[fic] Yuthura Ban Story

[Blackie]

Hi,

 

New to the forum, been writing a story about a popular NPC from KotOR, Yuthura Ban.

 

Just looking to get feedback from other writers and fans, am a member of theforce.net and another member recommended this forum as being busier and more likely to get feedback.

 

 

The story begins in the Tomb of Naga Sadow on Korriban, just after Revan has defeated Uthar Wynn and Yuthura Ban in lightsaber combat.

Enjoy.

 

 

 

1

 

 

Revan raised his Lightsaber and as he brought it down upon Yuthura Ban's humming red blade, proclaimed that the Sith were no good and were soon to be finished in the Galaxy. Disarmed, Yuthura fell to her knees begging Revan to end her shame, she had been beaten by the once famed Dark Lord.

 

“Kill me, kill me now! There is no way I can dare show my face in the Academy now!” She screamed. “No” Revan replied deactivating his light blue sword of light “There is still good in you Yuthura, I can feel it.”

 

“You..... You would spare my life?” Yuthura could not believe what was happening, the torches in the tomb of former Sith Lord Naga Sadow crackled above the silence that followed, and the steam coming up from the acid river that flowed through the tomb was visible with every crackle of torch light, “How? Why? I have already failed as a Jedi, and now I have failed as a Sith. What else is there for me do? Where else is there for me to go?”

 

“Dantooine” Revan answered, “To the Jedi enclave, speak with the Council, with Masters Vandar, Dorak, Vrook and Zhar. They can help you; they will always help if they can.”

 

“Nobody has ever showed me this compassion before; I always took it as a weakness.” Yuthura said with a faint smile on her face.

 

“Honour, courage and compassion are the only true free things in this galaxy” Revan said with a smile on his face “Now, are you injured?” He asked.

 

“My pride more than anything” Yuthura answered with the smile on her face broadening as she accepted some medpacks from Revan's open hand. “Unfortunately for me I already know that it is not our destiny to meet again any time soon. Trust me, it will be long time before our paths cross again, it would have been nice to have gotten to know you outside of battling.”

 

“It is a shame, because I'm sure that under those Sith tattoos, lies a very beautiful face. Now you must get out of here, do you have a ship?” Revan asked.

 

“With Master Uthar dead I'm the head of this academy now,” Yuthura replied “I will be able to 'borrow' one of the academy's ships.”

 

“Good, on your way out, walk with a limp and tell them that I killed Uthar and tried to kill you. But that you barely managed to escape, that should help me distract them for long enough for you to get out of here.”

 

“There you go again, you offer me help before I have even the slightest chance to ask for it.”

 

“That is the Jedi way.”

 

“Thank you,” Yuthura said as they approached the big stone door that was the entrance to the tomb “I will never forget your kindness, compassion, or thoughtfulness for those in need.”

 

“You are welcome,” Revan said as the gargantuan door opened and let what little light there was in the Valley of the Dark Lords come streaming through the hole in the Wall, the doorway to the tomb was surprisingly well lit considering there was no sun in the sky. The ancient Sith writings lining the walls of the tomb were extremely well pronounced in just this little light. “Remember what I said.”

 

“I will,” Yuthura said as she walked away “And thank you once again stranger.”

 

Yuthura headed back towards the academy, and just had Revan had told her to do began to limp as she approached. The three students that were stood by the door to the academy went over to her as she hobbled toward them. “I have been brutally attacked, the student with whom Master Uthar and myself entered the Tomb of Naga Sadow, as we were presenting him with the Ceremonial Lightsaber he suddenly activated it and hacked at Master Uthar, he then turned on me. I am lucky to be alive.”

 

How comfortable it feels she thought, to be the coward, the one who wants the glory, thank the stars this is the last time I have to act like this, I feel ashamed that my life has been this way for so long.

“Leave him to us Master Yuthura” The 3 students nodded in agreement at the statement by one of them. “Rest assured he will not get past us!”

At that Yuthura hobbled inside the great stone doorway as the three apprentices ignited their bright red sabers.

