The Critic's 2 cents

[machievelli]

Fanfiction.net

 

Just Like Me

Amme Moto

 

KOTOR on Endar Spire: The heroine gets a little unexpected help

 

The piece had a fun feel to it. The heroine learning over a few months to deal with the other woman in her head before the battle happens, and the byplay between the two during the battle is choice. The argument over whether to attack the Sith squad or using the droid (Which is partially overheard by Carth) sets up some interesting possibilities to me.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Third Chance

Inconspicuous Acuity

 

Pre KOTOR: A Republic ship heads for an ambush

 

A quibble about timing. As you yourself pointed out, the 'great battle' in the game came down to one ship getting shot to hell, yet yours starts with it enroute to that battle. You also leave Revan completely out of the equation of the Star Forge; Malak having a massive fleet with Revan before capture having only what she took out with her. Now I do agree that the Forge might not have been up to speed yet, or Revan (Who is the tactical Genius while Malak is the Bull in the China Shop) had been holding them back before deployment.

 

One thing I have never understood about the game is why the Sith hadn't been refurbing ships using parts made by the Star Forge instead of new-built ships. I know the new ships makes deployment faster, but to conceal it's capability, making spare parts would have kept the other ships in service long beyond their service life, which would make you deployment of Republic vessels taken into service by the Sith sensible.

 

Technical note: Read my own article over at Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! Because she isn't in her bedroom, she is in her sleeping compartment.

 

Military tech note; Before the formation of the US military during our Revolution, mustangs (Enlisted men who later served as officers) was a rarity, and especially in the Navy. An enlisted man, say a sergeant, might receive a battlefield promotion if a senior officer really needs the help, but when a ship came back in with only enlisted men commanding, the navy just said 'good man', and filled out the officers cadre again from those who were 'qualified'.

 

This is because except for the US military and the Republics that followed, you bought your commissions between 1600 and 1900. Before that it was your social rank, so a snot nosed kid who was Duke automatically outranks anyone except for the king, regardless of experience.

 

But in the mid 18th century the British navy began competitive exams for promotion to Lieutenant, a very important step, and what is now called 'brevet' promotions between Lieutenant and commander and post captain, what we now just call Captain. Once you had made captain however, it was all seniority. Something the army didn't do until the British government had bought up all those commissions which finally ended just as the century turned. A lot of the carnage during WWI was due to British Colonels and Generals who had bought their way to Colonel (The last purchased rank) and were then promoted due to seniority.

 

So far (Author's Intro and pre battle) it is pretty good.

 

Walk On Water

Omnitense

 

Post KOTOR: Revan goes in search of himself

 

The idea that Revan would try to find out at least some about his previous life is an obvious thing, but there were some odd turns in this story; the idea that the Jedi Masters just reprogrammed him to their own narrow view of the world without even attempting to wonder what had caused him to turn is interesting, as is the idea that his home world had not changed, but he didn't remember the planet.

 

Technical note: a ship does not have an east or west compartment, because east or west depends on the facing on a compass, not just the way the drawing oriented. That is why a vessel has port and starboard along the frames of the ship from fore to aft. Also why a house will have east and west rooms since it anchored the planet.

 

Players of the Old Republic

Inconspicuous Acuity

 

No set time: How the world reacts to the game...

 

The piece is funny, having one of the teens get murdered by Malak, and the parents acting as if they didn't even know. Blaming the game for all the world's evil is also perfect, considering D&D was so blamed just a few decades ago.

 

Star Wars A Forgotten Hero

JamesFisko24

 

Before Phantom Menace: A young Jedi begins his own training center.

 

When I looked at the prologue from your work I immediately checked the nationality. I noticed that you are American, and already out of High School, so I had expected much better.

 

The first problem is that there are a number of misspellings. This can be handled using a spell checker, but you also had a number of misused words that would pass a check such as fond instead of found.

 

The biggest problem is that there is no coherence; the prologue (Just an intro) covers his life from the streets to starting his own academy, sort of like using the entirety of Roman History to just act as a showcase for the arrival of the Christians.

 

You have to remember that while writing is hard work, it should be for the writer, not the reader. A reader wants you to 'tell them a story', and you have to grab their attention and keep it. Try reading a story to a child, and you will notice when their attention slips. Maybe you're using words they don't understand, or the story isn't compelling.

 

A reader is harder to please, because unlike the child who just has to put up with whatever you chose, the reader can put the book back on the shelf and chose something that does interest them.

 

So go on writing, but remember that if you don't please the reader, it doesn't matter if you publish a million words or just a simple haiku.

 

Confrontation

Inconspicuous Acuity

 

TSL on Dantooine: The Exile meets Revan in a vision, and deals with her own complicity

 

The piece was thought provoking. The primary thing she learns here is that as much as she wishes to blame Revan for her actions, she must take responsibility for what she herself had done. The confrontation with the Masters will soon follow, and she is now more composed.

 

kotorfanmedia

 

Silver Splash

Evil Shall Giggle

 

Post TSL On Dantooine: With the adventure over, Mira must make a decision, and comes to a realization

 

The piece is well laid out, and I understand her fascination with fountains and rain combined. Her thoughts are clearly expressed; her feeling for Dain (The Exile) are clearly the love soldiers have for a good leader, but her feelings for Atton are more primal. As the author said in the last line, because Mira tends to run away from her feelings rather than confronting them.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Touring the Ship

Allronix

 

TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Canderous walks the ship and his memories

 

The piece was written for a KFM challenge, 'lies'. You can feel his loss and his new displeasure as he does. He remembers the ship in three incarnations; as Davik's smuggler/yacht, under Revan's command, and now under the Exile, and the new crew comes out second best, barely ahead of the thugs who had been the crew under Davik.

 

Like any old warrior, he like remember the challenge best, and thinks the new crew will never measure up. While he lied to Kreia, claiming he had never been on board, compared to what is there now, it wasn't munch of one.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Rule #1

Jedi Valius

 

Post TSL on Ossus: Rule #1: Never let anyone near you...ever.

 

The piece was interesting, like the old west bit where the old gunfighter has to fight that one enemy before he dies. As SS said, a pity you set it on a dead planet. But move it to anywhere else, and it works well. Hell, one thing I try to do is create one new planet in every one of my works so that we don't end up yet again on Dantooine or Tatooine.

 

I loved it right up until Mira got killed, and Rule one came back to haunt Atton yet again.

 

I had to agree with RPT; you went to all the trouble to create this nemesis Atton had to confront, yet all we see of him in the final confrontation is Atton attacking him, then him dead, so no vengeance is gained. I didn't feel his self imposed mission was worth Mira's life.

 

Pick of the Week

 

A Miraluka Never Lies

Bald As Malak

 

TSL Aboard Ravager: Visas comes to e revelation, and knows she must do the unthinkable; She must lie.

 

The piece takes an in depth look at the Miraluka society and values. To a people interconnected to the Force, there can be no lies, but as she survives the death of her race, then bonds herself to Nihilus rather than merely die. Her search leads her to the thought that there is something beyond the Force, where every lie she has been told by her society and situation will be no more. So she goes in search of the Exile not to kill or to join, she goes to die.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Betrayal

SecondRate

 

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: Don't tell Atton about your chocolate stash... Just as Mira!

 

The piece is funny with a couple times where you're sure either Mira has shot him or at least came close. His attemptys at explanations don't help, as he just gives her another reason to be mad.

 

Beauty and the Scoundrel

Kiraboros

 

Originally reviewed 8 December 2006 at Lucasforums. That review is below:

 

After TSL: Sometimes the best way to get people together is with a little force...

 

There are some words usage issues, but nothing major. The basic idea as one of the characters said is as old as time, but that doesn’t mean it can’t work.

 

Reprise Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

good work. ill take ur suggestions in mind

 

 

Nice to know you're paying attention. After all, though I am called the critic, my job is more on the order of a creative writing teacher.

[machievelli]

kotorfanmedia

 

Origins of Pain

Imaginary Fiend

 

Pre TSL: With Malak dead, and Revan redeemed, there is room at the top

 

Others have commented on grammar errors, so I won't. This shows a side of Sion you only barely see in the game, that he had a lady love of his own in the Academy who died there. Also that when he left the Korriban Academy, he was only fleeing, not putting a crown on his own head.

 

Well done

 

Consumed

Eru Melin

 

Originally posted at Galactic Senate, Coruscant Theatre 22 Dec 2006 under the name Emalin. That review slightly altered, is below:

 

TSL on Malachor V: The duel between Atton and the Disciple

 

During TSL: Atton and the Disciple face off in one of the many cut scenes.

 

The constant driving himself to attack makes Atton look not only real, but a little deranged. Very well done.

 

Reprise Pick of the Week

 

Atton's Unexpected Detour

Bald As Malak

 

Pre TSL: How Atton ended up on Peragus

 

The piece is fun, and perfectly believable. The idea of a Twi-Lek female, the epitome of sexual attraction wanting to find a man who wants her for her mind was even more fun. Ending up on Peragus and finding a card game fit well.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Blood-Prologue

Evil Shall Giggle

 

Pre KOTOR: A girl gets a chance to see the world as the Jedi see it

 

The primary problem I had was the idea that only Jedi have midichlorians. From the description given as to what they are, it suggests they are all pervasive; like the flu virus. While the same virus would be a benign inhabitant in some, it would cause others to get ill.

 

There is also no evidence that a transfusion of blood from a Jedi would give you the same capabilities. If there were, I could see a black market arising where they are kidnapped and drained.

 

Love Should Be A Rifle

Harmoniad

 

TSL Aboard the Ebon Hawk: HK tries to define life and love

 

The piece is an amusing little jaunt, and his decision, that he has to keep Bao-Dur alive, if only to maintain his rifle, is funny.

 

Kreia's Loathing

Crystal001

 

Pre TSL: Kreia's musing on the thing she hates the most

 

Here Kreia is just frustrated as we all get with life. As a Jedi she had tried and failed to make changes, then as a Sith. Now she is determined to change something even if it kills her.

 

Fanfiction.net

 

Promise

Lady Revan

 

KOTOR enroute to the Star Forge: Carth has to face his own feelings

 

The piece is excellent as is most of LR's work. Considering where it started, I wish I could read the other thirty-odd chapters.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Unknown00Love

The Mishaness

 

TSL on Malachor V: Only then does she realize...

 

The piece is short, but the feeling strong. Holding the body of the man she finally admits she loved was poignant.

 

The Adventures of Bastila Shan

Omnitense

 

Post KOTOR: With Revan now gone on his quest, Bastila finds she must flee herself.

 

The piece was interesting, albeit short. The ship made me think of friends I used to have that never got around to fixing their cars even as they still drove them.

 

The Legend of the Grey Knight

Darth Shihiro

 

Your opening paragraph was far too long. Remember that a paragraph should deal with only one idea. By my count, it covered four.

 

Some confusing sentence structure and lack of punctuation; As an example, 'It is said you have passed with honors every single one of the assassin tests thrown at you and that is something that I Lord Leon can advance to a level that will make the mere mention of your name to those pathetic Jedi a death sentence'. would read better as;

 

'It is said you have passed every single one of the assassin tests thrown at you with honors. That is something that I, Lord Leon can advance to a level that will make the mere mention of your name to those pathetic Jedi a death sentence'.

 

The other problem is flow. Think of a river; your story should flow smoothly from place to place, taking the reader with it. Overly long paragraphs or confusing sentences are like sand bars snagging the reader and dragging them to a stop.

 

The piece is intriguing, but I don't know if the Sith carry over the 'Padawan' into their lexicon since all you ever hear the Dark Jedi calling a student is 'apprentice'.

 

Star Wars: Combat Evolved

cthulhu-2588

 

Decades after KOTOR: A young scientist makes a discovery

 

The piece was intriguing, but disjointed. There is no explanation for who the aliens were or why they even attacked the planet. I had considered that they might be the Yuuzhan Vong originally, but the description didn't match

 

The Hopes of the Republic

Kendoka Girl

 

You had a redundant 'sir' in Trask's reply. The problem is, this is a way to insult a senior officer without the man having a reason to get irritated by it.

 

Technical note: According to the Wookiepedia, the class of the Endar Spire is a frigate, a much smaller class of vessel than a battle cruiser. One problem I have had with the whole SW series has been that they use very few class designations; sticking with blastboat (What I would define as a gunboat instead) corvette frigate and cruiser. There is no given class for either the Star Destroyer or Super Star Destroyer for example.

 

Fighters: Until the Imperial era, fighters were not hyperspace capable. They were using rings in the Clone war era, but we have not seen those in the game era 4,000 years earlier. Since the Leviathan is only about half the size of the Star Destroyer (Which carries 72 fighters) having 300 begs the question of what carried them all to the battle.

 

Melee weapons; A melee weapon is a class of weapon, not a specific tool. It can be fists, clubs, knives, even guns used to club someone with. While the game had Trask give this instruction, merely putting away his blaster and drawing his sword would be enough instruction.

 

The piece is well done, and the battle scenes aboard the Endar Spire flowed very well. The disjointed thoughts; confused when she awakes, then remembering her time in the academy, picking up a sword and only then remembering that she was class champion does make her an interesting character to watch.

 

I just wish I had time to read it all.

 

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Fury of the Shadow

Yukub

 

Earth present day: A terrorist makes an appearance, and delivers a warning.

 

Technical note; Before the advent of the modern frangible bullet, no one in his right mind fired a gun in an aircraft; the bullet would pierce the skin and cause an explosive decompression anywhere above 10,000 feet because the air pressure inside the aircraft is lowered to that level as they go higher.

 

Second; there has been exactly one hijacking where a parachute was aboard, that was the DB Cooper hijacking of a 727-100 on 24 November 1971. At that time, Cooper had the aircraft land to unload the passengers, most of the crew, (three stews) and had two parachute sets (two main and two secondary) loaded. You see, putting on a parachute is not something that can be trusted to the untrained, and having them aboard for all passengers (The plane Cooper had hijacked had 36 passengers aboard before the civilians were removed with total possible of 150) would have been a nightmare if they needed to use them. So they are not standard equipment on any commercial aircraft in the world.

 

The primary reason I believe that Cooper chose that flight was that it was the only American airliner of the time that has a rear loading ramp for passengers. Anywhere below 10,000 feet and a speed of less than 300 knots would allow him to parachute out without too much trouble. Any other Boeing, or for that matter Douglas product before 1967 had side loading doors, requiring a lower speed.

 

Fanfiction.net

 

Star Wars Combat Evolved Revans Journey

cthulhu-2588

 

Crossover between Halo and KOTOR: Now Revan has to fight this enemy

 

Technical: I had been bothered by an enemy totally impervious to weapons the Mandalorians or Republic would field, and it wasn't until this piece that I suddenly realized you had done a crossover with Halo. The problem is that the human ships, weapons and defenses of the game are not far removed from our modern day. The Master Chief in Halo is using weapons like what you can get today with little refinement. Yet KOTOR is perhaps 30-50 years advanced over our own; (We are already looking at the 'laser pulse weapon in 40 watt range' mentioned in the original 'Terminator' movie).

 

So even with such a difference, it is like a British General being terrified by the advent of the machine gun at the start of WWI. And from what I have seen of the game, the enemy is not impervious; just harder to kill.

 

The Ever Changing

Jackie Almasy

 

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk after Leviathan: The one torn apart most by the revelation tries to pull herself together

 

In my own version of this scene Revan just went into a fugue and wrestled mentally with the two different sides of her being. The scenes here were actually better than mine, wrestling not with her own mind, but with that added to feeling she has betrayed all of them by not knowing.

