machievelli Posted February 4, 2013 Author Share Posted February 4, 2013 Fanfiction.net Of Sith and Jedi Old Friends and New Lossefalme TSL aboard Harbinger: Atton meets some old 'friends'. The piece flows relatively well, The situation well portrayed. My primary problem with it is the same problem I have with the game itself; being a brute who tortures at the drop of a hat is too stereotypical. Death of a Savior Lady Kenoka KOTOR after Leviathan: Carth decides on vengeance Logically, the piece covers one option for Carth in real life; that he would kill Revan. I just wish the author had let us read the last letter too. Beautiful Disaster MadameLupin TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile considers her relationship with Atton Only two problems I saw, first, in the sentence 'his body almost of their own violation' should be volition. Also you left out aword in the sentence 'overwhelming desire to kiss him. But I restrain' (myself). There were two things I liked about it; first, her actions toward him. I had Jolee make a sacrastic comment in my own version of KOTOR about if the Jedi wanted to desensitize their students to things like sex, they should give them comprehensive training rather than merely expecting them to abstain. After all if the last two thousand years are any indication, it didn't work for the Catholic church. Also the comments on the dark side. If you have read Dark Rendevous, you have a discussion where Count Dooku is trying to convert Yoda to the Dark Side, but all of his arguments for it are linked to personal gain. In the same book you have Ventress trying to convert two Jedi Padawan, and her arguments are more cogent and hard hitting. Knights of the Old Republic: The New Order Arcaner Two and a half years post TSL: As the order rebuilds, new problems arise. Remember to sight edit; some words will slip past because they pass a spell check such as 'thinner then Bastila though(t) safe'.Also,you tend to not finish sentences. The sentence 'He looked more ruffian then anything else' doesn't scan. Without 'like a'. The scene where Atton defeat the assassination attempt is perfect! Having the opponents Atton and Mical as the strongest proponents was also choice. Only read one chapter, but worth a look. Pick of the week The Adventures of Korron Zeria: The Saber Quest Corey M. Smith No specific era given: Gathering components for a lghtsaber... I didn't have a chance to read the entire thing, but this was good. New Dark Side Ending for KOTOR JediTears09 Post KOTOR: Another option... The piece is choice because it gives another world version of the end of this scenario; Revan and Carth together even after she had fallen. Knights of the Old Republic III: The True Sith Master Chef 505 Post TSL: The fist crew bands with the second to gather their mentors home Minor point. If you are going to have your character cough as they speak the actual cough itself shoud be separate. Remember to finish sentences. It's a Cheshire Cat. Remember to sight edit. A woman would not rap (music) her arms around someone, she would wrap them, and kill should be killed/ The Exile would met, not met. Except for the things I have mentioned above, the piece is excellent. Pick of The Week Stay Jiara Anatalis TSL enroute to Nar Shaddaa: The Exile confronts her fragile memory The author has done good work as always, bringing out the despair felt by Bao-Dur in his General not remembering him. In my work the Exile had a hyper acute memory; at one point when Atton tells his secret she rattles off the number of men that died under her command. But it could have easily gone this way as well. Pick of the Week Remembering to Forget Plebia TSL on Telos: Two old comrades meet, and both are glad they don't remember too much The author clearly defines both characters even in so short a piece. This one of those I wish I had time to read fully. Pick of the Week Waiting in the dark Danena TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Atton awaits his judgment. The piece flows very well, the idea that for the first time in a long time he is willing to actually let a Jedi read his thoughts an interesting twist. Well done Would You Light My Candle? BreeLady TSL no location given: Well, it's one way to make the lessons fun The piece is light and fluffy, the Exile using a simple method to teach Atton, and at the same time having fun with her affect on the man. Very amusing. Mandalorian War Lore Xion92 Mandalorian War Era: The final confrontation before Revan departs While competently written, the story doesn't gel. First, consider that the Council would not let Revan leave if he acted this way. It's one thing to have a disagreement, then leave to follow your own path. It's quite another to attack one of the Council members and be forcibly ejected. Look at it this way; In 1861, while both sides of the argument as to whether the States had the right to secede was bitter and acrimonious, there was no open conflict before Fort Sumter. In fact the Southern Cadets who resigned from West Point marched out with the band of that institution playing Dixie. What you've had Revan do is the equivalent of those same cadets taking control of the arsenal, stripping out every weapon they can carry, and shooting anyone who stood in their way, which would have drawn an equally violent response. They would have arrested him on the spot. Also, Vandar doesn't speak like Yoda. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 9, 2013 Author Share Posted February 9, 2013 Fanfiction.net Wedding-Day Achalys TSL: The worst day in Atton's life Remember to check spelling visually. For some reason my WP program is refusing to spell check, which means occasionally I have to stop and manually do so. As examples you spelled Malachor wrong, and used cept (as in except) instead of kept. Also rememberconversation breaks. You have the conversation leading up to the fight all in one lump. The piece is a bit confused emotionally between Atton being irritated, then willing to let go. Considering his mood and the generic feel of the wedding, it is good that he didn't arrive during the 'does anyone know why they can't' portion. Meeting A New Friend EragonPeep Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Revan and Malak meet the Exile for the first time. Remember to sight edit; you have the pair 'sho' ing their charge around. Then you have the other pair(s) walking off. It was interesting having a prepubescent boy looking at a girl the same age and defining her body as "I'll be your friend no matter what the circumstances!". It is the age where you can now tell boys from girls by such a thing, but most boys at that age still don't react to the difference. The author gives us a 'voice' to assign to Amanda, and visualizing it made the scene work. I was reminded of the point where Harry and Ronald from the first movie become friends with Hermoine Granger, except for the groining. Well done. A Miserable Hymn BreeLady TSL after Nar Shaddaa: Visas mourns a lost chance The piece fits Visas like a glove. She has no experience in the matters of love; less than even a young Jedi. So if someone pays attention to her, she's unsure how to react. Being supplanted by someone with experience would hurt her more than Mira being rejected would have. Pick of the Week Knights of the Old Republic Ending Sir Nicholas KOTOR on the Star Forge: The end Remember to do a sight edit. You used where (Location) instead of were. Remember conversation breaks, during the conversation between Revan and Malak, you combined the conversation into paragraphs. The work is basically a generic retelling of the final battle and escape. Stuck Aboard the Ebon Hawk Popsot Post KOTOR: Now what do we do? I don't know... I expected the angsty let down of an infantry unit, or the gasp of relief of any group of warriors who have survived. Instead I got high school pranks with Canderous as the bully, and Carth being humilitated by a parade of friends and his mother, Zalbaar finally telling Mission that her nickname for him is a gross insult in his language, and (Shudder) Disco. A lot of fun. Yuthara's Gizka Bald As Malak One Year Post KOTOR: Yuthura Ban finally finds healing The piece is like all of BAM's work. It is a gentle time of healing, and having her rescuer merely be there until she is willing to socialize fits well with the gentle scene. Her last words to the little animal before she goes to sleep in the first chapter tells exactly how antisocial she has been through her life. I wish I could read the other four chapters. Pick of the Week Falling with Grace Lyra Skye Pre KOTOR: A look into the lives of the characters The piece is an interesting aside from the carnage we know will follow. Merely two young people finally willing to speak their minds. There are five more chapters, but as always, I don't have the time to pursue them. The Untold of Adventures of Revan Popsot KOTOR/Halo crossover after Leviathan: The ship needed repair, so they stopped at the Halo... The piece is a bit of cutesy fun. Having the Master Chief, his suit AI and the characters converse got a little weird. After exlaining their exactly similar purposes; "...We're tasked with using super-human abilities to put an end to an evil empire...Cortana, isn't this where you pop in and make some smarmy observation?" Cortana replies, "Usually, yes, but I'm fresh out of material." That and HK acting like a kid in a candy store using the ship's chain gun... Knights of the Old Republic Fury Of Heaven KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The adventure begins While the author was faithful to the dialogue of the game; usually something that bores me to tears, I had a lot of fun reading the internal dialogue. The character comes across about where I did when I had gone through the intro for the fourth or fifth time; irreverent, irritated by the constant harping of Trask on the fight through the ship, and also frustrated with Carth's lines. For the love of Force Darth Phex KOTOR From Leviathan to Star Forge: It's beginning to get weird... Remember to sight edit, you have Carth wining (dealing with the drink wine) instead of whining, and Malak as a medal (Award) head instead of metal head. Right from the start this is not what I expected; Throwing Bastila onto the bridge to confuse the enemy. Having Saul confess he loves Carth, then having Rena (Revan) making sarcastic comments about her being Darth Revan, but no one thinking they're funny... The Legend of Revan Episode I: Enter the Shadow FreeHandMan06 Revan's early life: The Masters judge their students The problem is that the 'prophesy of the Chosen One' is being used too often over four millennia From Revan here to Anakin. Back in the '70s I wrote a short story since incorporated into the second of my Gryphonrider series where the main character finds an adventure in a pub. As the editor that rejected it commented, everyone seems to think the bar is where to start, which is why it, like the prophesy mentioned, is hackneyed. Flip Side of a Coin Boom Boom Because of the brevity of part one, I had to read part two. The largest problem is the work needs sight editing and polishing. You used through to exterior instead of through'the' describing vibrations, then called it a sheet fleet. The title fits the work; first having Malak seem to weary of the war, then having the heroine freeze because it's happening too fast, then realizing that the reason Trask won't look at her is she is in her underwear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 16, 2013 Author Share Posted February 16, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center Youth RevanSama Pre-Mandalorian Wars AU: When you need a trasure hunter, sometimes you get more. Remember to sight edit. There were several places in just the first posting where we had problems... it wasn't easy for her son neither. (Avoid double negatives, so her son either) determinate should be determined. much and leaved. Should be left. didn't took it back should be take it, not took. saying that with those guys later should be earlier, and surprise(d) by Revan's stubbornness. The premise, that a Jedi could dream of what might have been was excellent. Pick of the Week Fanfiction.net Thoughtlife StormTorrent KOTOR after Leniathan: After leaving the Ebon Hawk, Carth reconsiders. The piece needs some sight editing and polishing, but on the whole was well written. In fact, my only negative comment is technical. Technical note. Of course you had Mission say she had equipped the escape pod with a hyperdrive, but remember that 4,000 years later, fighters still need warp rings to use hyperdrive. An escape pod is not designed for long range deployment. It is basically a can full of air with rudimentary engines and controls for basic navigation and communication. It is enough to hopefully keep you alive until you reach a nearby planet, but little more. But nearby is in planetary systems terms; being jettisoned say near Neptune, and reaching Earth from there. Unlike Captain William Bligh who sailed an open boat an epic 3,618 nautical mile (6,701 km) voyage from Tofua to Timor after the Bounty Mutiny. Carth would not have that option. Bligh at least had the advantage that he had access to the same forces that drove his own larger ship earlier. How to Bother Carth Handmethatcookie KOTOR Non-Canon aboard Ebon Hawk: All right, who told Revan about Myspace? It's of course, not of chores. Of course I am usually leery of non-canon stories. And I almost always come down on people who can't tell a hatch from a door (you don't have doors on a ship, kids). But I was giggling about ten paragraphs into this, so I'll let it slide. If you picture Revan as a young teen, and Carth as her father, it couldn't have gone better. Eight chapters, which I don't have time to read. Damn it. Pick of the Week Star Wars KOTOR II: The Final Waltz Dante-raven 2 years post TSL: One of those left behind has to deal with the possible future The piece like a lot of the Force Vision stories is a bit surreal and fast paced. The last line of the prologue; that all of the fighting between the Jedi and the Sith is interesting. My ex-wife used to joke that the First World War was a family disagreement that the rest of the world was invited to. Knights of the Old Republic: A scoundrel's story Jedi Master Rimsek During TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Having survived Goto's interference, two smugglers have things they have to do. It should be pollutant laden, our turrets, not out. These are sight editing problems, so no biggie. The piece is short as the author said, but a lot was packed into it. The aftermath is interesting, since a lot of what is discussed by the pair is logical, with comments about needing a pair rather than a single engine, and other repairs or replacements necessary. A pity the author got only one review. Pick of the Week 54 Years of Age Achalys 16 years Post KOTOR: What every man fears forgetting... Remember to finish sentences. It should be; 'He looked worse than (their) daughter on her bad days, and even though he loved True, that was saying (a) lot'. No biggie, I sight edit my own stuff because I do this occasionally too. Having been married twice I know how horrible it can be when this happens. The piece is funny because all the clues are there; the calendar at home, the calendars on his desk. As an old friend would say, he couldn't buy a clue if you told him what store to get one at. Worse yet, his big save, the button under his desk isn't a secret to his son, so it gets revealed at just the wrong time... I for one was lucky. I always remembered the anniversaries, which ticked the second ex off to no end, because she forgot it. Pick of the Week Another Path to Follow Milady78 TSL AU: When Obi Wan is not chosen by Qui-Gon, the Force finds a way... I usually don't have time to read more than a single chapter but this time, the prologue required that I take the time. The basic idea is intriguing; the student is not going to be taught, and the Force takes a hand to make sure he is. In this case going so far as to transport young Kenobi 4,000 years into the past. I still hadn't had my questions answered by reading the second chapter, and this is in a way very good; an author should draw you into the story, and make you want to read on, even if it starts with a WTF moment. Pick of the Week A Selkath Festival Atoz KOTOR on Manaan: While taking some down time, the crew hears about a dance... The piece, like the one above, required me to read further just to figure out what is going on. Festivals are probably one of the only things every people of our world have that are universal, though the why and how of such a celebration is always different. I didn't have time to read very far, but it sounds interesting. So You DO Remember The Thermopage Remember to sight edit because words will slip past because they are properly spelled, even if they do not fit. For example it is scared (frightened) not scarred (having scars) The premise that the memories are there, but just locked away makes sense, because when you delete a file on a computer it really hasn't been destroyed, only sequestered until overwritten. But the idea that they can all be accessed again is dangerous. Unless you know why the person made some of his decisions, you cannot explain his actions. So having them there to review can cause untoward actions. The Phantom Menace HoratiosBabyMama Cowritten with Mithostwen: A recast of the first movie The piece was a lot of fun. Having the characters replaced by those from KOTOR worked and worked well. Jolee replacing Qui-Gon was a very nice touch, and his driving his padawan Bastila to distraction is like the spice in spice cake. Oh, and Batu Rem is the security guard replaced by the assassin sent to kill the Exile and her crew on Citadel Station. On major Hiatus, and that bothers me; I wanted more! Pick of the Week An Exile's Path SidiousSith TSL on Malachor V: The escape is only the beginning... You went from third person to first about two paragraphs in. This is an editing problem, so it's no big worries. Setting up the follow on as they escaped was a nice touch. Parenthood Tatooine92 Clone Wars with Delta Squad: All right, what training manual do you use for this? When I see Tatooine92 as the author, I know I'm in for a treat, and this is no exception. The idea that a combat team is suddenly saddled with a kid, and an affectionate one at that is a fun way to start. The one thing I liked about the Clone Wars series is the way the Clones deal with children. Too often, writers equate soldier with brainwashed homicidal monsters. But even the worst armies in the world, with a few notable exceptions, are still human in their actions. It is true, regardless of the propaganda of America's enemies, that if you go back just during my lifetime, the memory most children have of an American soldier is some big guy from another country who is handing out candy, or bandaging them. I wish I could read it all, Steph. Pick of the Week Snowfall BrokenFate117 During the Jedi Civil War: How Jaq became Atton Remember to sight edit. You say he hadn't like rather than hadn't liked killing. The premise is not new, but the method of healing is. By changing all of the heat to ice, it is burned away, his act in killing his savior just the last gasp of his previous personality. Very well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted February 23, 2013 Author Share Posted February 23, 2013 Fanfiction.net The Dark Side of Love Vila Restal KOTOR AU aboard Ebon Hawk: The newly fallen Darth Revan strikes My only question is why you called the piece AU except for his love interest dying first? Atton's Mind Achalys TSL no specific time or location given: Atton gives the reader a tour inside his head. Only one negative, it's either caring or sharing, not charing. An odd turn for Atton considering how he reacted when he found that the Exile had read him. I felt sort of like a shrink using chemical therapy to understand a patient. Dark Messiah: The Beginning Vile Twitch Several years pre-Mandalorian Wars: Where Revan began It is eradicated and answered. Remember to sight edit. You used here (Location) several times when you meant hear. Technical note, Society: First, at age six, which is where you start the boy, you have him hating his own society. But we learn to hate our society because of other opinions at that age. Picture a six year old kid in Nazi Germany around 1938. Depending on his station in life and parent's political and religious bent he would reflect that opinion; I.E. if they were Communists they would loathe the Nazis, If they were jews they would be uncomfortable, Etc. But the child would form those ideas from the way their parents taught them. A German child above would not hate 'Germany', rather he would hate those within that society that treat him badly, like a Jewish boy hating his neighbors who look down on him because of his religion. If you merely had him hate specific people because of the way they act, it would be more logical. Technical note, Society 2: Beyond making the main character an outsider because of how he is treated, you have done little to examine the why. In a warrior society, you would have those who are left out in the cold, but not among those in training to be warriors. While I pretty much loathed the portrayal of Spartan Society from birth to training in the movie 300, it was close to accurate. However a young boy is not going to learn to be a warrior by merely picking two older boys to beat him up. Until he knows how to fight, and why to fight, it's just school yard bullying. Also, as Karen Traviss (The primary writer using the Mando'a in the EU) points out over and over, if they did not accept those who come into their society from the outside, the Mandalorians would have died out millennia ago, just as Sparta collapsed due to trying to keep themselves separate. So giving him grief because he is a half-breed is like giving an immigrant in the army grief for that reason. One way to earn your citizenship here in the US for those from outside our borders is to join and take the chance of dying. Technical note Animals: As often as people in the Star Wars universe use the same animals over and over, unless you transport an animal from it's home to a new environment, it will not exist in that new one. There are similar types; you have big cats world wide with the exception of Oceana for example. It would have been better to merely say it was 'like' a vornskr. Star Wars Battlefront III ThE WROng PersON fOr mE Set in Star Wars Battlefront: More a wish than a story This is more an idea suggestion than a story. To Face Judgement EragonPeep Pre KOTOR: The punishment of the Exile hurts more than her Remember to sight edit, as you can make mistakes but have them pass a spellcheck; for example, butterflies would flutter past, not passed, and the sphere would have an aura, not 'and aurora'. It would be war veteran, not veterinarian. Also, it like a child, not children. And that is just the start. There were interesting clues that, if followed, might give us a lot more backstory about the Exile. She Was Not An Idiot Amme Moto KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: If they only knew... The idea that Revan still has all of her memories is not new, but in it's way the way the author portrays that fact is amusing. I could see people thinking her a bit slow because she doesn't give her name until the end. Technical, Militaria: It would be serial number (As it was before I served in the 70s) but now is called service number, not 'soldier number'. However, your service number doesn't change, so Carth would not have an automatic 'command' rank in his. For that you have instead what is called an MOS, or 'Method of Service' designation. For example, in the Army you have 19B or 19M, which is Infantry scout (B) or Mechanized Dismount Scout (M). Series of KOTOR One shots SnowMiser1825 Posr KOTOR: Revan makes her goodbyes and asks those left behind to help keep the Republic alive Remember to sight edit. First, it is Malak, not The Malak who has been defeated. Also, breathe is the action of breathing, so you meant breath. This is one period not covered in the games beyond the offhand comments in TSL that Revan left, and why. I only read the first of the chapters because I didn't have time to read further. Lost Already Jedi of Ennth Post KOTOR: Revan pauses in her quest for the New Sith, and leaves with a tale of her past The piece is well written, and the world we know so well viewed by people who have no clue what the worlds beyond their world is like. I am reminded of C3PO explaining their mission to the Ewoks. Pick of the Week Shadows and Dust Kendoka Girl Pre Mandalorian wars: Revan begins to gather her followers The Primary problem is that you have Revan setting up the equvalent of the War between the States without considering that such an option leaves no retreat. As I pointed out in a previous review, the War began with a lot of disagreement, but hadn't reached wartime status yet. Historically, when the Southern cadets decided to leave West Point they were ushered out with the band playing 'Dixie' instead of being arrested. If the Southerners had gone as far as you describe the Union would have slapped them down long before they joined the war. Cross Season Vikung Fu KOTOR Dark side ending: The Sith descend on Coruscant The piece is well done, the only jarring note the idea that the Star Forge is capable of hyperlight travel. If it had such capability, the Rakata would have fought over it rather than the planets during their civil war. Because whoever controlled it would rule. There is an old term, 'dog in a manger'. It implies someone who cannot use a resource, keeping others from it. This is the reason the Seti Protocols were never signed by the US, Communist China, or the old Soviet Union. In every 'alien landing' scenario here on Earth, the people who have the landing are a target simply because of the technological leap such a situation would give them. With a mission to either capture or destroy that tech. Kev Likes His Locker Saber Girls KOTOR on Manaan: It's nice to be in the locker... It is very short, and incoherent, which considering the subject is not surprising. A couple of errors; soilder instead of soldier, there instead of their, and deat instead of dead. I Dare You Achalys Setting the choice of the reader: How can you stop a forlorn hope? Very short but to the point. The term Forlorn Hope means a suicide mission usually manned by the gutter sweepings of an army. A mission with a high chance of death, that could change the battle drastically in your favor if successful, but will cost you little or nothing. The final missions in both games remind me of the concept. That the crew of one little ship will alter the course of history with their actions. 