. One to accept it, one to denigrate it.

In my own Return from Exile, I expanded the original confrontation between the Exile and the Jedi Council to point out that as much as the Council did not want them to go to war, the Jedi who did lived up to the ideals of 20,000 odd years of self sacrifice in service to the Republic. That they paid 'that last full measure' defending what they had been taught was right, regardless of what the present Council thought. In return the one who did come back to take her medicine was ridiculed as those of my era were. The explanation of why the Council didn't want them to go to war in the second game came too little, too late.

In my pep talk to the troops on Dantooine I made a comment reminiscent of Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men when she said 'Except to those that survive, this battle will be a footnote in history. We will fight and die, and a hundred years from now some fool will make it a punch line for a bad political joke'.

So here, our heroine sees what I meant when I wrote the proceeding paragraphs. That there comes a time when you need to put away the plowshare and pick up the sword, because your enemy leaves you no other real option.

Pick of the Week and tied yet again for Best of the Week

Emotions: One: Nostalgia:

Dark Day

Tatooine92

KOTOR on Korriban: An accident leaves one of the crew badly wounded

The piece is well wrought, the tension clear, and the accident perfectly done. The reaction of the wounded man is also perfect.

Pick of the Week

Age of Darkness Part One

Gyrogia

Mandalorian War era: A commander has to report after a battle

The piece is as confusing as a real battle would be, the aftermath as stark. The interplay between Roland and Malak is perfect because as Roland said, while those men were dying, Malak wasn't there. Worth a read.

Sky Blue Memories

Ghostie

Pre KOTOR: The Genesis of the ship that would one day be the Ebon Hawk

It's landing gear, not land gear

The piece has an interesting subject reminiscent of the Novel Millennium Falcon, but unlike that later ship the Sky Blue as she was originally named was a once off from a small private yard.

It makes me wish I had time to read the rest

Two, Prologue

RainPool

KOTOR on Taris, with memories of the past: Two young girls wait for the Jedi as in their future one wakes up as our heroine

A mixture of both new work and well established scenes, looking back into their past is done sometimes, but rarely well, like this is. Even with only the basic descriptions, I can visualize the girls (The village was not so well visualized; after all there are only so many ways to build a home) and the mother's worry about rain comes across as if just that word means serious danger.I even have an inkling of who that second inner voice is, and wish I could follow the work to the end just to find out.

Shadow Rise

KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk after Taris: Revan speaks of her past, and what she yearns for.

Technical note: A bunker is a partially buried armored structure. Aboard a ship, where this is placed, of course, you cannot have a bunker, so when I got far enough to realize that, I labeled a 'bunk room' instead. That makes the window a port, unless it is round, in which case it's a porthole.

A slice of memory that gives you a deeper insight into the main character. Joining the military to gain stability actually makes sense, since between wars it gives the 'three hots and a cot' that are what you need to survive, but at the same time, the realization that war is a messy business. The author draws 'Eve's' world like a minimalist, and you can picture her parents as shadows of her past that she wishes were still there.

Pick of the Week

The Lack Thereof

Shadow Rise

KOTOR on Taris: When you lack the money...

The piece didn't sneak up on me, I had anticipated what would happen every step of the way. Normally that is not good, I usually hate when authors give me a flat generic scene.

But Shadow Rise gave me those scenes, and let them come alive. Having Mission run all her words together as if saying it fast will be like ripping the band-aid off; less painful, balanced with Carth first being upset that he had been left out, when he realizes the situation that maybe he should have just stayed out of it, and the scene in the back room to round it out.

Excellent work

Pick of the Week

We Change for Those We Love

Two Exiles A Story

Mister Frodo

Post TSL after Malachor V: The parting of the Exile and Brianna

The piece flows very well, the emotions constrained but there. Their parting has to happen, but part of you wishes that wasn't the case.

Only You

DoseOfReality

KOTOR on Dantooine: The team discovers the first Star Map

Basically a generic retelling of the scene with a few additions to perk it up.

Technical note: As much as the game designers loved stealth and defensive force screens on the personal level there is no sign of them in the movies except for the ones used by the droidikas. This detracts from the enjoyment for a reader who had not played them, and for those readers that know what I have just said.

As I said, generic. The piece has some fun scenes, Carth enjoying the interplay between Bastila and Revan

I Will Not Forget

Sandra Evans

Originally reviewed 8 March 2007 over at kotorfanmedia, that review is below:

Approximately five years after TSL: With both of their men at war; Revan and the Exile receive the worst news any woman in that position can receive. Companion piece to we change for those we love.

The style is excellent, the scene crisp and clear. The reaction by both women and children as clear as if they were our own families. This piece cannot be praised enough.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Sandra Evans

Originally reviewed 8 March 2007 over at kotorfanmedia, that review is below:

Approximately five years after TSL: Before their final battle, Carth and Atton reminisce about the women in their lives. Prequel to I will not forget.

Some word usage problems ‘him’ instead of his. The interplay of the relationships is well delineated, and the scene, which is a common one for those going into battle is almost perfect. Good work.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Capture the Flag

Lizard King 13

Set in the Battlefronts era: Talk about a sore loser...

Remember to sight edit. Some incorrect word usage, it's pale (lose color) not pail (vessel to carry water)

A game of capture the flag, with casualties yet. The comment by the captain about why Vader isn't smiling struck me as odd. Under that visor, who could tell?

The end of the game was so choice. 'We lose so blow everyone to hell, and let's get out of here' was pure Vader. A lot of fun.

Pick of the Week

Kotor 3: Following Revans Path

Darth Yakhana

It is en route, not any route when discussing where you are going. 'problems it occured' should be either 'as they occurred' or 'problems it detected'. The phrase 'improving the computer to heal faster' suggests it is the computer that is healing, even if it is in the medbay. It should probably be 'improving the diagnostic computer to help him'.

Technical note: The Ebon Hawk is too small a ship to have a bridge. It would have a cockpit instead. A window on a ship is a port or porthole.

The piece is a 'relaxation afterward' work, but doesn't fit the last line. Everyone is still too busy working.

machievelli · March 3, 2012

SW-TOR: Thoughts of a Padawan....(short)

JAvatar80

TOR: Dealing with 'children' as war looms

The piece reminds me of my own youth. My brothers loathed me because a lot of times I ended up being the 'babysitter', and I was, I will admit, a hard taskmaster; though not as hard as they might have thought. I spent five years showing up for the occasional holiday proving to them that I was still bigger, meaner, and faster than them, and my youngest, my late brother Duane never accepted that right up to his death. The last time I saw him alive (He was then 19) the first thing he did was throw a punch at me, which ended up with him flipped, on his back, and his arm in a painful bind.

Not the best memory; I spoke to him years later while he was in a Navy Psych ward, and the first words I spoke were what they say you never say to someone in those conditions; 'are you out of your effing mind?' Sadly his mind had fled, a casualty of the Gulf War, and when next I saw him, it was in his coffin. He was finally at peace, but like the damn fool thinking he can win just from sheer chutzpah in this story, I mourn his loss.

SW: TOR: TRIALS OF A SITH THRALL: HONOR-BORN

Msficwriter

Chapter 9 in the epic: The end?

I have been hanging by a thread since the 1st chapter of it's predecessor, and I have only one thing to say:

Pick of this week, and unless someone else ties, Best of the Week!

Letters from the Selonian Conflict

Finally

Lelilah

KOTOR No specific Planet given: Revan finally makes a decision about Carth

The piece is a generic work first work, but it is the author's first attempt, so it isn't that bad. The biggest problem is that the author center spaced it all, which gives it an uneven feel. This I have noticed, might be a problem with the IE 9 browser, since it is doing it on every posting for this site.

Mos Eisley Civil War

Lizard King 13

Based on the Battlefront II Hunt mode: An unlikely pair of enemies fight over Mos Eisley

The piece is confusing, the battle ill defined. The fight itself makes no sense, with the command structure very confusing.

DWH

Three Years Pre-Mandalorian Wars: All is not Well in the Corellian system

While there is a war going on, you would never tell it from the chatty (And a couple not so chatty) letters from four friends

Savior Self

CortessaBlatt

KOTOR Aboard the Endar Spire: The beginning

The piece relied too heavily on the game to move the action along, though the first scene was choice.

A Second Chance

PadawanMage

KOTOR in orbit of Taris: When they discover Revan is still alive, two men see things in a different light...

The piece goes behind the scenes when Calo Nord delivers the message. The take on their reactions was interesting at least for Karath. Malak of course feels on shaky ground, and must kill her, this time personally to stabilize his hold.

Karath, however, see it as a chance to fix the one problem the Sith have at the moment, namely removing Malak.

Speed Of The Blade

RobinTheKnight

Post TSL: A Jedi begins a search...

The piece is too short to get a good read on it. The scene with the security officer reads false because after all this is Nar Shaddaa, and the one thing you do not see there is police of any stripe. Second, considering how many criminal deals are being made in a given day a cop would be too busy to question someone who is to all intents and purposes, just sitting there.

Dar'Manda

Panzer

Pre TSL: A young Mando'a decides to earn back his heritage

Some word usage problems, though when you meant tough, that kind of thing. But for someone who wasn't raised On English, this is very good.

Your description of your young warrior's first battle reminded me a bit of a scene of my own in my return from Exile where I had Davrel (the young warrior the game kills off) panicked during the attack on the Dxun compound. One of those I wish I could read all three chapters.

Welcome to the forum.

Just Business

Panzer

TSL on Dantooine: Two businessmen have a disagreement

The piece is a mere slice of life, but it was a lot of fun. The one partner trying to stiff the other is standard stock in trade, and his reaction to that betrayal again was stock. But the Jedi breaking up the fight by throwing both men to opposite sides of the room, and the bartender's reply was good.

Behind Enemy Lines

DarthBubbles

Mandalorian War era:

The piece was confusing even before the two pilots crashed. A battle in space covers a vast distance, and would hardly be unnoticed until you were in the furball. In real life some officer or pilot would be telling the smugglers to get their expletive deleted tin can out of the way, and that would go for both Republic and Mandalorian crewmen. After all, whoever shot him down would have to explain why the equivalent of a passenger plane was more important than the enemy fighters you're facing.

While Visquis was a big wheel in the Exchange in TSL, this is taking place a minimum of ten years earlier. Having Carth know his name would be like the average grunt in 1988 knowing who Osama Bin Ladon was then, merely one of the 30,000 'foreign volunteers' that assisted the Afghanis, not the head man of Al Quaida he was in 1995.

The capture was unrealistic. Sure the lookout could have fallen asleep, but to have them just wake up in the cages doesn't work. Also, the controls for such a unit would not be close enough to shut down from the inside because if you're not watching them, you know the prisoners will attempt to escape.

Yet the interplay between Carth and Carter was good. The new character was believable, and using him to play off Carth worked well. Carter's discussion with the Mandalorian was also good, because in real life, the interrogators again, do not have time to waste on someone who does not have necessary information.

Technical note: Both the Aurek and E Wing are modern era fighters of the EU. This reads to me like 'Baron Manfred Von Richthofen saluted his ground crew, climbing into his MiG 29, ready to fly against Captain Eddie Rickenbacker, who he knew would be flying an F-15 Eagle'.