 

Pick of the Week

 

A Love for A Scoundrel

Fall Out Guirl

 

TSL after Malachor V: With Atton laying injured and unconscious, the Exile is finally willing to admit her feelings

 

The piece is poignant with that feel of finally saying what you think and feel. Too often in life we do not do that, leave things unsaid until it is too late. I loved the end for the same reason I loved the phrase 'I know' When Han Solo said it in TESB.

 

Our True Love

Fall Out Guirl

 

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton admits his past, and the Exile decides she loves him

 

The piece was a little too pat for me, as was the scene itself. I never liked the idea that the Exile would hear Atton's story and decide then to make him a Jedi; In fact in my version only the women were so graced originally, though all could be. Part of my problem with the scene vis a vis Atton was 'he's a stone killer specializing in Jedi, but I am going to trust him'.

 

The Wayside

Gan Xinqba

 

Originally reviewed 13 January 2006 at kotorfanmedia. That review is below:

 

Set in KOTOR II I believe. An intelligence agent and ex-Jedi apprentice investigates the suspicious deaths of several Jedi masters.

 

Written in a journalistic style, the author leads you gently into the story with a bit about the main character, setting the scene and characters, and draws you into his created world. Very well done.

 

Reprise Pick of the Week

 

Mirrored Souls: Beyond the Travels

David Alan Abramczyk

 

Post TSL AU on Dantooine:

 

An interesting view of what follows TSL; having Visas and Brianna melded into one. Beyond that, it is a pretty much generic version of two people getting ready for a night of love.

 

kotorfanmedia

 

A Master's Vision

Ellecrys

 

Pre KOTOR on Taris: A Jedi master dies to set the future in stone

 

The author says it's is their first work. My Statement, Bravo! The character created is almost a caricature; a Jedi who sacrifices herself to save Rand. But the author makes her alive, links her to the Exile in such a way the sacrifice makes sense, then links Atton back to that woman he would later serve.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Affection's Acceptance

RogueLadySabyne

 

Post TSL on Telos: Mical tries to get closer to Sabyne.

 

Others commented on the author fleshing out Mical, but he is the one character that has needed fleshing out from the start. As for making a character likeable, if any character needs help with that, in my opinion Mical is the one. I am curious as to why she had been avoiding him all this time; unless it is the reason he thinks it is.

 

Gunning Down Romance

RogueLadySabyne

 

Post TSL, no location given: Atton has a hard decision to make

 

The piece is both poignant and angst ridden. While there is no proof that Mical went with her on her search for Revan, Atton is still convinced she left because she loved the other man more. As he wanders through this story, he is torn between wanting her back, and wishing he never met her, until the end.

 

Pick of the Week

 

The Persistence of Memory Part I

Niobe Asha

 

TSL shortly before the Exile's crash on Telos: Bao-Dur is enlisted in the struggle against Czerka

 

All of the complaints about the piece are listed below under Canon

 

Canon: According to the Wookiepedia, Ithorians of a herd generally unable to act against the status quo. There are only about half a specific Ithorians named who have done in the 12,000 years since first contact, so the idea of a Mission Impossible sort of rogue group is highly unlikely. However if they had instead merely suggested to Bao Dur that Czerka had to be stopped, but left it up in the air as to how, the Iridonian could have come up with a rationale for it. Picture a human version of the same thing from one of my own stories; a Catholic priest who has a patient on life support, and no chance of recovery. He could suggest that someone who does not share his specific faith can unplug it and allow him to die.

 

I know of this from experience with my own mother; when she had her seventh child her doctor warned her that she was reaching the end of her ability to support them as a single mother. Instead of prescribing birth control pills, he instead passed her off to a Protestant doctor who had no problem with such a course of action.

 

rewriting history

Harmoniad

 

TSL AU: What if Atton had been in Sion's place?

 

I have to agree with Plutospawn that it reeks of being chapter one. I did enjoy that unlike Sion Atton takes Kreia completely out, but it begs the question of why the Exile is still alive.

 

Jaq Rand

Jaina Solo

 

Pre KOTOR: AU, what if Atton had sought out the Sith rather than fleeing?

 

The piece is nice and dark. Atton is still the same Atton we know, but the darkness consumes him easily, and it is not surprising that it does.

 

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Neverwinter Nights: Show me your face!

Revan-sama

 

Non-SW: a Revelation and a plot

 

R-S, you need to remember to sight edit, you jumped tenses, forgot to finish words, and used the wrong word enough that it was extremely noticeable.

 

The premise is not new; in the Japanese Anime Vandread the Doctor Duella McFile constantly wears his long hair down over half of his face, and in the very last episode Pyway, a young teenage girl of the crew finally does what all of the female crew has wanted to do from not day one but maybe after the first few months, she slaps the hair out of the way to see what he really looks like.

 

There is also the Taxation minister in the series Story of Saiunkoku who constantly wears a mask, and actually changed his name Kijin, Japanese for Eccentric, though in the English voice version they use 'weirdo' because of that affectation. When someone claims he might not even be the real man, it is revealed that he is so attractive even men fall in love with him when they see his face.

 

But trying to make money from his looks... That was new.

 

kotorfanmedia

 

One Big Happy Family

Crystal001

 

Pre Mandalorian Wars AU: What a perfectly dysfunctional family...

 

Co-authored by Walruseater and HK47FAN

 

Minor editing problems, read instead of red for the Droid's eye, and good instead of food

 

The piece was funny in a Married With Children kind of way. Nihilus eating a lekku, Sion getting beaten up because he hangs around with the Sith kids, just a typical family... Not. I wanted to sick my finger down my throat when the adults were lovey-dovey just like Sion mimed. The sadistic droid was a fun touch.

 

Nihilus

Jaina Solo

 

TSL, no specific date given: A look into the mind of Nihilus...

 

Like a lot of JS's work this is thought provoking. It is not surprising that he would start small, or that his hunger was addictive. But it was interesting in that he does not consider himself a Sith, only a hunger. I believe that this is what the Masters think will happen to the Exile; but maybe they are sensing him rather than her (My Exile was female).

 

Pick of the Week

 

Relationship Issues

Darth Kronos

 

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk on Dantooine: Covering his butt in more ways than one...

 

I ran into this story, then had to laugh all the way through it. The internal monologue about women at the first started me off, and his having to use Mira's shirt to cover his groin was fun. The story reminded me of a scene from Terry Pratchett's A Hat Full of sky when a character named Rob Anybody asks in Tiffany Aching wants the truth or a great lie, since the lie had dragons in it.

 

But that last line, as a guy, was not only enjoyable, even if it was a low blow.

 

Pick of the Week

 

No Longer a Jedi

SvartKnytt

 

five years pre TSL: The General now Exile seen through Kavar's eyes

 

The piece is sad, and the saddest part is why they are calling it a trial, it is more a sentencing. The scenes in the Council chamber from the game come across as more forceful in that she didn't really anticipate her Exile, or the fact that her emotions about Kavar could only be expressed this one time.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Ice Roses: Found

SkyePrism

 

PostTSL: The Jedi draw unwanted attention, to the detriment of those who aided them.

 

The piece is flowing well, the interplay with HK what you would expect. HK I think would goad someone into a fight mainly because he's being restrained by his owners, and like a bully, wants to be able to say the other person started it. The attack is short and to the point, as is the bombing of the farm house.

 

Departure

Rotgutt

 

Post TSL: He won't let go, and it's the only way he can make sure

 

I think you meant cockpit canopy, not hanger doors.

 

The piece was sad, and you can feel the emotions on both sides as she tries to bid him goodbye. As does happen occasionally, the author surprised me with the ending.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Fanfiction.net

 

Satisfied

Facing My Failure

 

Tsl aboard Ebon Hawk: Will he be satisfied with just that?

 

The piece is disjointed, but even there it flows. The Exile is nerve wracking in her decision to keep to her own warped course, and subrors Atton readily.

 

The Mandalorian Wars

Deralian Shadow

 

Early Mandalorian Wars: Canderous has to deal with a problem child

 

You need to remember to sight edit, you used the wrong word several times but it looks more like you were just in a writing fugue and didn't bother to look to see what you had written. Not a big problem; I do the same thing when the scene is flying in my head.

 

Your treatment of the Mandalorians as a people is uneven. I liked that you had them eager to take the women and children not as slaves, but as wives and recruits; but from then on it sort of fell apart. Constantly cuffing or tranquilizing a child is not going to make the kid obedient and attentive, that is done with discipline a little less severe. And the idea that you just shoot the kid because she is crying or giving up after only a few days doesn't fit either. Also the idea that they would ignore their own injured personnel or merely shoot the sick out of hand makes them a little too casually brutal.

 

If you look at historical warrior societies, you will see that they were as human as any other with some changes in how they raised their kids, but nothing as major as what you portray. I even wrote an article comparing my view of them on Lucasforums, LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre > How to understand the Mandalorians.

 

The custom of the Deralians wearing some kind of covering their faces makes me think this is Revan, and it would explain the mask of later years. But such a custom would come from somewhere, so why?

 

An interesting beginning to a nine chapter work.

 

Misfit Christmas

Handmethatcookie

 

Post KOTOR: Christmas For Dummies is right

 

Remember that Star Wars always starts with 'Long ago, in a Galaxy Far, far away'. This means the holiday you're portraying is in the future, not the past.

 

Read my article on holidays; Lucasforums > Coruscant Entertainment Center > Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118 to see what I mean.

 

Other than that, I thought it was funny, knowing you are supposed to have decorations and a tree without the faintest clue as to what they are supposed to consist of. It is sort of reminiscent of the Futurama Christmas episode where they use a palm tree because pines are extinct.

 

Lunar Lando IV Rogue Commies Rising

Supreme Dakari Lord Cerventes

 

AU: The Commies return, this time to the moon

 

The piece has serious writing flaws, misspellings, improper terms, even temporal disruptions etc.

 

First, while Reagan was President was elected in, he didn't take office until 1985. The Berlin Wall did not come down until 1989 and Communism is still alive and well outside the old Soviet Union. Holographic technology was in it's infancy at that time, so no holographic phone.

 

As for the Iraq war, the first figure you gave, 450 million would be (If I just counted Arabs) everyone living from Pakistan West to the Pillars of Hercules, and the smaller number given (456,000) is four times what Iraqbodycount.org lists. I myself refuse the premise of that site that everyone killed in that conflict is automatically the fault of one side, as claiming a car bomb planted by a terrorist that killed is our fault for being there is a specious argument. By that definition all 70 million odd deaths in WWII are automatically our fault, including everyone killed by the Germans.

 

Time in the Suds

Fall Out Guirl

 

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Even the dour Carth is still a child at heart...

 

The only problem I had with it was the idea that there was a tub bath on the ship, especially since the author said it was a shower at first. But just picturing that humorless man sitting in a bubble bath, playing with toys like any kid made me laugh. It reminded me of the movie Spaceballs where Dark Helmet is playing with the Spaceballs action figures.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Swimming With Gizka

Blackblackheaven

 

KOTOR on Tatooine: Why does Revan have to deal with the infestation?

 

Some grammar problems, wined instead of whined for instance, or improper words, costal when I think you meant postal.

 

The piece is funny because everyone expects Revan to fix the problem. Of course in the game everything where you need a decision is left up to the main character so that is understandable. How he fixes it is a riot.

 

Pick Of the Week.

[machievelli]

Due to a reogranization of fancition.net I loaded my normal page and discovered that nothing matches where I was just last saturday. So I am taking a week to try to catch up on that reorganization. Sorry about that, people.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Oculus

Yukub

 

the phrase 'came to return' was confusing I would suggest 'came back' or 'returned', but not both. If they panic under fire troops usually need time to get themselves organized again so using it to point out how an advance can be slowed made sense.

 

Technical: With the birth of special ops units, the FAO (Forward Air Observer) has pretty much been retired below Brigade level. These days, every team has more than one person qualified to direct air support. The problem here was you had no such strike missions; helicopter gunships or their equivalent do not need an FAO, because they are observing the fight in real time. Second, your air support doesn't have any high performance aircraft like the enemy deploys.

 

This is not a major problem; American attack helicopters routinely carry anti-aircraft missiles of the Stinger type, and it has been proven in combat that when air to air combat devolves to helicopter vs jet, it is whoever gets a missile off first who wins. However few aircraft fly low enough to get hit with a grenade, so having one shot down by the infantry doesn't make a lot of sense.

 

Gjalt Hegemony - Religion and Mythology

Yukub

 

NSW: Treatise on gods of a created race

 

All right, I understand you are working on this, but to have a vote on which three gods are preeminent every decade is confusing. First, which priest is going to vote for someone else's god? If you are just having them vote by numbers look at what would happen world wide here. Between them, the Catholics and Islam would win all of the slots because you have to figure in the Eastern Orthodox in the voting. The protestants would be hard pressed to get that last slot, since the demographics world wide are about 40% either Catholic or Eastern Orthodox, 30% Islamic, and less than fifteen percent Protestant with about the same Hindu or Buddhist.

 

Fanfiction.net

 

KotOR Luvers Community!

 

Set Course to Random

Rockthecross74

 

Post TSL: Read the warning label...

 

The piece started out just funny, and went from there to Bizarre. Having someone just punch 'random' into the navcomputer reminds me of a scene in 'Venus on a Half-Shell' where the main character tells his computer he wants to go to Heaven, only to discover that there was a planet settled by the Chinese that had named it Heaven in Chinese.

 

From there as I said, it went bizarre with T3 wearing a toupe, the crew dancing with Darth Vader, G0T0 TPing the ship, then ends with a very funny punchline.

 

Into the Darkness

Bloody White Rabbit

 

Post TSL: The Jedi Council gets a frantic message from the Unknown Regions.

 

The piece needs polishing more than anything else. Some of the wording feels wrong and the action in the second section is being pushed too hard. Jolee's character was OOC to me because while he does ramble into stories, he does focus when something has to be done.

 

A Jedi's life is Sacrifice after all

Bloody White Rabbit

 

Time indeterminate, but during KOTOR series: A Jedi give up her home life for what she must do

 

It is undetermined which game it is in because as the Author (And I) feel, Revan would have been as good if not better as a woman. The angst of having to leave finally for the Unknown Regions is well portrayed.

 

Atton the Monster

Bloody White Rabbit

 

TSL through the game: Atton sees the Exile as his anchor

 

The piece spans from Peragus to the end of the game and beyond. The author's view, that the Exile would bear his child is well done. You get the view that even if the child's mother dies, the legacy will live on.

 

Guilty Bonds

Herana

 

During the Mandalorian Wars: The concept of the shadow mass generator is created

 

The interesting point is that the author places the original onus for the concept not on Bao-Dur, but the Exile. While the Exile can be played as a tech, I can't see her becoming a front line General because of it. In real life such a General ends up attached to a secret research facility as far from combat as possible, because they are more important in a lab than in the front lines. Just one of the niggling things that bothered me about the basic story of TSL.

 

For example until the close approach of the Russians the scientists developing the V2 were in Peenemunde until the Allies found out where they were, and was relocated to Nordhausen when the Russians approached it.

 

However the idea that she would have been there when it was deployed was logical.

 

Fire And Darkness

Shadow Of The Storm

 

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Why does she choose such losers?

 

The piece focuses of the Exile, but primarily on the relationships she gets into, and not in a good light. Chapter one, which I have read, covers Atton's admission, and her reaction. Her original reaction is a very human one, her later one more a woman unsure of her emotions. This is one I wished I could read through.

 

kotorfanmedia

 

The Emerald Gate- Chapter One: An Unknown Land

Kaikuro

 

Post TSL: Bao Dur crashes on an odd planet

 

The piece flows well, but we know little as yet of what is happening. Using Bao Dur makes it like the start of the Wizard of Oz.