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machievelli Posted March 3, 2013 Author Share Posted March 3, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center Kotor: Goodbye my most precious world Revan sama Pre-KOTOR: The revival of Darth Revan did not go as planned Remember to sight edit. You wrote that 'he didn't just gained' when it should be gain, and 'didn't thought' when it should be didn't think, 'how far have they progress' should be progressed, Revan asked coldly, not coldly Revan, stands proudly, not stand, 'Malak has ordered to fire his master's ship' needs 'his crew' after ordered and 'on' after fire. put her hand on his mask, to removed it. change 'to' to and, 'How can someone like this could fall so far?' the word could is redundant. "Mobilized the others Jed-" doesn't make sense, if you bring a wild animal into a cage, even tranquilized you assume the worst, so the others should be ready to strike immediately. An interesting take on the back story, having him appear to be 'cured' before they have done anything. Sort of reminiscent of my own KOTOR novel where Bastila joins to minds and replaces Revan's with the other dying woman. French and Japanese with English third? That explains some of the errors above. Fanfiction.net Rust Buckets And Rude Meatbags DarthPeaches Pre-KOTOR on Tatooine: a young woman will soon meet and old enemy The intro information gives more than the story actually covered. I liked the basics, but there was a glaring inconsistency: It has been ten years since the murders, but that predates Revan building HK by almost three years. This of course assumes (As a lot of writers do) that he or she was the builder. As much as that might be the case it would be easier to assume that HK was incapacitated after an attempt on Revan's life and reprogrammed by the Jedi, ala the Terminator series, where in the second movie a Terminator is reprogrammed and sent back to protect John Connor. That begs the question of the original manufacturer, though finding the factory of HK 50 and 51 droids on Telos (A side quest) might point the way. We also have no age on the girl. How old was she when her parents were murdered? A pity the author stopped here, I really wonder what the answers are to those questions. Chasing Ghosts Faelyn Leaf Post TSL: She's returned... but to what? Remember to sight edit. In the first sentence you had her return 'to' this dump, lose not loose a few hands, see his murder, not she. The basic idea and portrayal is excellent; looking at the aftermath of Revan's hiatus seen after the fact through Atton's eyes. I wasn't able to read beyond chapter one, but I wished I could. Pick of the Week Star Wars Galaxies Tales Tilana Robalo Aramas Sky Set in SW Galaxies Imperial Period: A young child's tale I noticed that you had requested a beta-reader, which is something I was going to suggest. During the fight after being boarded, you repeated the same sequence of events twice in the same paragraph for example. The boarding sequence made little sense, because if you are arresting traitors aboard a ship, you do not automatically assume everyone there is equally guilty just because they aboard her. If that is what you intend to do, it's easier to use gas to knock them all out, and remove the ones you do want, then if you're viscious, blow the ship up. After all, if the now abandoned ship is found someone will ask questions. Remember in the book version of ANH Vader gave orders to report that Leia's ship had crashed killing all aboard. The piece had a tendency to be disjointed. You have her going from a loving family, to being rescued to being kidnapped and sold into slavery, to being sold to someone who gets her to a safe place, covering about ten years in the process but doing it as if merely laying out the situation. Father & Son EmeraldDragon951 18 years post KOTOR: The son of the Dark lord prepares for their confrontation By the end of the first segment I was more confused than anything else. First, the information about the pregnancy suggests twins, after all, you said 'they' a few times, yet we only have the one as the focus of the story. Part of the problem is that the avenging son is an old and hackneyed idea, going all the way back to Mythology. Look at Oedipus, Jason, and Horus, all stories where the child is chosen by prophecy to kill someone, and does when they reach manhood. Making him a grey Jedi does make some sense, but you run right into the 'start to the darkside and you never come back' view. As many have done so and been redeemed, it is sort of like all the things people tell their children about everything from drugs to premarital sex. There I think you did well, balancing out the portions, and finding uses for them at the appropriate times A New Hope Reborn 00augustina00 Pre-KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The stage is set The piece is a generic run through of the game for the two chapters I did read. This is not a negative comment, merely pointing out that you added little to the basic story as shown in the game. My Life as A Warrior Tyrk Set about 30 years after the Mandalorian Wars: A Mandalorian Jedi speaks of his past. A minor quibble; when you're writing a man's autobiography, you're not going to comment on his actions 'four thousand years ago' unless he's immortal. I understand his complaint about being called a Jedi; it's just a title, and marks the person whether he follows their teachings or not. The Waffen SS for example were all assumed to be hardcore Nazis, even though it was the only German formation with a record of telling the Party off when it was a military matter. As a character in the book Watch On the Rhine put it; 'We ignored Hitler and we ignored Himmler, either of whom could have us shot. What makes you think we'll listen to you?'. Military tech note; A Mandalorian radio is part of his armor. Why is the main character A: without a comlink of his own, and B; (Since it's part of the helmet) borrowing one when he could just tell the onsite commander to pass the same order he gives? Absolutely Mental SViolinist KOTOR on Taris: Carth finally gets a chance to speak to his new companion Remember to finish sentences; you have him throw the 'young' over his shoulder. The little there is of the piece is well done. Having Carth come around confused by continuing to escape and evade was very good. I just wish there was more to it. This is My Father's World The Tygre Post TSL: Visas returns to her dead homeworld, bearing the promise of renewal The piece hit me in the gut with the emotions of the returning woman. All of her dreams linked to that one precious seed, and the hope that her world was not completely dead. Their actions were well portrayed, their unwillingness to join emotionally and physically until they had their proof was perfect, almost as if knowing the world could still bring forth life was the key they needed. Having Nihilus not as some dark-side nemesis, but as something Visas had to move beyond was perfect. Pick of the Week Of Droids and Jedi Dooku KOTOR on Dantooine: What if Revan had just said no? The word is ornament not ordainment, and along rather than a long. That said, the piece snuck up on me and had me laughing. The Masters upset about Lane's memories, especially of parts of Bastila's body. Every other thought or sentence Carth saying coming out paranoid, creating a version of the Dukes of Hazard with Daisy played by a Twi-Lek with breast implants, then Malak so hung up on destroying Taris that it has been done eleven times, even having his troops go down to build targets for them to destroy the next time. Not to mention Mission being clueless about why Carth is always watching Lane so she wonders if maybe he's gay. Eight more chapters and I wished I could read them all! Pick of the Week On the Star Forge cigarettes and alcohol KOTOR Aboard the Star Forge: The last battles Remember to end sentences, meaning punctuation wise. Beyond that I see no major flaws. For a first fan-fic the work is well done. It is mainly generic, but the scenes are clear cut and well defined. Having all of them together and the other two party members wait rather than assist is logical, because unless you're willing to merely kill Bastila, it had to be one on one. Removing all of the Force additions actually makes the scene better. I know it's a game, but I can tell by how it was designed that the designers are used to standard Medieval fantasy games because of all of the additions to make equipment more 'perfect', and that has always detracted from my enjoyment. We're Clones, It's What We Do Chaotech Kamino before the Clone Wars: One clone is a bit different The piece needed some polishing, but on the whole for a first work, not too bad. Some of the rules didn't make sense. Having Jango the only one with the authority to terminate a defective clone would keep him tied to the planet for the rest of his life. Also while programming in special skills does make sense, trying for an all around tactical or strategic commander does not. These are things all of them should have been given, and circumstance would determine who is in charge. The explanation about Kamino's weather makes some sense, but axial tilt is what causes major weather patterns on earth, and you ignored planetary rotation,which also has an effect on it. Also a major thing that mitigates weather patterns is land masses that break up or redirect storms. A water planet like Kamino would naturally have larger and more powerful storms. Your Guardian Angel Amy Larsen KOTOR starting aboard Leviathan: The frantic struggle to escape The author waited until we'd opened the link before saying it was a first work, and I think it was a very good one. Having Elizabeth (Revan) falter in her wise cracks when Malak reveals who she was was good, but having Malak be the initiator of the memory stream did not. Having the capability to reach in and bring out memories would give the enemy a tactical advantage that would make it easy to defeat you, so allowing him to do so is foolish. The way it ended left me flat. The team knows Bastila is what Malak wants, having her do something heroic and foolish; leaping into the fight and locking the others out made some sense. Saying 'I'm what he wants' and having Carth close the door did not. However I did enjoy it, and wished I could read on. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 9, 2013 Author Share Posted March 9, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center TOR: Smuggler's Trial Run JasraLantill TOR: A job interview goes well Haven't seen Jasra in years, and this story is one reason I have missed her.The scenes are crisp, the Captain almost a perfect stereotype of the old man who gives the youngster a chance. I could picture his mumbling about young people so clearly. The youngster is just as clear cut, but like a diamond before you begin cutting. Pick of the Week Fanfiction.net The surveys Mark Solo Covering Mandalorian war, and KOTOR: It's survey time... A series of surveys answered by the main characters. I only had time to read the first 3, but there were amusing points. When asked what his first car was, Revan replied that it was a Republic battlecruiser he crashlanded. Malak is constantly flirting, and Bastila is hung up on Revan, unwilling to admit her anger for her mother, and wants to dye her hair blue. Awakening Daemonette19 TSL on Peragus: The Exile wakes up The piece had one thing in common with mine; a dream sequence right before she leaves the tank. That, and the idea that she had once had a son with the idea to me that Malak was the father was a unique twist. She comes across as a woman damaged in life, and still recovering from it. My only real complanit is that it was too short. Pick of the Week Eclipsed Jediknight6 Crossover KOTOR/TSL With Stargate Atlantis: The Jedi reform in a mythical land While warned that it would be non-canon, I was surprised to discover in the second chapter that it was a crossover as well. The piece had a lot of SG backstory which helped, as the Stargate series is far from my usual TV viewing. Mixing Jedi into it made the work an interesting read. The Pregnancy Test GirlyXXXGeek Post-KOTOR: Well we all expected it... It is fun seeing a pair of Jedi acting perfectly normal in this situation. Kale (Revan) wanting aboy named Junior was perfect. And I liked the description of the smile. Pick of the Week Down the Right Path Ghixx Post-KOTOR: A young Sith hopeful finds his feet on a different path The piece is well written, and unlike a lot of those who revel in the darkside, the author isn't just turning good and evil on their heads. The character dissects both Sith and Jedi, and finds neither pure nor perfect, and wishes to be a Sith primarily for his own ends. But someone seems to be trying to direct him anyway. I didn't read past the first chapter, but it was for lack of time. The Enclave Skymaggot TSL at the Jedi Enclave: The final confrontation The piece was written in a very short time, and the word usage mistakes are due to that more than anything else, wit instead of with, the instead of they reveled rather than revealed. All due to haste. My only quibble is the idea that not having the Force will automatically kill the Masters; after all, something like 99.9 percent of the population galaxy wide do not have that connection,yet they live. Light in the Dark Indigirl450 Post-KOTOR AU: Canderous Ordo, not yet Manda'lor, looks on the future. The piece is a soft almost loving look at the Mando'a race; the only jarring note for me was you forgot the old saying Aliit ori'shya taldin - Family is more than blood. The Mando'a would have accepted the child automatically. Pick of the Week Aftershock Gillomee KOTOR on Taris before the bombardment; The calm before the storm Only real negative; remember conversation breaks. I had to go back at one point because I was counting exchanges to see who was talking. One point, why did you have the friend try to steal from Davik? If he were a philanthropist, he wouldn't be a mob boss. Is The Journey Over? Onyx Panthera Post TSL: The Exile picks the best way to relax her 'Fool' The basics, that the Exile uses a game of Pazaak (Which the author points out she is not good at) to determine if she is going after Revan with or without her crew is a bit odd. It suggests she didn't feel willing to try without them. Farewell My Lady Lorelei Jane Post TSL: A returned Jedi remembers the love of his life The piece was very well done, a man remembering the love he had and lost; not from anything he had done, but because of the order. Now that she has married another, he remembers and still loves. Pick of the Week Left Alone: Survivors Layna Danare Crashed on Malachor V: With both of the other women dead, It falls to Mira to first bolster the men's morale, then go to help the Exile Part one of three, a very interesting piece. Left Alone: Last Battle Layna Danare Crashed on Malachor V: Part 2; the final confrontation with Hanharr The piece continues in being interesting. The idea that using their mental capabilities a Jedi can ask another for advice in the middle of a fight seems plasusible. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center Khem loves Killiks Chevron 7 locke During the time of Tulak Hord: Khem Val has a unique appetite... The piece reminded me of an old joke. A Newsman talking to a cannibal leader. He asks him what he thinks of modern technology, and the cannibal says his tribe likes airplanes. When asked why, the cannibal replies, 'they are like lobsters, you can't eat the shell, but the meat inside is good'. From what little I know about Killiks, he can have all he wants. I'll even supply a five pound tub of butter. Pick of the Week Fanfiction.net Dark Messiah: Mandalorian Wars Vile Twitch During Mandalorian War: It's since, not sense, matter of honor, not manner, Remember tenses, it is the damaged conduit. Technical note navigation and maneuvering: In Navigation, a compass has only 360 degrees in a full circle. For any short distance, this is quite sufficient, and before you ask, for combat maneuvering within a solar system, it is more than enough. In plotting a hyperspace jump, a figure as large as you have could be used, since you would have to work with much larger distances. With modern systems (meaning what we have at present on Earth) most consider a minute of arc (one sixtieth of a degree) sufficient. At present, this term is used primarily in judging the accuracy of direct fire with cannon or rifles. What it means, for a layman, is that one minute of arc is equal to slightly more than 25mm at one hundred meter, one inch at a hundred yards. Meaning your bullet is hitting one inch away from the direct aiminging point. While that was more than adequate for travel on earth, in space the distance builds up rapidly. As an example, if you planned and jumped exactly one light second, approximately 300,000 kilometers, you would be approximately 75 kilometers from where you had intended to go. Jumping one light year, approximately 10 trillion kilometers, you would have been 2.19 light hours from your intended position. Our entire solar system is only about 8.5 light hours across. Technical notes, Shielding: Because of the possiblity that a spacecraft could be hit by even micrometeorites, they would have to block at least some impact. They can be overloaded, but would not be nonexistent. What's Gamorrean For I'm Sorry Amy Larson Post TSL: Extended epilogue for Your Guardian Angel, Revan finds a reason to come home. Only one negative. You have Carth's hair insulting his eye. Since that is what affront means. Short but sweet. The idea that it has been so long that Revan actually needs a reason to go home is constant, but still well done. Primal DyrraDegan Post TSL four days after destruction of Malachor V on Rakata Prime: The Exile gets more than an explanation Remember to sight edit; you can accidentally use the wrong word if it passes a spelling check. It's alerting (Warning) not altering (Changing). Main character/Canderous romances are rare, and when they show up I always watch for how he reacts more than the Jedi involved. Having him be a bit forceful giving into his desires, but at the same time unwilling to unbend completely fits with the character. Pick of the Week Return of the Gizka Emalin Originally reviewed at Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater on 22 December 2006. That review, and an expansion of it, is below: A slightly comedic confrontation between Atton and the Gizka from hell. The scene was well set up, and the denouement was totally surprising and at the same time funny. Again, well done. Expansion: Usually I do not expand on older reviews when they become Reprise picks, but this one was written before I knew who all of the characters were. So when I hit this one I went back and read the story again. Now knowing who the characters are, and picturing the humorless Kreia assisting the Exile in pulling a practical joke is funny, and the purple hssiss now means something. Reprise Pick of the Week Crossover Episode 1: KOTOR Vs Mass Effect Miholik Crossover: While Saren Arterius from Mass Effect is studying the alien warship Sovereign, he meets a surprising pair from another universe Having never played Mass Effect (My computer isn't powerful enough to play it) I had to look up the ship in question. My major complaint here is the same as I had with a story from about two weeks ago. Technical note: The Star Forge in KOTOR is a manufacturing facility, not a starship. While you could use the station itself to create and mount weapons and engines, it would not be either mobile enough or powerful enough to be considered a major threat for quite some time. You would have to design it's additions and install them carefully, and that would take years. If you accept the timeline for Star Wars from Revenge Of the Sith to A New Hope, it took the Empire over 20 years to build and launch the Deathstar for example. If Revan (Or in this crossover Saren) used the Star Forge in this manner, the only advantage they would have is that the Star Forge would not need to wait for material to be delivered from other locations, which I will admit would speed things up, but not this much. Imbroglio CarnivorousPineapple 9 years Post-KOTOR On Citadel Station: Revan finally returns, but it isn't the happy ending you would expect The piece is short, sweet, and like a dagger to the heart. The worst thing for the situation is the final line. Pick of the Week Meatbag Status Achalys Mandalorian Wars: HK is finally completed I have noticed that a lot of the younger writers tend to misuse the word 'sniper'. For that matter I know a coworker whos uses the term for a partially smoked cigarette for some reason. In proper usage you do not have a sniper except for a term assigned to a specially trained soldier, you have a sniper rifle (equipped for use by a sniper), or a sniper scope (The actual attachment that converts a regular rifle to use by a sniper). From what I have seen, the SW role playing game has the same problem; a Jedi who is good at throwing his lightsaber for example, being called a Jedi sniper. The piece was funny because this author has HK come up with the term meatbag. Of course his explanation of why he uses the term reminds me of the Star Trek The Next Generation episode with the sentient crystals on the planet they are terraforming calling humans 'big ugly bags of mostly water'. Coward DhtrofIsis Post-KOTOR on Citadel Station: As she prepares to leave for the Unknown Regions, Revan imagines the argument she is circumventing The piece was excellent after reading Imbroglio above. A counterpoint to what wil be at the start and ending. Pick of the Week A little dream Nemoxgirl KOTOR after Leviathan: Can a dream heal the breach between Revan and Carth? Remember to sight edit to avoid using the wrong word or phrasing. For example 'Well… Carth do'. Should be did. 'Apparently did he destroy Telos as a gift or something' should have the word 'did' removed, and destroyed instead. Also wonna is spelled wanna. Considering all of the inappropriate gifts I have heard of, I consider Malak's a bit over the top Knights Of The Old Republic Anaare Pre KOTOR: The first entry into the tomb The piece is far too short to get an accurate view of a lot of the author's skills. The author has a good grasp of the language, though I wonder about drawling as used. Also, remember to sight edit to avoid using taught (teach) instead of taut(tight) Let's Go: Star Wars KOTOR Sea-EnigmaDare Post-KOTOR: Remembering to past before walking into the future The piece is relatively well written. The author doesn't have a complete grasp of English, so there are flaws, however the day I can write one of my stories in Bahasa Malaysia, I'll really criticize them. It is a fluffly piece with a few dark moment as she reminisces about the revelation of her past, and how she interacted with the others of that crew. Then segues into now, where she is married to Carth, and Dustil had married Mission. A nice little slice of life. Decisions of a Dangerous Mind Red Ace Mandalorian Wars Era: Revan remembers the war, and the eventual fall. Companion piece to Reflections of a Dangerous Mind As I said before, remember to sight edit. You have the word plants instead of planets for example. The work is good because you can see the descent into the darkness as the narrative progresses. However one thing bothered me, which I cover below in Technical notes. Technical notes, warrior societies: Over at LucasForums I wrote an article explaining warrior societies at; LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre > How to understand the Mandalorians. The primary reason I did was I didn't like the original game authors' view of how the Mandalorians act generally. While brutal, most warrior societies had codes of conduct that forswear the casual brutality displayed. They also have rigid hierarchical rules; You obey the orders from above, and there is always someone with that authority. But that also means you have to replace that authority if something happens. As an example from history, the Mongol Invasion of Europe started by Kublai Khan ended when he died. Not because they had won, but because under Mongol law, the leaders of that invasion were required to return home and swear fealty to the new Khan. Since the Mandalorians had a meritocracy that meant they had to do the equivalent of electing a new Pope before continuing. Taking the example above, if Kublai had personally led his armies, they would have had to withdraw, choose a new Khan, then resume. As it was, with several thousand kilometers between the thone and the front, it ended that incursion. This is not the only such reverent I could have used. A lot of Native American tribes abruptly ended battles when their leader died leading an assault. A lot of older empires had the same rule the Mongols did. There are recorded incidents where leaders refused this kind of order and were later executed for that hubris. So having some charismatic leader suddenly decide to fight on might be a possibility, but it would have been unlikely. On top of that, what you have set up is a trial by champion, an ancient rite where the opponents agreed that the duel settled the conflict. To violate it would be dishonorable, though there are incidents recorded when the losing side did just that. The best remembered, at least in the Christian World, was when David faced off against Goliath in the Bible. In the Movie From Hell to Eternity. Based on the true life actions of Guy Gabaldon where he convinced Japanese troops to surrender on the Island of Saipan, the General in charge in the fictional account listened to his argument, and ordered his people to surrender as he commited Seppuku. Beyond that an excellent read. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 24, 2013 Author Share Posted March 24, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center Star Wars Rise of the Gallactic Empire battle111 Between ROTS and ANH: The Empire crushes the resistance on Fondor Kaip jau sakiau lapkričio, jums reikia beta skaitytojas. You're pushing the story too hard. You have what I estimate would be a twenty page piece compressed into a single paragraph. Fanfiction.net Duel on Duxn Excerpt Warden Whitetree Mandalorian Wars on Dxun: A battle of true warriors The author's work is clean and crisp, little extra verbiage, the action neat as a pin. The revelation of whom she fights well portrayed. The one thing I enjoyed so much, and praise rarely because it is rare, is the treatment of the Mando'a opponent. He is not a cardboard cutout of a bad guy, but a warrior facing someone he respects at the end. As John Ringo pointed out in The Honor of the Clan, a true warrior seeks not a battle where he wins easily, but a battle against an equal where skill is matched, and even losing is glorious. Or as the Saxon Leader in the Movie King Arthur commented, 'Finally, someone worth killing'. Pick of the Week Choices HanuuEshe Mandalorian Wars before the Jedi intervene: Revan isn't the only one going her own way... Remember to sight edit, the sentence, 'didn't destroy and fight simply for fun of it. you left out 'the'. No big thing, your mind is running on and your fingers can't catch up. We all have that problem sometimes. I loved this one because the author interjected something I had not anticipated; surprising because I love and read history voraciously, and the same thing has happened time and again. Warrior societies who suddenly, for no discernable reason, fall into senseless brutality. The Nazi 'Final solution' is a perfect example, the best and brightest 10% of their population labeled subhuman and worked to death or merely killed out of hand. As John Ringo in his Watch on the Rhine commented; seventy years later, no one can figure out where that collective madness came from. Here we have a man I myself merely made a schemer who killed himself dishonorably on Dxun. Yet he is finding a way to save some he has been ordered to slaughter. Or as the author puts it so cogently, he seemingly has to make a choice between his honor and his duty, his people, or their soul... Pick of the Week Star Wars KotOR III: The Unknown Regions Ferc Kast Three years Post TSL: A Jedi is sent on an assignment The only problem I have with this work is each chapter is far too short. The work is good, but the first three chapters, one of them the Title scroll merely whetted my appetite, and there are ten to go that I do not have time to read. A pity, because it is more intriguing with every post. Knight of the Old Republic: The Unknown Destiny Ferc Kast Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Master Arren Kae sets destiny in motion Ferc Kast has graces us before, and this work like the one above has only two flaws; it's too short and unfinished. We have met the characters, but it stops before the mission begins. Favor the Road Less Traveled... Varimathras Pre-KOTOR: The fall of Revan and Malak from another's prospective The piece was well written, but part of it mentioned below bothered me. Technical note, Drugs: The problem with the scene you portray is that if the work of selling Spice is illegal, why is the Senate bothering to negotiate about a secondary objective; child slavery? Every known illegal drug has medicinal uses, and it is not the production of it but the illegal sale of it which makes it unlawful. So negotiating with a criminal organization to stop child labor/slavery, would be like the US DEA negotiating with the Columbian drug lords to have them advertise for people to process it in the local papers rather than using peons for it. Padawan GatX Ten Years Post TSL: Some Jedi flee government control to forge a new order Remember to sight edit to avoid using the wrong word. For example, you used kept where you should have used keep. Also the sentence, 'We need an out of the way place that no one knows about, and that there isn't any major civilized life on' doesn't scan well. I would suggest We need an out of the way place that no one knows about, where there isn't any major civilized life'. Also the sentence, 'as was his becoming custom' would read better as 'as was becoming his custom'. Also remember breaks between different scenes. Technical note: If Earth's Age of Exploration is used as an example, there would be very few places that