You have your fighters firing missiles at a range of ten meters, which would put your plane inside the range safety limit. This is designed into every missile, torpedo etc since the 60s to avoid accidentally shooting yourself down when the missile explodes at that range. The weapon would launch, but would only impact the target rather than exploding.

Beyond Light Or Darkness

Satiar

KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: Revan offers one last chance of redemption.

The piece as others have said, is powerful. Revan goes into this, her final battle, not only willing to die, but wanting to. Yet she cannot merely give him the victory, and in the end, when he has defeated her, Malak lets her go and dies.

Pick of the Week, tie for Best of the Week

Dralshy'a

Shadow Rise

KOTOR Two days after the Leviathan: Canderous offers his arms for the newly revealed Revan to hold onto

Like everything Shadow Rise has written, this cuts to the quick, and makes you pay attention as the story unfolds. You can see Canderous literally offering himself as a sacrifice to keep her mind and body together. The characters are clearly defined, the situation (For someone who know the military) perfectly set. Canderous is not the love interest; he merely assumes he can ground Revan. A pity, since Revan/Canderous link ups are so rare.

Pick of The Week

machievelli · March 10, 2012

SWTOR: Tears of the Force

Star Wars: Revolution

Christos200

Following Dark Galaxy: A new light dawns

The prologue covered too much. The attack on the Sith lord would have been a story to itself.

The establishing scene was good, but again, you don't need to establish the main characters every time, and the one you do need to establish, Jack, is too quickly done.

The dialogue, especially Jack's to the bartender was unnecessary. You didn't need to have him say they were his quarry.

From there everything is too rushed. Having him say 'Tatooine plan' was cute because it gives Har a reason to get upset for the argument between him and his human partner.

It doesn't make sense that the Exile is still alive and not already a target for the Sith, also why wasn't he eliminated in the purge?

Do something for me, try to do the next one prose style rather than script style. You'll see what I mean if you do.

Ziost

During TOR: A young Knight is sent on a mission

It's a Republic Capital ship. As often as writers use it, having opposing sides actually communicating during a battle is rare. Before, yes. Near the end, sometimes, but when you've already started shooting, no.

'A thin metal stretched its way down from Kale’s ear, stopping just before his chin and a few strands of the cybernetic'. Cybernetic what?

Where did you get this format?

Planet Name: Veloth

Function: Natural Resources (a major crystal cave which holds a special amethyst gem which Vex uses in his reconstructed lightsaber)(1)

Planet Type: Terrestrial(2)

Terrain: Multiple Different types (like Earth)(3)

Gravity: Standard

Atmosphere: Type I (Breathable)(4)

Length of Day: 32 Standard Hours

Length of Year: 456 local days

Hydrosphere: Moderate(5)

Temperature: Temperate(6)

Population: 2 million (native humanoids)

1: There are more than crystals to natural resources. Every metal is a resource. Every building material from crushed rock, to the ingredients for cement to wood is a resource.

2: Saying it's terrestrial links it to our own world as does #3. Since Earth is not part of this galaxy, using it to measure by is like using Minas Tirith to describe New York.

3: Terrain would be varied regardless of the planet. Making an entire planet desert (As they did with Tatooine) yet making it inhabitable really doesn't work. You need something to create and maintain the oxygen cycle. On earth it is the synergistic reaction of plants creating and purifying the oxygen, and animals to create the CO2 that feeds the plants.

4: Does this mean there are barely inhabitable planets as well? Or merely that some require special equipment?

5: What percentage of water to land mass? Earth is not moderate, not with 75% water.

6: No planet is temperate from pole to pole. On earth we go from tropical to temperate to sub arctic to arctic, and have people living in all of them.

Technical note: The Chiss were not contacted until the Imperial Era meaning just before the Battle Of Yavin. So they are shown here just about 3700 years too early.

It is unlikely that a race would have only one sex that could interbreed with other races. It is more likely that there is a social ban on the females interbreeding.

The piece is getting interesting, keep it up.

A Debt Unpaid: Prolouge to Echo of the Force

Ferc Kast

KOTOR prologue: A new adventure

The piece is way too short to get a good grip on where the story is going. Also I have yet to see any Rodian that was not green, you actually repeat that the Rodian is green.

I see it's from a game module, which is interesting. If you need help with the dialogue or with editing such dialogue, let me know.

SW: TOR: Trials of a Sith Thrall: That Which is Sought

Msficwriter

Chapter ten and end of this saga: But there will be more...

The piece lived up to my expectations, kid. The problem I see, is that she will probably end up fighting all of the Jedi masters to get to her target, also something ala 24...

Pick of the Week, of course! Also scores best not only for the piece, but the body of work to date.

We All Have a Breaking Point

Satiar

30 Years Post KOTOR: The tired old woman Revan has become goes on one final adventure alone

Like the piece last week, this one reveals a side of Revan few are willing to show. The Dark, or more accurately semi-dark character has been worn down, and while she's knows it to be true, she hates that it has happened.

Like any person who as they age sees the Reaper not as an enemy but as an old friend who will eventually come calling to bring welcome relief, I understand what she is thinking. Perhaps, in her life, one last adventure can recal that youth.

Pick of the Week

Hidden In Shadows-Chapter one, Endar Spire

Lady Of The Night

KOTOR on Endar Spire: A new take on the heroine

Some chopped off thoughts; 'This was the Republic – every(one) died for each other

The piece shows an interesting take on the character, a totally self centered character thinking only of her survival.

When the Drums Fall Silent. Part 1: An Assassin's Creed

Bisted

three months post TSL: As two teams of Republic special Ops carry out their assignments, a deeper plot unfolds.

The flow is choppy because you tend to run sentences on rather than complete them. Remember that a sentence doesn't have to tell the reader everything; it's one specific thought. As only one example:

“It’s an experimental thing Intelligence developed, which me and Zaalbar are testing.” This should be two sentences; “It’s an experimental thing Intelligence developed,(.) Me and Zaalbar are testing (it).” Also remember the rule, 'never use two words when one word will do, and never use a long word when a short one will do'.

The basics are good, and the action, while disjointed is good.

For the Republic Interlude 1: innate

Verna Jast

KOTOR before Endar Spire: As the title says, a look into one of the characters

The piece goes deeper into the past of Trask Ulgo, and is well done as all of Verna's work

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic: The Hunt

Goodbye

Distrustfully

Two to three years post KOTOR: Carth won't follow her, no matter how much it hurts

The piece is poignant with Carth's loss. As much as he wants to follow, he has his instructions to protect the Republic she wishes to return to.

Pick of the Week

SoulGuard

Pre KOTOR: The apprentice trained by both Malak and Revan is sent to capture terentatek

Remember to sight edit; you used the wrong word a few times which is why you had clocked figures and doors opened with a his.

Basically the Grand Hunt by the Jedi in reverse; sending someone to find them rather than merely killing them.

Regret

PerchingKite13

Pre TSL: A ship arrives in port, with a crewman with a past...

Remember to sight edit, it is whined not wined, and you slice something into pieces, not splice them. Don't worry too much about it, I do it all the time myself.

Technical note; Please Visit Lucasforums>KOTOR>Coruscant Entertainment Centre> Resource Centre> and read Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! A ship does not have rooms for example, it has compartments.

Most people would be dead after two entire bottles of assorted whiskey alone, and using both alcohol and sleep aids is pretty much a guaranteed suicide.

Also synthehol is a Star Trek item, not a Star Wars one.

The piece was interesting due to the interaction of the crew. The main character from our point of view is slowly killing herself with a combination of drugs and alcohol, and looking into her mind, you can understand why.

Lies

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3004935/1/Leave_her_behind

Leave her behind

Dufferooni

KOTOR On Kashyyk after Leviathan: After abandoning Trix(Revan) on Kashyyk, Carth has to now asked her back aboard

The piece starts with a unique premise so far; What if Carth's anger was so deep he literally abandons her somewhere? Compared to some, where Carth kills her, or she kills herself, it was a unique and fun twist, though the ending needs work.

christos200 · March 10, 2012

It doesn't make sense that the Exile is still alive and not already a target for the Sith, also why wasn't he eliminated in the purge?

That was going to be explained in part 15. But lets just say that the empire doesn't know yet that he is a jedi, and they think that the only jedi left is Xin, although he doesn't have a lightsaber ( he gave it to Jack) and mostly he uses the medallion of storm.

EDIT: Also went the purge begun, he was still on exile.

The prologue covered too much. The attack on the Sith lord would have been a story to itself.

actually i just copied the duel scene from Dark Galaxy.

From there everything is too rushed. Having him say 'Tatooine plan' was cute because it gives Har a reason to get upset for the argument between him and his human partner.

Harr is very angry, because he remembered what happened in Tatooine. Those who read the Great Purge, will recognize the plan. About the rushed, well i wanted to make this be a more adventure story. But i agree: Going from Besbin to blowing up a sith base with an ancient medallion was a little rushed, but as i said, i wanted this to be based more on action.

Do something for me, try to do the next one prose style rather than script style. You'll see what I mean if you do.

What is prose style?

I hope that you will continue reading my story.

machievelli · March 11, 2012

prose style is like the stuff I write, or most books you might read.

christos200 · March 11, 2012

I don't really like that style.

machievelli · March 11, 2012

I don't really like that style.

I understand, it is a bit harder than scripting. But it would improve your characterization and descriptions.

Ferc Kast · March 11, 2012

A Debt Unpaid: Prolouge to Echo of the Force
Ferc Kast

KOTOR prologue: A new adventure

The piece is way too short to get a good grip on where the story is going. Also I have yet to see any Rodian that was not green, you actually repeat that the Rodian is green.

I see it's from a game module, which is interesting. If you need help with the dialogue or with editing such dialogue, let me know.

I wouldn't have distinguished the green Rodian, but Wookieepedia states Rodian skin is "most commonly green, with variations in pigment including purple and blue." Hence, I distinguished by saying the Rodian was green. (Which I only mentioned once, or at least only once with my revision on it the other day.) Also the main character is not from a game module, but a game modification. I was just trying to set the stage for the rest of the fanfic by posting the intro of the fanfic.

machievelli · March 17, 2012

Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic III: Malachor's Revange

Kriea001

90 years post KOTOR II: A Sith master sets up his apprentice

Remember conversation breaks during the comments about what the council had decided you completely forgot them.

Remember to sight edit; you used remember you instead of remind you.

I would suggest Using extra spaces between the paragraphs. I actually reread one section three times before I realized it was because I am used to theo extra spaces. Don't feel to bad about it, Some of my original work got dinged for that very reason way back in the day.

The piece goes pretty well, and there is enough mystery to keep us going. Welcome back.

Thoughts and feelings over the course of time

Revan Sama

Remember to sight edit. In the Exile's section you used corps (a body of men) instead of corpses, then everything was(Should be would) now vanish, To a bit(t)er justice and again later in the Mala portion with 'By the biter lessons called betrayal'. Biter is a term for someone who bites, while bitter (The word you meant) is a taste, feeling or mood.

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Second Exchange

Msficwriter

Ongoing series set in TOR: The heroine and her associate are sent on a mission.

The author strikes again, and the build up to her mission was choice. If you've seen Schindler's list, there is a shower scene where the terrorized women are jammed into a shower where they... shower. Which I think she might have seen.

Pick Of The Week

STAR WARS : RETURN OF THE SITH (Third edition)

Christos200

One century after the end of TSL: Reprise of Return of the Sith.

