machievelli Posted September 19, 2014 Author Share Posted September 19, 2014 Sorry for the delay; the site here was down when I came to post on Tuesday, and I wasn't bright enough to check back Through The Eyes of The Exile Yassen275 Right before and during the Mandalorian Wars: Introspection by the Exile This is an interesting take on the Exile and his capabilities. The idea that his strength with Force bonds is more like a recorder so he can visit the memories of those men he led. The scene where he is dismantling his lightsaber using just the Force was a nice touch. Wish I could read on. Pick of the Week KotOR Oneshots of the Random Variety Jedi.Knight.of.Geekdom Post KOTOR: Carth's dreams are tied to the woman he loves I read the first of three, and was enthralled. Had She fallen again? Or is it what he fears? Pick of the Week Last Man on the Squad AzureSpider TESB On Hoth: The last two survivors of both Delta and Omega Squads from the Clone Wars fight their last battle together. The piece needs editing, primarily the battle scenes, where things run together, or are poorly laid out. The basic story line is excellent. Question; the Original clones live twice as fast as normal humans. That means both of the main characters here are physically in their sixties. There are few soldiers who are still on the front line at that age. Beginning of the End Shadows Of The Storm Pre Mandalorian Wars: One of their last happy moments. Remember to sight edit; you used the word doge (As in the man in charge of Venice) instead of dodge. And you had light reflect on the Offshoot's face. The scene and situation were well thought out, laid out, and performed Pick of the Week Changing Worlds From Pen to Paper Post TFU II: Juno has problems when Galen comes back from the dead The piece is stark, her emotions well laid out. The biggest problem with MIAs from wars has always been, what do they do if the man comes back? Juno's emotional stability is being tossed like a ship in a storm. Can it be expanded? Oh my yes. You've left her in conflict, which is always a bad way to go in a story. Never Say Goodbye Tara Seline Post TSL: Reunited, the Exile and Atton have some catching up to do. The piece was a bit of fun, and the reunion sweet. For Death And Glory Phygmalion Pre Mandalorian Wars: Following Canderous Ordo after Cathar Slight problem, you forgot conversation breaks several times. I think it was the creative juices were flowing, so it's minor. You also misspelled particle. I liked some of the modifications you made; the cockpits on the Basilisks for fighting in the asteroid belt for example, but I disagree somewhat with the attitude of your Mandalorians. If you want to understand what I mean, read my own Family of Choice. The Fall of Duro: A Battle of the Mandalorian Wars Phygmalion Mandalorian Wars: The Mandalorians attack the planet Duro. Technical note, Squadron size: While most sci fi writers stick with the standard 12-24 aircraft to a squadron (David Weber for example create six craft squadrons in his Stars at War series) Few call what would be several wings of aircraft a squadron. Technical note, the 'old fashioned way': I understand the desire to get up close and personal in battle, but disdaining ranged weapons in comparison to hand or melee weapons rarely happens. The Japanese when they did a Banzai charge still fired their rifles until close enough to use the bayonet. Russian and Chinese human wave charges worked by arming half of them, and giving the other have ammunition. The idea being when a man with a firle fell, you could pick it up and reload. Watch the scene with the charge at the start of Enemy at the Gates. The only group I can think of that did this kind of thing were the plains Indians, and when they did it, they also usually left their target alive. Your comment that they placed military stations near cities because the enemy would be unwilling to inflict civilian casualties doesn't make sense. There are too many examples of sacks of cities even after they had surrendered. Look at Dresden, one of the cities singled out by Hap Arnold for what he himself described as terror bombing; one of the charges leveled at senior Luftwaffe officers during the Nuremberg Trials as war crimes when they carpet bombed English cities. Or Curtis LeMay who ordered the firebombing of Japanese cities because of their habit of decentralized manufacture of parts for the military. In my own Genesis of a Jedi, Chapter 16: Kashyyk: Problems upon arrival, I mentioned that in a war against a warrior society, the best way to avoid unnecessary civilian casualties is to relocate defensive systems away from the population. If you only defend targets of military value to you, the civilians, while deserving of some protection, would be less likely to be fired upon. What you have the Republic doing is using their own populace as human shields, something Saddam did when Clinton suggested leveling all of the Presidential Palaces. He filled them with civilians on the news and dared Clinton to attack. Again, a war crime under modern international law. You are my Life, Bastila! Birthofthecool KOTOR from Lehon to Coruscant: Revan has to help his love heal The style is stilted, with odd spacing. You also forget quotation marks in most of the piece. But you are also German, and I don't know how proficient you are in English; when I can write a proper story in Deutch I will complain further The Talk flooj9235 KOTOR on Dantooine: She tries to ask for her love to be returned, but it goes so badly The piece does end abruptly, but all of the feelings are there. At this point, of course, our Revan does not know that Bastila is speaking of her. KOTOR: The Fate of Revan Iceandfire66 Post KOTOR: The crew looks at going their own ways The piece needs polishing. You would call your crew together, not the people you travel with for example. The idea that a warrior, with as many years as Canderous has been doing the job being nauseated by something he would no doubt have seen on a battle field is a bit unbelievable. The atrocity HK describes has been done by men throughout history, and for even less reason. MIA That guy83 Clone Wars on Kashyyk: When you think about it; being missing means you don't really exist any more. The piece is short and disjointed, but the ending made up for it. If I were sick of being in a war, and I were suddenly at the edge of an encampment where I am not personally known, with hundreds of people who look exactly like me, and every one of them believing you if you say you were sent say to Coruscant... I can think of nowhere better to hide. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 22, 2014 Author Share Posted September 22, 2014 Before the Journey From Pen to Paper Clone Wars: The parents of Galen before his birth The primary negative I had with the piece is that not every Jedi would have gone off to the war. In our modern military for example, you have a 20:1 ratio in what I call teeth to tail; there are 20 people in support positions for every one soldier in the field. If you look at the accepted Jedi classes (Switching to RP terms) you have two groups, Sentinels and Guardians, who would make up the primary soldiers from the Jedi, and even there, the Sentinels would be the lower end. If you delete this story, sobeit. But it was an interesting read. The Sacrifices Claimed by Victory TwixtNightAndMorn Three years post KOTOR: They find each other again, but too late The piece is poignant and sad. The idea that it took him three years to build up the nerve to confront her personally is part of that problem, though his comment that he left her where he thought she would be safe made little sense. Absolution TwixtNightAndMorn Post KOTOR: The one person who cannot forgive her is herself The idea that Revan would choose suicide as an option is not new. But the look into her mind as she carries out that decision is good. Pick of the Week Savior Gwendolyn Rogan TSL on Malachor V: As she dies, she looks back not with regret, but remembrance She's done it again. The piece, what I had time for was stunning. Every bit of the scene is etched in my mind with the color the author put into it. Best of the Week https://www.fanfiction.net/s/6952777/1/Shadow-s-Discovery Shadow's Discovery Shadows Of The Storm Pre Mandalorian Wars: Tyla gets a gift that makes her wonder who and what she is. The piece is an interesting addition to the body of the author's work. The idea that there is more hidden in her past than has been mentioned. Like her I wonder who exactly sent it, and why now? Final moments Mr. Zeek Present tense nicely done, but remember some things are still past, getting there soon should have been sooner. Remember conversation breaks. I fail as often as anyone in this regard, but remember to sight edit, which would vorrect most of the problems I mentioned above. The piece gives us a glimpse of that all too brief fight we know happened. The one thing we rarely see in the Star Wars visual representations is the close in melee style battles except Jedi vs Sith. The one thing that bothered me in the games is the 'cortosis weave'. If you look at the Wookiepedia or the expanded universe, cortosis disrupts a lightsaber blade by making it feed back until it shuts down. Why didn't they use Phrik, which is actually resistant to the blade? Return to Life Rosabell Post TSL: A visitor to Dantooine will set the scene At least the first chapter of the piece is that 'calm before the storm' you have in disaster movies. It was interesting how the author had opened not one but several academies in the intervening years, and assigned the New Jedi teachers in such a manner to cover them all. The dreams were very interesting, and the scene segueing into 'something is coming' was well done. My favorite part? Instead of using the hackneyed 'I have a bad feeling about this', the author had Mira say, 'I don't feel good about this', which is at least unique. Not much, but fun. Revan's Rise Plasmaburn Pre Mandalorian Wars: Kreia finds the boy Revan A nicely done piece. The only negatives I had was the idea that a four year old boy would have a hut. If the animosity of the person Kreia had interrogated regarding him had been the norm for the village (The idea that he hasn't been taken in by a family suggests it is) some one would have driven him off, or stripped it for their own use. In such a society, it would make more sense for the boy to have emulated Newt from the movie Aliens; a burrow into some space in say a collapsed building to use as a nest. If you get a chance, read the section in my own Genesis of a Jedi (Chapter 13, Sasha) when Mission finds the space my version of Sasha was using as her nest. The other is the confidence. If you watch Newt in the movie mentioned, she isn't confident, even though she knows Ripley and the others are not aliens. She is a terrified little bundle fleeing at a moment's notice. There Is No Hope SenZ TOR: A hard fought campaign comes down to a battle of attrition Remember to sight edit, and remember your tenses. It is present tense to say a sniper doesn't get a clear aim, but the sentence previous had been past tense. A minor problem, but sight editing is made to find such. First, I cannot see comparing Eriadu to Coruscant; it is like comparing Allentown Pennsylvania to New York. The situation appears grim, and I wish I were able to read further. Here at least we don't have a handful attempting to conquer an entire planet. A Glimpse of Light MarshMella Pre ANH TFU: Juno gets a chance to meet her new commander The piece flowed well, but considering what you had commented about adjusting the dialogue, I am not sure how much is yours. I have not played The Force Unleashed because the premise bothers me, and up until recently I did not have a system able to play it. But the intro chapter was funny, with each trying to be more prickly than the other. Kotor Talk: Revan's Journey 13thProtector Post TSL: A talk show with alternating crickets Remember to check the wording by sight editing. You had HK47 say he was cohered (Forming together) rather than coerced. Unfortunately I was unable to read beyond chapter one. But that was fun enough so don't let that stop you. Star Wars Kotor Seranna's Story darkgriffon4321 PreKOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The heroine has some downtime Remember to sight edit. You made a mistake right off the bat when you said dose (give an amount) instead of does. Also, remember conversation breaks. While the ones I noticed in the introduction were not that confusing, it's like throwing up roadblocks without a reason to a reader. Another thing, you used 'sides' as a shortening of besides more than once unnecessarily in a paragraph. Basically an intro into the story itself, and actually quite a good one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted September 28, 2014 Author Share Posted September 28, 2014 Formless: Prologue Msficwriter Two centuries before Faceless: The genesis of a god? The piece was interesting because what is known or surmised about any god is pure speculation, from form to wants and needs. Worth a look. Those Who Trespass Against Us Greengrass1914 Originally reviewed at kotofanmedia 12 May 2012. That review is below PreKOTOR Aboard Leviathan: Saul Karath assists in recruiting one new Sith Hopeful The piece is well done, showing both the degradation of the survivors, and the crew's distaste in dealing with them. Karath comes across both avuncular, and insulting to Dustil, and it is his actions that finally drives Dustil into the arms of the Sith. His rationalization; that he saved Carth's son sounds a little forced. Reposted Pick of the Week from kotorfanmedia As Long as She Lives MarshMella TFU After Death Star: He worries, but not about what she thinks The piece is basically a generic 'what do I do if I lose you' piece. Don't feel to bad about the term generic; it merely means you took a stock scene with a few embellishments of your own. Well done. Dead Man's Memories Lliskio TFU: One clone of Starkiller watches another clone comfort Juno. Who is the luckier one? The piece has a nice twist to it; two clones of Starkiller; one taking up his life where it ended, another sickened by the idea. It is an interesting dichotomy; both are the same man with the same memories, but one embraces them, the other abhors them. Pick of the Week Coming Home JediTears09 TSL after Malachor: She had finally found home A fluffy little piece with just the Exile and Atton The Path of Undertaking Sunflwr TSL on Peragus: The adventure begins Written in second person, the piece has us standing outside of the players on stage, Not used very often, but well done here. Hell Is Others Reliquary Post KOTOR: Hell really is other people, but why should you care? The piece was amusing because all of the people sent into hell with Revan seem to spend more time bickering and getting filled in on what happened after they died rather than tormenting their victim, though until the end, she was more amused than anything else. What Lies in Truth From Pen to Paper TFU: Only now does he know the truth Remember to sight edit. You forgot to finish some sentences, and used some words (confided instead of confined) that made no sense. The piece has a nice feel to it, Starkiller again falling into Vader's trap. Legacy of Dustil LocketStar14126 KOTOR on Tatooine: A brisk little dust up brings two people together I liked the first chapter a lot; the main character spent more time kicking butt and taking names more than anything else, and needed little assistance in that regard. The fight itself was contrived, but was well laid out and chronicled. It's one of those stories I really wanted to read all the way through. Pick of the Week His Place MarshMella TFU after Kamino: Juno finally discovers why Galen is so worried The piece is well done, the subject very clear. The emotions are clean cut. As for your question about children, The genes that make you a Jedi logically would have to be recessive. The largest number quoted so far for actual Jedi was around 10,000. In my own Return From Exile, chapter 32, I postulated that they were so rare, that only one in a billion could be Jedi. As an Earthly example, the rarest hair color on the planet is a natural redhead, and to make it even more rare, the rarest eye color/hair color combination is red and blue, less than 1% of the population. If you also add in being left handed (10%) that would be approaching how rare they would be. But that would leave us over 70 million people on Earth right now, which is not even a close order of approximation of how many Jedi there would be, since we don't know much more than we, the authors have created. I also postulated that what makes you a Jedi or Sith is not whether you are capable, it is A: whether someone who can train you is close enough to register your use of the Force, and B: you are young enough to train if that person is a Jedi, since there is a cutoff date on their own experiences before becoming Jedi which has never been codified. Anakin was considered too old at nine, and the proper age never stated. Not that some authors haven't tried. I had one that stated categorically that all Jedi were taken as babies, causing me to ask when they were going to add Jedi Babysitter to the list of character classes... Pick of the Week Force Unleashed: Nomi Marek Sonny23 TFU With a twist: Starkiller goes on her first mission Remember to sight edit. You wrote 'defend her in special areas' which doesn't make a lot of sense without completing the thought. Also remember capitalization. A squadron name is always capitalized. Except for the mentions above, it was a well done piece. In fact I found out that the author has written several more stories I have not reviewed for some reason, so expect a lot more from her... Pick of the Week Mission and Revan, A Match Made in Heavan Sonny23 KOTOR after the Star Forge: Female Revan... And Mission? I review the stories as I come to them, and while lucasforums does not allow slash, a lot of sites do. This is definitely slash, and soft core at that. So while I reviewed it, clicking on the link is your decision. After all, I believe you can refuse to click on it. Bad Influence Sonny23 TSL After climactic battle with Traya: Too much of a good thing... Force bonds are never adequately explained, and the idea that all of her team mates are suddenly in love with her is a unique twist. But sharing her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 8, 2014 Author Share Posted October 8, 2014 Sorry everyone, I have been having problems on this end, so this weeks reviews has been set back a week. But it will be a double Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 12, 2014 Author Share Posted October 12, 2014 Coruscant Entertainment Center FORMLESS: Chapter 1: An Eightfold Fortune Msficwriter Follow on to Formless: The Selection draws near, and the slaves of one house dread it The 'scriptural' verses you used remind me of the revision of the bible made back around the early 16th century, where they decided the Africans they stole then sold as slaves were automatically the 'sons of Ham', who were condemned to serve the descendants of the other two brothers. All of the 'better' qualities of the masters is like the ones used by slavers, and what I would call merely rationalization. The piece is well done, kid. Pick of the Week Fanfiction.net I have a confession to make. Sometimes I totally zone on what someone has asked me to do, and this author above had asked me to review some pieces at fanfiction under her pen name of Vyrazhi. So better late than never... DEAR MASTER LUCAS Vyrazhi Set in the modern Era: Our sponsor George gets some fan mail along with hate mail... From start to finish, I was chuckling, chortling, and doing a lot of other versions of laughing. The piece is irreverent, but fits a lot of attitudes regarding how things can be done. I especially loved Revan wanting to retcon the novel, as I think my version would have been so much better... Combined Best of the Week DEAR MASTER LUCAS II Set After Episode II: More mail, and even more fun with responses This had me giggling at the start. Mace Windu whining because of his light saber's color, and using Samuel L Jackson from Snakes on a plane as a pattern, The only movie I know of where they reshot an entire scene because they wanted to add one line of profanity. It didn't save it at the box office, but the effort was nice... Combined Best of the Week DEAR MASTER LUCAS III: REVENGE OF THE SITH Third in the set: You know the drill by now... Oh this cracked me up, especially Lumiya and Traya's plaint. Back when I first started at lucasforums as their critic, I made a comment asking why actual fighting Jedi all seemed to be men, and caught so much flak it was unreal, because I hadn't gotten into the Expanded Universe yet. So his comment made perfect sense, just like responding to Jabba in the previous article keyed on the core demographic; teen aged boys. Combined Best of the Week Republic Defenders: Cosmic Chaos Kojuro Katakura Set in TOR: A new group joins the battle Remember to sight edit. You used wont instead of want, and counseled instead of concealed for example. Technical note, location of the base: I know Tatooine