Jump to content


The Critic's 2 cents

have I been honest and not overly critical?  

171 members have voted

  1. 1. have I been honest and not overly critical?

Recommended Posts

The Emperor and the Hero (Wuxia Story)



All right, remember that poetical meter depends on what the reader understands. It is hard for the Western mind to read (And understand) the meter of Haiku, and for the Chinese version of poetry even harder.


Telling us one man has a Manchu haircut, and another had a Buddhist one doesn't tell us anything unless we are students of Chinese history and style. As an example, saying a character has a 'duck tail' haircut compared to a 'buzz' cut makes sense to an American because all you have to do is look at an American pair in the 50s, to work out what they mean.


You're still mixing sentences, having someone strike someone else out of sequence 'kicks thrice Huang' for example. Also, having your character announce his mission is not too bright. There was an old radio commercial for the customs office here where the man behind the counter asks if the person has anything to declare, and the person arriving says, jokingly, 'yeah, about two pounds of pot'. The customs agent immediately tells his associates to search every bag.


Remember that a security guard of any type is not supposed to use his sense of humor while on the job. If you ask a Secret Service man entering the White House, 'Where is the President? I'm here to kill him'. You will not be amused by what follows.


While describing the Guandao helps us figure out what it looks like, repeating the name every time he uses it does not unless he has other weapons he might throw into the mix. If I have a sword in my hand, I do not need to say I strike at my opponent with my sword every time unless I use it differently, and even then I do not say thrust with the sword, or slash with the sword. As an example, striking with the pommel instead of the blade is worthy of note, or if I move in close enough to kick or punch him instead does. As an example, I described a technique sometimes used with a sword where you swing it at your opponent, catch the blade with your gloved free hand, and use the pommel to hit him instead.


The ending is lackluster because you hero dies, and the sister commits suicide. Not that it occurs, but why had she not been searched? It would have been better to insert a paragraph where she has the weapon, and is thinking of it as a way to escape if she can just gain the courage to do so. When the guards running toward the fight catch her interest, she finds out that her brother has come to kill the emperor for his duplicity, and she uses this as her way out because she knows the attempt will fail.





Pre KOTOR: Pilots discuss more than the next mission


The piece is a nice slice of life for a couple of pilots we know. The only negatives I have for this are two:


After the arrival of the Jedi at the front, the Mandalorian wars lasted about four more years, and Dxun was supposedly the first battle fought (According to canon) yet you have it ending here only a few days perhaps before Malachor V. Read my last chapter in Genesis of a Jedi, where I used the actual Operation Pestilence (Invasion of Guadalcanal) as an example. While I agree that the island is not a full sized planet, the troop levels used through the SW genre assumes a lot less than you would need for a realistic planetary assault. The Two million Clone army would have fallen into the European theater of WWII without a notice when compared to the 20 odd million troops fighting on all sides.


Second is that in a standard carrier air wing, you place officers of the same rank in a compartment. Two ensigns, two lieutenants, that kind of thing. So having Carth as a lieutenant, but having him share his quarters with a lower ranking officer doesn't really work.


Try Concept

Demiser of D


Set after TFU: Juno must grieve in silence... The war has just begun


Only about a hundred words, the author's explanation is actually longer. I know the feeling this kid is going through, having something else wanting to be written right effing now, so I havd no complaints beyond the fact that it isn't long enough to get a feel for the style.


Reaction time

Marianne Bennet


TSL Post Nar Shaddaa: The Exile must deal with Atton's revelations


The piece is tightly written, the subject matter we all know. While stretched out over several days (Mine was merely a long scene) you can see both of them trying to find out where their relationship will go from here. Since neither my Revan, nor my Exile ended up in a romantic relationship, I can see why the time was necessary.


Pick of the Week


KOTOR Whispers of the Force



Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young Jedi catches his prey, then finds more than he bargained for.


The piece is well written, and except for the scene with the working girls impeding his path, totally believable. The end of chapter one made me want to do what a good story does; it made me want to click the next chapter.


But since the interfering Jedi has a yellow crystal, does this mean they were sent on the same mission?


Pick of the Week



Marianne Bennet


KOTOR On Manaan: A brief moment of reproachment


The piece was an interesting aside. It surprised me, not that the author's work is good, but the subject matter.


What we see here is a warrior who sounds sick of war. Who thinks he's a coward because part of him seems to flinch away. The fact that he's talking to Bastila makes it even more so, because she is the one person who needs to understand why wars are fought in the first place.


Pick of the Week





Clone Wars: Dar and Etain have some time to themselves


The piece does need further edits, but it was well written. Just a pair of lovers taking time away from the war.


Pick of the Week



The Leviathan



Aboard Leviathan AU: A possibility not offered by the game


I liked this a lot because in the game you don't get the option portrayed in this first chapter. My only negative comment is Bastila didn't kill Malak while he was down? If she had, the Sith high command would have been in the midst of as Anakin said 'adverse negotiations' when they arrived.





KOTOR AU: Revan is completely alone.., or is she?


The scene was well done, and like every bad guy, Malak just has to gloat, right?


Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic: Highlights

What contented men desire


KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins


Having someone identify himself as both private and ensign does not make sense. It's like the intro into Police Squad where the main character identifies himself as Sergeant, lieutenant police squad.


Also, a crew member would have remembered the passageways, at least to their works station within a few days, so the idea that this one didn't know them after two weeks is a bit of a stretch.


The piece surprised me because of the deviations from the canon, having him be aboard the ship before Bastila arrives for example. I liked the idea that the old hand immediately draws Trask into drinking though. He honestly had to loosen up. I did think it even more interesting that the first word out of his mouth when he wakes up on Taris is in Mando'a. It wanted me to read more, because this is a what Heinlein would call your 'milk' language (As in learned with your mother's milk) coming through. So our character is Mando'a perhaps?


Six chapters, a pity I didn't have time to read further.


Executioner's Song



KOTOR aboard Star Forge: Candrous has his own duty as he sees it


The piece surprised me a little. The idea that Bastila is Revan's primary weakness is obvious, and Candrous's way of dealing with it perfectly Mando'a. However since it was an execution rather than a brawl, I feel that the Light Side Revan I surmise is not going to be happy afterward.


Pick of the Week


Love and Acceptance



TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: A sparring match leads to more.


The main negative I had of the piece is the 'they are so much better' cant she has. If you 'know' you can't win, the logical move is not to fight, but to withdraw. I did like the sparring match because the internal dialogue fits well with the Echani teachings about who you really are.






Post TSL: What happens then?


The piece is disturbing, because it shows that even our valiant crew would eventually be considered redundant...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • Replies 1.5k
  • Created
  • Last Reply
The ending is lackluster because you hero dies, and the sister commits suicide.


I wanted an ending where Qianlong is punished for his actions. Losing the woman he loves is far more punishing than having her escaping from the Palace, since if she escaped, Qianlong could find a way to bring her back. But Qianlong cannot bring back those who have died. Qianlong is the loser in the end, because even though he managed to kill his enemy, he lost the woman he loved.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Fists of Blood (A Wuxia Novel)



Set in 17th century China: The Manchu invaders find the surviving Han supporters a tough nut to crack.


The phrase is, 'the news is' not the news are. Or by changing news to reports, it would make sense. You call someone immediately, not call immediately someone.


As much as a group of yes men might disagree, the comment made by Mei makes sense. If you look back in history to before the Soviet Union, the Ukraine has always been an unwilling vassal of first the Empire, and then the Union. During WWII, both the Ukraine and Russian Georgia (along with the Cossacks) fielded their own units which fought for the Nazis against the Communists.


In fact in a history of post war Europe, it was mentioned almost casually that the Red Army routinely used the Ukraine for most of their exercises. The same thing NATO did in Germany until the late 80s because according to the surrender agreement signed in 1945, they didn't have to worry as much about civilian complaints.


Also, no invasion that I remember has ever been accepted with open arms by the populace, as much as any propagandist or later history says so. The invaders move in, most of the people try to settle back into their normal lives, but a core of those who wish to resist will still be ready to fight.


But then you have the situation escalate almost out of control. No matter how trusted he might be, Mei is, by definition, a traitor to his people by assisting the present government, and no traitor is ever really trusted, since he might turn on you next. So they would not have allowed him a weapon anywhere near the Commanding General.


The escape might have made sense if you had Mei kill one of the generals with a crossbow before all of the soldiers were sent in. No competent officer is going to have everyone on one side of this bamboo forest, he is going to be assigning men to surround it, and using only the 2000 troops that had been there for the assassination, they could have put at least a cordon around it while calling in more. If he had killed one, the enemy would have withdrawn out of crossbow range, and this would have made it easier to sneak through the cordon. And as slow firing as a crossbow is, having the other general stand like an idiot to die next didn't make sense.


Last, no matter how good a sniper would be, killing the two generals would have not caused a full scale retreat if the officers below them are even remotely competent. Take this as an example:


A regimental combat team is assigned to capture or kill a single guerrilla. Two generals arrive with a company (in the US about a hundred men) and send them into the forest where he is as three more companies arrive. So with the first company, you would have a captain and three or four lieutenants. With the additional you now have the same number of junior officers, and at least one major or colonel. Yet when the sniper hits the Generals with his sniper rifle, all of these officers run away. A single captain or even what they call sarcastically a butter bar Lieutenant holding them together would have gotten promoted rapidly.


By example, on one of Napoleon's campaigns, his army was stopped by a river. The officers were busy discussing how much bridging wood they would need. Napoleon pretty much shouted for someone to figure it out. One of the privates shouted that he could determine it, and Napoleon told him to try.


The man stepped to about six or seven feet from the bank they were on, then tilted his helmet down until it matched the far bank. He then did a right face, shouted at a man he knew to pace out until he was that distance away, and told him to stop. 'That much, sir!'.


The private was made a lieutenant of engineers that very day.


Actually, compared to your usual work, this wasn't too shabby. You only made two obvious mistakes in the first posting except for the performance of your troops in the field. I think part of the problem is you appear to be ESL, (using a translation program) and you are watching Chinese movies with subtitles in your mother tongue. Having dealt with both the Bing and Google translators to read pages in other languages, a lot of what I have been dinging you on could be two different translations; one from Chinese to what you normally speak, the other, to English.


The Empire Strikes Back

Amme Moto


Crossover KOTOR to the Rebellion: Our time traveling heroes are looking for a few good Jedi


Unable to read further than the first chapter, but a lot of what I didn't know from the previous works was here in this one. I thought the concept that she's going to go through a prolonged first stage of pregnancy was fun, and the explanation of why made perfect sense.


One note. If someone who has joined the Force is omniscient, they would also know how it's going to turn out. The two discussions with Obi Wan that Luke had after his death didn't suggest it. Not even Obi Wan knew that as Yoda said, 'there is another'.


The Many Faces of Revan



KOTOR on the Star Forge: A meeting of a very unique sort.


All of us have at one time or another read of alternate dimensions, and having one possible Jedi power be being able to reach across and pull your counterpart into your world has an interesting flavor to it. Here we have two, the one with that capability, and another who is excellent at organizing doing so from a multitude of universes is intriguing.


Since every decision made before you were even born could logically create such a parallel, the idea that you have both sexes, dark and light, even different skin and hair tones works, and having them gather because all of these have one critical decision in common, working together also makes sense. Well worth the read.


Best of the Week


Sith battle for the Exile's Heart

The Unlife King Alucard


Post TSL: A battle for his affections


The build up to the battle was the most interesting. Both the Handmaiden and Visas vie for this, and there is enough commentary that we know that if Mira had survived, it would have been a three way contest.


The author gives us both options, having one win and gain it, though how the loser dies is different.


Nobody Knew

Shadows Of The Storm


TSL, no specific portion given: A descent into suicidal madness


The piece is chilling in it's portrayal. Losing the Force, getting it back and discovering the Galaxy depends on her is too much for the Exile. Her friends keep her from escaping it. But I am reminded of a simple truth; that if someone honestly wants to die, you can't really stop it.


All You've Ever Been



Five years after TFU1: Juno Eclipse still deals with her loss


The biggest problem in life is that someone you love can die first. Here we have Juno dealing with the loss of Galen, and to her mind, the worst part is that she didn't see him die. An author once said that unless you see someone die, they are still there somewhere, and one day you'll turn the corner and see them yet again. The ending links to TFU II when Juno's voice asks 'will I ever see you again?'. Because in her mind, he is not dead.


KotOR: Repercussions of Evil

The Fire Lily


KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Revan as re assumed the mantle of Dark Lord


The piece is confusing, and the author admits that the writing is bad. But it was an interesting read


Restroom Rendezvous



KOTOR before Korriban: When Bastila interrupts Revan in the shower, she had not anticipated what followed


A brief but very fun read. The idea that Bastila makes the first move, yet runs away from it makes sense, just like her returning because she can no longer deny her feelings. The double entendre of the last conversation was fun from both sides.


Pick of the Week


Star Wars Republic Commando: Beta Squad



Clone Wars on Geonosis: A team has a mission


The biggest problem is that what we see is a game being played. There are several problems with that to a reader.


First, you don't have a first battle of Geonosis without having a second battle. In an old story about a character named Encylopedia Jones, the main character proves a sword supposedly given to Stonewall Jackson is a fake because it was engraved with 'first battle of Bull Run' and had been given (Supposedly) a week or so later. However the battle was called Manassas, not Bull Run by the Confederates, and there was no way they could have anticipated that there would be a Second battle a year later.


While having constant contact with you command sounds good, you can't depend on it in real life, and having command drop in what you need every time (As H Beam Piper said in a story) an officer prays into his radio, Also there is what is called the 'fog of war'. All reports of enemy troops and movements are estimates, not exact. Last, until you have actually examined a bunker system created by an enemy, you would not have detailed blueprints to use. So having them enter a bunker, and having 'command' know exactly where you have to go is not logical.





Pre Mandalorian Wars: Brief snippets of her early life.


The only real negative I have is the idea that the young soon to be apprentices are allowed to pretty much run unchecked. To quote from an old song by Cat Stevens, 'from the moment I could talk, I was ordered to listen' says it all. Any religious order will take a new novice and as soon as they can understand, mold them in the pattern they want. A child below the age of three might get away with this, but an age of three wouldn't be allowed to run away into the library, would they?


Light in the Dark

Lord Trayus


TSL After Dantooine: Atton comforts the distraught Exile


Remember to sight edit. You are using incorrect wording, and it makes it hard for the reader to follow. Even the best writer needs to remember this, so don't think I am dinging you unnecessarily. I was looking at my own Return From Exile from this site, and noticed that the posted work needed tweaking.


Oddly enough, thanks to my antipathy toward Mical, I have never played a female character without the 'get Handmaiden' mod, so here is the second time where I see the aftermath of a Handmaiden attack on the ship. I also know (From that other work where the author mentioned Atton just flies) that Mical is the one in the scene instead of Atton. In my own, thanks to the mod, you get Visas.


The Opening Salvo of the Mandalorian Wars

Darth Garek


Start of the Mandalorian Wars: The first battle when the Mandalorians invest Onderon tries their mettle


Remember to sight edit. There were words used that were confusing, and any confusion for the reader causes them to slow down. If it gets too bad, they stop reading.


A first negative, a wasteland is something where nothing lives. Onderon is more a jungle environment, where a lot of things live.


Wingmen: A wingman relationship, whether infantry or fighter pilots is special, and except for one situation, is never two brand new troopers. Usually, a new man is assigned to an experienced one. This give him a chance to survive long enough to become experienced. The one situation when you would throw two newbies together is an emergency.


The battle was relatively well laid out, except for the 'our bullets kill you, but yours have little effect' of the last push. The confusion on one side, and the determination on the other is also well done.


Training Session



Post TSL on Dantooine: It's not all work


The author's comments on what the scene was based on warned me, so I'm not going to shout that it was derivative. The piece is well laid out, the entire fight well done, and the end choice.


Oh, and I agree, to hell with canon at least this once; let them have their happy ending and fun.


Pick of the Week

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Sorry for the delay. Computer problems, Wi Fi problems, you name it.



Coruscant Entertainment Center


Star Wars: The Road not Taken

Chevron 7 Locke


Star Wars set I believe in TOR: A Jedi examining an unknown artifact has some.. problems.


The author is very good, and when I see the name I am always pleased. The piece has some things that made it very interesting. The artifact is merely an unknown but the Jedi are just assuming it's Sith made because they have no record of making it.


The activation of it reminds me of the old movie My Science Project where an accidental link to human tech (A flashlight brought too close to it) causes it to begin first drawing, then seeking out further electricity until it activates.


But before this device fully activates, you have something whispering, and one of the phrases was 'a road less traveled, which made me think of the Robert Frost Poem (The Road not Taken) and the Harry Turtledove story The Road Less Traveled. Both works looking at.


I agree with the one reviewer of this piece. When will we see more, Chev?


Pick of the Week




Miserly Reborn



Mandalorian Wars on Malachor V: Darth Nihilus is born


The piece is a bit confusing. Is the dark figure what he is to become? Or is this merely his first victim? Didn't have enough time to read further, but maybe the second short chapter will answer that.





KOTOR after the Leviathan Revelation: Is her love for Carth really worth the pain?


The piece is well wrought. I had my own Revan going through this before their arrival at Korriban, and in mine, she fought this battle completely in her head. Here we have problems mainly because she herself doesn't know if who she once was will reemerge, and her snapping at Carth is because she is frustrated. And while Canderous' comment is meant well, it doesn't really help her.


Pick of the Week


Every Word



Has to be Post KOTOR...: All right, now how do you fix this?


I'm not sure how many who read this are underage, but I will tell you something that isn't a secret, when people get drunk, to say it politely, 'excrement occurs'. What might seem like a very funny joke can backfire big time, and the two who were caught in it are two of the best on the ship, because you honestly can't seem them together. The problem, as it is here, is to get them past what has happened without making it an even bigger mess.


Pick of the Week






Post TSL: After losing her Father, the daughter of the Exile and Atton faces other problems.


