[Fic] Lord Malak's Jaw-Dropping Day

[Tysyacha]

As the old cliche stated time and time again, even Sith Lords had "one of those days" occasionally. It all started, Lord Malak supposed, with his morning glance in the mirror on one dark day...

 

He noticed that the purplish sections of his pasty pate looked a little more purple than usal, with more than just a few extra wrinkles. Uggh. Varicose veins. I must send to Kamino for a new set of scalp vessels, or maybe I'll just decapitate a lazy servant and use his instead. By the Force, I'm getting old. Time to gargle. Lord Malak methodically filled a small cup with a rinse of sterile Jedi blood plasma and swished. Glurglurglurglurg...slursh! CLUNK!

 

Lord Malak sighed. His jaw had fallen off into the sink, along with the rinse.

 

"MMMGGGGGHHH!", he roared, calling for one of his more menial minions to assist him. With fast, panting breaths, an incompentent peon named (oddly) Llluuukkke rushed to the task. "Yes, Master?" he cried, saluting. "What is it?"

 

Lord Malak closed his eyes, shook his head slowly, and pointed to his jaw.

 

"Oh. Right." Without bothering to scrub and sterilize the parts, Llluuukkke (I did it!) hastily screwed Lord Malak's missing metallic mandible back on.

 

"You FOOL!" Malak boomed.

 

"GUGAGGGHHH!" Llluuukkke flailed his arms in the air and kicked his legs as he performed his morning calisthenics in the grip of a Force Crush. Remarkably effective in raising the heart rate, that method was. Better than any other.

 

"NEXT time, scour every inch of my galactinium jaw with extra bacta fluid antiseptic. Otherwise, YOUR scalp veins will become MY exclusive property."

 

Llluuukkke just nodded his head in a quick series of six knee-jerk reflexes and hurried off to prepare his Master's breakfast. Planet Puffs--Malak's favorite. They were the bite-sized pieces of his military victories, processed and fortified with enriched fluor and 12 essential vitamins and minerals. Ahh! Tasty as always. Malak relished every bite of his ashen-colored cereal. It was manufactured on the three giant food-processing planets that catered especially to small children in the galaxy--Glucose, Fructose, and Sucrose.

 

Today he'd add Taris to the box. He was running rather low on Planet Puffs.

 

"Minion, prepare the men for the annihilation of Tar--" skitter, skitter, skitter, slurrrsssshhhh! This time, not only had Malak's jaw dropped into his cereal bowl, but his precious Planet Puffs were spilling out all over the floor of the ship! Sith Lords HAD to have every part of a nutritious breakfast! Without another word, Lord Malak severed Llluuukkke's jaw and tried to mesh it onto his own face. There was too much slippage, though, and too small of a fit.

 

"Hmph." He motioned for a medical droid to reattach his old jaw--properly.

 

"Now," he said. "Fetch Saul Karath." The droid, after retrieving a smoking and odiferous part from its posterior compartments, beeped and rolled away.

 

"Yes, Lord Malak?" Finally, someone who made some sense. With a large jaw.

 

"Prepare all battleships for our annihilation of Taris."

 

Saul Karath looked doubtful. "But that will take hours, Lord Malak."

 

Lord Malak reached out a finger and tickled Saul's chin and lower jaw. "And I'll take YOURS if you don't see about obeying my orders, Lieutenant."

 

Saul saluted and finally understood why that one medical droid kept losing smoldering, smelly parts. He set about positioning the Sith fleet for battle.

When all stations were ready, Saul gave the signal.

 

Spots of light poured onto the Taris surface--red and green and yellow and--

 

"I WANTED the people of Taris to taste the sting of their DEATHS, Lieutenant Karath, not The Rainbow!" Malak snarled. "Those are SKITTLES, schutta!"

 

Saul Karath suddenly found himself in the grip of a Force Choke (on his own phlegm), and after recovering his composure, he flipped a large lever from the CANDY setting to CARNAGE. He hoped the Tarisians were enjoying their last meal (however full of artifical colors, flavors, and 1% fruit juice it was).

 

At last, all was ready, and Taris soon became a rather appetizing ball of ash.

 

Very soon, however, all seemed lost, for Calo Nord (who always looked like he put way too much zinc oxide on his nose and too much collagen in his lips), Lord Malak's best bounty hunter, brought a report: "The Jedi Bastila has escaped, sir."

 

*********************************************************

 

Sixteen bolts, sixteen nuts, myriads of screws, and a few levers. All polished, all primed, and all placed into precise piston pockets. All perfect.

 

And, for the third time, all unhinged.

[Emperor Devon]

Planet Puffs--Malak's favorite. They were the bite-sized pieces of his military victories, processed and fortified with enriched fluor and 12 essential vitamins and minerals.

 

I LOL'd at that part. (Well, actually more than just that part.)

 

Hilarious job as always, Tysy! I loved every bit of this. Planet Puffs, Force Crush calisthenics, The Rainbow... I cannot stop laughing.

 

Not much for me to criticize, since either the fic is funny or it isn't. The only technical detail I have to point out is that Saul Karath wouldn't have been referred to as a lieutenant, as he was an admiral.

 

Again, hilarious! My score: 9/10

[Jae Onasi]

Oh. My. Gawd.

 

I think I broke something laughing again.

 

Saul Karath suddenly found himself in the grip of a Force Choke (on his own phlegm), and after recovering his composure, he flipped a large lever from the CANDY setting to CARNAGE. He hoped the Tarisians were enjoying their last meal (however full of artifical colors, flavors, and 1% fruit juice it was).

 

I can just see Saul flipping the switch, too, and the Tarisians eating their 1% fruit juice candy....