fit their criteria. It didn't take any explorer very long to claim anywhere they landed, and only a countervailing claim, such as another European Nation having already claimed it stopped them from moving in to claim the resources. Except for the editing problems I mentioned, the piece is rather good. Clash of the Sith Revan and Malak DarkWarr KOTOR on the Star Forge: The final battle The author is from Singapore, so I will be a little lax about corrections; after all, I do not know where English is as their spoken language, and you don't come down hard on someone who uses it as a second language. However bellow is a noise, you should have used billow, which is a movement. The only negative I really have is the idea that the only way Revan can stop Malak from draining the trapped Jedi one by one is by using the same tactic. Using the phrase 'the ends justify the means' is a cop out. When I wrote my own version of the KOTOR game over at Lucasforums I created a way to free them all at the same time rather than slavishly follow the game's 'kill them all' approach. Assistance from the Dark Darth Reaper Star Wars/Stargate crossover: the Stargate team gets help from an unlikely source Remember to sight edit. You say 'before the fall of the Rakatan empire fell' which makes one fall redundant. You used foul swoop when the term is fell swoop, and you have Kavar comment that Revan 'planed' (Smoothed) something instead of planning it. Also remember conversation breaks. Picture a river flowing; without conversation breaks, it is white water the reader has trouble understanding. With them it is a smooth flow. Remember, as much as we write for our own enjoyment, it's like cooking, you do it to transform the simple ingredients into a tasty meal, and a lot of times it isn't just for your pleasure. Technical note, Galactic travel: The primary problem I had was that the Rakatan had been able to travel from one galaxy to another. I am not saying it isn't possible, just that if the Rakata (According to the game) only ruled 500 planets in one galaxy, why travel to another when they still have hundreds of millions of possible systems in their original galaxy to subjugate yet? It would be like the US government in 1783 deciding to attack and subdue China with an entire continent still unoccupied by them. Also, who made the trip first? If it were the Rakata, the above applies. If it were the Ancients, why didn't they merely withdraw? For that matter, why did the Rakata pursue? Having equal technical capability means it could happen either way, but even if you feel threatened, you wouldn't make that trip without some reasonable expectation of success. Cat and Mouse Fall Out Guirl Seven years post KOTOR: Carth's long wait ends The piece does a hammerhead stall (an aerial maneuver where you climb straight up into a ballistic drop) emotionally. Carth is not living, he's only existing before he gets the word. And like that aircraft, he plummets back to earth in his hurry to see and touch the woman he loves again. Betrayed Lossefalme KOTOR AU after the Star Forge: Left alive at a whim of his ex-lover, Carth is bent on revenge Only one negative, read; Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am going on about. When I saw the number of chapters, 28, I was daunted. A lot of people will post about two pages and call it a chapter, but having read this author's workl before, I wasn't sure. The word count, (over 128,000; equal to just about everything I had posted to this site combined) told me the chapters would be good sized. So with not a little trepidation, I started it. By the end of the first chapter, I was hooked, and I just had to read the second. Have you ever seen the old movie serials where you get a fifteen minute snippet ending at a cliffhanger with TO BE CONTINUED at the end? Honestly, having the hero on the brink of death with no way out, but saying that, I think, was one of the best marketing ploys ever created. And it worked here. The writing is tight and well done, the scenes vivid, the characters leaping off the screen. This is one of those works I wish I could come back and read from beginning to end. Pick of the Week Star Wars KOTOR: Another Tale Anutka2000 KOTOR on Taris: A Jedi in hiding must choose to get involved again Remember to stay in the same tense when writing. You start in third person, jump to first, then back again, all in the same chapter. It's fine if you had merely done it during the flashback; after all, that is an internal monologue. But if you slip back and forth without that it confuses the reader. This is an interesting and unique twist on the basic game; Some of the Jedi that had gone with Revan must have fled when their leaders went to the Dark Side. And some admittedly would have been unwilling to return to the Jedi Council to face the music; especially considering the over the top punishment meted out to the Exile. My only question; considering the location of Taris in relationship to where the war was fought, is why did this one run such a small distance before going to ground? Read only one chapter, but I wish I could read the other three. SWG: Test of Fate Digitalmetal Set in Star Wars Galaxy: A soldier is rescued from the Imperials The writing is clean and crisp, the scenes well laid out. I know the author is basing it on just the intro for a game, but there are technical problems I will address below. Technical Notes, POW status: The laws of war require you to render medical aid to any wounded, not just your own people, but that doesn't mean you ignore the fact that the wounded person is an enemy. As lackadaisical as the security arrangements are on the TV show MASH, that would not be the norm. You would have either separate facilities for treatment of the enemy wounded, or you would transport them to another facility when possible and maintain a guard until they are safe to transport before that. By safe I mean they are no longer in a life threatening condition, not that you must wait for the situation to be safe. Watch the movie the Big Red One, where the sergeant wakes up in a German hospital. The entire facility is a prison, yet the patients are allowed to move about freely inside it. Yet outside the doors, you would have guards, fences, etc you don't see. The laws of war restrict what a prisoner is allowed to do with the codicil that a prisoner's primary duty is to escape if at all possible; yet that is balanced by the fact that attempting to escape can get you killed. Yet you have someone that, is if they are not a POW with proof of their guilt, at least what the military now defines as a 'person of interest' (Which is a step down from POW) waking up unguarded, with access to not only clothes, but weapons as well. As much as this allows the game to flow, it is a breach of security wide enough to drive a Peterbilt Semi through. Take this for example: Ahmed the Republican Guard Sergeant is badly wounded when a US strike team ambushes the convoy he is part of. He is stabilized by the medic, and medivaced to the hospital. He is treated, and put in a private room, with an orderly checking on him occasionally. When he wakes up, he's pointed at a footlocker with his gear, including the fully loaded rifle and encrypted radio he had been carrying when captured. He then spends several minutes shooting up the supply closet, and talking to his wood be rescuers without the enemy noticing. What is wrong with this picture? Technical Notes, the Daring Rescue: As pointed out, you should have the person in a cell, not a hospital bed, or with a guard posted. Now one thing any military would do is try to save you if they can. But you run right into one glaring problem; how important is this prisoner, and under what conditions is he being held? How much effort are you willing to expend to save this person? If you have ever read the Corps Series by WEB Griffin, you will note that in the last book of the series, Retreat Hell, the characters detached from the Marines to the CIA have only two people considered important enough to be rescued. One is General William F Dean, who was captured near Taejon in the opening months of the war, the other is one of his characters, who happens to be the son of the man who has been named as a Deputy Director of the CIA. In the first case, the UN and American troops were unable to rescue the man. He spent the war in a POW camp. The second was only missing, and was later found. Both, because of who they were, were considered prime catches on the propaganda level alone. In the book, the author commented that Stalin's son Yakov had been captured during WWII and had died when a guard shot him. He also pointed out that the guard who did so was executed for that act. Going back to the Big Red One, the sergeant is repatriated when the Us Army captures the city he is in along with the hospital; that is what usually happens. But in the situation portrayed in the story above, you have someone of little or no value to the Rebellion, beyond the fact that she is the main character of the story, trapped in an Imperial Space Station, surrounded by armed guards and soldiers. Yet they break her out anyway. It is one thing to have a spur of the moment rescue as happened when Princess Leia is held aboard the Death Star, but think: In the tutorial used for the template of this story, you have a number of Rebels infiltrate the station, to plant explosives (A supposition, since during the Falcon's escape you don't mention any other craft also escaping) While Han and his crew actually go in to effect the rescue. Why is this character that important to the Rebellion? Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted March 31, 2013 Author Share Posted March 31, 2013 Fanfiction.net Darkened Twilight Hate's Fury Post TSL on Malachor V: Having removed her opposition, the Dark Exile plots The basics are good, but there are a few flawed premises I will address below. Technical note, Cortosis: Cortosis is a mineral that shorts out an energy beam. Which is why a wbe of it is a nice addition to armor. So adding it to a light saber merely stops a lightsaber from working. Villain's soliloquy: In the Incredibles when the two superheroes are reminiscing about a battle, one comments, 'He starts monologuing' almost as if it is expected; and in fiction, especially adventure fiction, it is. The primary reason for the Villain's monologue is to let the reader know all of the things he did, and is usually a private discussion between the villain and the hero right before the villain consigns him to a horrible fate. Around the time the James Bond Movie The Man With the Golden Gun came out, a person reviewing the genre commented that the villain does this because he see Bond as the only person who might understand what is being done, like a scientist showing off his new toy. Yet you have the Exile doing pretty much that with someone who is a new apprentice. In most cases, all you want from such a being would be odecience. They do not need to know what you plan, merely that they are at present a brand new weapon in the arsenal. You don't tell your new sword why you need it. For example, in ROTS Sidious merely gives orders to the new Darth Vader, not the entire sweep of his plans. Unfinished business: Atton originally fled Revan's service because he believed she would have turnedhim into a Dark Jedi whether he wanted to be one or not. Why is the Exile any different in that regard? One of her points in the monologue above is gathering all of the fallen Jedi she can find, and she has a possible right there on the ship she is ignoring. And why is Mical, who still holds onto the Jedi code still around? It's not like she needs a partially trained Jedi as a medic. Maybe she keeps him around only to enjoy dashing his hopes every few hours, like a kid torturing a pet? Revelations Mettiz Post TSL, but time indeterminate: A new Jedi knight is teamed up with Atton The author is Norgwegian, so I will be gentle with my review. It is the eyes are pools (body of water) not poles and through (By means of) rather than trough (a basin for water). The basic story is good except for someone again using Tatooine as if it were an important place. Even this did not detract much because the author showed changes in the new Hutt administration over the old Czerka one. Having someone learn the Jawa language from HK makes for a funny scene, and makes me wonder why they didn't end up in a fight with the Sand People if his word choice in dealing with human languages carries over into that language as well. Choices: Battle Between Darkness and Light Mettiz Post KOTOR on the Star Forge: The renewed Lord Revan plans her new campaign Again; the author is Norwegian. The day I can write a story in that language, I will complain more about how it is written. However a belt will cling (Hold to) not clang (Make a loud noise). A tractor beam is a device that uses a beam of energy to tow or hold something. It is not a method of finding people. Again you used a standard planet, even though it is not a logical place to look. The biggest problem with writing in another Universe, such as Star Wars, is that all you see of it are snippets of areas and not the whole. There are over 200 planets mentioned in the Wookipedia, but most people settle for just the ones they have heard of in the movies and a few of the books. The wprse part is the planets do not change... Dantooine, which according to the period right after the Rebellion succeeded was supposedly sparsely inhabited, is shown exactly the same way 4,000 years earlier which is impossible. It is like all you know of another country is the few place names you had read in books about that country. Say like an author from Russia describing a Russian Invasion force landing in Washington DC to destroy the US Government, and they immediately move to Chicago Illinois where they interrogate Al Capone, then to Dodge City Kansas and arrest Wyatt Earp and on to Hollywood where they question Marilyn Monroe to catch the Senators that fled. There's another article for Lucasfoums in that... Also, the leaders of the Republic are not the Jedi, but the Senate. They are either going to move to known safe locations (For our own government, there are several secret locations,)with a couple, the Greenbriar Hotel in Maryland, and Cheyenne Mountain where NORAD is located as reported, or run home to their home states. Chats with Carth The Penguin Squad KOTOR, no specific time given: Revan seems to be having some problems... Remeber to sight edit. You used scarred (Having scars) instead of scared (frightened) When I noticed the error above, I did as I always do, and checked to see where the author is from. After all, why come down like a High school English teacher on someone who uses English as a second language? In the author's comments on themselves, there was a mention that they believed their own work is whacked, so I went back to it. Boy is it whacked. I only had time to read the first of twelve chapters, but having Revan get distracted by the smell of cheese, then trying to imitate an owl be doing a headstand on a chair (Why that imitates an owl I have no idea) then commenting to Carth that some tap dancing had been sent to his home kept me laughing. Carth's reaction is priceless, first worried, then amused, and when he hears of the penguins, terrified. Thanks for some great comedy! Pick of the Week Knights of the Old Republic Annyneospike13 KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: Remember to sight edit. You said farthest reached instead of reaches. Technical note: While used as a character class of sorts in the game, scoundrel is an insulting term. The type of character you might play in that class could include people like the old mountain men who moved away from society along with all sorts of criminals from a street thug to a smuggler. Except for what I mentioned above, the work is a basic retelling of the story from the attack to the escape from the ship. You did use improper nomenclature; ships do not have doors or rooms, they have hatches and compartments. Aftermath HeavenlyMuse TSL after death of Kreia: What now? Remember to sight edit to avoid confusion. The phrase 'revealed nothing into this ailment' in the examination doesn't make sense. I understand you're saying the diagnostic process did not reveal a cause for her coma, but that is not the way to say it. Technical note, Hyperdrive versus primary engines: As much as the movies ignore it, you would not put two different engine types in a ship without a reason. Hyperdrive is used to get a ship from one star system to another as quickly and economically as possible. Primary engines are for maneuvering and landings. The most egregious failure in this regard is where Han has a busted hyperdrive, yet successfully reaches the Bespin system after leaving Hoth. Picture this: Tom Ever-ready, the Hero tries to take his plane off from the airport in Vladivostok, but the jet engine doesn't work. So instead he attaches it to a big rig and decides to tow it to Johannesburg South Africa, and expects to get there the next day. Yet all he has for fuel is the two 100 gallon tanks of that vehicle, and 200 gallons will not take the truck even without that cargo the full distance. As an example, read the section of Echoes of Honor in the Honor Harrington series where she uses the reaction thrusters of her small task force to sneak into position to destroy a larger force. The standard engines used normally both for combat maneuvering and hyperspace travel would have several months worth of fuel aboard her ships, but using just the thrusters, that endurance is so low that if her attack had failed, only the largest ships would have even been able to attempt an escape; the cruisers for example would only have had a few days of fuel left, and even her battlecruisers would have had only about a month of fuel remaining. The distances between even close stars and their systems is vast. For example, without something like hyperdrive which finds a way around the limits Einstein set on space travel, it would take anywhere from several years to several centuries to travel the 4.24 light years (42.4 triiion kilometers) from Earth to our nearest neighbor, the Alpha and Beta Centauri pair. So deciding your are going to go half way across the galaxy (Considering the locations of both Malachor and Dantooine) in a week is like the example I mentioned above. Also, while getting to their destination is important, you don't cut life support, such as heating the interior of the ship. Using the values given; that the temperature inside the ship had dropped by 15 degrees in just a few hours, suggests that for a trip of even the week assumed would drop the temperature to absolute zero before they arrive. Technical note, Force Bonds: Force Bonds are never adequately explained. They are formed between teachers and students, students and other students, and in the case of the Jedi Exile, with anyone who is around her for any great length of time. But there is nothing in any of the literature that suggests a Force Bond can be lethal or seriously debilitating. Yoda for example was the master that taught Count Dooku, but he didn't collapse into unconsciousness when Dooku died. I felt (And used the premise in my own TSL work) that Kreia was lying through her teeth when she suggested that her death might kill the Exile. The interaction with the crew was well done. Darren CT-325 Battle Of Geonosis: A brain damaged Clone survives, how I don't know The piece is like a lot of jokes about the mentally challenged. In fact it reminded me of a joke about it; a guy so stupid that his sergeant wasn't even going to gife him a real weapon, so he goes out onto the battlefield armed with a mop without the head, a toilet brush as a bayonet, and urinal cakes as grenades. He's told these are super secret completely silent weapons, and to use them, he has to make the noises; bang bang for his 'rifle' stab stab for his 'bayonet', and kaboom! For his grenades. So here you have this guy, shouting 'bang bang, occasionally shouting stab stab, and every now and then, kaboom! Finally he looks around, and sees that he and one enemy soldier are the only ones still alive. He throws his last two grenades shouting Kaboom with each, but the enemy still approaches. Then he shouts bang bang over and over until the man is close enough for him to shout stab stab. The enemy ignores all of this, and literally walks right over him. Just before he falls unconscious, he hears the enemy soldier saying 'tank, tank, tank' over and over. A riot. Well worth the read. The Dark Path Emperor Sunny Post KOTOR: A boy seeking revenge finally finds his real target Except for one grammar error (it should be there, not their) the writing is excellent. There are only two points I did not accept. One was having him slaughter the younglings. Couldn't he see himself torn from his family in them? Technical note, medical technology: Even today we have replacement technology to help with deafness; cochlear implants for example. In fact the Assistant who worked For Lando on Bespin had implants that allowed him radio communications capability. So unless some of the Sith Masters got a sick thrill out of denying him that, there is no reason for him to remain deaf. Very well done. Pick of the Week Reticent Savior Athena Solaris TSL introspection: The Exile in second person views her path Most people have problems with second person, but you carried out pretty well. My only negative comment is having her be Kaminoan. Why that race specifically? I doubt they had enclaves of other races on their planet. As for being gray-side, I didn't need your mention to tell me; her contempt for both sides of the equation were clearly marked, and her comments about her companions showed she was leery of them as well. Pick of the Week On Rakatan Daemonetta19 KOTOR on Unknown Planet: As their minds merge, Carth has to deal with having both Revan and Avery present I think you mean some way instead of same way. Also Rakatan is the race, not their planet. That being said, the idea of having both personalities working together is a good touch. Whether Carth understood it or not, I knew why Revan considered them both men as a support structure. You're also one of the only authors I have read on a number of sites who said pretty much what I did in my own KOTOR work over at Lucasforums; That after teaching your students for a decade or more that you duty is to the people of the Republic, you are supposed to not get involved in a war of survival makes no sense. How can you be wrong, if your teachings say one thing, and your leaders say something else? It would be like a Franciscan Abbot protesting one of his monks using the alms he has collected to buy a pot of stew to feed the poor in your village! Pick of the Week Dreamscapes Daemonetta19 KOTOR on the Unknown planet before the temple: Both sides of her mind contemplate the past and the future, both soon and far. Like the previous work by the same author, you get the idea that while still polar opposites, the two parts of the woman's mind have finally grown accustomed to being two parts of the same person. I understand the hope for their future they both see, and Revan's grief that she was the cause of her friends' fall. Excellent Pick of the Week Faithless Topgallant Pre KOTOR outside the ruins on Dantooine: Malak must finally decide The writing is well done, the scenes clearly defined. The only problem I had was the scene that followed made me sure that Malak was the first to actually fall. When the main character remembers entering the ruins, it is Malak who was enthused by the Dark Side feel of the place, not Revan, who was focused on getting them in. But that might just be me. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 6, 2013 Author Share Posted April 6, 2013 Fanfiction.net Cold Light Sharinganavenger KOTOR aboard Star Forge: The climactic battle from Malak's view The piece had an interesting feel to it. The backstory, or Revan begging him to promise to obey one last command and the aftermath of it. Her last words to him are poignant, that it had to be the construct the Jedi created that killed him, because the person she had been would not have had the heart to do it. Pick of the Week Five Ways Carth and Revan Weren't Reunited HanuuEshe Post KOTOR: The ways it could have been... The writing is crisp, each vignette clearly defined. I especially enjoyed the expanation of Carth's 'I have my orders' comment, because the author is right. I enjoyed all three chapter (Only a bit over 1500 words, so I could take the time) and I was glad I did. Only one problem... There were only three ways. Pick of the Week More Than The Gizka ElisetheChemist KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Dealing with the gizka leads to more The piece was a bit of fun, since the Gizka was the one part that irritated me the most. Having Revan already knowing who he was again, and mixing his attraction to Bastila into getting rid of the little monsters was choice. The Wonderful Adventures of a Moron Revan's split personality KOTOR starting aboard the Endar Spire: The galaxy's hero??? The piece is a riot. Starting with the character being the handyman from hell, rigging her footlocker to explode in the hope that one specific man would try to raid it, confusing Sith troops long enough to escape, dancing to her communicator after she reset the ring to her favorite song, and almost killing herself with a lightsaber she picked up. Her question is one all of us have had; how do you make a weapon of light but at the same time, limit it's scope? Eleven chapters, and hasn't even gotten off Taris! Only one negative, and that is technical: Technical note, nomenclature: Different terms are used aboard ship. Go to Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out. Pick of the Week Torture Revans Pet Duck Post KOTOR: Revan goes through the motions, and Carth suffers While technically excellent, I felt a little down by the end of it. Neither one is really expecting to win, though all Carth has to do is endure. Both the victim and tormentor are going through the motions. The best part is the internal monologues. Both in their own way hope for another ending. Left Alone: An Ending is a Beginning Layna Danare TSL on Malachor V: Following the Exile through the Trayus Academy, Part 3 of three The piece does have the feel of something patched together, as mentioned in the forward. You used deas storm beats instead of dead storm beasts, that kind of thing. The ending is anticlimactic. You have the few survivors escaping, yet at the same time, you're setting them up for more woe. Imperial Order Angstrom Set in SWG: A meeting above Naboo Remember conversation breaks. The narrative flow kept being interrupted because you ran them together. Also you tossed extra characters in for no purpose. You have a Colonel arrive, greeteds by a Major, then you throw in a lieutenant, an Admiral (Who should have been addressed first as the senior in rank) then the Moff, the Lord, the Inquisitor, and the prisoner, followed by the death of that prisoner out of pique alone. Yet there was no rhyme nor reason to it. Of Droids & Meatbags: The Tale of HK47 Scious Originally reviewed 28 October 2005 over at kotorfanmedia. That review is below: Yano Upav The story of Revan’s ascent from the view of his bodyguard droid. Well written, and the viewpoint is superb. Yano gets into the circuits of HK, and through them you see the people around him. The ‘death and destruction’ view of HK works well in the fleet action, which ends the first posting, and makes me want to read more. Addenda: The piece is still well written, and unlike a lot of authors, this one didn't hang around the half dozen planets used in the original game. After I had been doing these reviews for about a year, I began adding technical commentary because of flaws that are not readily apparent without a deeper knowledge base than I had at the start, and I do have to add one here. Technical note: According to the dialogue, the ships are making a deep penetration hit and run attack, but they are going about it in a roundabout fashion that makes no sense. Nal Hutta to Falleen, then to Sullust, and then on to Corellia. Use this as an historical example: Quantrill's Raiders are assigned to make a deep penetration attack in the North. They deploy from St Louis Missouri, then attack Cinncinati Ohio, travel to Detroit, then San Francisco, and finally attack their primary target, Siver Springs Maryland... While all legitimate targets, they are also so widely scattered that it would take almost