 

Yuthura pretended to struggle through the Lightsaber training room on her way to her chamber. “Quickly, guard the door!” She yelled “The stranger has slaughtered Master Uthar and he's on his way here now!” The Sith all dropped what they were doing and prepared themselves in their fighting stances.

 

Yuthura made it through the entire academy to her quarters where she let out a huge sigh of relief; she had made it half way to her target. It would not be long before she could leave the stench of Korriban behind. It was then that the familiar hum of clashing Lightsabers cam to her ears.

 

Oh no, he must not find me still here.

 

She packed what little she could in the little time that she had and made for the door, just as she stepped foot outside her quarters she turned, unbuckled the Lightsaber from her belt and threw it onto her bed. A chapter of my life I do not wish to remember she thought as she found herself smiling again.

 

She entered the main hall of the academy to hear the Lightsaber crashes coming ever closer, Sith students ran across the hall igniting their sabers as they went, all too caught up in the heat of the battle to be worried about Yuthura walking out of the Sith academy forever. Forever, she thought such a long period of time.

 

Yuthura walked across Dreshdae, unwavering now, she wanted to escape the Sith way of life, the Mysterious Stranger had had a profound effect on the young Sith female, it was almost as if he embodied the Light that she had tried so hard to eradicate from every sense of her being.

 

She made it to the cantina entrance to find the whole settlement was abuzz with life; News of the battle inside the academy had reached Dreshdae already? She hurried past the cantina and past the, now overflowing entrance to the Czerka Store and onward towards the landing pad. The Ebon Hawk stared at her in all it's glory; she knew this was his ship. The aura around it was incredible; it was like him, a personification of the Light. The very essence of perfection. It seemed to her that everything he touched could literally become the Light itself. Amazing, she thought.

 

She approached the guard at docking bay and showed him her I.D card.

 

“Going somewhere, Master Yuthura?” He asked inquisitively.

 

“Y...Y...Yes....”She stuttered, “On an urgent mission for Master Uthar.” Shall I use the Force to aid me? That is not the Way of the Jedi. She thought.

 

“Sure thing,” He said back, “We'll see you soon.”

 

“Thank you,” Yuthura replied nervously, “But I don't think I will be coming back. It....is a very....dangerous mission.”

 

She clambered into the cockpit of the one man vessel and began her pre-flight checks, all the time thinking about how that Mysterious Stranger had beaten every test that was put in front of him, the Sword Of Ajunta Pall, the Defective Robot, Lashowe with her holocron and the Tuk'Ata, He also fought the former master of the academy, Jorak Uln, and acquired the crazed hermit's researches into Tulak Hord's teachings, He had beaten Master Uthar and even Yuthura herself, and yet he still had the total essence of Light all around him. Amazing. The engines of her tiny vessel roared as she lifted of the ground and pointed her nose toward space, she glanced down to see two Lightsabers shining by the Ebon Hawk, one a bright shade of burnt orange, the other a blue colour much like the sea of Sleheyron.

Sleheyron, she wondered, all she could remember was the blue of that ocean. After all she had endured at the hands of that pond scum Omeesh the Hutt, even the bright blue of the sea would be nice right about now.

 

She stayed just long enough to witness the Stranger's sabers go out and his figure disappear into the ship, and then shot towards the stars, now clearly visible in the upper atmosphere of the poison rock that is Korriban. She was glad to leave to Valley of the Dark Lords behind after all this time.

 

 

 

What do you think, please let me know because i'm only going to get better with your help. I have another 16 or 17 chapters written and ready to post.

[Blackie]

Ok chapter 2, enjoy your read.

 

 

 

2

 

 

As Yuthura circled over Dantooine, she noticed the Jedi enclave; it was amazing to see just how big it was from the sky, she also saw two estates in close vicinity to the enclave. Amongst the lush green of the plains she could just make out the Kath Hounds running around, she also noted that there very two very visible dark patches amongst the harmony. The Dark Side exists even here? She pondered as she lowered the nose of her ship and headed for an open space amongst the plains, away from the Kath Hounds.