 

Nights of the New Republic

Verna Jast

 

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: So Mical does that?

 

The piece was fun in an odd way. Having Mical be a secret writer was cute enough, and having Atton start the conversation pretty much accusing him of viewing internet porn perfectly in character. As for 'spacing the scoundrel, there are times I agree with Mical about that...

 

Ice Roses: Destination

Skyeprism

 

Post TSL: Now they have a destination

 

The primary problem with this piece was that the fight scene felt contrived. The build up to the actual fight made little sense as the thieves spent too much time talking. The teenager's reaction was well done when you find he is Mando'a; 'oh dear, idiots trying to rob me'.

 

However when the fight does begin, it becomes less real. First, a rifle is slung, not attached to a belt. You have three men facing him, and they are close enough that one has to take a few steps to hit him with a blade, yet you have two others shooting and missing at the same distance. Remember you are staging this in an alley, and most alleys are not that large.

 

Ice Roses: Pilot

Skyeprism

 

Post TSL: Looking for a pilot, Winter finds an unanticipated one.

 

The piece flowed well, and the characters are fleshing out well. Corran's knee-jerk reaction to the idea of hiring Kreios who we met in the last chapter is a bit stereotypical of some hick fresh off the farm, but as a writer once said, they have stereotypes for a reason.

 

The bar scene was a bit rushed, but having it be Dustil helps move the story along. The internal dialogue of Winter remembering her master's comments as she approaches Dustil was well done. It seems the force is working to help her mission.

 

Life and Times of AR

Danni Mison

 

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Atton Rand as a young man

 

The piece has a nice feel to it, though there was some grammar problems, savor instead of savior for example. The escape was good, and Rayce commenting several times that he didn't want Niben to kill Atton, at least not in his apartment balanced perfectly with his shock at not only spraying Juma all over the place, but killing a 16 year old bottle at that makes him almost like Felix Unger from the Odd Couple.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Sharing Blame

DLRevan

 

Post TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: She's what?

 

Stint is a time of service, and prefect a rank.

 

One thing, remember not only conversation breaks but paragraph breaks as well. Think of a story like a road going from one place to another. The paragraph breaks are like the intersections, and the conversation breaks are the road signs. What you did here was create your road, but you have a lot of construction slowing down traffic.

 

The concept was fun, a practical joke within another joke.

[machievelli]

kotorfanmedia

 

Peach-Flavored: The Extended, Revised, Attonized Edition of "I've Gotcha"

Tatooine92

 

TSL on Telos: After an eventful adventure, Atton is rewarded

 

The piece is a bit of fun with Atton's constant sarcastic inner monologue, harping on everything you would expect him to grumble about.

 

It reminded me of a T shirt I saw the other day that you can pick up at Roadkill dot Com:

 

Support The National Sarcasm Association, Like we really need your Help

 

Pick of the Week

 

Running

Tatooine92

 

TSL, no specific era given: A dark side Atton terrorizes the Exile

 

The piece is so dark that you might feel nothing can go right in their lives again. I tended to agree with all of the negatives that BAM made, but know from research that some women who have been raped, and especially 'date rapes' where a light dose of rohypnol is used, that the women afterward wonder why the body's natural reaction to pleasurable stimuli wasn't easier to stop.

 

I think Elizabeth Moon in Once a Hero said it best. When a rescued prisoner is despondent about vomiting, his friend points out two things; One that he was concussed, and concussions sometime cause vertigo and vomiting. The other, that vomiting is a natural physical reaction that can be caused; add the right chemicals, and the person will vomit regardless of any control.

 

Bao-Dur: Echoes

TangentialJedi

 

TSL, no specific place or time given: Bao-Dur relives Malachor V again

 

The piece is better done than the usual run of stories covering the event. Revan is not the dark monster intending to murder off her less trustworthy followers, though that is still an option considering the aftermath.

 

One of the other reviewers wondered why he was rehashing this, and my reply is this; one of the primary portions of what is now called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder is being forced emotionally and mentally to relive the horror that caused the disorder. In Bao-Dur's mind, he always considered himself the author of the disaster, as shown when he reminisces with the Exile.

 

Nihilus 3

Jaina Solo

 

Pre TSL: How Nihilus came to be

 

The piece was excellent! The idea that Nihilus had been created by his own people was breathtaking!

 

In Human society you have the 'perfect' sacrifice; be he the great warrior captured, or the 'king' of the bean in European views. The one perfect sacrifice to the gods. Here you have a child burdened with every sin striking back at those who have burdened him with their sins in negation.

 

Choice.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Tales of a Selkath, Chapter 1: Homecoming

Praetyre

 

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A Selkath Jedi moves to join the war

 

The primary thing the work needed was editing and polishing. The tended to slow down and ramble a bit much, and some of the sentences were cumbersome. Basic grammar and language was good, so I think you might be ESL, English being a second language. You did get the frustration at failure well.

 

Ice Roses: Detour

Skyeprism

 

Post TSL: The team makes a detour...

 

The piece fits in well with what went previously, and the fact that it was basically a wasted trip was just icing on the cake.

 

 

 

Fanfiction.net

 

KotOR Luvers Community!

 

Once Upon A Dream

Depositink

 

Wrong words used some time scatter instead of scattered.

 

Some cumbersome sentence structure; 'It sound of an old woman, but not it sounds cryptic' made no sense. I think you meant It sound(s like)an old woman', but can't figure out what you meant by the second part. 'She could hear the old lady have a smile when she asks' was probably meant to be 'She could hear the old lady (had) a smile (Or was smiling) when she asks'. 'She calms her money' should be claims. I think the problems I mentioned above are because first you write like I do; using a stream of consciousness; visualizing the scene and just recording it, but you also do what I do sometimes, which is forget to sight edit because when you use the wrong word, it would pass a spellchecker.

 

Only read two chapters into it, but it was good to that point. I'm still wondering how she was transported and why; I hope you explain it later.

 

Emotions

MLynn1990

 

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: There are times when reciting the code just doesn't help...

 

Some improper word usage, follow instead of followed, that kind of thing. Nothing sight editing won't cure.

 

This is one of those works I wish I could read all the way through. Calling Atton a Pazaak whore was choice, especially considering who is doing it.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Princess

LadyArin

 

Some period of time post TSL: It's all how you say it.

 

The piece is as the author stated, fluff. And I agree about the sugar content; I'm having my next cup of coffee without just to make up for it.

 

But it gets across very well, and I enjoyed it immensely.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Last Night I had a Dream

EvenHere

 

TSL, no specific period given: The Exile has dreams of Atton

 

The piece was an excellent little work. Each dream is a possible future she sees, even one where she had gotten out of the Med bay to find the energy cages empty.

 

Pick of the Week

 

The Exploits of Darth Revan

 

KOTOR: Destiny's New Path

Robby The Phoenix

 

KOTOR Alternate Universe: What if Revan had escaped, but Malak had been captured?

 

The piece is 25 chapters long, and unfortunately. I was only able to read the first one. The basic premise is good, and the scenes well written.

 

The Power of Choices Part 1: Rise and Fall

Brazilian Sith Lord

 

Mandalorian Wars, Alternate Universe: What if Bastila had gone to war with Revan?

 

Some improper word usage; raised (Lifted) instead of razed (destroyed) and saying where her duty lied instead of lie. This is more of an editing problem than anything else; though the fact that you're Brazilian means you might not know English Grammar that well.

 

The idea that the Jedi would get low ranks thanks to Council interference makes some sense, but assigning an army rank (Lt General) to Karath does not. I loved the comment that most of the Admirals are related to Senators; it brings to my mind my own KOTOR where after the war, they were going to assign Karath to the Academy as commandant when he was one of the best fleet commanders they had; all because he wasn't of the right social class to keep.

 

The one battle scene I read was too contrived. Having Malak's ship close enough to brush the enemy fits in with the way the movies do it, but in real life you would have hundreds if not thousands of kilometers between them. The primary reason they do the battles so close in the movies is that most of the audience members don't realize this.

 

However as a ground force commander, Revan would have little or no authority to operate the local ships; most navies don't let ground force officers command even a single ship.

 

Also, I cannot agree with your characterization of the Mandalorians; the idea that they are, as they said in the Making of Star Trek, the 'Mongol Horde in space ships'. As much as the enemy might see them as horrible monsters killing for no reason, a warrior society has a rationale to it. The Mongols for example didn't lay waste to every city, only those that resisted; Though they did literally depopulate Poland, and later Persia, the first time was to draw the Germans and Austrians into trying to catch them. The second time they were terrorizing the peoples to the south of Persia into obedience. Yet you have the Mandalorians devastating planets as they pass just because they can.

[machievelli]

Fanfiction.net

 

The Exploits of Darth Revan

 

Star-Wars Kotor III: The Exile's Redemption

Dream-forger

 

Start of a New KOTOR: Having fallen to the Dark side, the Exile gets another chance at redemption

 

You have problems with grammar, the wrong words being used; smirked instead of smirk, wander instead of wonder, that kind of thing. This is easily fixed by sight editing as every one I noticed was usually something that would pass a spell check. Since I did not have time to read it all, I read the first and last chapters, but you had that same problem in both.

 

The story is good, and I especially liked the scene in the first chapter where good people are being dragged to the dark side just because of their force bonds. And the idea that Love will redeem you.

 

Pick of the Week

 

KOTOR: The Power of Choice

Sith Lord Darth Revan

 

Pre KOTOR: Revan is defeated, but was he?

 

The piece is very well done, and the battle scenes superb. There was one issue that I will address below in the technical comments. The efforts to save the man's life is perfectly counterpointed by her considering that she could have merely put him out of his misery only after the efforts brings him back from the brink.

 

Technical note, Rules of Land Warfare: While shooting wounded men as you advance is, by definition, a crime under the rules, it is one usually punished by reprimand during an attack. As you are charging forward, and trying to complete your mission, you are considering that wounded man as a threat able to shoot you in the back. It is only afterward, when the enemy ship is secured, or the advance has halted, only then do you get rid of the adrenaline, and now consider that wounded enemy trooper as someone who like you, was fighting for a cause.

 

That is why if you're not charging forward on the offensive, shooting the wounded is punished severely. It's the difference between shooting someone who can shoot you in the back, and walking into a field hospital and walking down the row shooting all of the enemy troops, the difference between being full of adrenaline, and killing someone in cold blood.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Oh, How Ever Did You Survive Without Me?

 

Attack of the Clones

Amme Moto

 

KOTOR on Korriban: Sometimes the only way to convince others is to make them come along.

 

The piece is interesting because it's linked to a story I have not yet read that precedes it, and the premise, that something can link two times together was fun. The idea of our friend Revan dealing with Obi Wan Kenobi as a child, and now as a young Padawan makes me wish I could read it all.

 

Pick of the Week

 

STARWARS: KNIGHTS OF THE OLD REPUBLIC

Prfan

 

20 years Post KOTOR: The daughter of Revan faces the Son of Malak

 

Remember conversation breaks; it is hard for a reader to keep track if he isn't sure who is talking.

 

I had problems with the way it was written because you pretty much had the masters say; 'we knew of the problem, but you have to deal with it, oh, yeah, here's your team'.

 

Star Wars: The True Sith

Charles Lamont

 

The style is confusing, and there is a flow, but it's like being caught in the water after a whirlpool ends, being thrown one way or the other with no rhyme nor reason to it. The fight scenes have no coherence and tend to be confusing. As an example of things that don't make sense, you have a disabled ship in orbit, and it is attacked by a fleet. In a case like that you do not blithely go about repairing it until assassins board; you scuttle and abandon ship.

 

Also, if you had disabled their shielding and they know you're close enough to board, they will have people at the docking bays and hanger deck. Landing 30 craft completely unnoticed is as believable as the old Douglas Adams radio show where a Kamikaze dives on a carrier, lands, gets out, goes to the bathroom, then takes off again.

 

Technical notes: You didn't need the term ninja in the description of the weapon. Merely calling it a throwing star would get the idea across. Also, you had one character using a Klingon sword without saying you were doing a crossover.

 

One person flamed you and I understand why. You characters are cardboard cutouts that have no dimension to them. Your pilot to Korriban is sort of reminiscent of Han Solo, but Han accepted the commission to fly Luke and Ben to Alderaan with no questions asked. But he was actually the one character with some depth, but even that was almost nonexistent.

 

My advice is to work on description, characterization, and flow. Read some actual books by published authors where you have fight scenes, either infantry or naval.

 

You need work kid, a lot more work.

 

Femslash KOTOR

 

Later

Yggi

 

KOTOR Enroute from Lehon to the Star Forge: Juhani focuses on one brief moment of happiness, and what is to come if they survive the battle

 

Except for one kiss, I don't even know why it's labeled fem-slash. Both my KOTOR work and TSL work had elements that could more realistically be called that; In both I created an Echani bond where you can become sisters (My Female Exile and Brianna, since I really loath the Disciple) or a married same sex couple (Where My female Revan asks Bastila to join with her).

 

The piece is tightly written, and flows well.

 

Pick of the Week

 

kotorfanmedia

 

Pieces of a Whole

Tatooine92

 

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: After his past with her, can the Exile forgive and forget?

 

The piece pans through three meetings of the Exile and Atton, when they are both children, when he shoots but doesn't kill her after the Mandalorian Wars, and then when she accepts him as her apprentice. I thoroughly enjoyed him as a kid, wanting to look tough, a kid of nine thinking he looks twelve!

 

I had a problem with forgiving and forgetting, but that's just me.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Ice Roses: Libitina

Skyeprism

 

PostTSL: The team picks up another member after a bar fight

 

Remember, you blockade a planet. You would barricade a neighborhood. The sentence 'and therefore not necessary to step in' is incomplete. You have the same problem I sometimes do of forgetting to finish them.

 

Ice Roses: Base

Skyeprism

 

PostTSL: The team needs to get some codes, but to do that...

 

A consul is an adviser, you meant console, as in an operating system access.

 

The story is flowing well, and the byplay, such as Corran being shocked when she killed the Sith, but unwilling to admit it was fun. The scene Kiraboros described was also choice, like the acrimony between the Disciple and Atton regarding a female Exile.

 

Agony

Chemist

 

TSL, No specific period given: As he watches Atton and the Exile, Mical remembers another woman he loved and lost.

 

The piece is an unrelieved darkness. Inside Mical is something as dark and dangerous as anything Atton might have done, and the Exile could be the catalyst for it's birth.

 

Losing Battles

Chemist

 

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk No Specific period given: When it comes to a battle of wits, he might as well be unarmed

 

I liked the piece because Mical actually comes across as someone I might have known and liked. It's good that someone out there actually likes the guy and is willing to use his created personality to convince us to try to like him.

 

Pick of the Week

 

An Easy Contract

Jaina Solo

 

Pre TSL on Nar Shaddaa: There's a reason Mira brings them in alive...

 

The piece was shocking in it's own way and very well written. The scene reminded me of Morell's 'Fraternity of the Stone'. The main character in that work loses his family to terrorist violence, is taken in by a friend of his father, and trained as an assassin. On his last assignment, he has two kills less than a day apart that must be recorded on the same roll of film; an oil company rep, and one we later find is the Ayatollah Koumeni. It's an attempt to destroy opposition to the Shah.

 

He makes his first kill, shooting the man as he is driving through the mountains in Europe, and as the car goes off the embankment, a child is thrown from the car and survives. He is so shocked that he doesn't go on to the other kill, instead he joins a charter house of the Carthusian order which practices cenobitic monasticism. This is where he begins the novel when the Agency that employed him discovers he is still alive, and sends men to kill him.

 

The only thing I didn't like, was that Mira didn't turn around and blow her client away at the end.