The pilot room as you call it is the cockpit.

You do not need to have the characters declaim their mission aloud. After all, it is a bar, and someone might hear you. Remember to sight edit. It's to a bar, not on a bar. And you typed 'ta Sith starfighter fires th' which made me work to figure it out. You character spie (Sees) a temple, not vies (competes).

There have been changes, and I applaud them. However it still needs work. It doesn't flow well as yet.

Star Wars The Mandalorian Wars

The Shadow War

R Omega

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor: The final battle is the last memory the Exile has before awakening.

The piece was interesting, the battle well portrayed. The men deciding to stand and die for the success of the mission so well done.

Kolya

Eight Years Pre KOTOR: The war begins

The first chapter was basically a reprise of what we know about Dxun, Onderon, and the Mandalorians themselves. But the fun begins in Chapter two. Already 14 chapters long, I wish I had time to read it all.

Shadows and Light The Great Hunt

Darth Brain

The Years after the War of Exar Kun: Three knights begin their hunt

The piece really isn't long enough to get a feel for the story; more of a prologue than anything else.

Die and Stay Dead

Mithostwen

KOTOR after Calo Nord's report: Malak broods over the new situation

If you have seen it, this piece reminds me a bit of Hang 'em High where the members of the lynch mob realizes the man they attempted to kill is not only alive but is now actively hunting them. Malak, as with a lot of usurpers, does not find the crown resting comfortably, and just wishes the other person would, in the parlance of the title, just stay dead.

Pick of the Week

The "Last Night"

Satiar

KOTOR after the Star Forge, follow on to Beyond Light and Darkness: With most of her companions dead thanks to Republic assassins, Revan intends to give her enemy a bloodbath in return

The piece fits so well with it's predecessor; her desire for revenge for the Republic attack masterful. Her and Canderous following the attitude of 'eat drink and be merry for tomorrow we die' is perfect.

Pick of the Week

Strength

Chemist

Post TSL: Jedi from both teams now rebuild, but Visas worries about Juhani

Jaina Solo has already made the comments about what needs correcting, but I was struck by the fact that this is a story about the two non-human female Jedi in the group. Visas is intrigued by the delicate balance of Juhani's emotions, and Juhani is intrigued by someone who can not see her, only taste her mind. Very well done.

Two, Break

Rainpool

KOTOR no specific period given: Revan's twin can still look in

Jaina Solo again arrived before I did, but I was looking at the idea of Revan having a twin who can communicate with her mentally. This would cause some unique moments in the game, as the inner voice might be that sister rather than herself

Somewhere Between

Napoleon

Post KOTOR: Revan plans for his own escape

A first work, and it shows. That is not a negative; every author's first work in a genre, especially an existing universe is evident. It is good journeyman like work.

JAvatar80 · March 17, 2012

The author strikes again, and the build up to her mission was choice. If you've seen Schindler's list, there is a shower scene where the terrorized women are jammed into a shower where they... shower. Which I think she might have seen.

That's actually exactly what I was thinking when they were thrown in the shower.

machievelli · March 23, 2012

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Unconquerable

Msficwriter

Ongoing series set in TOR: En route to Coruscant, our heroine broods

The piece flow smoothly from the last installment to this one. Mostly brooding as I said, but like Hamlet, a brooding silence that explains so much.

Pick of the Week

Hustle, Loyalty, Respect

Lord Zeuss

KOTOR On Taris: The heroes become wrestlers?

The piece is light and funny. My favorite scene was when 'John' (Revan) and Carth are mobbed by the female wrestlers, then the girls fight it out to see who gets to date Carth.

Avatar

Satiar

Mandalorian war era: Malak watches over his psychologically damaged friend.

An interesting aside from the usual story lines used. Having Revan be brutalized over months of captivity, and her inability to function is carefully ignored by her officers in a touching manner. Having her under observation to assure she doesn't kill herself makes it clear how damaged she is.

Gritty and hard hitting is how one reviewer described it, and I agree.

Pick of the Week

Merciless Rain

Dove-tailed Raven

Pre KOTOR on Taris: Canderous remembers the last woman he loved.

The piece was a neat aside, an in depth look into his mind, and the woman who captured his heart. It's a pity, really; Iseni, who went by the name Ice at the end, was a perfect match.

Cost of Family

DragonQueen

KOTOR on the Endar Spire: Our heroine stumbles through her escape

You used stubbled rather than stumbled a couple of times. The character being a bumbler rather than a stark warrior was an interesting twist.

Bump in the Night

Triple E

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Carth tries to deal with Mission's practical jokes, and fails miserably...

The piece sneaks up on you. You can picture Mission pulling the prank, but the aftermath puts it all to shame! A riot of problems for poor Carth who even at the end, doesn't win.

Pick of the Week.

A Damsel and her Hero

Satiar

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: The team makes the final assault

The piece is like watching the charge of the Light Brigade as one by one they all die. The end is sad and poignant as the Spirit of Carth gets her back to the ship.

Pick of the Week

To Terminate Or Not To Terminate

Nothing

Dawn Foxcraft

KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Only as Carth dies does she understand

The piece is dark and brooding. From her final fight with Malak to holding Carth's dead body, she is seeing the world through glasses so dark that there is no joy to be had. A deeply disturbing read.

Pick of the Week

Ragged Tiger

KOTOR no specific period given: HK47's version of Hamlet's soliloquy

The piece was funny; HK dreaming that maybe his master will make a mistake in negotiations only so HK can wreak destruction on yet another meatbag.

Pick of the Week

Atris' Confessions

Darth Phex

TSL on Telos: It's bad enough to find out she is the Exile's mother!

The author had fun with this, having the sound effects man commenting on what he's using, the Handmaidens throwing flower, and the revelations of her family simply made it more fun.

Pick of the Week

Vindicated

Athena Solaris

Post TSL: The rebuilding of the Jedi order through Atton's eyes

The piece flows very well, Atton's acerbic commentary about his fellow Padawan fits so well with what you see of the game.

Bastila Finally Understands her Heart

Attalus

Post KOTOR On the Unknown planet: Bastila finally admits her feelings.

The piece has a nice flow to it, the admission of love almost tentatively offered. Well worth the read.

Brianna's Reward

Attalus

TSL on Malachor V: With the quest ended, our hero can settle down with the one he loves.

A basically generic Hollywood love ending. I never got to see this scene in my game; for some reason it merely ended rather than going through the ending scenes. But a properly written one would have this scene, and the comment about the 'botched' ending suggests it was not.

machievelli · April 1, 2012

STAR WARS: THE ADVENTURES OF CHRISTOS AND NICK

Christos200

Ten years post TSL: Two men of prophesy work to save the galaxy.

The desert is called 'the' Sahara. Second, to help your readers, use quotation marks (“”) not <>. Also, remember conversation breaks to also make it easier on the reader. It's hard to keep track of who happens to be talking when you forget them.

It is 'didn't you think, not 'Didn't you thought'; and 'They draw their weapons, not 'They pull out their weapons'. Just out of curiosity why is a modern mercenary using arrows of any type? Except for times when silence is most important, (And you have an archer trained with A Mongolian recurve composite bow, which has the best range) a rifle has a better range than a bow. Also, the bowmen that made that bow famous never attempted to fire them from camel back. They used horses.

Technical note: Remember 'Long ago in a Galaxy far, far away'. Since it was long ago, it can't be happening in present time. Remember my comment PM that the fight scenes are like Hogan's alley? How are the enemy close enough to be killed, and their camels appropriated in the same sentence? Then you throw the smoke grenade (A good move) but then use 'and let the camels to leave' instead of 'frighten' the camels into fleeing.

As often as they throw them in the game, people are more circumspect with grenades of all types in real life. While you see a huge plume of smoke, and limited destruction in a movie or the game, Mr. Grenade is not your friend within 30 meters of where you are standing.

Watch the old Movie Sands of Iwo Jima. In one scene, a man practicing with a frag grenade accidentally drops it behind the dugout. John Wayne tackles a man busy reading a letter from home, and the grenade goes off. The reason I mention the scene is because the director used a live grenade (With plexiglas shielding in front of the camera)and filmed it going off. No massive plume of smoke, just a small burst and a stack of rifles near the stuntmen is slammed aside by shrapnel.

Smoke grenades have been known to set small fires, and the same is true of tear gas grenades; The destruction of the Branch/Davidian compound at Waco was caused by tear gas grenades.

Very important Technical note: In Stargate they showed a teleportation device as you have described (With intergalactic range) but look at the hoops the movie (As much as I hate the technical problems I noticed; such as constellations have changed here in the last ten thousand years, not to mention on the other end as well) they made them go through to find the combination necessary for the transit. Every star in the heavens is moving compared to it's original position after theier formation and they are not all moving away from our present Galactic position. So a constellation we know did not exist ten millennia ago. 'Accidentally' activating' it is like flipping a coin and having it land on edge rather than a face.

I stopped there because there are too many 'impossible' things for the normal acceptable 'one impossibility' to cover.

If we ignore everything I said above, it is an interesting story so far.

Star Wars: A New Hope

Christos200

ANH AU:

It is 'in' her cell where you wrote 'princess Leia is on her cell'. I am not sure what George Lucas defined as a 'legion of stormtroopers' but the Roman version is over 3600 men, too large to drop in anything but a full up combat situation. After all in the Movies, Anakin commanded the 501st Regiment (About 1500 men). A platoon (less than 50 men) makes sense in this case, not almost 4,000.

Technical note: Piet was not made an Admiral until TESB, so he should still be Captain. Also ANH preceded TESB, but you have the battle over Tatooine after Hoth. Also, 22 years after ROTS you have a full fledged Jedi still running around unnoticed. Your reference to Vader being his master makes some sense, but a rebel Sith would be easier to hunt down then a Jedi who is trying to hide.

Last, a single trained Jedi hiding on Hoth would be like trying to hide on a pool table; Yoda was able to hide on Dagobah because there was so much life, he was disguised. Ben was able to hide on Tatooine because Anakin would never have returned there willingly.

Here I have noticed that some of my advice is taking effect.

Choices No One Should Make

Amme Moto

Post TSL: Revan and the Exile reunite

It's standing (in) her way. Don't just trust your spell checker, remember to sight edit. Most grammar mistakes are do to words that will pass it(Like pour) when you mean pore. Remember to polish as you reread. 'refusing for me to look at him' would be smoother as 'refusing to let me look at him', and 'and HK's rambling's(Doesn't need apostrophe) stop' should be stopped.

It was fun when Bao Dur took him out above.

While the game allows you to transit between your location and the ship, it throws you off in a fiction piece.

Bomb Technician

Rogue Leader

Post EU book Triple Zero: The shirt says it all

The piece is very short but the author shoved a lot into it merely from inference. I recently saw a newer version of the shirt logo mentioned, but it read:

EOD BOMB DISPOSAL: IF YOU BOTHERED TO READ THIS AND AREN'T RUNNING TOO, I HOPE YOU DO BETTER IN THE NEXT LIFE.

Pick of the Week

Dark Chronicles

FREAKSHOW1

TSL on Onderon: The Dark Exile collects two more weapons

The piece is very short and dark. Pretty much a Dark Side Exile cleaning up loose ends.