 

Yuthura leapt from her craft and put the hood on her jet black robe over her head, trying to cover her Sith tattoos as much as possible; she then buckled a blaster to her belt. With all the Kath Hounds around there would still be a need to protect oneself.

 

She made her way toward where she thought the enclave would be; she couldn’t help but wonder at the beauty of this place. She had never really noticed it when she was a student of the Light here, but it had a simplistic feel. The rolling hills, the twitter of the birds in the trees and the Iriaz gliding through the air like a fish through water.

 

And then Yuthura stumbled across it, one of the dark patches she had seen from the sky. It was a cave, a deep hole cut into the rock face. This seemed, from the outside at least, to go down for miles. I can feel the Dark Side, it is immense. It’s temptation is strong even on a planet that contains such a powerful presence of the Light.

 

She dared to venture into the cave and as she stumbled further into the darkness she could feel an aura, the same aura she had felt in the Tomb of Naga Sadow. The Mysterious Stranger had been here.

 

She had gone about as far as she felt she could go without being drawn back down an all too familiar path when she was suddenly overcome by the stench of rotting flesh all around her, egg shapes lined the walls of the cave which was opening up into a small cavern. Yuthura kicked a rusted vibroblade from the hand of what looked like a dead Twi’Lek male and as she reached down to pick it up, the attack happened.

 

Two, then three, then four Kinrath all attacked Yuthura, she began to swing the vibroblade but they were too quick for her, if only she had kept her Lightsaber.

 

Yuthura was in two minds over what to do. Should she call on the immense power of the Dark side that was already more than present in the cave? Or should she use all her powers to allow these creatures to live? She had, after all, entered their territory. Live and let live, or so the Jedi would say.

 

“I don’t want to hurt you.” Yuthura tried to communicate through the force “I am sorry if I have encroached on your domain. I will leave if you give me a chance.”

 

As the Kinrath were about to strike Yuthura down there came a high pitched shriek from somewhere along the cave, the four Kinrath about to make their kill cowered upon hearing this call. Yuthura simply fell to her knees clutching her head.

 

The Queen Kinrath stood at the top of the mound surrounded by crystal formations upon her 4 hind legs leaving her two front legs and the arm that protruded from her hard abdomen to do the feeling.

 

She walked to wards Yuthura, who by now was writhing in agony.

 

“I meant you no harm” Yuthura was using all the Force she could muster to try and purvey this message to the Queen “I will leave you in peace, please.”

 

The Queen gave one final high pitched scream, the Kinrath all around Yuthura backed off just enough to allow her safe passage. Yuthura could feel all eyes on her as she made her way gingerly towards the exit of the cave.

As she felt the cool breeze of the plains and the warmth of the sun on her Lekku, Yuthura breathed a sigh of relief.

 

“Hey!” A voice came from directly in the sunlight, as Yuthura’s eyes adjusted to the intensity of the light, she noticed a male form standing at the top of the hill pointing a blaster at her.

 

“My name is Yuthura Ban; I used to be a student at the Jedi enclave.”

 

“I don't care who you are or what you are doing here; you are trespassing on my lands.” The man said still waving the pistol at Yuthura.

 

“Father!” A female's voice could be heard from behind the man. “What are you doing? You can't just go around waving your blaster at people! Hello, my name is Rahasia, Rahasia Sandral. This is my father Nurik.”

 

“I am Yuthura. I was just exploring the cave when I was attacked by the creatures that dwell there.” Yuthura explained.

 

“Kinrath,” Nurik said with a nod “Nasty, vicious creatures.”

 

“I was able to calm them using the Force.”

 

“You're a Jedi?” Rahasia asked inquisitively.

 

“I was, but I strayed from the path a long time ago. I've been gone nearly six years.” Yuthura answered.

 

“So are you going to the enclave? That's where Shen and I are staying until our fathers have built us a home. Shen Matale is the love of my life. Our fathers used to hate each other. That was until a Mysterious Stranger came along with a droid and another Jedi.”