The piece is nicely written, and I wished I could read further. My main questions are, did Mira just go back to her old job? And who is the father of Shen?


Kotor the bodyguard



Post KOTOR: A man assigned to find Revan if he went missing is now in hot pursuit


The biggest negative is that you give his resume or parts of it, three times. You yourself corrected a similar problem later about his gloves. It's a tendency that continues, since you can modify a weapon, but don't need to go over exactly how, or how you gain access beyond 'find a spot where they won't notice from either side'.


You're also doing, what in movie or theater is called 'breaking the fourth wall'. This is when you make comments as an aside to the audience, such as Ferris Bueller talking to the audience to explain his foibles. When done right, it is an amusing trick, but if done incorrectly, it tends to distract the reader, since there is no fourth wall.


I used an analogy in a Religious debate about the 'Holy' Trinity, because most assume that they are co-equal, but I pointed out that if a Character in a fictional account makes the same basic comment Jesus did at one point, pointing to the Sky and saying 'The Author is Greater than I', it would just be confusing.


There are also problems with continuity. You have people trapped by him in the hanger, and only then mention that he had hacked in and has the security droids running interference. Also, whether assassin or bounty hunter, the collateral damage of the guards would be incidental to him. You're having him do something quite stupid (Shooting the two guards instead of killing them quietly and hiding the bodies) then calling on them to surrender rather than merely shooting all of them, or bypassing them.


I would suggest that you watch the episode 'The True Noir' from the series Noir. In that episode, the two assassins that make up Noir are hired to kill a man, but someone warns him and they end up in a running gun battle. At no time does anyone on either side call for a surrender; the pair will die if they do, and the suborned police have their orders. In a gangland situation, you would have the same problem. This is not the police raiding them, it's a bounty hunter, and the rules used by law enforcement do not apply.


I tend to ding people on things that are common in the games like stealth generators and personal shields for a simple reason; if such things did exist previously, they would have shown up in the movies as well. Since most of the creators of Sci Fi RPGs started with games like Dungeons and Dragons, they automatically add things from that game, superior armor, stealth, super weapons etc, this is a constant problem for me.


The basics are good, and you know you need to work on grammar, so there is not a whole lot of negatives beyond what I mentioned.


Star Wars: Bravo Company

Soul Reaper 2.0


One month after Geonosis: A Clone unit gets a new Jedi advisor


Technical note, military protocol: While all of the clones no doubt trained together, you will note that they are punctilious about the chain of command. So having a pair of grunts challenging a corporal about his authority doesn't make sense. In a real unit today, it will cause said non-com ripping a strip off you.


Technical note, reputation: As much as a unit has it's own esprit de corps, it isn't going to be common knowledge less than a month into a war without very special circumstances. As an example, in the Troy Rising Series by John Ringo, you have one as yet unnamed pilot pull off a daring feat of flying to get her ship into cover when an enemy force arrives. So yeah, she's going to earn a rep.


It isn't until the second book, Citadel, where she gets a name, and her action is repeated now from the other side, her doing what had to be done in a dangerous situation, and earning the call sign Comet from it.


Technical note, choke point: There should be some expansion on how this one demolition expert has succeeded in forcing the enemy to use the one place where you can trap a larger force.


The piece is relatively well written, and my primary complaint after that intro is why it wasn't continued.


Help Me

Cally Starkiller


Pre-KOTOR: With Revan captured, they now have to create the new person


The conversation about how they were going to disguise her reminded me of a sarcastic comment about Opera, where somone wearing the exact same costume from the previous scene suddenly becomes unknown because they are wearing a mask. You don't even have to give her a haircut because she spent all of that time in armor.


But having Bastila act with revulsion when she looks at Revan is a problem. If someone is always nervous or repulsed around you, it suggests problems between you, and Revan would recognize that.


The main problem is it was far too short.


Revan's Legacy

Jedi Revan8645


KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: The last battle, and what follows


Remember to sight edit. You have a phrase 'I am be on your jests' that made absolutely no sense. The entire work was riddled with places where the reader had to puzzle out what you meant, or go back and reread.


As I have told a lot of people over the years, a story is like a river. Most of the time you're just floating along on your raft watching the scenery, with occasional white water and rapids. But if it's all rapids, the reader loses interest. Those who go running the rapids still have the gentle area where they board their boats. And where they get off.





Post KOTOR: Revan leaves, and Carth must decide to find her


If you're talking about the character, you should tell us who he is. I knew what the story was about but saying captain or the captain didn't make it clear until he grabs his jacket.


Also, while recruits are looked down on, they are not considered contemptible. The man seeing them, whether a senior enlisted man or officer, was once where they were. The contempt would for their 'oh I'm going to become famous' attitude. As the author of the book the Big Red One said, surviving a war is what is important.


Technical Note, Military ranks: Unless the ship is huge (And nothing existing on Earth qualifies) it is commanded by a captain. Even the ranks in foreign most foreign navies the ranks denote the class of the ship, or ranking in their system, such as Korvetten-Kapitain in German or Kapitan pervogo ranga (Captain First Class) in the Russian Navy.


When it comes to larger combatants, such as the battlecruisers and battleships of the Second World War, you would have a squadron or division (Two ships) with an admiral aboard, but the ship itself is still commanded by a Captain. The Admirals command the entire unit, whether his two ships or his eight in a squadron. This goes for every navy on the planet.


By huge, I mean something too big to land on a planet, or when it has a lot of different commands assigned to it, such as the ships of David Weber's Dahak Series, where they are thousands of kilometers across, and full crews of hundreds of thousands. Even then though, the actual commanding officer of the ship is only designated a Fleet Captain rather than Admiral.


In the SW universe you have this happening, even if some of these are still rather small in comparison. A Super Star Destroyer in TESB (Crew supposed to be 140,000 according to the RPG) was still commanded by a Captain, even though Vader was in charge. So it would be logical to say Grand Moff Tarkin commanding the Death Star (Crew of over a Million but only about 170 km across) is an admiral. But an admiral is only a passenger on a ship, and is supposed to route all orders through the Commanding officer, or the Captain.


Technical Note, Escaping in a fighter: Remember that this is 4,000 years before Yavin, and as much as twenty odd years earlier during the Clone Wars, fighters were still using hyper-rings rather than interior hyperdrives. In a fighter she can get somewhere else in a star system, but not in seconds.


You ended on an odd note. As I mentioned above, Revan could not have gone too far, and even if you assume a super secret hyper drive for the fighter, hasn't been gone that long. So tracking her, and working out where she might be going is relatively simple. But you have him running off to Dantooine without further explanation.


How To Save A Life



Post TFU: Juno returns to Galen's old home


The piece like a lot of those written before TFU II came out is both sad and poignant. All she has is memories.


Why Mira Does The Shopping for the Ebon Hawk



TSL: Companion piece to Why Bastila Does the Shopping for the Ebon Hawk


This is the second 'list-fic' by the authors, and was really amusing because all of the comments fit the characters very well. The last comment, about the gumbo she makes reminds me of my own Mando'a dish, Merdai stew. The description is 'it's what you can find, and what you can catch'. But as much as she thinks Manda'lor isn't looking down her shirt...


Imperfect Destiny

Darth Yuthura


5 years post TSL: A gladiator finds he has another reason to live.


The byplay between Genda the gladiator, and Tashi, the slave mistress given to him is interesting because it brings out the one thing people forget about slavery; If you have been raised your entire life as a slave, you really have nothing to compare your present life to.


Part of the reason a number of the freed slaves after the War Between the States stayed in the south was not because they wanted to, but because they didn't understand they actually had a choice in what to do from that point on, and the attitudes of their neighbors who now had to compete with them for jobs didn't help.


Genda was born free, and he is actually worse because he sees no end to this life, and the very idea of having a choice is incomprehensible to Tashi. When she decides for once to do what she wants, rather than what he wants, it confuses him, even if it is what he has been trying to get her to do all this time.


The actual fight scene was well done, and in a way reminded me of the original novelette The Sand Kings, because the idiot who bought the original creatures got bored and began having them face harder and harder enemies. You know that unlike the Sand Kings, he's alone, so eventually they are going to pit him against something too tough to beat.


Pick of the Week

Link to comment
Share on other sites

A Datapad in the Unknown Regions

Michiko Mokuyaba


Text written 15 months after KOTOR: A last message from Revan to the Exile


Remember to sight edit, as there are a lot of times where you used the wrong words. Don't take that as a complete negative. If you have read my own postings, I sometime make the same mistake in haste.


One thing bothered me. You call the Exile by name, yet address it to Exile. That didn't make a whole lot of sense to me.


The piece is a bit disjointed, but that is because the person dictating it is also a bit disjointed by their own admission. The comment to not choose an order to follow fits well with my own comment in Genesis of a Jedi; 'there is no dark, there is no light, there is only the Force'.


Beyond my comment above, well done


Dreams, Death, and Hope



After General Order 66: Is it the start of sorrow? Or of happiness?


The only negative I have for the piece is them saving the two moth old fetus for her to see. She didn't need to see this to know the child had been stillborn, though it did set up the idea of what followed.


An Audience With the Shadow Queen

4th of Eleven


Pre APM: Palpatine seeks advice from the dead. But doesn't get what he wanted...


The primary negative I have is why is there A; a holocron on Lehon, B; how someone who during KOTOR itself would merely be someone who had been assumed dead listed and most important, C; that has a listing of where she died five years or more later?


Her advice is cogent. Displaying your power as a Sith in the Galaxy right before his rise to power is like the old joke about the nail and the hammer. By concealing himself even as he learns more, he is able to achieve Darth Bane's vision of a Sith ruler ship, and by going for political power instead of simply trying to take on the galaxy alone, he can achieve it. After all, Hitler was elected to his position.


The Gathering Storm



Pre Mandalorian Wars: Revan has a new assignment, and discovers a deeper mystery


The piece has an interesting dark feel to it. Revan comes across almost as a Sith before he actually reveals his face to the equerry, then as an impish boy by suggesting she stuffed her bra. There is not a lot beyond the treatment of the last Jedi's native guide, and the basic situation, but it looks worth reading further. With 16 chapters, that is a lot further.


In Practice



Post KOTOR: Memories begin to drive a wedge between Carth and Revan


The story is very well done, and the way the memories are returning is perfect. It isn't a linear progression, but memories surfacing as something outside triggers them. In real life medical science, this is closer than the 'denouement' type you see on television or a movie. The memories are sometimes happy, sometimes terrifying. But the harder ones begin to strain the relationship.


Pick of the Week


Hell of Your Own Creation



TSL Post 2nd Telos: Nihilus discovers that death is only the beginning of his torment


While well wrought, I did not enjoy the piece. I have never accepted an eternal tormenting hell unless like the Taoists, it is one you chose for yourself by your actions. Though if you are into that kind of thing, it is a great story.





During the Clone Wars: A little barracks downtime for our favorite Clone team


The one thing I have always loved about most of the authors here, is that even with a dozen clones sitting around a table, no two are alike beyond the obvious. This is no exception. Just take the average barracks scene from any war movie. The one reading porn, another reading a technical journal, the focused killer merely on down time, and the one who melds them together.


Pick of the Week





TSL, no specific location given: When it's to make her happy, he is willing to help his competitor


One thing I like when I am reading is when the author surprises me. You're sitting there with the 'been there done that' attitude, and something comes right out of right field to smack you. This one did that to me, helping to save a life, but it isn't until the end that you find out who is saved.


Pick of the week


Knights of the Old Republic II The Sith Lord



TSL on Peragus: The saga begins


Remember to sight edit, you used surpassed when you meant the passage of time for example


Basically a retelling of the story starting with T3 repairing the Ebon Hawk. I wonder why you had the plasma torch imbedded in Kreia, suggesting a wound, but have her sit up immediately as if there is no damage.


An Apprentice in Hand

Frank Hunter


TFU On assignment: Galen meets someone you wouldn't anticipate...


Remember to sight edit. Some sections were a bit cumbersome, but that is what sight editing is for.


This author, as one previously, surprised me with the identity of Starkiller's opponent. I'm sitting here saying 'how does she know PROXY is used by Vader' among other things. But it does explain how the Emperor would discover his existence.


Best of the week


Star's Eclipse



Midpoint of TFU: Galen is saved by Vader, but why?


The piece is interesting to me because I have never played the game. My laptop doesn't have the memory or graphics needed. I know enough about the basic story to follow it as I read them, and this is what you might call the high point of the story, doing something right because he wants to.


The author obviously got enough people saying 'Yes!' to continue it, 12 chapters long so far.


What is Right



TSL after 2nd Telos: Dealing with the aftermath


The piece is a little slice of life with the Exile speaking to Atris after the battle. Atris comes across as you would expect, a shattered woman unwilling to admit yet that there is a life ahead of her. She is still obsessed with the fact that she had fallen, unwilling to make the effort to climb out of the hole she had created.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lung Chang I - Feast on the Snowy Mountain (Wuxia)



You tear clothing, but once it has been done, it's torn. It is What man, not which man when speaking of Chang's reaction.


Once you have described a scene, you do not need to repeat it, only elaborate on it. Depth of snow, where rocks bushes or trees stick up out of it, that kind of thing. You are still using phrases incorrectly, though only two, both when Chang strikes his opponent.


The piece is rather good except for what I mentioned above. After seeing the portrayal of the character, his manners, his polite mien, I myself wondered if he was guilty. Though fiction is replete with urbane villains. Having him suggest that they sit and sup before trying to kill each other is the height of polite behavior, though having them slug down entire jars of wine is a bit much.


Sartorial Eloquence

Jen DeClan


TSL, sort of, with a crossover to Mass Effect: The Exile has to escape from Peragus, but does he really have to take those dweebs with him?


You are warned the piece is a parody, so expect to giggle a bit as you read it. It starts with him whining about having ratty clothes and red tennis shoes, segues to Kreia's comments with the 'dinging' sound of announcements in malls, to Atton doing his job better when he's drunk than sober, and the list of sometimes ridiculous puns, japes and jokes just roll on.


I loved the RPG bag, which is explained like the storage section of the HUD, and having him have 'tickle droid' instead of full up stun droid. Also the 'make droid' almost sex scene was funny too. The author admits that portions of the canon game were avoided because of personal pique, and I applaud it.


25 chapters long. I only had time for one, but I wanted more!


Pick of the Week





Pre TSL: Jaq Rand as a contract killer gets an interesting contract.


The start was amusing, and the primary problem I had with it was it was a bit too short.


Star Wars: Trials



Set two and a half years Post SWTOR: Is the power worth the price?


Remember to sight edit. You have some cumbersome wording, and tend sometimes to forget conversation breaks. Always remember, part of the 'job' of writing is to make the work easier on the reader. If they have to back track, or puzzle out what you mean, it is less enjoyable.


For some reason you use both Aquora and Aerrow, with no provenance for the second name. It is as if there are two people there, or perhaps it is his family name. But without knowing, it is merely confusing. As an example, if you have a character named John Doe, you would refer to him sometimes as John, and at other times as Doe, and the reader can still flow past it without questions.


The Handmaiden



TSL on Telos: The Handmaiden speaks out for the travelers they hold


The work needs sight editing, but that was minor. The biggest stumbling block I had was having her sisters call her by her title in the game. You gave one, the closest to her in age a name, but didn't have them use her given name at any point. Even in a military unit, when you are all of a close rank, the only time you would use the rank instead of their name is in a purely military situation. As an example, when Audie Murphy was still a non com, his men called him Audie more often than they called him Sergeant.


The argument she give is cogent. They are Atris' handmaidens, not her protector. As she said at the end of chapter two, their job was not to protect Atris, but to protect the Galaxy from the Jedi.


Rise of the Leviathan



Pre KOTOR: Bastila faces her greatest challenge


Remember to sight edit. As an example, it should be neither the Republic, nor the Jedi. The primary reason I almost always hit this as an example of a writing error is because it is so common; you're visualizing and recording the events, and you slip up on wording or grammar (Such as waist instead of waste earlier) and don't go back to correct those errors. I do it so often myself that I sometimes go back and still don't see my own error.


That is why some professional writers (Unless pressed for a deadline) tend to set aside a work for as much as a year before doing the edit; you might not see the inconsistencies.


The main negative I have with the work is that you jump from live action to flashbacks without a mention that it is happening. It caused confusion as I read. I would suggest using say italics or at least a break to tell the reader something is happening. A minor point, but a reader can become confused.


Technical note, Inertia: You call them inertia cancelers, though most call them inertial dampeners, but you can't really have a ship traveling for any real distance without them. Oh I know we don't have the technology yet, but for real long distance space travel, you need both artificial gravity, and something to limit or remove inertial effects. Before you point at the moon landings as 'long distance', remember that Mars at it's closest is about 40 million miles away and we haven't gotten there yet.


As much as both Star Wars and Star Trek have ships close enough for visual identification, it is to make it easier for the audience. In reality, they are hundreds and sometimes thousands of kilometers apart. So that 'knife fighting range' scene from ROTJ would never happen in reality. Assuming a small amount of logical separation, say the difference from surface to low orbit (100 kilometers or less) you would need minutes for your ship to arrive without some form of inertial protection. And anything that slow is a dead easy target even with modern military sensors and weapons.


Modern space travel avoids this problem by limiting the duration of the thrust burn, keeping it within what the average human body can take for a limited time, which is why it took several days for the Apollo missions to reach the moon, and why a flight to our next closest neighbor, Mars, is going to take several months. The human body is designed to work in a one G environment, and taking more for extended periods causes a lot of stress. The highest thrust speed we assume we will deal with on that last mentioned mission would be about 4Gs for about twenty minutes, and believe me, having four people your own size and weight sitting on you for that long can be lethal.


As an example, a modern fighter pilot with a G suit that limits the effects of Inertia routinely pull up to 7 Gs in practice, and as much as 15 or more in combat. The lift off of a space shuttle takes several minutes, and routinely does not exceed 3 Gs. If you use just one scene, the escape from Mos Eisely by the Millennium Falcon, she went from rest (after lifting off) to escape velocity (11.2km/s, try 40,000+ kph, or around 25,000 mph) in about two minutes. If you work it out, that is about 500Gs. Without an inertial dampener, at that speed you are reduced to a thin paste on the nearest wall.