 

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Medieval Conquest CHAPTER 1

Scorge

 

NSW set in the mid 16th century: After his mother is taken by bandits, a young man goes to rescue her.

 

Most of the problems are technical, except for these:

 

Remember that a paragraph is defined as one completed idea. Your first paragraph is actually three different thoughts; the attack, the treatment, and his intent to go after them.

 

Remember conversation breaks as well. It is hard for the reader to follow when you have everything compressed as you do.

 

Technical: The Medieval period actually ended in 1492, at the start of the renaissance.

 

The term medic is modern, it was coined in the First World War when partially trained soldiers were assigned to treat and transport the wounded from the battle field. As for seeing a doctor, you have to remember that every family member old enough to understand knew what we would now call basic first aid, so he would not have had to go to a doctor. He would more likely have slathered the burn with grease (The method used at the time).

 

While having the king send some of his soldiers along, that didn't make real sense. At that time, a peasant or tradesman was expected to stay at home and do his duty, the soldiers would have been sent without him. He is more important economically at his trade rather than running around the forest. And while he might be allowed to accompany them, that would make him the underling rather than commander as you might imply.

 

Long time no see.

 

Star wars knights of the old republic Return of the jedi

battle111

 

Post TSL: A new danger arises on the horizon for the weary Republic.

 

Since the author is Lett, I posted it in that language so he would understand it more readily. In case you're wondering, there is a site that pays you to browse websites named ALot which has a translator attached to it with about forty different languages and alphabets to match. Check it out. If you really want to know what I said, use a translator and check it out. The language is Lithuanian.

 

However if you have spent more than a month reading my reviews, and can speak English, you can probably tell what I said without all of that...

 

Battle111,

 

Aš nežinau, kaip gerai, ar vertimas yra čia, aš naudoju vertėjas, pridedamas prie tinklalapį, pavadintą partija, kuri turi funkciją kaip jo dalis siūlomų įrankių juostoje.

 

Aš einu, kad galėtumėte tai tiesiogiai į mano kitą peržiūrą vietoje, todėl jūs bent jau galimybę suprasti savo kritiką, aš nematau reali problema su savo darbo už tai, kad jūs, atrodo, kad kai kurie, bet ne suvokti daug anglų kalba. Aš siūlyčiau, kad jūs paprašykite kitų rašytojų beta skaitytojas siūlų, sklandžiai. Tai nėra kritika savo kalbos įgūdžius, be šios programos aš net ne bandyti rašyti sakinį Lett.

 

Aš norėčiau pasiūlyti padaryti tai už jus, tačiau jei aš beta skaityti ir ją ištaisyti, aš nesu pasiruošęs jį peržiūrėti vėliau

 

 

kotorfanmedia

 

Good Guy

Plutospawn

 

Pre- Mandalorian Wars: And this guy becomes a hero in the game, right?

 

Like any man who had a rough life growing up, he made some choices that make him less than stellar in his relationships. The part about joining the Army just so he can destroy things was choice. He's such a bad person it's good.

 

Just A Kid

Tatooine92

 

Mandalorian Wars Era: Scenes from Hell in a child's mind

 

The piece has a gritty feel of reality. You could change the name of the enemy to any from our own rather bloody past, during any sack of a city, and it would feel just as real. The brother being killed casually while rare in real life, does happen. It is no wonder that Atton considers the Jedi as much an enemy as the ones who carried it out.

 

Pick of the Week

 

The Deal

Schmoopy

 

Pre TSL: When he's caught, Atton didn't expect a deal

 

As Plutospawn said, I tend to not like present tense. However the in depth in your face feel of this work makes is something I can accept, and enjoy. The idea of stealing something that seems so minor and finding out it is really important to the one you stole it from reminds me of the Movie Adventures in Babysitting, where a kid steals a playboy magazine, not realizing that a very important document is inside it...

 

Pick of the Week

 

Atton and the Author in His head

Tatooine92

 

TSL No specific period given: Don't mess with the author...

 

The piece blind-sided me. I expected some looking into the mind of the character followed by some angst work. Instead I had a pushy author looking into a character's mind and pretty much expecting him to jump through hoops. If you have ever seen the episode of the original Twilight Zone, it seemed like a light hearted version of the Episode 'Shadow Play' where a man sentenced to die is really reliving over and over the same nightmare.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Kotorfanmedia as been up and down this last week, It was up obviously long enough for me to review four there, but is down again, so I will review two extra from Fanfiction.

 

Fanfiction.net

 

Was finally able to reconnect to the main thread of Fanfiction again. It was due, I discovered, to the fact that the site navigation has several different ways to connect to different portions of the same thing with stories in each section that are not accessible directly. I finally figured it out after I posted my latest piece; a Bloodrayne story and took two days to find it.

 

His Bitter Sweet End

BlackBlackHeaven

 

KOTOR on Star Forge: Carth has to make one more try to save her

 

Remember conversation breaks. The only reason I was able to follow the thread of the conversation was because you broke it after each paired comment.

 

The story is a pretty but sad way for the saga to end. As the dark lord she cannot be bothered by love ever again.

 

Her Darkest Days

BlackBlackHeaven

 

Post KOTOR on Star Forge: Follow on to His Bitter Sweet End. Haunted by killing him, she now seeks redemption by confronting the ultimate evil

 

Except for the idea that the Sith merely sit around and do nothing without their Dark Lord commanding them, it was an excellent piece. The mourning and brooding took long enough that you can see that except for that last quest that may redeem her in death, she has nothing remaining to live for.

 

Pick of the Week

 

The Unknown World How It Should Have Happened

HandMeThatCookie

 

KOTOR on Lehon: What if it were a snowy planet, and one of your own might be a traitor?

 

Some odd sentence structure; 'She didn't alert much of her attention towards me' should be divert, since alert would imply her full attention. 'He turned the rifle on the rarely used safety feature.' Should be to keep the attitude, He set the rarely used safety.

 

The by play between the characters was what made this a fun read. The other Jeid and HK berating Carth, Mission wondering who insulted Zaalbar's cooking (The only reason she could see for the sudden silence) and everyone ignoring any attempt by Oak(Revan) to reconcile. It reminded me of a scene from an old Movie of the Week named 'Sole Survivor' when an investigator sent to examine a wreck from WWII takes off. The guide asks the senior officer if there is anything else to do, and William Shatner, that man turns, and snarls, 'Why ask me? I'm only the man in charge!'.

 

It's 17 chapters long, and I wish I could have read it all.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Echos

BlackBlackHeaven

 

You forgot conversation breaks again. I think from seeing it not happen in the last work I reviewed, but did in the first and this one, that it is more likely that you are writing faster than you can keep up with, and you missed them because of that. Don't take that negatively, I do the same thing. It's an editing problem more than anything else.

 

It's encountered, not in countered. You use the word nearly several times as in nearly hitting, but suggesting by context that both Sion and the Exile had been hit, rather than strikes being blocked.

 

Having Atton arrive as the Exile seems doomed is a nice plot twist, as is having him throw his lightsaber to her rather than use it to defend himself.

 

Snakes And Gizka

Kallamae

 

KOTOR on Tatooine: Another of Jolee's stories has Revan even more confused than normal.

 

Some improper word usage, rescues instead of rescued, thought instead of though, bedside manor instead of bedside manner. And as much as I loved the idea of the Tach throwing it, the Wookiepedia defines poodoo as bantha fodder, not feces.

 

So He Was Right

HandMeThatCookie

 

Post TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Atton is nothing if not persistant

 

It was a cute little piece, the Exile spending weeks depressed about having killed Kreia, and Atton as he always is being pushy about getting her over it. The last line was just icing on the cake. Short, but fun.

 

Pick of the Week

 

What it Means to You

Amme Moto

 

KOTOR on Lehon: Carth has to make a decision

 

This was a rather unique way to look at the situation, that when Revan fell to the Dark side part of her broke away, and is now living in her head. The confusion about what name should be given to the woman also made sense, since the confusion was caused by Carth's being of two minds about it.

 

Rori Homecoming

Mike Taurguss

 

Post Revenge of the Sith: A failed Jedi visits home, and begins to create a new identity.

 

The piece is long, the trail from visiting his now destroyed home to his new identity long and convoluted. The author has a good grasp of what it would be like trying to pass through what is pretty much a no man's land, reliving how it had been was heart rending.

 

Very good read. A pity the author only did the one Star Wars story.

 

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Star wars knights of the old republic: chapter 2 rescue over naboo

Battle111

 

Post TSL: Naboo is next to be attacked

 

I originall posted the reply in Lett, which reads as follows:

Aš nežinau, kaip gerai, ar vertimas yra čia, aš naudoju vertėjas, pridedamas prie tinklalapį, pavadintą partija, kuri turi funkciją kaip jo dalis siūlomų įrankių juostoje.

 

Aš einu, kad galėtumėte tai tiesiogiai į mano kitą peržiūrą vietoje, todėl jūs bent jau galimybę suprasti savo kritiką, aš nematau reali problema su savo darbo už tai, kad jūs, atrodo, kad kai kurie, bet ne suvokti daug anglų kalba. Aš siūlyčiau, kad jūs paprašykite kitų rašytojų beta skaitytojas siūlų, sklandžiai. Tai nėra kritika savo kalbos įgūdžius, be šios programos aš net ne bandyti rašyti sakinį Lett.

 

Aš norėčiau pasiūlyti padaryti tai už jus, tačiau jei aš beta skaityti ir ją ištaisyti, aš nesu pasiruošęs jį peržiūrėti vėliau

 

Unsure how it translated, I took that and fed it back into the matrix, and it read:

 

I do not know how good the translation is here, I use a translator attached to a website called Party, which has a feature offered as part of the toolbar.

 

I am going to post it directly to my next show on the spot, so you at least have the opportunity to understand your criticism, I do not see a real problem with your work for you, it seems that some, but not understand much English. I would suggest that you ask other writers beta reader thread smoothly. This is not a criticism of their language skills, in addition to this program, I would not even try to write a sentence Lett.

 

I would like to offer to do it for you, but if I'm beta reading and to correct it, I'm not ready to review it later.

 

On the whole, close, but no hand grenade. What I was trying to say, as you would all know; the author is doing a lot of spelling sounding out words, meaning little or no English skills, that there is a definite need for a beta reader, but not me.

 

kotorfanmedia

 

Kotorfanmedia is down for the second full week, so we're getting all fanfiction, all the time until further notice.

 

As an aside, I have things published at not only Lucasforums, but kotorfanmedia and at fanfiction as well. One of them is my own work Wrath of the Witch Maiden based in David Weber's 'Honor Harrington' series. Usually, I check the hits near the end of a month, but the numbers on that story at fanfiction made a sudden jump, and I checked it.

 

I have had half as many hits on the work in the first nine days of this month as I have in the ten full months before (try 1700). If this is any indication, this month will surpass the total number previous by the end of the month. As the author, I love it.

 

Fanfiction.net

 

Jealousy

Angsty Fudge

 

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: She can't explain what she feels, and it's really irritating

 

leacherously is spelled lecherously.

 

The piece is just a snippet of emotional turmoil. The Exile can;t deal with her jealous rage, and Atton is clueless as to why she's mad.

 

The Battle of Dxun

Guardian Mikey

 

Mandalorian wars above Dxun: A warrior faces his first battle

 

The primary negative I had with this is having both Atton and Carth not only in the same infantry unit, but at the same rank. Carth is always described as bing in his thirties, whereas Atton is only in his late twenties during TSL. Also, most militaries have a distinct split between ground pounders and fleet, so having Carth as an infantry private here, but be a respected pilot in KOTOR doesn't really gel.

 

Spring Cleaning

Handmethatcookie

 

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Someone has to deal with this mess...

 

Technical note, things like rooms and hallways are called compartments and passageways aboard a ship. As one writer said, the instant one group of men decided to become sailors, they immediately renamed everything to make those landlubbers worry. Check out; Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

 

The piece is short and kinda fun, though you don't see any real cleaning being done. The idea that Atton not only threatens to use a whip, but found a material that Mical was allergic to was a fun twist.

 

General

Aeryn Phoenix

 

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile talks with Bao Dur.

 

The piece is fun with a possible relationship growing between the pair. Her explanation about why the term reminds her of the past is offset when he uses it again anyway.

 

Listen to Teacher

Eaving1989

 

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: A flying lesson

 

The piece has the simple feel of a man using proximity to both teach and indulge himself without going the extra step to be overbearing.

 

Joke' s On Me

Faelyn Leaf

 

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton considers the confession he is about to make

 

The piece wanders back and forth between the thought that she would or would not forgive him. In his own mind, he is even considering using the way he used to be to convince her.

 

Shnickle Fritz

Handmethatcookie

 

TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: How do you deal with yourself changing?

 

The piece is short and cute. The idea that using nonsense words for curse words suggests that he is maturing is an old one. Atton play up to it when she accuses him of being Kreia in training.

 

Revan the Just, Revan the Damned

Faelyn Leaf

 

Pre-KOTOR: Malak watches as he loses his love to the dark side

 

The piece is poignant with loss and regret, wondering as happens in any failed relationship where it went wrong and how to perhaps fix it.

 

Conflicts

KeeLoth

 

KOTOR after Leviathan: Can Carth reach out to her again?

 

Technical note; things like rooms and doors are called compartments and hatches aboard a ship. As one writer said, the instant one group of men decided to become sailors, they immediately renamed everything to make those landlubbers worry. Check out; Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

 

The piece is deep and dark, but it begins to lighten as Jolee sticks his foot into the mix. Convincing Carth was bad enough, but his heavy handed cupid bit really makes it choice.

 

Pick of the Week

 

TK102

Swiftdarkeness

 

During ANH: A team of Stormtroopers wander Tatooine

 

The piece is pretty much a minor slice of life. Wander around aimlessly, kill a few locals, ho hum.

 

Echoes of Shadow

GlassMidnight

 

Post KOTOR: A ghost from her past forces Revan to leave

 

The piece is excellent in delivering a foreboding to the character. The idea that Kreia is still linked to her old student perfectly believable.

 

Knights of the Old Republic

Darth William

 

KOTOR intro: Basic intro to the game

 

Pretty much that says it all.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Star wars the gentle broken promise

Revan sama

 

Flashbacks to Pre-Mandalorian wars: It started so simply...

 

The piece has a nice feel to it, and Akyra made some good points; things I would have said, so I won't repeat them. You questioned if anyone can help you with wording grammar etc, and if you look in the Beta reader thread, you should be able to find someone.

 

Medieval Conquest CHAPTER 2

Scorge

 

Continuation of NSW set in the mid 16th century: The hunters camp overnight and have a mysterious visitor

 

The paragraph style is better, but remember, one idea at a time. So in the first you should have them setting up camp, Jordan remembering getting the slack cut for his years of work, and the frustration. But little else. The rest is technical,

 

Technical: Posse operations. What you have here is like an Old West Posse chasing the bandits. While you're calling them 'elites', they're on foot, which suggests that they are scouts and woods runners. An elite unit even if it is only the title would more likely have been mounted, because you have to travel faster than those you hunt to have a chance to catch them.

 

Such a group would carry as much food and water as possible, and not even think of hunting until that begins to run low. Also, even if your leader decided to hunt, he would have limited the size of what you were to catch. A wild boar averages between ten pounds for a piglet, up to a couple of hundred for a full grown male. Shooting a full grown boar would be wasteful, something the people of the time could ill afford even in the best of seasons; a squad (between six and eight) of men would eat only about fourteen or so pounds of meat, meaning the rest is going to be wasted; not a promotional bell ringer for whoever is in charge when they return.