Star Wars KOTOR II Catharsis

Dante-Raven

Approximately a year after TSL: Things are still not corrected.

Sowed, not sewed.

Only read the prologue, but the dark Jedi is excellently portrayed.

Knights of the Old Republic The Mandalorian Wars

Trigun61

Mandalorian War Era: A Jedi Team escapes the initial capture of Taris

remember conversation breaks. It makes the reading less confusing. Also sight edit and use your spell checker; you used fele instead of feel.

The characters are not well fleshed out. Only the main ones comes alive. The enemy, even the surviving one from their encounter is a cardboard cut out. The scene of witnessed mass executions is a little too early to be acceptable.

The Fate of Carth Onasi

Fuzzy Freaker

Three months Post KOTOR: Revan returns to the Rakata homeworld to finish it with Carth

Technical: You misnamed Carth's home planet (Telos, not Taris) and as Han said in ANH It would take thousands of ships to destroy a planet. Though even one can destroy the inhabitants with patience or overwhelming firepower, so Taris would not have been reduced to floating debris.

The piece was confusing in a few ways. First why did the survivors of the fleet hunker down in a location they knew had already been taken once by the natives they fought? If you know your position is indefensible, you don't use it again without working on the defenses you have, and to take it, most of the technical ones would have been destroyed. Second why is the leader the only one out scouting? Last, why was he scouting alone for over a week?

Summer Solstice Chapter 1-Traps

Back in Blaque

30 years post KOTOR: With Revan dead and the galaxy in a shambles, some few try to survive

The piece is well wrought, the characters vibrant. The idea that the pair of younger woman are Bastila Shan's daughter and granddaughter respectively made me curious as to who the 'Old Coot' might be. One of those works I wish I could read all the way through.

Pick of the Week

First Impressions

Rina Delwynn

KOTOR On an unnamed ship: Sith hopefuls train against Malak

The piece has darkness interwoven with the hope of redemption.

Choices and Consequences (Part One): Days to Forget

Satiar

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Dealing with the Wookie

Satiar gives us a humorous and dangerous Revan using a grenade which she claims will devastate a two kilometer swatch of forest, then using that to speak to Chuundar.

Nar Shaddaa, Part One of the Truth About Lies

Car7hLuvR

One Year post KOTOR on Nar Shaddaa: For the first time in a long time, Revan has someone to talk to

The piece is an interesting slice of Revan's quest in the Outer Rim, and well explains how the KK50 series came to be, and where Dustil was at least then. Being together as part of another side mission gives Revan someone she can talk to for the first time in a long time.

Pick of the Week

Change of Plan

Paradox

During the Mandalorian Wars: The secret mastermind behind the wars is given an update.

Remember conversation breaks. It was kind of difficult to keep track of who was talking.

The piece was good in the same way the machinations of Palpatine, always the consummate politician turns out to be the Sith Lord in their midst. It was totally unexpected.

Pick of the Week

Relics Prologue and Part 1

Catiel_Winree

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Told as a story to a grandchild years later, the old woman spins the first webs of the tale we know so well

As another reviewer commented, 'Kitty' sounds very juvenile compared to her partner, and that reviewer's suggestion as to how to repair it was well thought.

This isn't the first story of paired heroes at the start, but it was an interesting version. Considering the size of the escape pods seen in the game and in the animated series, it should have been possible to fit in one more person easily, but that is just a technical observation.

Pick of the Week

Late again. As I mentioned, I had three stories clamoring to be written. I was able to put one off by telling myself I want to read the latest Honor Harrington book because my story is happening in the same months where that one is, and I need some of the data. The second I put aside (Unwillingly on both sides) because I had the one that would put cash in my pockets in a few months. So I completed it and sent it off. Now I'm back to the Devil and her daughter.

So running late and a bit embarassed, here we go...

Over at Fanfiction.net Rogue Leader leads off with Bomb Technician a very funny piece.

Then we have the picks from kotorfanmedia with Car7hLuvR leading with Nar Shaddaa, Part One of the Truth About Lies then Paradox with Change of Plan

And our tied Picks of the week: Back in Blaque's Summer Solstice Chapter 1-Traps and Catiel_Winree's Relics Prologue and Part 1

Well, done for the week, back to the devil...

machievelli · April 7, 2012

Squadron Legacy, Chapter 9

Sithspecter

Mandalorian War era: Chapter 9 of an ongoing work,

The chase scene was good, but remember this is between two different groups that usually do not have a common language. Picture for a moment a British pilot evading German troops during WWII, or an American pilot fleeing the Viet Cong. It would help to use the Mando'a language for this scene.

Technical note: Your Mandalorian scout was acting like a rookie and rookies are never sent out alone scouting. Primarily because the burning fighter would have ignited under brush, or if on wet soil near a lake should have steam rising from it, easily visible. There are few surfaces where there would not be some debris that would burn.

Welcome back.

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: The Plan

MsFicwriter

Set in TOR on Coruscant: Our hero gets her instructions, but they suggest her target may have returned to the Jedi fold

Technical Note: We can not be sure that cloning was possible 3700 years pre ANH, so mentioning it struck me as odd. Look at it using this meter:

'Ashirai, agent of Sumeria is sent outside the empire to meet an agent. He arrives in Thebes, where he meets his contact. They are bound for the Phoenician delegation where he must be examined by their doctors. “But don't worry.” The agent tells him. “They won't x-ray you.”'

Second, a physical change might not be enough. Jedi sense on too many levels; the way a person moves is a clear indicator of skills to a discerning eye, and there are other indicators that would be just as clear. Consider Sherlock Holmes, who upon meeting Watson for the first time informed the man that he knew Watson had been stationed in Afghanistan, then went through physical indicators that were minor, but told him all of the facts.

The piece is going well, and the added twist that now suddenly the Jedi no longer trust their mole makes for an excellent plot twist.

Pick of the Week

T'was the night of diembodiment

KnightoftheWord

KOTOR inside the Mind Prison: A poem based on KOTOR and T'was the Night Before Christmas...

As you all know, I rarely read poetry because I don't think myself an adequate judge of how good they might be. But I had done a knock off of T'was for another site, and decided that gave me at least a glimpse of how this one should work out, so I gave it a go, for once.

Except for one line, I quite liked it. That line was:

“We’ll stay here and talk, see how time flies,

Meanwhile, your body grows old and (it)dies.”

Everybody Stand Back

JediDWH

Mandalorian War Era aboard Karath's flagship: It helps to know your resources...

The piece is a one shot by the author's admission, but it shows someone other than a Jedi strutting their stuff, and I liked it. The techniques shown would work very well, and the explanation of what is done was simple enough that you can understand the methods used, even if you don't know how to use them. The comment about converting holodata into plain text was a stroke of brilliance, since it reduces the terabytes of data that have to be scanned down to mere gigabytes.

Pick of the Week

Love, Ass & Arbitration

Triple E

KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk after Korriban: If it's not one thing...

Triple E has struck again, and this time I laughed out loud every other paragraph! The only thing I had problems with was a spacecraft using something as archaic as a standard washing machine, but having it short out the heating system forcing everyone into the cargo bay to maintain warmth was just the beginning.

I won't go into all of the problems, though having Carth see a piece of lingerie and be sure he had seen it worn (He had) but not remembered who until he sees her in the flesh was funny. My favorite line is where Mission is berating Canderous; "Here, read my lips!" The Twi'lek gestured, making exaggerated mouth movements. "You Can't Bypass the primary coil buffer through the auxiliary power cycler! It'll just overload and we'll have to start over, again!"

Pick of the Week

There Is No Harmony, There is Chaos

Koon

When They were children: And you think a Jedi child would be better behaved...

The piece is funny when you consider the ages. You see the younglings acting responsibly, yet think of any group of eight and nine year olds and the story works perfectly/

Precipice: Chapter 1

CarnivorousPineapple

9 years post KOTOR: Bastila traces Reven through spacecraft on her passage

The piece is intriguing because of the time and situation. Carth has remarried, Bastila now master Shan in search of Revan using both her bond and good intelligence work to find her. As a reviewer said, the plot thickens...

Enthralled

Panzer

The End of the Mandalorian War to KOTOR: A look into Uthar's past

The piece is interesting; as one reviewer said, it surprises you a bit that Uthar was once a Jedi serving under Revan.

An Unlikely Hero

Plutospawn

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: An unlikely hero indeed

Plutospawn has created something I rarely see; a hero more worried about her butt than anything else.

Impressive for a Padawan

PerchingKite13

PreKOTOR Aboard Revan's flagship:

Remember to sight edit; it's close knit, not nit, which is a louse egg.

I read everything posted to date because the first chapter was merely a generic capture. The second chapter was actually better, with an explanation of what Revan's condition was before the new persona was implaneted.

Not Yet

Jiara Anatalis

Pre KOTOR on Kashyyk: Revan meets Jolee while searching for the Star Map

The piece was up to Jiara's usual high standards, but it ended in a manner that was unsatisfying, as if someone offered you Prime Rib and served hamburgers instead.

Legacy

Tara Saralonde

eighteen years Post TSL: The daughter of Revan and Bastila Shan meest someone who will be very important in the future...

One thing I hate as a critic is that when I hit the really good stuff, I don't have time to come back and read all of it. I felt that again today (Right before I finished this column) with this very story. But, luckily in one way, there were only two chapters, so I read it all.

One interchanged struck me as outrageously funny:

'He sighed longingly with a faraway look in his eyes. "Those were the days…"

Elan grinned. "That was last week, Brylan."

As a reader I loathe having it stop too soon. Unluckily, there were only two chapters. The piece is excellent but I am frustrated by it's brevity. I wanted more!

Pick of the Week

Tides Change

Aderyn

Five years Post TSL in the Unknown Regions: With her task done, Revan goes home to the one she loves.

A note primarily on societies: I cannot see the Mandalorians turning away force users, or expecting women to stay home and punch out kids. Societies where the martial spirit is prized usually do not treat their women so. Among the Spartans for example you chose your wife because of her spirit and strength. Women trained with weapons as men did, they just were not considered part of the army. They were the defenders of their homes. It was said the Spartan city had no wall, and if anyone were to attack them, they would have been facing the women. Think about it in regard to Kipling...

Among the Samurai, the women were considered Onnabushi: Literally women warriors, and trained not with the paired swords of the men; rather they trained with the Wakasashi (Short) sword and the Naginata. If a samurai woman felt she had to give her life through seppuku, she had her own ritual for it. While men disemboweled themselves before their second beheaded them, the women would use the short sword to slit their own throats before they were beheaded.

The Zulus went so far as to deploy entire units of women warriors.

As for force usage, I think it is only the fact that the Jedi teach non-violence that would be a problem for a warrior society. By the same token the Sith 'be in charge and destroy any who oppose you no matter how you do it' would not sit well with a warrior society. Victory yes, but grinding your enemy's face into the ground, no.

Actually I can picture a third middle of the road training for any Mandalorian force users; What some have called the gray path.

The piece didn't surprise me as much as the author might have thought. I had worked out who awaited her return before I saw it, but the homecoming was worth the wait.

Pick of the Week

] Carapace

Y St. Ace

KOTOR on Tatooine: As she works with the armor, she considers who last wore it...