The battle scenes were well done, all of the confusion and purposeful movement highlighted well. I especially enjoyed the scenes where she is immersed in battle mediation and can see what is happening. The idea of the Halo, an electronic training device was well done, though I did wonder how long the Jedi had even known of the ability. Perhaps they had found some had it and tried to bring it out? The suggestion that others had been trained by picking fights with small contingents of an enemy made sense, though it could be rough on both men and ships.


Pick of the Week


An aside; When I found the story below, I went to the profile to copy the name so it would be correctly spelled. There I found the story above, which I missed somehow. So I am doing both reviews in this column together.


The Force is a Burden



KOTOR beginning with the Leviathan Revelation: What could cause Bastila to willingly embrace the Dark Side?


Compared to most 'Bastila falls' stories, this is unique. We know she can control battle mediation, but the author comes up with a unique form of where it began, as a Dark Side ability. The idea of a government using something they themselves consider reprehensible is age old. The British used it when they adopted the Welsh Longbow so that their troops would be equal to another enemy.


Also, like Terry Prachett's wizards, the Jedi training is to limit your usage of the Force, something the stories harp on constantly.


To discover that your capability to use what is by definition a Dark Side power is bad enough, but then to be tormented on top of that is the choice bit. Wonderful work!


Pick of the Week





Post ANH on Yavin: New hopefuls arrive. But there is danger...


Basically a retelling of the intro to the JA game, but the internal monologue is well done.


Come On Join the Darkside



KOTOR on Lehon: The real reason why Bastila went to the darkside


It was a bit amusing, especially the fact that he tormented her using Barnie! In an old story of my own, I had a modern day member of what could be called Men In Black using old Bonzo movies in the same manner.





Post TSL: One of the characters reacts badly to TOR


The piece is funny because I for one agreed with Nihilus. What's this 300 year gap crap?


First Flight



Pre KOTOR: A family tradition


This is one of those poignant father and son moments that are meant to be remembered, and as Carth shows, shared again in your own time. The shared 'we went fishing' story was a cute touch.


With another coming along



Pre KOTOR: An unexpected crewman aboard the Endar Spire


It looks like an interesting idea. The only real negative is this; My first name is Nick. When I talk about myself, I don't call myself the Critic, or considering my present job, the picketer. So why is the Exile calling himself Exile, and creating Exile rules? I know Benedict Arnold did not go through the rest of his life saying, 'hi, I'm the best known American Traitor'.





KOTOR from the Beginning: Redemption begins somewhere


The piece made me actually sit back and think of when I wrote my own KOTOR novel back in 2005. The biggest stumbling block I had with the game originally was that the memories are so vague, and the facts Carth knows about the person are obviously a sanitized copy. It isn't until Bastila begins interrogating you on Dantooine that you 'suddenly' have memories.


The author's way of creating that persona fits very well into what you might anticipate. Creating a new persona would be difficult unless you could create 'plug and play' memory modules to slip into them because you would not know exactly what caused them to become who they are now. In fact in a way that is what they started to do, but discovered that their 'vanilla' soldier wouldn't fit with someone who is unique in other ways.


Like a lot of work here, I wanted to keep reading. This is like having a waitress allow you a single sample bite of a cheesecake, but not let you have a slice.


Best of the Week

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Lung Chang II - Red Feathered Golden Needles (Wuxia)



Continuation of Lung Chang I:


While masquerade suggests a disguise, it is not the correct word. Disguise would have been better.


It is points his sword again, and hits with immense strength the arrogant man's chest should be hits the arrogant man's chest with immense strength, and he punched his fist on her face, breaking her nose should be he punched his fist into her face, breaking her nose.


Again, you have someone forcing the issue before a conflict is needed. If you approach someone with a sword in your hand, you have already escalated the conflict just by your presence.


Technical note, setting a date: European dating as in Years since Christ was born, and the months used are European only. The Aztecs had their own calendar, as do the Arabs and the Oriental nations, so using a date that does not yet exist in their world doesn't make sense. If you are going to set this in China, find out the dating system used in their nation at the time.


As an example, in the Bible book of Luke, the author sets the year by saying the fifteenth year of Tiberius, then further clarifies by saying who was prefect of Palestine, king, high priest etc. For those who lived before the AD (Now called CE) era, it is as clear as saying 'year of our lord'.


Technical note, Finding evidence: Having your main character ask for the one thing that can prove his innocence makes no sense. The primary reason the scene in Star Trek: The Voyage Home where Chekov is standing on a street corner asking about 'Nuclear Wessels' is so funny is that in a real life situation having someone with a foreign accent asking about what is primarily a government secret would have security agents all over them in minutes.


The problem I see is everything that points to Lung being the criminal is circumstantial. Only an idiot or a lunatic would be painting his name on the walls saying 'I did it', and unlike written European characters, written Chinese or Japanese is not conducive to handwriting analysis. By this definition, Kilroy was really there in all of those Japanese caves during WWII.



When I found the Rebirth of the Legion below, I went to the profile to copy the name rather than typing it. Then, like last week, I discovered there was a previous story I had not reviewed, therefore...


The True Exile

Tiberius Kane Moriarty


Rewrite of a previous story about Malachor V: It begins at Malachor...


Remember to sight edit. From the first the piece was a hard slog to read. Remember that every book you have ever enjoyed flowed, the author leading from place to place so you didn't have to stop, get out a map, and figure the way.


Technical note, assembly required?: You have half a dozen men landing and then assembling the MSG on the ground, inside an enemy fortress? While there is no mention of how big the device is, the odds that something so devastating would be man transportable is unlikely.


Remember the original MSG deployed in the game was a prototype. As Heinlein pointed out in one of his stories, technology goes through three stages; simple and inefficient, complex and inefficient, simple and efficient. The original A bomb weighed over five tons, the first H bomb tested weighed 82 tons. The reason I mentioned that is a modern tactical nuke (Half the yield of the original Hiroshima bomb can be less that 30 pounds, and a modern MIRV with a tenth of the yield of that H bomb weighs less than a hundred.


Technical note, Stealth: I ding constantly on stealth generators and personal shields because of one important fact; you don't see the technology in the original movies set 4,000 years later, except for the hand carried energy shields of the Gungans. Even more important, once you know such a device or ability exists, you can spot them. Look at the Predator Movies. The alien is using pretty much what a stealth generator would do. If you know it exists, you are going to be looking for the effects.


The basic idea is good, but a lot of it made no sense. As I was dinged once Revan is supposed to be a tactical and strategic genius. A simple scouting party of ships would not slow her down unless the person in charge of that unit is A: also a genius, and B; survives to be the last ship destroyed.


Then you have her pretty much a dark side entity using her authority to get her way, even when her subordinate knows it is wrong. You have ignored the fact that a senior officer showing signs of stress or insanity can be relieved of command. It merely takes an officer willing to give that order. Remember in the first of the modern Star Trek movies they used that to remove Spock from command.


Rebirth of the Legion

Tiberius Kane Moriarty


Post TSL return to Malachor V: The Exile fights his final battle.


The same problems mentioned above with the writing itself.


Technical note, New Weapons: You have the Sith using almost half a dozen weapons never mentioned before, and while it sounds exciting, it runs right into the fact that something does not come from nothing. The Rift cannon makes sense as a version of the MSG that can be fired rather than physically deployed, but except for the EMP cannon, none of the others made sense from the tactical view. What I mean is, no matter how secret the testing and design phase, no weapon has ever been a complete secret. Also, there has never been any single ship ever designed that can take on a fleet of thousands by itself.


As an example, history shows that every one of the main combatants in WWII had people who were later instrumental in developing the first A bombs. Just look at the names of refugees from Germany, Russia and Italy on the Manhattan Project. It was the rumors that the US was developing some kind of weapon with a lot of physicists that caused the Germans to dust off their own A bomb project when they began full scale production of heavy water (Deuterium) in Norway in 1942.


Stop Camping You Noob!



TSL aboard Ravager: Those video games can be addictive...


Remember conversation breaks.


That being said, I knew what was going to happen, but it was funny anyway. I liked the Idea that poor Visas has to play the significant other (which in this context includes anyone who is trying to get you off your butt and out of the game) until she gets hooked.


I just wish I owned that Pizza franchise. Think of the delivery charges!


Pick of the Week


When He Saw Her



KOTOR vignettes: How he felt a step at a time.


Remember to sight edit. For example you used how couldn't she have, when you meant how could she have not. Remember, part of our job as writers is to make the story flow for our readers, a problem you do not have except for some minor slips.


The scenes chosen were both logical and thought provoking. A person is, as Carth attempted, pigeonholed by most of us. They belong in this box, and every time they do something that doesn't match your preconceived notion, you merely move them to another.


Carth does what we all do, until the end. At that point, of course, Revan is firmly in the 'lover' box finally.


Pick of the Week


Happy Valentines Day



TSL aboard Ravager: The title says it all.


The author has a take on Nihilus revealed through previous works that is unique. Here we have the Dark Lord as not only the lover, but as someone who cheers up his crew.


The only real negative is the violation of the 'a long time ago in a galaxy far, far away' canon rule.


Across the Stars

Misty 82


KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: There has to be a rational explanation, right?


I tend to play both games as a female character, and with the mods so that you could have theoretically have had a distaff kiss. Though I also had my Revan consider Bastila a friend and only at the end a woman to become married to. Maybe I should try it again and see what happens...


Star Wars Darkness



TFU Aboard the Death Star: His last word were anticipated...


I was reminded of the intro to Terry Pratchett's Guards, Guards! Where he comments that it was dedicated to the guards in the town where a Sword and Sorcery character is attacked and slaughters them.


Basically a retelling of the original trailer for TFU II, the primary difference with the piece is that the Stormtrooper is not the stereotypical Myrmidon. He's considering that someone else is supposed to carry out this execution, and the fact that it appeared to be arranging his escape instead.


A Kinection to the Force



A year after General Order 66: It's not me, it's the game system!


The piece was fun because you have the hero pretty much ho-humming himself through the game until the end. I felt the same way (PC not Kinect) during KOTOR because unless you run away, all you really do is stand there and trade blows without moving much at all, a phenomenon I have noticed in a lot of other games as well, whether it's people or ships.





TSL: He always calls her princess


An interesting way to look at the pet name some give you. Originally as a joke, then as time goes on, as something that means as much to the one saying it as it does to the one addressed.


Eliatra Sabre: A Jedi's Journey

Eliatra Sabre


Approximately ten years pre KOTOR:


Question, what kind of scanner? In the future, Palpatine had a mechanical system created to detect possible force sensitives, but there was only one brief mention.


The piece is a nice slice of life for a group of children. My main curiosity is how these three fit into the coming problems.


Nicely done, and well worth the read with 26 more chapters to go.





KOTOR crew vignettes: How the crew deals with the problems they do have


Like usual, a story literally wants me to read further, and this is one of them. Thanks to the game mechanics you don't have a lot of time spent in situations where the characters are sleeping or otherwise occupied. So on the ship drawings you don't have bathrooms, showers, kitchens, etc, because people don't think of them unless they are logical,or as your critic is, sarcastic. I created a dungeon long ago, back when D&D was THE role playing game where I put a series of toilets scattered through it that led to a room you could fall into just to be a bit disgusting.


The author decided in this chapter to lean heavily of Carth's trust issues, Carth going to bed in armor, and in the bed that would assure she can't leave without his noticing, making their first night a serious pain in whatever part their armor will pinch.


Let's face it, if Carth had been this paranoid in real life, I would have fragged him after about a week.


Nineteen chapters, I might have to come back to this one...


Best of the Week


My Love Story



During the Clone Wars: A girl finds the man for her...


An interesting take, especially in the subject matter. As Yoda said in one of the Clone Wars first season episodes, you all look alike, but you are different people.


Most of the clone stories I have read here so far either concentrate on a specific unit, or throw us into a situation where we're dealing with a new group and everyone is still interchangeable. It's nice to see one where one of the men is suddenly more attractive for something beyond his looks.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Lung Chang III - The Four Devils of Shandong (Wuxia)



Continuation of Lung Chang II: Just an average day, but the secret is slowly revealed


You're starting to use incorrect words and not finishing sentences. Avoid redundancy. If you have peach blossoms, it's a peach tree, so calling them peach blossom trees is redundant.


Question; why do you have the main character be almost over polite with the men he has faced, yet the first time we see him fighting a woman, he insults her?


You had two fights that really were unnecessary. The Mongol in the bar, and the Four Devils. A battle is supposed to advance the story, and the only way the second battle did was by having him face Wu Lan again.


Also, remember that life is not an RPG. You cannot merely 'steal' vitality points, no more than you can direct your energy like a Force push.


At last we find out some of the plot behind the story.


Lung Chang IV - Meeting of the Orthodox Sects on Mt. Kunlun



Continuation of Lung Chang III: The meeting takes place, with daggers in the dark


You're interchanging actions again, having some one stab 20 time the stomach for example.


The piece is actually intriguing, though having someone assassinate another inside the compound completely unnoticed doesn't make a lot of sense. The plan is going a little too well.


AU: KOTOR III: THE PULSE: Pain in my Brain



Beginning of KOTOR III: The main character seems to be having problems...


Very well done. The things I liked were first the over the top quarters, so even if you are a drone, you don't feel like one when you get home. Second was their corporate 'mandatory meeting', because having worked in corporate America, you find that a lot of what they do is determined not by facts, but what you boss thinks.


The last section, dreaming about an evil pulsating planet... to quote from Howard the Duck, 'This does not bode well'.


Best of the Week


Adonia vs The Ebon Hawk



KOTOR on Korriban: Boys and their toys


I can understand the take because every woman is like this at one time or another, cut out of their man's life by a machine of some kind. As an ex-sailor, I understand Carth's attitude though; a ship is alive, just in a way most people don't understand.





KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Sometimes, there is just no explanation


The piece is funny because, as I did in my I Know What Love Is...Sorta, we have two droids trying to understand sexuality, and failing miserably.


Cast the Right Light

Shadow Of One


TFU II teaser: To gain what he wants in life, he has got to face the challenges as well


As I have said before, since I can't play TFU on my computer, a lot of the basic story line doesn't gel for me. The teaser portrayed here is the one I know best, and the difference in his attitude between the warring voices he remembers and the woman he loves is well portrayed.


Dealing With the Devil Within

Metropolis Kid


KOTOR Enroute to Korriban: Making a deal with your other self


The piece is nicely done. Using a reflection as in most such stereotypical scenes, with the 'good' Revan finally getting rid of a Red Crystal starting it.


The discussion went as I had anticipated, but if the 'Evil' Revan is a typical Sith, is this more like a deal with the Devil?


Knights of the Old Republic: the Prodigal Knight

Gipper 40


Sequel to KOTOR with Sarge 42's assist: The story continues


Remember to sight edit. Toward the end of the prologue, you began using the wrong words (and instead of an, that kind of thing) and during the actual fight itself it needed serious polishing. Nothing actually bad, just that you should never use extra words when you don't have to.


Technical note, lightsaber styles: The problem with naming styles of fighting is that they are something only those who know actual that form of fighting would know. The different lightsaber stances and styles have never actually been used where we can see them, or at least never identified as such. If you remember the Princess Bride scene, Inigo Montoya and the masked man are constantly trading actual sword fighting style names during their bout. But unless you know the difference in those styles, it's just name dropping.


The first chapter covers what we all know, but there are 43 more chapters to read.





Pre KOTOR: Bastila says goodbye to Revan, she thinks...


The piece was well done, despite no proofreading. The characterization of Vrook's comment suggests to me that either he was always whining about the masters when he was still a Knight, and now he's going to set it all straight; or he was always so sure of his own views that no one junior has a right to complain.


We don't know for sure if Bastila knew Revan previously, but the idea that she had fallen in love with the woman when she did makes the scene more poignant.


Pick of the Week


I Think I Love You, or Maybe It's Plyridian Fever



TSL On Dxun: Does she love me? Or is it the sickness?


I usually don't read more than the first chapter, but this on intrigued me because the first chapter was pretty much 'let's find out if we like each other' and had no mention of the illness of the title. What the hell, just over 2,000 words, so I did.


And I was glad I did. The scene where Atton catches her kissing Mical was fun enough, but having Hanharr trying to defend himself from her was a riot. The end was pure Atton.


Best of the Week


Tale of Two Sabers: Kade Bard and Samantha Tristar



Technical note. Uniform dress: Unless you are actually deploying or returning from a deployment, you wouldn't be walking around in full armor. That includes helmets. When you are aboard ship, you would be in undress uniform.


The piece had a unique flavor to it, having there be two Revans has been done, but rarely so well.



A Pleasant Reader


TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Someone was watching out for her


The only negative I have is the original characterization of your Exile. She was a general for the better part of four years during the wars, and no officer survives that much time in command by being totally clueless.


The Attempted Taming of the Jedi

Marianne Bennet


KOTOR on Taris: He knows she wants him


Technical note, military courtesy: The one scene that didn't play well for me in KOTOR is when Carth comes down on Bastila for her attitude. It isn't that she didn't deserve to be told off, it's merely that when a junior officer does so, they would preface the comment with the phrase, 'with all due respect', and since Carth did not ask permission to speak freely, he would get reamed in real life.


The piece is a lot of fun when you remember the play the scenes are based on. Petruccio had it easier, though.


Pick of the Week


Revanchist Journey



KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins with a dream


The piece needs sight editing and polishing. It comes across as disjointed, especially the fight scenes.


The intro was interesting because since we know nothing about the character before Trask arrives, you carried that blankness into the story itself.


Star Wars The Grunts



Clone Wars era: A new trooper joins an outfit right before the hammer falls


The piece needs sight editing, because you not only use the wrong words (shinned instead of shined) but forget to finish sentences. Don't feel too bad about it, when I get into the flow, I forget it too. Just remember to edit, and no one will know...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You cannot merely 'steal' vitality points, no more than you can direct your energy like a Force push.