 

“A Mysterious Stranger?” Yuthura asked “Did he appear extremely strong in the force? Because I met a man like that yesterday on Korriban.”

 

“What were you doing on Korriban? Isn't that a Sith stronghold?” Nurik asked with some malice in his voice.

 

“I used to be Sith,” Yuthura explained and before she had finished her sentence Nurik had his blaster pointing straight at her head again.

 

“Sith!” I knew I should have shot you on sight “We should take her to the enclave and let the Jedi deal with their own.”

 

Someone who put the Jedi in the same pen as the Sith. Yuthura was not happy though, about the fact that the Jedi AND the Sith being treated as though they were equally to blame for a war that had raged for two and a half years.

 

“I used to be Sith; I have learned the value of life from the very same person that taught Mr Matale and yourself to get along for your children's sake.” Yuthura pleaded.

 

“She's right father,” Rahasia said “But then again we must take you to the enclave. The Jedi will know what to do.” Rahasia ushered Yuthura towards the house across the plain that her father now shared with his droids. “We have a speeder we can use to get to the enclave faster.”

 

“Thank you for your hospitality” Yuthura said. She was not expecting anything but the Mysterious Stranger had obviously had an effect on this woman, in much the same way as on herself.

 

The Jedi enclave on Dantooine, founded by Jedi Master Vodo-Siosk Bass, was majestic in it’s very nature, and yet the Jedi had managed to keep it’s simplicity apparent. Every curve of the rock used in it’s construction had been loved by it’s creator, every corridor lined with the natural minerals and materials found here on Dantooine. It’s main entrance encased with the biggest flagstones to be found on Dantooine.

 

The enclave here on Dantooine was responsible for the supervision of other academy councils around the galaxy, including the one that had been on Taris, destroyed when Darth Malak had relentlessly bombarded the planet from space during his search for Bastila Shan.

As the trio approached the Jedi enclave, butterflies began to form in Yuthura's stomach.

 

“It's been so long since I've been here,” Yuthura said as the walked up the winding path towards the big stone door “Do you think anyone will remember me?”

 

“Yuthura!” She heard a cry come from across the massive stone courtyard. There grew a big tree that seemed to be reminiscent of something you would find on Naboo during a warm, spring hike. Yuthura took a deep breath and let the woman hug her “I can't believe it's really you.”

 

“Hello Belaya,” Yuthura couldn't believe it. Someone whom she knew and recognised, and more importantly who recognised her after 2and a half years. “I need to speak to the council.”

 

“Sure, but first come with me I have so many things I want to tell you.”

 

“If only I had time Belaya, but you must arrange a meeting with the council immediately please.” Yuthura was feeling slightly claustrophobic amongst all the other padawans that were milling around in the courtyard.

 

“But I made it to the rank of Jedi Knight shortly after you left.”

 

“Wow, well done, congratulations.”

 

“You don't seem too happy for me.” Belaya's face dropped as it was apparent from the look on Yuthura's face that she had something on her mind.

 

“No, I am, Belaya, honestly. It's just that I have come to beg forgiveness for taking a wrong turn on the path.” Yuthura said.

 

“I'm sure they will let you back in the order. They are obligated to show compassion. They are the Jedi!” Belaya said with a strong sense of belief “Now, come with me I'll take you to my quarters and then go and let the council know you wish to see them.” With that the pair walked down a long corridor clad with plasteel. Belaya's quarters were simple; a Jedi Knight needs no luxuries then? Yuthura thought to herself as Belaya left the room and headed for the Council Chamber.

 

About ten minutes later Belaya's door slid open and a little grey-green alien stood before Yuthura.

 

“Greetings Yuthura” He said taking a step forward into the stream of sunlight coming in through Belaya's window "It is nice to see you again."

 

"Master Vandar!" Yuthura went to bend down to hug Vandar. Vandar Tokare, Head of the Jedi Council here on Dantooine. He was the wisest Jedi on Dantooine; he stood no more than 2' 6" tall, and wore the blue robes of a Jedi Master.

 

"Control yourself Padawan," Vandar spoke with a slightly elevated pitch to his voice compared to other Jedi.