The piece was interesting because I don't remember any Genoharadan armor, unless it was that worn by Davik Kang. But the idea that the armor traps the essence of those who wore it is chilling.

machievelli · April 14, 2012

Star Wars : The Empire Strikes Back (AU)

Christos200

AU version continuing ANH AU: The attack on Yavin

Remember that I, when speaking about yourself, is always capitalized.

As I told you previously, you do not need to vocalize every comment by Chewie. It isn't something translated except when Han does so. You could merely say 'Chewie roars'.

Your version does not make sense; having Leia merely tell Luke instead of the full briefing cuts out too many pilots, and except for us as the viewer, no one knows Luke's full potential yet.

'My Lord, why you have left the Death Star and took away your entire fleet?'

should be; 'My Lord, why have you left the Death Star and took (Taken) your entire fleet away?'

The end, having Han use a Jedi mind trick makes no sense at all.

You tend to have every one of your main characters chop off not one hand, but both hands before they kill their enemy. As Tom Clancy pointed out in Patriot Games, as often as you have the cowboy hero shooting the gun out of his opponent's hand, only an idiot tries for such a small target. When shooting at someone, (Or using a sword to fight) you aim at center of mass. The only advantage you have with the same scene repeated over and over is that the one who has just lost their hands can say some final words. Not really important to making the scene realistic however. Remember that Gui Gon Jin got his last words, but they were not addressed to Darth Maul.

Technical notes; Considering the capability of the Death Star, a fleet would be redundant. The Death Star is a fleet all by itself, except for covering more than one sector of a target. As you yourself stated, the defenses of the Death Star are optimized for a large force, and it carries fighters primarily for the one threat it is not designed to face; other fighters. The other vessels would not help much in defense.

No matter how good a new student is, he would have trouble holding his own against a master. There is an old saw that the best swordsman doesn't fear the second best; he fears the novice that has never held a sword before; no one knows what that idiot might do. Against two, he would have no chance at all. Having Luke (Who has been using the force for less than a week) throwing force lightning is also absurd.

The piece makes little or no sense. It is AU because you say so, but the story does not hold together consistently. Try blocking out from start to finish with an outline. Look at my two most recent offering, and notice that I leave nothing uncovered. I may write flow of consciousness, but the stories are consistent with no threads to pull on.

Keep trying.

Star Wars: Mercenaries

Christos200

AU on Bespin: Luke's journey continues.

Luke is not qualified to be called a Jedi. It's like he's gone through a week of boot camp (Usually eight weeks) and is now claiming to be a trained soldier. Also 'Jedi' is as much an ideal as title. I lambasted the movie A Knight's Tale, where a stable hand pretends to be a knight primarily because it was about as believable. You don't become a knight by saying you are, and the same is true of a Jedi.

'I've been said that you are a mercenary' Should be 'I've been told that you are a mercenary'. I know English is a second language for you; have you asked anyone to Beta for you?' If you did minor mistakes as above would stop.

As I told you before, when using quotes stop using < and > the correct characters are ' and “. And where it was used with steal, suggests you're using a word that is not specified, such as a mobster saying 'whack' or 'bump' instead of kill. So you aren't 'appropriating' a ship, you are actually stealing it. As for using it when he chooses his nickname you again do not need them.

As I also said before, you are not going to be announcing 'we're pirates' in a bar, no matter how disreputable. Remember that piracy is a crime usually punishable by death, so you are not going to announce something that is punishable by death even amongst criminals. It didn't make sense when Lucas used it in Star Wars, and it doesn't make sense here. Crooks can have a number of their sins written off by turning you in. When it comes to criminals ratting out someone else, it's the number 3 cause of capture. Remember in Star Wars someone reported Luke and the droids, and that same person would have reported your guy with the Death Mark on twelve systems at the same time.

Losing Sleep

Y St Ace

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton wonders if he's lost his edge

The piece is generic, but the question raised remains. How is it that the Twin sun are 'killed' in the cantina, but alive when you fight your way off GOTO's ship? Knowing this before I wrote the scene I merely had my Atton beat them unconscious rather than cut their throats when he had them down. However in an RPG, you don't have such an option

Silence

Y St Ace

TSL on Onderon: The first meeting with Kavar since the Exile does not go well

The piece is completely dark, and the end merely drives it home. This Exile isn't coming back to the light.

Broken

Y St Ace

Post KOTOR aboard Star Forge: He came that close...

The piece is a dark side alternate ending that gives you a feeling that it could have ended better. Carth is tormented by the pain of others as Revan systematically shreds everything away from him. Her reasoning is simple, he is the one thing that could have caused her return to power to fail, and she will not forgive him that.

Pick of the Week

A War of Jedi

Gilligani

No era given: Two Padawan go through training and into their first assignments

You don't seem to know much about ships. Over at Lucasforums I wrote a piece on ship nomenclature, please read it. One example, ground is where you have soil under you, not on a ship. That would be the deck.

The piece is basically a generic 'first mission goes bad story. The characters are lackluster, needing fleshing out.

Remembering

Daemonette19

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Revan and Carth speak after their battles on the planet

The piece is interesting and well wrought, but a bit confusing. Why spend a romantic evening with one man, but sleep peacefully with another?

Weakening Walls

Daemonette19

Enroute to the Second Star Map: Revan's dreams are coming apace, and Bastila needs a back up plan

The piece is an excellent piece of work, primarily because the memory doesn't really link to the present, which makes it that much more jarring. The bleeding from the nose and eyes seems more linked to the movie Scanners.

Pick of the Week

Incantation: Movement One

What is Love?

Tunuviel

KOTOR and pre KOTOR: A hard question to answer

Split into vignettes through her life, Revan wonders what love is. As someone who is to avoid entanglements, then sees them as more of a hindrance when she becomes Sith, she finally finds that love like anything linked to passion, must be tempered.

Ghando

Pre KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Amango (Revan) has memory issues, and ends up discussing them with Trask and Carth

The piece is almost all dialog, and a bit confusing. We see Carth in full distrust mode because this woman who doesn't even know who Bastila is the link to his own conspiracy theory.

Upon the Revanchist - Part I

Kenny

Pre KOTOR: In the midst of battle, Revan feels Bastila's approach

The piece is a softly paced number, like watching a cat's tail as she prepares to spring. You know Revan is ready for the confrontation, and his words with Malak lets you know that he already expects treachery.

Bells For Her

Mister Buch

KOTOR on Manaan: Jolee watches the fall of a Jedi, and grieves

The piece is very moving, Jolee merely an observer of what he know will occur. While I didn't like the characterization that someone who uses a saber-staff as a coward bothered me. Both my Revan and Exile used the saber staff, and Atton's comment about them was balanced by my own Exile's comment:

“I know that a lot of guardians got into the saber staff right before the war ended. More slaughter for the slash, or something.” Answered by:

“Those who carry a saber staff have to learn a lot of fine motor control the others do not. It isn’t like a single, where you can whip it through a series of cuts in your sleep, or like a pair where both arms move independently, but power strokes are done with both blades simultaneously. Both arms have to move in a precise and clear rhythm and just breathing the wrong way when you’re learning can hurt. Believe me, I know. You learn to use your entire body fighting with a saber staff. The all of seventy-five of us, about one half of a percent that used the saber staff during the Mandalorian wars were in the forefront because of the need for rapid punching of holes in the Mandalorian defenses. There, all you ever need to know about why someone chooses a weapon in one neat wrapped with a bow package.”

But the idea that Jolee can do nothing to stop it bothers me even more, though calling it 'turning' does make more sense.

Pick of the Week

Phantom of the Enclave

TehRyder

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A secretive man stalks the Enclave...

Really an interesting premise. The idea that someone can hide within the Enclave, noticed by only two people, and impinges on both their lives is an intriguing concept.

That Hurt, I Bet

Mister Buch

Memories, and on the Ebon Hawk Enroute to Korriban: Revan find trouble separating himself from the implanted memories.

The piece reminds me of an old Movie of the Week, Welcome Home, Johnny Bristol, because of the psychological depths to it. In that film, a returning Vietnam Era POW believes that his home town has somehow been destroyed and the facts concealed due to a major government cover up. If you have seen the movie, you know exactly what I mean. However, if you have not, let me know if you find a copy on DVD, since I haven't seen it since it was released in 1972. If you have and don't remember, does the name Charles Vermont ring any bells?

The plaintive question to Juhani, 'is Revan his first or last name' shows the only real angst; who was he before?

Pick of the Week

christos200 · April 14, 2012

The end, having Han use a Jedi mind trick makes no sense at all

Actually Luke uses a jedi mind trick, not Han.

No matter how good a new student is, he would have trouble holding his own against a master. There is an old saw that the best swordsman doesn't fear the second best; he fears the novice that has never held a sword before; no one knows what that idiot might do. Against two, he would have no chance at all. Having Luke (Who has been using the force for less than a week) throwing force lightning is also absurd.

Luke is not an ordinary Jedi. He is thw son of Anakin. Also he was trained by both Ben and Starkiller.

The piece makes little or no sense. It is AU because you say so, but the story does not hold together consistently.

I dont understand this. I had an outline: Training, Death Star, Space fight, Luke's duel with Vader.

Luke is not qualified to be called a Jedi. It's like he's gone through a week of boot camp (Usually eight weeks) and is now claiming to be a trained soldier. Also 'Jedi' is as much an ideal as title. I lambasted the movie A Knight's Tale, where a stable hand pretends to be a knight primarily because it was about as believable. You don't become a knight by saying you are, and the same is true of a Jedi.

Luke was trained by Ben and Starkiller. Okay about Ben, but Starkiller is the Jedi. have you ever seen TFU 1 or 2?

It didn't make sense when Lucas used it in Star Wars, and it doesn't make sense here.

If it made sense with Lucas, why i cant use it? Also, i needed a scene where the pirates idroduced themselves.

machievelli · April 15, 2012

Actually Luke uses a jedi mind trick, not Han.

You said Han in the piece, Not Luke

Luke is not an ordinary Jedi. He is thw son of Anakin. Also he was trained by both Ben and Starkiller.

Who his father is wlould be incidental. Just because a top gunfighter has a son does not automatically give the boy the same skills. Reflexes, hand eye coordination, certainly, but a fast draw, or using a sword is muscle memory, and that has to be trained over years, not weeks.

Luke was trained by Ben and Starkiller. Okay about Ben, but Starkiller is the Jedi. have you ever seen TFU 1 or 2?

I do not know what TFU is in reference to.

If it made sense with Lucas, why i cant use it? Also, i needed a scene where the pirates idroduced themselves.

You misread my reply. I said it didn't work logically for Lucas. He did it, but it would have been stupid for someone to announce what the thug did in that loud a voice. You didn't have to have them say out loud 'Hey we're pirates! Join the crew!' You could have had the leader ask if Luke knows his name, but in an intentionally lowered voice. If Luke doesn't know he is a pirate, he can say it again in a soft tone.

In the kind of cantina pirates would hang out in, you have to worry about informewrs, because the police have an idea which bars those are as well. Not to mention listening devices, etc. If you get a chance, see a movie called I Love You to Death, where a pair of unprofessional 'professional killers' leave after bungling their assignment, and are caught within hours because they boasted about it in a bar.

Example:

The Dread Pirate Roberts: You have heard of me, haven't you?

Luke Skywalker, head cocked to the side, then shakes it no.

Roberts (Leaning forward and lowering his voice): My crew and I assure that money flows in all directions, from the rich to the poor, or from corporations to the little man.