I think you misunderstood. It is "seal" Vital Points, not steal. According to traditional Chinese medical science, a body has several Vital Points, and if you hit them in a certain way, it can paralyze you, cause you death or make you stronger or stop the flaw of (poisonous) blood. It is a genre convention for Wuxia, like the force is for Star Wars. That was my mistake. Because I also post the story at a Wuxia site, I had forgot to give explanation. I should had a * and explained it below the story.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Battle of Two Giants (Historical Fiction)



Watch for redundancy. Saying a man is able and then capable is redundant. It is also redundant to say what the honor guard at the tent are armed with; a soldier walking a perimeter is armed as he would be in the field, so saying he's carrying this and that is not necessary.


Unlike the modern day, soldiers did not wear their helmets every minute on a deployment. A general or King standing in his own tent before a battle would have set it aside.


Lightning lights an area. Thunder is the noise. 'So, it is mine, not yours, the fault' should be 'The fault is mine, not yours'.


You are adding elements of Wuxia to the work, and not in a good way. Sure Alexander is young and fit, but killing tens of men in a single engagement is not realistic. The scene where he killed the elephant by stabbing it in the head is even less realistic. A modern steel sword would have trouble penetrating an elephant's skull, and just a common steel sword won't exist for almost a millennia. If you have seen Return of the King Legolas does not aim at the head of the Oliphant he kills with an arrow, he instead aims at the spine behind the head, severing it. You also have General Yadu using what are obviously Wuxia moves.


This wasn't too bad really.


Prompt 87: Food

For Love of Sunflowers


Clone Wars Era: The way to a man's heart...


The piece was tightly written, much better than the last one of yours I reviewed. The characterization of the girl is almost non-existent, but having her be half Mando'a and speaking the language made her different.


I liked how, like most of the women who meet them, she chose one specific one she liked best.


KOTOR2 The Journey Continues

Da bad Guy


Post TSL: The Exile has to follow alone. Of course people had other ideas...


The piece was short enough for me to read it all. Remember to site edit, checking especially for cumbersome sentence structure and grammar. People are in their positions, not there for example.


When she told them before leaving, I knew someone would stowaway. One I anticipated, the other not. The one person I did expect, but who did not, was Mira...


Star Wars Republic Commando 2: Rebellion

The Typer


Starting 2 years into the Clone wars:


Remember to sight edit. In your case, in the intro you had written you pretty much repeated yourself four time about the brotherhood bond. Once was quite sufficient. You also mentioned that Sev was who they had lost several times.


Also remember conversation breaks. You only missed one in the first chapter, but it was in a noticeable location.


Also two things; first, As much as you have an 'eye in the sky' adviser in the game, in real life it doesn't work that way. When you go into combat, you have the information on hand, and a lot of times, it is scanty. As an example, WEB Griffin in one of his Corps books has the briefing officer saying 'and the enemy is known to be here', then waving vaguely at the rest of the Islands West of Guadalcanal. Second it would be more logical to have a translator built in with the local language installed rather than having to contact your adviser.


The piece is a very dry rendition of the situation. Boss comes across with a 'been there, done that, didn't bother to buy a shirt' you'd expect from someone who has been in and out of combat for two years. Very well done beyond the comments above.


22 Chapters more.


Crushed and Pained



Mandalorian Wars on Dxun: Saved, and he doesn't even know who she is


Remember to check your grammar, and remember to sight edit, you left out the word die when the other Jedi was healing him.


Wakkomonkey does what most of us never did; making Nihilus a personable human being before he became the Lord of Hunger.


Pick of the Week


Revan's Shadow



Beginning Pre Mandalorian Wars: The beginning of Revan's Saga as a Jedi


Rescue fleet? From what I have seen of the Republic in the SW universe, they couldn't, as the old saying goes, organize a bottle party in a brewery. S&R (Search and Rescue)is usually a locally organized and operated function and pretty much one that crosses international borders, so say if a Korean ship in the ocean near China sends a distress signal, every ship whatever nationality that hears that signal will immediately head toward her.


Also, with something falling from orbit, the rescue ships would more likely destroy it rather than let it crash. The only reason we just let satellites fall back into the atmosphere is because we have no such organization policing it. So allowing it to crash would cause unnecessary casualties. As much as some might say there are no warships with the fleet in question, note that the implications made in the story suggest it was an attack, meaning they would send warships as surely as the police would be sent in if it were a typical terrorist attack.


Technical note, 'He's too old': I am constantly wondering if this is a hard and fast rule, or only a guideline? The primary reason I think age would be used in selecting who would be trained is more to remove countervailing interests. A child taken from a family at say age three to seven would remember their family only as hazy memories, so anything they did, either good or bad would be just memories of the past, and would not have the full force of someone you can still interact with today.


Note the meeting between Helena Shan and Bastila; someone she had not seen in over a decade. The recrimination and acrimony is there, but it has softened with the passage of time. Of course in that case, not softened too much.


My favorite scene was Kreia merely saying 'steal a speeder' as if it's an everyday occurrence between her and Vrook.


I had to read into the first actual chapter because the prologue was so short. But with 33 chapters total, and this is only Revan as a child, it looks good.


the finding of waysThe Old Republic



Set in TOR:


Remember a name is always capitalized. So Nick spade should be Spade.


Remember also to read and sight edit. You start off almost immediately with cumbersome sentences, some of which don't even make sense. You also use the wrong words several times. Fallow means land that has been plowed and harrowed but left uncultivated, when you meant follow, herd is a grouping of animals, not something you heard there (Place) instead of their (personal).


Frankly a reader would have problems following what is going on. I use a river as an analogy for how a story should progress. The idea is to take the reader from the starting point to the end. There can be rapids, action in other words, snags which are emotional problems or difficulty (Think of Han Solo having to slam his fist into a panel in TESB), even blockages that impede them. But using incorrect wording or cumbersome sentences are all unnecessary stoppages. They slow the reader down, and if left uncorrected cause them to stop reading at all.


Technical note, maneuvering: When an aircraft chops power and sometimes pops their speed brakes, they will rapidly decelerate as you have described. However, in microgravity such as you have in space, the object will merely continue on it's original course at it's last speed. You would need a powerful engine to dump speed rapidly, and since most spacecraft do not have the space for an engine that is almost as powerful as it's main engine, this would not happen.


Technical note, smuggling into a war zone: If bullets are flying where you intend to deliver your cargo, there is a simple method to deal with it; don't land. It is one thing to arrive at your destination low on fuel and have to land, but no smuggler in his right mind will make the delivery when it's this hot, and would make sure he has more than enough fuel to escape. Sure it happens, but how much is this guy getting paid? It would be easier to return to the Hutts that hired him and tell them that he arrived in the middle of an invasion.


As an example, when the B17s being sent to Hawaii ran into the Japanese attack on Pearl harbor, they landed, but only because they were low on fuel. And even then several were shot at by the Americans on the ground because they were so alarmed by the attack, even though the Japanese never fielded a bomber as large as the 17.


Plus security is heightened during an attack. Traffic control would have warned him off rather than allow him to land, and if he had attempted it, they would have assumed he was a hostile and shot him down themselves.


Technical note, Notoriety: Even if Spade had smuggled into the Sith Empire, it is not likely he would be well known enough to be recognized without a data base. As an example, in the movie SWAT, you have a Colombian Drug lord enter the country, and it isn't until they run his ID through LEANET (Law Enforcement Agency Network; where records of all American Police agencies is stored) that they identify him.


Technical note, Losing the capital: Losing your capital whether it is a city or a planet is not going to have the war just end. The United States fought on after Washington was sacked, the Chinese fought on even with Peking (Now Beijing) under occupation, and the list goes on. Wars are won by breaking the enemy's will to fight


Technical note, Time measurements: 24/7 fits the planet we're on, because thanks to the Europeans, we have a seven day week, and a full day from dawn to dawn is a bit over 24 hours. But there is no way to guarantee a time measurement on a galactic scale is going to use the same measurement. In David Weber's Honor Harrington universe for example, the Manticore system has three planets, and their 'year' is set by the capital planet which has a year equal to 1.67 of our own. But each planet has it's own year period and day period. Think of the fact that the Arabs, Jews, and most of the Asian nations of our own planet have years set by something other than the death of one man.


The basic story is all right, but you have the main character acting in a manner that is not consistent with the characterization. Han Solo for example was well portrayed in the original movie and only got into the adventure itself at first because of the idea that he would get a monetary reward by rescuing the Princess.


Just One of Those Days



9 years Post KOTOR: The title says it all


You tend to occasionally run words together. That is no big problem, since it's easily corrected with either a spell check or sight edit. I do it myself occasionally.


As someone reviewing works, the length was daunting. But it was enjoyable. My primary question is what was with the feeling in the stomach? I had thought it might be something else...


Pick of the Week


KOTOR, The Epic Journey: Waking Up



KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins


The scenes are well written, and the description of the attack well thought out.


I honestly wish you had continued.


Kotor: A Sith Story



KOTOR on Korriban: A Sith student has his own way to earn prestige


Remember to sight edit. There were a few sentences in the first chapter where you left out words, which made it a confusing read.


When I saw the length, I was daunted. Over 43,000 words in one massive block. That is almost novel length! I did read as far as the end of the first chapter though, and I am glad I did. The author has some unique perspectives on not only the Sith, but on the lifestyles of the average citizen of the planet.


I had always been bothered that Korriban is merely the nearby town the Academy, and the Valley. It's like thinking that California is only the City of Los Angeles. The author instead created the idea that Dreshdae is merely one of many enclosed towns on the planet, which makes sense.


The discussion group could be in the Jedi Academy, with a teacher enumerating the different species that are harder to deal with due to their own physiology or mental make up. I could see Vandar or Yoda giving the same lecture for pretty much the same purpose. The one thing I thought was really funny was the playful 'I'm going to kill you now' scenes with the main character, and the girl he's sleeping with. It reminded me of the scenes in the old Pink Panther Movies where Kato is constantly trying to attack his boss, without the cheating Clouseau always used to keep himself from being beaten.


The Enemy's Hand



Pre Mandalorian Wars: A research station comes under attack


The piece has the feel of an old Frankenstein movie with the villagers attacking at the start. The professor inside is so focused on his genetics experiments that he created a layer of interference that stopped him from being notified of the attack until it was too late.


The soldiers came across as just a group in a hopeless situation expecting to sell their lives dearly. The only negative I had with the piece is the attacking formation comes across as something out of the Clone Wars with their rigid formations. In real life you would not march into battle in neat rank and file, you would deploy into lines and be seeking cover instead.


The Sith Stalker Chronicles



TFUUS: After killing Vader, Galen fails against Palpatine


I have never played TFU in any form; not enough memory or graphics on my system. So I don't know how close the stor is to the game itself. The piece is well written, with only one negative I can see, and that could merely be a condemnation of the game concept. That is the 'ultimate loyalty' drug Palpatine uses.


First, it is a known fact that chemical brainwashing limits the abilities of anyone treated by it. If you are unclear on what I mean, read my own Family of Choice. That is why psychological methods are used today, because there is no drug that inhibits the person's mind. Plus, since they have to deal with people who would try to drug or poison them, it would be difficult to create such a drug without people who are Force capable to test it on.


Second, and more important, there are too many dictators and do gooders on this planet right now for me to be comfortable with such a chemical. As an example of what I mean for the do gooders, watch the scenes set on Miranda in the movie Serenity. A government trying to, as Malcolm says, 'make people better' that instead causes the deaths of thirty million. It wasn't the fact that they died that they were concealing; it was that they had tried at all.


Call Me a Sinner, Call Me a Saint Book: 1



Pre Mandalorian wars: The first strike into the Republic


The piece is short, and all of the problems I saw were technical.


Technical note, Enemy Identification: It is unlikely that the ships would not be identified by the observers. The Mandalorians are known, and should have commerce with their neighbors, and any intelligence network worthy of the name would have seen and recorded warships they had passed. As an example, the British knew the Germans were building the Bismarck thought they did not know her exact specifics, as the US knew the Japanese were building the Yamato Class battleships.


Fighters, yes, they could still be a secret. The A6M Zero had been seen, but there was not a lot known about it's flight characteristics.


Technical note, communications: The idea that you would get an enemy signal suggests that they are transmitting in clear, with no encryption at all. A modern fighter or warship of our own era uses what is called frequency agile technology, jumping in a preset frequency pattern so that all you will get as an enemy is an occasional word.


Technical note, blocking their escape: Unlike the Star Trek Universe, the Star Wars Universe does not use hyper drive in a system, and it would be unlikely that a unit would come in behind them, though possible


The author made an assumption that might sound wrong, but did intrigue me. The idea that thanks to the war of Exar Kun, the Republic no longer fully trusted the Jedi.


I just wish you had carried it on. It sounds good so far.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The Target

Metropolis Kid


Pre KOTOR: HK47 carries out an assignment


Remember to sight edit. You had some grammar mistakes, two instead of too, that kind of thing.


As for the robot's attitude about human existence, it mirrors the sociopath's. Things are in his mind what he wishes it to be, not reality. Every comment from 'good and bad' to sex is mirrored there.


Of course, I always wondered about his programmer. Was it Revan who created him and his personality? Of is he like C3P0 and R2D2 just left without a memory wipe for too long?


Maulkiller: A Prequel to The Force Unleashed II

Feral Mutant Creed


Between TFU parts: Vader tries to mix Maul and Starkiller


Remember to sight edit, and especially watch for redundancies. 'But however' is such a case. One or the other, not both. Also remember conversation breaks. When a reader runs into conversations run together, they sometimes lose track of who is speaking, and this causes frustration.


Technical note, Other cloning methods and facilities: By reading the Wookiepedia articles on both Kamino and cloning itself, I noticed that Kamino was fully under Imperial control, meaning it is unlikely that Vader could have commissioned the clone you describe without the fact being known to the Emperor. He would more likely have gotten one of the SPAARTI cylinders, and located it somewhere else. He might have also considered creating a clone of his own at that time.


The SPAARTI process is also faster, from a year to only a few weeks instead of ten years for a fully adult clone.


Technical note, Clone 'programming': The original clones were made as more docile and obedient copies of Jango Fett. The article on cloning speaks of not only this, but also 'inhibitor' chips to assure loyalty. Whatever procedure was used by his creator, your Maulkiller would have had one installed because Vader would not wish that it would go the same way as Starkiller had.


The last dig by Maulkiller was the best.



Kyria Nyriese


Post KOTOR: Revan's journey to the Unknown Regions starts where her fall began


The author is older than most I have read here, and the style shows it. There are minor problems a sight edit would cure, but the piece has a crisp neat style


When I wrote my own version of TSL, Return From Exile, I also had Revan stop at the Trayus Academy. However she switched out ships there, which is how I explained Kreia having the Ebon Hawk at the start of TSL. I also had her bring Canderous with her, until she abandons him with the helmet of Mand'alor. Her discussion here with him should have happened a lot earlier in my mind. But that is just one writer saying it's in the wrong place, not an actual dig.


Pick of the Week


For The Right Reason

Alpha Vegetable


KOTOR AU on Taris: The survivors of the Endar Spire plan their search


The piece has an interesting twist. Revan never went to war, but knows Malak best, explaining her assignment as master. Having them trade places, Revan having been captured with Bastila looking for her instead makes Bastila less abrasive.


The primary negative I have is that as her apprentice, Bastila should have a Force link to her. Perhaps the collar is interfering with it, but if so, why not mention it?


Thirty chapters long, just the first one was interesting.


Not That Different



TSL before their meeting: Visas seeks her death at the hands of what she calls the Echo.


I was a bit confused about her life before and directly after her capture by Nihilus. The scenes you describe don't make a lot of sense in a natural environment, because you have her (and I assume everyone else) running around nude pretty much all the time until the death of her world. You have her ignoring every other sense to concentrate only on the Force, which is not really a survival trait, even going as far as having her ignore taste, which is what makes us have favorite foods.


I'm not saying such a society cannot exist, merely that it is unlikely.


The style is well executed, and holding the one secret she has not told her master about is a warm touch.


The Queen's Advisor



Pre TSL on Onderon: Kavar is met by the Queen


While Talia comes across as a young girl hoping for her romantic visions to come true, the piece went very well. As the author mentioned, there are a lot of clues that suggest that the pair had a relationship beyond the professional, and the author brings it out even here at the start.


Fifteen chapters long, and I wish I could keep reading.


Pick of the Week


Star Wars: Tales of the Vigilant



Five years pre TOR: A prison break, and a search for revenge


The piece is very nicely done, the two main characters well wrought. Mercy reminds me of a mixture of River Tam from the Firefly televison show and DeeDee from Dexter's Lab(OOH, what does this do?). The Captain of every professional unjustly imprisoned hungering for her revenge.


I wish it had been longer. Say a dozen chapters longer. In fact it gave me the characterization for a character I need to build a story for.


Best of the Week


Force Unleashed: Trial Of Self



Set in TFU: Starkiller goes to the Temple of the Jedi, in search of the truth about his father


The same sight editing problems mentioned previously. Hallow (Bless) instead of hollow (Empty), and not finishing sentences.


The fight scene was very well portrayed. The only negative I had was that a place like the Jedi temple would have guards who should report immediately, rather than when they had been close to being annihilated. Picture this:


The US government has a lab where they had until recently concealed a crashed UFO. While the ship itself is no longer there, some of the data still is. A team of people trying to find out the truth invade it. The invasion would be reported immediately, even as the defenders are preparing to fight back.





KOTOE on Star Forge: The climactic battle


Remember to sight edit. You have confusing sentences that cause a reader to go back and reread them to make sure.


One interesting twist was making it the attack a larger evolution; scores of Troops, and dozens of Jedi. The only negative I had was having Malak die pretty much the way Dooku did in ROTS.





KOTOR on Ebon Hawk: You screamed what name?