a year to carry out all of the attacks. And while they are riding around, they would have people not only in pursuit, but being warned ahead of them, so this raid wouldn't last that long. Also, if you're doing a hit and run, you don't waste time with much beyond smashing any ships at your target and the orbital infrastructure, so deploying a ground assault is an unnecessary expenditure of resources. I'm not saying it was bad, only that it could have been better Reprise Pick of the Week Knights of the Old Republic III: The Death of Hope Scottishace TSL on Malachor V: The Exile must choose, and he chooses the path of honor The piece is well done, and the backstory helped, because he had done everything to be bad until the end. Like Vader in the ROTJ he finally decides to do what right, not what is expedient. Technical note: Your description of the Mass Shadow Generator is flawed; probably because the writers of the game never described it's operation, and we gamers finally worked out how it had to work only after the fact. What you describe is more of a high level electro-magnetic pulse generator or the radiation pulse generator used in the 1987 movie Project X, while the term Mass Shadow is a gravitational term meaning the area of effect of a star or planet, in other words, a generator that creates the effect of having the gravity well of a star suddenly appear, as if used in the EU by an Interdictor type Star Destroyer. An EMP generator would not have destroyed all of the ships supposedly lost at Malachor, but something creating the Mass Shadow of a B class star, something a hundred times as massive as our own sun, would have. Also, you have the Ebon Hawk and her crew still within the area of effect of the device when it is activated, meaning they should have automatically died as well. Saved For Lack Thereof Amme Moto KOTOR on Korriban: A view of a rare beautiful day on the planet The piece tends to ramble a lot, because both Revan and Carth are unwilling to carry through on what is on both their minds. Right before Jolee arrived I felt an urge to just scream at them to kiss. Christmas Choas Lilagirl KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Revan arranges a celebration on the fly. The piece was amusing, but I kept coming back to the one flaw. Christmas is an Earth holiday. Read my article Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center > Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118 about how to adjust holidays so they don't come across as our own. Lost Love II Clover64 Post TSL: Lovers are reunited The piece has a good basic concept, and I was willing to suspend disbelief right up to the addition of the clone. There's a reason for this, however. Technical, cloning: First the actual procedure, creating a clone, is simplicity itself, even with our own limited technology. However the danger (Suggested because of the criteria you suggest, the strongest being chosen) is not to the subject, but to the clone itself. All the donor loses is some cells, the clone has to go through the rapid maturation process, which has dangers of it's own. In the EU and AOTC, they constantly harp on the fact that the clones are aging at a ratio of two to one; they are aging two years for every standard year they live. So the bright new clones who marched off to war at the start at age 18 would be 24 when the war ended, and have only half the life expectancy of a normally produced offspring. By the time of the Rebellion when Luke Skywalker joined it, any of those clones that had survived would be an apparent 68 years old; too old to go into combat. The main issue, stopping that accelerated aging, has been addressed by Karen Traviss who has written the lion share of the books from the Clone/Mando'a view, but the book that mentions it is during the post Imperial period. For them to remain viable for any greater period would require that you first create a way to force their development at the accelerated rate, but also to stop the process before senility. The second is the memory writing you mention, and is used in a few of the EU books, but is never adequately explained. The idea of such a procedure is used in two different works; the first Ghost in the Shell series, and Elizabeth Moon's Familias Regnant series. In both cases however, the presence of the principle (In this case, Mical) is required to download memories that can be installed in the clones (or cyborgs in GITS) so that they are all on the same page as it were. So every few weeks or months, Mical would have to disappear, get recorded, and return. Third, even though he is the subject of this cloning, that doesn't automatically give him title to the cloned copy, or use of it. If, for example, if a lab here in the US was working on human cloning, not only would it be secret, it would also not let the clone out of their sight. It represents a number of possibilities such as an organ donor for the subject, but also a way to rejuvenate politicians in power by allowing them to transfer their memories into that younger body. Not to mention the mere cost of the procedure, which while cheap is not as cheap as having a natural child. Using it at all could limit them to just spare parts, or like the Clone Wars, expendable assets. But still they would be close held. So it is unlikely that Mical would have been able to get the clone, and place it in such a way that it died instead of him. Besides, look at the movie the 6th day where a man had been cloned, but we don't know until the end which is the clone. Will the clone be willing to die in the original's place? After all, he would think he was the original unless told otherwise. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 13, 2013 Author Share Posted April 13, 2013 Fanfiction.net The Nar Shaddaa Massacre Icey Cold TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Some R&R can get ugly The piece has an interesting view of the Force in that you can be overwhelmed by your surroundings if untrained. In my own Return from Exile (Same screen name at Lucasforums) I did the same thing, first with the Handmaiden, then with Mira. One error, a waiver is a document saying you don't have to complete an action, not a waver. Which is to be undecided. Didn't have time to read more than the first of three chapters, but it is looking good so far. Revan's Apprentice Almostinsane Specific time frame not given, though probably Pre KOTOR: A village dies and a new Sith is born The biggest problem I had was the two attacks didn't make sense, First, the Mandalorians attack, and thinking that their armor is skin makes sense. However the first attack was using a sledgehammer to crack walnuts. It would be like a modern Army unit with tanks and air support attacking a tribe of Kalahari Bushmen. Grabbing the planet to occupy it for a base might make sense, but you wouldn't waste time slaughtering the natives unless they force the issue. As horrible as the Imperial period here on Earth was, the occupying forces rarely came in guns blazing. The second attack made less sense because there is even less reason for the slaughter. If it were a raid by pirates, it's a waste of money and manpower to destroy a native settlement without any gain that I could ascertain. If it were a slave taking raid, why are they using edged weapons instead of stunners and gas grenades? The valuable portion of the settlement would be the people you can enslave, and every dead slave is nothing more than fertilizer. The Price Lady Tragic Pre TSL: The birth of Darth Sion The piece is short and to the point. The soon to be Darth Sion is broken down until only only two things remain; the pain that will never go away, and his thirst for revenge. KOTOR Snippets Cat Avatar for the DCG KOTOR on Taris: A look at first impressions The two chapters were only 433 words, less than two pages total. Each is merely a snapshot; the first time seeing Carth in action, then seeing Canderous in that first meeting. Both were good in their own way, since what we're getting is a look at the characters in first time situations. Christmas Lights Rarecase KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: A kiss under the mistletoe The piece is, as the author warned, light and fluffy. My only problem with it is addressed at Lucasforums> Knights of the Old Republic> Coruscant Entertainment Center > Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118 Tales From Wild Space Skywater1 300 years after the time of Luke Skywalker: Remember to finish sentences. You left out a word (Inserted by me) in 'Maybe this summoning (wouldn't) be so bad after all'. Technical note: Revan lived around 3999 BBY, yet you have the holocron being delivered to the tomb over 500 years later. Who delivered it? Second, Marko Ragnos' tomb is overused, it was the scene of Revan's trials for prestige, then again in Jedi Academy. Only had time to read the first two chapters, my only question is why only this one person recognized it as a Sith holocron. If this were an Indiana Jones story, the kid doing the research would have had all of Jones' notes to use, along with all of the data given to the University. Coward Achalys TSL on Malachor V: She only realizes the truth when he dies The piece is a self castigating nightmare, but so well written I loved it. All of her own thoughts on death are logical fears you would expect, but seeing someone else face what makes you afraid is always shocking at the core. Pick of the Week Learning from the Past Lord Darth Master During climactic Jedi fight in ROTS and eight years Post-KOTOR: Anakin gets a taste of what happened way back when... The piece was well done. The idea that Yoda might have been the one that confronted Palpatine instead of Windu made it even more interesting. Having Yoda implant the memories of Revan into the young Jedi's mind was a neat twist, and having him wake up aboard the Ebon Hawk 4,000 years earlier a strange twist. Technical note, Prosthesis: The main problem I had with the piece is having him wake up with a brand new prosthetic arm. This is not something you could just whip up out of stores on a small ship like the Ebon Hawk. If it were state of the art of say forty years ago here on Earth, you could replace it with an articulated hook as was done back then, but even comparing a modern day replacement to the ones used in the Pre-Imperial period, it would need a lot more technical support than the ship could supply. With Anakin now stranded in the ancient past, and five chapters to go I wished I could keep reading. Pick of the Week MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard Post-KOTOR and during TSL, no specific section given: The memories just keep coming Remember to sight edit, you have a missing word, in 'you turned agai(n)st Revan once and for (all),'. You used studdering when you might have meant stuttering, and loose (not tight) when you meant lose. My primary confusion was how Revan and the Exile ended up on the same ship at the same time; especially since your own timeline had Carth teaching how to fly the Hawk only a year earlier. Real Smooth, Carth MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard KOTOR no specific time given: Carth could use lessons in how to talk to a woman... The piece is reminiscent to a scene in one of the Argeneau vampire series by Lynsey Sands where a man is trying to convince the woman he loves that he loves her just the way she is. She had been dumped in a previous bad relationship because of her figure, and his reply that he doesn't care if she looks like Olive Oyl is, as you might think, the wrong thing to say. His follow up isn't much better, since he comments that when he'd imagine who he might fall in love with, Jessica Rabbit comes up. It is funny seeing Carth as much at sea in love as a Jedi might be, and making the same mistakes any of us guys might make in the process. Mission, Impossible MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard KOTOR aboard Leviathan: Mission gets to strut her stuff Remember to sight edit, You used sence instead of sense, and equitment instead of equipment. I liked the escape scene from KOTOR so much I used every variation in my own work KOTOR Excerpts (Same screen name) over at Lucasforums in post 102 starting with The Crew that wishes to remain nameless. Non Timetis Messor HelenaL Pre-KOTOR/Discworld crossover: There is only one constant, and even that is up for review... When I saw the crossover, I took a few seconds to figure out who of all the Discworld might show up. But then it hit me. An aside; there are five authors I read consistently, and when it comes time to buy a book, one of them will win hands down if it's a choice. They are, Laurell K Hamilton, John Ringo, Lynsey Sands, David Weber, and of course Terry Pratchett, Author of the Discworld. I recommend all of them highly. This piece would fit in well in his series, because Death is always reacting in a human manner when it comes to those he collects. Pratchett himself created the attitude that Death was being reshaped all the time by those he collected, creating what he called the 'trousers of time' for example where two possible futures merge for a moment, and one character gets to live one existence while at the same time hearing (Thanks to grabbing the wrong hand held imp powered computer) what happened in the other timeline as he witnesses at a remove the death of everyone he cared about. The aside comments Death thinks about are pure Pratchett, especially 'As the saying went, only two things in life are certain, and you don't get a lot of taxes on worlds populated solely by single-celled protozoa'. Here we see the battle between Bastila and Revan, and Death (As he sometimes does) has a little speech prepared to tell off the miscreant. In this case he even gets to give a good portion of it before Bastila saves Revan. But of course we humans, even in the Star Wars galaxy, don't get to hold onto those words of ancient wisdom. Except as readers. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 20, 2013 Author Share Posted April 20, 2013 Fanfiction.net In the Enclave HanuuEshe TSL at the Jedi enclave: The Masters act, but run into an unexpected obstacle. One sentence near the start confused me; 'You confuse strength with power'. Since I have been working on what you might call an explanation of how magic would work in one of my own works, and hailing mentally back to the 12th century (When the Catholic Church finally changed their minds for the fourth or fifth time about witches) it would have read better if you said 'You confuse strength with evil'. It is like Jesus being told that his teachings are automatically heretical because he is not merely repeating the rote teachings of the church at that time. The author in the afterword commented that this was a reaction to not being able to scream at the Masters, which the game didn't allow. I had basically the same reaction, but spread it out, confronting each of them separately, pointing out the flaws in their logic of 'don't go' in my own Return From Exile over at Lucasforums. Their insistence on staying out of the situation during and after the war flew right in the face of what Jedi are taught in my mind. You teach these young people that they are the guardians and protectors of the Republic, that they should be willing to fight and die for the people of that body, then turn around and refuse to do just that when the Madalorians attack? Crucify the one person who does return, and then stand by like deer in the headlights as doom comes at the Republic again? To quote an old Military axiom, a partial plan violently carried out immediately, beats the perfect plan when it is already too late. If you have ever seen the musical 1776, the last vote comes down to just one state, Pennsylvannia. The members of that delegation were Ben Franklin, John Dickson, and James Wilson, the first two on opposite sides of the independence question, causing the delegation to be polled individually. Unlike the milquetoast representation of him in the musical, where he voted for independence only because he didn't want to stand out as the one who scuttled the project, Wilson was a firm proponent of independence who had his disctrict polled on it before casting his vote. Kreia going ahead with the slaughter only made sense because the masters would have argued their rectitude right up to the end. Pick of the Week One Choice Taniera Highfire Pre KOTOR leading to the Star Forge: Looking back, Revan realizes she never really had a choice... The piece is an interesting look at Revan's past, and the author does the one thing I did, challenge the age barrier. I had one author about two years ago decide that only babies, say up to two years old were accepted, even if this would have reduced some of the Padawan and masters to little more than babysitters, since it isn't until about three that you can even speak coherently to the average child. Having her deal with her father again after training as a Jedi was also choice. Him making mistakes she does not, and winning a battle where he had already given up. Remember the quote from Wellington; the winner in a battle is the one that makes the fewest mistakes. Your comment that the Mandalorians made none doesn't quite jell, though realizing that someone is using the Mandalorians as cannon fodder did. Embracing Distance Skywalker05 TSL in the Trayus Academy: Sion discovers the one thing he yearns for is an end. The piece is a lovely little bit of introspection. The Exile beating him not by force of arms, just by offering the one thing he cannot do for himself. In my own Return from Exile I had a slightly different form, cutting herself off from the Force as if merely flicking a switch, rendering her invisible to his Force Sight, being able to inflict injury because he cannot draw upon the Force from her to survive. Rain Sleepingthedayaway TSL, no specific planet given: Atton and the Exile search his heart for reality The piece is all dialogue, and a bit confusing to read. But the idea, that you can't see yourself without something to mirror you is choice. With her seeing him, and letting him see what she can see, he stands not as a monster, but as a man. Prison Chat Arianadumbledore Post TSL: With nothing else to do in prison, Revan and the Exile discuss what they left at home... The piece is a bit of fun, two old friends reminiscing not about their shared past, but the different part each had that the others shares; friends and accomplishments. Having Revan just sort of reveal that he is still armed was cute. Pick of the Week Atton Rand's Death MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard TSL in the Trayus Academy: Atton's death frees the Exile for her final missions The piece is pretty much what you would have anticipated in the game if you could bring more than two with you. In my own work I had their past separate them, Hanharr for Mira, Atton's memories of the last Jedi he killed, the Handmaiden's sisters for Brianna, the Jedi Visas had slaughtered, etc. The only really jarring point for me was having Bao-Dur, Mira, and Mical joking with each other afterwards as if they had been playing a game rather than in battle. Precious Memories MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard Pre KOTOR on Dantooine: The children we will later follow grow up The primary problem I had with the piece is that it was not sight edited. The author tended to run words together, something I occasionally do, so I try to edit before posting. The author hit on the one point that constantly bothers me about the Jedi, that they supposedly refuse to take children above a certain age, and every author has their own cut off line. I understand why Anakin was originally rejected in TPM, he had been raised as a slave, and was attached to his mother as sole parent his entire life. Not surprising that he would be rejected at age nine. You cannot assume that a child from such a home is going to grow into a calm person, and the events that followed, falling in love, slaughtering those who killed his mother, were almost foregone conclusions. In fact Yoda's decision (to my mind) about Anakin's suitability wasn't about the fact that he felt fear, but to Anakin's defensive reaction when it was mentioned. I realize that you have to catch the Jedi hopefuls young, but taking them as newborns never made sense to me. Goodbye MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard Post TSL: The Exile has some things to do before she departs in search of Revan The primary problem I had with the piece is that it was not sight edited. The author tended to run words together, something I occasionally do, so I try to edit before posting. You also mispelled surprise constantly. The piece was uneven; you spent far too much time on the Fangirls,and having some of them be retread Carth fangirls didn't make a lot of sense. Then the 'serious talk' that just didn't seem serious enough. The entire work seemed to run from trying to be comedic to trying to be serious, then back again, and unfortunately, missing the mark on both ends, though having the unconscious fangirl get trampled was fun. Lost Sleepingthedayaway Pre TSL: How Atton came adrift Remember to sight edit and polish, the sentence 'about anything much any more' read kind of rough. I think it would have been better written as, 'much about anything any more'. The piece is more a synopsis than anything else; this is Atton, this is what caused the change in him, this is Atton drifting. It was saved by the last line, because as the author said, you have to know you're lost before you can be found. One Of Their Moments Post TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Remember to sight edit, you used manor (House) instead of manner (method). Also, the line 'but he needs a friend and Mical doesn't fit the bill for it' would be better if you cut off the 'for it'. The piece is a nice little slice of life after the hell they have gone through. Dealing with the emotions of Mical can be a pain, that's why I used the Mod where I could have the Handmaiden instead, just to keep from going to the dark side. The Best Story Ever Plutospawn Post TSL: Atton is pregnant? Back in the 70s, Joan Rivers made a very bad movie about a man getting pregnant, and this reminded me of it. It was just as unrealistic then as it is now. Her Pallas-Athena TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Just a simple cup of tea? I think his own thoughts, that he is expected to sacrifice some animal to attain the rank of Jedi shows the same ignorance newly trained soldiers have about becoming a soldier themselves. There are always rumors of this sort; that you have to murder an innocent, or worse yet, a family member to prove your resolve. The provenance of the tea blend itself was interesting; not where it came from, or even who supplied it, but the reason you drink it. While that seems to have little to do with Atton assuming the responsibilities of being a Jedi, the fact that it is served to someone you love was a surprise. The piece has a surreal feel to it. Atton's thoughts of someone sitting down to tea mirror those of a lot of us. To the average American, tea is something you drink if you don't have or like coffee. The ritual of afternoon tea, as I explained in one of my own works, is because most people tend to chug coffee, but they tend to sip tea; it's a chance during an otherwise busy day to relax and discuss rather than merely stay within your own head, which is what an afternoon coffee break suggests. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted April 29, 2013 Author Share Posted April 29, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center Squadron Legacy, Chapter 9; Rewrite Sithspecter Mandalorian War era: Chapter 9 of an ongoing work, rewritten. Remember editing. You used though instead of thought for example. Nice to see you back. The piece is nice and tightly written, concentrating on survival and evasion is right up there with the way SERE (Survival, Evasion, Resistance and Escape) is taught. A much better read Pick of the Week Return of the Dwarves Scorge Set in Tolkein's Middle Earth: As some Dawrves prepare for a coming mission they have a slight problem... You're still forgetting conversation breaks. Remember that as the readers, we will get confused by rapid turns of conversation, especially when we aren't sure if the speaker has changed. I got dinged a few times in my own longer works not because I forgot breaks, but because I did not denote who was speaking. If I am using breaks and they are confused, how confused do you think they are without them? Technical, Genre: A description of a group of dwarves don't really require a physical portion beyond maybe beard/hair color and length. All of them are short, and broad with beards. The one Author who has fun with that (Both sexes having beards) is Terry Pratchett who joked in one book that part of their sexual education is figuring out what sex the other dwarf is if they are attracted to them. If you read his books starting with Feet of Clay, he has had a sexual revolution where his female Dwarves are coming out of the mines as it were by proclaiming they are female, right down to make up and feminized mining tools. In Unseen Academicals they even have the opening of the first dwarf oriented clothing shop, though calling anything made of metal (primarily chainmail) clothing is human mind boggling. Technical, Dwarf dwellings: Except in Ankh Morpork in that series, dwarves tend to live in huge numbers, and underground as much as possible. Think of a modern bunker leading to an underground base. So having only the seven of your party the only occupants doesn't make sense. While the Hobbit has the dragon Smaug capture the Lonely Mountain from them, they have excellent defenses, and the average dragon would avoid them because while hard to kill, dragons can be trapped in a tight place where they can not move quickly. Having studied mythology including dragons, the only way I could see for Smaug to have succeeded would be if Tolkien had been using a more Eastern version of a dragon. Most Western (European dragons) are more like the one from Shrek where they are heavier and more solid than the sinuous Chinese or Japanese dragons. Since a Dwarf mine doesn't need high ceilings as shown in the Lord of the Rings movie, you have something like the comment made in Kelly's Heroes where Clint Eastwood's character is pointing out the problem the Tiger tank drivers have; an open country tank in a town with narrow streets and short sightlines. The larger chambers shown in the movie were probably because they mined out everything at the upper reaches, then downward, leaving the caverns we see. Of course since the Lonely Mountain was also a mine, the opening was probably widened to allow wagons of goods and ore to be taken out. His lair inside the mountain was described as the old King's Hall, so both his entry and lair would have been accessible to a European Dragon. So unless there is something to mine, it is unlikely the Darves would be interested. Technical, personal weapons: While we see mass production and preparation of weapons in the Lord of the Rings, any warrior would care for his own weapon once it leaves the bmacksmith's hands. While you might stop at a village (Or in this case the mine) and have a blacksmith sharpen it for you, you would also more likely do any weapons prep yourself. So handing off their weapons to one member and having him deal with this is unlikely. The story is far too short to get a good feel for it as yet. One thing; I don't always have time to play 'follow the link'. Fanfiction.net Star Across the Nighttime Sky SeaBreeze TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: The Exile deals with unwanted advice, and her own emotions The piece is short, and to the point. My biggest problem with it is that of all people Kreia is the one least likely to give her good advice in this regard. I constantly wonder how many Jedi actually cleave tightly to the Code. I cannot see every one of them ignoring every emotional attachment. The Opposite of Forever Niki Chidon Post TSL: A decade after Morgana's death, Carth gets a chance to live again The piece did something most do not try to do; look at the people who sit at home and wait while the hero of the epic is away going through his adventure. We dob't see a lot of it, mind. Just the last day of Carth being strong, but not falling apart. The catalogue of the injuries he's taken during that time, and the reason Zaalbar wasn't with Revan when he left. The connections remained strong though, and now they can look forward to some peace. Because as Revan said, the next crisis is someone else's problem. Chocolate pudding sleepingthedayaway TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Mira remembers her past thanks to a dish of chocolate pudding The only negative I have about it is that chocolate is an Earth linked product. However the story was excellent. Pick of the Week He and She Mettiz KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Two people who can't admit their feelings, so they get a little help... Remember to sight edit. You had several sentences where they needed polishing and editing. 