 

Even more important, wild pigs travel in family groups, so hunting a piglet means you'll probably have to fight the mother or senior male. Boar hunting is a dangerous sport, and they even make specialized spears for it because a full grown boar will kill anything from the size of a horse down when attacked. The best way to hunt them is on foot with boar spears, which have a wide bar below the blade to keep him far enough away that he won't kill you even as he is dying.

 

Technical: Cooking. Cooking over an open fire is nothing like using a stove or oven. The meat would not be ready in the time frame you give unless the animal is a lot smaller, and pork is one meat even then they did not try to eat half-cooked. Pork was usually smoked or cured back then to avoid parasites and disease. Pigs are subject to too many diseases that men can catch, and a lot of people died from eating tainted meat back then if they forgot that.

 

Technical: Guard duty. As much as you want the main character to see the phantom woman first, no group of guards is going to automatically assume that a civilian is qualified. Bandits will assume that they might be pursued, so they are going to be watching their back trail carefully.

 

Putting someone who as we see does fall asleep on guard is a recipe for disaster. All the bandits would have to have done is place a couple of men watching for pursuit for this to have been a quick ambush. Think of a patrol of US grunts from the Vietnam era chasing some Viet Cong that hit a village; They know you will trail them if you can, and they are fully trained to bloody your nose if you try.

 

The phantom woman is the most intriguing aspect you have created.

 

Keep at it, kid.

 

KoTOR 3 : Schism

Akyra

 

Post TSL: What now?

 

The piece is well written, and the flaws you pointed out yourself are the major problem with the work. I hope you find a beta, as this looks interesting

 

In the KOTOR games, the Council seemed to me to be hung up on what is called a Rickover's Paradox. When she wrote Star Trek II; The Wrath of Khan, Vonda McIntyre came up with the classic one. You are a military officer, and are in a life raft with someone whom you judge to be worthless to society. There is enough food and water to keep one of you alive for a couple of weeks. How do you convince that worthless person to leave the raft to you?

 

The entire view of such a paradox is absurd on it's face; as I pointed out a couple of times in my own Wrath of the Witch Maiden, a professional military man's primary job description is to put himself between an enemy and the people he protects. No one ever said you had the right to pick and choose who deserved your protection; the instant you took the oath they became someone you would die for, regardless of how 'important' you happen to be in terms of time and money spent learning your trade.

 

Thorüsa: Prologue

MsFicwriter

 

Medieval fantasy tale: A young girl voluntarily enters Limbo. But at what price?

 

Well she's back, and just as good as ever. The basics, that her equivalent of Limbo is accessible from the mortal realm is an interesting thought. Unlike my own Devil work, her universe beyond life is pretty much clear cut; go to heaven, and you no longer worry about those you left behind, go to hell, and you have too many problems to worry about them. But if those in her version of limbo can still work to help those who remain in life, why not try it?

 

My biggest worry for the main character is my own studies of Religious history, specifically the Inquisitors from whatever time. Sure he can hide her sleeping body, but everyone who has ever faced the inquisition believed they were innocent until the priests changed the rules.

 

Pick of the Week

 

kotorfanmedia Is still down, so I have a dozen from Fanfiction again this week

 

Fanfiction.net

 

Reunion with a PigMan

The King's Lover

 

Post KOTOR: Revan has finally returned. But what kind of reunion awaits?

 

The piece is a fun bit of fluff; Revan literally sneaking up on Carth, having fun with his reactions at her voice, then the reunion. A basic Generic 'and they all lived happily ever after' ending. But still fun.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Star Wars KOTOR III: The Fall Of The Republic

It Was Written

 

5 years Post TSL: The Republic struggles toward healing as a young hopeful approaches Dantooine

 

I read past the prologue before checking if the author was ESL (English as a Second Language) because there were too many words that had been spelled as if the author was spelling what they heard without knowing how it as actually spelled. But there was no joy; the profile did not give me a nation of entry. Still I have to assume ESL, so here goes;

 

I will not correct spelling or grammar, because that assumes you know English. The basics are good, and I read into the second chapter intentionally to see if it was an ongoing problem, which it is, suggesting as I said above ESL. The scene is reminiscent of Jedi Academy II. The only parts missing would be dealing with the nosy neighbor (Your character) intrigued by the light saber and being shot down enroute.

 

Remember that a lot of scenes in any movie or story are taken from other older works, so this is not meant as insulting; if you look at Beverly Hills Cop, every scene is a generic take from earlier works filtered by the actors who played the characters. Keep up the good work.

 

My primary negative is with the title because as an example, the French, who have gone through a cycle of republic, empire, monarchy, republic, then again to Empire has shown, the people are willing to admit they have slipped, which Star Wars has not. France is now into the Fourth Republic for those of you paying attention, whereas according to Kenobi, there was never such a cycle before he met Luke.

 

True Love

Lossefalme

 

Post KOTOR: HK on a rampage

 

Technical: Programming. If you use the term 'terminator' instead of HK47, the basics fall apart. First, during the first movie, you only see the terminator diverging from 'kill Sarah Connor' only when it kills the girl's roommate, assuming she is Sarah. Only then does a subroutine, 'let's check who she knows' click in, meaning it searches for her ID picture and address book, which leads to the death of Sarah's mother.

 

A robot or droid is programmed for what it will do; be it 'kill everyone in the room' to 'kill this one person, and verify he is dead'. Unlike a biological entity, there is no 'should I do this' in the mix, but that mix can be preprogrammed to add it. You would have to have contemplated torture in your mix, and have set guidelines to allow it under specific conditions. This shows in your work, but a bit late by my definition.

 

Technical: range. Assume a bullet. This is necessary because a bolt of plasma as you have from a blaster is line of sight; I.E., standing on level ground on a flat plain. A plasma bolt will be able to hit something at only 35 kilometers (22 miles, the distance to the horizon). A projectile can hit over the horizon using a ballistic curve but it takes time for it to travel that distance. Sure a missile can hot something a couple of hundred kilometers away, but you don't use ballistic missiles or rockets against a moving target and assume pinpoint accuracy.

 

Like Father Like Son

Handmethatcookie

 

Post KOTOR: Revan deals with the last of the Onasi boys...

 

There were only three problems I had with this work; it's rigid instead of ridged. That Revan didn't recognize Dustil until he told her who his father was, and that Dustil was stupid enough that he actually believed Revan would fight him instead of just killing him. But it was fun to read.

 

Why Malak is an Idiot

Gravaja Umbros

 

Pre KOTOR: It could happen...

 

I had assumed what really happened before I read it, but it was still funny. But I can also picture a Jedi master instructing his students on light sabers saying, 'remember, this is a deadly weapon. I don't care if you're scruffy or not, so don't try to shave with it'.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Another for Old Times

Faelyn Leaf

 

KOTOR on Manaan: Advice to the lovelorn...

 

The piece is just a generic slice of life for a guy who isn't sure what to do about his girl. Two guys discussing it and deciding how to correct the problem.

 

The argument about what the late wife's name is actually makes sense; a footnote is not fact.

 

Dancing Out of Tune

Inconspicuous Acuity

 

Mandalorian War era: Atris doesn't deal well...

 

As the author pointed out, (and if you look at the character carefully, you will realize) that Atris does have a habit of deciding what things mean without regard to simple things like fact. It makes her a frustrating character at the best of times, and this story is not the best of times by any stretch.

 

The most interesting thing about the story is the idea that a number of the Jedi that had gone to war were master status, including all of the main characters. This would mean the Jedi Civil War was actually a serious schism in the order, tantamount to the US's War Between The States or the Protestant Reformation if you want a religious referent.

 

Just a Dream

Handmethatcookie

 

No Specific era given: Some weird dreams...

 

It's devices (machines) not devises (creates)

 

The confusion about when it occurred was because we don't know if this Revan before he was captured, dreaming about the girl he left behind, or after he returned to the dark side, which would mean she was more likely dead.

 

That Good Ole Jedi Accountability

Trillian4210

 

Pre KOTOR: The Jedi council tries a little spin control...

 

The piece is funny because you have the Jedi trying to blame everyone but Revan, and the victim of this spin control is not even remotely amused. Very funny.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Love of theLight

AnimeAngel90

 

Post KOTOR: As the Sith move against Manaan, Revan's best friend agrees to an alliance with the Shadow warriors.

 

This isn't the first time someone has suggested a group apart from both Sith and Jedi who are more middle of the road. An interesting take.

 

Meeting your Evil Twin

HK-Revan

 

Pre KOTOR: On a field trip, Revan Malak and Kreia fall through a time rift

 

I didn't get a chance to read very far, but except for some wording problems 'soon she hopped(hoped) no prayed he would past(pass) means the work needs sight editing.

 

Errants

Red Ace

 

AU KOTOR on Taris: The name's the same, sort of...

 

With the real Revan dead, Carth has to depend on a flighty girl who has the same name and her loony sidekick. There's a running gag where they can never remember Bastila's name, and it gets silly from there.

 

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Thorüsa: Not a Shade of Doubt

MsFicwriter

 

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapter two of an ongoing work

 

I am curious as to why she cannot even touch her own ethereal body. I do understand her caution as phasing through a wall at present, but wondered why she kept expending effort to pick up material objects until she succeeded in opening the door.

 

Making her their equivalent of a ghost makes some sense; after all part of the reason given for the realm's existence is that people there can communicate with those who have not yet gone on.

 

The situation seems grim for her master for obvious reasons. After all, from my own study of history, any group that can convince all of their followers to ignore a supernova bright enough to read by would never let facts stand in front of the faith.

 

Thorüsa: The Missing Place

MsFicwriter

 

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapter 3 of the ongoing work

 

The view of the world was very interersting. Seeing the balanced forces of nature, both renewal and destruction, almost personalized. For the first time we see the avatars of both the Celesti and the leeches. I only wonder why there is only one celesti and thousands of leeches unless they are supposed to act in concert to drag a single soul to hell...

 

Both pieces this week well written as always.

 

I was able to get to a cached page from kotorfanmedia which had a comment that the ongoing problems they have been experiencing since their domain name change is still ongoing. Hope it gets fixed soon. It just means you'll be reading a lot more from Fanfiction.net, and I know you all just hate that...

 

 

Fanfiction.net

 

Broken Bones Broken Heart

Velkyn

 

Set in the Star Wars Galaxy RPG: A chance meeting causes the heroine to flee

 

The piece was too short. All we know about the main character is that she was a dancer, and that she is terrified of the 'masked man' for no apparent reason. Terrified enough to sell everything to escape him.

 

KOTOR II TSL

Zeren Jade

 

TSL from the beginning: The hero thinks

 

Remember to sight edit. When you said 'removed from the vents' I believe you meant 'removed from the (e)vents'.

 

The prologue made this good reading. Like my own work, the main character has a lot of angst over the war, but unlike mine, she pretty much ran from it. Though that was a valid option. Mine got a job where her non-Jedi skills were still usable.

 

Star Wars Reunion

Purple Bladed Jedi

 

Two Years Post TSL: Revan is back, but is she friend or foe?

 

Even three chapters into it there were too many questions; why is she seeking this specific person? How if that person linked enough into the Republic military that they are willing to stop Revan? And most important, why are they sure Revan came to assassinate the person

 

Tales of KOTOR The Lost Souls

Dante-Raven

 

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Wih his new found Jedi abilities still a mystery, Bao-Dur has other things interfering.

 

The piece was confusing. It seems the Exile is doing everything she can to bind him more firmly to her, without committing to love or training him.

 

Choosing Sides

SharingAnAvenger

 

Pre KOTOR: While negotiating with the Selkath, a Jedi master finds other things to worry about.

 

The piece has only one problem; It was too short and merely stopped! The setting of the trap is well done, including slow release gas to along with one expert shot (Jaq Rand) to be yet additional threats as two engage her with blades. We are hung up in a battle where the first one to make a mistake is likely going to die, and the Jedi has just decide to make a mistake just to draw her enemy out.

 

Pick of the week

 

I've decided that it isn't me having problems with fanfiction. Last night I did the review of the above story before crashing after devouring both drumsticks off my turkey. This morning I reloaded the page, clicked the back space, and ended up on the same file page (88) with stories I have never seen before and no trace of the one I had just reviewed.

 

Gottverdamnt!

 

Later, after venting, I found a link that takes me back to where I was. I have to reload from the link every time I want to return, but I can deal with that for the next weeks

 

The Mandalorian

McVicar

 

During TSL: A member of the Peragus mining team fights for his life.

 

The scenes do not flow very well. The work needs polishing. Also spelling Jolee Bindo backwards really isn't a new character name. We know that HK51 was reprogramming the mining droids to kill the people, but there was never a scene in the game where the droids used his voice.

 

A Jedi's Life is Sacrifice

Yelleisarobot

 

KOTOR after Leviathan: The crew flees, but cannot escape the truth

 

The piece is very well done with the team fighting Malik even though they are torn apart by the revelation. It is reminiscent of my own version of the same scene, except that being lovers was something Revan had considered only after Malik lost his jaw.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Slaughter of the Jedi Temple

DarkxPrince

 

Post KOTOR Darkside ending: History repeats itself in the past.

 

The word is planner (good with plans) rather than planer (A motorized device to plane wood.) and sweet instead of sweat.

 

The piece like the scene in the movie it mimics went too easy for the attackers in my mind; the good guys going down like dominos.

 

Full Circle

Lerolain

 

Five Years Post KOTOR: Revan remembers what she left behind.

 

The piece is sad with poignant memories. Very well done.

 

Pick of the Week

 

An Offer of Enlistment

Kallamae

 

Pre KOTOR: The famous choice from history; jail or join

 

This is one of the best pre-stories I have seen. Like my own where I created the entire prehistory of my own Revan before her 'death' and rebirth.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Doctor Crackers

Handmethatcookie

 

Post KOTOR: Sometimes, the shrink is almost as crazy as the patients

 

The piece started out odd, and went downhill from there. The doctor can't remember anyone's name, seems as I mentioned, crazier than Carth until the pilot tries to kiss him.

 

A pity; we never found out what happened to Jolee.

 

Pick of the Week

 

42B7

Jiara Anatalis

 

KOTOR on Tatooine: So that's how it happened!

 

The piece is funny and moves well as all of Jiara's work does. From accepting delivery of the original package to placing a bounty on the head of the man who did so if he doesn't get rid of the cargo was a riot. The reaction of the alien members of the crew made it very amusing.

 

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Little Leech Lost

MsFicwriter

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapter four of an ongoing work, looking at the world from another side...

 

The piece lives up to MsFicwriter's rep, and it is intriguing on more than one level; first that others have tried, from their own views, how to reach this realm. Second, that the heroine finally realizes that she might be in deeper trouble.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Star wars knights of the new republic chapter 1: fall of the new jedi order

battle111

 

During Jedi Academy II: Jaden Korr falls to the dark side.

 

Again, you're not using a spell checker. If you are using a word processing program, most of them have spell checking as part of the program. Merely run it when you're done. The mistakes in spelling are, as usual, where someone is spelling the word as it sounds. Sed instead of said for example. With a spellchecker, you'll get closer to what you're trying for.

 

MsFicwriter mentioned breaking the work into paragraphs rather than one massive paragraph. What I also notice is that you were pushing the story forward too fast. You go from heading out to find Rosh, to killing him, to going to Korriban to face Tavion to leading the Sith back to slaughter the Jedi; a sequence that would take several days but you compress it into one massive block.

 

With kotorfanmedia still down, we're at Fanfiction.net first.

 

No World For Heroes

Jord

 

Pre KOTOR at the end of the Mandalorian Wars: The final meeting between Revan and the soon to be Exile

 

The piece needs sight editing, in the first chapter you use reigns (rules) instead of reins (control devices for a riding animal) for example.

