[Fic] For You

[JediMaster12]

For You

 

The ancient temple was a magnificent site. It had been rumored that it had been a place of worship for the Sith when they met the first Jedi that turned against their masters. It was strange that it was on a world that was nothing like the dark place of Korriban. Instead it existed beyond the Outer Rim in the Unknown Regions on a lush jungle of a planet. It was sparsely populated but no one dared to venture near the temple.

 

The locals, a race of humans who came thousands of years ago, claimed that it was protected by the curse of an evil spirit or some sort. They warned anyone who asked about it to not go near it of fear of being sucked into darkness. They told of another, a woman, who went into the jungles intent on finding the temple and emerging looking lost. Other stories told of others going in and never returning. It sounded like a children’s fairy tale but to Serena Korrin, it sounded something that warranted a look.

 

Ignoring the warnings that the villagers of the local settlement that lived in what was called the Wastes in the city, she set off for the temple, taking her companion, Atton, with her and made their way through the jungle towards the temple. They encountered a few beasts but nothing that couldn’t be driven away or confused with Serena’s beast trick ability. Once at the temple, they were greeted by a series of ancient booby traps and writings inscribed upon the walls warning of an ancient evil. They were looking at a panel that had a detailed drawing of two combatants fight with what appeared to be lightsabers but could have been blades. Serena was brushing the dust away to try and see the picture when a low hissing disturbed her. Looking down she saw a small serpent that was slithering across her boot. She frowned at it and said, “Go away,” and with a quick movement flung it with her foot, narrowly missing Atton.

 

“Hey! Those are poisonous you know,” he replied with a slight scowl.

 

Not fooled by it, Serena smiled and replied, “Only if they bite you.” Turning back to the panel and continued to wipe away the dirt. “What was

that noise about?”

 

“Nothing. Unless you count spacing a few of those flying rodent things.”

 

“Well as long as the temple is still standing then that’s fine.”

 

“Serena, why are we here? I mean how long ago do you think Revan was here? If she passed through here,” Atton frowned at the panel she was dusting.

 

“Any little clue will help Atton. Besides I made a promise,” Serena replied. She stepped back to view the panel. Gleaning what she could from it, she turned to face Atton who was lounging against a stonewall and said, “We need to go through here. Ever since I had that dream, this panel is all I can think about and what’s behind it.”

 

“Ever since you had that dream, I haven’t had a decent night of sleep. Couldn’t we just space this project?” Atton replied.

 

Serena gave him a scowl that didn’t hide her smile. She looked at the panel one last time before she stood back. With a surge of the Force, she force pushed the panel back until it fell to reveal a room beyond. Serena walked through to see what appeared to be dead bodies of creatures along the walls. It was chilling when she walked through towards a wall, avoiding the bones. She muttered, “It feels like I have been here before. I know I have been here before.”

 

“I don’t think anyone’s been here for over a thousand years…except for these guys. And it looks like they didn’t get anywhere,” Atton replied, motioning towards the bodies. He followed Serena to where she was standing next to a torch.

 

Not saying anything, Serena reached over and pulled on torch handle. When the door opened she looked at Atton, her face lined with fear. She asked, “Then how come do I seem to know where I am going?”

 

Atton looked at Serena and saw the fear pass through her face. He instantly felt concern for her. He was well aware that her dreams meant something but he didn’t want to see her suffer for it. He said nothing but led the way into the passageway that was revealed. He kept the light that they had brought in front to see what was in front of them. His heart leapt when he felt her hand touch his back but he said nothing as they continued down the passage.

 

Serena was surprised at Atton for taking the lead when she opened the door. Normally she did and he would bring up the rear but then again lately he had been doing things that weren’t himself. She did appreciate that he decided to come and thought it was wishful thinking on her part that it could be something more. She didn’t have more to ponder it when she felt a slight rumble under her feet. She stopped Atton and asked, “Feel that?”

 

Atton stopped, “Feel what?”

 

They didn’t have time to move for the floor gave out beneath them and they fell down into the ground. They landed in a darkened room amongst some rubble that had fallen with them. Atton was the first to get up. He asked if Serena was all right before looking at where they were at. Satisfied that she was fine, they began to look around for a way out. Atton led the way after finding a passageway that led them to a cavern that opened to the sky. “What in space is this place?”

 

Serena brushed away a lock of her hair and scanned the sight before them. The cavern opened up like a gorge, revealing the sky of the planet. Against one of the walls looked like a type of altar with the image of what appeared to be a Sith Lord of some sort. She whispered, “It’s an altar within the temple.”

 

“Sure don’t look like much,” Atton surveyed never leaving Serena. Something was bothering him as they stood there. “Something’s gonna get real wrong real quick soon,” he whispered.

 

Serena knew that Atton was right. She immediately began to look for a way out. She asked, “See any way out?”

 

“Not that I noticed Sweets,” Atton replied. He was looking around the same as she was but he couldn’t see anything.

