[Fic] The Murderer, the Thief and the Boss.

[Daft Adidas]

The Murderer and the Thief. Enjoy!

 

 

Three friends.

 

Micheal, Joe and Barny.

 

Sound like a bunch don't they?

 

Well Micheal you can call him. A fair friend. He's great and knuckles down on his exams at school. It's hard at school learning what you want to be in the galaxy and all. Joe, he's the copycat. Though he seems like a good enough friend. Then there's Barny. He's a troublemaker. No big one thiugh causes mischief. This story shows what happened at the D.I.Y show. You bring on a invention and see if you get first prize. So far Micheal had won it the past two years. Followed by Barney, then Joe. They could get real competitive.

 

The atmosphere was great. Busy people everywhere off all different species showing of their inventions. Many noise whizzed by. Things, spinning, flying jumping and pinning.

 

This Year Micheal made a teen toy is what you could call it. It was ten feet wide and seven feet long!

 

It showed the battle which took places ten years ago involving the war between the Rebels and the Empire.

 

There was a circular ball in the middle. This was called the Death Star. Then he had used a fluid he made himself called Gogra which made things float in certain ways depending on the amohnt you pour into the object. Sounds odd don't it?

 

Little Tie Fighters flew around and around shooting down X wings while they did the same to to each other. Then afyer fifty seconds. There was a small explosion and the death star would blow. He rebooted it and the battle would start over again. Everyone is interested. He needed to go to the bathroom.

 

Barny and Joe were watching. They were amazed. Barny had built a hovering robot Wompa while Joe made a mini firing blaster.

 

You could call this a Science fair if you want. What do you want me to call it? Science fair? Ok.

 

So the Science fair was drawing to a close. Micheal but his name infront of his very large object and walked off.

 

He opened the door and then Joe and Barny came in.

 

"Nice er.. thing" said Barny.

 

"Thanks yours too guys" they said.

 

Micheal was a little down that no one seemed to pay any interest in his entry.

 

"Ok I'll stab him while you run off and change the name, I'll clear him up" whispered Barny.

 

Micheal was happy. Glad what good friends he had. He had knew them since nursery. He looked at both of them. They were hiding something. Barny brushed his long brown hair off while Joe itched his oval head.

 

He turned round and then Barny slung a knife into his back.

 

He turned round and shouted in pain.

 

"Betrayer, I knew you would do it in the end!"

 

Micheal had heard the two talking to some shady character down an alleyway who said steal a prize. The two were nto sure but he did not hear the rest of the conversation as he needed to rush home.

 

Those were his final thoughts and words.

 

 

Barny ran out of the bathroom finding the object gone. Joe had run away with it. How could he hold such a thing. So much was happening!

 

Then their "boss" turned up. He was paying them for this. He was actually a seventh year. Fat kid. Short hair.

 

He stopped Joe in his tracks. He pointed a blaster at him.

 

"Give it here, I'm winning this show" he said. Slowly Joe handed it over. The "boss" could hold it easy.

 

"Killing him was a bit harsh?" whispered Joe.

 

Barny could not find Joe now so he just ran back to his entry.

 

"Where's the money George" hissed Joe.

 

"Money?" he laughed. "Go back to your pointless blaster!" he chuckled. Joe was about to hit him but the headmaster came along and said...

 

"Nice entry" he said.

 

Then someone burst out the doors.

 

"Barny Jones killed Micheal Fowler!"

 

 

It won't win but it's for the fun of writing!

[Diego Varen]

Sorry, but I'm afraid that this is my least favourite Fic I have read so far for this theme. One thing I like better than your previous entry is that it seems more to do with Star Wars, since last time, other than the mention of Naboo, I would assume it to be a different story. Unfortunately for me, that is the only improvement.

 

First, the Thread title is The Murderer, the Thief and the Boss, but on your post, it says The Murderer and the Thief. Whether this is a mistake, I'm not sure. Micheal is spelt wrong and it should be spelt Michael. The names of the characters are a bit basic, but than I realised that it was three school kids on Earth, so ignore this last sentence.

 

One other thing I do like is that it is a different concept from the other Fics, so there, I congratulate you. Well done and I hope my comments weren't too harsh.

 

Personal Rating: 6/10

[Grey Master]

Did you take the idea from a TV show, theres one just like this Fic, but its about four brothers.

The FIC is ok, but its not like your other works.

[Emperor Devon]

Not to sound rude, Aida, but I felt this one could have used a lot of improvement.

 

The tense of the story is somewhat confusing. Sometimes you're speaking in the past tense, the present tense, sometimes you appear to be "talking" to the reader, (such as with "You could call this a Science fair") and sometimes you aren't. It leaves the fic with a disorganized and haphazard feel.

 

The characters were in need of improvement, too. They never felt alive to me - more description about their thoughts would have been nice, and their personalities too. With how you had one kid willing to murder another over a science project act exactly like any other one when he talked, I couldn't even guess what their characters were like. They just didn't feel alive.

 

A lot of the dialogue felt quite forced and rather awkward. One instance is the line "Betrayer, I knew you would do it in the end!" upon a character being stabbed in the back. That's not at all how anyone would've reacted - if I got knifed over something as minor as a school project, my first reaction would be to attack him with whatever was available while screaming various profanities. Just calling him a betrayer and laying over to die is not what most people would do.

 

I'd also have liked to see more of a connection to Star Wars. Other than that the science projects were Star Wars ones and that one of the kids had a blaster, this had no tie to that universe at all. Where are the lightsabers, the Twi'leks, the Sith Lords?

 

There are other details but I feel I've said enough as it is. My frank score: 3/10.

 

All these problems could have easily been corrected, however, if you simply used the extra time that was provided. You had 18 days left on the days you submitted this. That time is there for a reason - make use of it! You won't gain anything by submitting your fic on the 13th or on the 31st. Members won't be able to see it until then anyway, so you might as well make use of the extra time.

 

It won't win but it's for the fun of writing!

 

Pfffft. Half the fun is in knowing you did better than everyone else.

[Daft Adidas]

Oh well. I guess the only way is to listen and improve but guys when the next comp comes woohoo your in for a shock! Thanks everyone. Especially ED.

[Jae Onasi]

I'd like to see more relation to the Kotor/SW universe--right now this could be set on Earth in our time and just be a science project that involves SW--the link is skimpy at best, and I'd like to see your future fics actually set in the Kotor universe.

 

I would like to see how Barny decided as a high-schooler to kill another kid for a science competition--what kind of problems did he have that he felt he needed to do this?

Grammar and spelling--already discussed above. We all need work on that in our stories.

[Daft Adidas]

As much as I would love to write about Kotor this is embarrasing I've never played it! There's no chance for me. I'm sure my imagination would be ten times better if I had played the game. I know the characters but that't it. I'm not sure if it's enough to write a fic on it.