 

The concept is interesting, rogue Mando'a acting without sanction to continue fighting, and our Exile, not yet bereft of the force confronting what Revan is becoming. The idea that one death is the straw that broke this camel's back is interesting. A lot is not explained here; how Bao-Dur survives, and what is to follow. Of course I only had a chance to read the first of 22 chapters, and this is one I think worth coming back to if I ever find the time.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Seeing Double

Aeryn Phoenix

 

KOTOR aboard the Endar Spire: A 'person of interest' is detained by the Jedi aboard the ship. But is the story already lying to us?

 

The piece is interesting in several ways; first, making Revan one of a pair of twins, second, having her sister be the Exile. But starting where it does makes you wonder if she is the twin, rather than Revan as the game suggests.

 

A very interesting take, and as above, with 37 chapters, another I wish I had tome to read fully.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Exchange Girl

ElenaTheHun

 

KOTOR on Taris AU: Luxa mourns the loss of her lover

 

An interesting blending of the actual game. Having Juhani living on Taris at the same time Davik was still alive, and having Luxa living there as well. There doesn't seem to be a Revan in the mix, and having Bastila getting all the credit begs the question. A cute little 'love lost' story.

 

KOTOR III: The Shadows Cast by Darkness

Firebird 13

 

Post TSL: The Exile leaves in search of Revan

 

The piece has a few points that don't make sense, such as setting off the Mass Shadow Generator before they left the planet. Considering the very good explanation for it's operation, you would pretty much guarantee that they are going to die. Using the force to counteract it doesn't scan.

 

Fight It

X Illusion

 

TSL on Malachor V: The Exile has to decide who are really her friends.

 

The piece has an excellent repeat of the scene in Ludo's tomb, but with the difference that this time her friends are making sense.

 

Lies

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/2110394/1/KOTOR-Darth-Revan-Returns

KOTOR: Darth Revan Returns

Lexington's Hammer

 

KOTOR on the Star Forge: As the Republic fleet attempts to flee, Revan has some cleaning up to do.

 

The piece has Revan roaring back into power with a vengeance. His dealing with the incompetent Admiral was perfectly done.

 

Meatbag rituals

HoratiosBabyMama

 

Post TSL: After returning from finding Revan, the Exile chooses his new mate... Atton

 

Having read many a 'drunken confession' story, this one snuck up on me as to what happened next.

 

As the feet guide thee

ZeroDark9

 

The work needs some sight editing, and polishing; Whatever she had (done to) made the droids, It's rode, not road, wasn't packed, not pack. The read is a bit rough. I usually use the analogy of a river. You want the reader to flow with it, and if you have rapids for no reason, it distracts the reader from the story.

 

The Instruments of Darkness

Kendoka Girl

 

KOTOR in the Unknown system: As the climactic battle begins, Carth races to stop the reborn Darth Revan if he can.

 

The piece starts out well with a lot of angst as Carth remembers the carnage. Another piece I wish I could read to the end.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Delta 1107

PFC Koprulu

 

Star Wars Clone Wars Era: Left for dead, Sev must survive as best he can

 

The piece was too short, even as two paragraphs. The scenes had the gritty feel of reality, and the trap well laid.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Atlas Astray

Art Of War 2006

 

No specific Era given: An assassin carries out the mission, regardless of the pain.

 

The piece was fast paced, a thrill ride not to be missed, yet I still don't know who was killed. A pity I didn't have time to read further.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Shadow's Eve

Pimp3dout335

 

KOTOR AU: With Revan dead and Malak not the only problem to deal with, both KOTOR crews must work together.

 

The piece is unrelieved darkness with little or no hope of relief. Only had a chance to read the first chapter, but looking good.

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic: Rising Destiny

Ferc Kast

 

Post TSL: A team on a mission faces and unsuspected threat.

 

The piece is well written, and the only problems I have are technical.

 

Technical, Chiss: The Chiss were first contacted in the book Outbound Flight, where an old Republic attempt to depart the Galaxy ran into the race. However that is about 3,980 years in the future of the timeline. This would be like Jason and the Argonauts looking for the Golden Fleece, and facing off against the KGB when they find it.

 

Don't be too upset by this; when they created the game Jedi Academy II, they used Noghri as an enemy Jaden Korr faced, Yet according to the Expanded Universe, the Noghri only served Vader, and later his daughter Leia Organa, and Luke Skywalker, his son.

 

Technical, Ship type: Again you've used a ship that will not exist for again, almost 4000 years. To continue the analogy above, you have Jason and his men armed with bronze swords and spears boarding a Tarawa Class landing ship when they went on their voyage.

 

Thorüsa: Our Divine Mission/Greatest of the Fiends

MsFicwriter

 

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapter five of an ongoing work, Seeking along with the demons for the next victim...

 

The piece was well wrought, and well portrayed; the idea that the major worms who devoured the smaller ones searched for those destined for hell was a good analogy.

 

My main contention; that truth doesn't dissuade an inquisitor still stands. As I pointed out in The Devil is in the Details, those who become inquisitors do not care about minor things like reality to dissuade them from their purpose. As I pointed out there, a charge of witchcraft didn't worry about whether a woman was, or was not virgin could prove she was not used sexually by the devil.

 

For those of you who have not read it, remember the episode of the old Bewitched TV show where Samantha is sent back to Salem during the time of the witchcraft trials, and Darrin must use a magical coin to bring back her memories. When her memory returns, she uses a logical argument; that witches, with their supernatural powers cannot be bound by something simple like iron, but the judge uses logic in reverse; that her use of logic to prove them wrong instead proves their contention.

 

If you have read the Star Trek EU, they used the same contention in one of the first books, using a debased version of an Einsteinian thought problem; that a ship that appears at X number of light seconds distance, that then reappears as Y distance means that your original data was in error, and there are actually two ships, not one, since FTL travel is automatically impossible.

 

In other words; regardless of what our heroine does, I see a bleak future for her teacher.

 

Star Wars: Ascension of the Sith

Scorge

 

2000 years BBY: A Sith apprentice goes on her first mission

 

The basics are good, but there are a few problems.

 

First, since Korriban was abandoned 2,000 years earlier, why are they still using the same two millennia old Star Map as a test? Second, and it is a constant irritant to me, with hundreds of thousands of known planets, why do younger writers return to the ones mentioned in the movies? If you were to name the planet she was sent to Blatherkite, I would accept it more readily. After all; Hoth is halfway across the Republic from Korriban.

 

Fanfiction.net

 

On course

HoratiosBabyMama

 

Post TSL: How else can a simple return home be screwed up?

 

The piece is fun, though you only see three of the characters. The ending reminds me of the original Geico commercials, as it was meant to.

 

Star Wars: Search for the Truth

Charles Lamont

 

Set during TOR: A pair of Jedi are hunted by a Sith Assassin.

 

Improper word usages. It is bore (As in carries or wears) not bared.

 

Technical note; A sniper is not a weapon, except for modifications to an existing weapon, such as mounting a scope and accurizing an existing rifle to make it a sniper rifle. The term is applied to the person using it instead.

 

You're pushing the action and locations too rapidly. You literally go from Korriban to Nar Shaddaa in a single paragraph.

 

A knights tale

Sweetheartedfaerie

 

KOTOR from the beginning on Endar Spire: Our plucky heroine is having way too much fun here...

 

Improper word usage, and you have a problem I do, which is forgetting to finish sentences. It comes from letting the story flow as you write, which means it's good. But because it does flow well, your think you've completed the sentence, and only a later sight edit notices the problem. As an example of both, the sentence, 'Nope the republic and well the sith usually make so much sound (Should be noise, and should be followed by I) could hear them a mile off.' Then you used through (passing through something) instead of threw (Hurled).

 

Technical note, praise: You did one thing few people consider when using game mechanics, you explain the difference between a standard and a 'power' shot; and how to alter the weapon to do so. Kudos!

 

The author says it's the first time, and that shows. But there is a spark of real talent here. A pity I don't have time to read beyind the first section.

 

Pick of The Week

 

To Be An Echani

Twinklet26

 

Mandalorian Wars: A training exercise gets a little hot and heavy

 

Technical note, Military: The command attention means to snap to; not to salute. In standard parlance you have two separate commands, one for attention, the other 'hand, salute!'.

 

Technical, training: You do not usually go from the equivalent of greeting superiors to a training situation. Instead you would have two separate formations, or merely cut out the first one. Also, when training, you would have people versed in the specific moves, and would be more free form. The piece looks like a basic training exercise.

 

The main problem I had was simpler than that. If you play a male Exile (Or use the mods to get the Handmaiden instead of Disciple as I did, you would remember a scene where she questions how Atton knows Echani Martial Arts. If Revan had been training Republic troops in that art, she would have asked when he received that training under Revan.

 

The Real Han Solo and other kotor oneshots

Revan's Pet Duck

 

Post TSL: Like we'd want to be that...

 

The premise of the first oneshot is amusing, especially since none of the accused want to be. Most of RPD's stuff is amusing, and I know I'm going to wish I could have read them all.

 

Fighting the Past

Atrimis2124

 

Post TSL: The two former Jedi are finally reunited, but they need some help

 

The piece doesn't give us much to work with, but it is well enough done that I wanted more.

 

Sleeping With Ghosts

Araceli

 

Post KOTOR: They might not get the chance for happily ever after

 

The piece was well done, the Council doing everything it can to interfere with the burgeoning romance. I wish I could read on because I anticipate an explosion worthy of the old Darth Revan...

 

Pick of the Week

 

The Orgins of My OC

The Thermopage

 

No specific era given: The creation of a new life form

 

The piece wasn't long enough to really get a feel for the author's style. Pretty much all we have is the genesis of another race, but how that sole survivor fits into the SW universe is left up for grabs.

 

Abandoned

Saiyan Angie

 

Post TSL: The one left behind

 

The piece covers a well known subject for those who've played the game. The one left behind when the hero has to go off and save the galaxy one more time.

 

Trask's Savior

Guardian Zenithar

 

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The first Republic trooper we see die has his own spotlight

 

All we know about this person before this story is he's alone and dies as the hero and Trask enter the battle. But the author brought him to vibrant life, and in a good way. He is an efficient soldier, yet he is also the typical grunt.

 

When he sees the name tag on the compartment, he's irritated. It is assumed an officer knows better, and has a reason for everything he does, but it is also a fact that 'butter bars', the sarcastic appellation given to second lieutenants in Army or Marine units, and Ensigns in the navy, are only officers because they service says they are; and none have proven themselves to be worthy of being the leaders. The stories about stupid things done by butter bars in any military are legion.

 

His little mutinous act; locking down the outer door, is a perfect little tit for tat reaction.

 

Resurrecting A Fallen Appellation

Kian

 

KOTOR aboard Leviathan: With his belief system in ruins, Carth must deal with who he loves

 

The piece covers from Saul's revelation to when Carth confronts her aboard the Ebon Hawk, and is a swirl of fast action, and even deeper introspection. Like any person discovering the truth about another, Carth is trying to find signs he felt he should of recognized that would have told him sooner.

 

He is balancing the person he knows against the person she had once been, and even at the end, is still undecided. The author's characterization of Revan from before reminds me of all the memories recorded about General Patton; and how some of them make the man larger than life.

 

Very well done

 

Pick of the Week

 

Knights of the old republic, Atton

Rain

 

Post TSL: He can't get her out of his mind

 

It's rare that I review a songfic because most of them are just the song, and little else. This one used the song to paint the broad strokes of the background and his feelings, the rest, just a few lines, captures a man so deep in despair, that he's diving into a bottle head first. Adding Mission and Zaalbar from the first team helps, because there is no one except the Disciple who would spend the time trying to drag his head out of it.

 

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

Just found out that the log in to post to SWKs is also down (Whimper)

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

The Promise

Chevron 7 locke

 

No specific era given: An atypical Sith is rushed to a medical center

 

The author has done the one thing I wish more writers would; looked at the Sith as if they were just a faction, and not a mass of sociopaths.

 

The treatment of the Sith throughout most of the Genre reminds me more of the mirror world created in Star Trek with the ISS Enterprise, people who are sadistic and brutal because they want to be rather than through any logical creation of a parallel universe.

 

It is the same way every society treats an enemy in war time; assuming them guilty of every crime known to man. If you remember movies of WWII during and from the actual war era, you see men in parachutes shot up by fighters, lifeboats being machine gunned, people butchered in the most brutal fashion in pretty much a regular basis, but the war had so few actual incidents that they could almost be defined as the wartime equivalent of urban legends.

 

Thorüsa: The Worth of Vengeance

MsFicwriter

 

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapter six of an ongoing work, the heroine's guide has to stop long enough for a little gloating

 

An interesting chapter in that the spirits seem to be stopped by material barriers in some cases; the larger demons unable to get to their next victim while the heroine and her companion are able to use a rat hole to enter. Also that for some reason The still living woman can hear and see the companion. Since this victim is the one who caused the death of her companion, I can understand his desire for a little payback before going on...

 

Fanfiction.net

 

An Unavoidable Path

RonsInnerVoice

 

Post TSL: The Exile considers his next task; following Revan

 

The piece is an excellent division of what he must do and what is expected of him. The author takes the character through every bit of the logical thought process necessary from the sheer impossibility of his quest through emotional relationships he isn't willing to admit to, onto what would happen if he failed.

 

The only negative I have is a constant one; a ship does not have rooms; it has compartments.

 

One Down Three to Go

Cable Fraga

 

Post TSL: As he searches for the Exile, Atton considers what brought him to this point

 

The idea that the old standbys for entertainment in his mind, drinking and cards no longer moves him is good. A sign of maturity we don't expect to see in Atton. This piece suggests that what is called the Unknown Regions of the galaxy are a lot larger than the map from the original Star Wars, which is a logical assumption. There are still places on our own home world that can be defined as 'Terra Incognita even today.

 

However the idea that some ancient surveying organization marked four distinct places as 'you can't go any further' was a bit much.

 

The Corner

Kendoka Girl

 

KOTOR on Korriban: Dustil must take that final step

 

The piece has all of the self doubt you would expect when someone has to go against what he believes. The only negative I had with the piece was who is this Lorna? The girlfriend the Sith has gotten rid of was named Selene.

 

Lies Never Told

Lightsider

 

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Trask completes his last assignment

 

The piece is a shortened and pretty much generic retelling of the events from the start of the game to when Trask faces off with the Dark Jedi. By changing the focus of the game to Trask, he does come a bit more into focus, but he still is a colorless man, with only his devotion to duty, and the regret that he failed in keeping a promise to his wife in sharp relief.

 

Advice from a Homicidal Droid

Khrma

 

KOTOR on Tatooine: There are times when you don't ask HK for advice...

 

The author is self denigrating, and I agree that while it had a touch of the Hitchhiker's Guide, it really didn't fit. But funny it was.

 

The piece showcases HK's standard attitudes. I'm just surprised that the author missed the second definition of discrete; Consisting of unconnected distinct parts, as in several discrete bullet holes.

 

The definition of love HK used was choice, and the funniest part is the being he is speaking to uses it exactly.

 

Soul Of Genius

DGraham

 

One year post TSL: While the Republic struggles to rebuild, Revan and the Exile continue with their mission

 

The piece is a first attempt at the author's admission. As a first attempt it is well written if a bit bland. There is nor real additional characterization done, but the description of the 'rebel' base is intriguing.

 

Leave it to Jinart!

Tanyart

 

Set during Republic Commando Hard Target: A shapeshifter has a run in with some pesky Commandos...

 

With only 2000+ words, I had a chance to read them all, and the work is funny. The creature deals with them by adjusting the form to match things that are innocuous, but not without problems. At one time having a commando sit on it, then relieving his bladder on it.