is commonly used, and the problem is, it is commonly used. But here you have presented a problem on the political level. In KOTOR, it is owned outright by Czerka, and while companies are known to sell off real estate they no longer need, it is rare for a government to do so. As an example, the US 'owns' territories across the Pacific that we captured from the Spanish American War on. Some of them, like Guam Puerto Rico or the Samoan Islands, are defined as territories, and as such, can if they wish, eventually become states. German Samoa was seized during the First World War, and was merely incorporated into what had once been American Samoa. Some of those early possessions gained Independence; Cuba in 1902 (Though there was a codicil in the agreement that allowed the US to intervene until Castro staged his coup) and the Philippines in 1946. But the rest are still American Territories. During WWII, the US occupied the Marshall and Mariana Islands. They however were called Possessions rather than Territories. The difference is that a possession has no representation in the Congress (all Territories have at least one representative) and were held for a lot longer. The Marshal Islands gained Independence in 1979, but are still closely tied to the US; We still supply military assistance, and the Marianas became a Territory in 1977 and like Puerto Rico, is now a Commonwealth. So even if Tatooine had been a neutral being used for weapons development, it is unlikely the Republic would have merely let them go for sale to the Hutt. Kotor The Musical Writtenrhythm KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The game, with assisting music... Remember to sight edit. It would be advance party, not advancing, which suggests an action. Technical note, Vibro sword Affects: By definition, a vibro sword is a blade which uses a sonic vibration to cut through just about anything. As you can see from the game mechanics, it would easily cut through small amounts of metal such as armor or a weapon barrel; it is only if you tried to cut through a hatch or a bulkhead that it would be slowed down much. Back during WWII, American soldiers were taught to block sword attacks by using the barrel or receiver group to do so. The practice was discontinued when we first faced Japanese swords, which cut through the barrel and soldier behind it relatively easily. Technical note, ship nomenclature: As a writer once said, when men became sailors, they renamed everything so land lubbers would be confused. Some of them (Lee, starboard and port for example) were because they were specific areas of the ship. The lee side of the ship is where the wind is coming from, Starboard started as Steer board, which is the side the the old fashioned side mounted rudders before the 17th century, and port because you tied up to a dock on that side and is defined as the left side of the vessel when facing forward. Others were just to confuse the uninitiated; and among them was calling a door a hatch, and calling a wall a bulkhead. This is also why a cafeteria is called a mess deck. Oddly enough, yet another one where the name suits, since in heavy seas, your meal could end up on the deck instead of your stomach, making a 'mess'. If you want to correct your lack of this knowledge, go to Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out. Technical note, Armada: An armada is a vast number of troops or ships, not what looks like an infantry squad in the game. As a musical it didn't have many songs, just the one (Unless the count during let the bodies hit the floor counted) but the read was fun and interesting. The idea that the Republic would use punitive measures on an ex serviceman (Woman actually) reminded me of John Carter of Mars where the Cavalry is doing everything they can to force Carter to join their unit What The Force Wills It To Be MassEffectAdict Pre-KOTOR on Dantooine: All right, we've let a homicidal maniac loose on the Galaxy; what do we do now? Remember to sight edit, you used Vessul instead of vessel for a ship in one memorable error. I'm sorry; I won't be fattening your ego today, but it's because of the following. Technical note, caught flat footed: First, I can understand Bastila's frustration. It is easier on a raid like this to kill your target rather than capture them. The Council's decision that they would merely take her off life support and let the Force decide made some sense, but they should have determined what they would do if she did survive. Using a procedure that had not been tried in living memory did not bode well from the start. Technical note, escape: The escape was too violent from the start. Sure, disable the droid. But when she killed the two guards it went above and beyond. Use this as an example: Han Solo is injured, and wakes up after being taken from the bacta tank. He's in what is obviously a hospital, on a world he'd just delivered spice to, and believes he might have been captured. The orderly comes in and tells him the local government wants to talk to him before he leaves. So he first disables the orderly, flees down a hallway until he runs into two of the hospital guards, who ask him politely to go with them to see the govt rep. He then kills the two guard, and completes his escape. What is wrong with this picture? Plus the fact that recruiters check the wants and warrants on anyone who signs up, so the only reason she is not caught is that the Jedi didn't report the murders. We have a much harder edged Revan here than usual. Not the dark lord, but willing to use terminal violence from the start. Well worth the read. Revan's Role Vanden28 KOTOR from the Mandalorian Wars to the end: Historical look at Revan The piece is dry, but most history is. What I liked was the idea that the war ended not because the Star Forge was destroyed, but rather that She kept it as an ace in the hole and used only her Sith troops to go into the Unknown Regions. There is No Death MarshMella TFU between one and two: Companion piece to A Glimpse of Light; Juno mourns her loss, but the holocron left by Galen's father has clues for her and Master Kota Technical note, Dating: While AD (Which is now called CE for Common or Christian Era) is widely used today, it wasn't used historically until 525. The old Julian Calender used the terms of the Consuls of the Roman Empire and an historian changed the commonly used Diocletian 247 to 532AD because he didn't want to glorify an Emperor who was best known for his persecution of Christians. He also gave no reason for his usage at that time. It was not popularized until 731. So this would be like picking up a book written a year after Jesus was born and having it dated 1AD. The piece is not really fluffy, but it is sad and poignant. A story not of Galen, but of his father and mother. Pick of the Week The New Apprentice Takata Kaori Technical note, landing gear: When you take off, you retract the landing gear. When you land, you deploy it. Technical note, Star Destroyer: It's odd that the Rebels on the station would completely ignore something the size of the a Star Destroyer. It would be like the Enterprise D sneaking up on a Klingon Space Station. Technical note, two separate cloning facilities on the same planet?: With your description of the cloning facility run by Darkness, how do you hide it? I know we're talking on a planetary scale, but a building that large would be visible today using satellites. As an example, it is the size of the Metropolitan Life Insurance Company headquarters in New York which was the tallest building before the Empire State building. I was partially reminded of the EU where Mara Jade discovered she was not the one and only Emperor's Hand. But the idea that Vader is doing all of this primarily to keep Galen from discovering that he isn't a clone was good. Additions Moony3003 Post TSL: Follows The Encounter; a group of slaves are bought by a new master. This is an interesting view, especially since the one buying slaves is Ithorian. I know no group in history has ever been homogenous in their attitudes, but this is like a story I read years ago where one of the Jedi was a Hutt. Beta Squad CaptainSoraSparrow Clone wars on Geonosis: A squad has an assignment The primary problems are the battle scenes, and I will address them below: First, you have your team land and their transport shot down. No major problem with it except that the pilots of the fighters will report it. If it is their base, they would be in direct communications. Even if the LAAT is downed, the base is already alerted, and they cannot assume the team being carried were not dropped first. The first rule of combat, whether it is with your hands, a weapon, or a team like this is, you have a threat, and until you are sure they did not get in, you must honor that threat. During World War II he British had almost all of their battleships tied up in European bases merely due to the small German fleet, because if they did not, the Germans pocket battleships and larger ships would have had a field day against their cruisers and destroyers. When Bismarck sailed, there was a panic because of that fact. Second, while the game mechanics of Republic Commandos has someone else giving you an assignment, it doesn't work that way in real life. Watch the scene in GI Jane where they have to go in and back the team recovering the plutonium from the satellite. Their briefing was on the sub, not transmitted to them once they were ashore. Third, the clones are all trained to a fine edge. They may be newbies to actual combat, but training takes care of a lot of that. So having Patton have to explain what he wanted from his team mate doesn't scan. There is all sorts of different explosive ordinance even today, so if a man yells 'grenade!' with his hand out as if to catch something, the other guy is not going to throw him a smoke grenade unless it's what is obviously needed right this second. The primary reason the US created the Advanced Infantry school at Ft Irwin was because statistically, you are most likely to be killed in your first 30 days of actual combat. The answer they created was a training course that puts you through those first 30 days before you have even seen an enemy. It's a little known fact that the Armored Cavalry regiment that defeated an Iraqi armored division during Desert Storm was cycled through the course when they returned, and got their butts kicked. The training is more intense than actual battle. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7067553/1/Time-To-Unite Time To Unite Imagine The Universe Post KOTOR: After five years, Revan is still fighting Technical note, Ship class: There are three designations for a ship, her assigned name, the ship type, and the ship class. The class is the name of the lead ship in that design, while the ship type is what it does. As an example a WWI Helgoland class is a battleship, and so is the Yamato class, in other words the same type. But their capabilities are completely different. In a stand up fight the 12 inch SK L50 cannon has a range of only 16,200 meters compared to the 42,000 meter range of the 40 cm/45 Type 94 naval gun, and being faster, Yamato can stand off 10 kilometers away, well out of range. So saying he has a Fury, but it is smaller than the others doesn't make sense, as Fury is a class, not a type. The piece is mainly reminiscences of the team he left behind, but the attitude, that he's going to fight for justice and to hell whether it's a dark side or light side attitude. Didn't get a chance to read the next chapter, but considering the timing and the blurb for the story, I expect the Exile to arrive at any time... Dark Guardian Rosabell Five years post TSL: The Exile heads off in search of Revan, and someone watches from within the Force. The piece is from Sion's point of view, and there is only one negative comment to make: I cannot picture joining the Force and being segregated yet again, as if it were a Christian form of heaven and hell. I can see some of the Dark side users shunning where the Light side treads and vice versa, but not a line of demarcation between the two. By that definition, Anakin's spirit should not have been able to visit at the Ewok celebration. Pick of the Week Cost Of Family Outre KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The only thing to do is get the hell out of there. I loved the piece from start to finish. To hell with the script from the game, wing it! So you have a blue on blue (The modern term used to replace the old 'Friendly fire') Trask not being seen (Unless he's the blonde who got killed) and a really, and I mean really important reason to get off the ship tight this effing minute! Best of the Week Predator of Man Tara Seline Pre Mandalorian Wars: Some contingencies can't be recorded Years ago, I read a book entitled Fraternity of the Stone by David Morell, better known for Brotherhood of the Rose and First Blood. Except for the last, they have have one thing in common; they are about assassins. One of the things I learned when I became a Wiccan was that you have to remember one rule about anything you do to help someone, including yourself: If you have to rationalize why it is good, it's automatically wrong. So could Some of the Jedi Masters create their own assassins? Yes. Would it be right? I leave that to you. The work is very good. Pick of the Week If I Could Write Misty 82 Post KOTOR: Revan and Bastila have to consider what comes next... Remember to sight edit. You only did it once, but you forgot to complete a sentence. But that is what editing and polishing is for. Technical note, Yoda-Speak: Vandar always spoke like the average human, he never used what I call Yoda-Speak, Which is more like the Welsh, oddly enough. An interesting take on the aftermath of the mission. Too often the events that occurred are either ignored, or used as a reason for an inquisition. Here it is an 'all well that ends well' situation. Trask Ulgo, Annihilator of Souls Mithostwen KOTOR AU: And we all just thought he was a nobody The piece was amusing. It reminds me of the book Thief of Time, when a martial arts student/time operative gets upset about a sweeper crossing the dojo floor. But he panics when he discovers that the humble sweeper is a legendary time operative. Funny treatment. 3,956 BBY Kebiin KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Some days, it's not even worth getting out of bed. The piece was fun. You wouldn't believe how many time I wished I could just arrange an accident for Trask. Well here the player gets a chance to scream everything I ever thought of saying to the man. One thing... Technical note; Dating: BBY stands for Before the Battle of Yavin, we all know that. But like CE (As I mentioned in a previous review for There is No Death by MarshMella, you don't use BCE years before they make the switch. As I said then, it's like being alive a year after Jesus was born and finding a book dated 1AD over 500 years before anyone even suggested the dating system. Pick of the Week The Force Unleashed: A New Era RocketKnighter After TFU II On Dantooine: The unknown assassin commanded by the Emperor goes on his first mission to Save Vader I was confused as to when it was occurring until the end. The idea that it is the assassin that reveals that Starkiller is a clone was a little too soap opera for me. Technical note, Rebel base location: In ANH, Princess Leia tells Vader and Grand Moff Tarkin that the rebel base is on Dantooine. My question is, why didn't Vader tell Tarkin when this was revealed? The piece is dry, and pretty much nothing happens until they enter the base. It is interesting to note that the Emperor's Jedi Assassin seems to be operating by the same rules as Starkiller was, 'avoid any witnesses'. Gifts Kosiah Originally reviewed 20 November 2009 at kotorfanmedia. That review is below: PreKOTOR: An old memory finally fades. This is such a delightful insight into Malak and Revan. The idea that when she went to war, still the bright shiny Jedi ready to save the galaxy, she had carried along that one book. Each has given up so much to stand where they do now, and you can sense both the regret and the denial of that regret in each of them. Reposted Pick of the Week from kotorfanmedia Fallen Embers Nyghtraven Post KOTOR: The end of the Republic is at hand. Nyghtraven has always turned out thought provoking work, and this is no exception. The only real negative in the piece is oddly enough, clearing the bridge. At this moment, the ship should be at battle stations, so clearing the bridge means you have no control of your own vessel, or of your fleet. All of the smugglers adding their weight to the defense confused me a bit. In real life, they would either find new stomping grounds, or find a way to work under the new system. This was true in every war Mankind has fought to date. Pick of the Week Shattered Reflections VoldemortsLemming KOTOR After Leviathan: Both Carth and Revan have to deal with the revelation Remember to sight edit. You used relocation (Finding something again) instead of recollection for example. Remember that a spell checker does not give a damn what words you use as long as they are spelled correctly. That is what editing and polishing are for. You also used of all things, misspelled slang. Gunna instead of gonna. One thing, add character names to your spellchecker, because you misspelled Jollie and Bastila. Technical note, ship nomenclature. Ships do not have beds and door. They have bunks and hatches. Go to Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out. The piece has some things going for it, both of the main characters dealing with it in their own ways, and finally coming to grips with it. Close Call JediTears09 KOTOR In Escape Pod: Isn’t it kind of tight? One comment bothered me, but going back over my memory, I remember the escape pod on the Tantive IV (The rebel ship in ANH) was also rather small, so I'll address this as a failure not of the author, but of the SW universe in general: Technical note, Lifeboats: A civilian ship, thanks to the Titanic disaster, is required under international law, to have enough space in the lifeboats for every passenger and crew aboard. The reason that was such a disaster was because something like a quarter of the people aboard would have been stuck floating in water that would have killed them quickly. The other was that crewmen in underloaded boats were afraid they would be swamped and sunk if they tried to rescue more. Military ships do not follow this rule for the simple reason that any warship is manpower intensive; When I was in the Coast Guard, I served aboard WHEC35, USS Ingham which had a crew of 120, but all we had as life rafts/boats were two 10 man whale boats, and two 25 man life rafts. They also expect to take damage and have casualties, meaning a number of the crew are going to be dead when you abandon. The Mayflower which was used to deliver the Pilgrims to the New World carried 102 passengers and a crew of about 30, was what was called a Fluyt in Dutch, which means a warship design where the guns and powder necessary for combat were removed. The name means 'Flute' in English, and like a flute, is an open space with holes in her sides where the guns would have been. The Golden Hind as an example of a warship only slightly larger carried 80-85 men as crew alone. But both ships probably had only two small boats for maybe twenty men each. So one man lifepods? I don't think so. The piece is what you expect when it ends right before the crash landing. Very nicely done. Revanchi xMadGodx AU Starting Pre KOTOR: Bastila goes on her mission to capture Revan. But things are not what they seem Remember to sight edit, and watch out especially for grammatical errors. As an example you used are instead of our when discussing the mission. Also, remember that proper names are always capitalized. So revan should be Revan. Remember conversation breaks. In the talk between Malak and Revan, I was able to keep track by mentally switching from one to the other. A reader should not have to do this, however. Technical note, Communications in hyperspace: Radio uses wavelengths that would be skewed in hyperspace. So if Revan intended to give the orders he does, he would have had to make that decision before they went into hyper. Tehnical note, combat: While everyone talks about wanting a 'fair fight', in combat you don't want your life depending on a roll of the dice as it were. To a soldier, having cover, being able to shoot at an enemy without him able to shoot at you is the best of both worlds. So complaining about an enemy trooper killing one of your own 'in cold blood' is like complaining that water is wet. I'm sorry, having Vrook give the preparatory speech made me flash back to a scene in my own Republic Dawn (Available at Lucasforums under the same user name) where a Padawan learner of Yoda's race is telling some men what they have to do. It ends with: “If leaks in here it does, none of us leave alive may. Must of others think.” Yodai snapped. “Tell me, Jedi.” The tech flipped on the pump. “Have you every thought of becoming a motivational speaker?” “Why ask you?” “Because I’m in the mood to eat my own gun just being around you.” I loved it because the Revan we see here is not the murderous mindless thing he is portrayed as usually. In my own Genesis of a Jedi, My own Revan was trying to save the Republic and the Galaxy rather than destroy it, and would probably get along very well with this one. Pick of the Week Healing the Force AdylinJ Starting Pre Battle of Malachor: A new player has been training for over a decade to take her place on the stage A very interesting read, as we start off not knowing who this is, including name. What her mission is was not really explained, but there are 52 more chapters, and I wish I could read further. Pick of the Week For Love NeoJedi TFU: Love is a good reason to die What made me wonder is that Vader already had a clone of his student in the wings. It makes me wonder... Eight Pilots Liisiko TFU: There were others before Juno An interesting piece because all you know about the previous pilots is that they died. And a wide example of them as well. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 21, 2014 Author Share Posted October 21, 2014 Rogue Commando A Star Wars Fanfiction Daemonic Coyote Clone Wars as Order 66 is given: Some of the following carnage seen through one trooper's eyes. The piece is short, two small chapters covering only one unit. As a first work, it's not bad, but there were a couple of things. Technical note, Chain of Command: You don't have a clear chain of command, but one thing is fact: Commandos and regular clone troops are not in the same chain of command. Use this as an example: A SEAL team is sent in before an amphibious landing. A platoon of Marines lands in the area they have cleared and move inland. In real life, the SEAL team, even if they have been decimated, does not now join the other unit and take command of it. Their job is done, and they would return for another assignment. Technical note, Number of Jedi encountered: Assuming the figure usually bandied about that there are at any time only 10,000 Jedi, it is unlikely there are more than two assigned to a specific mission. About a quarter of them are still in training, so we have 7,500 actual combat Jedi. Assuming you're fighting on a lot of worlds, you would have less than half of the Jedi in combat at any one time. The rest are either enroute to or from a mission, on R&R, or wounded and out of action. So 3,750. But how many have been killed before Order 66 is given? Assuming losses of only another quarter, that 7,500 drops to 5,000, meaning out of action is now 2500, and assigned Jedi drops to 2,500, or only two perhaps three per mission. First Impressions Chisscientist Mandalorian Wars: He doesn't look like much... The piece is cute because Revan is always portrayed as a young person, but here we have him without his mask, and the officer isn't impressed. The only problem I had was that since he was in command, who would have ordered him there? One More Time Writtenrhythm Post KOTOR: She had returned, with fond memories she hopes to relive... Stories where Carth moves on, but Revan does return are few and far between. But this is one of the best. Wish I could read further then chapter one; especially how it ended. Pick of the Week Unwanted Reunion Pyra Opal Pre TSL: Revan finds one more reason to hate himself The piece was fun in a way, and very sad. The idea that Revan and the Exile met before he went on into the Unknown Regions has been done before, but finding her as an alcoholic one step from the gutter is kind of sad. Triumph Lilan KOTOR aboard Leviathan: So many ways to take the revelation... The piece reminded me of an old Gary Larson Far Side cartoon where it's what someone says, and a dog actually hears with Revan as the dog. The last line made the whole read worthwhile. The Return of Revan and The Sith KXR Eight Years Post TSL: The two Jedi return to warn the Republic Remember conversation breaks. You confuse readers when you leave them out, especially when it jumps back and forth. Remember that proper names are always capitalized, unless it falls within specific guidelines otherwise, such as an English name that begins with two lowercase effs. Also remember to sight edit. I can understand a child being upset, but having Durham at around seven 'Wining' (As in drinking) just doesn't work. Technical note, naval nomenclature: If you're just going from here to there, such as a Marine being transported, or a passenger, it's all right to treat the ship as a mobile building. But if you are a member of the crew, you learn the proper nomenclature just to explain to someone else what needs to be repaired. In an old movie 'Four For Texas' they have a funny scene with the Three Stooges where Moe is saying move to the right while facing Larry, who of course moves to his right. Then he orders 'Point right' facing him, and of course, they point in different directions. On board ship, this is a problem for that very reason. If you have to send someone back to do an emergency repair to the port side engine, you can't have him taking the one working engine off line (His left when he gets there) so people who work aboard boats and ships created their own slang so everyone was on the same page. Read my article at Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out. The piece is a nice bit for returning home. The reaction of Satele when she heard her father's name makes me wonder. Assuming she was conceived (But not born) before Revan left, and there were five years between her and Durham, that would make her 12. Is she happy he's home? Or just surprised? For those with a chance to read it all, you have eleven more chapters... The Random Ramblings of Revan Roc Lammergeier KOTOR Written by both Potatoe Girl and Roc Lammergeier: A different way for the fight between Saul and Carth to end? I was laughing almost immediately. The story reminded me of the scene from Undercover Brother where the catfight between Aunjanue Ellis and Denise Richards ends up with all of the men, both good guy and bad guys watching and cheering. Having them lock Malak in his office with only Gizka as company was a laugh riot. And that's just chapter One... Tied for Best of the Week Peace ArhenaRuetto TSL: Mical thinks of the Exile as she was, and as he sees her in the future The piece is an interesting study of another person. Seeing her as a wasted away woman, with an inner strength he learns of only by constant contact. Pining for a love he can never have. Apathy ArhenaRuetto TSL After the Tomb: She fights to return, because she isn't giving up The piece made me wonder. Once she wakes up Mical is talking as if she had been gone for weeks, not what would logically have been hours. When the Sky Falls Rosabell TSL Before the Tomb: She is different when they finally find her This piece is a nine chapter departure from the basic game timeline. In the first chapter she enters the Tomb, but from the blurb she is captured by Sion and months pass before she is found again. The Prologue is neatly written, and instead of a lover, Atton comes across more as an unwilling member of the team with Mical as a student unwilling or unable to emotionally commit. As I said, nine chapters, and I don't have time to read them all. But don't let that stop you. Pick of the Week The Legacy Of Revan DarthRevan123 Post KOTOR: How it might have gone. The primary problems I had with the piece were two. First, almost no character development. You can toss in a generic Revan, but except for rapidly shifting loyalties, Xarek and Kahrina are merely 'Sith male and Sith lord female, one each'. The other is Darth Plagius and Sidious? Two Sith coming from several thousand years in the future? Savior Elina Trevisan Mandalorian Wars: Revan discovers the new threat The piece is very well done, inserting a mention of the True Sith but with only a few clues as to where they might be. It is interesting that these Sith seem to have retained some of the Rakatan Technology that had been lost. Also the idea that Malak had changed his name after he got the tattoos. Six chapters ending when the war does. A pity I can't read them all. Tied for Best of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted October 28, 2014 Author Share Posted October 28, 2014 Cathar's Final Battle Cox303 Mandalorian Wars: A team of warriors escort a tribe to safety. Pre Mandalorian Wars flashback: A young warrior is told of the struggle of one clan during the massacres on Cathar. Technical note, 'sniper': A sniper is the man, not the weapon Technical note, Basilisk crew: According to KOTOR, there was a one man crew that rode them down from orbit externally. In TSL, they were able to carry three (The Exile a pilot and one other) internally by ripping out the weapons. Looking at the pictures (Not of the Basilisk from TSL, but the models) It's like a scene from the first Project A-Ko movie where a car transforms into a fighting robot, but inside it, the driver is contorted and unable to even move. If you don't understand what I mean, go to Google, click on Images, and put in Star Wars Basilisk, or Basilisk War Droid. The primary problem I see with your work is the battle scenes are unrealistic. The Loren are really too good, and their Mandalorian enemies too bad. Even when they are shot and dying, the Loren are eliminating enemy troops readily while the first 'fair' fight (Because you have their pride involved) had three Mandalorians attacking an apparently lone Cathar. When Saving the Universe is your Only Option Randomtastic7 Pre KOTOR: Remember to sight edit. You had a hood covering 'their' face instead of her face for example. Technical note, Character Reactions and interactions: You have people going for a violent response too quickly in the first part. I could let your Revan slide on that; if you were reacting to an intruder attempting to rifle your pockets, I can understand it. But a military officer in a secure area drawing to fire at someone approaching rapidly doesn't gel. Naval ships almost always tie up to secure areas where an enemy cannot get to them readily. Example: The commanding officer of USS Nimitz is impatiently waiting for a senatorial aide. He sees someone running toward the gangway, and draws his sidearm... Now admittedly, there have been attacks on ships in supposedly secure areas, but it is a rarity. And attacks by lone gunmen as it were don't happen. More importantly, the commanding officer of a ship rarely ends up escorting people around his command; regardless of their status. So having Bastila order him to do so was insulting. Technical note, Skirmishes enroute: The hyperdrive distance a ship can travel in Star Wars has never been adequately explained. Because of this, often you see ships jumping directly into a system with no warning. The attack on Coruscant in ROTS, and the attack on the second Death Star at Endor for example. So unless you have to make several jumps, you wouldn't have a chance for a skirmish enroute. This is not a negative; I for one have always been bothered by the 'we'll make it in one jump attitude' the series has always used. Technical note, 'You swore an oath': Civilians are not considered combatants, so having your hero swear an oath to act as a soldier doesn't make sense. This does not mean they will not fight, and even end up armed. Just that they are not soldiers per se. Technical note, Weapons effects: Unless the vibration cell has been turned off, a vibroblade is not simply going to make a hole going in and coming out. Just falling down as you described still holding it will cause it to make a larger wound. After all of the above, you probably expect me to flame you. However the piece is quite good. When you have med-packs being used, you're not having them magically undo all of the damage. Having to use both the computer and the droid was a nice touch. Your version of Revan is a refreshing twist. I Am Fatal Rendevous No specific era given: A woman goes from dancer to Bounty Hunter I was confused, primarily because her first act in her new role was not as a bounty hunter, but as a woman gaining revenge. I understand why she wished to, and even that she isn't done yet, but that doesn't make her one. This reminds me of an old movie (Try 1965) named the Bounty Killer. The problem is that as often as you see people being captured and turned in by a hunter back in the old West, that's not even close to being accurate. If you get paid the same amount for a positively identified body, why would most people even try to bring him in alive? By the 1890s, the entire process west of the Mississippi was abandoned for the same reason I detest the Star Wars version of the role; if you had the money to afford the posters and the bounty, you could have someone killed, as they did in the movie the Unforgiven. A year or so ago, I suddenly had a scene appear in my mind. A town had put out a wanted poster reading WANTED: SCHOOLMARM. A few weeks later, someone rushes in to tell the mayor that a schoolmarm had been found, and he runs out to meet her. He finds a sterotypical bounty hunter, with a horse, and draped over it, is a dead woman. When he explains they wanted her alive, the bounty hunter only says, 'Oops...” Knights Of The Old Republic III: The Sith Empire The Infiniator Post TSL: Like Revan before him, the Exile plans on how to leave his friends behind The piece is a simple slice of life before his departure. The only negative I had was constantly referring to him as the Exile. As I pointed out almost a year ago, Benedict Arnold was known to be a traitor to the Americans, but he didn't go through his life back in England constantly being called the Traitor. Four Points in Time Wakkomonkey9258 From training to joining the Force: Nihilus as he was, and became Remember to sight edit. You used to instead of too, and misspelled regardless. This, like the last story by the author that I read, is a radical departure. The author had made Nihilus a person like any other in a lot of ways, and I applauded that merely because it was different. There were two things about the story that I was not satisfied with. First was the characterization of his command style. Oh there are generals like he is described; unflinching and willing to accept sometimes massive losses to succeed. In fact my own version of Nihilus in my own Return From Exile was like this. But in my own he was relieved of command because of those losses. The best way to understand war is to examine a game the Chinook Indians used to play called Potlatch. It is played by destroying something of your own, and your opponent must match or beat it be doing the same. It ends when one opponent admits defeat. The only form of war I have found so far where no one is even injured, let alone die. The other thing is the version of what being part of the Force afterward is like. Oh I'll admit I can't see both sides kicking back and chugging brews as they discuss the differences in what they had done, but as Isaac Asimov and Robert Heinlein said in different ways, your enemy is not a wholly evil person. He has reasons why he did what he did, and without knowing why, you can't understand him. The latter author added 'It means you have some regret when you finally kill him'. Douglas Fett Origins Douglas Fett Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Two orphans find a new home Technical note, Dating: As I have pointed out previously this year, while a lot of authors use it, dating conventions have caused us to change when something happened, but were not in use at the time. CE (Or the old AD) was not even suggested until the 6th century, and wasn't in common usage until the 8th. As I sarcastically commented, it would be like going out to buy a book on the life of Jesus a year after he died, and finding it published in 1 AD. I was confused, then surprised to find that your spelling of warriour is merely archaic, rather than an error. I also liked your comment in the intro that any non Mando'a terms were in Gaelic. When I wrote my own stories with them as characters, I checked the same index you no doubt used, and only created words when I couldn't find one, and have admitted it when asked. In my Genesis of a Jedi, I had Sasha's Mando'a come from a specific dialect to get around the fact that the words used, were different. The piece is eleven chapters, and I liked it from the start, but sadly, do not have time to read it all the way through. Tied for Combined Best of the Week Fett Betrayal Douglas Fett Mandalorian Wars on Dxun: Remember to sight edit, because a spellchecker ignores words that are wrong but spelled correctly. You used rein (as in controlling a horse) instead of rain for example. Technical note, surprise attack: The primary problem I had with the opening battle scene was there was no warning at all. I agree that with the human element in the mix, you can achieve some surprise, but in a modern threat environment under wartime conditions (Say a naval task force) your defensive weapons are on automatic, meaning that if a missile comes from a submarine say, your CIWS will automatically engage. So the only weapons on a ship that could attack the ground with no warning would be laser fire. Missiles would have a delay between being fired and striking their target; even in the SW universe; anything from several seconds to several minutes, and your automated defenses would have engaged and destroyed a lot of them enroute. The best recent example I would suggest reading is the Troy Rising series by John Ringo, especially the book Citadel where he covers the problems of planetary defense against enemy smart missiles. But bombs imply a delivery system; either a mass driver on board ship to launch kinetic energy weapons (KEW) or bombing aircraft or spacecraft. These have an even longer delivery time, because you must either charge up the mass driver (With a period to recharge before a second shot) or launch the bombers and have them proceed to the target. Note, I am not including prep time for the ships because an attacking force would be ready to fire upon arrival, and all bombers are preloaded. To see an example using KEWs, read Ringo's The Eye of the Storm where they had a class of ship designed specifically for the initial bombardment with hundreds of KEW launchers. Technical note, time spent: I don't care what delivery system you use to put troops on the ground, taking a planet away from someone would take longer than an hour, even if the landing is what the Marines would call administrative; meaning you aren't shot at. Technical note, the Draft: Most warrior societies (Look at the Spartans) didn't consider anyone who had not trained as hard as competent. Oh you can use the draft, and win; the US did it in both world wars. But special units, such as the Rangers, Commandos of both England and Germany, and the First Special Service Force were a breed apart, and far better trained than the average Joe. One reason Sparta went from the top of the line to a third rate power in Greece was because they had been bled white in their wars and didn't have the training anymore. Also, in Mandalorian society, they have warriors, but also have the support of their people at home. Not every Mando'a fought, though all were trained to. In fact Fett is actually the Mando'a Vhett, and means Farmer. As an example, the Japanese Navy had a flight training school at Etajima, and before WWII, admitted only a hundred candidates a year. You could be rejected if you'd lost a tooth for example. Because of that, their naval air arm was considered one of the best in the world at the time. The losses caused by Midway made them scramble to train new pilots, but they never caught up. I enjoyed your comment that the Republic took their strategic pause as a sign of running out of steam. Peter Arnette who used to work for CNN, and has been known since Vietnam for slanting his stories ended up being fired because when the Coalition forces stopped two weeks into OIF, he boasted on air that the Americans had lost their nerve. The battle scene was well done, even the idea that the main character was being shot and not noticing. The only negative I had for that is that common slugs used by a cannon are from 20mm up to 30mm, and they would literally have blown his legs off. So I assumed it was shrapnel. Well written. Tied for Combined Best of the Week In Crossing Fire Douglas Fett Mandalorian Wars: The hero and another are sent to Hoth Technical note, Hoth?: I understand having prepositioned equipment ahead of your advance, and also that you are using planets known to all of us. But this didn't work for me. If you look at the Galaxy map from wookiepedia, Mandalore (Which to be correct should be Mand'alor) is up in square O7, while Hoth is in K18, literally the entire Republic apart. As an example, this would be like the Japanese or Nazis during WWII secretly building a supply depot in St Louis MO. Technical note, Hyperdrive: If any of the old war droids had been available after the Clone wars, I could see installing one. But since internal hyperdrives didn't exist until after the Clone Wars, I don't see it. Except for the comments above, again I liked the work. What I did get to read (Only the first of six chapters) was good. Except I don't see sending only two men on the mission. Unless you consider a pair of Legionnaires as that much better than the average soldier. Tied for Combined Best