I cracked up at the start of it. We all know Revan would have to eventually know, and having her and Bastila as lovers when it is revealed was a fun touch. I especially liked the author's quick save when Kiera said she knew lovers sometimes did that, then backpedaled to say she had heard that they did instead.


The rest was pretty much what you would anticipate; the hurt partner stay away, the other wishing she could fix it somehow until they are finally reunited. The end was funny with Bastlia replying ingenuously that maybe next time she'll scream Vandar's name...


Pick of the Week


The Failure of a Jedi



Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young Jedi must learn, or the Council will take steps.


The piece has an interesting feel to it. We have the girl who will become the Exile still an apprentice at age 19. The one thing it reminds me of is a class I took in the Guilds and Trades of England under Queen Elizabeth, because of the Masters deciding that Kavar is not doing his job. And like those ancient guilds, if he will not do it, they will.


It's rare that I address the author directly, but after reading this, I read the profile. This person decided to post this with some misgivings because they are worried about the idea that people might not like it. First, remember, that as Ted White told Robert Heinlein when he decided to stop writing, 'a writer writes. He might not be selling, he might be spinning his wheels, but he never stops.”


Don't worry overmuch about how your audience perceives your work. I have been posting on Lucasforums since mid 2004 and been their critic since October of 2005 If I merely stopped posting when people stopped commenting I would have stopped back before this story of yours was first published here. You can never please everyone, so don't try. Set your course, lay out your story, publish it and dare them to say you're wrong. But if they do, demand that they say publicly why!


One of my own; Dxun Memories, was lambasted by exactly one reader who defined it as a Mary Sue. A Mary Sue is when you put in a character who is so much more knowledgeable than the regular characters. My reply was simple. Ground combat, and the resultant landings are a different skill set than naval command. Revan in my stories was an Admiral; Marai, my Exile was a hands on soldier. Before World War Two, and during the first year of that war, an amphibious landing was done with standard solid prowed boats, and everything was unloaded by hand.


While the Marines are 'naval' troops, with an Admiral in charge, it was no longer merely a landing ala Horatio Hornblower. Read my Genesis of a Jedi, especially the last chapter, which I warn is actual history, and shows the difference between an Admiral and the ground pounders who land and wrest the land from the enemy.


So write the rest of this story. I for one want to see it.


Pick of the Week


It's a Terrible Thing To Fall

Replica Velocity a.k.a. X5 714


KOTOR AU: Revan faces an enemy she will not even fight, her true love


The piece is an interesting one. The idea of having Carth be the one who was captured and falls. But, as the author points out, The idea is possible, and only his not being a Force user would have stopped it.


It is a nicely done dark piece, Carth is someone she would not want to kill, even if he had fallen, and without Bastila's battle mediation, the enemy still has overwhelming firepower as long as the ships built by the Star Forge last.


Pick of the Week

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Another time, Another place, Another life

Chevron 7 Locke


No specific era given: One shots about alternate possibilities


Chev always delivers, and this was no exception. It's a pity I am running too late, I would have liked to read the second one too.


Good Enough

Kila Brija


Post KOTOR: It isn't if he feels she's good enough, it is does she fell she is.


The piece is a nice bit of fluff. Him complaining about her flinching when she remembers who she had been, and her using it just to tease him. But the meat of it is when she's in the fresher, and decides, she will go in with life anyway, and he will be in her life...


Why the Mandalorians lost the Wars



Post Mandalorian Wars: The real reason they lost the war


The piece surprised me, especially the comment that 'oh they'll never know if you don't tell them' followed by angry copy-write owners mobbing her.


The first vignette was funny and outrageous, 'take the red one, it tastes like Strawberries!' but Manda'lor takes the blue one instead, claiming she's trying to trick him and Mandalorians don't like strawberries anyway, meanwhile ignoring her monologuing like a villain from the Incredibles.


Then a man desperate to pee using a barrel full of whiskey for the deed, which ruins the last toast for Manda'lor, and gets him killed. With Vrook in one scene wafting through the commander's quarters looking for strawberries...


Knights of the Old Republic: The Jedi Civil War



Pre KOTOR: Bastila begins the process of finding Revan's immediate past


I did not have time to read beyond the first chapter, and the only negative I had in it was her injuries. A leg almost severed at the knee is not going to be fixed with a quick swim in a kolto tank, after all.


But from what I did read, I wonder what happens in the next 19 chapters, since the Jedi Civil War itself is only skimmed over.


KOTOR: Return From Darkness

Candle in the Night


KOTOR AU: Revan returns home from the wars, not sure what he will face.


The piece is nicely written in this first chapter, well done for a first fan fic. My only negative is that the Ebon Hawk would still have been in the hands of the smuggler that had owned it before Davik Kang stole it.


Pick of the Week


When You're Stupid



TSL on Malachor V: Atton dies, leaving his love alone


The piece needs sight editing, as you used incorrect words on occasion, no big problem, I do it myself on occasion.


I agree with the author that the game was poorly written and rushed. There are scenes that drag on to no purpose (The confrontation with the Masters pretty much boiled down to, 'we were wrong, but we were still right to exile you', so there for example) and while I have always run the game as a female character, I have never deepened the relationship with Atton beyond having him as a member of the crew, so this is one cut scene I have never seen.


In fact it was my reaction to what I perceived as being wrong that caused me to write my own novelization back in 2006.


Revan and Carth Star Forge



KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: Amidst death and destruction, love will still find a way


The piece is short, and the internal monologues segue very well. Not my cup of tea exactly, but a nice pit of fluff.



The Intensity


TSL after Kreia's death: Some choices are no choice at all


Remember conversation breaks. The piece was short, but when you forget them, you break the reader's train of thought, and sometime, if it is done too often (I reviewed one person a few years ago who had three different people talking in the exact same paragraph) they become frustrated.


I liked the option of taking Kreia's body along, which is not offered in the game.



Matthew Summers


Pre KOTOR, attack on Telos: Revan must learn to accept what she is causing


A very dark study, with little light to it. The idea that the Sith actually teach a way to divorce yourself from the Force so you do not feel the anguish you cause was a surprise to me. I would think the average Sith would revel in the pain of others that they caused. I picture Shaardan at Korriban with his test no one can pass until Revan strolls by and stops him, or Lashowe expecting to be entertained with an 'or else' unsaid.


But she finally accepts what she is causing, and Telos burns...


Best of the Week


Knights of the Old Republic: Return of Revan



Post TSL: With the Sith Fleet no longer attacking, the Republic licks it's wounds, and wonders why.


The piece has it's odd moments, having the relationship between Revan and Bastila more like lovers rather than master-apprentice for one. The idea that they had not murdered the Jedi makes me wonder about Mission, since Zaalbar is still with them, and I would hope that in one of the subsequent unread chapters, there is an answer to that question.


But we have a purpose to Revan's search now. Not a group, but a single man...


Pick of the Week


To Atone



Post Mandalorian Wars: The exile returns to accept her responsibilty for what has occurred


The piece is an interesting study of why the woman who would later be Exiled returns. As I mentioned in my own Return From Exile, she feels she has wronged the Jedi order, and must allow herself to be punished. But as she is willing to return, she still hope Revan will go with her.


The Demon Moon



TSL on Dxun: The Handmaiden watches her new master with wonder


The author took the section on Dxun and converted it to ten chapters; about as long as my own version, Return from Exile.


I like the dialogue between her and Mira, though I took care of the 'listening' before they left Nar Shaddaa, and the offhand comment about how to get a man I not only used, I incorporated in my own work.


I like the author's take on how he has kept up his training without the force, and his stubborn refusal to accept the title of Jedi, even when he, like my own, embodies their teachings.


Ten chapters, definitely worth reading.


Pick of the Week


Revan: Departure



Post KOTOR: There is no rest for our hero


The first chapter is merely their return to Coruscant, but even that was interesting. Told in present interspersed with flashbacks, start when he and Malak were young students, ending with the death of his friend on the Star Forge.


I especially liked the idea that he shared that last drink at the end of chapter 1 with his old friend's spirit.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Have just replaced my computer. Used Window 'Easy transfer', but found out it doesn't move programs, so I have to go in, redownload my programs (Starting with Open Office since I refuse to pay for Word even if it's on the damn machine) so I'm letting you know I may be running late enough that I will not complete my reviews for this week on time. Will start early next week, and put out a double instead.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Atton's night out



Post TSL: Sometimes, you just want to get back to what it was like before


The piece was an interesting look at what an ex- or maybe not too ex- scoundrel might get up to. The only real negative I had with it was the rancor, since anything that big isn't going to even notice most weapons a human being can carry. Wish it had been continued, because now suddenly he has to go back into that hell hole to get out the family of the kid he rescued.


Meet the Parent



Post KOTOR: Like a lion in her den...


The piece started off with an oddity. You remove the memories from the main character, send him off on what is to all intents and purposes a forlorn hope, and when he gets back alive, you're upset that he doesn't remember things his previous persona would have known! I would have been even more upset if I didn't know some of the really stupid crap the US government has done... Think of a UN Ambassador calling on the Jews and Arabs to stop fighting 'like good Christians'.


Then the scene that really got me giggling. Helena literally playing emotional crack the whip both her daughter and her beau.


And the Bet was cute too!


Pick of the Week


Living the Code



No specific era given: How a Jedi woman controls her man


The piece was fun because like any man who has had a relationship, the first thing you notice is the things they try to change in you. I was reminded after the great diet change it starts with that your most likely to be murdered by your nearest and dearest. Maybe even over your favorite cereal.


After a while, it became easier, even as the relationships do. By the end, you knew how it would turn out, but you will probably like the ending.


Pick of the Week





TSL On Nar Shaddaa: What if someone else wanted the kidnapped girl Adana?


Remember to sight edit and always remember conversation breaks. That ensures a smooth flow to the work.


The piece reads more like a police procedural. Not a real ding; Ed McBain's 87th Precinct books made the term well know. What you did was what I had done in my own Genesis, though I used Sasha from Dantooine.


Here I am

Revan Nonaka


Post KOTOR: One thing left undone


The author is Norwegian, and since I have to use a translator program to even try to write in that language, I cannot ding them on spelling, grammar etc.


The basic premise is interesting; After the Star Forge, he finally completes the quest to retrieve the holocron of Bastila's father.


KOTOR: Echoes of the Force



Sequel to Whispers of the Force: Things are not going well


Two things, both technical:


First, a blind jump means you don't know where you're going, so how did the enemy find them?


Second, remember that internal hyperdrives for fighters won't exist for almost 4,000 years.


The action is hot an heavy, and the prologue ends with a cliffhanger. The most interesting thought is that with this character, the force seems to actually speak to him.


Start of an Exile

Shadows Of The Storm


Technical note, Armor: As much as people like to think of it as possible, armor of any kind is more bulky that normal clothes. Including the Second Chance Kevlar T shirt. So anyone who knows that would automatically notice it even if it 'appears' to be a frock.


Technical note, Embassies: It doesn't make sense to have an embassy for the government in their own capitol. The State Department by whatever name would handle all such contacts.


The idea that the Exile is hired by the Republic not long after is new to me. Having read some of what has gone before, it's nice to know which of the three girls from the previous stores is the actual Exile.



Wrong Door



KOTOR on Taris: Running through the base


The one way to get through the base, sneaking only one person in, never really comes up in the game. It was a fun look. The author remarked on the one thing I used when I wrote my own KOTOR novel, the way to deal with muscle memory.


Unless a person has complete catastrophic brain injuries, any talent they had is still there, and be accessed merely by attempting it. A soldier with amnesia usually still knows how to operate the equipment he had been trained with, a singer can still sing (Reference Jan Berry of Jan and Dean) and a pilot would recognize the situation and react even if he doesn't remember flying before.


Exiled: Jedi Report

Shadows Of The Storm


Pre TSL on Coruscant: She never expected to meet him again


I still have problems with the clothing, and especially when she meets the Jedi Master. If you have a bounty hunter in the full rig usually shown down to helmet, you could have people meet under these circumstances and perhaps they won'y recognize each other. Moreover, if you are spending any long period of time together, the clues add up. Watch the live action movie Green Lantern where the girl immediately recognizes him even with the mask


As usual, no time to read it all, but an interesting turn of events


What's In A Name

Shadows Of The Storm


Pre TSL On Tatooine: The Exile redefines what remains of her life


The piece is nicely dark, and her feelings have been shared by many that have had their former lives torn away. The idea that the 'innocent have just not been caught' is an old one.


Best of the week





Set during the Clone Wars: A misson goes awry when one of the clones is bitten by a local bug


Remember to sight edit, as you use the wrong words sometime (Guaranty rather than guarantee) and always remember conversation breaks. A story should flow like a river, and when you forget them, you cause unnecessary chop.


The situation so far in chapter one is a basic one, but worth following.


Myosotis Redux



Pre KOTOR: She just decided it's a vacation


Technical note, police procedure: In the game Manaan was listed as a neutral, neither Sith nor Republic world. Therefore a Republic cop would have no authority to arrest or detain her while she is there. If you need an example, look at Ira Einhorn, the 'Unicorn killer'. Charged with murder, he had fled the country for France. It took almost a decade before the US was able to have him extradited.


However the Star War universe does have an alternative you didn't consider, and that is a bounty hunter. An interesting way to set up the game. The only thing I am curious about, is that since she was so forceful in attempting to conquer the Republic, why would she give all of that up just to go through the crap she does deal with in chapter one?


KotoR StoryThe True Sith Come



7 years Post TSL: The enemy finally comes


The first chapter had both good and bad moments. The bad is the idea that the reconstruction absolutely needs the Jedi as part of it. It makes the people of the Republic look like a group of wimps.


What I did like is the idea I surmise that the enemy feels weak enough that they have to trick at least one Jedi into coming to the Exile's rescue to test their capabilities.


Past Epilogue

The Passionate Admiral


Six years post TSL: The combined crews from both games go on a mission


Two things, one technical, the other a commentary on the scene from Chapter 2


Technical note, Crew complement: A ship because of it's limited resources, can only hold so many people. For a trip of any real duration, you must balance what the ship can supply; food, water if only for drinking and cooking, recycling capability (Both water and waste) and especially enough room to be able to do more than stand while she is underway. Note that are only six bunks (Seven with the one in sick bay) on board. That means you are carrying three times her normal crew complement even if you assume the bunk in the sickbay is someone's bed at least eight hours of the time. That is the reason why the crew in each game in limited to seven (and two or three droids) for the ship, it is what can be quartered without discomfort.


The German navy of WWII was known for 'hot bunking'; having people share bunks, with one crewman sleeping, another taking his place after eight hours, but you have three people doing so per bunk just to have room for them all to sleep. It would be bad enough with just the crews of the ship on her previous missions (fourteen, with either Hanharr or Mical as alternates).


This does not mean you could not shoehorn 22 people into her, it's just if the trip is very long (More than a couple of days), you will arrive tired, frustrated, and willing to kill anything that gets in your way once the ramp comes down. In my own Return from Exile, My Exile Marai Devos did overload her to travel from Dantooine to Telos, but I know she didn't assume they would also be coming back. It was an emergency situation.


Read David Weber's where the main character is trying to organize the evacuation of over two million people from an enemy prison, and she is not sure she can lift them all until the end. Every ship is carrying 200 percent of their core crews, and even then, it was a balance of capacity and being able to fight the ships if necessary.


I can't see Nar Shaddaa as any other world, any more than I can See Tortuga under the Pirates of the 16th and 17th century as just some other settlement.


Vibroblades and Mirrors

Mister Buch


TSL on Malachor V: the final confrontation from several points of view


The piece makes me wish I had time to read all of the chapters. In a few sentences, the Author give you a believable running dialogue from Atton's view, and that's just chapter one. I did pretty much the same thing in my own Return From Exile, but only on the march from the ship to the Academy.


Pick of the Week


The Last Crusade



AU Mainly Pre Mandalorian wars: Master and apprentice.


Again, I'm wishing for more time. Though the prologue is basically generic, the idea of them being master and apprentice is a new thing in my reading here so far. To face someone you had once trusted as an enemy is a perfect aperitif for what I know will follow...


Pick of the Week


Kayashi K'oyayci



KOTOR on Dantooine: Hunting and reminiscences


The piece is a typical slice of life hunting story, or so it would seem from the start, but I liked it a lot. In my own KOTOR and TSL works, I treated the Mandalorians like people, rather than mindless thugs, and while I never carried it through in Return From Exile, I had Carth and Canderous reminiscing like this.


I especially enjoyed the 'liver' scene. If you have ever read Jingo by Terry Pratchett, they have a scene where a guest is given sheep's eyeballs to eat, and his reply is that they pick something disgusting as a joke, which is what Canderous is pulling here with Carth.





KOTOR starting at the Star Forge: They will be together, no matter what


The piece needs polishing. The scene when they reach the ship comes over as trite for example.


But you redeemed it when Bastila and Revan talk. Thirteen chapter, worth a read.


I Bastila

Futility Reigns


Pre KOTOR: Choices


The piece has a calm 'and now it begins' feel to it. The primary negative I had with chapter one is the comment about a Jedi who never feels the Force directing them, which is sort of an oxymoron, since unlike a religious order of our world, you have to be connected to the Force beyond merely giving lip service to it.


The attack when it comes is expected, and why she does what she does perfectly understandable.


The Ebon Hawk Instant Messaging Archive



KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: A look behind the scenes


Being an old man, I have not been subsumed by the IM craze of today. But seeing some of what's happening through those eyes is kinda fun. Having Revan have to steal time on Bastila's computer was a fun bit, and having Bastila Force Persuaded using IMs cute.


Contingency Plans

Prisoner 24601


Post KOTOR on Coruscant: Some strings are being pulled in the background...


When Prisoner and Dinah Lance come onto the scene I know it will be good, albeit weird sometimes. Having Revan be a family name was good, and creating a rich old man in the background something unsuspected.


The conversation was something I especially liked because it highlights how little the people of the Republic fail to grasp about their one time enemy. Assuming that he is merely dealing with a hired thug, and the world weary attitude of Canderous who is quite used to that idea.


Only got to read the first chapter, damn it.