 

Trying to Forget

Muhnemma

 

Several years Post KOTOR: Revan thinks of what might have been

 

The piece is a sad introspective. After losing her child by Carth, and her eventual return to the Republic, she still wishes the daughter she had not had would have survived.

 

The Shadows of the Rim

Saber Girls

 

Two years post TSL: A new threat looms

 

We know from comments made that Revan and the Exile are out here somewhere, but in what I read (Opening crawl and Steel Vultures) you haven't seen them yet. However the salvage girl with her plucky attitude and small ship was immediately interesting. The author has considered the problems of such a small operation from using a droid as her remaining 'crew' to what she can harvest for sale because of the ship's size.

 

Just from what I read about her I wished for more time.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Star Wars Revenge of the Sith

Vader's Apprentice

 

AU Star Wars during ROTS: With Kenobi dead and the Emperor dead, Vader now rules.

 

Improper word usage and grammar. It's there instead of their, and cracked instead of crack. This is an editing problem, as is forgetting quotation marks and conversation breaks.

 

An interesting take on the end of the game and the possible outcome, but I have a few quibbles. As often as dead Sith Lords try to turn those who follow, it is sort of closer to a demonic possession situation here. If such did happen the voice of the possessor would not usually be used; the reason they do it in movies is so the audience knows what has happened

 

A Week Ago In A Certain Videogame Not So Far Away

Magistra Nocte13

 

TSL: The Exile is suddenly saddled with two teenage girls. Be afraid, be very afraid...

 

Remember conversation breaks. The first work was confusing enough without that. It got worse when we had three talking instead of just two.

 

That said, I wish the author had gone on with it. The soap opera like questions at the end cracked me up. Do you want my advice? Eat the sandwich and space the kids.

 

Pick of the week

 

Malak The Meatbag

Nocturniquette

 

Supposedly pre Mandalorian wars, quibble below: Malak and HK have a real hate-hate relationship

 

Remember conversation breaks. Without them a reader can be quickly confused.

 

The piece had it's moments of humor, though I enjoyed the profile of the author more, especially the comments on being flamed because he doesn't write the characters the way others perceive them. The author is correct that as fan fiction, he can do what he wants, and we can all go hang. As someone who used my own version of the Exile in a story here, and was accused of making a Mary Sue in the process, I agree with this author.

 

The quibble is, why would a Jedi who has not yet fallen create such a homicidal-droid?

[machievelli]

For those who worship; Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, and a cool Yule. Here it's cold and dry; as much as I know the city would be paralyzed by it, I wish it would snow this week. In fact a few months ago I learned the hill that leads from my home to where I catch the bus for work was a place where kids on sleds and snow boards whooped it up back in 2007 when it snowed heavily.

 

Well enough of my weather woes, let's get on with the reviews for this week. Kotorfanmedia is still down, and the SWK's site is also down, so I'm posting both my review for here but my review for SKW here as well. So without further ado...

 

Over at Fanfiction.net we start our week with an AU version of KOTOR with Bullet-Proof Marshmellows and Kotor Spectres: Redemption A Darkside Revan regains his position in DarkxPrince's

Battle of the Star Forge

 

and Best of the week, Bastila had had quite enough in SixTailedNinja's Bastila's Fall

 

Well things to do, places to be. Signing off...

 

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Thorüsa: Three Chapters

MsFicwriter

 

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapters seven to nine of an ongoing work, Now to challenge heaven...

 

There are some interesting plot twists in this segment; the inquisitior believing she can literally make an appointment with heaven to get her case reviewed, her victim merely waiting until she is devoured, and the heroine being dragged along between the two.

 

Fanfiction.net

 

Friendly Ties

Rian Sage

 

Pre Mandalorian Wars era: Even with different assignments, Malak and Revan maintain their friendship.

 

Some grammar problems, roll instead of role, that kind of thing. Nothing a sight edit wouldn't correct.

 

The piece so far (1st chapter) is an excellent slice of life. The one thing that bothered me with their first assignment is that Revan doesn't even bother to tell her senior partner that the Senator's wife had been treated with the new medicine, which I assume is bacta.

 

Star Wars Demolition

Vader's Apprentice

 

Three years after the battle of Yavin: A new form of game is created by Jabba

 

Minor grammar problems; know instead of no, victim rather than victims (so marked because of phrasing; 'the next of her-')

 

 

Quibble. In the first released movie Luke sold his speeder, he didn't give it to anyone.

 

The piece is very confusing. It looks like the author merely took the Death Race movies as the basic premise, and the list of participants in the game itself are a who's who of the villains of the books games and movies. Too many of them must survive, since they are known to live beyond this point. Also, the author has too many disparate vehicles for anything even remotely resembling a race to be logical. Speeder and speeder bikes operate at low lever, an AT-ST an middle, and a cloud car at high. All have advantages the others do ont, and disadvantages as well.

 

Veil of shadows

Zerbinetta

 

Pre KOTOR: After her capture, Revan is held by the Jedi as they consider what to do.

 

The piece is pretty long, 54 chapters. The first reminds me of watching Clarisse dealing with Hannibal Lector. Looks like it is worth the read.

 

The Cache

Muhnemma

 

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: There was something the Exile had to get...

 

The side quest to deal with Vogga has little of interest (Except for having the female Exile dance), which why when I wrote my own version, I merely had T3 handle the infiltration. But this was an interesting twist.

 

Knights of the Old Republic: Depth of Soul

Evaron

 

Pre KOTOR: Not every mission goes right

 

Remember to have something to break between scenes so that the reader can keep track of it. You have the scenes coming so quickly that the reader has trouble keeping track.

 

Star Wars KotOR III: Scars of the Sith

Krayt-Eagle

 

TSL on Malachor V: The new adventure begins as the old one ends

 

The piece starts off a bit dry but does pick up. As it's 18 chapters long, I couldn't go very far into it

 

Love You Forever and Ever

Layana Danare

 

Post KOTOR: She had to explain, even if only in a letter

 

The piece is short and sweet like a letter you would expect. Pretty much what you would anticipate.

 

Surfacing

Muhnemma

 

KOTOR Starting on the Endar Spire: Our Heroine has a rough day

 

Technical note: Shipboard nomenclature is not like that usually used in conversation. Doors are hatches, rooma are compartments. I suggest reading my article; Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

 

The piece is basically a retelling from the start to partway through the Upper city. There are a few changes, having Carth get food, and seeing Mission and Zaalbar (Though the reader doesn't know it). The flow is good, and the scenes relatively well portrayed.

 

Bastila's Fall

SixTailedNinja

 

KOTOR on Dantooine: The real reason Bastila fell...

 

improper grammar; hear instead of here, nock (The clip on an arrow that holds it to the string) rather than knock it off.

 

The piece surprised me. I expected something a little darker (Though the author did say comedy). So having Bastila lose it because they're acting like a bunch of school kids on a day trip was fun. The reaction of the masters was a riot. It reminded me of my Ex wife; whenever the news televised a police chase, she'd run into the kitchen and make snacks, then sit and watch as if it were the Superbowl.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Kotor Spectres: Redemption

Bullet-Proof Marshmellows

 

AU KOTOR, no specific portion at start: A reformed Jedi looks for the members of his old squad.

 

The piece is fast paced, the fight scenes well portrayed. The author is one of the first I have seen in seven years to use the term 'melee weapon' correctly, since there is a crowd of attackers rather than one.

 

Didn't read beyond chapter one, no time. But it looked very interesting.

 

Pick of The Week

 

Battle of the Star Forge

DarkxPrince

 

KOTOR in the final battle: The fate of the galaxy rests in Revan's hands, but who is going to win?

 

Improper words, planed (trimmed wood) instead of planned, dye (Change the color) instead of die (Expire), sawing (Cutting) instead saying (Vocalizing) Fin (appendage) instead of fine (well), wreath (Something hanging on a door in this holiday season) instead of worth (Equal to).

 

You also forgot a word in the battle on top (Of) the Rakata temple. The first is a problem usually corrected by sight editing, since you used a word that would pass a spellcheck but fail if you read it. The second is something I have to watch out for, because you're writing so fast, you're forgetting to finish out the sentence.

 

In the second section you shifted tenses, from past to present in the third paragraph, then back in the fifth.

 

Technical note: Except for Asajj Ventress, I have not seen a double light-saber that will work as two singles. A standard double light saber, unlike a two bladed metal sword, is not going to work as two singles if cut in half.

 

This looked good, but I didn't have time to read it all.

 

Pick of the Week

 

The Dispossessed

Elenathehun

 

Post ROTS: Sometimes, the win is to survive.

 

The piece focuses on one ex-Jedi on one off the way world, and is confusing because there is no specific course to steer to guide the reader to the end.

 

For those who worship; Happy Hannukah, Merry Christmas, and a cool Yule. Here it's cold and dry; as much as I know the city would be paralyzed by it, I wish it would snow this week. In fact a few months ago I learned the hill that leads from my home to where I catch the bus for work was a place where kids on sleds and snow boards whooped it up back in 2007 when it snowed heavily.

 

Well enough of my weather woes, let's get on with the reviews for this week. Kotorfanmedia is still down, and the SWK's site is also down, so I'm posting both my review for here but my review for SKW here as well. So without further ado...

 

Over at Fanfiction.net we start our week with an AU version of KOTOR with Bullet-Proof Marshmellows and Kotor Spectres: Redemption A Darkside Revan regains his position in DarkxPrince's

Battle of the Star Forge

 

and Best of the week, Bastila had had quite enough in SixTailedNinja's Bastila's Fall

 

Well things to do, places to be. Signing off...

[machievelli]

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Thorüsa: Disturbances

MsFicwriter

 

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapters ten of an ongoing work, the Inquisitor's art

 

The piece is flowing well. I notyice the author has seen the strength of every witch trial, Red Hunt, or inquisition; it isn't the one person being tormented now, it's those who you can later torment that this person will give you. It is also good to find out that her teacher's theory, that someone in this realm can definitely be heard, meaning living people can be warned. Then again, the churchmen's idea that any such voice is automatically evil does pose a problem

 

Fanfiction.net

 

There Is No Emotion

Little Green Kitten

 

KOTOR escaping from Endar Spire: The story begins...

 

The piece needs polishing, but that and one other are the only negatives I can honestly say. The other is technical. The writing is a bit stilted, but that comes with practice.

 

Technical, Shipboard: Remember that as one professional writer said a few decades ago, the minute there was a different group called sailors, they immediately created their own slang to differentiate them from landsmen, and that came from the unique conditions of a ship at sea. For a more detailed explanation, go to Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

 

One thing specifically; as an example, on a warship every crewman is issued a life jacket, or has one readily available. In that future it would be a space suit of some kind. That is his 'one man lifepod'. There are lifeboats aboard along with life rafts, but they are designed to carry between 10 and fifteen people each. The lifepods we get to see in the Clone Wars TV series for example appear to have space for that many readily.

 

For a first work, this isn't too bad.

 

Assumptions

SimplyxAmazing

 

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: The fighting just has to stop...

 

The piece was fun to read, though I did't get more than the first chapter into it. Having Mical suddenly kiss the Exile surprised me a bit, and having Atton blow up at the sight fit the female Exile-Atton relationship sequence readily.

 

Redemption

PadawanMage

 

KOTOR on Lehon: A chance decision leads to a later confrontation

 

The piece had a few flaws, having Mission nibble on 'his' lip, that kind of thing.

 

The idea that Carth would just run away leaving his shipmates to their fate bothered me in the Game too, and having someone create a youtube cutscene having Carth facing a darkside Revan aboard the Star Forge was an excellent starting point. The only real problem I had was with continuity...

 

How did Revan and Bastila pass Carth without the trio noticing each other?

 

To Teach Atton to Dance

Achalys

 

TSL probably on Dantooine: Who is he trying to impress?

 

The piece was fun, especially Mira's conditions. Using the analogy of the way the Force moves works very well.

 

Pick of the Week

 

The Story of Jonas Ra

GriffonUnion

 

Mandalorian Wars to the present: A special unit is deployed to protect two Jedi

 

The basic idea is good, though doesn't really fit the genre. After all, the Jedi are supposed to be highly efficient warriors, why are they deploying a special team to protect them when there are probably hundred of thousands even millions that are not being given such protection?

 

Star wars Republic commando: blood staind armor

DOOMTROOP

 

Star Wars Republic Commandos: Arrival on Geonosis

 

The problem is there isn't enough to really get a good feel for the author's work. It's not even an introduction, just a paragraph.

 

The Deigo

Amma Moto

 

KOTOR on Kashyyk: Carth meets an odd denizen of the Shadowlands.

 

I didn't have a chance to read very far into it, but it did have an interesting premise.

 

10 Things I Hate About You

Amma Moto

 

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Solomon would have said to hell with it and had a drink...

 

The piece is totally confusing, Revan is so busy being Dark Helmet rather than herself, and Carth couldn't win if it were his own deck of cards.

 

I liked it.

 

Pick of the Week

 

The Lost Knight

Eowynjedi

 

Three Weeks Post TSL: The Lost Jedi must find all those other lost

 

Remember to finish sentences, it's 'in spite (of) the noise'. This is a problem I have sometimes, writing so fast that I forget words that belong.

 

The piece had some interesting twists; having the first act of these Jedi attempting to discover clues to others being a case of Grand Theft, Mical trying to be suave and debonair with Visas not having a clue as to what he intends.

 

Battle Lullaby

Saiyan Angie

 

The piece is a scene of mayhem and slaughter worthy of a Samurai movie. The only jarring note is that this is our Exile, yet it appears she has all of the capabilities, just not her lightsaber.

 

At The End of All Things

Muhnemma

 

One Year Post TSL: The Exile finally finds her old companion, as those she left behind have their own problems

 

The piece is poignant, two friends who find themselves again allied, but at a terrible price to themselves. Unfortunately I couldn't read much. I really wanted to.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Dark Side

DarkMonks

 

KOTOR Dream Sequence: Revan remembers

 

The piece is too short to get a good feel for the author's style, except for one thing... You really don't need more than a single exclamation point or question mark.

 

Shadow of a Smile

D.G.Arrow

 

TSL aboard Ravager: A crewman finds that he can never be free of his master

 

The piece is dark, with no relief. The speaker ends up literally addicted to the Sith Lord. Even in death his spirit seeks out that drug yet again.

[machievelli]

Fusion is back up, but I'm wondering and address this first section to the Mods; What is a deprecated error? While the reviews appear to have posted (By checking SWK directly) I keep getting that when I post...

 

Whatever it is, it puts almost 200 lines starting with deprecated before the review

[machievelli]

Having some problems here with reloacting to another apartment in the same complex. So I'm taking a week hiatus.

[machievelli]

Still haven't moved, so I did my reviews a little early

 

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Sand and War

Yukub

 

NSW Fic: A soldier writes a letter home

 

The piece is short, more a prologue than anything else. There is almost no character development.

 

The one trend I like in more recent movies and fiction is the idea that humans are not necessarily the good guys. As Tom Clancy pointed out in Clear and Present Danger, while we called the effort to get drugs off the street the war on drugs, historically there have been only two real wars linked directly to drugs, and in both cases it was the English using Opium to pay for commodities bought in China, and forcing the Chinese to accept it in payment.

 

Write more.

 

Thorüsa: Midgame

MsFicwriter

 

Medieval fantasy tale: Chapters twelve to 14 of an ongoing work, Decisions on who to rescue...

 

The continuing view of the story is very interesting because of the concept that the rituals of their priests do actually interfere with the 'demonic' influences, though like any repressive religion, their view of what is evil is very broad. When you find the sister the 'leech' seeks, there's a brief discourse on past rebellions against their religion. I was interested in the number of them. Like the Original Catholic Church, there is a lot of unrest beneath the surface...