of the Week Hidden Hand Douglas Fett Mandalorian Wars after the Jedi support: The team is assigned to find out who the real enemy is Technical note, Guerrilla warfare: When you're losing a war, or trying to build up to fight back in a more organized way, Guerrillas are what you use. Both the US and British fielded special units, the Commandos in England, and the Marine Raiders in the Pacific. You also had the SAS, OSS, and the SOE (Special Operations Executive) fighting behind the lines. Of those, only the last two trained and led locals in behind the lines operations. Nine chapters, and the first made me wish again that I could read them all. Tied for Combined Best of the Week Blackout TheLightIsMine Clone Wars: Such a simple gesture The piece is tightly written, and I enjoyed it immensely. In fact I was stunned to discover that I have missed every one of the previous stories, all eight of them. So I have to back track to make up for it... Tied for Combined Best of the Week Stolen Fire TheLightIsMine Clone Wars: A little unexpected downtime Like the previous work, I liked the writing style a lot. Having the man decide to take advantage is stock, as is the reaction of the woman, but very well done. Tied for Combined Best of the Week Armour Of Fire TheLightIsMine Clone Wars: The lone Jedi reflects, and reconciles in her mind. Technical note, AT-AT: Since I know what one looks like, I was confused as to how it could be dropped like an assault shuttle. The walkers the Clones used were delivered by modified shuttles, which wouldn't be large enough for this purpose. Also, they were first seen in TESB, which means twenty odd years later. The piece is a departure from the two previous works. You see someone who isn't the typical Jedi, someone moody, holding her hatred in, though only barely. But part of her is unsatisfied with that. So the reconciling mentioned is only in her mind. Tied for Combined Best of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 4, 2014 Author Share Posted November 4, 2014 Of Masters and Slaves MsFicwriter Continuation of the story: Even the masters have problems The piece is getting into the relationships between master and slave in such a way that you're not sure where it is going. Both the slave and her mistress have problems; on looking forward to a loveless marriage, the other that she will be selected by the priests. Doing good so far. Playing catch up. As mentioned in my last review over at SWK, the author leading off had eight stories posted before the one I stumbled on, so I went back to fill in. You will also note I did not mark any as pick of the week. Part of that is because last week I told you all to check out the body of work So... Ten Glimpses-Quinlan Vos & Khaleen Hentz TheLightIsMine Post Clone Wars: Ten glimpses into the minds of the lovers. A lot of people writer to background music or as I do, to television shows (Usually videos of movies) and this was a unique idea, shuffle play a number of songs, and write vignettes based on them. The glimpses we do have are any relationship, from arguments, to finding your lover working as a pole dancer, to the childlike delight of dancing in the rain. Behind Closed Doors TheLightIsMine Clone Wars: Two knights with a secret love are sent to pretend to be man and wife The one thing I like about this is the Jedi order comes across more like the Catholic Church of before the 17th Century. People forget that until then while they were supposed to be celibate, the upper echelons from Bishop up routinely had secret lovers, even wives. Ten chapters. Enjoy... The Right Kind Of Wrong TheLightIsMine Post Clone Wars: Khaleen ponders her relationship, and enjoys the memories The piece is a bit of fun. Quinlan at work is still not to busy to meet her eyes, and she's enjoying what they share. Wartime Rumours TheLightIsMine Clone Wars: Kitt asks about a rumor I would think a Jedi would be more serene about the possibility of his lover having an affair. But he is a lover himself, so I understand his worry. How The Other Half Loves TheLightIsMine Clone Wars: A pair of lovers regain the magic, if only for one night. The author has a thing for 'good boy-bad girl' relationships. Here the good one is Mace Windu, and while the comment seems to make the writing generic, it isn't the case. Both Quinlan in previous story, and Mace come across as two distinct people, just as Khaleen and Devorah do. What I mean is the love spans that gap, with only their own attitudes causing the tension. Ten Glimpses - Aayla Secura TheLightIsMine Clone Wars: Looks at the people Aayla Secura knows and loves It's Aayla Secura's time in the barrel, and the author showed us her heart, her sorrow, her determination, and her pain. Very well done. The next author also had the body of work chosen for best. Unlike TheLightIsMine above however, these are in sequence on the page already. Farewell To Arms DOUGLAS FETT Mandalorian wars: Starting with the retreat from Onderon The piece was short, but like all before, well done. This description of the street fighting rang more true than the previous 'took the planet in an hour' version. ITS JUST BUSINESS DOUGLAS FETT Post Mandalorian wars: Fett is attacked, and decides to go for the throat The piece is a very interesting study. I didn't like the 'if you didn't surrender to me' bounty, but it fueled the entire story very well. Technical note, Approaching a soldier...with guns out?: As much as the video RP games have people strutting around with weapons in hand, in this case it actually accelerated the carnage. One thing American learned to their regret since Vietnam is you never, ever, do anything that will cause a returning soldier to assume he is in danger until he's settled back into being out of the firing line. We learned it then because before you had several days, sometimes several weeks before you were in a normal environment again. All of those instincts that kept you alive work against you in a low threat environment. An accidental nudge could bring back fear of being killed and draw a fatal response. Add to this that Fett knows about the bounty, so he is already alert. Having weapons in hand merely takes him from alert, to react. Technical note, Voice Command usage: Having everything set to voice command would be a problem in a serious combat environment, and having two different weapons (Laser and wrist missile launcher) firing at the same time from the same wrist would not make a lot of sense on anything smaller than a suit of Mobile Infantry armor (And I mean the BOOK Starship Troopers, not the movie) version. Note that in the fight between Obi Wan Kenobi and Jango Fett on Kamino, the only weapon he needed to actually use a voice command for was the rocket launcher on his jump pack. The recurring 'It's just business' comment was well used. It's right up there with the gravedigger from Van Helsing using 'it's my nature'. His disdain for the money driven attitude makes sense because while he is a warrior, he hates the idea of doing anything just because of a paycheck. The Hunted DOUGLAS FETT Start of the Jedi Civil War: Fett decides a little payback is in order Technical note, the blind: Having met and dealt with a lot of blind people in my time, I see the start of this scene as wrong. As much fun as they had in Young Frankenstein with the blind man, they would not live long without someone taking care of them if they were this inept. The situation is interesting; a lone soldier going after a group that from their rep at least, are going to be tough. But his reason makes sense. The thing is, rigging a trap as described makes perfect sense. And his reaction is not to the actual event, but the 'execution' that followed it. Raiders Of The Dark DOUGLAS FETT Start of the Jedi Civil War: Our hero is still running The thing I like about the character is how direct he is. You have someone hunting you; deal with him and whoever sent him. Vanguards Of The Storm DOUGLAS FETT Jedi Civil War: With the threat of invasion looming, our hero thinks of upgrading his ride I am glad we finally got off the Bounty Hunter parade. Unless you are the worst of criminals, you would not have hundred of people lining up for their chance to catch you. Though having him consistently worried that Revan is still 'out to get him' is a bit much. I liked setting up the upgrading process. Sacrifice Lethe2 KOTOR Before the Star Forge: Can she accept this sacrifice? I hit the end of the first chapter, running way late, and wanted to scream. It is a simple premise; which is more important, the Republic, or the man she loves? I wanted to read more! Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 6, 2014 Author Share Posted November 6, 2014 Does anyone know what happened to SWK? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 10, 2014 Author Share Posted November 10, 2014 Once Upon A Dream Depositink TSL: A woman finds herself trapped in the game I read two chapters into it, and still had no clue as to why she was brought into it. The one thing I liked was the idea of making her someone other than the Exile for once. Unleash Zog the angry chipmunk Post TFU II AU: Vader begins again. But there's a problem... The piece is too short to get a good feel for the style, though the set up for a disaster was well done. It is also incomplete. Haar Echoy la Ade Ravenwingcorps Pre Mandalorian Wars: A pair of Jedi stumble upon five lost children The piece is fun because the Jedi aren't the 'strictly business' and 'everything is under control' types we usually see. The Master sends her Padawan off to find the source of their Force perception, whole the younger is mumbling under his breath about his Master's doing so. All in all, it was intriguing enough that I think it is worth a further read if it is ever expanded. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Jason Elliot KOTOR aboard the Endar Spire: The adventure begins Absolution suggests a religious connotation. A criminal is pardoned. Remember to sight edit. You have a lot of times where you have sentences that need this. It's not a major dig; I read a lot, and I have seen professionals make the same kind of mistakes, and theirs ends up in print. I liked the idea that you took the basic storyline and punched it up quite a bit. But I wish the original writers had done some research, since Cortosis causes the lightsaber beam to destabilize. It is an alloy called Phryk that would be used instead because it resists the beam. And I wondered; why were all of the escape pods A: on the starboard side, and B: in an area where the Officers an be the first off the ship? Bad design there, thought the author's snide remark fits some navies I have seen. Life in the jedi enclave Revan Fore Ever Pre Mandalorian Wars: Kids will be kids... Ask and ye shall receive... First, remember conversation breaks. Think of a story as a street with traffic. You've taken all of the cars, and jammed them into a pile, making an automatic traffic jam. Second, if you are going to use script style notation (Colon instead of quotation marks) this is doubly important. Dark to Dawn Scatcat517 Pre Mandalorian Wars: A deal is struck with the devil Remember to sight edit. You used the word suddenly twice in one sentence. Also, assuming an age of say 100 for Naga Sadow when he fought and lost to the Republic, he would have been born around 5100 BBY, meaning he has been dead (Died according to wookipedia in 4400) less than a thousand years before the events you portray. The piece is interesting, and like a lot of us, you have the Sith to blame for the war. Destiny of Shadow Shadows Of The Storm Post TSL in the Unknown Region: Now that was a bit unexpected... It's been a while since I have read one of SOTS' work, but this was a welcome change of pace this week. Having her alone made sense, and I didn't expect what happened at the end, which is a very good thing for an author to do as far as I am concerned. I reached it and the first thing that came to mind was 'and I don't have time to read the second chapter! Pick of the Week What If Moonwolf898 KOTOR On the Star Forge: A poignant farewell. I sat for several moments after reading this one. The scene is stock, the lovers who end up on opposite sides, but it was well done, with enough flashbacks to explain some comments, as you would have expected it. I did a similar scene when Revan confesses her love for him, and her greatest regret was that they had never even kissed before his injury. This scene was as good to my mind. Tied for Best of the Week KotOR Misadventures Some Random KOTOR On Taris: The author is propelled into the story, now how does she get out of it? An interesting way to do it. Putting yourself into the story, and not as a main character. This puts her into the role of Cassandra, knowing what is going to happen, and more important, finding a way to convince the real characters so that you can escape. HK's fatigued resignation synedoche Interim between KOTOR and TSL: Who had the last laugh? I was more confused when I got to the end than I was before. Jolee wants HK to follow Revan, and for some reason HK doesn't want to go. So Jolee has him partially disassembled. But this defeats the purpose, doesn't it? HK is going along, but all he's good for right now, is a doorstop. Revan's Return ihavetohaveaname Three years post KOTOR: Bastila waits patiently Remember to sight edit. Lights are extinguished, not distinguished. And you have both heart and mind on the same side, though the mind should be arguing against from the context. The first chapter is a brown study of the situation. She misses him, part of her knows he may never return, part of her says he will. Very nicely done. For those with the time, there are 14 more chapters... Splinters Reliquary Three years post KOTOR AU: The end of the Republic is soon at hand The first chapter was short, as the author warned. I see a woman who has secret regrets about what she has done at Revan's side, yet glories in the power the Dark side has given her. The chapter ends on a sad note; She reaches along the Force Bond, but everything you might think that drew her to him originally is gone, and only the echoes remain... Tied for Best of the Week Last week I was running way late as you all know, and to add insult to injury, the pathway to posting on Star Wars Knights is down, now for a full week, so I am going to add this to the Coruscant Entertainment column. Hopefully one of the admins from SWK will read it. Another doctor's appointment. I found out there is a drug company doing a study on the very condition I have, but the closest clinic is no longer part of the test. It figures. But enough about me, On to the reviews! Shadows Of The Storm leads off with Destiny of Shadow And this week we have a tie for best. Moonwolf898 gives us a poignant farewell on the Star Forge, What Iffollowed Reliquary's AU end to the was with Splinters Working on a 1632 story. How about a band in 1636 being named Fleetwood Mac because of an error? Signing off... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 17, 2014 Author Share Posted November 17, 2014 DEAR MASTER LUCAS IV: NO NEW HOPE Vyrazhi George Lucas answers fan mail: Just when you thought she would quit I cracked up pretty much all the way through. From sealing Han in carbonite just to shut him up, to asking why Anakin's mother think her kid should have been named Jesus, to apologizing to Wedge Antilles because of where he got the name, and telling off Disney's marketing reps. What's not to like? Best of the Week What things may come Chev 7 TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile has a worrisome vision The piece covers the attitudes of all people. We joke that you have an angel sitting on one shoulder, and a devil on the other, both whispering what you should do into your ears, and this is the case here. What is odd, is that her angel is Atton, of all people... Birth of a Shadow Allronix Mandalorian Wars: The soon to be Exile faces Revan Echani style It was interesting having specific hand to hand movements being described as conversational points. I have always agreed with the Echani view, not for this specific reason, but because the way a person plays a game for example, usually gives you insight into the way they look at life. It is why Commanders on both sides study the tactics and lives of enemy leaders to work out how they will react in any situation. For example, the fact that the Japanese believed Halsey would be in charge at Midway made them get ready for a man who would charge in. Spruance; who was in charge, was a little more thoughtful and wasn't even on their list of people. How I became an Imperial Agent FrictionX42 TOR challenge: Reading the author's work, I wondered if he'd read Elizabeth Moon's Hunting Party or perhaps studied Russian Military history. The reason is simple. In Hunting Party, a captain resigns because she disobeyed orders that would have caused serious casualties and won the battle. Then was threatened with a court martial for that disobedience. In the old Soviet Army, a lot of times you ended up with good officers being transferred out of command and incompetents who were 'politically reliable' taking over. The commander's reaction, don't go to the designated place, because all you are going to get is a bullet in the head, is pure Soviet. In Cardinal of the Kremlin, Clancy commented on one of the standard methods of execution used at Lubyanka Prison, where you are told that you are being released, and when you step into the hall, a man behind the door will step out and shoot you in the back of the head. The end reminded me of another book; Sten by Cole and Bunch, where a trainee in boot camp uses a tactic that is off the wall to win a battle, and is sent to their version of what could be called the Seals crossed with Mission Impossible. Very well written. Pick of the Week Oh Frag, Not Again! XXWintersDescent TSL On Peragus: Since she did so well the first time... Since you have pretty much the same faces to slap on your character, I actually expected this. What I didn't expect was such a funny piece. She starts by making faces at the dead men in the kolto tanks, then apologizing. Kreia is very hung up on her 'mystery woman' bit, and there's even a quick cameo by Trask who while enumerating his duties as a 'secret Jedi' includes watching her sleep and going through her things. Didn't have a chance to read beyond the first chapter, but by the time you get to the end you will want to read on. I know I did. Pick of the Week Games in the Wrong Place Wakkomonkey9258 KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: The universe is crumbling and the Star Forge is doing what? The author commented that Nihilus is the favorite. Considering the body of work so far, it's like saying I like strong female characters in my work. The idea that the Star Forge could get so engrossed in a chess game that ignores everything else that is happening is funny. Waiting simply.kaleidoscope Post TSL: The Exile finally finds Revan Remember to sight edit. As an example, you said it had been four or five with adding 'years' when talking about Carth's patient wait. You also used kown instead of known. And proper English usage is I am She. The piece is interesting, including the emotional response of both women. The Exile (Never named) has merely brushed off her feeling for Atton, and assumes he will do the same. The primary negative I have to say is this; how could the Exile have fought through the war with Revan and never met her? To me, this would be like Eisenhower having never met Patton. Ache Tankgirly Mandalorian Wars: An officer grieves his loss. In my own Return From Exile, Kreia was Arren Kae. Of course that was years ago, and god alone knows what the Wookipedia has add since they 'created' the Echani... Malak's Apprentice Beta111 KOTOR: Malak's apprentice is sent to kill Revan Remember conversation breaks. If you have a large body of conversation without them, it's like starting your morning drive directly into a traffic jam. The biggest problem beyond that mentioned above is that you're creating what other author's call a Mary Sue. Having Visas comment that he is so much better than others for example. I was accused of this in my own Dxun Memories because I know the skill sets needed to be a superb Naval Commander do not automatically make you a great Ground Force commander. To the Ends of the Galaxy: Sins of the Republic Qymaen Pre TOR: The first acts of war occur The primary problems I have with the piece are technical, since the writing itself is quite good: Technical note, Kamikaze mission: Unless the ship has a rear facing ramp (The Ebon Hawk and Millennium Falcon have forward facing ramps, as does the XS) what you would have when you open it is akin to a blast furnace. The droids would have been reduced to puddles. Technical note, canister dropped: a biotoxin is not a large item. In the movie the Satan Bug they showed the actual size of such a flask, which is small enough to hold in your hand. The carrying container is about the size of a 12 ounce beer can. So having them delivered in this manner is like taking a cigarette boat to deliver a 12 pack of beer in a small cooler. Technical note, Operational names; While modern military operational names