Luke (As if light is dawning): Ah, you're a smuggler?

Roberts laughs: No, a pirate.

"Luke (almost shouting): A Pirate!

Roberts dives for the floor as blaster fire rips through where he was.Glares at Luke: Great, why not post a bloody billboard?

christos200 · April 15, 2012

1) I said man, not Han.

2) TFU= The Force Unleashed. Please see a video in Youtube. From there i took Starkiller. In the game he can use the force to push an entire Star Destroyer.

machievelli · April 16, 2012

1) I said man, not Han.

2) TFU= The Force Unleashed. Please see a video in Youtube. From there i took Starkiller. In the game he can use the force to push an entire Star Destroyer.

I have seen the original Force Unleashed promo, so I understand where that comes from. I have never played it because it came out for gaming machines, and I use a standard computer instead; also my laptop does not have tne memory or graphics to play it.

As for thinking you meant Han, you tend to do odd spellings and wording constantly, so I missed it.

Any other concerns? Oh BTW; before you use the few weeks spent in KOTOR as a 'training time'; Revan's muscle memory is obviously intact, and if you play it as a soldier or scoundrel, the character would assume their previous training made it easier. Scout, because of the specific skills necessary would be more of the 'sneak up from behind and cut the guy's throat' type.

machievelli · April 21, 2012

Rebirth: Revan's Untold Past pt.I

Wick3dWitch27

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young girl joins the Jedi, and leaves her family behind

The piece was like a good beer, a heady brew filled with the child's fears and desire to join the Jedi, a bitter taste at the farewell, and a crisp clean finish as she deals with Vrook as only a child can.

Refreshing and enjoyable

Pick of the Week

The Instruction of Jolee Bindo

mase

Pre KOTOR: Jolee is given a mission, whether he wants it or notification

The piece is just a slice of life that sort of slices Jolee away from what heis doing, which is, like his time on Kashyyk, not much of anything. The idea that the Force will just decide to pick someone is a common thread in the genre, which at least moves the story along.

The Trial and Confession of Canderous Ordo

mase

Post TSL: Canderous has a fierce battle, then explains why he rescued Mira

The piece is tightly written, though the fight was truncated. His explanation as to why didn't fit my view of the Mandalorians, but since it is a standard view, I will say it was well portrayed.

Pick of the Week

Odd Notions

DarthChao

PreKOTOR to Korriban: Yuthuura Ban has some interesting ideas given to her, and grows into them.

The piece has some interesting twists, especially in Sarin's arguments. It reminds me of myself explaining religious thinking to Christians. If you consider the Gods to be the equivalent of electricity, then refusing to accept any good in the other religions around you is like deciding that the only plug you will use is the one in the kitchen by the sink.

Her argument, that the Dark Side is merely the other side of a coin, and equally valid, makes perfect sense. You don't 'fall' to the Dark Side, you merely make a conscious decision to follow a different path, and it like any path made, is as valid as any other path others give you.

I especially liked the logic that strength does not need to equal brutality; something I push hard when people merely make the Mandalorians dumb brutes.

Pick of the Week

What it means to wait

saturdayinaugust

Post KOTOR: He said he wouldn't wait, but he lied...

The view of Carth saying goodbye for the final time is poignant. The feeling as he asks her forgiveness, and her off hand Han Solo like reply. The idea, when she departs to the Unknown regions, he'll wait for her return to give them back to her is perfect.

Pick of the Week

What's In A Name?

saturdayinaugust

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A look into the Temple, with three of our favorites...

The piece is funny, with Revan Malak and Tel, (the Exile) forming bonds of friendship. The one joke we do see (Shaving half of Vrook's eyebrows balances with Kavar coming across as a model type always looking for his reflection to make sure he looks good. The argument about Malak's name (Revan wants to continue to call him Squint, and forces a vote as rigged as any modern election) finally ends when he literally votes the graveyard to win.

Guardians of the Ancient Order

A Shade From The Past

Daemonette19

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Avery gets a chance to strut her stuff

The scene is one of the side quests I didn't like; Primarily because as I mentioned above regarding the Sith, that strength does not mean brutality is acceptable. While historically, both the Samurai and Spartans (The groups I compared the Mando'a to) had their sadists and brutes, both also had a tradition of service that didn't include gratuitous brutality

Atton's Motivation

SilverShadow667

One year post TSL: Sequel to Atton's Redemption, Atton meets a new assistant

The piece is an interesting view of Atton's dissolution due to the loss of his master. Where it goes I do not know, I didn't have time to read the 24 other chapters.

Bone Eagle

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire:

Remember narrative mode. You start in third person, and in the fifth sentence switch to first.

Remember in a desegregated military, only specific honorifics are use, ma'am instead of sir, and in courtesy, such as saying ladies and gentlemen.

The piece is fun because the characters are changed as the old Dragnet TV show said, to protect the innocent.

Revan's Quest

Jedi Revan Onasi

Remember to sight edit. Counsel suggests and advisor instead of the Council, which is the controlling panel of the Jedi.

A twist used before but always interesting; that Revan had a sibling who is also Jedi trained.

Ace Onasi

Kolya

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Carth aids Bastila's escape

The piece would have been more interesting if the author hadn't tried to make Carth such a super hero. Having him fighting using his injured arm to fire a weapon, then as a bludgeon. Having Bastila do everything short of groping him for a kiss, and the constant refrain 'what a guy' sort ruined the piece for me. It was a bit too campy for my tastes

Taking Leave

CrazyOcelot

Post KOTOR: Revan says goodbye to Canderous by giving him a treasure

Like all the work of the author, this piece has it's own poignant charm. Making her gift the last time she sees him as Canderous thinks later, was so that their farewell is light hearted.

Pick of the Week

machievelli · April 29, 2012

Kicking Dashboards and a Homo

Angel of Comfort

Fall Out Guirl

TSL on Dantooine: After the confrontation at the Temple, Atton has to put the Exile back together.

The piece is really too short to get a good feel for it. The scene is generic, and needs polishing.

Entwined

Ella Nutella

Post KOTOR: The woman Revan had become looks back on her past, and that of the person she has become.

Some cumbersome sentence structure, forgivable since the author is originally from Bulgaria. Nothing polishing and a beta reader can't cure.

The piece does what my own KOTOR work did, has the character looking not only at her own past, but the woman she has replaced as well. In my own, that woman is dead, but her memories, now the bulk of what Revan remembers, formed her as Revan's own memories form the Jedi turned Dark Lord before her redemption.

Recruitment

darkpadawan11

TSL on Dxun: Faced with a Dark Jedi, Davrel tries and fails to face his own memories

The piece is a perfect little piece of a minor character'spast, and fight to live up to his own ideals. The problem I had is simple.

I didn't have time to read all; four chapters!

Pick of the Week

Return

Fires of Mordor

Post Jedi Academy II: Two new students discover their new destinies.

I read two chapters of this one; I couldn't help it, there was only enough to tease in part one. But what I did read had me interested enough to wish I had a chance to read on. The master having light sabers from some of the heroes and villains of recent history was well done.

Pick of the Week

An Empire of Lesions

Illmanir

Post TSL: With the Dark Exile going on his own, his associates must hurry to escape Malachor V

A nice piece with all of the dark side characters working frantically to get away from the planet. Five chapters long, too much to read in the little time I have, but if this teases you into reading it, so much better.

Pick of the Week

Vangrul

KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: Carth angst over the death of his wife causes other problems

The piece needs some serious sight editing. There are several places I had to go back and figure out what the sentence meant.

As for basic content, the piece was fun. As the author points out, the derogatory term is also the first part of 'thinking man' so why does it have to be an insult? And all he is really doing is telling Carth to 'be' a man.

As to the idea that he might swing the other way, as the author points out, it would have been better to be partying instead of whining about his loss all this time.

Star Killer, Starkiller, Part 1

Five Days of Summer

saturdayinaugust

KOTOR on Dantooine: Mission meets someone her own age

The piece is fun a brief time without action, with no danger. Just two young people acting as you'd expect. A lot of fun.

Pick of the Week

Return of the Exile

BlameTarisianAle

Post TSL: Atto and the Exile reunited

Remember that a melee weapon is a type, which includes swords, clubs, and even bare hands, so you could have saved the trouble by calling it a sword or lightsaber.

The piece was mainly a slice of life moving through time at a slow pace.

Playing with Matches

Prisoner24601

KOTOR on Korriban: Prequel to Smoke And Mirrors by Dinah Lance, Carth and Min (Revan) discuss how their relationships are not going

The writing pair always turns out good work, and this is not exception. Carth's protection of Bastila balanced with Min's desire for a man twice her age clashes delightfully. Every work by them has memorable lines, including (In this one) the characterization of the Korriban academy as 'a prep school for acne-riddled Malak wannabes' springs to mind. Well worth the read.

Pick of the Week

FreeSourceFull

Pre KOTOR on Taris: Revan remembers the last time she was on the planet

The piece is funny; a Huttette (Female instead of male) as a wannabe Jedi (With a pink pistol no less) kidnapping her. Having the kid not speak her own language was a cute touch. Revan's discussion with the Minkey-Lizard:

'The Kowakian, who has been silent up till now jutts in. “Ne. Ki chuba da naga? Bana ne rima di hatta. Mindi ya bana Jeday” [No. Kids these days. Don’t know their own ass from their homeland. Thinks she’s a Jedi.]

“Bana tila a je kalia duga.” [boy, that must be frustrating.]

“Ji uyari men yo nara.” [You have no idea.]'

Was like a layer of frosting in the cake.

Pick of the Week

Shattered Destiny - Chapter 1 : One Last Hunt

ElvisTheCat

Post TSL: A young Mandalorian warrior gets a chance to become a Jedi

The piece is excellently done, both from the technical view, but from characterization view as well. I always love a story where the Mando'a are represented not as thugs, but as honorable peoples.

Pick of the Week

Coda

Codename SAILORV

Post TSL: As the new Jedi rebuild after Malachor V, those who are left behind also find strength in it.

An excellent piece in an excellent week, the questioning goes from what Revan was really like to which aspect of the force is stronger. It ends on an excellent note. Well worth reading.

Pick of the Week

machievelli · May 6, 2012

A second week unable to access my posting page for Starwarsknights.com, so I am seriously frustrated. When I can post there, I will until then...

From Coruscant Entertainment Center we have MsFicwriter scoring with SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Metamorphosis

Over at kotorfanmedia we have PersephoneWatching scoring three times with Bitter, Burdens which scored best of the week along with HK46 SaturdayInAugust scored a pick for Calling in sick, while LightBulb scored for a ties with the works above for Bombshell: Chapter 1 - Carvings and Lightsabers

Well another week down, so back to real life. Signing off...

Star Wars: Revolution(Second Edition)

Betrayal on Besbin

Christos200

AU During part of TESB: The crew of the Millennium Falcon heads to Bespin to rescue Luke

First, the planet is named Bespin, not Besbin. As I said in an earlier review, have someone beta read your work for errors caused by English being a second language; 'What do we wait?' should be 'Why the wait', or “What's the delay'. 'before some time' should be 'some time ago'

The part where Vader is going over what he intends for Luke should have ended after the first sentence at 'or his friends will die'. Everything after that is obvious and redundant.