 

Pick of the Week for work overall.

 

Fanfiction.net

 

Knights of the Old Republic: The Unknown Regions

The Lemon Thrower

 

Post TSL: Now the Exile has her new mission. But first, she must research Revan

 

The piece is well wrought; the bone deep weariness of the last battle comes across but more is to come. I didn't have a chance to read the other two chapters; I rarely do. But this one looks to be worth the effort.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Some Minor Irritation

Niobe Asha

 

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Somethings just make you forget what you were going to say

 

It was short and sweet, and that comment above is all I can think of to say about it. As a single scene in a much larger work, it would have been excellent.

 

Dark Lord Rising

Niobe Asha

 

Pre KOTOR: A Shakespeare quote brought to life

 

The end surprised me a bit. Specifically that Revan had already fallen when the last battle occurred, since her contacts with the Sith shouldn't have occurred yet. Historically, this would be like Benedict Arnold deciding to turn traitor the instanat he was put in charge of West Point. Way too short, but it gets you.

 

Stars

Niobe Asha

 

PreKOTOR: Two young girls spend quality time together

 

The problem with it is like everything I've read from the author, it's way too short.

 

First Dreams

Auros Sopherai

 

Beginning of the Mandalorian Wars: Canderous takes the first steps toward becoming Manda'Lor, but at a price

 

The piece had some flaws, primarily grammar, but it was well wrought and compelling.

 

Technical notes: Usually I spend these pointing out errors, and this will be no exception, but here I also have praise for the portrayal of the Mando'a society. It is reminiscent of the Spartans in that trusted Helots, those slaves from Non Spartan cities, actually fought alongside their putative masters sometimes to the death. Of course here as in real life you have those who look down on those people just because of their status.

 

Also you added the idea that the various Clans are opponents often enough that only Manda'lor could call them together in peace.

 

Negative one: Not even the Spartans put a Helot in command of 'real' Spartans. Minor point, but true.

 

Negative two: While you had a good explanation as to why their IR wasn't operating at the start, it wouldn't have continued into the next day. Oh I'll admit the specific spot where the plasma hit would still be hot perhaps days later, but as with say an incendiary weapon, the blast would not go that far from that target site.

 

Very well done

 

Pick of the Week

 

Lost Twice Over

Sandra Evans

 

Post TSL: Sometimes talking to a stranger in a bar helps...

 

The only negative I found was the jump from his sorrows in the apartment to the bar without a break. In fact I actually hit the page up button just to make sure I hadn't missed one.

 

The two characters were well written and clearly defined, and having Carth figure out that it's Atton he's speaking to was choice. Seems three guys were in love, all lost, and all hang at the same bar.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Forgive and Forget

Muhnemma

 

KOTOR on Korriban: With Revan exhausted from the fight for the last Star Map, Carth makes his move.

 

The piece did and didn't surprise me. First, having Carth decide to kill her made sense of a sort, though his blithe 'we'll deal with Malak without you' was a little flat. Whistling in the dark to my mind considering the hell they later went through on Lehon.

 

Having her accept his decision also made sense. In my own version of the Korriban mission I had Revan herself instruct her crew to create a gauntlet even she could not pass if she fell on the planet, with a multilayer defense designed by all of her people, and removed from the minds of anyone who might leak it to her.

 

If interested, it's located at LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > KOTOR excerpts > page 3 > post 106 and 119.

 

The only line I didn't agree with was the 'I loved him, but when he wouldn't let it go, I didn't love him anymore' idea.

 

Pick of the Week

 

The Path of an Exile

EmeraldDragon951

 

Post TSL on Dantooine: With their main mission completed, the Exile and his disciples now begin to build anew. But the enemy is watching...

 

Some grammar problems, but nothing that can't be fixed by a sight edit.

 

While the idea of infiltrating some of your own Sith into the mix works as a basic premise, I can't see anyone with any serious training doing it unless you use a sleeper agent who doesn't know he is one, ala the book Telefon by Walter Wager. Anyone who would try would be readily detected in time due to something as simple as attitudes.

 

Technical note: Changing out lightsaber crystals in the game uses a workbench. While I think it would probably be easy enough using basic hand tools, I can't see someone just popping it open like replacing a magazine of ammunition in a firearm.

 

Meditations On Malachor

All The Umbrellas In London

 

At the end of the Mandalorian Wars: Different Jedi view the last battle in their own ways

 

Wrong words used some times, wonder instead of wander for example.

 

Technical note: Vandar did not to use the euphemism, Yoda-speak

 

The biggest problem with the scenes on Coruscant is as I mentioned, Vandar does not speak like Yoda. Also, condemning the Exile out of hand does not make sense. That was part of the reason I didn't like the 'trial' scene in TSL.

 

Burned by the fires of a Galaxy aflame

Kendoka Girl

 

KOTOR spanning from Dantooine on: The adventure begins

 

The piece is well done, portraying in the first chapter the final moments before the young man puts on his robes and accepts the Jedi order.

 

Letting Go

OnlytheForce

 

TSL on Malachor V: The Exile deals with the death of Atton.

 

A well written emotional display of one of the cut scenes from the game.

 

Our Minds Are Mist

The Masked Bandit

 

KOTOR enroute to Korriban: The crew works to prepare for the next confontation

 

The piece (At least the first chapter) needs some editing and polishing. First, remember possessives (Ship(')s latest, Davik(')s Ebon Hawk. Second remember to have spacing after punctuation. Third reread your sentences to make sure they say what you mean; 'He had been using blasters for his entire time on Taris,that he welcomed the chance to ge to grips with a different weapon' only makes sense if you think about it.

 

When some is reading your work, you don't want them trying to work out what your sentences mean. You want them reading and visualizing what is happening. I tend to liken the flow of a story to a river. What you want is a slow smooth ride except for when you have action, when it's choppy, or even white water. Not sand bars that hang the reader up trying to figure out where to go next, or disrupting the tranquil scene.

[machievelli]

Fanfiction.net

 

Into the Frey

Tealfrog26

 

During ANH: Three real odd fellows escape from the Tantive IV

 

Grammar problems; You here(hear) them to(o) right, and the word is fray (Battle) not Frey (Norse God) also it is console, not counsel.

 

The piece was light, confusing, and a riot. The end of the first chapter, with the officer not shooting the pod because there was no intelligent life in it was just icing on the cake.

 

Full Circle

Athena Solaris

 

KOTOR aboard Star Forge: Only now does she realize her error

 

The piece is a long rationalization of why the changes for the worse are good. Yet inside the newly risen Revan, there was hope until this moment.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Forgiveness

FrackinAmazin

 

KOTOR after the Leviathan revelation: The only one left to accept the truth is Carth

 

The piece is basically a generic view of Carth accepting who Revan is now rather than who she had been. While some react negatively to the term generic, it means just that it is a workmanlike job without too many frills. It was worth the read.

 

Behind The Mask

Zay-el

 

KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Behind the mask there is someone who is seeking love

 

The piece focuses on just one thing, the burgeoning relationship between Revan and Bastila. The situation is lightened by Mission almost giggling like a school girl about Bastila's condition.

 

As I commented in my own KOTOR work, it would have been more logical for the Jedi to teach focusing and controlling their emotions rather than denying them completely.

 

Stargate: Republic Commando Star Wars Version

Taitcoca2009

 

Republic Commando/Stargate Crossover: Delta Squad finds a strange portal to...Earth?

 

The piece needs a sight edit. A lot of times a word is truncated, such as the word any being spelled as Ny. Don't sweat that, I sometimes have letters left off because my keyboard sticks a bit. That's why I said sight edit.One thing you did consistently is misspell Separatist.

 

The real negative I have of this is it violates the 'long ago in a galaxy far, far away' rule. While a Stargate can transport you across space, why would they end up in our world of today? Why not arrive before the Egyptians buried it initially? In fact the arrival of people like Delta squad could have been the catalyst for that action.

 

To Helen On the Occasion of Her Birth

Lorelei Jane

 

Post TSL: A pair of proud parents begin a diary for their newborn daughter.

 

The piece is in two parts; one for each parent, and both have the feel and voice of the characters well established. I liked the nuances of each, Jennet chiding her about the first kiss that won't happen for over a decade, and all the effort she will end up putting into having privacy for that. Balanced by Canderous wanting her to choose a man willing to stand up to her father; not without fear (Or I won't have done my job right) and comparing the birth to a planning and surviving a battle.

 

Perfect.

 

Pick of the Week

 

The One Force Book I

Mr. Dimensional

 

KOTOR on Taris: The beginning of the saga

 

I don't know why the author discontinued the work, it was rather good; changing up the beginning to put a Sith trooper in Trask's place, having both her and Carth starting to have emotional feelings earlier than anticipated. I would have liked to see it continue.

 

Pick of the week

 

Finale

Plebia

 

TSL after final fight with Kreia: One last battle before they go on

 

The piece is well done, and the diatribe at G0T0 about what she will do if he doesn't let her finally destroy Malachor was choice.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Rapper's Tale

Rapperport

 

Star Wars Galaxy: A planet separated from the galaxy for over as century sends out a probe to discover what has happened to the Old Republic

 

Well written, though confusing for the reasons mentioned below.

 

First, what basis for comparison does the main character have when determining what is girlfriend is like? Think of comparing someone from the Old Spanish Empire to a modern day Spanish girl, which is close enough in time to use.

 

Technical note: You confused me with the idea that the planet the character represents has been separated from the Galaxy for 111 years. You see, that means the representative in the Senate has also been separated for the same time. It wasn't until later that I worked out that it was the planet itself trying to contact the Republic again.

 

For Mandalore

Niobe Asha

 

No specific period given: A mando'a's thoughts going into battle

 

The piece is short, but it gives an insight into the thoughts of a warrior going into battle.

 

Light and Dark

SweetPea88

 

TSL after Malachor V: A new vision leads the Exile to her new quest

 

The piece was a bit confusing, but by the end I wished there was more.

 

Pick of the Week

 

Cloak and Dagger

Kendoka Girl

 

TSL during Onderon Civil War: As they approach, the Exile wonders who the enemy is below...

 

The piece is interesting because of a deprture from the basic game, having Atton change sides and set up his erstwhile companions. Very excellent concept.

 

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

For some reason, my posts at SWK keep starting with Deprecated: Function ereg_replace() is deprecated in /home/starwars/public_html/fusion/index.php. Any ideas?

 

Coruscant Entertainment Center

 

Star Wars: KotOR: Revelations Part One - The Echo of Revan

The_Catto

 

Five years post TSL: Echoes of his past still haunt the Exile

 

The piece is remininscent of a story I read years ago; a man obsessed with a woman he knew only briefly and lost in death and every time he meets someone new he reenacts the first time they met, then rejects the new woman. A friend had a clone made of this perfect woman, yet the first time he meets her, she fails the same test.

 

The Exile is mentally locked onto an ideal, a perfect scene where his questions will be answered. Sadly in real life, this doesn't always happen.

 

Fanfiction.net

 

Like Revan

Auros Sopherai

 

Post TSL: A trio from the two crews undertake a special mission

 

The piece needs editing, as some sentences are poorly written anf there are some grammatical errors.

 

The basic premise is good, but there were too many places where it jarred me. Having some knowledge of espionage, I saw too many places where the team is far too credulous, assuming that things will go their way, and one was in using everything their supplier gave them without question.

 

Carth was even worse. Name any organization you wish, and I am sure that you can find data that ties them to unsavory elements in our society. Watch the movie Red Dawn where the occupiers of the town define the Boy Scouts as a 'paramilitary organization' as if it were the American version of the Hitler Youth.

 

Remember that Operation Enduring Freedom was planned using information the CIA 'cherry picked' (Chosing only data that supports rather than any that would suggest otherwise) to 'prove' that Iraq still had access to Weapons of Mass Destruction. The only thing proven of that data was having Intermediate Range Ballistic Missiles they should not have had.

 

That same data never explained where 286,000 liters of chemical weapons precursors went either...

 

Bastila's Redemption

EmeraldDragon951

 

Four years Post KOTOR: What will the Council do with a newly fallen Jedi?

 

A few grammical errors. Weather instead of whether.

 

The basics are good, though the council comes across as split beyond those willing to give her a chance, and those who expect her to fail. I only had a chance to read the first chapter, but what I did read was workmanlike.

 

Vision Thing

Niki Chidon

 

Post KOTOR: Across the gulf of years, Morgana speaks to Carth again

 

The piece is short, sad, and poignant, the vision Revan has seguing into an actual vision Morgana had before she met her husband, and then into her final words.

 

Revelations

daemonette19

 

KOTOR after the Leviathan: How does Revan deals with this news?

 

The reaction is shocking because she deals with it by freaking out more than anyone else aboard. A very well done piece.

 

Pick of the week

 

In the Breast Pocket

Sandra Evans

 

During TSL: Carth keeps two things in his pocket

 

The piece is soft and a bit disjointed. The idea that the ring he wished to give her shares the pocket is a nice touch.

 

Tempering The Blade

Lady Zenoka

 

During Clone Wars: Anakin finds a tableau 4,000 years old

 

The idea that the two times are connected somehow is not new. I didn't have time to read to far into it.

 

The Empire's Commandos

Faces Come out of the rain

 

During General order 66 at Jedi temple: The Commandos are part of the operation

 

The piece started off generally well, but soon became repetitive, new room, same attempt by youngling(s) to defend themselves, holding and killing in the same manner pretty much everty time.

 

Dreams and Realities

Nina Of the Galaxy

 

Pre KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Now she has a new dream

 

The piece comes across as if Revan is a young teenager suddenly fixated on the new boy in town. She wanted to be a smuggler, now, she wants Carth.

 

Battle Meditation

El Stormo

 

preKOTOR: A demostration of battle meditation

 

An interesting look at how battle meditation can be used. The piece was a bit confusing at first, since every description suggests that the technique affects both sides of the equation. In the situation revealed in the first chapter, it is being used to confuse the enemy, but leaving the pilot and gunner of the shuttle alone.

 

He's Come Back

The Kiss of Immortality

 

Four Years Post KOTOR: An unexpected visitor

 

The piece is intriguing; why has Revan kept Carth out of her daughter's life? Considering that she spent several months running around during the Star Forge adventure, and an unspecified time being reprogrammed by the Council it has to be Carth's child. The intro made me want to find out, as a good story should.

 

Pick of the week

 

A Master's Tale

liquid vash

 

Pre-Star Wars series: The genesis of Master Yoda

 

The author's first fanfic. While the author commented on 'others have done this before' in all of my work as a critic now on four different sites, it is the first 'Yoda as a youngling' work I have seen. The whole work is only about 3500 words in two chapters, and I was left wondering why it still sits here fallow. It was a good start.

 

Only one negative; I can't see their teachers handing a child a practice lightsaber after only two days.

 

Grieve for Me

Lady Zenoka

 

Two years post KOTOR: With a simple letter, she is gone

 

I almost passed this piece by; since I cannot write even remotely descent poetry, I merely started to go on. Yet the ending, the bereft man left with his daughter alone stopped me.

 

Pick of the Week

[machievelli]

Hey Machievelli,

 

Just wanted to let you know that KFM is back up with a new domain name at:

 

http://kotorfanmedia.net/

 

We had problems with our domain name (namely that the moderator that had all of the info about it was long gone and we couldn't get in contact with her). So we've moved the site until it can be resolved. Also, stay tuned as the site will probably be expanding in the near future. If you could help us spread the word about our new home, I'd be grateful.

 

Thanks for all of your hard work and the reviews for our readers. I know it means a lot to them.

 

-Prisoner24601

 

Hey, any idea what happened this time?