Pick of the Week





Pre KOTOR AU: They landed on the wrong ship...


The piece didn't surprise me really. If they had known the flagships, they should have hit the right one, so we have a deception played by their enemies, and fell for it. The only real confusion would have been if they hit Karath's ship instead, meaning an entirely wasted effort.


However once they are there, it flowed well, and you knew Bastila would put as much effort into saving Malak as she had in the original.


A Matter of Choice



KOTOR at Lehon: It does come down to choices


The piece was interesting, since as anyone can tell you, you can rationalize anything you do if you word it right. The idea that Carth will join her even if he didn't fall was almost a foregone conclusion.



A Pleasant Reader


Post TSL and return: It wasn't like they had set a date or anything


The piece snuck up on me because, as the title states, their thoughts, even going in opposite directions, create a harmony. Neither sure of what the other feels for them, and unwilling to make ther leap of assumption.


I hated having to stop. Two chapters to go.


Pick of the Week

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Star Wars Sacrifice



Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young girl is chosen by the order


Remember to sight edit. There were several times where you forgot to complete sentences. You also jumped from present tense to past tense.


Technical note, hyperdrive: Since fighters didn't have internal hyper drive until after the Clone Wars, I assume the fighter mentioned had a warp ring of some kind, which would have had two docking procedures, one for the fighter and another for the ring.


The piece feels a bit rushed to me. I know Arren has to get her away before the attack, but she doesn't bother to inform the crew of their impending doom, merely grabs the girl to flee. But if she had seen her parent's ship killed by the Mandalorians, she would definitely have a reason to push for the Jedi to join the war later.


Knights of the Old Republic: Old Memories

Ardent Flame


KOTOR on Endar Spire: A Revan with a lot of his memories really intact fighte to escape the ship


Remember to sight edit. I know it was rewritten, but you missed some. Don't take that as a negative, I posted a story over at lucasforums and took three weeks to find a grammatical error of my own.


The basics, that he has salvaged his memories makes an interesting twist, especially his not letting anyone else know about it.


Jedi Don't Brood



Aboard Ebon Hawk: Well that didn't go as she had planned


Like any practical joker, Revan forgets that not everyone will see the joke as funny, though I chuckled when I read what she had done. And the title is so choice, because we've seen Anakin brood so often it reminded me of the line from the Clone Wars move. Asohka; 'You've got that look again' Anakin; 'There's a look?'


Pick of the Week


As a Friend



KOTOR on Kashyyk: Did she say what she thought she heard?


Having just read another short piece by the same author, I was ready, I thought. The one thing I like about the mods available for the KOTOR games has been the 'make a relationship possible', like a same sex pairing with Bastila. I didn't try it in KOTOR until I had used the one in TSL where you replace the Disciple with the Handmaiden, because quite frankly, I didn't like him enough to have him in my group.


The piece is funny because even with Bastila being deadly serious, I can see the author's character willing to push the envelope a little more.


I wonder if it would be possible to make one for Canderous and a female in either game?


Guardian Angel



Pre TSL: How much are you willing to give to save your brother?


The premise was outstanding, the actions by the Jedi perfectly reasonable.


When I wrote my own Return from Exile, I did a little figuring on the number of potential Jedi with a lot of givens, such as the level of midichlorians, number of Jedi known to be, number of known planets in the galaxy, etc, and came up with just under a million five. If you want my figures, go to the story, chapter 32. If you're using IE, just click edit, find and put in the word midichlorian.


Pick of the Week


Snowed In



Post KOTOR on Dantooine: They're snowed in... whatever will they do?


The piece was a nice little slice of life, and perfectly reasonable. Only two flaws.


The temperature scale you're using is obviously faerenheit, but like the month mentioned, they are both linked to our own planet. You could have said winter instead, and just not mentioned a specific temperature.


Incoming Fighters



KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Bad day? Try a bad week or so...


Remember to sight edit. You were uneven with conversation breaks, sometimes working them perfectly, other times forgetting them. At one point you had three different people talking in the same paragraph for example.


Starting with a very bad gunnery run, the jokes and situations continue. Selling off the men's blasters because 'you're not using them anyway' segues to Jolee looking like a real ditz, Canderous smashing doors (And BTW they are hatches on a ship) and dumping too much salt into the food processor, and that's just the start.


The 'who trusts the other less' contest and the fact that she is more hung up on having been the Dasrk Lord were choice.



Veni Vidi Vichi


KOTOR After Leviathan: Sometimes you just need to talk to each other


The piece was cute in it's own way. Everyone trying one after another to get Revan to cheer up, though you only see Canderous and Carth here. The author is correct about Carth, because he does flirt with a female Revan almost immediately, balanced with his 'I don't trust anyone' attitude, So the author just cut to the chase as it were.


Advice over Pazaak

Veni Vidi Vichi


TSL aboard Ebon Hawk enroute to Dantooine: Sometimes you just have to relax


Remember to sight edit, you used hour instead of our.


I never got into the game, or Yu Gi Oh, so I didn't notice the quote, sorry. But the reason I used the 'get Handmaiden as a female' was because I can't stand Disciple at all, so your own comment, about you want your dog to look like a dog fits him.


Just Her Silly Toy



Remember to sight edit. You used new instead of knew for example. You also had a sentence that didn't make sense because of the wording. That sentence, 'I wouldn't call it uncomfortable but it was comfortable either' should be wasn't even with English screaming about watching out for double negatives.


I rather liked the piece, each of the people remembering what really happened in the incidents that are told as lies, and Atton and Mical actually reconciling, if only in death...


KOTOR 2 Mhi Soulus Tome

The Hark-ness monster


TSL on Dxun: After landing for repairs, the crew of the Ebon Hawk meet the neighbors


Basically a generic retelling of the event. My primary negative is with the actual game elements. When you're writing a story, you should try to avoid things that remind people the this is from a game.


Also, while the basic style is good, you really didn't give us a lot of you in it so far. But then again, I only had time to read the intro chapter.


Another Story

Mike Canary


Six years Post TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Mira has returned home, but trouble is brewing...


The piece is well done, and the situation reminds me of any town when the old gangs have been destroyed, and new ones try to move into the vacuum.


While I had time only to read the first chapter, it gave me a lot to think about. The thugs merely thinking they can walk in and make demands is generic, but the reaction of the patrons after Mira had taken down the first man was choice.


The attack that followed made me wonder, because it speaks of a better tactical mind than you would anticipate for a simple gang. Sending in a decoy team to hopefully keep their opponent occupied so that the real team means she is not dealing with just any gang.

Sixteen chapters, definitely worth reading.


Best of the Week

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Parallel Bars

Elriel Xillow-Onasi


Five years Post TSL: Heading home, Revan gets some advice on love from Canderous of all people


Remember to sight edit. You forgot the conversation breaks in one paragraph, then used predition instead of prediction.


That being said, the piece is nicely done, and tightly written. I enjoyed the interplay between Revan and Canderous, and the reasoning why Atton who is aboard, is so depressed. One of those I wish I could read all the way through. But there's nothing stopping you...


Pick of the Week


Heart of the Guardian



Post KOTOR: A gift for her love...


The piece is nicely done, and like any relationship, the one barb is accidental rather than intentional. It was interesting to see a Revan losing an eye in her battle against Malak, but she has accepted that loss. The teasing way to get her lover into bed was fun as well.


Pick of the Week


A message to Satele Shan



Generations after KOTOR: Revan's descendant receives a call to duty


The piece has an interesting feel to it. So much of what is past is still obscured, though if it is set right before TOR, it would be.


KotOR Passion and Chaos

LD Little Dragon


Pre-KOTOR: Carth's next mission is a bit vague


It is an interesting look at what came before. Carth being such a workaholic that the Admiral hands him her own credit card to get him to relax. Of course we all know who the woman is.


Canderous Cares

Elriel Xillow-Onasi


Post TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Canderous is writing what???


An advice to the lovelorn column? After reading the constant shameless plugs, I was wondering how low he could sink until he comments on his mother's letter!


Tied for Best of the Week



Scriptor Sapiens


Clone Wars: Delta team has to deal with another Jedi. But this time they made one wrong assumption...


I thought the scene with the adviser was a bit much, primarily because while the team doesn't want to deal with any Jedi, he didn't bother to address the misconception Boss made.


Haven't kept up with my reading on the EU series, so I am not sure how often they might have dealt with the 'holier than thou' type of Jedi.


The Power of Revan

N7 Commando


Pre KOTOR: Revan escapes, but to where?


Remember to sight edit; you used threw instead of through, then good when you meant go. This is not a major ding, I posted part of one of my stories over at Lucasforums years ago, and had a reviewer point out that I had made a grammatical error, but didn't tell me what it was. It took me three weeks to find it.


So my mantra is reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until smooth.


I had time to only read the first chapter, but it left me unsatisfied. Part of the reason is why Revan didn't merely surrender her ships upon arrival, which would have stopped the battle from even occurring. In WWII, U-boats still on patrol were ordered to surrender to the next military vessel they encountered, or failing that, to proceed to the first enemy port to surface and do the same.


Second, and very important, if the True Sith are so powerful, what makes you think they would be less powerful 4,000 years later?


Double Whammy

Renee Enderson


Pre KOTOR: If one crack on the head doesn't do it...


Except for the Dark Lord's obsession with a pink lightsaber, I thoroughly enjoyed the work. I had almost thought of the scene from Airplane where the stewardess is smacking everyone in the head with the guitar as she walks forward.


Pick of the Week


Mutual Attraction



7 Years Post KOTOR: An odd holocron may drive Revan mad


The main question is where did a holocron that has events that had not happened come from?


Except for that one question, an excellent first work.


The Runup



Post KOTOR: Everyone just has to have their say before the big day


I have been through this before with my first X, so I was able to relate. There is always that one who thinks it will be a disaster, the one young girl who is thinking of the party afterward, and where I was during it all, correcting the English of the kid who wrote last.


Pick of the Week


The Morning After



KOTOR on Manaan: In vino et veritas


The piece is a stereotypical view of the hungover remembering what happened the previous evening. The scenes were fun, though why she didn't give Kat a lap dance too made me wonder.


The only negative I had with it was the Jedi Council erasing the memories. Sexual orientation shouldn't matter, and I can't see having them run a revolving door system to deal with every kid who suddenly feels the first rush of hormones.


Tied for Best of the Week


Kotor Changed

Avatar 101


On Yavin, but watching what occurred during the Endar Spire battle: A revamp of history


Remember conversation breaks. Picture your story as a path through the town you live in. As the one walking, you pick your course, but there will be obstructions along the way you don't know about yet. When you forget conversation breaks, you as the author are throwing unnecessary ones in the way. Also remember to sight edit. You used shoot (As in using a gun) when you meant chute (Narrow passage) as an example.


It was an interesting take on the events aboard the ship. The one thing that bothered me was his mere acceptance that he had been reprogrammed by the Council.


I wish I could read further. What was in the message he sent before he was captured?


Definitely worth reading.


Pick of the Week

Link to comment
Share on other sites


Tales of a Shattered Order



Twenty Years Post KOTOR: As the order rebuilds, other problems begin to loom


Remember to sight edit. You used devises (Plans) instead of Devices (machine) and scarred (Having scars) instead of Scared (Frightened). This is not a major ding; part of the problem is I grew up using typewriters and having to redo entire pages if there were more than a few errors. Spell checkers actually caused me to have more problems when I finally woke up and smelled the 80s.


As for the ship he is flying, every ship built in the SW universe would not be designed exactly the same, even if they have the same class designation. Different companies, even different races would make different layouts.


You have treated the Mando'a right; not as thugs. My only question with Cain is why he didn't merely adopt the children, which is the custom. Since Atton knew they were dealing with the Mando'a, his reaction was a bit much; a Mando'a teacher would naturally use the situation as a teaching aid, and would not have seriously harmed her.


The situation is well set up.



Lonely Duty

Raze Flyn


Post KOTOR: True to his duty


Remember to sight edit, and remember punctuation. The very first sentence is almost devoid of such, and begs for at least one additional comma.


I enjoyed the idea that he does it all for the warrior he admires. Even being alone rather than following.




Rae Solo


Pre Mandalorian Wars: One thing leads to another


The piece is short and cute. It didn't surprise me that it segued from one activity to another, nor did the idea that both of them had pretty much decided something was going to happen come as a shock. After all, it's human nature.



Javan Ryder


KOTOR from Taris to Dxun: He thinks of might have been, even as he is true to his word.


The piece is a dry look at the mission from the view of Canderous. The one person who stood behind the main character because at first she was good, and the fact that she was Revan was incidental. The only one when you think about it that didn't have to rationalize his loyalty.


The one comment I didn't agree with was 'people who believe they can find honor in a profession that has none'. Except for some lapses in the last ten centuries, it was one of the most honorable, because people who needed an army, and couldn't afford the cost of maintaining one all the time, needed someone to defend them, regardless of what Machiavelli said.


The Whips and Scorns of Time

Auros Sohperai


1 Year Post TSL: The Exile finds Revan, but not where she expected


First, when Henry Stanley went in search of Dr. Livingstone in Africa, he faced the same problem. At the time, Africa was mainly an unknown, with little or nothing recorded about the region he intended to enter. All he had is, as Carl Sagan commented about the era of exploration, 'traveler's tales'. Look at the accounts of explorers where they merely drew a line on their map, and marked 'unexplored' on one side of it.


There are regional wines and beers primarily because they could no longer get the drinks they remembered from home. So having the bartender even know what a specific ale is would be like leaving the original 13 American Colonies heading west, crossing the Mississippi, finding a Spanish Mission in present day California, and expecting them to have a French Bordeaux from a specific vintner. Oh there would probably be something called a Bordeaux available, but it wouldn't be the same, which is why there are wines of that name bottled in South Africa, the Napa Valley, Argentina, and Australia.


The meeting with Revan was a bit of a letdown for me. Part of my problem is that I have a lot of knowledge about history, and the scene itself was confusing. If the True Sith were all powerful, waiting to face them makes little or no sense.


Half Life

Darth Yuthura


KOTOR Aboard Leviathan: Revenge is not always sweet


The fight was pretty generic as you commented, the problems I had with it were; 1, nomenclature. You have windows in buildings, you have ports in a ship. 2, throughout the SW universe, they mention transparisteel just as they use transparent aluminum in Star Trek. Both have the the advantage that unlike any form of glass, they are much stronger being metal. What you have here is someone thrown by an explosion into the hull of a ship like a modern day destroyer with a hull thickness of about 12mm, and having the hull shatter at the impact. 3: An explosive decompression would have caused every unarmored person in the compartment to be affected. So having the Jedi and Carth ready to react faster than the surviving troopers is not proper.


The writing style is good, though you had some grammatical errors, vein instead of vain, lead instead of led, but that is an editing problem.


I can see what you mean about action scenes. If you would like, PM me, and I can help you punch them up.


The Return of Revan



7 years post KOTOR: Revan returns


Remember to sight edit and especially conversation breaks. The only time I have found where having two people talk in the same paragraph makes sense is if they both say something different at that moment.


The homecoming is a bit brisk, and I wish I could read further, merely because of the seven years that we will no doubt have laid out for us.


Calculating Odds

Dessmond Williams


TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: He hates losing especially to him!


The piece was short, sweet and a lot of fun. The interactions between Atton and T3 are few, but all of them are funny.


Pick of the Week


Choices for the Right Reasons

Shadows Of The Storm


TSL on Peragus: The adventure begins with a SOTS twist...


I have to agree with the author about Peragus, though it also applies to the Endar Spire section of KOTOR; a lot of useless action and little or no interaction to define the characters.


Instead of the trio of Revan Malak and the 'Exile', SOTS has always had a foursome, and this piece uses that to highlight a lot of what happens on Peragus with one of them flirting outrageously with Atton, but the other recognizing the trap Kreia has them in. I had to agree with Tyla; to paraphrase from a Batman Animated movie, the reason Batman never seeks revenge is because once he crosses that line, he knows inside he'd never go back.


But if you didn't like Peragus, as she said, just jump to chapter three.


Pick of the Week


Trial by Fire

Prisoner 24601


Post KOTOR prequel to Contingency Plans: A series of co-authored oneshots, starting with a heart to heart about following you heart


The only negative I have is that in the game if you ask Bastila about herself, she says she's only 19, but hey, it only bothered me because I am a purist.


When Prisoner and Dinah Lance show up, I know I am in for a good read, and this was no exception. The idea that both Carth and Min have love interests aboard is not new, but the reason she and Canderous are getting to that point is very interesting to me. Unlike a lot of the authors I have read, the idea of a warrior man wanting the best and fiercest woman as his mate makes perfect sense.


And Bastila all sweaty and limber after working out isn't a bad image...


Pick of the Week


Hero, Savior, Conquer, Villain

Teutonic Knight 92


KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins


Technical note; Vibroblades were not designed to resist lightsabers. They are a specific type of weapon designed to cut through armor and bone more easily.


The primary negative I have with the piece is the same one I had with the game. The fight could not have been planned because the main character is still asleep when it starts. Having served in the Coast Guard, I do know about a quarter to a third of the crew would be asleep if a ship is ambushed as the US was at Pearl Harbor. But if you are going into an area where you expect to fight, everyone is up. The characterization in your 'history', of them coming in and being ambushed only makes sense that way.


Your explanation of how Battle Meditation works reads perfectly. Because it isn't a magic bullet or magic wand. It is only a slight edge in battle, and one you have to prepare for.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The broken red thread

Revan Sama


Post TSL: The last meeting between Revan and the Exile


Unlike most of the author's work, this one needed some serious editing.


That being said, it was a very dark and malevolent look at the pair. An unrequited love, but one more of a possessive man with a woman who at this stage is no longer willing to be merely a toy.


Perfect Enemies



Before Malachor V: Revan maneuvers the Exile into the battle, as always


The only negative I had with it was the Mandalorians attacking Dxun and Onderon so late in the war. According to Canon, Dxun was their version of Guadalcanal.