Technical Note: A man with a light saber is not going to stand fast and take on a mass of men hand to hand, primarily because the troops would not attack that way until there is no alternative. Stormtroopers or not, they are going to hang back and simply blast him from a distance. Merely running, dodging and doubling back would keep them at more than arms length for hours.

Also, Bespin is described, and in the movie is seen as a small settlement. I would estimate that it would have held less than 5,000 people. Yet you dumped four legions, which is a lot more than that (If Legion means the old Roman unit, you're talking 14,400 men). You'd have them literally in each other's way, unable to deploy or move effectively.

Of all the Jedi attacked after general order 66 was issued, the only one stuck in a situation like you describe was Yoda, who survived.

Your writing style is hard slogging. Between scenes that make no sense and misuse of the language, you're taking a river that should flow easily, and creating white water for no reason.

Christos200

Following Dark Galaxy: A new light dawns (Redux)

Having Jack speak, again, is redundant. In real life, the boy would have walked in, looked around, seen Xin, and merely walked over. Vocalizing that this is who he seeks is unnecessary. Also when the bartender gives the warning, all he had to shout was 'Troopers!' rather than his rather calm, 'It seems' line.

This is Star Wars, not a Martial Arts anime, so you don't have to shout out your attacks. Again you have someone using a lightsaber with no prior training (Blocking shots at him) yet with the skill you would anticipate from someone who has been trained. It would have been unbelievable in the Cantina scene on Tatooine in ANH If Luke did it, and it is unbelievable now.

Hiding behind a table from something like a plasma grenade is like using a paper shield in a sword fight. Having him dive out a window just before it goes off makes more sense.

Having Xin literally waste screen time giving the entire backstory doesn't make sense; it is unlikely that all of the Troopers were killed, and they would be in pursuit. All his long speech did was allow the troopers to attack them on the ground.

You do not 'do' a coup, you pull off one or instigate one. And the idea of breaking up the Republic army makes more sense that keeping a standing Federal army without having an obvious enemy to fight. The Republic is closer to the old US under the Articles of Confederation than to the modern US. Under those rules, the Federal government did not have an army, it depended on the member States calling up their militias to fight.

There would be thousands of, not thousand rakghouls. The city was destroyed (by) the sith. Your wording implies the Sith were destroyed at the same time.

Your method of giving directions would not make sense unless both of the people involved were in a town they knew well. In a real life combat situation, you would merely point and say, 'go on top of that building, and use that cannon to fire on the enemy outside that building so we can load up on fuel'. Also, since fuel is not just a token you can pick up in the game and carry with you, you would move the ship to the fuel, not the other way around.

If you are going to write it in script style, use all of it. You don't just put in Alderaan and go on with the scene, you would put in 'Cut to:' to show a scene change. Read that script I sent you for proper usage.

Having a man jump from one ship to another in space traveling at several hundred kilometers per hour? I won't even go there. It was hard enough to believe Luke jumped from one speeder bike to another.

'Lando: That can be arranged. Xin and Jack go at the base' should be separated; Lando's comment is dialogue, Xin and Jack's actions are background movement.

'You must use it wise' should be 'You must use it wisely'.

'even the armies of Revan, before one hundred years, were slain' Should be 'even the armies of Revan, a century ago, were slain'.

Technical note: Before TESB you do not see a starfighter with an internal hyper drive engine; even in AOTC they are still using hyper rings, and that is 3800 years in the future. You would have to dispatch a ship to carry the fighters to their destination.

As all of the people who work for the Emperor are Sith, you don't need to say they are in Sith uniform. Only mention it is the uniform is different, I.E. a mixed group of officers from different forces.

The holocron has to speak a language he understands for the character to feel anything but confusion. The medallion making him decide to carry it away is contrived. If it is the medallion in question, there should be a way to tell beyond the Exile's 'I think'.

You have HK acting like C3P0 from the original series. The two are not compatible, no matter how often you hear him called a protocol droid. I cannot picture HK passing the canapes instead of merely blowing everyone around him to hell, yet I can picture C3P0 doing it without a problem.

Killing all of the natives is not a logical option for Jedi. Remember Luke using the Force to convince the Ewoks not to fight them.

Differentiating between which target is yours is redundant; Picture the Millennium Falcon. There is an area of about 160 degrees where the upper cannon are unable to engage a target . In the EU, Han Solo called the 40 degree section above and below the center line the 'sweet spot' assigning more points (When he and Chewie had to man the turrets) to targets below or above the center line.

The scene where the enemy ship catches the Ebon Hawk with a tractor beam is almost a scene for scene rip off of ANH. In one of the Eu books, Luke Skywalker used a proton torpedo to blow the tractor beam up, and in another Han Solo uses a mock up of a larger CEC ship which the Falcon is hidden in to distract the tractor beam crew long enough to escape. Another time Han dumped a cargo of grain.

Without cloning, you can't have Helena still be alive without more explanation than has been given. i.e., the Darth stabbing her below the heart, and getting her to medical attention, though you would then have to explain how she had been brainwashed.

The piece like a lot of your works I have read, has too many problems to be accepted as written.

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Metamorphosis

MsFicwriter

Star Wars TOR Part Four of an ongoing work: While still worried about detection, our heroes accept the procedure.

I have been awaiting this update, worried that my last review had stymied the author. It's good to see I was wrong, and the explanations of how this procedure would pass the test I mentioned was superbly done. Well worth the wait.

Pick of the Week

Bombshell: Chapter 1 - Carvings and Lightsabers

Bitter

PersephoneWatching

KOTOR on Korriban: The reunion between the Onasi family gets off to a bad start

The piece was short, which bothered me. I had been drawn in like a fish looking at the bait on the hook when suddenly the fisherman pulled it back up out of my reach. The idea of the one small memento that constantly reminds him of that hell was choice

I wanted more!

Pick of the Week

Burdens

PersephoneWatching

12 years Post KOTOR: Admiral Onasi has an unexpected visitor

The piece is short and poignant. I agree with Kiraboros that it can be fleshed out, but if it were a meal this would be the perfectly grilled steak.

Pick of the Week

LightBulb

approximately 18 years Post KOTOR: A ship crashes with an unexpected guest

Technical note: A scanning officer whether he is using radar or sonar would not imagine where a vessel is, he would estimate it. No biggie.

The piece was well done, the idea that Dustil would reach master status logical. The only unanswered question (Which I hope would be answered in later chapters) is who the girl is. Considering Bastila's enigmatic 'you're involved' to Carth, I would assume this is a daughter he never knew he had. This is one of those pieces that makes me wish I could read all of the follow on posts.

Pick of the Week

Surprise

Ravenrand16

2 years Post KOTOR: I didn't think it was that bad at first...

After the buildup, the piece rather let me down. Of course Carth was probably off on assignment when Morgana went through it, but Mission is a street kid, and I would have expected her to identify the cause.

HK46

PersephoneWatching

Pre KOTOR: So that's why it's HK 47!

The piece as others pointed out is reminiscent of the scene from Frankenstein when the monster is brought to life. His mental comment after removing, Malak's jaw, is pure choice.

Very fun.

Pick of the Week

Calling in sick

SaturdayInAugust

KOTOR on Tatooine: Always read the label when you take medicine...

The piece is a riot of fun. A cold sweeping through the ship, misusing the medicine for it, Gizka, and Mission's love of at least one of them. The end with everyone else catching the cold was perfect.

Pick of the Week,

I Will Carry You

Fall Out Guirl

TSL on Malachor V: Atton finally admits his feelings

A surprising end, considering both their reactions in the game

A Time in the Sun

Candace McPenguin

Post KOTOR on Lehon: Bastila needs help healing her pain

The piece dragged a bit at the start, but it picked up when Mical entered the scene. Having Mical make a guest appearance as a Medic who is drawn to Bastila to aid her healing and how he helped her was fun.

For Loving You

Darth Franky

Post KOTOR: Bastila has to deal with Revan's departure

The piece was too short to get a good feel for the story, though her heartbreak came through very well.

No Time To Rest

Phantom6612

KOTOR over Rakata Prime: The Ebon Hawk fights for her life

The piece was short, and confusing. The lead up to the battle scene made little sense, and the delay in manning the weapons even less.

Epilogue to Redemption

Rian Sage

Post TSL: Answer to an interesting challenge

The Challenge was a romance, but it couldn't be with someone on the ship with the character during the game. The author got around it by having Revan and Atton fall in love, though the build up implies that it is only a cover for a mission. The explanation as to why the most common link ups, Carth and Revan, Atton and the Exile did not come about was merely tossed out rather than explored in detail.

Atton's worst nightmare

The Penguin Squad

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton has a seriously off day

The piece is light, and unfortunately was not as amusing as the author might have hoped. Still haven't figured out where dancing with squirrels had to do with it...

machievelli · May 13, 2012

Yet another week unable to Access Fusion and StarwarsKnights. The weirdest thing is that I was finally able to get into SWK itself (Not the poster's interface) and it comes up as of November of last year instead of last month.

Go figure.

But I can keep trying to do my job, so without further ado...

Over at Coruscant Entertainment Center MsFicwriter score a pick and tie for best this week with SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: A Prime Candidate

Over at Fanfiction.net Mediator Zhang scored a pick for Bastila's Interviews but Peter J Gaffney tied for best with KOTOR; The making of

Then from kotorfanmedia Ghostie scored a pick for One Two Three The Rise of Calo Nord along with Greengrass1914 for Those Who Trespass Against Us while knightoftheoldrepublicis the last in the three way tie with The Silver Lining - Prologue - The Escape

Back to my writing...

Star Wars The Old Republic: Despair and Hope

Chevron 7 locke

SW TOR On Taris: A Sith feels an emotion that has nothing to do with evil

The piece is up to the author's standards, which are high. The only problems I had with it were technical, and in order...

Technical notes: An interceptor is a specific type of ship, and is usually what the genre calls a snub fighter. Of course that means you don't have room for more than two in such a ship.

Second, a space on a ship is called a compartment, not a room.

Good work, keep it up.

Varik's Tale: Prologue

LDR

SW set in the Old Republic game on Iziz: A trap is set

As it is a prologue, it is short, as expected. The beginning was a bit of a disappointment because the two now dead people were not even introduced or characterized, though of course they were dead so quickly it doesn't really matter, merely a quirk of my own

The dialogue worked to clear the air instead, and I am awaiting more.

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: A Prime Candidate

MsFicwriter

Set in TOR on Coruscant: Part five of the ongoing epic, Another shock for our hero

I like it when an author throws in an unexpected plot twist, and this author scored big time with her revelation of who she is protecting. The story is flowing well and the only complaint I have is the same thing that allows her to recognize who he is should also work on her. But that's me nitpicking...

Pick of the Week

The Sith Lords Cut Ending

Bastila's Interviews

Mediator Zhang

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: As the voyage progresses, Bastila interviews her compatriots for a news program.

The piece was short for obvious reasons, and while I knew the problem almost immediately, I still chuckled as Bastila suffered the same affliction. From what I did read, I know it is probably as funny all the way through.

Pick of the Week

Enclave

daemonette19

KOTOR on Tatooine: Such a small thing...