'She had tried numerous times to stop the Ebon Hawk crew to call her that', for example needs to have 'to' removed, and 'call' replaced with calling. The problem your having with this is no biggie; When I start letting the writing flow, I'll do much worse. That's why I always try to edit before posting. Of course I slip too... Also, remember conversation breaks. Running the words together to get the idea across faster was a fun bit, but add that to no conversation breaks, and it becomes very confusing. The pairing isn't as odd as the author thinks. I have seen at least a dozen where either a female Revan or Bastila end up in his arms and bed. But locking them in was very fun, expecially when they figured out how and why. Pick of the Week Star wars Fate's Saviour Dream-forger KOTOR on Dantooine: The new apprentice has a final mission before becoming a Padawan. The piece needs some polishing, the flow just doesn't feel right. That is why my mantra for every writer (Including myself) is reread, edit, rewrite, polish, repeat. Technical note: The armor's colors denote their present rank primarily; a simple grunt would have the next color up to show a promotion. But since Mandalorian armor is ubiquitous, the idea that Canderous can automatically identify one man out of the millions that fought for the Mandalorians is a stretch. It would be like say General Patton identifying one man in his 3rd Army by the way he wears his hat. I only had time to read the first chapter, but it was interesting enough that I wished I had time to read more. Don't Go Lightsider Pre Mandalorian Wars: With the Mandalorian Wars beginning, the soon to be Exile tries to hold on to her friend and lover The piece was well written apart from some grammer errors (it is a part of something, not apart). The only negative I have is the final confrontation didn't gel for me. In TSL when they run the recording of the last meeting with the council, they say Revan had contacted her, and now (in their minds) she is going to join in the new crusade. Yet this story gives a time period of more than 18 months during which the sole returning Jedi (Her) had not been judged by them for her actions in the previous war. Disillusion Tyro Vangruel Pre-Mandalorian Wars to TSL: The boy who will one day be Nihilus in training. The author commented that grammar is a problem, and the spellcheck isn't working, so I will merely repeat my mantra I give to any young writer; reread, rewrite, polish until smooth. What spellcheck might not catch can be caught by using a critical eye, whether it is you doing that editing, or a beta-reader. Technical notes: Having him be of Spanish descent breaks the 'long ago in a galaxy far, far away' stricture. Using the Spanish words doesn't because theoretically, the word Nada can mean 'nothing' in another language of some planet somewhere. Having his father be a Force User (But of one of the many non-aligned sects) was an interesting aside, but they would have to be known to the Jedi themselves and be accepted within narrow bounds for the Jedi to accept one of their own for training. Technical notes 2: The one thing Vrook was raking the boy over the coals for, his unnecessary brutality, makes sense, but from that point on it didn't. You have Vrook acting like Grandpa Simpson as he is castigating the boy. In one episode Grandpa claimed Death was coming for him, and spent the rest of the episode pointing at something, and shouting 'Death!”. He's so busy making every reaction come from the Dark Side that I am surprised that he could even teach a single student. You also have teachers too busy to pay attention. Technical notes 3: If you are going to read the riot act to a student, you do not do it with your door open so others will hear it unless you're going to make it an object lesson for the entire class. Allowing other students to interrupt it also doesn't make sense. Having Vann (Who I assume will one day be Revan) walk up, not only interrupt but have a side conversation with the student, then challenge the teacher is also something that would not logically occur, though questioning the judgement of that teacher by logical questions does. Having Vann heir to some vainglorious title is more Dark Side; after all he is described as in his early teens, making him perhaps a year older than the student. Having a teenager overrule a master and suggesting that a 16 year old be made a Knight also makes little sense, since Anakin in AOTC was 19 and still a Padawan. Beyond the things I mentioned above, the work has an intriguing appeal to it. I did not have time to read the other nine chapters, but wish I did. Shattered Dreams Snarryvader81 Post TSL: Revan returns, but not as Carth had expected The piece is very well done, and as the author pointed out, it is kinda fun to torture Carth occasionally. I have only two negatives... KOTOR and TSL are five years apart. We do not have a timeline on when Revan left the Republic, though in this story she is gone for six full Earth years (Explanation for the clarification to follow). It is assumed at the end of TSL that the Exile went in search of her; again, there is not time line for when he departs. So it begs the question, how is the child already five years or more old? Technical note, Year length: An Earth year is 365.25 days of 24 hours each. This is what we grew up with. But there is nothing that says the year of every planet out there is that length. In David Weber's Honor Harrington Series you have originally three planets in a dual star system, each with different year and day lengths. For example, the planet which was the first they settled has a year of 673.31 local days, but 629.83 Earth days in length (Local days of 23 hours and change), and that is just the beginning of the time keeping problems, because there are two other planets (One with a year of over five T years in length) to add in! So using Earth's calender doesn't quite work. Pick of the Week Revan Was Gone BananaLollipop17 Post-KOTOR: All he has left is memory The piece is short and to the point. Carth realizes that as the author said, Revan had merely become better at hiding what she planned. Pick of the Week http://www.fanfiction.net/s/4057648/1/Proof Proof Athena Solaris Pre-Mandalorian Wars: His final words reveal his heart. The piece like all of the author's work is a choice slice of life. The farewells are couched as you would expect with two Jedi. The ending line the perfect counterpoint to that departure. The only negative is the one I constantly rail about with the Master's decision not to intervene... after years of teaching their students that their lives were to be spent on serving the Republic's people, why did they have to go all Delphic Oracle on them in this case? If you don't understand that last line, remember this. Before the Medes and the Persians went to war, the Medes sent a messenger to ask the Oracle how the war would come out. The reply? 'If you go to war, an empire will fall'. The Oracle was accurate; the Medes fell, and Persia was later able to threaten Greece. Pick of the Week The Next Mission MisfitGirl13 Ten years post-KOTOR: No rest for heroes... Remember to sight edit, though your primary failure in this regard was misspelling Admiral Dodonna's name. Technical note: unless you're sending a fleet, this is not a job for an Admiral. You don't send admirals on scouting missions, you never have a lot of them, except in militaries that are bloated as the Republic probably was before the Mandalorian Wars, or at the end of a war where you have a lot of people who get reduced in rank or Riffed because you had to build up your forces. For example George Armstrong Custer attained the rank of Major General during the War Between the States, but when he died at the Little Big Horn, he was only a Colonel. The fact that Carth retains the rank means he was good enough not to end up on the RIF (Reduction In Force) list. For a scouting mission, you would send a captain or perhaps a commodore; more likely a captain because he is more expendable in the military mind than a flag officer. I didn't get a chance to read the following chapters, so I don't know what force you intend to send; too large a force would be impossible to hide, and too small a force would be eaten alive if they are caught. As an intro to a third KOTOR it is a good start. I was curious as to how Carth had 'run away' from the Jedi, unless he had the same skill Kreia did to make herself unnoticed. This would have been necessary, as he spent a great deal of time at the Jedi temple of Dantooine and actually traveling with four Jedi on the Original mission without being detected, just as Kreia and later Chancellor Palpatine concealed their actual capabilities without detection. The idea that Revan hasn't returned out of sheer stubbornness was cute. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 5, 2013 Author Share Posted May 5, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Lord of Hunger The Catto On Malachor V after SMG deployment: There is one person remaining that will survive The piece has an interesting feel to it. It reminds me of some of the post apocalyptic movies of the late 60s, especially two I remember (Though I don't remember the titles) where the 'monster' that terrorizes a group in the one sheltered place from the devestation, is really the mutated ex-boyfriend of the girl in the story, or the father who has been trying to get home since the bombs fell. Like the 'monster' in that story, we don't know how the hunger became what it was with Nihilus, only that it did. Having him stagger across the devastated landscape draining the other survivors to live is a chilling portrayal. Welcome back Fanfiction.net Dealing with the Past MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard No time after TSL given: Like Cheers, but with guns Remember to sight edit. First there are words used that don't fit; no where instead of nowhere, gave her food instead of given or offered. Also there are sentences missing words or that don't scan well; 'Well, slap some stun cuffs and call me a Wookiee's uncle!' needs to be rewritten, such as 'cuffs on me', 'But Sera, you can't this up forever until you grow old and die' can lose either forever or until you grow old or die and still make sense. Technical note, titles: Jedi Exile, Jedi Master, and Hapan Queen Mother. Quite a mouthful, but you do not have someone old enough to be all of them. The Exile would have been in her mid 30s during TSL, assuming she was in her early 20s during the Mandalorian Wars, since five years passed between the Wars and KOTOR, then another five years between KOTOR and TSL (Official timeline here). So Exile and Master yes. As for Queen Mother I address that in the next review, as this is a section replacing these two reviews. Technical note, Bounty Hunters and Pirates: There are bars like the one described here even today where mobsters hang out without worrying about those pesky lawmen. Back during the Age of Piracy there were as well. However there are a couple of glaring inconsistencies. First, remember that piracy is like murder; whenever you get caught, you can still be tried for your crimes, so while the local cops might not raid the place to catch you, they would watch them hoping to catch you later. The other is the Bounty Hunter. First, the bounty is way too high.The average bounty in the game is only around 300 credits, which I would call chump change, so I would assume the regular ones in reality would be higher, but not this much higher. As an historical example the bounty on the James Boys paid out by Missouri Governor Thomas Crittendon was 10,000 each. But that was because the railroads had put up the bounty money. The governor did not have the authority to pay out almost a third of his state's annual budget at the time to catch two men. Also the idea that the Bounty Hunter did not know who had placed the bounty doesn't make a lot of sense. Last, like a pirate, a bounty hunter is in it for the money. He's not going to go into a protected bar, gun down or take his bounty, and expect to get out alive. Using just modern technology, not all that might exist in Star Wars, such a bar could have metal detectors, chemical detectors (To detect the chemicals used in propellants) and radio frequency detectors (to stop the local police from slipping in a man who can set up a raid). Just about every customer would be either an affiliate or hired muscle to protect the patrons. So getting in to find your target? No biggie. Trying to take them inside? Suicide. Return MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard Post TSL about a year: If it's not one thing it's another... Remember to sight edit. You tend to run words together causing confusion for the reader. Watch out for obvious redundancies; in the first paragraph you say twice that the planet is wilderness, and twice that they never see true night due to the visual effects of the system. One was enough. In the second you do it again, this time saying the man is dying in his deathbed. The term deathbed pretty means he is dying. Technical note, fuel: It is unlikely that a ship in the Star War universe would run out of fuel enroute to a destination, and the reason is simple. Modern commercial aircraft (And as a light freighter, Ebon Hawk is a commercial craft) have fuel warnings. Just using the modern day equivalent: The crew of a 757 from Tokyo Japan to San Francisco is struck down by sickness, and you have to take control. Not as bad as it sounds since the 757 has not only auto-navigation but also auto-landing capability. All you need to do is program the auto-navigation system. Not knowing where you are, you think of where you are going, which is in your case, New York via a connecting flight. So you grab the Jeppson guide, program in the code for New York, and the system rejects it. The reason it does is you do not have enough fuel to make that trip. You see, the computer has the available fuel remaining in it's memory and the distance that fuel will carry you. If you put in a distance further than it will fly, it will reject it, and the system will give you a warning as to why. The same system also has a listing (If asked) of the destinations you can reach. It is unlikely that the Ebon Hawk's computer is not that capable. Unlike the craft in my example, your primary concern is not crashing, it's the fact that in a spacecraft, you may be unable to get anywhere at all. Spatial distances, even in our solar systems are too vast. The best way to understand this is to read the short story 'The Cold Equations' by Tom Goodwin, which can be found on the web in PDF format. Technical note, titles: In royal lines there is no such title as King Father, not even in the Hapan Cluster. In the previous review for Dealing with the Past, I found the title Queen Mother, and it wasn't until after I reviewed it that I discovered that Queen Mother is the title of the overall monarch. The Hapan system is a mixture of lineages , being both patrilineal (The father's blood determines who rules) and Matriarchal (The women rule). However it isn't as simple as I have painted it; because it is the wife of the first born son who is Queen Mother. She gains her throne and authority from him. But the king is the king until he abdicates or dies, it is that simple. So his new wife, the Queen Mother at the start of the story automatically loses her authority when her husband dies unless there is an heir. In your case that heir had died before her father, and therefore it fall upon his elder daughter. When a monarch steps down, he is not called the King Father, even if he is the father of the new monarch, he is given a lesser title. As an example in 1936 when Edward VII abdicated to allow himself to marry Wallis Simpson, his brother Albert became George VI. Edward was named Duke of Windsor, a life title (Meaning when he died, his children would not gain the title). This would have been the case regardless of who replaced him, since a Regency Council would not have allowed him to maintain the title of King. Technical note, attainted procedure: When your dying king names his daughter by his first wife, the second wife remembers banishing the woman upon her return after the Mandalorian Wars. This is wrong on several levels. 1: Jedi, When she went to the Jedi, she would more likely have had her title as princess removed because a monarch, like a wife and mother, cannot have a countervailing loyalty. The Jedi were supposed to be loyal to the order and Republic as a whole. Having her later ascend a throne could cause a schism in the nation because she has shown no direct loyalty to her home. A Count (Such as Count Dooku) could attain that title, but a count does not have all of the authority of someone higher in the peerage, and in Dooku's case, it would probably have been a life title as mentioned above. 2: Secrecy. In the case of Edward VII mentioned above, it would have to be public to be legal. This means there should be no way the King did not know about it, since he would have to go to his version of parliament personally and ask for her to be set aside. A Queen Consort (His wives) would not have the authority to order such an action legally, even in the Hapan Cluster as shown when Tenel Ka assumed the throne upon not her mother, but her father's death. The succession must be decided by the monarch and the parliament. In an odd note, the Succession of Henry VII to the throne after the death of Richard III was by definition illegal because the writ that allowed Richard to ascend the throne was set aside unread. For parliament to set aside a law, even a bad law, it is required that the law in question be read into the public record and have debate on it's merits before voting. Henry brought that writ, ordered that it not be read aloud, ordered that there would be no debate on it's legality, then ordered parliament to vote on it. There are historical examples of what the Hapans are facing; when King Henry VIII divorced Catherine of Aragon, he first petitioned the Pope for an Anullment. Since he had a daughter, the Pope refused. Henry retaliated by creating the Church of England, with himself as it's head, and then went to parliament to have Catherine set aside. Once that had been done, Henry VIII married Anne Boleyn. When Anne became pregnant, he again went to parliament to have Catherine's daughter Mary declared illegitimate, removing her from the succession. When Anne gave birth to Elizabeth, Henry again tried for a son with Anne, who had three recorded miscarriages. When Anne protested his intent to set her aside, he had her tried for incest, adultery and treason, and she was executed. It wasn't until Edward VI was born that Elizabeth was also declared illegitimate. This caused a great deal of turmoil in England when Edward died before he reached his majority, forcing the British to first bring Mary back into the succession, then when she died childless, brought back Elizabeth. But in both of those cases, parliament had to repeat the actions of Henry VII, bring out the writs, and then declaring them invalid. You see, an annulment is not a divorce, it is a legal statement saying the marriage never happened. Look at Prince Charles in the modern day. Under the rules of the Church of England, you cannot marry again while your divorced wife lives. That is why he waited until Diana was dead before marrying his 'true love'. Technical note, titles: We do not know what title Revan had before her departure to the Mandalorian Wars, but having her claim the title of Jedi Grand Master makes no sense. Having a Grand Master lead the military intervention would have caused serious problems within the order. Considering the events that followed it would have been worse, since it would be like the Pope personally leading a Crusade against the Catholic Church's sanction. The Catholic Church would have set him aside so they could declare a new Grand Master the instant his feet left the ground. A claimed title means nothing if you do not have a legal leg to stand on. Joshua Abraham Norton declared himself Emperor of the US, but using his signature on a land grant would not have stood up in any court, as the title was self proclaimed, and therefore invalid. So having 'Grand Master Revan' declare the Exile a Jedi Master would be just as invalid. 18 Things You Don't Want To Hear on the Ebon Hawk MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard Both KOTOR and TSL: A listing of what you would rather not hear yet again. Remember Conversation breaks. Running the different speakers together detracts from the story. A reader should be able to follow it like a movie, not have to mentally jump from one to the other as they speak in the same sentence. Actually as much as the author comments that she doesn't do humor, some of the suggestions are funny. My favorite was shooting Atton in the knees before saying she loves him, and Mira's advice on how to get a man. In When the Devil Dances by John Ringo, you have a young Cally O'Neal asking an older woman how to find the right guy. Since a man had tried to rape her, and she replied by shooting him, she finally decides the way to do this is to shoot the next guy she feels affection for with a .22 caliber pistol, and if he comes back, he must be serious... KOTOR Wedding MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard Post TSL: Revan and Carth can't even have a quiet moment together... The first part, the giggiling girls (Ignoring Bastila of course) joking about the wedding was good, though it had the flaws previously addressed in your works. However it went bad with the second section, as addressed below in the Technical note. Technical note, Send in the Clones: The use of clones by the Dark Side leaders such as Emperor Palpatine in the EU is a given. However this is the better part of 4,000 years in the past. It would be like the people who built Stonehenge (2000 BCE) using a modern crane in that construction. We know how much of technology has changed in that time here on Earth, so let's look at what might be used in cloning: They had the process way back when, it was called having a baby and raising that child to think he is actually his father, or descended from the Gods. Before you protest, that is what they did with the Dali Lama and the Japanese Emperors from the distant past up until the last century; you're a reincarnated soul who is also the head of our religion, or you are descended from the Goddess Amaterasu in an unbroken line for 13,000 years. Obviously it didn't work very well. Modern cloning could make a clone of you, but you don't have the speeded up maturation process mentioned in Attack of the Clones, so an eighteen year old would have to grow for eighteen years. But it would not be an exact duplicate without a lot of additional work. Read the Book The Boys From Brazil where Josef Mengele is trying to recreate Adolph Hitler. Even the process there has problems as they are trying to recreate his early life as well; having the 'fathers' of the fifty odd boys have careers as close to the orignal's as possible, including the timing of their deaths, and ages they die at. It made some sense with the Emperor, after all he is the only Sith remaining. But the Sith back then weren't using the rule of two yet. The instant Revan was believed dead, Malak would have acted like any usurper, eliminating all possible threats, and a clone of Revan would have been a threat. Screwed Epic Bad Ass Post TSL: Remember to sight edit. In your case, I would suggest looking for redundancies; you say the first character is in all black, then describe every item, again saying black. It reminds me of the scene in the last episode of MASH when the Korean girl Soon Lee is describing her family, and every description is exactly the same. If you are kicking someone, you are using your leg, so you don't need to say 'with his leg'. Saying a Selkath is a Selkath is like saying my cat, which is a cat. Oh and it is red (The color) not read (scanning the words). Second, as mentioned in a previous review of another writer, the bounty is way too high. One of the highest bounties ever paid was for Jesse James at 10,000 dollars, which accounting for inflation, would be over 212,000 today. In comparison, the average modern bounty hunter only makes about 20,000 a year. However on further reading, you did explain the bounty is due to inflation (Which the other writer did not). Technical note, Weapons: When using weapons, remember their areas of effect. With modern weapons, a modern Fragmentation grenade has a kill radius of about 15 feet for example. An incendiary grenade (White Phosphorus) has a fifty foot kill radius. You used the Star Wars equivalent (Which is softball sized, not kiwi fruit sized) in a space too small for the one using it to be safe from the effects. The reason I used those two grenade types is because they are two of only three grenades (The other concussion, or what they call flash-bangs) that have timed delays. The two mentioned have this so the one throwing them can get under cover, or far enough away before they detonate. Technical note, kolto: Since kolto is a naturally occuring resource, you do not manufacture it, you process it. Like Opium, which starts as paste, then is reduced into it's final form of Heroin Sulfate. You have 10% remaining at each stage, so a hundred kilos of opium paste ends up as 100 grams of powdered heroin. The piece is fast paced, action packed, humorous and well written. I have a personal pet peeve about stealth and shield belts, since you don't see them in the more modern (As in 4,000 years later) Star Wars, except for the physical shields used by the Gungan, and the ones used in Droidikas. However that didn't stop me from enjoying chapter one. Couldn't read it all, more the pity, but if you're reading this article, I suggest it highly. Pick of the Week KOTOR 3: The Real War Darkmoonvampire Through KOTOR and TSL: Now the real war can begin The piece is well written. Even though chapter one was merely a recap of the first adventure, and according to the author chapter two is a cecap of the second, I was drawn in by the writing style. You didn't merely rehash what had occurred, you made the story your own, and that is what a good writer does. I especially liked how you had your Revan drug Carth to keep him from following, and giving us a destination for where the Exile can pick up the trail. One thing that bothered me about both games was that all we knew was that Revan was bound for the Unknown regions, and the Exile had to just search there. It would be like a General from the War Between the States looking for her old commander, and being told she went West with all of the Western US territories of that time to search. Pick of the Week Becoming An Apprentice To A Lightsabre Master EragonPeep Pre-Mandalorian Wars: An apprentice gets a new master The piece has only two problems with it. One, remember conversation breaks, even if the communication is telepathic. You forgot this in the section before the ceremony, and I had trouble keeping track of the speakers. Second, it is outrage, not out rage. That being said, the piece is a fun read, and as the author points out, it does sort of sound like a marriage ceremony. This is a diversion from when we see Anakin being chosen in Phantom Menace, and Ahsoka being 'assigned' in the Clone Wars movie, but in more settled times, it would make sense. Pick of the Week One Night Moonmythology KOTOR on Kashyyk: Some alone time One negative, I could not find Festivating in the dictionary, though it appears to be a new word linking festival with celebrate, so I will say nothing more. That being said, the piece caused me to laugh out loud. Having Bastila in a fantasy comforting a distraught Rui (Revan) about the loss of his virginity as if she were the man in the piece, stacking boxes against the hatch (You don't have doors on ships) then having her watch the news after eating cookies (You forgot the 'C') was just fun. Pick of the Week Lord of the Galaxy VX-1482 Post-KOTOR: What happens when the Dark Lord returns? Quotation marks are supposed to separate the words spoken by the character from their actions. What this means the sentence “This is what I mean. Machievelli said”, would be correct if written “This is what I mean.” Machievelli said. The piece is well written beyond that, and as someone who has studied the military for most of my life, the only other negatives I have are these. First, the two commanders have different styles and limits. In my own work, I compared Revan to Malak by saying Revan was more a follower of Sun Tzu, who said 'a good commander knows when to fight, and when not to fight'. Someone more comfortable with a rapier, while Malak was a 'beat on them until they submit' type, so the kind of warrior who uses an axe. Just telling the commanders to 'keep on keeping on' doesn't fit his style. That is what caused the destruction of Taris and Dantooine. One reason I mentioned this is that Revan would be the Supreme Commander of all forces with the fleet comanders controlling their own assigned forces. You wouldn't need that position beyond staff officers in charge of the separate military arms and those fleet commanders. The situation is analogous to Admiral Halsey, who while in overall command of all three in his area of operations, had separate commanders for each. In my own Return From Exile over at Lucasforums And Dxun Memories, I had Revan as the fleet commander, because she was the better strategist, but Marai Devos, my Exile, was the Ground Commander because she was the better tactician. This is because both are specialities that don't always transfer; Halsey wouldn't have had the grasp of infantry and ground tactics needed to fully command the invasions he led. That was left to the Marine and Army generals who led the men onto the beaches. Beyond what I mentioned, the piece is very well written. It's a pity the author wrote only one piece. Pick of the Week Death of a Murderer Lady Zenoka KOTOR After Leviathan: Companion piece to Death of a Savior, what she thought before she died. Back In February I read the first piece, and my primary problem with Carth killing Revan was the thought; we never got to read that final letter before he killed her. Well I got the chance. I won't say it was worth the wait, because I wish the author had posted this earlier. I could see the degeneration of her ego, her wish that she wasn't who she was, her terror of what she could become weighs on her. She is ready to die, and her relief that it would be Carth rather than her own hand that ends her life is almost stellar. Pick of the Week If Only Firera Pre-Mandalorian Wars: The relationship between Kavar and the Exile The piece is well written, the interplay between the characters very well done. Her dealing with not only her own feelings but the feelings of those around her who want to be in her place is fun, as is Kavar's reaction to the revelation of those other girl's fantasies related to him. A lot of fun. Pick of the Week considering starting a webpage featuring all of my published work for e-copy. Now just have to find a PDF maker, and alter them for publication. Any comments? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 13, 2013 Author Share Posted May 13, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center Three Moons Msficwriter NSW: An intro into a tale of three moons Like a lot of fairy tales, this starts with the set up and that was interesting. Making the rulers of each moon like the moons themselves was an interesting twist; pure light, pure dark, and waffling in the middle. All we have is their lands and leaders, but so far not bad at all. I know the moons are metaphors, but part of me (That logical part) had to come up with the actual orbital mechanics to make the moons described work. I was able to for the Illuminated and the Void, but that is really just my own mind running at idle as it were. Long time no see. Fanfiction.net The Knights of the Old Republic Setne Pre-KOTOR: The adventure begins anew. There is only three negatives I can see, first, it is far too short to get a good feel for the writer's style. Second, you used balanced when it should have been balance, but that is an editing problem. Last and most important, there is a simple rule of thumb when writing for the public called Clark's rule; never use several words when one word will do, but use a simple word instead of a complex one. I actually checked to make sure what adumbration meant, and being well read and almost 60 years old, that means I hadn't heard it used often. If you go to http://thesaurus.com/browse/adumbrate?s=t you have several much easier to understand words such as cloud or obscure. You re Not Her Sarah1281 KOTOR aboard Leviathan: That fateful confrontation seen through Malak's eyes. Some problems with using the wrong words; counsel (advise) rather than council, protest instead of protect, though instead of thought, lead instead of led. This is more an editing problem than anything else, so nothing major. Remember that names, even ship names, are always capitalized. All that being said, the work is a tour de force. The reasoning behind Malak's attack makes a lot more sense than the basic story line of the game, and his attempts to get Revan to understand who she was was only cloaked by the words he used as gloating. By looking at what had been done to Revan from where he stands, the hypocrisy of what the Jedi Council has done is thrown into sharper relief. One line stands out, because it echoes my own works; 'But then, that's not exactly difficult, they can't swear an oath to protest(Should be protect) the Republic until they think that 'something bad could happen'. I looked at what the Jedi were supposed to stand for when I finished KOTOR, and the one glaring flaw was this: You train a group of people for their entire lives to consider the Republic more important than life itself. Yet you then first order them not to intervene to protect that body, then condemn them out of hand for refusing that order. That made sense to me. Excellent work, well written, and well thought out. Pick of the Week Conquest For Power FlameOn Jedi Directly post-KOTOR: The band begins dissolving as the party goes on Only one editing quibble, dispersed implies that the person is literally disappearing. I think you meant departed. A nice slice of life ending for the story. The idea that she needs more training is a given, but said too often, as if the Council is afraid Bastila's redemption didn't take. Star Wars KOTOR: Struggle With Darkness Dream-forger KOTOR aboard Leviathan: Sequel to Fate's Saviour. With Bastila now in enemy hands, our hero has a new focus You used memorise(work at remembering) instead of memories. No biggie, I think you just misspellef, and the spell checker (Using British rather than American English) didn't catch it. The piece was pretty much how the scene played out, though you did add Falcon as a character, but I think Carth gave up a bit too quickly. In fact the only thing that detracted from it was having the entire first chapter underlined. At first I thought it was just memories of the escape, and expected it to go back to a standard format, but at the end of the chapter it was still underlined. Nine chapters long, again, I didn't have the time to read them all, but it looks good so far. Revan's Heart TsukasaFanBOF Post-KOTOR: The real reason Revan fell the second time On;y one flaw, describing the robe as an Arab design, since Arabs are Earth centric. Commenting about the flow of the cloth was well done except for that. The story blindsided me. I expected another 'Carth tries to return her to the light and she kills him' ho, hum. But from the instant Bastila comes to tell her 'she really needed to deal with this now' to the end it was a stunner. The fact that her love would be roundly condemned by the Order, and that she had done everything she had because of that love surprised and delighted me. My only worry is, does Carth stay with her even if she is supposed to be evil? Or do they find a way to have their cake and eat it too? Pick of the Week A Dance in the Trees Princess Artemis TSL on Citadel Station: an emtry in the KFM One Night Stand Challenge, Maybe it was the wrong way to ask... I think I reacted the same way that Bastila did at the start. The piece was a rollicking good time with a scene reminiscent of the duel between Inigo Montoya and the Man In Black with the addition of Force powers. Having the fight end because of a breaking tree branch, and Dustil's explanation of what he meant made it funny enough that I was laughing out loud by the end. Excellent! Pick of the Week It Only Takes One Adylinj TSL: Another KFM One Night Stand entry, The road to recovering his life starts with a woman he meets Some incorrect words It's realized instead of realize, didn't instead of don't. There were only two points that detracted from the work. The mention that he ran with a group in his teens, when you constantly get the comments that students are too old at nine. The other was the idea that the Mandalorians would blast the planet in passing. Unless it has resources or a tech base that would be valuable, but in an area they didn't intend to occupy, it would have made sense, like blowing up a base as you go by. It would have made more sense to occupy it if you're going to go to even that much effort, or obliterate it. The piece is good because you get an in depth view of what the Exile was going through. The frantic running away from everything that reminds him of what has gone before. Until someone makes him see that there is more to life than that. His accepting her offer, first of advice, then her bed renews him. Pick of the Week Dead Letters Lady Tragic Post-KOTOR Aboard Ebon Hawk: The message gets there, but too late The piece is poignant. She assumed he was using her, and is shocked briefly to discover he wasn't. The end was more shocking to me than any other part. Pick of the Week A Matter of Perspective and Degree Lady Tragic AU KOTOR on Dantooine: Revan meets someone familiar... The basis is interesting, since as the author mentions, imprisonment is an option. The piece was short enough that I read all three chapters, and the only problem I had with it... It's too damn short! Pick of the Week Selfish Kian Post TSL on Citadel Station: She says goodbye, more than once The piece is sad, and her efforts to assure he will not follow cut deeper than anything else. The end is what you would expect, and the severing of all those bonds hurts more than anything else. Pick of the Week What Goes On In Atton Rand's Mind MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard TSL On Peragus: The escape seen through Atton's eyes. The piece rambles a bit, following the basic story from where Atton sits, and ends enroute to Telos at the end of the chapter. There were funny scenes; the Exile playfully screaming for help because he has little skill at first aid, and he has to gag her. Anguish of the Jedi MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard Pre-Mandalorian Wars: A Jedi prisoner escapes, and plots her revenge The piece needs some serious editing. I was having trouble following the story, and it wasn't until she meets Revan that I figured out where it fit. The scenes where the Jedi confront them didn't flow well; the Jedi come off as Sith Wannabes because they won't allow them to be free, and supposedly kill the husband and child. Her retaliation in the first few paragraphs is sadistic, and the Jedi she's torturing falling back on the 'this is not the Jedi Way' is like a group of Hardcore Nazis slaughtering a few thousand Jews, then talking about honor when they are captured. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 18, 2013 Author Share Posted May 18, 2013 Coruscant Entertainment Center Three Moons: The Pursuit of Happiness Msficwriter NSW: First chapter of Three Moon, what do the gods want from us? The piece was amusing because we have a deep philosophical discussion, but it takes place between two ten year old girls, and they of course want it to be something they understand. It has potential, kid. Fanfiction.net Courtship of the Princess Exile MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard Post TSL: Sequel to the Return Remember to sight edit, especially locations. In one paragraph you have them hurrying through the streets of the Hapan capital, then describe a location on Coruscant. Also, putting HK on the perimeter security, even just to escort specific people puts the wrong note on the proceeding. Sort of like having a garden party. But allowing your attack guard dogs to run free during it. Technical note, Ship Types: The type names given to ships has varied wildly even in the last century. For example, the terms Sloop, Corvette and frigate dropped out of usage late in the 19th century, were reintroducied briefly during WWII, then the last two were brought back again in the 70s. Battle Dragons are a type name in what we would consider the 'Modern' SW universe, the time of Luke Skywalker. What you have portrayed would be like a modern navy building a warship and calling it a Trireme. I am not saying they might not have had a ship class by that name 4,000 years earlier, but it's even less likely they had a ship type (The difference is a class is the actual run of ships using one design, such as the Iowa class battleships. For example the USS Texas was a New York Class battleship. But while the design and capabilities are different, both are battleship 'types') of that name. Technical note, Interaction between Hapan Nobles: The scene when she meets her stepmother doesn't really scan. First, from what I have read in the EU, the Hapan nobles are a lot like the old Daiymos of Japan; extremely polite on the outside, yet with hatred of each other concealed underneath it. First, even though she had ruled in the Father's name, the now deposed monarch first does not have the authority to summon the new queen, nor would her bodyguards be ready to attack her. Andria is now Queen Mother, and an attack on her is attempted regicide, which even in the Hapes Cluster, is a capital offense. Attendants definitely, maybe one or two bodyguards, yes, but being ready to shoot her, no. Even if Andria had died in that room, the old Queen Mother does not have a legal leg to stand on if she tried to resume the throne. Also, attacking Andria's mother made no sense, she was the previous Queen Mother. Unless you have a death wish, you would not verbally assault the Queen Mother's late mother to her face, or for that matter, the new Queen herself. The history of Queen Elizabeth's reign is replete with people who either ended up imprisoned, banished or executed who insulted Anne Boleyn or Elizabeth as a child once she took the throne. Andria would be well within her rights (Under either system) to have the woman and any supporters banished, if not from the cluster, then at least from the Capital itself. In fact she could have the lot of them executed for the words the old Queen Mother spoke about both her and her mother. In the example of Edward VII, who was king, but then became Duke of Windsor, events during WWII suggested to some that he had Nazi leanings. Because of that, he was banished from court and spent most of his remaining life on his estates. I suggest you read the story of the 47 Ronin to understand their interactions better. Also the comment that no one was willing to take her place as queen mother made no sense from my reading of either history or the EU. If you remember the movie King Ralph, the primary opponent of the new king was a member of parliament who could trace his lineage back to the House of Stuart, while Ralph's had been traced to the house of Windsor (Though they called it Windom in the movie). The problem with Monarchy is there is always someone who thinks he can do it better if given the chance. Otherwise Regicide would never be attempted. For example Edward VI was married at a young age to the daughter of one of his Regency Council, the Lady Jane Grey. When he died before reaching the throne, an attempt was made by the Regency council to place her on the throne, but supporters of Mary I fought until her legitimacy was reestablished as I mentioned in that previous review. As soon as she was on the throne Lady Jane and her father both got to meet the headsman. Later, after the death of Elizabeth, they had to go outside England to Scotland to find the new heir, as Elizabeth died without issue, and putting any of the English born contenders on the throne would have caused another civil war as occurred a century later during the Cavalier-Roundhead era. The idea that the Alderaan monarch would try for a dynastic marriage made sense, and as much as Atton might have whined, Bao Dur had some truth to his argument. However it wasn't really a matter of what Atton might do, but how Andria reacts to the proposal. Also you're setting the cluster up for a fall. When Mary I died without issue, an attempt was made by English Catholics to declare Phillip of Spain, who had married Mary, the new King. Since the next Monarch was Elizabeth, you can figure out how that turned out. I Don't Love You MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard Post TSL: The two aren't even in the same book, not to mention the page The piece was confusing, jumping from one of them to the other without a way to tell who was thinking what. The idea that Atton would throw away one ring, then run out to get another was silly, and letting her break up defeated the purpose, since he could have told her how he felt and spiked her guns. Fallen-Hero OBDSW Clone Wars: A Clone in a battle dies The piece was too short to get a really good idea of the writer's style. What I am reminded of is a line from the new series Defiance on SyFy network. The main character is trying to convince hs partner that they should go back, fight a battle everyone thinks is hopeless but can possibly be won if they use their latest big score to help. The last exchange was: “I don't plan on dying!” “No one does. But it happens anyway” Lost Lady Tragic Post-KOTOR on Nar Shaddaa: A good Samaritan helps a little girl Like a lot of writers I have reviwed in my years the Author turns out work that makes you want to read on. I didn't have time to read more than the first chapter, but I can clearly see the Atton we know talking with some scruffy kid, and stepping out of character briefly to help her. Pick of the Week Sewers HanuuEshe Kotor on Telos: How did they end up in the sewer anyway? The piece is mainly dialogue, but every word was pure Mission and Zaalbar. The comment using a forest rather than a knife drawer or pencil box fit if you were using Zaalbar's view of the world. The interplay between the two gives a much better look at the pairing; Mission's youthful elan, Zaalbar trying to rein her in, but it's like a 98lb old lady trying to walk her 150lb rottweiler without being dragged. The situation is grim, but we the readers know what will follow, so we're not too worried. Pick of the Week Reverse Rebirth Jade Star Pre-KOTOR: The newly emerged Darth Revan takes up the reins of command Remember to sight edit. You used weary (Tired) rather than wary (alert), boarders (People boarding) instead of border (Frontier). It's a minor problem that would get passed a spellcheck, so it's not biggie. You also used in tact instead of intact. However you used solstice at one point that made no sense, and chastis instead of chassis, which would not have. Also 'numbered by the hundreds daily, if not thousands daily' could be edited by removing either daily. That being said, I watched the new Darth literally chastising herself as she became who she would be. There is no remorse for what has happened, or will, merely a person telling herself over and over why it must be. Pick of the Week Hyperdrive Strifekun TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: He wants so many things he cannot have... The piece is short and deeply introspective.The only thing Atton does not dream is escaping from her orbit. What To Make of It Strifekun TSL on Korriban: How did a cassette recorder end up on Korriban? Remember conversation breaks, the entire 'taped' dialogue was jammed together into a single confusing paragraph. The piece made me wonder about your Exile. Her comments about Disciple made me think she was as young as the two on the tape. Taking it with them made some sense, but not much; A cassette recorder is so lo-tech that it reminded me of the scene in Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome where he grabs the arm on the old Victorola so the kids can hear what is on the vinyl record one has been carrying. Right or Wrong Strifekun KOTOR, no specific section: She just can't decide The piece is short, and a bit confusing. Honestly the fact that their names start with the same letter doesn't really matter. When she finally gets into why they are different we see a trend emerging that makes some sense. War Stories Strifekun KOTOR, no specific section: Revan loves to hear him tell stories I think you meant thing rather than this. But I was left asking was 'believes what'? KOTOR3: The Beginning of the End Ticopuma Remember to sight edit. You used were unstead or we're, focus instead of focused, throughout rather than all over, to instead of two. The sentence that includes 'true factor in the utter despise' doesn't make sense. I would have used utter contempt, because it is after all her Jealousy speaking. Both women's reaction was more overreaction. I understand why Visas wants to help, but having Brianna willing to threaten her with a fight doesn't excuse Visas Force-choking her opponent. The first part was confusing with the two women battling it out over who gets to save the Exile, but the intro into the second section was almost so saccharine that it hurt. You description of Revan made no sense. Having someone go from Jedi to Sith to Jedi again is not going to make him universally loved and admired. The last made even less sense; you use Terentak to torment the prisoner, which would be like say a Roman prison using Bengal Tigers. There are a lot of smaller animals that would be useful for this that wouldn't merely have him ending up as dropping afterward. As an example, in one book a Roman Emperor had his victims bound, then thrown into a pit that had old toothless and declawed lions. Like a house cat. A Lion's tongue is abrasive. The victim would lay there unable to move while the cats would literally lick their bodies bloody. Lords of the Old Republic Lord Darth Master Two hundred and seventy years after the Battle of Yavin: An attack devestates the Order, but who is attacking? It's midriff, not mid-drift. It made no sense for a man who is separated by five generations from his namesake to be called the second, unless it is a dynastic order, like the many Henrys and Edwards of England. A continuity question; having Revan relocate the Star Forge made some sense, but why was Malak's fleet destroyed by him? There would have been hold outs that preferred Malak, or thought they'd take the chance to get rid of Revan, true. But in any sort of strongman order, the new person would not totally destroy the fleet. That onlt happens in rebellions, and even then you don't destroy them all, you only remove those who resisit the new order. When I saw the blurb about the story, I was a little turned off. Too many people will jump characters from one time to another without rhyme or reason. The two from the past were not in the first chapter, but the battle was well planned, and the one question, where were the other Jedi of the Temple were was adequately explained. The one negative I would have come down on, the stealth field, I will not because this is in the future, and perhaps almost three centuries after the Battle of Yavin, such could have been created. By the end I was wanting to read on, because the operations as mentioned bespoke a military genius rarely seen. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 25, 2013 Author Share Posted May 25, 2013 Fanfiction.net The Big Fight Pupshaw21 Set in Star Wars Galaxies: A fight at Mos Eisley As a first fic, when I read it I immediately looked at the profile because of the the obvious errors I noticed that I will enumerate below. All I have to say about that is; while Cambridge is correct that you can still read the words if the internal structure has been skewed, it does not endear you to the readers, who are automatically going to say 'you can't spell' to themselves. In actual fact spelling was not codified until Samuel Johnson created his first dictionary in the 18th century, and a well educated man would try to see how many different spellings he could use to show off that knowledge. There are fourteen different spellings of Shakespeare all written by the playwright himself Now, to work. First you made several redundant statements. Saying Mos Eisley is on Tatooine, is like saying Washinton DC is the Capitol of the US. Anyone who reads the name will immediately know where in the Galaxy the town is. You mentioned doing the quests three times in the first paragraph, and two of those times were redundant. When writing for the reader's enjoyment, remember the rule used by advertising agencies, brevity is best. When the party decides to get into the free-for-all, a lot of what was said was unnecessary; beyond the division as to which side you would be on, there was little need for explanations as to rankings etc. As for not worrying about dying, since it is a game, it just means you have to start another character. The fight itself had almost no description at all, and what there was is disjointed. There is also no character development at all. Except for Darth Vader and Jabba, none of the well remembered characters are mentioned, and it is with them, like locations in the SW universe, that you wouldn't need such development. It is like saying your character is using a specific Jedi Lightsaber technique without explaining the differences between them. Or why your specific blaster does X-number of points of damage without explaining what modifications make it that powerful. Last two; the fight is compressed into a single paragraph, making it a bit confusing to the readers. Finally, you have to remember that in writing, spelling is important, especially since English has a lot of homonyms. Using toke (As in the fight toke place) Doesn't work, because the word toke has it's own meaning, as does took, which should have been used. Impossible Layana Danare KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: How can she no love him? The piece is soft and poignant. Her memories clinging to the man as part of her mind wishes she could physically. I wondered at one point if the way he supposedly makes her name more intimate is in her own mind or reality? If you have ever seen the Japanese Anime series Project A-Ko, in Cinderella Rhapsody (The third movie) a scene where a man merely saying 'thanks' is replayed over and over in the main character's mind, becoming softer, longer, and more intimate every time she remembers it. Actually I think a Revan-Canderous link up is a good idea. But of course I happen to like and admire the Mando'a. Pick of the Week Together Layana Danare TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: They finally do what they have wanted to do. I thought the previous work by the author was good, but this blew me away. When I play, I take a female role primarily because in the movies (Until the prequel series and the Clone Wars) the female characters were all just background fill. But as much as the Case against Star Wars lambasts our Patron's treatment of Leia and Padme, they were still strong characters. But playing as a female, you don't have a lot of options as to emotional entanglements. Atton is too needy, and Mical too submissive. But like Goldilocks said, Bao-Dur is just right. Pick of the Week Escaping Taris Rarecase KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: The battle of Taris has begun The author has a clean crisp style, and except for not using shipboard nomenclature, did pretty well. The constant go here, kill the bad guys, go on that is the flight from the ship is ignored and justly so. The important parts, meeting and losing Trask, meeting and escaping with Carth were there. I especially liked her first reaction, ignoring what was happening because she wasn't done sleeping yet, as most jump straight into the fighting. Her roving eyes describing the builds of the men she deals with suggest a lot of fun will ensue in later chapters. Only had time to read the first, but that doesn't mean the rest of you can't have that treat. Enjoy! Pick of the Week Star Wars TOR, Book one: A Starship Named Desire Vyrazhi Set in TOR: A new padawan faces even greater challenges in the future. At the author's request, I am reviewing this work here. I had read the first iteration of this work over at Lucasforums quite a while ago, so I know the author's work well. The segments almost consistently received picks of the week there, so you're in for a real treat. Simple Pleasures DWH Set in KOTOR: The simple pleasures are best Mainly a series of snapshots of the lighter side of the characters, moments where they set aside Jedi reserve, and were like children. Not a pick, but well worth reading anyway. On Your Own Achalys KOTOR on the Unkown Planet: It's hard enough to decide without an argument with other versions of yourself The piece caught me by surprise. The idea that a dozen versions of Revan are sitting in a room arguing over where he is going from here was funny. I only wonder why they never spoke up before. Then again, the one side I had a Dark Side ending, that point was where I made the choice... Pazaak Anyone? Rider of the Rohirrim TSL enroute to Malachor V: Anything to pass the time The piece doesn't have a lot of real action. Having the Disciple go pale when Nar Shaddaa Rules are explained, would have been better if he blushed furiously, but that's just me. Call Me Jeedai Skywalker05 Post KOTOR: Upon her return, Revan reports yet a new enemy The piece sets up the Yuuzhan Vong, but I wonder how all knowledge of them could vanish in the intervening time. After all, we have records from societies here on earth a lot older than this. Memini Meminisse SnarryVader81 KOTOR, no specific timing given: In nightmares, Revan returns to the past The piece covers one aspect few consider about having Revan's memory overwritten; would that destroy the old memories, or merely supplant them? Scientist have claimed for almost half a century that we use only 10% of our brain. Is it like a computer where a deleted file is merely marked hidden and renamed until it is overwritten later? You also have to realize that the one reason for people theorizing about past life and reincarnation is that sometimes you have dreams where a person seems to relive events that have never occurred in their lives. I For example had a couple of that sort; dreaming that I was standing in the pass of Thermoplae with our king already dead, seeing the arrows coming, and almost embracing death. A few years later standing on a Field in Japan as the leader screams for us to attack. Stare MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard KOTOR, no specific timeing given: She never really saw him Since I have reviewed other works by the pair, I have already given advice on correcting spelling etc, so I will forgo it. After all, it's been about five years, and I assume they have gotten better since. The piece is nice and dark, and in a way you almost get the feeling that he is afraid she really is looking at him when she comes awake. Well portrayed in that regard. Preoccupations Promised Flower TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Locked up yet again, what will they do to pass the time? The piece, as self described, is a light bit of fluff. The idea that the Exile in this story would suddenly become the aggressor causing Atton to backpedal frantically was really fun. Atton's reactions were a bit trite, but on the whole an amusing read. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 1, 2013 Author Share Posted June 1, 2013 Fanfiction.net No Food for Fishies Today Lyrik Proz KOTOR on Manaan: What DO you do about the Whimpering Locker? The whimpering locker in the undersea habitat is one of those thing I used to throw into the old D&D game back when I was a DungeonMaster (Try the mid 70s, you know, when dinosaurs ruled the Earth). You know what I mean. Hack and slash, blood and gore, then suddenly in the middle of all of it, something that makes you either giggle, laugh out loud, or maybe just roll your eyes. The author starts off tongue in cheek, just pronounce the handle above, and go from there. If that wasn't a good enough clue, do the same with the Jedi's name as Kev does. The piece is part humor, and a bit of pathos. You as the player know the person in the locker is safe now, but try convincing him. Atton's New Lightsaber Angelof Geeks TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: What do you do if someone makes an assumption? Go with it! The piece is cute, primarily because of the innuendo, a staple of stage and screen comedy, and well used here. The ending left me a bit flat, because Atton goes from joking to serious in a couple of seconds flat. SWKOTOR Memories Yoshie-Chan Six moths Post TSL: The people following our two heroes into the unknown are starting to worry the Council... The Author's first fanfic, so I'll be gentle. Remember conversation breaks, which you missed in the paragraph where the Masters are pontificating. In your profiles (All three of them) you commented on cleaning up problems, and I can see where you have. But you still need to sight edit for grammar and word usage. You used lone when you meant long, you're (You are) when you meant your (Possessive) of instead of off, that kind of thing. Since they would pass a spell check, I assume it's the same problem I sometimes have, the story flow going a bit fast and you miss the errors. Technical note, Military: An admiral doesn't just 'decide' to take leave. I'm using the US military as an example, and in the service you get two weeks leave every year, to a total of two months, because it doesn't roll over after that. An Admiral is one of those who is assumed to have an important enough job that unless he has to take his leave to avoid losing any addition, no one can tell him he has to. By the same token, he can't just decide to take it; his superiors (Whether a superior officer, the man in charge of his separate service, such as Chief of Staff of the Army, or his civilian commander (Secretary of the Army, Secretary of Defense, or President) has to authorize it. This can take hours (You're tired, and they feel you need rest) to weeks (Your position is vital, and they aren't sure if your vice [assistant] can handle it). Technical note, just being a mean old man: I liked the idea that Mical of all people had figured out why they were being called in. But there was a glaring catch there. You see, let's take modern life as an example: the CIA has created the ability to alter long term memory and literally erase parts of someone's past. We're not talking a Neuralizer like they use in Men in Black, which is really a sledgehammer in comparison to merely reprogramming portions of the physical computer we all carry in our heads. Agent 'A' who up until a few months ago was merely a cog in the machine has suddenly begun to act in a manner the head office considers dangerous to the agency. So they are going to pull him in, erase that last assignment. First; almost every agent working for a secret organization has a 'retirement' fund he's created for when his agency Rifs him, whether it is money or data that he can use to assure they don't Rif him with a bullet behind the ear. As in this case, a fallback that will be able to give him back part of what they are taking away. So the council brings them in. While they are cleaning out all of the memories, technicians are going to do the same with the ship and droids, just as the CIA in my analogy would be vacuuming the computers and physical media, books, data storage etc, from the agent's residence. But here is where the Council's plan might have a serious flaw. I am sure that the T3 design is as ubiquitous as the R2 and C3 models are in the 'modern' Star Wars universe, they can merely get another unit, check to see what data they can safely transfer, and do so, telling the new droid, that he is now T3-M4. But even with the HK50 and 51 models, I don't see them being able to do the same. HK47 accortding to the Wookiepedia was designed and built by Revan, the later models something created by an outside agency. But I am willing to bet that like their 'progenitor', his primary core (The original programming created by Revan) was sealed so that if he ever returned to Revan, it would be there for later use. So the programmers (If they were experts) would recognize that there were memory segments not accessible to them, and that they cannot carry out their mission. In this case, it would be easier to notify the Masters and they would merely add those memories to the data erasure; Atton would return to the ship, and greet T3, but would not remember the assassin droid either. The situation is interesting. I know why the Council would want to stop them from following; the Republic is still fragile. But on whose authority beyond their own have they made this decision? The author did do one thing I heartily approve of; because among those Atton recognizes is Visas, meaning Jolee and Juhani also have to be in that mix. This suggests that whatever they plan is also a secret from the remainder of the order. The author has created a new account called Kamikaze_Watermelon, then to DreamingAvidly in case you're interested. I have note it here so that when and if I run into other works, I can keep track. Sixteen chapters long. I wish I could read them all, since we still do not know exactly how comprehensive the data removal is going to be at the end of chapter one. Pick of the Week Dakari: The Real Story Artemis' Bow KOTOR on Taris: A unique look at the relationship between Bastila and Revan I tend to play Revan as female (Still do, regardless of 'canon') and I, like the author, never liked Carth that much. There was too much emotional baggage even at the best of times, and having someone so profoundly paranoid made me want to 'accidentally' kill him. Thanks to the mods that have been created for the game, the situation the author describes can occur, so if you want to flirt and have Bastila fall in love with your female character, it can happen. In my own KOTOR fiction over at Lucasforums I went for another approach; I expanded on the Echani who until about four years ago, were merely some offshoot race with no definition. I had Revan be one of the Echani races, a red haired version instead of platinum blonde, and made them empathic, which explains the strength of the Force Bond between her and Bastila. I also made their race both a martial one, but also one that would appear to an outsider, as very libertine; relationships are judged by those within that relationship, not by outsiders. My Revan bonded with Bastila during their fight on the Star Forge using one of those forms; technically according to my version of Echani society, it doesn't matter what sex the other member of a marriage is because there are scientific means to arrange for progeny. I did it again in another form with my female Exile and the mod that allows you choose the Handmaiden instead of Mical (Don't even get me started on him!), by having my Exile choose her as both sister and Battle-companion. I also had Atris' madness begin because she wanted a stronger relationship, and one of her personalities finally admits it to the Exile in their climactic battle. The piece was very well done. The interplay with Bastila is clearly defined, whereas the others are just window dressing behind them both. Eight monster chapters long, again it's one of those I wish I could read completely. Pick of the Week Walls Selphish Pre TSL: Atton never saw it coming... It's emotionally atrophied, not emotional. We all know the story behind what happened between Atton and his last Jedi victim, but the author does it in a subtle manner that makes her opening up his mind as much a shock for us as it was for Atton. Pick of the Week Merry Happy Darth Avery From TSL to three years after: Atton waits patiently for his love to return It's met her, not here bear (Carry) instead of bare (Nude). You misspelled Dantooine and Malachor as well. Forgot some quotation marks, but no biggie with any of that. The piece is tied to the song, and mainly vignettes from the game and the early aftermath. There is only one flaw: A comlink is like a hand radio issued to the troops. It is a short ranged tactical device. So unless the Exile was in the Nal Hutta system, or patched into the hypercom system and broadcasting it everywhere, he shouldn't have received her message on Nar Shaddaa if she is bound for Coruscant, a quarter of the Galaxy away. It would be like a trooper stationed in Afghanistan transmitting a message while on patrol, and being picked up on the East Coast. Nicely done. Pick of the Week Fall of a Dark Lord Rawksyand You used the wrong word several times. Immensity(the fact of being immense) does not match the way the sentence is phrased. You also used faltered (has already) instead of faltering (In the process) It was cute to equate a violet lightsaber blade with the word violent, considering her past. The piece was a bit generic, the verbal interplay a little too trite. Saying the light will always prevail needed a better metaphor; as in saying that like a sunrise, the light will return, though mentioning that the darkness within that light will return was good. It was interesting that Revan as she is now realizes that the code is wrong, even as she fights to preserve it. Her arguments against denying emotions a perfect example of the flaws in the logic of the code as stated. The Mandalorian Wars Vangrul Mandalorian Wars: The war from several views Remember to reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. The sentence 'Those who stayed and took up his offer and sacrificed body parts and went through amputations and transplants at his hands were spared and those who were assimilated into the Mandalorians clans were also spared.' is long, convoluted, and confusing. You also used the wrong word several times, seen rather than saw, want instead of wanted, sit instead of sat, or used the same word such as the word 'such' twice. The story was more confusing than anything else. Having a renegade Vong actively assisting would have been noticed however, if only by wild stories, and unless Republic intelligence is totally clueless, they would have recorded it. From Behind The Mask Skywalker05 KOTOR: What if Revan was of an unknown alien race? The basics are interesting, and honestly the only reason Revan is human is Canon. KOTOR II and a half: Dark and Light United Fellowship of Darl Light Post TSL: A collaborative effort, As Robert Frost said (Paraphrased) the best laid escape plans... Remember to reread and edit before posting, you used course (direction) when you meant coarse (Rough) and for got to finish out sentences such as 'He wasn't her punching bag but if (he) had sent'. That being said, the editing errors above were overriden by the sheer humor of the piece. Naming a Gizka Snackcake for example, and witty repertoire such as... "W-What's that do?" The Jedi asked hesitantly. "Hell if I know but there's only one way to find out." Neko said with a shrug as he activated the device causing the object so screech before it started spinning at an alarming speed. Keyan grew increasingly nervous as the object neared him. "Isn't the point of an interrogation to ask your prisoners questions before you torture them?" He said hastily while all the time trying to sink into the stone tablet behind him. "Who said I was interrogating you? This, my friend, is stress relief." And of course the Sith female using her 'assets' to confuse some clueless Jedi boy... Pick of the Week To Eternity The Fico Starting in KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: Canderous and Revan admit their feelings The piece was fun on many levels. First, of all the men Revan could end up with, Canderous is by far the best. I am sure if you check every male member of the crew he is the one who would accept her as she is, and not be totally heartbroken by being left behind when she has to leave. Second, I like the Mando'a society, at least as created by Karen Traviss and added to by yours truly. Pick of the Week Maul's Intervention Breger KOTOR AU: Darth Maul is thrown into a vortex, where will he end up? The idea of Maul ending up back in the KOTOR period is an interesting twist. However, why did he ignore the orders to keep an eye on the two Jedi to run off and practice? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 7, 2013 Author Share Posted June 7, 2013 Fanfiction.net Another Shot of Juma Sandra Evans Post TSL: With the Exile now in search of Revan, Atton drowns his sorrow. The piece is a nice introspective study. Atton is trying to fall back into his old ways, but they aren't as satisfying as they had been. We are left with a man who is facing what every Soldier's wife has faced; that while they love you, the mission comes first. Pick of the week The Sound of Revenge MaggOnasi and RevanBodyguard Post TSL: Just two normal families... Remember, reread, edit, rewtie, polish. You forgot to finish sentences several times and have some grammar problems. The piece is an interesting look at our heroes and their lives after their adventures. The young boy's logic is exactly what you would anticipate from an eight year old, and Atton is the type of father that is either condescending, or overly spoiling. His wanting to trade his daughter for the Onasi's son is also what you would anticipate, since the girl doesn't enjoy the same things her father does. Dreams, Stars, Nightmares StatlerWaldorf Pre-Mandalorian Wars: The Exile makes her decision, even knowing the consequences Remember to sight edit. You left out the word “A” before commotion for example. No biggie, when I am writing a story in flow of consciousness mode, I misspell and leave out words galore. I just remember to reread to catch it. It is an interesting take on the Exile, obsessing on a class she had failed, and a teacher gently finding a way past the block. The idea that the Order is going to Exile every Jedi that survives to return from the wars a bit over the top, though religious orders do tend to overreact to challenges to their authority. Pick of the Week Brown Eyed Girl Bmjewell Four and a half years post KOTOR: Revan returns, with a surprise The piece is almost a storybook ending. The only problem I had is this would make the girl about three, and most three year olds are not that coherent (Comes from being third of eight kids when I was still at home) But beyond that very enjoyable. As for age, Carth is supposed to be in his early to mid 30s in KOTOR. So having him be 42 isn't that big a stretch. Pick of the Week Teach a Man to Fish Lyrik Proz Several years Post KOTOR: Kev, our friend from the Whimpering Locker tries to adjust The piece is a good follow-up to No Food for Fishies. I didn't need a description of their location to know it wasn't Manaan; after all, only a lunatic would have wanted to stay on that planet after what he had gone through. His self-deprecation is normal, yet he's standing near water, and actually helping someone else to catch a fish rather than running screaming. Spare Parts, Chemicals, and Components Sh1 n0 m1k0 A series of TSL Vignettes: A dark side Exile finally completes Mical's damnation I have never played TSL from the Darkside version, primarily, because what I did was choose what I considered the 'right' answer, which meant every Exile went from mediocre to super good without even trying. Of course this means that all of your team also make that ascent. This is an interesting take on Mical because as he is being dragged along with her into the pit, he is regretting her actions, not his own. Four chapters long. Well worth the read Second Series of KOTOR One Shots SnowMiser1825 Ten years Post-KOTOR on Dantooine: The long wait is finally over, but it is not a happy ending. The first chapter is kind of sad, because there is no middle ground. Revan has fallen again, but part of her still wants Carth's love. But since she can't have him in the light, it is the only option her training gives her. Mine Postal KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: A new look for Bastila The piece is a bit funny because first you picture Bastila, then picture her not three sheets to the wind, but maybe two with the hands raising the third. She's at that pleasant 'I'm not drunk' stage that makes her easier to talk to. Unfortunately, I can see her as a weeping drunk with a little more... Pick of the Week The Phantom Brick LegoMink Phantom Menace Ala Legos: The Jedi finally escape The humor was there, but it was forced in some cases. The argument between Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon as the droids just stood there waiting to be killed was highly amusing, especially their finally destroying the droids because they had an appointment with death... Something About Us Oh-Great-Sarcastic-One TSL after Nar Shaddaa: Sometime you can say it in a song The piece is fun to read, and there are five chapters to go. Using a song is well enough, and everyone has that one song that describes them inside, so that is acceptable. My only problem is from when Atton wakes up to the end. After all, the cockpit of the Hawk is not that big, so there isn't a lot of 'heading toward' someone space as it were. Wrath of the Diston cr1ticalbl0w During the battle of Geonosis: A fire team gets caught in battle The piece is far too short to get a good feeling about style. There are technical flaws, one with the writer, but the other the premise he is using. Technical, Injury: You have the Clone who got shot aboard the gunship act as if nothing had happened. The first time under fire, even a trained soldier would do more than look and signal it's nothing. Flexing the arm to assure movement, even flinching. This scene would make sense with a droid, but not with a human being, and even if mass produced, clones are still human. Technical, Squad: In the Galaxies and battle front games, they use a three man squad, why I don't know, since a squad is about twelve men at full strength in the modern army; about a full load for a single gunship. What you have here in reality is a squad breaking into fire teams, which are between two and three men each. Also a squad is not a command billet for a 1st lieutenant, it is what a sergeant would command. This is not to say the lieutenant could not be landing with that specific squad, just that he would be commanding a 44 man platoon. Diaspora Pheeee Pre TSL: The adventure begins, just not what you would anticipate Remember conversation breaks. At least they were separated by some actions occuring, but it can be confusing to the reader if they're not sure who is talking. Technical note, her 'ship': Unless your version of the Republic is more like the old SS or KGB, you're not going to literally kidnap someone, yet that is exactly what we see. Without a warrant for arrest or a request for the person to accompany the authorities, the end of chapter one is illegal. In my own Return From Exile (Over at Lucasforums' Coruscant Entertainment Center) I had Republic Intelligence send to men to 'ask' her to go with them, not a group that literally drugs her and drags her aboard. Also, someone who had been through four years of war would not have been this clueless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MsFicwriter Posted June 7, 2013 Share Posted June 7, 2013 "rewtie, rewtie, rewtie!" Taht's waht I awlays say. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 8, 2013 Author Share Posted June 8, 2013 You making fun of me? Good! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 15, 2013 Author Share Posted June 15, 2013 Fanfiction.net Attack of the Minifigs LegoMink Sequel to The Phantom Brick: A Lego beginning for Attack of the Clones... The piece was a lot funnier than the first one. Having Anakin upset because a droid rather than an insect woke Padme, punching a guy to steal his aircar to pursue, Obi Wan using a golf club and driving Anakin onto the enemy car. And the ending of chapter one, priceless! Pick of the Week The Last Sith Lord Darth Master Post TSL on Malachor V: Revan returns in time to stop the Exile The piece is well done, with only one minor quibble. The idea that the spirits of the Sith triad are still hanging around waiting for the end of this battle was good, but the idea that Sion is going to stay merely to torment the Exile's sould for all eternity a bit too Judeo-Christian for me. Forbidden Bmjewell TSL on Dantooine: Sometimes the forbidden must be explored. The piece was well done, and while Mical wasn't in character, he was lovingly portrayed. While I have never liked him, in fact used the option of having Handmaiden replace him, the only time I have ever complained about Mical was actually a few years ago when someone portrayed him as a pedophile. My primary complaint is Azkul's actions during the fight scene. Yes, I could see him raping her, or merely killing her out of hand. But not taking time in the middle of a mission to do so. Technical note, Mercenaries: Remember that most people have to quote Machiavelli to condemn mercenaries, which when you think of it, is the pot calling the kettle black. The Italian hated them not because they were inefficient, but because they had a bad habit of staying true to the paymaster, not the guy who wants to run things. I wrote an article explaining them back in 2009 at LucasForums > Network > Knights of the Old Republic > Community > Coruscant Entertainment Centre > The Resource Centre > Mercsand Pirates and Brigands where I went through their work in history you should read. Pick of the Week Sith of the Old Republic Darth Bandon Nixi-ixin Minor Quibble, Yoda is not alive yet. So this is Master Vandar, who does not Yoda-speak. During KOTOR: Darth Bandon reminisces about how he came to be where he is The piece has an uncompleted feel to it, though it was rather well written. But I have some minor problems with it. First, why didn't he report his Master, and how was that man able to lie convincingly to the Council? It doesn't make sense for them to complain if the work he is reading is in their own archives. The master's comment makes sense, because I am willing to bet real money that if there is a comprehensive archive of works of demonology and witchcraft here on Earth, it would be inside the archives of the Catholic church for that very reason and restricted, just as you have the section at Hogwarts of such books. Technical note: You have the Jedi a little too quick to exile someone. This would be the equivalent of finding out a parish priest had read the book the Exorcist, and excommunicating him. If Harry Potter (To use the analogy above) had been caught in the restricted section in the Sorceror's Stone, they would not have expelled him, they would have found a lesser punishment instead. After all fifty years earlier Tom Riddle had found out about Horcruxes (Which I would define as Dark Magic)in that same library. Using the method you mention, the entire Defense Against the Dark Arts class would be cut because to learn how to defend against something, you have to know what you are defending against. Through the entire Harry Potter series, the one DatDA class I enjoyed most was when Alastor Moody taught them about the Unforgivable Curses. In fact in the book, Moody taught Harry how to resist the Imperious Curse by using it on the boy. If you have read the Wiki, Aurors (Trained to capture or kill Dark Magic users) were allowed to use them to interrogate prisoners. The restricted sections of such a library are not to stop the students from learning, they are designed to assure that the people who do read them are vetted to allow it. Kotor: left hand of darkness Zen crescent Post-KOTOR, no location given: Carth has to deal with why Revan left, and her holo-letter could explain it. It is had not has experienced, diary, not dairy. As a first fan fic, this is very good. Unfortunately, I only had time to read the first chapter. That prologue merely whetted my appetite. The idea that she would want to explain makes sense. Pick of the Week The Casino at the edge of the Galaxy R-I-C-A-R-D TSL on Malachor V: What has Revan been doing? You have the phrase 'do you have' reversed. 