 

It was Serena who asked, “What about that? Is that a way out?” She was pointing towards an archway that seemed to let out of the temple.

 

Atton followed her finger and saw what she was looking at. He answered, “Maybe. Let’s move out.” He led the way cautiously towards the opening when a low growl caught his attention. “What was that?”

 

Serena had heard it too. She looked around, “I don’t know.”

 

They were broken out of their conversation when the growl become more pronounced. Turning towards the altar, they saw some sort of ghost. It looked like a Dark Jedi but it was hard to tell. A hood framing his face covered the face and it looked larger than an average human. The eyes were yellow with a tinge of red in them. He was unusually tall for a human but he didn’t look old but rather young and there was the faint stench of death about him. It stared at them both breathing, its growling breathes as if trying

to determine what they are.

 

Atton and Serena were almost frozen in their places staring at the figure. They realized that the growling was coming from him and they just stared. The figure spoke in a raspy voice, “It’s been too long since Jedi have wandered so willingly to this temple.”

 

“What do you want?” Atton asked before Serena could say anything. He had prevented it by deliberately standing in front of her.

 

“How quaint. And here I thought Jedi were above such emotions. You are nothing like the last Jedi that came here. She was a fighter,” the figure rasped.

 

“Who are you?” Serena asked stepping from behind Atton. “Who was the Jedi?” She had to ask the question though she knew it had to be Revan.

 

The figure chuckled, “A Jedi. Nothing more. She was a fighter and escaped. Now that I have two Jedi, it will be much more fun. Did the dark power of this place draw you?”

 

“We came here now we want to leave so space off,” Atton replied much to Serena’s annoyance.

 

“You have strength Jedi. Your loyalty is desirable but I know something you don’t.”

 

“Please. If you are like that old witch we spaced, that’s nothing new,” Atton retorted. He didn’t notice Serena tugging on his sleeve to get him to stop nor did he notice that there were shadows creeping up on them.

 

“You are a fool, Jedi.” Then the figure changed his tone of voice and shouted in an ancient language.

 

Atton barely had time to react when a man, obviously a member of the settlement came out of nowhere and swung a huge blade at them with a crazed look in his eyes. He pushed Serena out of the way and drew his lightsaber to counter the strike. Serena landed hard on the ground but managed to get back up. She shouted at the figure, “Stop it!”

 

The figure looked at her and asked, “Or what? Tell me, do you care for him as much as he does you?”

 

Serena looked at Atton battling the crazed man. It was hard but she had to. She turned back towards the figure, “Yes.” Her green eyes flashed defiance.

 

“If you live, you both go free. If you lose, they go free,” the figure’s eyes taunted her.

 

“They…we?” Serena was interrupted by a hand grabbing her and spinning her around. She barely managed to duck the swipe of the blade by a woman who looked much like the man that was battling Atton. Rolling clear, she ignited the saber that she built after finding Bao-dur, it’s bronze orange blade glowing. She met the opposing blade in a shower of sparks hearing only the jeering of the figure who taunted them.

 

Atton was a scoundrel and had been one almost all his life. As a Jedi, he was a baby at it yet he was driven to survive against this crazed man who sputtered that all he had to do was kill Atton and he would be free. Falling back on his Echani training and the saber techniques that Serena had taught him, he managed to hold his own. He led his opponent on a chase around the area, deflecting and dodging. He didn’t know where Serena was until he caught a glimpse of her fighting a woman that he recognized must have come from the settlement. He watched as her opponent gave a hard punch that knocked Serena to the ground, causing her to hit her head. The woman raised her blade for a killing blow. He was near the altar where there stood a strange tome on the shelf. As he started towards Serena, he knocked the tome off onto the ground, shattering it.

 

The figure that had been watching them saw where Atton was. He was worried but he knew that the two Jedi had no clue about the tome up there. Too late he realized that Atton had shattered it when he knocked it to the ground. When it shattered. He felt the pain and roared aloud.

 

The roar startled all the combatants into watching. They watched as the figure writhed in pain. Serena had managed to get to her feet and got close and watched the one who gave them the death sentence. He managed to convey that the Jedi she sought had passed through there and muttered that to follow her would require more than courage or the Force. To her ears, it became unintelligible as it mingled with the ground shaking. Both Atton and the man jumped down and started to head through the archway that Serena pointed to earlier.

 

Atton hadn’t realized what he had done until he noticed the tome near his feet in pieces and the figure twisting in pain. It briefly reminded him of his time as a Sith, tormenting and breaking Jedi. He pushed that from his mind as he jumped down and grabbed Serena’s hand and pulled here towards the tunnel that led towards the exit. They were followed by the two that had been there before them. Together they ran through the tunnels trying to get to the exit while the walls began to crumble.