here in the US are now two words, that is something that only began since the 1980s. This suggests a lot of different operations being carried out, and being unwilling to use other languages when you name them. As an example, the invasion at Normandy was Overlord, the proposed invasion of Honshu was named Cornet. The only time before the 80s that an operation was given a two word name was Market Garden, because the two portions; the airborne attacks and the ground force one, were given different names under the same operation. The overall name for the invasions of the Japanese home islands was Downfall. Technical note, bioweapon toxicity: Bioweapons do not automatically jump species barriers. On Earth, we get diseases by vectors (Passage via another animal, such as mosquitoes) and sometimes species jumps such as avian and swine transmission. Here you have not only different races, but being born in entirely different environments. To paraphrase H. Beam Piper commenting on inter stellar fertility, it is like a person on one planet creating a lock, and a person on another, who has never seen the device, making a key to open it. Technical note, Thieves?: Unless you have a lot of stuff to steal, you are not going to have ten people show up to ransack an apartment. It is like sending in a battalion to take out a squad in a defensive position. Also, a thief will rarely have malice for his victim. It's Only A Word Asami Shepherd KOTOR after Leviathan: Revan's mind runs over the events before and since the revelation A nice place to start. I do hope the author continues. Star Wars The Force Unleashed III MetsBatts5 Prologue to TFU III: Triumph may turn to tragedy Not really long enough to get a feel for it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted November 24, 2014 Author Share Posted November 24, 2014 Running Down Carl My Lady Vader KOTOR on Taris: Well, that's one way tp beat him... Remember who your characters are. You first used Carl in the title (and once in the work itself) and compounded it by call ing your main character Mara when you meant Mala. Also you would fire off shots, not shoot them. All in all a very nice little piece. Knights of the Old Republic: The Darkness Hunters Jack Sawyer Five years post KOTOR: A young Jedi is asked to deal with a new darkness Remember to sight edit. In your case, because you used disseminate (Spread) when I think you meant decimate (Slaughter). Remember that while sight editing is usually for grammar homonyms and punctuation, it is also because you can use the wrong word, and your spellchecker will ignore it if it is not misspelled. Technical note, Starfighter hyperdrive: Snub fighters were not hyper capable until the Imperial era without hyper rings. Technical note, propriety: Bastila, according to Canon, was a Padawan during KOTOR. We assume she would have reached master or at least Jedi Knight status five years later, but it is not a given. So having her first call a master to Coruscant, then automatically chair the meeting in the Council chamber doesn't gel. Think of it this way; A parish priest needs something done, so he asks the Bishop to come to the local Cathedral, to ask for a favor, and then goes to that man's office, and sits behind his desk. See what I mean? The situation is well explained, and of course tense. Revan, The Exile, and The End Chapellefan Post TSL: The two heroes of the game face their final battle The piece spent a lot of time on recriminations about the past, and we still don't know the events of how they died. But I understand the angst caused when KOTOR III became TOR instead; that gap should actually be filled. The Opportunity Daennika Post Clone Wars: Two old friend, now on opposite sides, meet The piece is rather good. Just two people who once knew each other chatting. Having the Bounty Hunter turn down the chance to fulfill his contract is just icing on the cake. Bastila's Lament Synedoche Post KOTOR: An old woman tells a story of her own past to a child. Having little time to read the longer pieces fully, I had to stop after the prologue. But the story was interesting enough that I wished for more time. Star Wars: a New Power The Shadow Broker Imperial Era: A time traveler offers hope The piece was unsatisfying for a number of reasons. First, time travel. If anyone could find a way to use the Force to do this, there would have been a record of it somewhere. And you also open up the genre to having any number of bad guys who might have done it, or could do it. It's like the comment by Palpatine to Anakin that a Sith Lord had discovered the secret to immortality, but had been killed before it could be tried. Second, returning from the dead in another body. Again, why has this not been seen before? Would any number of Sith have refused to use such a capability if it was known? Remember that the technology we use today did not just spring to life without something before it. And the same would logically be true of the 'Force Powers' that are routinely used. In the Legacy of the Force we have Jacen Solo able to walk through time, but from what I have seen, only within his own lifetime, and mainly to where he had been at that actual time, not to anywhere he wished. Third, changing the future, but only a little. As someone who has lived through the future, Galen would have probably been able to figure out who the emperor was before, and how he had used the Clones to eliminate the Jedi. Why didn't you merely have him show up, prove his capabilities, and have him lead a team to kill Palpatine when he was still just Chancellor? That would have eliminated the threat of the Clones without trying to change gears in the middle of a war. Crystalline Internal Nebula PlaidButterfly KOTOR On Dantooine: The piece is nicely done. The looking from outside as she remembers that one perfect day is a slice of life that should be remembered fondly. Over beccHaDOUKEN Post KOTOR: Revan leaves before the party has really ended, but she takes the love with her A very nicely done piece. We don't know exactly when Revan left from Canon, but this was a perfect time. Pick of the Week An Old Aquaintance Kateel01 Post Clone Wars: A Bounty Hunter sets up for a kill. One thing that might bother other readers is that you are intensely into the technology being used in the first chapter. It isn't a ding, I do it myself when I run into an historical comment, or a tech I am interested in. It's just as was mentioned in Gene Roddenberry's book the Making of Star Trek when he commented on how phasers worked, that Matt Dillon didn't go into a long explanation about the invention of the Colt Peacemaker. Arc Trooper Spar Meeting Moondoe Clone Wars: An ARC trooper meets someone new The piece was interesting because of the addition you made to the Clones; females. I was curious about the comment that they made them of various races because as I know from my own studies of Intelligence operations, it is usually easier to hire someone of that species. While every intelligence network in the world spies on everyone else, the old Russian method of creating an entire American town in Russia to train their operatives is too labor and cost intensive. But I liked it. This was actually one of the 'go back you moron, you missed one!' stories that happens occasionally. The following piece by the same author mentioned it was second, so I had to go back and find what I had missed. Sleep Deprived Moondoe Clone Wars: Well that's one way to get someone to sleep... You used proper nomenclature, then slipped. Since it is supposed to be aboard ship, they should have remembered that, so they would have looked down the passageway, not the hall. No biggie. The piece was fun. The only problem I had was that having spent four years in the Coast Guard, I know that someone walking back and forth in the next compartment is not that easy to hear. Her literally falling asleep on her feet was really choice. I'll have to make sure to read the rest by this author. Pick of the Week Secondhand 4th of Eleven TSL: No specific segment given: Venting frustration at the closest target The piece, dark side as it is, was choice. Some authors, John Ringo comes to mind, have gone over how to torture a computer; if you get a chance, the book Yellow Eyes is an excellent example. As is this very story. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 3, 2014 Author Share Posted December 3, 2014 So far behind it's not even funny. But I do have a good reason. About a month ago, I started on a story for the 1632 series, where the author allows fans to write stories, and if they think they are good enough, they buy them for the online magazine. If they are considered really good after that, you can end up in the paper anthologies, and if you are really, really good, they can use it to center a new book in the series. The good thing is, if at each step mentioned, they pay you for it. The reason for this is, I posted about five days before Thanksgiving, reposted after four pages of comments, most very supportive, and when I had tweaked it as much as I could think of, mentioned it, and it was snapped up. We're in the editing stage, and if it can be completed before 15 Dec, it will be in the January issue. This means when I should have been going my weekly column, I have been doing editing on something that will pay me. If you are not sure what I mean, check our a book entitled 1634: The Ram Rebellion, where someone posted a mostly joking story about a German ram who was nicknamed 'Brillo', and a bunch of the people who read and write on the column created their own Brillo stories, including a novelette where he is the inspiration of an entire ballet. Later his image is the focus of an entire revolution, hence the title. So I will be back later this week with a double column. Wish me luck... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 7, 2014 Author Share Posted December 7, 2014 Coruscant Entertainment Center FORMLESS: Chapter 3 Interlude: The Dragon Speaks Msficwriter Continuation of Formless: The Dragon, now the stars above, talks to the one trapped on Earth. I thoroughly enjoyed this chapter. Both of them, the one on Earth best named Hunger is uncaring of humanity beyond a food source, and the Dragon, best named Will points out why the people live in such misery. Tied for Best of the Week FORMLESS: Chapter 4 Msficwriter Continuation of Formless: The dawn of Selection The piece has a sense of foreboding at least from the two girls. The idea that the slave will get selected troubles her young mistress, even if the slave has been taught that it will set her free. Fanfiction.net A Jedi's Heart Darth Ixnay Post TSL: Brianna finally admits her feelings. The piece is fun because the old 'Jedi's don't have relationships' is still being used, even after they are down to bare bones. The scene where she finally gets it across to her love interest if even more fun because they keep dancing around the subject rather than actually saying it out loud. An Answer to an Unasked Question LadyArin Pre TSL: The Exile finally finds a reason to go back to the Republic. Most people have ignored this period of the life of the Exile. In my own she was still inside the Republic, working as Chief of Security for a passenger liner. This one was well done, and the idea that she can return without being immediately ostracized or killed would appeal. Or maybe, she has reached the point where she's going to fight back rather than running scared. Pick of the Week Peripeteia Synedoche Decades post TSL: Follow on to Bastila's Lament, A crash give Bastila a reason to come alive again. Technical note, sand crawler?: The Sand Crawler was only seen on Tatooine. It doesn't mean that it cannot have an equivalent for grass-lands, but the design would not be the same, and therefore would probably not have the same name. It's like calling an Elbe river barge an Ohio Riverboat. An excellent work. If you go to lucasforums (Put in Critic's Two Cents, then when it gives you the page, then click on the link back, or use my handle and find a story called the Warrior. The hero of that piece is an old warrior faced with defending the innocent one last time... Pick of the Week In A Jedi World: Book 1 Nyce KOTOR self insert: When a young girl finds herself in the game, she had to help the team get off Taris! Remember to sight edit. You have a tendency to forget to finish sentences, so the wording looks wrong. Not a big problem, but that is what sight editing is for. I've run into a lot of self inserts recently, and the ones I have read in the last year or so at least don't have you getting on a plane in City X, and finding yourself arriving in Coruscant. Only had time to read the introduction, but it looks like it might be good. Verdict Heroes Die Pre KOTOR; the two heroes of the game, both Dark side, meet before the Exile's trial. The piece is nicely done. This is I think the second trial and aftermath story I have read. Both are pretty much the same, but here the Exile is dark, and seems to like it that way. I remembered a movie made back in 1976 named Vigilante Force, where a Vietnam vet leads a group to stop violent crime, but becomes an even bigger problem. At one point, he said he'd gotten used to killing people and just every now and then just had to feed the feeling. As for Revan's decision, I understood it. One reason the 'no quarter' idea is pretty much rarely used, is because if you know you will not be given a chance to surrender and live, why not fight to the death? The only negative is having a Force Blinded Ex- Jedi using the force to open the door. In my own version, I had a Jedi who pretty much came back because she was supposed to, and through that story (Return From Exile) is constantly asking why she followed the spirit of what the Jedi are taught, and was condemned for that. Pick of the Week Memoirs Logos Minus Pity KOTOR aboard Star Forge: The climactic battle, and even as it ends, she regrets... This piece was outstanding! The mixture of past memories colliding with a fight to the death and how she could have so easily won if she'd just given into the Daark Side. In my own Genesis of a Jedi, this scene was a lot shorter. I had her learn how to release the souls from the trapped Jedi from Ajunta Pall, had the Star Forge make a grenade that would remove the Force, and used it without even worrying about it's range or long term affects, and that she had loved Malak after he lost his jaw, but too late for him to accept it as anything but pity. But this was really good... Pick of the Week Kreia's Teachings Darthpower166196 TSL, No specific time given: Kreia compares the Sith and Jedi by the one thing they both have in common The piece was far too short to get a read on style, but the subject matter was good. In my own Return From Exile, having the Force taken away was likened to having all of your bones suddenly disappear, and how the strength you once had is now gone. Birthday Gift DreamALittleBitBiggerDarling KOTOR on Manaan: She owes him a present... The piece was pretty good. Having that be given as a present is actually old hat, but I liked it. Pick of the Week Knights of the Old Republic: Resurrection Revenge's Apprentice Pre KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Shared dreams lead to a shared bed An interesting way to begin the story. Instead of waiting for their meeting on Taris, you have them both admitting shared memories, suggesting a force bond, and that the main character might be trainable as a Jedi. Ending mind you, with them in bed together; if only to sleep. And they have not even gotten blown out of the sky yet. At Second Glance Ephemerale TSL On Onderon after Civil War: The title says it all The piece was fun in it's own way. Atton doing something she would never have anticipated, then when she is feeling closer to him, does exactly what she would anticipate. The byplay works well. Saints and Sinners Zerbinetta Pre KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The seven virtues intermixed with the seven deadly sins, KOTOR Style Had time to only read the first, but it described envy very well, the skills of our heroine with those upset about them. Orbit Ephemerale KOTOR on Nar Shaddaa: Atton confesses The piece is really not bad. The author gives few details, but after all, you get few from the actual game. That is not a dig, just because I sometimes get pedantic and take the same scene and run it into about three times this length, doesn't mean everyone has to. The Blba Tree cellostargalactica Mandalorian Wars on Dantooine: Mical yearns to be chosen The piece was well done. The only negative I had was talking of the war lasting years, but if I remember correctly, the Jedi only got involved during the last four years of it. So having the Exile leave so late didn't feel right to me. No biggie, you can't please everyone. The Echani Way Ephemerale TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: You can learn so much that way... When I wrote my own piece Return From Exile, I had used the 'Get Handmaiden for female' Mod in the game because frankly, I didn't like Mical from the start. So when we come to a scene like this, you have all of the Handmaiden/Atton scenes. And instead of facing off against Atton, I had this same fight with her instead, though not with the sexual overtones. Like this, and a previous story I read this year, the primary focus was on 'what do you learn from your opponent'. Very well done, even down to the dirty tricks each play to win a round. Dangerous Games Nyghtraven Pre Mandalorian Wars AU: Revan and Bastila grow closer. The peace is nicely done. Of course there are some authors on the site I expect quality from, and Nyghtraven is one of them. I thoroughly enjoyed the byplay in the first chapter, and wish I could read all seven. But there is nothing stopping you. Tied for Best of the Week Screwed Ephemerale TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton and the exile get down and dirty, sort of... This is the third of Ephemerale's stories I have read so far, and the writing has been well done and fun. This one especially was fun because you have a scene that almost goes for a home run, but we understand why Atton pulled back. Pick of the Week The Old Republic; Rise of the Sith AndyLLFrazier Mandalorian Wars: A Jedi flees the battle line to carry important news The main quibbles are the 'exiled' status given to the man, and why the Mandalorians might have occupied Korriban, which is a Sith stronghold. The claims made by the one returning, and arguments for or against are valid; as himself a Mandalorian, he could be spreading disinformation, but by the same token, his warning is, as we know the truth. The last quibble is more with what the author said. You have to remember that during the war, the Council would have met with, and even received reports of what was happening. As an example, in KOTOR when Malak and Revan found the Rakatan computer on Dantooine, they would have been right there a short distance from the Enclave, down to Revan's mask. The idea that they could have landed, gotten the information, and gotten away unnoticed is rather stretching it. If I am correct about the reports, Revan would have had to lie convincingly. Coming Home hannahb0nana Post TSL: As the Jedi pair finally return from the Unknown Regions, Revan reflects on all she left behind. For a first fan fiction, this was pretty good. Oh there are problems with the style and wording used, but nothing major enough to quibble over. The only thing that saddened me, is that she hasn't written anything in over three years. If it was because no one commented early enough to inspire her, I can only say: Shame! So if you're reading this, and have not read this work yet, read it, comment on it even if all you can do is say 'I didn't like it'. Because every new writer needs to be told when they are doing something right! STAR WARS The Old Republic: The Mandalorian Wars AndyLLFrazier Mandalorian Wars: Analysis of a battle Technical note, Superiority of an enemy: If you took simple numbers, so many men per side, both WWI and II were foregone conclusions. Germany and her allies were going to lose. But those wars lasted four years and six, and Germany literally held the rest of the world at arm's length. If America had not entered the first, it would have ended in a draw, because the Germans had already forced the Russians into a revolution, and the Western Allies didn't have the skills and by then the manpower to beat her. So the idea of perhaps a dozen systems being more powerful that an alliance of perhaps 100,000 worlds doesn't gel. Superior tactics and leadership is the answer to both of those situations. Poor leadership until the Jedi came forward. What you have created is what in wartime is called a 'panacea' target. During WWII, the Allied High Command picked specific things necessary for production or defense and aimed at them. Attacking all of the plants that made ball bearings or fighter aircraft manufacturing for example. The idea was that by destroying these, the German war machine would grind to a halt. But that never worked. In fact the Germans were building as many FW190s at the end of the war, as they had been before that bombing campaign. The piece didn't really work for me