The interplay between them is more of a hate-hate relationship than anything else. The Exile's comment that being a soldier pretty much negates being a Jedi is thought provoking.


KOTOR Aftermath



Two Months Post KOTOR: Another threat looms. Can Darth Revan use this to his advantage?


First, remember paragraph and conversation breaks. You have taken what would be about four and a half pages, and made it three paragraphs. Remember, a standard paragraph is usually three to five sentences focused on one idea.


Conversation breaks allows the flow to be guided. Without them it's like taking a paddle-wheel steamer through rapids.


The basic premise of the story made little sense. I think a good portion of that problem is the faults I mentioned above, but a large portion is the idea that Bastila is automatically going to win because she is on the Dark side. This is a common idea I have seen in a lot of young writers. As an older man, I understand the desire to want to be bad, because as the old saying goes, nice guys finish last.


What Rain Hides

Arctick Child


TSL on Dxun: Only the rain obscures the memories


One negative, without an external heat source, a derelict vehicle of any kind is not going to be smoldering after a decade. There were reports of tanks during the great battles of the Eastern Front that were still too hot to approach a couple of days later, but a day is not a decade.


The piece is a very nicely done look at the past for Bao Dur. Like any soldier who returns to where he had fought, it has changed, but there is a mental overlay of what was there before.


The Time Schedule

Mike the Syrjirk


KOTOR on Dantooine: They said he could leave when he wanted...


A few years ago, I reviewed a story that pointed out that the Endar Spire section doesn't end until you left the ship. So you had Carth and Revan pretty much kicked back watching shows, playing games, and I expect, raiding the now empty galley. I expected a reprise of that idea.


Boy was I wrong.


Revan is like a spoiled little boy, screwing around for more than four days, and the others leave him in disgust. Of course the enemy hasn't been sitting on their Keesters all this time, so the destruction of Dantooine arrives on the author's schedule. The crew pretty much surrendering reminded me of the book Bored Of the Rings where one of the characters in that spoof is already preparing a surrender flag before the enemy even arrives.


One thing, both negative and positive, is the end of it. The negative is Bastila falling to the dark side after only three hours, but the reason just so choice!


Pick of the Week


The Second Fall of Darth Revan



KOTOR on Lehon: One betrayal causes her to fall.


Remember conversation breaks. That is the only writing negative I see in the story.


The piece is one that surprised me because while I am very conversant in the art of political betrayal, having someone actually use it was a new thing. I had always wondered about the aftermath of the first game because Revan is the symbol of all that carnage, and I can't see them kissing and making up.


So having them let her finish her mission, then eliminate her afterward is a perfectly viable option. Moving it up, having Carth execute her not after the Star Forge, but before makes some sense, but I am trying to picture a Carth who is a good enough actor to pretend he loves her until he can strike, and it just doesn't gel.


Still good work.


Pick of the Week



Arctick Child


TSL before Malachor V: Kreia contemplates what will happen when her most recent apprentice arrives


Set as question and answers, the piece is very striking. As Kreia commented before the meeting with the masters, she had never lied to the Exile. Just showed her the situation with her own pungent negative comments, leaving the player to make their own decision in everything from where they go next, to how to deal with her associates.


In my own Return From Exile at the end, I likened her teaching approach to the actual way you get a pig to go where you want him to. Poking him in the snout, which causes him to move toward you as if daring you to to it again, and stopping when he's where you want. This little piece fits very nicely in that.


The Force Unleashed What Really Happened

Marek Intan


Set in TFU One: It's all because of the pronunciation...


The piece surprised me, and it wasn't until Vader begins reacting negatively that I got the clue as to why. Cute, and very short. Not a pick, but you gotta read it for the whimsy alone.


Something Dark is Coming

Naamah Beherit


KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: She'd rather follow the dream


When I saw the name, I was unsure of the quality of the work. This is an International Site, and I have read works from a lot of places, and was ready to forgive a lot of errors made because maybe they don't speak and write English well.


First the Author is Polish, and second there was nothing to forgive, because the work is excellent; a dark view in a dream where she sees perhaps herself still holding to the memory of her mother regardless of what the Jedi wish of her. Her holding to the dream makes sense if your Revan is someone who has no memories before she awoke on Taris in the escape pod.


When I wrote my KOTOR novel (Genesis of a Jedi) I gave her full memories, even if they were someone else's. Because the idea that 'oh you've lost your memory, and it will never come back' has always bothered me. If I had lost all of mine, I would do everything I could to get them back. So telling me 'this is your life now' would not be an answer I would accept.


Best of the Week


Sigma Squad



Clone Wars on Geonosis: A mission goes too well...


The piece is well written. The only negative I had is the same one I had with the Republic Commando's game, which is the constant chatter from the 'adviser'. While the modern commo net used by the modern military is great when you need it, the one thing most noticed is the tendency to micromanage.


For centuries, all you could do as say the commander of a Regiment is send instructions to your Battalion commanders, then watch and hope for the best. Sometimes it goes wrong. Pickett's Charge occurred when the system broke down according to some reports. The advance had been ordered, but Lee noticed the center where they were aimed was too well defended. So he supposedly sent a messenger to tell them not to charge. The messenger was killed enroute, and 15,000 men marched into hell.


Here you have the other end of the spectrum. A modern regimental leader (If not a regimental combat team, which is a much larger unit) has 1500 men, and every officer is in that net. Instead of paying attention to the entire battle, you have someone paying attention down to the squad level, which is not good.


Last Stand



KOTOR Aboard the Star Forge: She just wants it to all end.


I was enthralled by the story, and remembered something Tolkien once said. After he finished the Lord of the Rings, people equated it to WWII, which was going on when he wrote it. His reply was that if he had been patterning it after that war, someone among the 'light side' parties would have used it, hoping they could win the war, then destroy it before he became the new Sauron.


A perfect example is nuclear weapons. Every major combatant during the war had people who could have developed them; most of the German and Italian scientists on the Manhattan Project were refugees from their native countries who didn't want the Axis to develop them first. So that particular genie was already pushing at the cork on his bottle long before Hiroshima.


Here we have someone who is not really Jedi, and not really Sith. But like the world during that time, just wants it to be over.


Pick of the Week

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Fall of the Sith

Story's Blade


Post ROTJ: Juno's new assignment is to transport a Jedi in search of the remaining Sith.


Remember to sight edit. You said the Sith would revive a trial, rather than receive one. Also the wording is something I would have expected from a Communist regime, getting a trial though you don't expect them to avoid execution.


You are also attributing the droid army of the Separatists to the Sith.


Technical note, 'Constructing a Droid Army': This doesn't make a lot of sense because to construct an army, you have to have factory to do so. What you would have instead is 'reactivating' a droid army. At the end of the Clone Wars, there were probably several billion droid troopers of the various models still operational, merely shutdown in place. However as much as Japanese Anime likes the idea of people throwing away fully operational robots, it is unlikely.


They would have first gathered them, then disarmed them, either removing or frying their cybernetic brains to assure they could not be reactivated accidentally. As an example, the armored vehicles of the Wehrmacht were driven to locations where their fuel and oil was drained, and their ammunition removed. In the intervening twenty odd years you would have had people stripping out parts, sending them through the shredders for reprocessing, etc. What you have here is the equivalent of Europe in 1966 with a single Neo-Nazi trying to recreate an SS Panzer division by plug and play after two decades of neglect.


While the basic idea is good, the idea that yet another Jedi fell to the dark side because they wouldn't give him a council seat is right up there with a Bishop becoming a satanist because he wasn't elected Cardinal.


For Love of A Jedi



KOTOR on Lehon: The confrontation between Bastila and Revan


The piece does a huge flashback to highlight the relationship between Revan and Bastila since Tatooine, and all of that is generic. Do not think of the term as a negative. Any scene where you have stock characters in a stock situation doing what would be anticipated is by definition generic. There is honestly no way an author can avoid such scenes.


Considering where chapter one ended, I was wishing I had time to read further, with six chapters yet to go.


Boring and Vengeful Days



TSL aboard Ravager: Why did they buy starcharts from Home Depot?


WM has a thing for Nihilus, and personalizes the character far beyond what you might expect. While the piece starts out like the normal comedic version, it segues rapidly into a serious situation, and everyone is worried that the joker who is their commander is suddenly serious.


Blood Seekers

Solus Tal'echoy


During Clone Wars: It takes one to hunt one


SW Actually has an alien race that might be considered the vampire; though it drinks the RNA from the brain leaving a vegetable if I remember correctly.


The only option to save the boy, by making him also a vampire, is a bit over the top.





Pre KOTOR: Bastila discovers why she is having problems...


Cloyed is linked to food pleasure or sensation, and is best defined as being glutted or bored, not sticking as I believe you tried to describe.


A number of the suggestions you make in the work are intriguing. That the threat that having your master die might kill you for example has some basis in fact for example. Having Bastila being confused and literally walking like a drunk the further she is from Revan suggesting the bond effects you in ways not described in the other works.


Some, however, I wondered about. You have taken Revan, and pretty much replaced him in the tank with Anakin Skywalker, physically intact except for the connections in his skull. With both legs gone at the knee, and his arm and internal injuries, it would make sense to implant sensors to make sure to monitor his bodies needs. But I cannot see most people replacing working body parts just to make himself more efficient.


Jedi Mysteries



TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Looking at the world from Atton's point of view


Remember conversation breaks. At one point you had three different people speaking in the same paragraph. This is confusing to the reader.


The piece has little rhyme not reason to it, you went to Nar Shaddaa it seems only so Atton can get into a shoot out, and as soon as that's over, run off to Dantooine where it's off to the Jedi Enclave to look for Vrook.


I remember the Laigreks from the game, and they irritated me. 'We have this insect predator fighting the character, but we need a bigger and badder one. I know, have them breath fire!'.


I can tell how much nature has followed that example. If I run into a fire breathing cat, I'll let you know.


Knights of the Old Republic The last Stand



Post TSL:


Remember to sight edit. You used were instead of we're, tiered (layered) instead of tired


You have the older woman address a general, so why did a lieutenant, and that one from Telos (Another planet entirely) reply? If Grenn had left Telos to command the militia of Dantooine, and several years having passed, why would he still be a lieutenant?


The basic premise put forward in the first paragraph doesn't have a lot of reason to it. The Jedi and Sith it seems have pretty much poisoned the well when it comes to having the people on their side, so why is the administrator even allowing two 'cloaked figures' to reenter the old enclave? And why are the two militia men willing to go with them?


Full Of Grace

Val Perham


Post TSL: The Exile returns to Dantooine after the climactic battle to say goodbye.


The only negative I had with the story is that you have the three men die in what is either summer or autumn, yet the bodies were not collected before her return. What with scavengers, local animals etc, this is a lot of high class protein laying around without being returned to the biological cycles.


The piece is one long paean of regrets. The things you might have said to someone when they leave your life into their own death that you wish you could take back. Even Vrook who spent most of TSL saying not one polite word about or to her had his good side, and Kavar is to my mind the worst because you feel betrayed and lash out in your pain, and can't take back what you had said and thought.


Pick of the Week


Mira's Last Job



Post TSL: Having put the idea of being a Jedi hopeful behind her, Mira finds it isn't that easy


Technical note: Remember that they didn't have a hyperspace motivator small enough to fit inside a fighter until over 4,000 years later, so having her travel from Nar Shaddaa to Kashyyk is not logical without a mother ship.


The situation is dire, and finding herself among the Wookie a bit of a nightmare for her, since she is judging the entire species by the way Hanharr acted. It doesn't help that the first one she meets on planet punched her out.


I found myself wanting to click the next chapter, but do not have time to follow it along. My primary negative is the idea that to Mira a few weeks would seem like years, concerning Kreia's prediction of her death.


Pick of the Week


Star Wars: The Best of the Best



Clone Wars two months after Geonosis:


Technical note; As much as most non military people think it might be a way to save money, stuffing your troops into pods until the next time you need them doesn't make any sense. One reason I say this is there is no sign I have seen in any of the Clone War Episodes of such facilities even on the ships.


Technical note, advising a General: The one thing you will notice through the Clone Wars is blind obedience on the part of the Clones. Senator Amidala, who has no military rank at all, is still immediately obeyed when she refuses to be evacuated, and instead orders the clone to accompany her. This is still very early in the war; the Jedi are dealing with soldiers who will do exactly what they are told and unlike a standard military, not even a Clone Sergeant is going to tell some normal human Butter bar what to do.


Too many ignore this when writing about the Clones, but Soldiers are human beings with just as many faults and good points as those who don't do their jobs, and the way junior officers learn how to do their job is a trained senior enlisted man teaching him.





TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Mira learns to listen...


When it comes to explaining the Force in the game, the scene is one of the best written. And well portrayed here.


Promise Me

Crystal Vice


Post TSL: With his beloved Exile dead. Atton has to do the hard part. He has to live up to the promise he made.


A rather stark bit. Going from himself broken in the dirt, to her dying in his arms, to him pretty much falling apart and having to put himself back together.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

My new computer decided to go belly up, and I had to send it to the factory, so for the next two weeks or so I had to dust off the old computer. Add to that doctor and man who buys aluminum (Pocket money) who both decided a day apart that My day is scheduled around them, not vice versa.


So I am late, and will be doing a double column to make up for it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The Alien's Heart

Dessmond Williams


TSL on Malachor V: One of the Exile's team makes a solo insertion, but why?


The piece had me confused because there is no logic to Bao-Dur going in alone. The fact that he was spotted on the way in didn't surprise me in the slightest.


Trouble in the Chaykin Cluster

Sev Fett of the cuy'val dar 10


Clone Wars era: Three teams board a derelict and find trouble


The piece was confusing since you jumped from scene to scene with little rhyme nor reason. Having one team split up is bad enough, but all three?


There's Something Behind Here



KOTOR AU Aboard Endar Spire: The sole survivor is not who we thought it was...


The piece was fun because as the main character comments constantly, 'you're always saying there's something there, but you haven't been right yet'. Having Trask, who is pretty much a dweeb survive when the main character doesn't is a nice twist.


Life Switch: KotOR Styles

Jessica Salvatore-Waldorf


KOTOR on Endar Spire: A young girl ends up in the game.


It's been a while since I read one of these 'Earth- Human enters the game' stories, and this one was fun. The constant 'you're boring, don't talk to me' to Trask, treating Carth as a long lost friend and the 'oh this part is boring' you'd expect from someone who has played the game umpteen times.


Fraternising with the Enemy



Clone Wars: A commando finds someone interesting to talk to


Technical note, force fields: From what have been shown in the movies and TV shows, a force field will act as a wall, but it is not something you could brace against. It would automatically repel the foreign object, in this case a person, or burn them, as Atton mentioned in TSL. It would be like leaning into an electric fence.


I loved your description of the rations. In my own Genesis of a Jedi I described them as something that had every necessary nutrients, but palatable was not part of their design.


A pity it stopped after the first chapter, the situation was getting good.


So Not My Problem



KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: What part of 'not my problem' is everyone having a problem with?


Luckily I had to pour more coffee halfway through, otherwise I would have inundated my keyboard. The piece was funny from the first line, starting with how Trask is suddenly the main character's roommate (Which was a riot by itself), to having Trask accused (Guess who?) of passing codes to the Sith, and having a teddy bear which was really a bomb.


29 Chapters, and I wish I could read them all.


Pick of the Week


A Second Chance for the Fallen



KOTOR From Start to finish concentrating on Carth and Revan


The piece had a nice flow to it until suddenly Darth Revan has returned, yet ending with the Star Forge destroyed. I can't see Carth trusting her at the end, since four characters (Juhani, Jolee, Mission and Bastila) would have had to die to reach it.





No specific time given: A falling out between crewmembers


The piece was very interesting because it's what a captain faces even today; someone out to make more than they can legally, and assuming their bosses are too stupid to figure it out.


The story is very well written, the situations believable. Dumping the transgressor on the planet, then dumping the spice in space is perfectly understandable.


What Shines Through



KOTOR AU: The whole scene has changed...


The piece was very confusing from the outset. Having the new Darth Bad Guy dressed as if a Sand Person of Tatooine, the hero trying to redeem her admitting even in his mind that the Sith offered something the Jedi did not. Characters have been moved around as if plug and play, along with situations.


Echoes of the Force



TFU Ultimate Sith edition on Hoth: Penetrating the base isn't easy...


Wording was a bit cumbersome, but I discovered the author is from Sri Lanka. The day I can write a coherent story in Sinhala or Tamil, I'll give this kid flak about it.


The scenes in chapter one are a bit confusing. I cannot run the game on my computer, and because of that, I wonder how much is the game and how much is the author.


Technical note, Vehicle size: I will have to check, but 25 meters (about eighty feet for those you not into metrics) is a bit tall in my opinion. The Wookipedia actually gives a height of 22.5 meters, about ten feet shorter.


Technical note, Wildlife: This I think is actually the game designers fault. In real life, when you put down a hidden base, most wildlife will avoid it, especially the larger predators, which Wampa definitely are. This scene on Earth would be like this:


Captain Courageous is attempting to slip unnoticed into the base of the Evil Empire which has been hidden in a series of natural caverns in the Alps. He finds himself fighting hordes of Wolves in a series of unoccupied caves attached to the base...


First, if the caves connect and you do have a wolf lair that close, assuming the wolves are stupid, you would have almost constant attacks. The Rebels would have dealt with it simply; send in troops, have barbeque that evening. So there would be no wolves to menace the hero.


Technical note, punishment: Considering that Keenah had been newly assigned as his liaison, killing him this early is a bit over the top. The man had barely gotten a chance to make one mistake.


Star warring Across the Universe Part I

Romantic Pessimist


Pre KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The new crew comes aboard, then sets sail for danger.


Two things struck me as odd, and I will address them below.


Technical note, the Lecher: In any military that has both men and women serving together, you will have them, but the timing was wrong. There is a standard military procedure for new arrivals aboard a ship, and while he might be hanging around when the new people arrive, he isn't going to be stupid enough to make his play right after they arrived. Later in the mess hall, berthing area or a passageway where they are alone, maybe. Right there right before they get the 'welcome aboard, here's your berthing assignments', no.