 

Serena didn’t notice the strength that Atton exerted to lead her on. Her adrenaline was up and coupled with the Force made her a high-speed machine as she kept up. She followed with a blind instinct Atton’s lead as they ran out, not noticing the cuts she was getting from the falling rubble. When they got towards the tunnel she opened, the ground caved out beneath them. Serena barely made it across but only because Atton had helped her by giving her a hard push forward. She landed near the opening after slamming into the wall. She looked for Atton as she struggled to stand up. She didn’t notice that the woman who had fought her was standing near the door hanging on. Both waited and watched.

 

Two pairs of hands came over the edge as both struggled to pull themselves up. Atton didn’t have to look down to know that it was a long drop but instead tried to pull himself up. When he peered over the edge, he saw the look of relief that passed over her face. It was quickly replaced by a look that he knew too well. He shouted at her, “Don’t! Just get out!”

 

The words fell on deaf ears as Serena ran towards Atton. It was hard going for the ground was shaking so bad and huge chunks of rubble were falling down. The last few feet she leaped forward and grabbed Atton by his arms or rather his robes and pulled him up. She grunted, “You’re not getting off that easy,” and pulled harder until Atton was up and he grabbed her and pulled her against the doorjamb, his arms around her waist. Serena watched as their companions struggled only to have the ground they were on give away.

 

Atton stood up still holding Serena and began to pull her through the way they had come. They followed the familiar passageways until they reached the temple entrance and ran through it. They continued to run a distance as the temple collapsed behind them. They stopped when the ground didn’t shake as bad under their feet. Atton watched as the cloud of dust rise from the temple’s collapse unaware that he was holding onto Serena by her waist. As the cloud settled, he said, “I guess we go back to the ship empty handed. Again.”

 

Serena’s voice replied softly, “Not really.” She waited until Atton looked at her with a questioning look. She then continued, “You know I almost lost you there. Why’d you do it?”

 

Atton looked at her becoming aware of his holding her. He replied, “For you. Everything I do is for you.” He then took her lips unto his own, taking in the relief that they were still together on this journey to find Revan.

 

_________________________________

 

A/N: Thanks to ED for the beta. As always a partner in the crime of argumentation I thank him.

 

I hope I made it being that the system I had was down for awhile.

[stingerhs]

overall, not bad at all. the story had several good action moments, and i can honestly say that i was quite riveted. one of the major detractors, though, was that the action was a bit hard to follow, and i was forced to reread several portions to make sense of what was going on. another detractor had a bit to do with the love story itself. it felt a bit like it was just edited in almost as an afterthought. while the love story did make sense, it just simply felt a bit out of place to an extent.

 

its a good read with some flaws. i think a couple more details as to what's going on would help the pacing a bit as well as the love story itself. score: 6.5/10.

[Diego Varen]

Finally a Fic of yours I've finally read. I liked the dialogue between Serena (The Exile I presume) and Atton and they are well written in character. Like stingerhs said, the action was a bit hard to follow and the love story doesn't really fit in, it does speak cleary about love. Another story I may vote on.

[Jae Onasi]

I like a lot of the descriptions you have bringing in all the senses, like "there was the faint stench of death about him."

 

The room with all the bones--I was expecting a trap in that room, given all the bodies lying around. I think you had a prime action sequence opportunity there. I just didn't feel the same level of danger as they went through the temple as I think you were trying to portray.

 

Usually Force ghosts have a purpose, and I didn't see one here. The shattering tome killing the ghost was an interesting idea, but I think I would have liked more of a battle over it then, instead of it being merely an accident that destroys the book and kills the ghost.

 

You also wrote: "It stared at them both breathing, its growling breathes as if trying to determine what they are." How do the characters know this? They can't read his mind.

 

"He asked if Serena was all right before looking at where they were at. Satisfied that she was fine, they began to look around for a way out." This passage is very passive. Instead of telling us this like it's history (which is something I'm very guilty of doing, which is why I point it out to you. It's probably our history training), make it more active. For instance, give Atton the dialogue asking her if she's alright instead of telling us Atton asked her that. "Are you all right?" "You sure?" "Do you see a way out? I'm not finding anything...wait, what about that seam in the wall there--what do you think that's all about?" When you see a lot of prose in your story telling us a lot of information, ask yourself if you can let some of the characters tell us that same information through dialogue or their actions instead. I think you'll like how that turns out even better.

 

The action, when you focus it, which is most of the time, is very interesting and I feel like I'm right there. The escape from the cave-in was interesting.

 

I agree that you could weave more of Atton's love feelings into the story to add to it--I think you'd only need a couple of thoughts here and there would really flesh it out, and I'd sure like to see what Serena's thinking when she suddenly realizes Atton's still got his arm around her waist.

 

All that being said, those are not big-deal problems, and I did enjoy the story overall, particularly some of your descriptions and a lot of the action.

[JediMaster12]

Yeah. I realize that this piece didn't come out the way I wanted it to. I wrote this under extreme tiredness because I was studying for a midterm that had me going nuts. Still I was in a semi humorous mood when I wrote this as I used the Mummy Returns and Congo as a basis for my piece. Still I appreciate the comments. This is one of those pieces like Jolee's Gizka that really had me down. Thank you.