'HK and Canderous both pull(ed) blasters'. Corrections aside, it was a riot! Revan leaving just to get away from all of the entanglements, the Exile playing Pazaak while drunk and losing the ship! Could it get any better? Pick of the Week The rise of Delvon Izareon Darth Void No era given: A young Jedi is being sent on a mission You use reliving when I think you meant relieving, since it it the opposite of frightening. You also used vowel instead of vows. In the sentence 'I can hold any emotional or facial expression with little ease' I think you meant little effort, like a politician's smile needs little effort even when he is thinking of something else. However, a lamprey has a circular mouth lined with teeth to hold, so the statement falls apart. Technical note, Albinism: Most albinos (And they come in all races) have white hair and red eyes. What you described is more like an ash or 'platinum' blond. Technical note, crossbreeding: Why would the Sith bother to save the DNA of a race they themselves had destroyed? As to the mechanics, unless they were pre-space flight, samples could have been gathered from members who were off the planet, and if they were primitive, even by gatheirng some of them before the destruction. The story is short, barely 1100 words in two short chapters. It is also unfinished. I would wonder why they would go to a planet that has been destroyed. Prestige HellsxFirexBunny Pre-KOTOR: Yuthura as a young hopeful Remember to reread and edit. You left the 'o' off only, It's calm and collected, and damaged, not damanged, and devices, not deceives, which is where I stopped noting such errors. Don't worry too much about it except for correcting them; when I get into my writing I do as much if not worse. Remember conversation breaks. It confuses the reader if you have more than one person talking in the same sentence and paragraph. Thanks to many spelling errors, the piece is confusing. The scene where she eavesdrops on the three girls didn't scan because I honestly cannot see the Sith allowing such (To them) useless discourses. The scene of battle with the grenade didn't scan either, because the first thing a soldier would know is that all grenades, even smoke of incindiery, have delay fuses. So relaxing when it doesn't explode on impact is foolish. The author wrote this right before the account was closed, at around seventeen. I wonder if she improved afterward? BreakFix Mshcherbatskaya Pre-TSL: Jaq Rand works on a subject, but who is working on whom? The piece is a very interesting psychological study of a torturer and his subject. While there is no record that I know of, I am willing to bet even the Romans used the old 'good' cop 'bad' cop routine. The only negative is the sensless brutality shown by the others. Having the doctors refusing to treat injuries, other interrogators deciding to have a little fun rather than doing their jobs is counterproductive. As Jaq himself commented, orders were to turn, not terminate, and while a little of such treatment would aid the process, having someone put the prisoner's life in danger unnecessarily is stupid, because someone will pay. The rambling conversation was good because it is something you might expect from the 'good guy' perspective. Let the person you are brutalizing think this is the one nice guy in the equation. His complaints against the Jedi, however, seem all too true. Pick of the Week Reforging The Blade Lady Zenoka Set during the period after ROTS: Sequel to Tempering the Blade. AU, the Dark Lords Revan and Sadow (Anakin Skywalker) finally find their son, Luke. But will he join them, or fight them? The biggest problem I have is the Star Forge (With Malak still alive, mind) was still in existence 4,000 years in the future. The explanation of how Revan is still alive makes some sense, and having her as the mother of Luke acceptable. But how did Obi Wan succeed in stealing away their children? Guess you'll have to read the prequel... Balance of Echoes Draic Kin TSL aboard Ravager: The final confrontation between the Exile and Nihilus The author did some good work. As others have commented, the biggest problem with TSL was the story was too weak, a lot of what you did made little sense in the context. In my own Return from Exile over at Lucasforums, my Nihilus was a character named Quintain; a lackluster leader whi commanded Ravager due only to family connections, and the one who actually activated the Mass Shadow Generator against orders so he would be the 'hero' of the battle. The author here though made him the Padawan of the Exile herself, and the interplay between them was well done. Pick of the week Rise of the FallenOld Ver Jarret91 It would be train not kick instead of kicked, and to the training facility, during not druing, smirk not smirked. Remember that a name, such as Ebon Hawk is always capitalized. Technical note, Invasion: The primary problem I had with the work was that the Sith were able to sneak up on an entire planet. Assuming only the sensor systems used in the modern day, and then also assuming that a warship cannot approach closer than two planetary diameters (Used in A New Hope book by George Lucas as the distance Millennium Falcon arrived at Yavin) you would have detection of the enemy at 24,584 kilometers, less than a tenth of a light second. Hat means the automated systems would warn you in less than two tenths of a second before your automated systems warn you. However that assumes the rather dumb computers of modern day; they see a possible threat and alert you to that and you take it from there. A heuristic (Learning) computer would not need to go through half of the song and dance. It would automatically do an IFF (Identity, Friend or Foe check) and would in four tenths of a second, know these ships are enemy. So less than one second after the enemy fleet arrives, the alarms go off. So being able to land completely by surprise is impossible. As an example, the aerial portion of the attack on Pearl Harbor was detected half an hour before the attack began, but humans in the system ignored the warning. Modern systems set to alert humans to a Nuclear attack take less than 3 tenths of a second to detect launches and less than a minute to mark the most likely targets. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 22, 2013 Author Share Posted June 22, 2013 Fanfiction.net Random Turn of Events RedXLover Post TS: on Telos: The grand reunion anticipated by the the two men left behind doesn't happen quite that way... All dialogue, but that itself was amusing. Our Exile sounds like the kid in the car whining about how long it will be before you arrive, Revan comes across as a smart-ass who has all the facts, and a rapier wit to go with them. Such as: (Exile speaking)"Lux Zorf? Why does that sound so familiar?" "It should. You slept with him during the war. All the info is on my data pad." Very amusing, especially the end Pick of the Week Revan's Galactic Acquisitions R-I-C-A-R-D Post TSL aboard Ebon Hawk enroute to Telos: Sequel to The Casino at the edge of the Galaxy, Revan's quiet return might have hit a snag... The piece took up the ball where the previous work ended, and ran with it. Revan relaxing in a Force Cage of all things. T3 making dire threats from where they left him jammed into the bulkhead to seal the ship's damage, and the Exile still upset because she played Pazaak for the ship and lost. The comment that G0T0 should have been destroyed with Malachor sets up the next scene. Seven chapters total, a real fun read. Pick of the Week Dark Empire: Exodus KnightOfTheWord Post TSL in the Unknown Regions: A young Jedi hopeful finds a new apprentice in an unlikely place The piece is an interesting twist. You have a Jedi Padawan, captured by the secret Sith empire, finding her captor would make a better Jedi than Sith. Sort of like all those 'we'll turn you to the dark side' stories. She has that lever to use because to the Sith of this hidden Empire, the Jedi are a denigrated myth; Force Users that actually help people rather than ruling? Be real! The Darkness of Love Shida87 TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: While she loves Atton, there is a secret she has yet to reveal... The piece may be a first fan fic, but it's well worth the read. The idea that she was not sent into Exile because of the war, but rather because she had fallen in love with Revan is an interesting twist. Pick of the Week Nar Shaddaa Nightlife Lord Zeuss TSL on Nar Shaddaa: The Exile and Atton find a way to hide One minor thing; there are perhaps six way I can think of to kill someone without a drop of blood being spilled. And as much we see Nar Shaddaa as a place where you could see just about everything, I can't see many people ignoring a woman drenched in blood. The piece is well done as a lot of LZ's work is, and the idea that the main one searching for her is basically asexual in the situation is well done. Having one who has absolutely no interest in these alien women at all rather than one who just can't seem to keep their hands off the women is a refreshing change. Silence EnigmaticPseudonym AOTC right before landing on Geonosis: Why silence is rare to a soldier The piece has an interesting view, mainly that of a soldier, though the first part suggests a lot more experience than a clone landing for his first battle. Perhaps it is more what he has been told than what he himself has experienced The Dark Clone Lord Darth Master Some years after KOTOR: A female clone of Revan searches for the one person who shares her DNA. When I read the blurb at the start, I was a bit confused. Why A: make a clone of Revan, and B: why make it a female instead? But I thoroughly enjoyed the scene where she murders her creator, and his purpose when he did. I liked the premise, and the commentary about what she was inside, Sage, warrior, and child rolled into one, and like any child, she wants it now... Five chapters long, and I honestly wish I had time to read every one. Pick of the Week Your to Hold Songfic FallenAngelLove KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk after the Leviathan Revelation: Revan and Carth try to start again The piece is primarily the song itself, but the words between, Revan literally saying, 'I want us back to what we were, that I was Revan but no more' is a nice take on the situation. I understand the view from both sides; that Revan is no longer there, but Carth can't let the past go. Something the game just sort of glosses over. In my own work over at Lucasforums, I had Carth looking back at everything the new incarnation of Revan had done that he witnessed to make the same decision, though in mine, they were never lovers. The Lovers the Brothers and the Sith Part 1 Patti T Seven months Post-KOTOR: The new love is tainted by the old Remember to stay in one tense; you fluctuated between present and past tense throughout the work. The piece is primarily a slice of life. Revan and Carth settling into a relationship, Dustil acting like you would expect a teen to act with Mission's help, and the memories of her first love (Malak) and him dying on the Star Forge before she could save him. The Price of Vengeance Castalia Moirae KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk and Leviathan: Vengeance is all consuming. What will Carth pay for his vengeance? This is like the start of a disaster movie; the 'slice of life' that will descend into hell. Carth is so obsessed (As he is in the game) that he is willing to pay any price... Which leads to the problems after the revelation of who is companion really is. Some People Change Part I: Taris Elina Trevisan KOTOR beginning before Taris: A smuggler is given a second chance The piece is well written, and carries you along easily. The basic problem I had with KOTOR is that there is really no lead in to what is happening. The hero is merely there aboard the ship with no rhyme nor reason as to how she had gotten there. This story in the first chapter defines the character to be, and gives you a basis for how she ends up on the Endar Spire. KOTOR III: The Forgotten Ones Captain Charr Post TSL: Abandoning the others, the Exile only wishes to be alone. Considering all that had happened during her adventures, having the Exile merely run away to solitude is a logical option. Too much has been said negatively about what she is and might become to make it seem like the right idea. But like any hero of legend, the Gods, Force, (Or the writer) just won't let them go... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 2, 2013 Author Share Posted July 2, 2013 As you all know, the site went down last Friday. I had been here during the morning of that day, and when I came back in that afternoon, it was down so this is running late... Knights of the Old Republic The Sith Lords Grey Phantom TSL From the Beginning: Our heroine struggles to survive Technical note: It is not warfare programming, it is combat. A mining droid would need simple targeting sensors so that it can aim it's laser, and know where to implant the explosive charges, but only a limited ability to track a moving target with those sensors. One thing, you do not have to explain every term and give pronunciation. If your readers have played the game, they know how Peragus or Kreia is pronounced. As for terms, if you have ever read the book the Making Of Star Trek, there was a comment that Marshall Dillon doesn't explain how a Colt .45 works; he merely straps the gun on, and that is it. The author sort of skims the actual dialogue, though a lot of it is actual dialogue from the game. This is both good and bad; by skimming it, you give the characters more life than they had during the game, but sticking to the original makes it sound generic. This is not as much of a black mark as one person I reviewed last year took it; generic merely means you did not put the extra effort into it. A perfect example is the movie Beverly Hills Cop, where you took a generic situation (Cop hunting the killer of his friend) and by using Eddie Murphy, a comedian, you made the main character more than the basic script created. One thing I did not like was the ending. Soldiers are not mass murderers, they are men put in a life and death situation, and opted to survive at their enemy's expense. To paraphrase Robert Adams from the book Champion of the last Battle, where someone waxes lyrical about the honor of battle (While having shown little or none on their own part) the main Character comments that war is like surgery; that a leader does what has to be done as quickly as he can so that the damage is the least. Forgiveness Layana Danare Several years Post TSL: Will Mira let him back into her life? The piece is soft and poignant. We didn't need the explanation as to why you chose Mira over the others as the love interest, though killing them off was a bit much. Revan and the Fuzzball Army Sailoramber KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: The Galaxy Droid Glitch strikes! I saw the name, then read the blurb. Then I looked up the Galaxy Droid, which seems to have only happened in the Game Station releases. With some trepidation I began to read... After finishing the second chapter I had to stop or I'd be late with these reviews. The piece is funny, from her dream of Carth and a bowl of cream (I don't know, ask the author) to Carth first wanting to wear Revan's underwear, then protesting that she is using religious discrimination to stop him from going along; all because he can't throw Force lightning! Not to mention the rapidly multiplying Zaalbars! Pick of the Week A Jedi's Heart CatLoverRuka The piece is an interesting aside. I don't know if they have a mod to have Revan choose Juhani as a love interest or not (Some research I need to do) but since it will allow Revan to choose Bastila even if it is a female Revan, there might be. In fact the only things I have to ding the story on are as follows: You used the word loose (As in set free) instead of lose (Misplace). The other is the time involved. In the SW universe, there is not a lot of time spent on traveling. As an example, Emperor Palpatine is able to arrive at Mustafar from Coruscant within minutes of when Anakin is downed. Yet you are spending a long time (Long enough for everyone to sleep) traveling from the Rakatan homeworld to their own sun. Several light years in minutes, yet a day of more to cover less than 145 million kilometers. Oh, BTW, there is a Juhani romance option; and it works whichever way you swing... Pick of the week Shadows of the Empire: Tour of Duty Kadorhal TESB on Hoth: One soldier's view of the battle The piece started out more like KOTOR with the character asleep as the battle begins. From that point on it was a bit confusing, having him be an infantryman, then suddenly a pilot, then a guide. However humans are not like droids or Clones; you don't automatically have all of the skills of a ground pounder and a combat pilot. As a writer, you have to remember that every one of us goes through times when we feel no one is paying attention. Don't go by comments; there are so many people that look, read, and say nothing that the only way to judge popularity is the number of hits it receives. As an example one of my stories reached over ten thousand hits, but has only 32 reviews. I have others that have NO reviews and only a few hits. The End Of All Things Daemonette19 KOTOR aboard the Star Forge: The end of the first adventure begins the next The piece was interesting though I wasn't sure if the Jedi in the tubes were still alive or not when they shut down the droid brain. The death scene was actually one of the best I have read so far, close enough to the story line but far enough off to make it more interesting. Having Renee (The Exile) feel the death across the Galaxy even without the Force was a very good touch. The only negative I saw was the idea that a Republic warship was going to let her hitch a ride. After all, as much as I would like to visit Japan or China, I know I can't go over to Nellis and hitch a ride on a MAC flight. Doors Sarcasm Turtle TSL on Nar Shaddaa: The Exile and Atton grow closer The piece starts a bit amusing, and in chapter 2 (As far as I read) it got very serious. The author, albeit unintentionally, highlights the one problem with personal relationships between Jedi, especially between master and Padawan; that you will stop thinking about them as students, and start thinking of them as lovers. That is why the military has rules about not having relationships inside a chain of command. Star Wars Jedi Hunter Tihaq Klee No period given: With the Jedi gone for over four decades, a Jedi Hunter finds evidence they still exist. Remember to sight edit, you used barley (The grain) instead of barely for example. The primary problem is there is no character development. We know the main character of chapter two is a hybrid, and one of his companions a Twi-Lek, but little else. The reason for their search is ominous, since they are 'hunters' suggesting that this does not bode well for any Jedi they do encounter, as we see. Atton Hears His Death Wicked42 TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton gets to hear something really odd. Being an old fart, I actually had to look up the term 'crack fiction'. I did so after the fact, and that explanation caused me to laugh out loud. The piece is funny because the characters know they are in a game, and Atton's primary protest is he got a Male Exile instead of a female. The ending is choice because you find it is just the Exile having fun with it. Pick of the Week Departure Ookami no Mibu 10 Years Post Mandalorian Wars: A student goes to find a fallen Jedi Technical note, timeline: A problem with the time line. You mention that the Mandalorian wars begin in 3999 BBY, but set it in 5964, almost 2,000 years earlier. This would be the equivalent of having King Arthur fight his last battle at Gettysburg Pennsylvania. Technical note, Jedi Classes: Having played the game through, and having read the actual RPG rulebook from a game-master perspective, I don't see the restrictions you specify as part of them. The Guardian is better trained with weapons, true, but when it comes to Force powers, the primary difference between a Guardian and a Consular is that the second is trained more in the diplomatic areas. That would not limit their ability to meditate. The style is crisp and fun. Having the emergency airbag deploy after the crash was fun, and her constant frustration with everything from the mission to getting her butt whipped in seconds by the person she is hunting was good. A first work? Not too shabby. Pick of the Week Reunited and Revealed MasterVash One year Post KOTOR: The second reunion between Carth and Dustil goes better than the first. I almost protested because technically, this is the third reunion. Meeting on Korriban, another less fruitful meeting referred to in the work, then this one. It was interesting in this work, that the devastation of Telos is placed after Revan had been captured rather than before, and this is what calms Dustil down. As for his originally blaming her for that deed, unfortunately, is the way human beings are; if you read up on the first Nuremberg trial, four of the defendants had been charged just because they were senior military officers, and the Judges were claiming they had violated international law by training their men to fight, then leading them; in other words, for doing their jobs (Charges one and two; Conspiracy to wage an Aggressive War, and the actual act.) while only one of them was a member of the Nazi Elite. Condemning a professional soldier for planning and waging a war the best they can is like complaining that water is wet. Stay Rarecase Mandalorian Wars: Told from the perspective of Morgana, his first departure to the wars. For a long time after reading it, I flashed back to every war movie I had ever seen, and remembered the farewells said then. I was lucky; I joined the Coast Guard because I didn't feel the Vietnam War was legitimate, yet felt I owed my country a service. So I never went through this. But I felt the pain of every one of those couples and families saying a goodbye that might be a last one. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted July 6, 2013 Author Share Posted July 6, 2013 The Dirge of Malachor Victor Craban Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: A fleeing Jedi is caught by the Mass Shadow Generator The piece went a bit quickly for me, and was disjointed. One of the ideas that has been bandied about by the writers here is that Revan literally sacrifices all of the troops on Malachor. In this instance, one Jedi (Among others who obviously were not notified, or chose to stay) is almost caught by it. Slipping Littera Post KOTOR, no time given: Amida (Revan) struggles with her memories The piece has a good feel to it. You can picture the woman's mind like a train wreck you can't look away from. Worse yet, you are looking into the car of that train as the sole passenger realizes there is no escape. Star Wars: The Mandalorian Wars; Episode I Aeron Ranmark Pre Mandalorian Wars: A joung Jedi remembers when he is chosen. The one thing I applaud for the author is the choice of another planet to begin on. Not one of the ones we all know, but a new one, though it has all the earmarks of Tatooine. The inner struggle ends as we anticipated, and the idea that Kreia would not have even bothered to come by if she knew he would reject the offer was well delineated. Something Amiss HisLordFluffiness KOTOR on Tatooine: With Carth hating her, Revan has to let him know how she feels... The piece is a nice bit that matches the author's name, harsh at the start, but fluffy at the end. Pick of the Week Shades of Black Tuscan Rhase KOTOR Aboard Endar Spire: The hero makes his get away Technical note; A patrol is usually not a single person, though one man can be patrolling; like a sentry on duty. Also, a battalion is 5-600 men, not what I would call a squad, which is what was faced by the droid in this work. The piece doesn't pull punches as to what side of the equation the character is on. He is having too much fun being evil for you to ever consider he's going to be light side. The Lady and the Lord RahXephon Post KOTOR: The new Dark Lord takes the Sith on a different path Actually, I enjoyed this because the path taken is a logical progression. In my own KOTOR work, (In a section not yet posted) I had the Rakata struck down by a plague created by the Force itself, making their empire collapse. The Revan shown here realizes the same thing; that the Star Forge is too dangerous to be left operational, and must be destroyed. The operations from his ascension to the end of chapter one are all logical progressions, even to rewriting the codes of both Jedi and Sith into a unified body. Mind Games Sou7h TSL Planet not given: Atton's mind plays cards to hide what he really feels The confrontation made some sense. But only if you remember that Atton is a gambler at heart. In poker, there is what is called a Tell; something a gambler always does when he has a bad hand, or a good hand. In the martial arts it is called telegraphing, because your body makes a move that tells the enemy you are about to strike, and regardless of how well you train yourself, it is something that can be seen with practice. What we have here is a confrontation with Atton attempting to find Disciple's 'tell' and failing. We know it is a failure because Atton is still unsure. New Beginnings Investigatrix Through KOTOR to post TS: Canderous looks back as the world changes around him The piece spans from Pre-KOTOR to the end of TSL, and does it as Canderous reminisces on all that has changed. The only negative I have is that the Mandalorians never regained their honor. It's the End of The World As We Know It Trillian4210 TSL on Malachor V: Two abandoned survivors of the climactic battle make their peace The piece is like all of Trilli4210's work. Nice neat, sweet with just a taste of bitter regret. The two who cling to each other in the end are at peace at last. Pick of the Week Star Wars Tatooine Invasion Grand Moff Tarkin Battlefront II: A Rebel force is ambushed at Tatooine The stage is the same cantina we remember from ANH. But the battle is disjointed. My main complaint is technical, and addressed below: Technical note, Military in hiding, modern day: By definition, the Rebels in Star Wars are pretty much a guerrilla organization. To understand what should be happening here, look at the Taliban operating out of Pakistan. The capability is on the side of the large more technical force. The US has satellites, unmanned drones capable of hitting them with guided missiles, and guided bombs that can be dropped from high altitude and still hit their targets. The Taliban survives by remembering that. So hunkering down in a town, no matter how small doesn't work well. If you don't believe me, ask Osama. Tatooine makes sense as a hideout, but there are thousands of kilometers of desert and arroyos to hide in. The course of Beggar's Canyon comes to mind, caves used in portions of the race in APM would be perfect to hide in. Also, while the Empire could land a small force to check such a place, they used probe Droids to check out Hoth, because it is A;) remote, and B;) unsettled. It would take the Empire weeks to check every possible bolthole on the planet, but your Rebels made it easy by using a town to hide in. A normal settlement has people who live there, and somewhere like Mos Eisley would be watched because there is a spaceport, a place where there are a lot of transients. It would be easy to slip a team, maybe a single ship's crewman that would report if a group of Rebels just arrived. Once that happens, of course, it could happen as you describe. My question though is why the troops didn't have any sensors up to spot approaching warships. Kreia'a a what? Sara1281 TSL on Dantooine: She wouldn't know where to buy a clue if you gave her the money... The piece caused me to laugh out loud as I read it. The masters lay out what she does step by step, and she is so clueless that you know she has done more damage than they have enumerated. I was just surprised that the planets survived her visit. I really wanted to read the rest! Pick of the Week The Diary of Bastila Shan Lord Darth Master KOTOR on Taris: Bastila is not sure how to handle her charge. Can they escape from Taris? The piece is well written, though it is past not passed. The interplay is interesting because Bastila as a Jedi should understand subterfuge, so having her draw first meant she overreacted. Knowing she doesn't understand the military mindset, it is logical she would be alarmed when Revan is furious with her, and confused because Revan in both lives was a soldier, and knows that rookies make mistakes. I wish I could read it all the way through. Pick of the Week Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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