because neither of your Jedi are anyone I can either cheer for or hate. The Mandalorian one pretty much violates what the order stands for, since he had a countervailing loyalty to his original people. The other was even more difficult to accept because something like battle meditation must have happened before, so the idea that the Masters were completely clueless didn't make sense. Doubt Republic Gurl Ten years after the Treaty of Coruscant: A doubt grows in a young padawan's mind The basics of the story were very good, though you need to sight edit. Some of the sentences were cumbersome, and a bit confusing. Every one set on a specific goal in life has doubts, this shows someone who stepped away from the line of what she is taught is proper, and now has to find her way back. What of Dreams Code name Anrui Yuy Between TFU and TFU II: The dreams are all that remain The piece is tightly written, the scenes believable and well wrought. The agony when she knows it was just a dream feels right. Pick of the Week In the Turrets Ephemerale TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Enroute to confront Atris, the Exile and Atton contemplate what to do at the adventure's end. Technical note, dating: When you're going over what they had done and when, you're using the BBY timing. The problem is, only one people on the entire planet have ever counted years backwards so far as I know, and those were the Mayans, because their calender (Which expired in 2012) was linked to their belief in a 5200 year 'sacred round'. It would like our own proceed until the end of the first, then would be counted backwards until it reached year 0 day 0 and start again. As I have pointed out previously this year, while a lot of authors use it, dating conventions have caused us to change when something happened, but were not in use at the time. CE (Or the old AD) was not even suggested until the 6th century, and wasn't in common usage until the 8th. As I sarcastically commented, it would be like going out to buy a book on the life of Jesus a year after he died, and finding it published in 1 AD. That being said, the story was well done, the relationship maturing as time goes on. Swan Song Horsecrazy2 Battle of Coruscant in TOR: Even knowing they will fail, the Jedi fight on. The only negative about the writing is to remember to sight edit. For example, a riposte is an attack that begins with a block. Another is that with a metal blade you turn it to make sure it does not get trapped by the suction, since a lightsaber blade is cylindrical, and would merely cut it's way out, it would be unnecessary. I'll Never Forget You SnipsSkywalker End of TFU I: She will never forget the man she loved Remember to sight edit, and unlike most, I'm not dinging word usage or grammar. I'm dinging you on the flow. Part way in, you had the character say she didn't believe he could feel such emotion, but it's only in a following one that you say love. In the previous sentence you had gone on about anger and fury. But not love. That being said, it was short and sweet, and I liked it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 17, 2014 Author Share Posted December 17, 2014 Someday MISSPAPERSCISSORS KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Revan deals with the recent Leviathan revelation Remember to sight edit. I noticed you left out conversation breaks, which is minor. The piece is a good look at the aftermath. Mission having nightmares, Carth not at all forgiving. It made me wish I could read the next five chapters. Full Circle MidoriLaboratories TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton considers what will come when the Exile discovers his secret Remember to sight edit. Some sentences were cumbersome because the wording didn't make complete sense. Memories of Shadow Shadows Of The Storm TSL: In a vision, Revan gives the Exile a way to find her path This is the first time someone has suggested that Revan actively helps the Exile using visions. Well done. Pick of the Week The little big group The Blue Menace Imperial era: A team of clones are assigned to missions The first problem I had was with all of the misspellings (Ammo is spelled Amo for example) and grammar (wile is intelligence, you meant while). But the primary problem was you were rushing the story from place to place. And using the Death Star to deploy in. This would be like using an old Battleship to deliver a single medium helicopter to the missions. Star Wars; The Old Republic Book I GTHOM Capdom Set in TOR: The secret meeting with the Clans doesn't go quite how they planned... The primary problem was you needed to sight edit. You used the word honed (Sharpened) rather than homed (As in finding a location). The piece needs some serious polishing to rewrite cumbersome sentence structure. Technical note, the rescues: Neither of the rescue scenes quite jelled with me. Primarily it's because I know too much about actual operations. What you have here is two people assisted by droids (Remember how easily they were slaughtered in the Clone Wars movies) facing off against the Star Wars equivalent of a Spartan base camp. Even the kids are trained, and training is what saves a soldier that very first time in combat. Some of it was generic, not an insult, it's just there are only so many ways to write a torture scene, and you followed the herd on this. Having his partner be a Jawa was a fun touch, and even the Bill and Ted references made me smile. Dreamer A Pleasant Reader TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: After a nightmare, you can curl up with a teddy bear, But she has Atton available... A rather nice little piece. Her analogy, that the Jedi temple oozes peace like a Hutt does slime was a cute touch. Brotherly Talk Resacon1990 KOTOR on Kashyyk: Canderous tries to help Carth with his new relationship. The piece was relatively well written, but it failed in a major fashion as I went on. First, Canderous is totally out of character. You have him laughing at a really stupid nickname, being easily defeated by Carth in a brief fight, then hugging Carth. A warrior is trained to react to an attack. That is why people who have been in combat have to take time to come down from the alert status that kept them alive. We here in the US noticed this only recently, try since the Korean War; because before that, a soldier had weeks to get used to being in a safe environment again, not days or in the case of those coming back from Vietnam, maybe only hours. I could even accept that Morgana had betrayed him sexually, but turning her into yet another Darth? When you write in someone else's universe, think of it as being allowed to play in a neighbor's yard. So don't decide to rearrange their flowerbed. Stars Resacon1990 KOTOR on Manaan: Carth has a confession I had the same problem that I had with you're last work I reviewed. If you had marked either as AU, I could have accepted it, but all I see is someone digging up the flowerbed... Who Am I? Azure Fields TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile really needs a hug The piece is a lot of fun. The scene is well done, and makes you want to smile. Pick of the Week Iridescent AprilRyanMyFriend KOTOR on Dantooine: Revan is buried in old memories, especially a promise. The piece is the one thing you don't see often. The ship on Dantooine after the attack. Reading it, having pretty much all of her memories returning as she stands among the ruins. And remembering her promise, and leaving to keep it. Best of the Week The Special Case of The Old Republic Mike The SyrJirk KOTOR on Tatooine: He doesn't even know where to buy a clue The piece needs sight editing. You said the instead of they for example. The piece is a pastiche of the events on Tatooine before leaving the town, and is a lot of fun in an odd way. Commenting on the accuracy of his compatriots, on the enemy using the same old dialogue, and dealing with a recalcitrant HK47 just to name a few. Malachor V: Final Words Jabberwalk TSL on Malachor V: Kreia's last words to her Padawan The piece is short and sweet. It isn't what the game said, but I thought the story was weak anyway. So go for it! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 29, 2014 Author Share Posted December 29, 2014 Had problems, so I am taking off until the first of the year. One problem I had was week before last when this forum was down and I was unable to post. So before I go... Revan's Return Anara Rand Post TSL: They are barely back, but they have another mission in mind The writing style is good, the interactions relatively well done. The primary problem I had is the length of the chapters. Most who come here to read our work tend to not have a lot of time. I for example, do a column a week, and looking at something larger than 35,000 words, but in only two chapters, means I have to take a lot of time with it. That would probably explain why you have only two reviews to date before I saw it. But you do have two favorites, so it isn't all bad. Memory Chisscientist Post KOTOR: Back home, the heroes of the game get their rewards The piece is all right, but it is a bit too lovey dovey for my tastes. The thing is, considering the harsh way the Exile had been treated just a few years before, it didn't quite jell for me. Let Me Flooj9235 Post TSL: First she must forgive herself The piece is like most of the author's work, well done and thoughtful. This view of someone slowly self destructing is part of what you know Revan would have gone through. Forgive Me Shadows Of The Storm Post TSL: A Dark Side Exile begs forgiveness from those she could not save Short, and all introspective, the idea that one of the Sith Lords would have gone to this length makes sense. The piece is nice and dark. But, I happen to like 90% cacao chocolate. Pick of the Week KotOR IM Madness The Prince of Torture Post KOTOR: A little IM fun The piece is short, made even more so by breaking it into three chapters. The only negative I had with it was I think Revan started the dissing first, so why prank Carth? Sandstorms and Solitude Delvman No specific era given: A lone Rodian wanders the desert of Tatooine The piece is quite good. We have no idea when it is set, but the idea that the only one he can depend on his his cat (Who is as big as he is) is a stock image done well. Pretty Wakkomonkey9258 Pre Mandalorian Wars: Even Vrook can say something nice. The piece is very well done, and the only negative I had was the constant 'this leads to the Dark Side' cant you seem to get from every Jedi Master. From the context, I think the pretty girl was Bastila herself, and she, like any girl her age, merely wanted another opinion. Pick of the Week Absence Fluidfyre Post KOTOR: He didn't know it was goodbye. The piece covers part of canon that most gloss over. Either it's just 'Revan Left', or finding a not afterward. Having her say goodbye to Carth, but him not realizing it until it is too late, was well done. Pick of the Week The little big group retired The Blue Menace No setting given in the first chapter: The calm before the storm The writing style is jerky, jumping from point to point like a grasshopper. A lot of the titles given (Random preacher, for example) suggest you're letting the story get away from you. Also, even when it's a bunch of friends talking, everyone does not have to say something. There is no character development beyond the fact that one of them works as a preacher, and that on the whole, they like Quiznos. The biggest problem with writing the column, is I have so many irons in the fire, I don't have time to read much more than a single chapter. I finished this first chapter more confused than anything else. Bastila's Surprise Party Ryo Kaida Post KOTOR: All the troubles of setting up a surprise party The piece reflects the desperate measures of such an event, but this is a bit too frenetic. part two of the little big group retired The Blue Menace Continuation of the first piece: The crew settles in for a movie night This one was almost as confusing as the first. Again, I didn't have time to read further. Though the Spanish Inquisition (While anticipated) was a nice touch. Revan's Letter Wylde Wolf KOTOR, no specific planet given: Revan decides to go it alone The piece is pretty much a goodbye letter. We don't know if it is during the game, or right after. The thoughts on each however, focus on things that happened when they first met, rather than on what had happened since, leaving a void. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 7, 2015 Author Share Posted January 7, 2015 Coruscant Entertainment Center Formless: Chapter 5: The Selection Msficwriter Continuation of the series. Selection day The piece has interesting symbolism. The idea that everything you have done wrong according to your station in life manifests as an organism that will devour you eventually. Fanfiction.net [/url what is truth synedoche Post KOTOR: Revan faces yet another test at the hands of the Sith Emperor The piece had an interesting flow to it. My only question is where the Emperor happened to get a Jedi to play this part? Especially one unwilling to even contemplate mercy? The Echani Chronicles Marianne Bennet TSL on Telos: The Handmaiden thinks of what she will find when the Exile arrives The piece was a bit uneven. The work is good, and having her yearn to escape from both her sisters and Atris well portrayed. I am wishing I could read on to see how you dealt with the oath-breaking scene. When I saw MB's name, I wanted to make sure I had not missed any work up to date. I had missed two, but since I can only say whether I like of dislike poems (My own poems are usually so bad) I do not review them. So apologies to the author... The Many Woes of Bastila Shan Marianne Bennet KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: An argument ends with a plaintive question MB has been before our eyes before, and she does good work as this shows. The only real negative I have is cutting herself. To work with crystals, you use tools designed for gem cutters, and they are not really sharp, more like chisels. The Third Order Effiron TSL on Nar Shaddaa: The Dark Exile has had enough of Atton The way it's written flows well without the usual 'drowning kittens' attitude of most people who write darkside material. The primary negative I had with it is that a sonic grenade is not as easily shaken off as the game implies. Which is why they should have inserted a flash bang. Forevermore JediYvette one year post KOTOR on Tatooine: Revan leaves, but not without regrets Remember to sight edit. You have a habit of not finishing sentences, such as making a description but leaving out articles. Beyond that a very well done piece. I especially liked your read on the Jedi Council. The idea that 'sure you saved the Republic, but we still can't trust you' resonated with my own take on them. Don't You Wanna Stay? TheLightIsMine Clone Wars: A new discovery for a clone The piece is fun because you almost never see one of the clones finding something this new. I loved how the author kept going back to all of his training, but this wasn't something he learned there! Pick of the Week The Reason Salem Anderson KOTOR after the Leviathan: It takes time, but Carth finally accepts The piece was very well done. Her striving to stay in the light bolstered by Carth's finally accepting her as she is. Pick of the Week Timeless Kingsdaughter613 Between TSL and TOR: Trapped in stasis, Revan fights back as he can With both of the heroes from the games either dead or in stasis, I understand why the author has done it this way. Seeking Answers So Done I Cannot Even TSL At the Beginning: Fighting through the droids, and dealing with the Force again. An interesting take on the scene. While basically generic, having the character pretty much tossing away the dialogue of the game is something I enjoy, so keep it up! Speculations TheLightIsMine Clone Wars: Even if they are Clones, they're still men. So what do you think they're talking about? As I've said before, TLIM does good work, and this is no exception. And yes, they are talking about exactly that. Pick of the Week Just Breathe The Raider One year Post KOTOR: His last words are a prayer. Primary Negative; When the largest number I have heard quoted for Jedi at any time is 10,000, how could millions of Jedi have died during the Mandalorian Wars? That being said, the scene is poignant, and fluffy. All good. Pick of the Week Not over yet Danielyob TFU II: He didn't die, and that was a big mistake As I've said before, I have never played either Force Unleashed Game. I see no reason to buy a game system and a computer, so I didn't. This scene is obviously from the second game, and is different from others. Starkiller is alive, but Juno is dead. And he's right, Vader won't see this coming. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 14, 2015 Author Share Posted January 14, 2015 So late it's not even funny. First ran into a raft of stories where the average chapter is over 3,000 words, then I have been wrangling with a guy over at the baen books site over how much I (Remember I am 61) know about road conditions before highways were laid. So instead of reviewing, I have been thumping him upside the head. It will be here by next Monday, I promise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 20, 2015 Author Share Posted January 20, 2015 A discovery of a shocking nature James R Ward Three Months pre ROTS: Obi Wan Kenobi finds a link to the past Remember to sight edit. You forgot the possessive (It's Satine's bodyguard) and some conversation breaks later. Having a secret order of Jedi is not a new idea. The Expanded Universe is rife with break away sects that later merge back in. The only odd point is the idea that all of the main characters from the KOTOR games are buried in the same place, and that the Main Character from TFU has an ancestor there as well. Someday Moondoe Clone Wars: Someday, Niner will say it The piece is an interesting aside to the basic story line of the Clone Wars. The idea that the Kamino are mixing DNA to create other weapons is perfectly acceptable. You would assume Thyme is also in the accelerated age format as are the Clones meaning that at about the same time the Republic Commandos were being gestated, so was she. Perceptions FyreBrande KOTOR on Manaan: Both of them have to deal with new emotions The piece went from witty remarks to dry recitation of events. Nicely done Knights of the Old Republic: Revan's Mark Gipper 40 Post KOTOR: The battle rages on in the Unknown Regions A lot of action, and I approve except for a few minor quibbles. Technical note Hyperspace Intercept: Remember that except for Interdictor cruisers, nothing reaches into hyperspace to attack a vessel. You would have to have an idea of where a ship is going to place a ship to make such an intercept. Think of trying to stop an aircraft that left New York, but you don't have a course for where they are headed, but scrambling fighters to catch it anyway. The grenade being thrown at the Apprentice. Considering the amount of Force powers he later showed (Running as fast as the speeder while still making attacks), why didn't he just make a Force Wall and have it explode far enough away to keep him from being harmed? Second, You didn't have to say 'underwater' for a torpedo. All torpedoes after the War Between the States here were underwater devices. Because out of the water, they are called missiles. Third. Even assuming a speeder bike is limited to speeds you might expect out of a modern day motorcycle, they are still fast; on a highway here more than 100 KPH. But the average running speed assuming you are sprinting is only around thirty KPH, about the speed of a horse. So you have someone running the equivalent of over three times that speed, and at the same time still firing Force lightning, throwing rocks and later a boulder. KotOR 3: The Return of Revan TheDude5000 TOR era: Remember to sight edit, and especially conversation breaks. Think of your story line as a road leading from here to there. You can have some problems along the way, but forgetting breaks is like adding an unnecessary traffic jam. Technical note Stealth: Since stealth systems were not common in the Imperial Era (TESB, or 3,700 years later) and not in ships as small as a light freighter even then, it is unlikely that anything as small as the Ebon Hawk (Same class, and probably smaller than the Millennium Falcon) would have one without pretty much converting the entire cargo holds and berthing area to try to jam one in. Remember that modern day stealth aircraft use three layers; composites that are pretty much radar inert, angled or smoothed to deflect any radar away from the source, and in the B2 (Don't know about the fighters) a layer of copper mesh that absorbs the energy. Fine, against something as primitive as modern Radar would be compared with 21,000 years of technical advances. But like the old Star TREK original series, you need something more to defeat them. Technical note Droids: Considering a 300 year technological leap, why didn't the Empire use a more modern droid for both? Plus, considering that in TSL either the HK50 line or 51 line was destroyed, and the new models being programmed using HK47's gestalt, why would one allow itself to be reprogrammed at all? Having never played TOR, I still enjoyed this piece. Of Mentors And The Force Soxman Pre KOTOR AU: When the two Sith Lords leave Kreia alive and connected to the Force, she sets out to reshape the Universe I called it AU for a reason, Kreia does all this work from a distance, then has to be on Taris to implement it. So having someone who is known for messing with your mind be there to assure that Revan is himself when he awakes there is obviously AU. But the machinations are superb, the listing of Bastila's emotional problems well done. https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7641981/1/Dirty Dirty TheLIghtIsMine Republican Commando: He hadn't expected that... LTIM won a best body of work award, and this is an example why. You could see some guy who is used to being around men under all conditions, who is suddenly struck with the fact that at the moment, he's living with a woman, and doesn't realize that yes, you are going to see her taking a shower, and not knowing what to do. The scare The Blue Menace Continuation of the author's story line: More of the same Since any group of commandos who had survived a war wouldn't be this strange, I am still wondering how they survived their first battle. What's a Title? So Done I Cannot Even Both games: Vignettes from both games The one I did get to read was very good. Pick of the Week Shades of Gray Nicollette Knight 2 years Post TSL: Life is never black and white The piece does what a lot of others do not, explore the fact that as Atton said, life is shades of gray, and love is not a negative emotion. Best of the Week The Journey yuuka-hanamaya Post TSL: The Exile give out her last assignments The piece needs polishing to bring out it's potential. Some of the sentences are poorly written, and while you get a sense of urgency from the Exile, it more like 'the writer is making me do this'. Knowing Moynal KOTOR: As the Author said the the blurb, KOTOR meets Groundhog's Day The piece is pretty much 'I die, but I come back and get to do it again' once. That is, if you remember the movie correctly, pretty much what happened except it's just waking up. I think the author should have ended it differently. In the movie the man went through it until he got it right, and there are so many options between Dark side and Light side, relationships you can have, and different ways to finish the job, that this could have been 100,000 words plus and still building. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted January 27, 2015 Author Share Posted January 27, 2015 Test Run For My Online Writing Course Msficwriter Non Star Wars: A 500 word fictional dissertation on faith Having read her work before, there were no surprises for me. But I did get as they say, 'food for thought' which is very good from any writer you might read. On the Unknown Island Samuraibrarian KOTOR on the unknown planet before the Star Forge: As Revan still deals with who she was, Carth finally offers assistance The piece was well done, the idea that she mediates better in motion an odd but not unknown twist. We had to have Carth find a way to show his support, and this was a good way to do it. Destruction of Taris Samuraibrarian KOTOR Enroute to Dantooine: Revan reacts to the carnage they have witnessed. The piece is an expansion on the one scene after the destruction of Taris, and is well thought out. The idea that she is showing Jedi like reactions to what had occurred is something you do not see often, but Bastila (Who I remember had not said anything of the sort in the game at this point) saying she has to take the woman to see the Council is a new twist. I'll Show You Mine, You Show Me Yours Samuraibrarian KOTOR on Tatooine: Discussing old injuries Though basically a rehash of the similar scene from the Lethal Weapon series, it was nicely done. Smuggler's Tale Fiskerton During Mandalorian Wars: Remember to sight edit, especially for where you need conversation breaks. When you're writing, you are taking your readers down a road. Sure there will be bumps, delays, etc. But forgetting conversation breaks is having the lights go straight from green to red without the amber, and doing it unnecessarily. You also tend to use incorrect words. The Mandalorian boarders are going to overrun the defenders in example, not overrule them. Technical note, Ship nomenclature: While civilians, and the service crew aboard say a cruise liner will use the terms they are used to for the customer's benefit, an actual working crew uses the nautical terms. Look at this article, Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out. Technical note, boarding actions: If you are boarding anything that is not a warship, you would use existing hatches, not burn through the hull. If you did, you now have a hole that has to be repaired, which is merely extra work. Look at this article, LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre #11 Boarding Actions; The Few, the Proud where I use the actual boarding of the Tantive IV in ANH breaking it down from the attacker's viewpoint. While there is damage to the inner door, the outer one should still be intact, making the ship something that can still be used. Because if you burn through the hull of a merchant ship, you are merely wasting ammo and men to capture something that will need extensive repairs. A typical 'smuggler getting hit by troops situation. As I pointed out above, there are problems with the piece, but nothing major. Coming Home Buddyboy98 KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: Revan and Malak reminisce in their own minds. The situation is interesting because you have the one outcome the game does not allow. A reconciliation between the pair, and the decision to give up the order to be together. Very nicely done. Pick of the Week KoTOR 3: Return from the Unkown Regions XenosMethos Post TSL on Coruscant: As much as he hates it, the Exile must go Remember to sight edit to polish. You used incorrect words sometimes, warmly instead of warm to mention just one. A story always needs some polishing, even professionals sometimes get hung up with that chore. That is why I have my mantra; reread, edit, rewrite, polish until smooth. A nice view of the period before and during the leave taking. Walking the Line Lio76 Mandalorian War Era: A Sith couple give their newborn child to the Jedi While we know the Sith are still out there during the Mandalorian Wars, this is one of the few stories that bring them into that specific period. It reminded me a little of Europe during the 30 years War, and Korea where families would take children and place them on both sides of the conflict intentionally. For You The Raider Three Years post TSL: Atton still can't forget her The piece is basically a generic 'I've been left behind' story. While that might sound like a ding, it's not. Generic merely means it has been done before, not that it isn't any good. Separation SealingWax KOTOR Aboard Star Forge: Carth realizes he trusts her completely now Another generic scene. The hero has to go on with the quest, and even though separated only by a door from following, Carth realizes that yes, he knows she will win this last battle. The Forgotten Rogermein Post KOTOR: A messenger discovers an evil The basic problem I had with this, as I do honestly with something like 90% of the Darkside based stories, is that the Sith just give in to their darker emotions, such as Anakin Skywalker in ROTS. This goes much further and is not for the timid. Interlude in Hyperspace AnnieCD Set I believe in TOR: An Imperial agent finds comfort in the middle between the dark and the light As a first work, I have only one thing to say. Perfect, more! Best of the Week A Placeholder Story of a Roleplay Character LaFilleDesYeuxMarrons Post ROTS: A Jedi in hiding meets someone who knew her master My primary negative is this; with hundred of planets why is this set on Tatooine? Read my article: LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre > Same old, same old Since I knew it was only a place holder, I was able to look at the situation as 'and where will and can the author take it?' From here there are some very interesting ways it can go. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 4, 2015 Author Share Posted February 4, 2015 What It Means to be Jedi Pokey McCor Set in SWTOR: A Jedi deals with part of her past The piece goes from quiet to violent very quickly, which is both good and bad. A Jedi who is that unaware of her surroundings would probably still be an apprentice. Once she stopped playing around and got serious, it was a much better fight. A force of nature Milena Jace Set in SWTOR at the end of Chapter 3: A trap fails, and perhaps he will have to pay the price Remember to sight edit. You used the word clutch when you probably meant grip for example. Having never played TOR, I was unsure of the situation. However, the write brought the thoughts of Quinn forward relatively well. The denouement was good, though the timing didn't make sense. I don't know if that was the designers or the author. Star Wars: Knights of the Old Republic Act I JesseJamesSmith KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins Remember conversation breaks. Technical note, rank: Aboard a ship, you only have one captain. Technically that would be Carth, though he is usually called a commander. Since it is a frigate, which is a small combatant in a modern navy, that would make sense; a corvette or frigate in our navy has someone of a rank between senior lieutenant to full commander, though they are still called Captain. If there is someone of a similar rank (Marine Captain say) they get a shipboard promotion to avoid confusion. So a Marine captain is called Major. Technical note, location of the enemy: If you use our own solar system as an example, you have the enemy fleet sitting a little under 2 billion kilometers from the planet. Yet in the book based on the original SW Movie, the Falcon arrived at only two planetary diameters, about 60,000 KM. When the Deathstar arrived, it was on the opposite side of the planet from the moon, meaning about the same from Yavin 4. Using our own Uranus as a model, that means 101,000 kilometers from the planet on the opposite side from the moon. The piece is nicely done. The idea that Cade had been drinking two different kinds of ale the night before is a nicely done explanation of why he was still asleep, since from personal experience I know that the alarm klaxon will pretty much wake the dead. I Need A Drink Sarah1281 KOTOR Post Leviathan with flashbacks: Revan didn't expect that The entire work was humorous because you have Carth hung up on how strange Revan's memory is. The idea that he kept the name, and almost got shot for it by Carth was fun. Having him say that Carth was an influence because maybe Revan didn't want to have hassles equally so. Then you have Mission reporting Canderous and Jolee in a sexual relationship, but totally misses the one between Revan and Carth... Pick of the Week Sometimes, for no reason I can ascertain, stories will sometimes fall through the cracks. The works below were found because there was a mention in the third story that it was a continuance of another I had not read. Star Wars The Force Unleashed Daughter of Fate Tsukasa007 TFU AU: What if Starkiller had a companion before Juno? The piece was an interesting idea for the series, since one of the basic premises of TFU is to remain undetected. I had to smile a chuckle a bit, since putting a fifteen month old baby on the top bunk is pretty much a guarantee that it is going to fall. There's a reason they call them the terrible twos... The only negative I had was as one of eight children, and the second oldest, I had noticed that most of them aren't talking coherently until well after 15 months. So having her answer a question didn't make sense. And having her not crying. Star Wars: The Force Unleashed Initiate of Light Tsukasa007 AU Two years BBY: A Slaver raid delays their departure The only negative I had was when Galen stopped using the Force to harm his enemy, but stood by and let a Wookie rip off his limbs. The piece was good because here you see the conflicts that Galen still faces, and the blossoming power his adopted daughter has is even more so. Star Wars The Force Unleashed: Moment from a Dream Tsukasa007 AU over a decade after Initiate of Light: Galen feels deja vu as he sees his family For all three stories, I have the same thing to say, which is my writer's Mantra, reread, edit, rewrite, polish, repeat until smooth. Basically what I would call an all's well that ends well story. Nicely done. Fallen Brother Shadow0Fire End of Republic Commando: Sev plots his revenge As a first work, it isn't that bad, but I have my writer's Mantra, that I tell pretty much everyone to correct that: reread, edit, rewrite, polish, repeat until smooth. The situation is grim, and I have only one negative. You describe him as the best hunter, but then say he has no patience. The best hunter is the one most patient. As an example of what I mean, read the book Point of Impact by Stephen Hunter, where you have a sniper waiting for his shot. Chicks Dig the Metal Jaw Divvanzor KOTOR: Some guys are just so desperate... Lucky for me I have a habit of putting down my coffee cup when I read, or I would be cleaning it out of the keyboard. Malak comes across as any would be Lothario who can't even buy a clue, Revan as the object of his desires, who ignores pretty much every attempt to get into her pants, and the things he does to get from point A to point B are a riot right up until the end. Though it wasn't the romantic ploys that cracked me up the most. It was her complaining about Paperwork. If you don't understand, I suggest you click on the story link and find out... Best of the Week The Omega directive Dorvalla Set in TOR: Two Imperial agents receive their assignment One thing, cut back on your use of exclamation points. It is rare that someone is so emphatic, and having their boss tell them pretty much 'I am your boss, and you know it' would not be necessary. It would be like the present Secretary of Defense calling up a senior military officer, and telling him 'I'm the boss'. This would only have made sense if he were a recent replacement. In an episode of the old Munsters TV show, Herman was caught in a Russian fishing net, and the people aboard reported to Moscow. In the radio room there, the senior officer comments, 'take this to our glorious leader. Oh, and who is our glorious leader today?'. When the mans snaps to attention ready to reply the officer says, 'I was joking'. The only other negative I have is having a Chiss. In the Canon, the Chiss were first discovered right before the Clone Wars, and weren't that well known until the New Republic. The Middle Way Orym Hawksong AU pre-KOTOR: A Revan that is not Darkside is boarded anyway Technical note, Treason: When you have a traitor, especially one in an upper echelon position, you can't guarantee that he will be assigned to a specific ship. More likely a subordinate would go. Think of say a Rear Admiral lower half (what would be a Brigadier in the other non naval forces) as your traitor. He would probably send say a lieutenant or maybe lieutenant commander aboard as an 'observer'. That man doesn't even have to be a traitor himself. He could have been told to report frequently, probably on a specific frequency in a burst transmission, and one of those reports would have to be their arrival at Taris. So the enemy are only told to monitor that frequency, nothing more. And that Rear Admiral traitor doesn't even have to give the order himself. Merely call personnel and have someone assigned with those orders. So he has a cutout that would point at maybe hundreds of senior officers. Face it, at the modern Pentagon. Lieutenant Commander is an entry level position! [url=]https://www.fanfiction.net/s/7008977/1/Something-Done-Right[/url]Something Done Right BunBun Fett KOTOR On Taris: She's looking at muscles! The piece is fun for me because I have watched so much Anime. You have Carth and Canderous showing off muscles, and like they had in My Mai Mai, her focusing on the big muscles Watch Episode three to understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 12, 2015 Author Share Posted February 12, 2015 A Crusader's Tale Boofus Set in TOR: A warrior reaches his end, but he had a good run Technical note; Evacuation: Since you have a planetary population, evacuating the non combatants off planet is an impossible task. If you were merely relocating them away from the fighting instead, that is possible. I almost just scanned the work rather than reading it. When I see multiple tens of thousands of words in a single paragraph, I think of the time, even if I read fast. But when I hit the battle scene, I had to focus. You had a lot going on, and it all fit together well. The blow by blow was choice, and the actual weapons being used well portrayed. The sonic grenade using the one way into the Assassin’s helmet and the effect of Cortosis (Which most people seem to think will act as I think it is Phrek) better than average. But you haven't written anything else in three years. What, you don't love us anymore? Pick of the Week Something Done Right BunBun Fett KOTOR On Taris: Caught in a cloud of Testosterone... Basically a series of vignettes. The first, which I had a chance to read was a lot of fun, Canderous and Carth acting a lot like two Alpha bulls with a female Revan caught in the middle. A lot of fun. Pick of the week Sith Inquisitor: Ascension Revan Vakarian Set in TOR: Two Sith face off to see who will live Remember Conversation breaks. Think of traveling from where you are to another town by road. Sure you might have problems (And when you have a story, the problems are what is important) but if you forget them, it's like throwing a traffic jam in without wanting to face it, and every time you do, it makes it harder and harder on the reader. Soon they will either be confused and frustrated, or mad enough to merely go to something else. Also cut your paragraphs up. A proper paragraph is usually between three and five sentences with a specific subject for each usually mentioned in that first sentence. Again, you are making the reader work to read the story. If a story is too much work to read, it will cause the reader to find something else. The scenes were good, but the lack of conversation breaks was also added to the run on paragraphs making it hard slogging. But both of those comments are minor problems easily corrected. So as I tell just about every writer, reread, edit, rewrite, and repeat. Then polish until smooth. The Seeing of Faces Wakkomonkey9258 Decades Post TSL: Trapped by the Sith Emperor, all Revan has remaining are memories of love The basic problem I had with this is the idea that the torment could last so long. A personal gripe. But it was an interesting take on the situation. The Hunt Ridiculous Wobbles No specific era given: A Hutt sets up an assassination The basic idea is good. But the author did almost nothing with it. The attempt to kill him made no sense, and using his ship as a kamikaze made sense only if he had one to replace it. Having the one female be assigned as his bodyguard does not bode well for her. Knights of the Old Republic: Prodigal Knight Hpjedi1 Pre KOTOR: The smuggler isn't even given a choice This is the generic rendition of Revan being 'recruited'. The primary negative I had with it was the idea that she hasn't been given s choice. She doesn't have prison or service, just service. Kiss and Tell Arachnid IV Set in TOR: Something unexpected Having not played SWTOR, I was a bit confused. Having a Jedi explain a mission (That causes a lot of deaths among Jedi later) didn't make a lot of sense to me. I had to agree with the author that the 'kiss and steal' is old hat. Not a total failure, but confused readers does cause problems Knights of the Old Republic: Theta squad Jack Cypher Vex Pre KOTOR: A team carries out their new assignment The primary negatives I had with it was first sending them on a mission just to see if they need a replacement for a lost man. When you train such a team, they are a valuable asset, and sending them off like this for the reason given didn't make sense. Second, even if they are trained specifically by Revan, why are they important enough to have a secret so closely held? Last, if the True Sith knew of the existence of the Star Forge, why didn't they assure that they had agents with Revan to let them know? Passion's Purpose CMBaggs Pre SWTOR: A Sith Inquisitor is rescued for a higher purpose As much as I dislike dark side works, this one was intriguing and fun. You have a girl who is pretty much stuck in a whorehouse, chosen by what you might call a Sith Talent Scout. Which makes me wonder about the Jedi, since if my figures in Return from Exile chapter 32 are even close, there are over a million possible Jedi/Sith, and it is circumstance and the age limitation that kept the Jedi ranks so thin. Pick of the Week Return of the Prodigal Knight ChaosIsGolden Set During Clone Wars: The body of Revan is used to create a clone of the ancent hero Remember to sight edit, especially for