Carth before departing: While an officer might be worried about evacuating, the old term 'never let them see you sweat' applies. He's not going to look panicked, though a bit worried fits.


Other than that, the piece flowed very well. Having your own version of Trask works well, and being a total newbie was a nice touch.





TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Turnabout is fair play...


The piece was funny from the start, getting tickled leads to retaliation, and in a way I didn't really expect.




Pick of the Week


The Prodigy



TSL on Dantooine: Mical meets someone who might help with his research


The piece is too short to really get a good grip on it. We know from the intro blurb who he is speaking to, but having her working on Dantooine doesn't make a lot of sense.


A Silent Awakening

Princess Ashira


Pre TSL: The Exile gets a reprieve.


The piece is all introspection until the end. What I didn't understand is who the killer was, and if he merely missed his target, or killed whom he intended?


The trial was confusing for both the character and myself. They automatically assumed she had killed the boy, and being unable to communicate, it gets worse.


Four chapters long, and I so wanted to just keep reading...


Pick of the Week


Black Disc'ed

Requiem for the World


Pre KOTOR: A young man will end up in the game


Primary negative, you jumped from first person to third and back again. But that is an editing problem.


Considering some of the teachers I had in High school, back when dinosaurs still ruled the Earth, I felt for the character. My science teach got ticked at me because reading a lot of science fiction, I blindsided him with accurate conversion of metric values to English. Got a C-minus in that class...


As for how well you did, for a first work it's pretty good.


Pandora's Box



Pre KOTOR: A fugitive carries something incredibly valuable, and is being pursued even as he feels safe


Only real negative. The story of Pandora is linked to Earth, though since the readers are humans of that world, it's not that big a ding.


The piece is reminiscent of Ludlum's better spy work. The main character has something of great value, and flees to deliver it. The enemy however is much smarter than he realizes.


I especially liked the reaction, as the main character is not human. In H. Beam Piper's Naudsonce you have a first contact between humans and an alien species where their auditory system is so unlike human hearing, that things we would consider merely odd are like drugs with one sound. Piper created a 'this is how to teach our language' system I really enjoyed, and having everyone they speak to pronounce the words differently was a quick WTF moment.


So having him not like the sound of a human woman laughing was a nice twist.


The Force Unleashed III

Adam Patterson


Author's creation of TFU III: When the resurrected Starkillr escapes, the Emperor comes up with a cunning plan to end the Rebellion.


Technical note, terminology: A cyborg is part machine, part human. A clone is by definition, a living being. Vader for is example, is a cyborg, whereas Captain Rex from the Clone wars, is not.


Technical note, Cloning Jedi: More likely it is because you might not have checked the wookipedia or read the EU, but Jedi have been successfully cloned. The Emperor several times, a Jedi master of the Pre-Imperial Republic, and Luke Skywalker just to name the ones I know of for sure.


The piece is intriguing in that poor Garen is to become a pawn yet again.


Scars of Memory



Post KOTOR on Coruscant: Revan deals with her scattered memories in the touch of her love


The piece is a soft look at nightmares, from Nihilus to a random attack by bounty hunters. Well done.


A Message to those under Order 66



During Clone Wars: A General faces his death


The piece was a bit confusing, but the way battles are laid out in the SW universe, that is usually the case; taking a single squad and placing them in a bad position from the start.


The calm the general has facing his death is surprising. I think knowing you can die at any moment in a war merely makes some people thank their gods when their time comes.


Star Wars Anakin's Accident Chapter 1



Specific movie not set: Anakin has a bad day


The piece is thoroughly confusing. From having Anakin have the Princess who is actually his daughter hanging all over him, to two people dying because he can't seem to control his lightsaber. By the end honestly I was more confused then I was when it began.


Jag ti naysol kad aue



Tale told of the events on Taris: The name in Mando'a fits him perfectly


It's surprising when a story suddenly reminds you of your deep dark past. Back when dinosaurs still ruled the Earth, there was a newly minted game named Dungeons and Dragons. I started playing about a year after it came out, and was soon a Dungeon-Master (Oh, very scary).


I was at a convention and had a tossed together team going into a game. When they introduced their characters, their lead warrior was running two, the stereotypical Conan type, and his caddy. I wondered, a caddy? I found out why very shortly, in fact their very first battle, when the warrior turned, and began to have a two way discussion between the player and the caddy. I had noticed the golf bag (Frankly, when you say he's your caddy and he is wheeling around a fancy golf bag, who wouldn't?)


After a couple of battles, I started to play to the bit. While the pair were arguing about which sword to use (No, sir. This is obviously a par seven shot, so I would suggest the number 8) I had his opponent standing there, checking his watch, commenting on how he had a dinner date with the captured Princess, and he really wanted this over with, when the Caddy drew a sword out (Number 4, I remember) skewered the bad guy with a lethal stroke, then turned back to the discussion while the others now stood around, looked at their watches, commenting that the Princess sounded hot, and if they didn't hurry, she would have left the restaurant before they arrived...


Best of the Week


The Mirror

Elwin Ransom


Post TSL: The work to rebuild the order goes on even as the Republic goes on the offensive


The piece tended to meander a bit. At the end the author commented on extended writer's block, and I can see this was an attempt to jump start the process again.


The Grand Master comes off as a wimp unable to figure out where to take the new order, which is understandable since there are, at this time only five Jedi remaining.


Star Wars The Old Republic: No Rest for the Wicked

Jaicer Reed


SWTOR: An assigned assassination goes awry


You have a problem with run-on paragraphs. Remember that a paragraph is supposed to put across one expanded idea, so they tend to be between three and five sentences long. You also need sight editing and spell checking. Payed in the context you used should have been paid.


The first chapter really didn't do it for me. Jaicer is a little too abrupt with the drunk, since in most cases you can end such a confrontation without bloodshed, and is inconsistent in dealing with his target. Unless told specifically not to kill the Duros, his leaving him not only alive but capable of pursuit made no sense.


It's not too late

Alice Shadowrunner01


Six years Post TSL: It's never too late


A depressing piece but the author warned us. Every person who has screwed up their relationships feels this way, and it isn't too late if you're willing to try.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Revan's Beginning



Pre Mandalorian Wars: Kreia find the boy Revan as a child


Remember to sight edit, you used improper words and sometime improper tenses such as looked as the bruised and cuts.


Technical note, Stealth equipment: I am mentioning it here, but this is actually a diatribe against the gaming system itself. One negative I have with the devices is that such equipment would have been of great use during the Clone war of 4,000 years later. But you don't see anything remotely like them. Like personal shields, they were something added by people who have played a lot of fantasy RPGs where you can add on 'magical' armor until you are well nigh invincible.


A number of weapons used by troops during wars do end up going home with them rather than being returned, but it's because the person who was issued that equipment is either dead, or ended up in hospital and they lost track of it. A stealth field generator has too many criminal uses for local law enforcement to turn a blind eye to them, just as having machine guns in the hands of rival street gangs. The police would make a habit of confiscating such equipment on sight. But in the game you have people walking in and picking them up at the equivalent of the local five and dime.


The basic problems I had with the story were two fold. The first was your description of Deralia. Someone would have had to build a world encompassing city, and the people you show in charge of it don't seem to be the type to go to such effort.


What you have here is more like Modern day Zimbabwe. Back when it was still named Rhodesia, you had a backbone of Europeans who had settled there in the late 18th Century who spent the time and effort to create the infrastructure. When The Whites accepted majority rule in 1979, it was originally promised that they could stay, but they were forcibly ejected within just a few years. So you have all of the infrastructure, without the people who can keep it running, as you can see by the present economic problems that nation has had since then.


The other is Revan himself. You have a child two years younger than Anakin in the Phantom Menace, with even more emotional baggage than Anakin did, yet the Jedi are going to accept him?



As a first work, it's not too shabby beyond what I have mentioned above.


Knights Of The Old Republic



KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Our story begins


Remember conversation breaks. Think of a story as a drive from where ever you are to another destination. There will be problems, maybe a wreck to force you onto another road, but you will get there eventually. However when you forget conversation breaks, you put unnecessary speed bumps in the reader's path, causing unnecessary complications.


Remember also to sight edit. You used improper words, such as final instead of finally, or raze (Destroy) instead of raise (Lifting) a weapon. Also, a melee weapon is a class of weapon, not a specific weapon type. A club or your fists are both melee weapons, as is a sword.


Technical note: Unless your shuttles and assault craft have the frequency of the shield, it would be like punching through a brick wall with a car. The shields have to be down before they can assault the ship. Note that in the Clone Wars movie, Anakin couldn't land his rattle trap on the ship, and it wasn't until they dropped the shield over the landing bay that the Droid fighters were able to attack into the ship.


After noticing the errors above, I checked your profile. All of what I mentioned is something further writing and editing will cure readily. As Elizabeth Moon commented in one of her books, you don't get good at making bread by making a loaf, you get good by making a lot of bread. The one thing I felt was good is unlike the game and most of the authors, you gave the main character memories of the past.


As Small Stars Fly Back Home



Post TSL: The heroes return from the Unknown Regions, but things have changed


The piece was fun primarily because the biggest change is that Revan has been replaced in Carth's heart, which I assumed because the first reaction to hearing of the engagement is her decision to sell her apartment.


A very well done piece of 11 chapters. I wish I could read further.


Pick of the Week


Over and Over Again

Alice Shadowrunner01


Pre KOTOR to the beginning of TSL: The Exile's life is shown


The piece is better than the last one I reviewed. My biggest problem is that if you are plotting rebellion against the order, you're either A; sounding out the other person before saying it aloud, or B; adding that person to your 'little list' to be eliminated when the day comes. So having Malak tell her about their plot then allowing her to leave makes no sense. If nothing else, it is likely she might have told the Council about their plans.


I did like the 'bra and panties with high boots' scene.



Bill The Bard


Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: The end comes as the Exile triggers the device


The piece needs some editing, since you changed tenses twice during it. A minor problem easily corrected.


The primary problem I had with this work is the idea that Revan had already fallen to the darkness and staged this battle only to kill off those who would not follow. It is a recurring theme I will admit, but it would be very difficult to arrange. Especially when all she had to do is withdraw those she could for the plot to fail.


That being said, the sense of betrayal is very well done, and the feeling of all the people dying also well done.



From Pen to Paper


Scene from TFU: As his body lays there, Galen struggles to free himself and return to Juno


The piece is excellently done. The idea that he is laying there, feeling every indignity, knowing that he will die because they merely think he's another clone.


Pick of the Week


Her Last Smile

From Pen to Paper


TFU on an unnamed planet: They die as they had lived, together


The piece is sad, that the last thing they can share is their deaths.


Pick of the Week


Tharissa Sharran

Jack Hawthorne


Set it SWTOR: A Jedi fights to save the younglings


Remember to sight edit. There were times you shifted tenses, or used the wrong word. Nothing major.


The Piece was tightly written, the characters believable. The fight scene was well done, and the ending perfect.


Second Chance

Ardent Flame


KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: He's willing to take the chance


The piece is a bit of fun, pretty much every love story has a scene like it, but it was cute.



From Pen to Paper


Dark side ending to TFU II: What does he have to look forward to?


The piece is an unrelieved darkness with nothing to hope for, nothing to do but his duty to his master. Very depressing.


Of the Sacrifice



Remember to sight edit, you used rabble, which is a group of people, rather than a mode of conversation.


The only negative I felt with the first chapter was that when Bastila should be freeing herself from the collar, she is still merely observing. In my own Genesis of a Jedi, I described my perception of how the collar works, and what I felt would have been necessary to circumvent it.


Of the Fall

Mister Buch


Originally reviewed at Kotorfanmedia 25 May 2012. However that site is now defunct, and I am not sure the author ever received the review.


Vignettes within KOTOR: Revan's reborn rise and fall are seen through the eyes of the others.


The piece is a series of snapshots from the minds of her crew. From the worried but light view of her originally on Taris to the final confrontation. with Carth. While every change was a bit confusing, it took only moments to understand who was speaking, and their views were unique. It is a well done albeit sad testament.


Reposted Pick of the Week from kotorfanmedia

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Mandalorian's Mind

Spartan Commando


Era muddled. Suggests it is during APM: A young Mando'a is gifted with a precious secret.


Remember to sight edit. You used improper grammar (There instead of their for example) and some of the sentence structure needs polishing.


Mainly because of the muddling, I was confused. It suggests it is during TOR, though your own statement says it is much later. I can't see the Jedi of Obi Wan's time casting out a hopeful because of his lineage, though.


Prisoner of the Dark Lord



Pre KOTOR AU: Bastila becomes Revan's prisoner


The primary negative I have is Malak using torpedoes rather than lasers for his attack, which, from the military viewpoint, is rather stupid. With energy weapons, the first you know they are targeted at you is when the energy hits your ship or shields. Whereas missiles of any kind have a flight time between launch and impact. Using an example of modern day weaponry:


A surface battle group led by USS Vincennes is attacked by a Russian fleet built around the Kirov. As a small assault team boards the cruiser, the Destroyer Arleigh Burke, disdaining her 5” cannon, fires two Tomahawks at the cruiser. The radar system detects the missiles at launch, and the CIWS fires, destroying the missiles in flight well clear of the ship.


If they had used the cannon, the shells would have impacted before the ship even knew they had been fired.


The other negative, not as major in my mind is the piecemeal destruction of Malak rather than merely killing him.


The piece is a very interesting turn of the event with Revan almost a gentle captor.


TFU The Survival of Starkiller



Light side ending of TFU 1: The final battle between Starkiller and the Emperor.


The piece was confusing, primarily because it seemed to have no focus. I have never played TFU, but the battle scene was trite and poorly constructed. The ending, with the Emperor sucked into space might have made sense if the viewport were glass, but you have to remember that it is supposed to be transparisteel, meaning something a lot harder than simple window pane glass.


The Last Mission

Ruler of Space


Last battle of TFU II: Starkiller must face his teacher for the last time


Having never played the game, I am unsure how closely this work follow it. If it does, then I am appalled by the fact that the creators couldn't come up with anything in the continuing confrontations beyond a saber lock.


As a friend at the Renaissance Pleasure Faire pointed out in the stage combat class, there are scenes that look good, but make no sense in real life. The final confrontation in Highlander where they stand pressing the foible (The most easy to move portion of the sword) pushed together, because all you have to do is disengage, rotate under, and strike.


Another is a saber lock. What you have is two people who have descended to the level of two kids pushing each other on the playground. It is something the stronger of the two will automatically win, and I mean stronger of arm rather than the Force.


The scenes follow each other, but again, no sense. Vader confronts, Starkiller remembers or hears something, then he's alone to go on to yet another confrontation.


Kotor: Shadows of the past



No specific era given: An assassin goes on to his next mission


Remember to sight edit, you had a character nood instead of nod, and used improper grammar (there as in location, instead of their, meaning personal) for example.


Also remember conversation breaks. Picture your story as a river the reader is floating down. Without conversation breaks, you hit white water almost immediately,. And the reader is sometimes required to go back and reread a section to be sure who is talking.


Some of the scenes made no sense. If you are confronting someone about money, you either walk up with your weapon holstered, or ready to fight. You would not be pounding on the table with your rifle for the simple reason that if you're hitting a table with it, you are not aiming it.


Also assassins are rarely paid to confront their target for what could be defined as a 'fair' fight. You could have easily had him shoot him from ambush, which would still get you paid.


Hell Can Swim

The Hark-ness monster


KOTOR on Manaan: The guy from the locker tells his story


The piece is a dry recitation, but amusing in it's own way. The man in the locker who we never even met gets saved, but is he really sane even now?


Ner Vod, My Hero



Technical note: Raiding the droid factory makes some sense, but doing it for evidence of complicity does not. As an example, when PET Beauregard opened fire on Fort Sumter, the Union did not need evidence of a revolt in progress, the cannon firing was enough.


Technical the Battle (Singular) of Geonosis: According to the Wookipedia, there was only one battle on the planet.


Putting a shot into the cockpit of an aircraft or space craft is not going to cause it to catch fire. So having it explode made no sense.


Since I am sure I have heard the name Fixer given to another Delta Squad Clone, I was confused that he died in the opening battle.


Notes From Exile



TSL: Note on who picked which lightsaber and why


The piece had some problems, mainly needing sight editing, you had the Jedi horde (Mass of people) instead of hoarding information for example.


It is interesting that the primary thing she links everything to is the Jedi's weapon, rather than the personalities.


Divergent Destiny

Bill the Bard


KOTOR AU: Carth Onasi is saved by an unknown woman


Actually the story played well. It is possible the woman who rescued him is actually Revan merely going about what she now believes is her life, but if so we didn't see it in chapter one.


Which makes me wish I could keep reading...


Pick of the Week





Pre TSL on Malachor V: Lord Niihilus in full cry


Compared the other work by the same author, this is a definite switch. Instead of the lovable zany portrayed before, you suddenly have the Lord of Hunger.


After the Trial



KOTOR on Manaan: Revan deals with being the one who executed Sunry


The piece has a lot going for it, and I felt for the author in having a writer's block at the end.


In the US, we've separated justice from the execution because of our worries about the sensibilities of the people, and almost always because we don't want to horrify the children. It used to be that when a criminal was executed everyone was usually required to be there as a moral lesson. 'This person did this, this is how we deal with it'.


The only negative I had with the story was the idea of having her actually set up the mechanism for the execution, but direct participation is part of the justice system in other countries and other times. There is an old Sicilian saying, 'the only way to wash away blood is to shed more blood'. As an example, if a woman was raped back in Celtic times, when the man was executed, the executioner in his last act would take blood from the man, and smear it on her face; you have shed blood, this blood cleans it away.


Pick of the Week



Veni Vidi Vichi


Post TSL: The Exile tries for a perfect get away


I liked the piece. Having Atton figure it out before she does was well done, and his way to assure she didn't leave without him nicely done.

Link to comment
Share on other sites


This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.

  • Create New...