[Fic]Right time.... wrong place

[Daft Adidas]

It was another sunny day. The sky twinkled Sapphire Blue and it was like a sea in the sky. In the corner of his eye the sun could be seen pouring heat onto the Tourists. He sighed with happiness and his dog sat beside him her little tail black and white fuzzy tail wagging.

 

"Do you wan't to go for a wal-" he was cut of by an Emergency Call.

 

"Grab your Sabre and get to HQ ASAP,Tiso, Repeat ASAP!" shouted JERS captain Doog. JERS stood for Jedi Emergency Rescue Team. Sometimes Tiso wished he never joined. It could be fun. you'll make some friends and you get your own dog and Sabre but sometimes, things... just go wrong and always for him and he might get sacked.

 

"Come on girl!" Tiso beckoned happily and threw her a biscuit.

 

He climbed onto his speedy, red 500 well Speeder and his little dog Amber climbed on the back.

 

This planet was Naboo. He liked it alot. THere was alot of Polotics and Senate stuff going on which he was not interested in though. Things he was too young to understand. Afterall he is eighteen.

 

 

Ten Rescue Members lined up including Tiso with their dogs.

 

"Ok..... we've got a rather strange distress call coming from somewhere on Dagobah... remember the last time we went their, Tiso almost drowned in the boggy marshs... SO be careful.. I can't be with you by legs still playing up, now Tiso so you can hmm redeem yourself, YOUR IN CHARGE, NOW GET THE HELL OUR OF HERE!"

 

"YES SIR!" they all shouted boldy and they listened to the DC.

 

It sounded like hmm a man.. no a woman in a very high pitched voice. It sounded like a joke but It wasn't.

 

"I don't know where but I'm um on Dagobah in this murky cave and ah the place is flooding help! MAYDAY!"" Tiso almost laughed but held it.

 

"Is this some joke?" he braveky asked.

"Well I said it was strange now go!" Doog commanded and they fled. Grabbing their waterproof sabres and jumping into their Jedi Starfighters they headed off.....

 

 

The planet was misty..... it looked old, dead trees, sludge, bogs, marshes and it was silent.

 

"We all go by ourselves.... if you find the place, give your location and we'll come to help.. according to my calculations in twenty minutes that woman will be up to her neck in water,, ok go!" Tiso explained with some confidence.

 

He tried not to think about when it was his first day and he almost drowned here. The walking and searching was taking long and long and longer and then he found this creaking cave.

 

"I've found a cave, I'm going in team, keep looking but be alert for a call ok?"

 

It was pitch black. He turned the torch on. Amber waited at the entrance not daring to go in. There was a light at the end of the tunnel.

 

He stepped into the light and two people appeared. One was a woman who made the Distress call and the other was a hooded man and Tiso shivered at the sight of him.

 

"You fell for the bait, your friends will find the flooded cave but find nothing...... now my sith apprentices are of to kill Doog, he's de-fence-less" the hooded man laughed. Behind the two was like a cliff, a never ending one.... that fell to who know's where.

 

 

Tiso got a call.

 

"We've found the cave..... it seems we were too late...." one Joanna said sadly.

 

"Get to Area 5 and get to the Murkyish Cave at once!" he ordered.

 

"But-"

 

"NO QUESTIONS!" In a matter of minutes everyone was there even the dogs to including Amber.

 

"How silly, Nicky will just have to.... slip" he laughed and pushed her of the end. Tiso jumped of the cliff to and reached after her.

 

"Don't worry, I've got ya!" The nine other members were blown out of the cave by this hooded mans strange force. But he pulled out two red sabres when Amber bit his hands and he dropped them. Two other dogs threw them of the cliff and they massacured him to death.

 

 

Tiso grabbed the victim and grabbed onti a sharp edge. They were hanging. Two red sabres came swirling down and he caught them. Looked at them and used the force to cursh them.

 

He pulled out a rope from his kit and threw it up to the top. It took many hours but the two eventually reached the top..

 

"Is that dramactic enough Doog?" Tiso asked after telling the story. Doog managed to fight the Sith Apprentices of with the help from the "real" Jedi council. They were just amatures.

 

"I dunno, oh ok here's your cruddy badge, get out of my sight, your too good" he laughed handing it over..

[Jae Onasi]

Your physical description is getting better, and this entry was better than your previous ones. I liked how you made Tiso shiver a bit when he saw the hooded man for the first time.

 

I had a really tough time with dogs killing your darksider--here's this bad dude, able to do all sorts of Force things, and it's dogs that get him instead of Jedi. I'd also like to see some more evidence of Tiso's incompetence--what did he do that made him a failure?

There were some spelling and grammar errors as well--consider typing it in a word processing program on your computer, spell checking, and then copying the text into your post. It won't eliminate all the problems (our brains do a better job of that), but it'll catch the obvious ones. If you expanded the entire story you could have an interesting longer fic.

[Emperor Devon]

You are going into more depth over things than your previous fics, but IMO there's still a lot to improve.

 

The first thing which could use improvement is spelling/grammar. Yes, it's unrelated to the actual writing, but it makes a big difference. Whenever most people see errors, they're distracted and sometimes annoyed by them for a moment. Have dozens of them, and your fic loses a fair amount of attention from the reader. It's easily correctable, though - Word and OpenOffice (whichever you use) come with spell-checkers, or if you'd rather type it out on the internet Firefox comes with one.

 

I'd also like to see more depth to the characters and more descriptions. Having no idea as to what they were like combined with a great deal of exclamation points (too many make your fic look over-dramatic) made me picture them as having rather childlike and stick figure-esque personalities, which I'm sure wasn't your intent.

 

The exclamation points is another thing that could use changing. That, combined with your fairly frequent use of multiple periods, letters in caps and spelling/grammatical errors gave the fic a rather juvenile feel. Just changing those listed things would've given the fic a much better feel, and not have taken much effort.

 

Apart from what Jae's already said, one of the only other things I'd suggest is getting a beta reader - they're great at finding the errors authors can't, and can really be a big help. Most of the things I've had to criticize could've been fixed if there was someone to offer a second opinion.

 

THere was alot of Polotics and Senate stuff going on which he was not interested in though. Things he was too young to understand. Afterall he is eighteen.

 

Be very careful with lines like this. Politics may have meant the world to some of your readers when they were eighteen, (it did to me when I fifteen) and such a statement is very likely to distract them from your fic and make them think about how much they agree/disagree with you. It's kind of like using improper grammar in that respect - it detracts from the fic's appeal despite being entirely unrelated to the writing style or plot.

 

In short, never include issues people will have strong opinions on in your fic. No good will come of it.

[Bee Hoon]

The basic premise is interesting, but it really could use a lot of polishing. Try to avoid using capitals to indicate shouting, as well as too many "....". Small things like these tend to detract from the reader's experience. Try working through and seeing things from a reader's point of view... Ask yourself, "would I understand this if I was reading it for the first time?". Expanding on the story would be good as well. Do work on it and you'll have a great read to show for your effort:)

[Daft Adidas]

Just got back from a loooong break. Thanks for all the help guys. I think I missed a few competitions so I'll be back for action soon peeps!