The piece starts out softly, with the party merely talking to the Sand People, then degenerates into a full blown melee because of a simple accident. This didn't surprise me; when you have two different cultures interacting, it is a given that you can do something badly wrong merely by accident. Robert Heinlein in a commentary he did on a possible first cotanct situation suggested something off the wall; having a one man band perform. Not because they would understand or appreciate, rather that it would be something so bizarre that the human side would get a look into the alien's mentality. Having attempted to loot the Sand People's lair without starting a fight first (Some advice, don't) I knew it would happen.

The odd things for me were two; first, Avery (Revan) seemed to have a flashback moment like a sufferer of PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) when she refers to the Sand People as Mandalorians. Then going into a fugue not unlike berserkergang (The name for a berserker rage) but in healing.

Mithostwen

TSL on Malachor V: Kreia deals with the others before dealing with the Exile.

The piece is based on cut scene dialogue. After reading this work I'm going to have find it for myself.

KOTOR; The making of

Peter J Gaffney

PreKOTOR Parody: Viewing the game action from the inside...

Considering all of the characters as actors, the piece is a lot of fun. The ships being bought as props, Juhani as costume mistress because she likes to sleep on the piled up cloth...

Pick of the Week

A Hero's Return

Shadowani

Seven years Post KOTOR: Revan finally returns

The piece was a little flat, the return just Revan walking in and saying hi.

The adventures of Gurt Regald

Gurt Regald

Post TSL: The adventures of a Republic captain

The piece is too short to get a feel, but came across a little marisue.

One Two Three The Rise of Calo Nord

Ghostie

Pre KOTOR: As the twig is bent...

The piece gives an excellent view of the life of someone downtrodden until he strikes back. The reasoning behind where the mysterious food comes from briefly is well explained, and his vengeance is superbly done.

Pick of the Week

In the Dark - Chapter One

Cameron Brooke

KOTOR on Taris: Another survivor of the Endar Spire is helped to escape

The piece covers one of the survivors handed off to the doctor. The intro gives you someone alone, and still trying to resist. Well worth reading.

Broken-Prologue

Lightbulb

Pre-KOTOR to the present: While Revan returns to complete her mission, six clones of the woman are being raised...

The concept is interesting, adding the Kamino to the mix and now having six extra Revans would be make life interesting in this world. Only one technical problem.

Technical note: You don't see hyper capable fighters until AOTC, and they used hyper rings. There is no mention in the games of such devices.

The only part I thought was a bit overdone was Hagan's automatic assumption that havoc would automatically follow the clones. While possible, it might just be a bunch of kids free of restrictions for the first time.

Sacrifice

Ajrand

KOTOR on Star Forge: The third option

First option, Light Side, Second, Dark Side, Third, a stalemate. The only problem I had with the piece was the Judea-Christian aspect, to succeed, we have to die.

The Silver Lining - Prologue - The Escape

knightoftheoldrepublic

KOTOR after the escape from Taris: The crew settles into being aboard the Ebon Hawk

The aftermath of the battle in the hanger was well done, and the escape, including the battle in the apartment building perfect.

The only problem I had was with Carth not being a pilot, and a fashion plate to boot. Bastila's being in search of a place to dress was also funny. T3 being a little porn factory was a riot.

Pick of the Week

Those Who Trespass Against Us

Greengrass1914

PreKOTOR Aboard Leviathan: Saul Karath assists in recruiting one new Sith Hopeful

The piece is well done, showing both the degradation of the survivors, and the crew's distaste in dealing with them. Karath comes across both avuncular, and insulting to Dustil, and it is his actions that finally drives Dustil into the arms of the Sith. His rationalization; that he saved Carth's son sounds a little forced.

Pick of the Week

machievelli · May 20, 2012

Running late, and still unable to either get into the SWK site to post, or contact an admin that can help. At my wit's end. But I'm plugging along...

From Coruscant Entertainment Center MsFicwriter scores a pick and a tie for best with

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Red, Red, Red!

Over at kotorfanmedia Ajrand scored a pick for

In the Wake

And finally over at Fanfiction.net Sakura395 scores a pick and the tie for Best with Across Generations

followed by CyberneticMagician's highly amusing Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic: Light Side

Well, back to the grind...

SW: TOR: Reckoning of a Lost Soul: Red, Red, Red!

MsFicwriter

SW: TOR on Coruscant: Part six of the ongoing epic, Things begin to happen rapidly. What will the hero do now?

The piece keeps flowing well, and plot twists abound. The 'candidate' suggesting a legal system spanning every planet actually makes some sense. However one technical point, Tatooine is not listed as a member planet; it's a wholly owned planet by the Hutt clans according to everything I have read.

Can't wait to see what is next.

Pick of the Week

Jedi Hunter

Christos200

AU 28 years after ROTJ: A shadowy figure hunts the Jedi

It starts off like the typical horror movie; two people minding their own business when the attack comes, but there it stops making sense. First, smoke doesn't just appear. It could be a mind trick of of some kind, but if it were, it is unlikely that the older Jedi had never heard of the possibility such a thing. Your characters do not act typically; a couple of drinks is not going to stop them from readying their weapons for example. They come across as confused. In every case in every movie where you have Jedi, it is an almost instinctive reaction to at least reach for their lightsabers.

Remember that with your style you're writing a script. To describe the scene you have here, what you could have done, since you're not showing either the killer or the weapon, what would have done it without Force powers being mentioned is:

Ted (The unnamed Younger Jedi) scans the smoke nervously. A shape flashes between the camera and him, and when it is gone, Ted now looks shocked. He looks down at a wound in his chest, then falls forward.

Even here, you remaining Jedi doesn't draw his weapon. Why? And there is no need (And no sense) for him to speak aloud. Again, look at this scene instead:

Fred (Survivor) ignites his lightsaber, looking left and right cautiously. He pauses, and turns just a little toward his left. As he does, the shadowy figure appears to his right and behind.

Again, you had no weapon seen. So we don't know what the killer is using. If it were a simple blade, it would be a flash as light reflects from it. A vibroblade would have a whining sound, and a lightsaber would have the snap hiss of ignition.

Your killer's lair sounds like the movie versions of the Batcave from the older movies. Since it is a secret location, this is understandable, but having a verbal password is an antique. It would be easier to have an optical scanner for the eye or hand.

“Before two day' should be 'two days ago', just as 'Before three years' should be 'Three years ago'. As for the report of Nilas' death, 'dead here and 2 days' should be 'He's been dead for two days. 'Other eleven remain' should be 'That just leaves the other eleven'. As I have said before, get someone to beta your work to avoid improper language usage.

Having the man in the security room offer a Jedi youngling a dime makes no sense, since he could just as easily use his own com panel to call Skywalker. The scene is reminiscent of the Movie Tora, Tora,Tora! Where the telegraph operator in Hawaii just puts the warning in the stack of outgoing telegrams to Fort Shafter because the sending agency forgot to mark it urgent or as the military uses, OPERATION IMMEDIATE.

In the scene inside Katan's room you finally explain the smoke from previously, but again your Jedi goes into it dumb as a post; not readying himself for combat, just standing there stupid.

As for the report of Nilas' death, why is Luke wasting time even listening to it? He just saw the dead man a few moments before. The entire scene is contrived. Look at this:

Luke rushing toward Katan's room. Hunter, disguised as Nilas steps aside as Luke rushes past him.

Also, unless it is the under levels of the city-planet, there is nowhere a body is going to lay for days without being reported. Even there it would have been stripped of anything of value within hours.

Technical note: When you write, assume your reader has never played a game. It may sound stupid, but if you read my books I never use different Force powers from the game by name. When I used the equivalent of Force Speed in my Return From Exile, I merely had the observer see the Jedi start to run forward, then suddenly reappear further on than would be natural. In Republic Dawn I had Breia Solo use Force Lightning, but just had her grab something, and had electricity arc through it.

In dealing with the computer, your initial question is too broad. Think about a master computer somewhere, and you ask it for information about say Jesus Christ. The smallest amount of Data you would get that is full Data on the subject (Without Miracles) is what I call the Police Report on Jesus in the book, The Word where it is a bare bones recitation about his birth and early years, then an in depth look at his actions for the last two years (The period when he gathered the disciples and preached up to his arrest and execution). For a man in his fifties, the computers answer to your question would, in other words, cover almost two and a half pages.

Remember, except when they make the computer sentient, they are literal constructs. It would have made more sense to limit the question to present location, or have the computer itself ask for exactly what answer you seek.

As for the Face Spray, it neatly explains why the killer got the blood sample, but you should know if the computer has the capability, rather than ask it. Also, instead of having the man say out loud or think what it does, it would be better, again, to have the computer give him the warning so we, the viewer/reader, know.

Unless your computer is linked to the system in the Jedi temple, there is no way it is going to introduce a virus into their system without your killer carrying in some storage media for it. Even the most rinkydink net based company has security software to stop attempts to insert virii from outside. Unless your computer is superior to theirs, it would not succeed. Possible? Yes. Likely? No. Also, since the computer doesn't have a face, you don't need a holo- projector/receiver. The scene would have been better this way:

Hunter stops at a com panel, setting his comlink against it. There is a beep, and he punches some buttons, which is answered by another beep. He removes the comlink, returning it to his robe. Now we the audience do not know what has happened yet, but in a following scene;

Hunter touches the com panel button.

Cut to security camera view of hall. Suddenly the screen fuzzes.

Except for that above, the piece was pretty good.

When Saving the Universe is your Only Option

In the Wake

Ajrand

Five years Post KOTOR: Who is this woman, and is she enemy or ally?

The piece is well done. Revan is sick of her quest, just wanting it to be over. The confrontation is well done, and the end surprising enough that I want more.

Pick of the Week

Leaving Taris

Samuraibrarian

KOTOR Post-Taris: A freshly created 'Revan' deals with planet wide destruction

The piece is interesting because the named character reacted in a manner reminiscent of ANH when Obi Wan reacts to the still distant destruction of Alderaan.

Perhaps distance causes the effects to be less, but we don't have enough evidence...

Technical note; As one author said, men who went to sea immediately created their own jargon to differentiate themselves from the local landsmen. Go to Lucasforums>Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out. A ship does not have halls, it has passageways or companion ways; differentiated by a passageway is room to move, while a companionway is large enough for two or more.

A well done view of the effects with a slower attack than we saw with Alderaan.

randomtastic7

Pre KOTOR On Coruscant: The crew is not complete yet...

The piece is a drawn out version of the intro, but it's excellently done; we have a better view of the character and her background.

Technical note; you would not reapply a hood, you would pull it back into position.

The piece is worth a look.

Together

Ajrand

KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: Juhani watches the one she cares about

Once you forgot a word; 'Then you don't get confused (by) the lies everyone uses to protect themselves,'. no biggie, I do it all the time. Just remember to sight edit before posting.

The piece is just a slice of life. Juhani watching through the Force as Liah (Revan) interacts with the crew. Juhani is obsessing not only on the woman, but the situation they are steering into.

Birth of the Shadow

Allronix

The piece reaches into both characters, seeing as the Echani do, the inner workings of the heart through combat. A well done use of the Echani ways.

Shadows of a Nonexistant Past

SeFoster

Two Years Post KOTOR: Revan still searches for a past that might never have been

An interesting take on the subject of Revan trying to find whose memories he has. No matter how he searches, he can find no clue as to the people that were supposed to be the parents of his present identity. Was it all an elaborate drama created just to link his mind to? But, there is still Coruscant to check...