[AU]Star Wars: Second Betrayal, First Betrayal

[HK-42]

This is a AU sequel to SW Last of the Jedi books. SInce so far there is no ending.

 

STAR WARS

Second Betrayal, First Betrayal

 

Obi-Wan Kenobi had been betrayed a long time ago by his former apprentice Anakin Skywalker. The betrayal had broken his heart more than he thought it could be broken. Now he realized it could be broken even more.

 

Kenobi stood in the mist of Ferus Olin, the ex-jedi he had left Tatooine to find on Bellassa. Together they had found a jedi on Ilum, Garen Muln. After the rescue Ferus and him had gone separate ways, Obi-Wan to watch over Luke and Ferus to rescue jedi. Now Kenobi regretted leaving Ferus.

 

“I am surprised you have turned,” Obi-Wan told him.

 

“I am not the only one here who betrayed you here,” Ferus replied.

 

“Anakin,” Obi-Wan breathed in shock.

 

“Vader,” Ferus corrected as his hand ignited his lightsaber.

 

Obi-Wan responded, activating his lightsaber. “One question, where are the other jedi?”

 

Ferus leapt, his lightsaber swinging at Obi-Wan’s waist. Obi-Wan moved his saber to his side, blocking the attack. Then, he reached out to the force pushing Ferus away.

 

Ferus landed about 4 feet in front of Obi-Wan, muttering the word “Dead” as he did. The color in Obi-Wan’s face drained, as he realized the word was the answer to his question. Obi-Wan twirled as Ferus lightsaber flew past his head. Or so he thought it did. A second later the saber was in his stomach. Obi-Wan grunted and fell seeing the lightsaber that had been thrown by his head. Vader’s lightsaber. So Ferus hadn’t lied when he said that Vader knew about him.

 

Ferus Olin looked at Vader with a grin on his face. They had succeeded.

 

“Thank you for your help Olin,” Vader told him.

 

“Anytime Vader, I-”

 

Vader cut Ferus off. “But I am afraid I don’t need you any more.”

 

Ferus reached for his lightsaber, but it was too late. Vader’s crimson blade plunged into Ferus’s chest. Ferus fell to the ground wishing Vader hadn’t persuaded him into betraying Obi-Wan. It was his last thought ever made. Vader had tried to make sure of that with success.

[Emperor Devon]

Okay idea, but the fic itself could've used a lot of improvement.

 

On a technical note your use of Ferus Olin was a bit odd. Although he did do a few favors for the Emperor, that by no means would make him enough of an Imperial to want to side with the Sith and attack his old friend Obi-Wan. Why was he on Vader's side in this fic? It may be an AU one but you need at least some explanation. That was completely out of character for him.

 

Talking a bit about Ferus' background or at least providing a link to an article about him would've helpful to any readers. A lot of people here probably have no idea who he is (and with reason - the books he appears in are total crap)

 

Having Vader suddenly decide to kill someone strong enough to allow them to defeat Obi-Wan seemed, well, pretty stupid of him to do. If you execute all the competent underlings you'll eventually none at all - and during that time period Dark Jedi were in high demand.

 

Everything else could have used a lot of polishing. The dialogue felt somewhat forced and out of character to me, the descriptions could've been done better, the grammar wasn't entirely proper, and pretty much aspect could've used improvement. My frank score: 3.75/10.

 

All those details could have been corrected if you used all the time available to you, however. You had 18 days left to work on this when you submitted it, and since members can't view any fics before the due date you wouldn't have been at any disadvantage by doing so.

[Jae Onasi]

The multiple betrayals are interesting. I kind of liked that little surprise at the end, even if the Empire doesn't sacrifice strong underlings on a regular basis. It did seem in Vader's character to rid himself of all potential threats, and if Ferus could defeat Obi-Wan, then he conceivably could become a threat to Vader, too.

 

I agree you could have done a lot more with this--more dialog, more descriptions of the lightsaber battles, more details on the setting and the characters. There is no prize for being the first to submit a fic, so take your time and make it your best.