grammar. You used sight instead of sight, then waiver instead of waver for example. The idea is both old and new; taking Revan into the present to fight yet again, yet doing so as a chilrd who must be taught is an interesting twist. Birth of the Templars Darth Snowfist Pre SWTOR: Another player enters the game The piece was introspective, and dark as pitch. The entire rationale of the killing is based on assumptions that will be put to the test. Callisto Assault Outre nar Ficta Orbis Mandalorian Wars: A quiet planet is attacked, and Revan will have her revenge At the end I was finally sure of who the woman was. The idea that she had a valid personal reason to go to war never came up in the game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 16, 2015 Author Share Posted February 16, 2015 Other: Test Run #2 For My Online Writing Course Msficwriter Non SW: A girl listens to a religious discussion, and comes away troubled The best reference I have seen to this phenomenon is the book Job by Heinlein. In it, the devil of all people walks hims through the first lines of the Lord's Prayer, and points out that it is pretty much a blanket submission more complete than even the one used by Islam. I have never understood the logic (If you want to call it that) of creating a species with free will, then telling them that they must deny any hope of it to succeed. It isn't surprising that so many will fail, it's more a surprise that any at all will succeed. Drunken Christos200 A Wuxia adventure: A typical night at the bar Technical note, Sumptuary laws: Every society on earth until the modern age had nobles, peasants and merchants, and because a merchant can make money more readily than either of the others, all of those societies created Sumptuary laws to 'level the playing field'. In China this would mean the merchants can wear and display certain fabrics and accoutrement, noblemen more sumptuous fair, and the Imperial House more. So saying this one man is an aristocrat, yet is dressed better than the emperor, makes no sense. Technical note, fighting in this situation: Having the Aristocrat decide to fight some blacksmith does not make sense. Look at it this way: Paris Hilton is out nightclubbing, and a girl gets mad and wants to fight. What happens? Answer, she looks to whichever bodyguards her grandfather has sent, points at the woman and says, 'deal with her'. No nobleman is going to be wandering around without some of his retainers, and those retainers will be quite willing to beat some fool who challenges him. While your title focuses on the man drinking, you spent more time on the sword fight than you did on his problem. The old republic: Dreadnaught Arashi Kazama SWTOR after battle of Coruscant: Revenge is sweet Remember to sight edit. You have misspellings, improper words and cumbersome sentences which slowed me down when I was trying to read. Also very important, conversation breaks. A reader enjoys a story more if they don't have to literally go back and figure out what is happening. That is the writer's job. Do not consider this a serious ding. I could give you a list of a number of well known authors who have made all of the mistakes I mentioned. Just not all in a single piece. Technical Note, Meeting location: Saying, 'meet me at the cantina' isn't a big help. Look at it this way: I live in Las Vegas Nevada. If I told someone to meet me at the casino bar, the first thing they would ask is which Casino, then which bar? According to the Nevada Gaming Commission there are 72 casinos in the metroplex, and all of them have at least one bar. One casino a friend usually stays at, the Excalibur, has by my count seven bar areas, and two night clubs. Basically, what I see is a reprise of the scene from Attack of the Clones, and I have to wonder why the Sith Lord is still on Coruscant. After the attack broke the truce between the Sith Empire and the Republic, he wouldn't have only one Jedi chasing him, because there are more than the ones in the temple. Dark Desires: an Old Republic Story Psychopithicus Pre SWTOR: As a young Jedi trains, across the galaxy a plot unfolds The piece was interesting, but having only time enough to read the first chapter, it fell a bit flat for me. The idea of using Revan yet again to conquer the Republic has been done, and this technique, which appears to be using some of Revan's DNA to build a Sith Trueblood counterpart is at least unique. The End Defrazr1 Set I believe in SWTOR: Now the battle is over Remember to sight edit. You used snipers as in more than one when you meant the possessive sniper's for example. It's minor, but you aren't really done writing until you have polished a work until it is smooth. It's only the aftermath of one battle, but it was an interesting take on it. Razor's Edge Reliquary SWTOR: Revan still plans to win The primary negative I have is having never played SWTOR, I do not know how Revan could have survived the intervening centuries, and how he would have known his descendant. Beyond that it was a nice look into a mind now focused on nothing but revenge. The Final Confrontation Xephtastic TSL on Malachor V: Darkness and the Light fights for her followers The piece had the Exile fluctuating between dark and light while Mical and Atton had their confrontation to no real purpose. Having Sion join her in confronting Kreia was a different touch. Echoes of Exile Balthassar TSL on Nar Shaddaa: The Exile finally tames Atton Remember to sight edit. When you had Atton going through the litany of what the Exile was not doing for him, you included sex, but as something she was doing, when I think you meant she was not. The primary negative I had was she merely introduced herself as an Exile, giving no name. One thing I liked was that this version of Atton has little or no romantic notions toward his associate. Her reaction to his revelation of his past was simply that it was nice to know and be trusted with the truth. New Dawn Fades Ryl00 KOTOR Aboard the Star Forge: Revan must stop Bastila's pain The piece is defined as partially AU, but I didn't see that here in the prologue. It is one of the many ways the scene can go, and I have to admit I had to peek at Chapter One, so I know what happened. A pity I don't have time to read further. But there is nothing stopping you. Pick of the Week Oneshots of atton and the exile Tombraider97 The first of these caused me to smile, because we see the Exile not as a leader or a Jedi. But as a depressed woman who chooses a typically feminine way to deal with that depression. Identity Ash Veran KOTOR Before Endar Spire: A mercenary/smuggler is sent to the ship The piece starts before the battle, and is an interesting way to lead into it. However having her just pretty much go with it when told she's been assigned didn't gel for me. If you have the chance, watch John Carter of Mars where he does everything short of mass murder to avoid being drafted into the service after the War Between the States. First, if she is a mercenary, she got out of the official military because of the difference in pay. When I was in the Coast Guard in the early 70s for example, I was originally paid only 124 dollars a month, and topped out at just under 400. At the same time, a starting mercenary's pay was about 2,000, and before you question it, yes, having a skill set of handling small boats would have been considered useful. Knights of the Old Republic Princebejitsama KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins The piece was saved from being generic by showing both sides of the battle. The only negative I had was the idea that the fighter were totally unnoticed before attacking. You would need something for them to hide behind, which means the battle would have to be taking place in the asteroid or Kuiper belt for them to approach that close. Also, why is the Endar Spire on the edge of the system rather than closer in? Survivor's Guilt TheLightIsMine Post ROTS: Two Clones share more than just being brothers Like all of the author's work, this read well and like a good beer, has a clean finish. People these days seem to think soldiers are heartless monsters, but they are men and women just like we are, and losing someone you care about hurts. So these two men are sharing the pain of surviving. Lost colors Revan Sama A Decade before the Mandalorian Wars: The life of an apprentice The piece needs some editing, but beyond that, the idea is sound. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 24, 2015 Author Share Posted February 24, 2015 The Monk and the Temptations Christos200 NSW Fiction: A young monk finds a temptation he cannot resist The piece is actually well written, kid. The situation one any who follows life can easily understand. The idea for priests with most religions is that you are supposed to put aside your own desires and help everyone, so having him choose for his own happiness does stop him from making mistakes later. Let Me Burn Shadows of a Dream KOTOR After Leviathan: Revan sees a vision of her past The piece is a well done study of being trapped in a nightmare. It isn't until the end that the character has enough control in it to take off her own mask. Pick of the Week Left in the Dark EmmOnasi Five years Post KOTOR: Carth is left with more than the Republic to protect. The piece was nicely done, the story of course about his life with her mother. As Carth said at the end of chapter one, it would have been nice to have an instruction manual. Personal Logs: Sien Zoth Sien Zoth Set in SWTOR: A Jedi makes a personal log The basics are dry, but personal logs always are. The description of her companions pretty much boil down to 'they are both horn-dogs' though they both do have some redeeming qualities. Fixing Him Epona's Chosen Republic Commandos: How do you fix this? While the author seemed to think the work was a bit of slash, it wasn't. Having another man willing to hold you when you cry is part of being a soldier. The piece was well written and worth a look. Wound and Light Cellostargalactica TSL: On Coruscant, Mical is assigned to find the Exile I have only one major peeve about this story, and that is the idea that no one remembers the Exile's name! I mentioned in a previous comment on another story that while if you ask an American who Benedict Arnold was, the answer would be 'the Traitor', he wasn't just called the traitor through the rest of his life, even here. The piece was interesting because here you find a bit more about Mical. I know from the game he is one of those who can become a Jedi, but the idea that he had been one has rarely been explored. I was ready to ding the author because of the 'Mical using the Force' to find her, but like Visas, he is also someone who could have been a member of her crew. Cacophonous Harmonies Cleopatra Antoinette SWTOR I-Pod Shuffle: Two lovers through their memories The piece was well done, and the actual contest itself choice. As I do not have an I-pod, I will not do it. But this makes me kinda wish I did. Pick of the Week Memory Kosiah Post KOTOR: Stripped again of the Force, the survivors of the Ebon Hawk protect Revan I spent several minutes considering this piece. The ending they used is a rarity, that after going to the Dark Side, Carth is able to bring her back and allow the Star Forge to be destroyed. It built on that end so well that I wish I could read on. Best of the Week Fixation Epona's Chosen Republic Commandos: Sequel to Fixing Him one month later, the relationship goes further The piece is a bit of fun with the two clones dancing around the subject. Only a little slashy. Batteries TheLightIsMine Republic Commandos: Will he never shut up? The piece is fun in a 'when is he going to kill the SOB' way. As the author points out, people have different reactions after coming down from a sudden burst of adrenaline, and the two main characters of this piece show two of them. Irritation, and being suddenly talkative. Putting them together in the same compartment with weapons... Her Dream Epona's Chosen Republic Commandos set between True Colors and Order 66: She just wants a real life. The piece is poignant, the Jedi General wanting just the normal life anyone else could have. Pick of the Week The Ways of the Force KiWillis SWTOR: The difference between selection processes Remember conversation breaks. Think of a story like a road from here to there and back again as Tolkien said in the Hobbit. There are going to be problems along the way, but forgetting to break the conversation is like throwing in an unnecessary traffic jam as you turn onto the road. The one thing I liked is there is a distinct difference between the two masters collecting their new students. Too often (Especially with those who seem to think the Jedi are just going to grab a newborn infant) you see the Jedi using the same procedure the Sith used, except for the direct violence. I remember one I read a few years ago where the Padawan with his master literally held the family in a stasis field while his master collected the baby. Knights of the Old Republic: The Endar Spire Little Bassoonist KOTOR on Endar Spire: The adventure begins Technical note, sword lock: As often as you see this happen in movies, Especially Star Wars movies, it is actually a rarity. If the blades are pressed together at the Forte (Bottom of the blade near the grip) it comes down to who is stronger, and that is a way to get killed quickly. The piece is relatively well written. The main character comes across as competent in his field, I wish they had a listing of hits as well as comments for the simple reader. You have them on your own publish screen, but not for ones you read. This one deserves comments. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 1, 2015 Author Share Posted March 1, 2015 Final Project for my Beginning Writers' Workshop MsFicwriter NSW Fiction: A young woman sees out world in a different way. I can see why you got a good grade on it, kid. People don't realize exactly how another race might see us, and having this extraterrestrial see us as something so deep within ourselves that we no long communicate is interesting. Not Quite Right ThoseRandomTigers KOTOR AU: Hiding inside her own mind, Revan waits for her chance. The piece tended to ramble. Oh I got the fact that Revan is still there with memories intact, but she's just drifting along pretending instead of doing something about it. SWTOR: And in the Shadows, Chains Unbound ABSilverstreak SWTOR after Tatooine: A tender moment in an unlikely setting The piece had an interesting feel to it. You would never expect one of the Sith to show compassion, and having a man who thought himself a slave being shown a gentler side to one is surprising. I know the author expected flames, but all I can say is, even if the two characters are not humans, this showed a human side to both. Fixed up Epona's Chosen Republic Commandos AU: Sequel Fixation, Two months later, what happens when their brothers find out? I sort of expected the result, and there's a reason for it. When I was born, being gay was a crime under both civil and military law if caught. But times have changed. While the physical act is still listed in some states (It was the reason President Clinton was disbarred in his home state of Arkansas) and under military law as illegal (At least the actual sex act), society has become at least a little more forgiving. In the intervening 60 years. The problem I had when Clinton announced the 'don't ask, don't tell' policy was that you have to be very lucky to conceal such a relationship for long. And in the military of Clinton's time, instead of a court martial, you got a medical discharge instead. Late Night DangerGirl7283 Set during Clone Wars: Sometimes, you just need a shoulder to cry on. The piece is by the author's admission, just a bit of fluff. But it was a nice bit of fluff. Lost and Foundand Found and Found Kisa Darkhorse 14 years post TSL: Maybe she found him this time The piece is funny in an old comrade and long term room mate way. We know from reading the AU and the reactions of the two main droids in the movies and Clone War series that the longer you allow their memory, the more personality (To use a nice term) they develop. Slapped By A Dead Man Epona's Chosen Republic Commandos: Besany is suddenly confronted by the truth about those she knows The author has a beta I have already tagged for best combined works; TheLightIsMine, and it shows, because that author wrote a story based on the same incident. EC's take on this is excellent because those who stay home almost never see what their significant others do when they are soldiers. Not that every soldier sinks to torture, I mean 'what do you do on deployment'. This is something everyone understands on a practical level. As the old Marine comment (Used by Jerry Pournelle in his Falkenburg's Legion series) goes, 'your a marine to die. It is the government that decides where they send you to die'. As a simpler more prosaic form goes, a marine is put between our nation's enemies and his people so if someone dies, it won't be an innocent civilian. Pick of the Week Mold of a Dead Man Shadows of a Dream TFU II: Memories of a dead man The piece is a good read considering what happens in TFU II. I have never played the game, but I have read enough stories based on it to understand the basic story line. So having the memory implant done on a clone, and the addition of Force powers would logically mean he remembers what the man did know. At the Heart Buddyboy98 Pre KOTOR AU: What if Revan knew what was going to happen the day he was captured? First remember to sight edit. You have several cumbersome sentences, and improper grammar. Technical note, zones of responsibility: A battle group of whatever type of ships have areas they cover, and one thing they learn is to cover that area and leave the rest to other ships. For the shuttle to approach the flagship, they must come from the outside of the perimeter, and they are going to do what they can to avoid being caught between two enemy ships. Also, if an enemy shuttle is approaching another vessel, you do not fire at it, because you might accidentally fire into the ship you are trying to protect. So the gunnery officer should have been reporting the shuttle so communications can inform the target vessel. The idea has been done before, the problem with the piece is you spend too much time explaining to pretty much everyone involved, and in far too short a time span. All of the preparations should have been made and done long before the battle began, so having Revan explain to the commander, then go down to the Dark Jedi barracks, then return to the bridge is wasting time. No Regrets Davin Sunrider 32 years post TSL: Some of the Exile's followers go to the Unknown Regions to find out what happened to their teacher Technical note, Star Forges?: The problems with this concept are legion. First, why would the Rakata have needed more than one? First, if you have one factory that can churn out thousands of ships,you would not need another. Second is defense. The Star Forge was built in their home system because if things began falling apart (Such as a civil war, which we know did happen) it is where the existing government would need it most. Perhaps the rebels might have wanted one of their own, but you would need one to see and comprehend what it does and how it works. It is like reverse engineering. The Russians, with help from spies, stole enough secrets to field their own first atomic bomb in 1948, but at the start of WWII, every major combatant on both sides had the technical know how to have built one, so they had a starting point in common. But without that information, you have someone saying 'this is what the government built, and this is what it does'. So they would start from scratch, and have to spend their time developing the tech to do it again. Meanwhile, the government that has the Star Forge must have spies of their own, so it is unlikely that the rebels can build one without being noticed. As an example tied to the WWII comment above, both the Germans and Allies were working on an atomic bomb, and the first step in making more plutonium is building a breeder reactor, which uses heavy water. That was why the British along with the Norwegian underground sabotaged the Norsk Hydro facility in Norway. My main question is why they waited thirty-two years. While I enjoyed the battle and rescue scenes, it was pretty much all I personally enjoyed. The Black Talon Pallid Psychopath SWTOR: A disobedient officer is dealt with The piece was short and sweet. However, wasn't Moff and therefore Grand Moff a title from the empire founded by Palpatine? Graceful Debacle Cleopatra Antoinette No specific era given: Just a female captain and a member of her crew This is the second I-pod shuffle story I have seen, and like the other is was an interesting way to script the scenes. Star Wars: An Unlikely Hero Chryphex SWTOR: A very unlikely hero The basic story line is pretty generic, a small group of natives who can use the Force attacked by the bad guys, and some kid seems strong enough that he is of interest to the attackers. But a Rakghoul? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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