 

"Yes Master, Sorry Master" Yuthura regained her composure then mulled over the words Master Vandar had just spoken. Padawan? Did Master Vandar, an esteemed Jedi Master, consider me a Padawan still? Even though I left the order? There is hope indeed if Master Vandar could still have faith in me.

 

"I accept your apology, shall we go?

 

"Yes Master" An eerie silence followed as Yuthura was led by master Vandar down the hall and by across the courtyard to the Council Chamber.

 

The Jedi Council Chamber was a massive dome shaped room lined with trees growing in the natural beds of grass that had somehow been incorporated into the room's design. At one end sat 4 seats, unlike the Jedi High council on Coruscant, which had 12 members, smaller councils such as this one and the one on Katarr only had 4 members. The Council was used to deliberate, adjudicate and sometimes even mediate minor disputes on or around Dantooine.

 

The four members of this Council were: Master Zhar Lestin, the Twi'Lek who was tasked helping younglings with their initial manipulations of the Force. He trained Revan and Malak for a time, and considered Revan his most promising pupil - certain he would one day be a great champion of the Jedi order. Master Dorak, he was the chronicler of the enclave, it was his job to keep an account of all the comings and goings of the students that that had studied at the enclave. He helped to train the young Padawan Revan before his embrace of the Dark Side. Master Vrook Lamar, the most sceptical and cynical of the masters, he had high expectations for all of his students, and he considered EVERY Jedi at the academy on Dantooine to be one of his students. He also had a healthy dislike for any subject that touched upon the Dark Side of the Force. If Yuthura was to be accepted back into the Order, he was the Master she must impress the most. Then there was Master Vandar Tokare, the grey-green short alien that had collected Yuthura from Belaya’s quarters. He was the wisest of the Council, and along with Master Vrook, served on the Jedi High Council on Coruscant. He also taught the younglings and Padawans of the Seven Forms of Lightsaber Combat.

 

“Ah how the forgotten return, tail between their legs!” Master Vrook appeared to be taunting Yuthura as he scolded her. Master Vandar and Yuthura walked towards the centre of the chamber.

 

“I have come to beg for the Council’s forgiveness” Yuthura said with a shaky voice. “And with the Council’s permission” she was shaking all over now. “Restart my training.”

 

“Just who do you think you are?” Master Vrook took the lead in the scolding of the scared Twi’Lek. “To come back in here after nearly 2 and a half years of thinking you know better than the Council.”

 

“Vrook? Are your emotions getting the better of you?” Master Dorak spoke with a tone of sarcasm in his voice. “Is your pride hurt?”

 

“I am a Jedi, There is No Emotion….”

 

“There Is Peace.” Yuthura said.

 

“Do not recite a code that died to you when you joined the Sith.” Vrook was visibly getting angrier and angrier all the while Yuthura stood before him.

 

“I think a recess is in order” Master Vandar said “To calm some frayed nerves.”

 

“No recess is necessary” Vrook stated with a conclusion that was obvious to Yuthura as soon as he started to utter the words. “She will NEVER be allowed to retrain as a Jedi.”

 

Yuthura’s face dropped as she realised the inevitable: She had left the Order of her own accord and they were not going to forgive her arrogance.

 

“But….” Yuthura started.

 

“No buts,” Vandar said “A vote will decide your future among the Jedi. Master Vrook has made his feelings quite clear.”

 

Yuthura then faced each Jedi master in turn to find out their response to her asking to be allowed back into the order.

 

“No,” As Yuthura faced Master Zhar she heard the words she didn’t want to hear “Regretfully, you made your feelings quite clear nearly 2 and a half years ago. And even though it was a long time ago, we cannot let you back.”

 

“I am afraid I must agree with Master Zhar, Yuthura.” Master Dorak explained his decision “Having reviewed the Jedi archives I am unaware of any student having left the Order to join our mortal enemy, and then rejoined at a later date.”

 

“Then it is decided.” Master Vandar said “I’m afraid for your sake and the rest of the Jedi here on Dantooine, you must leave immediately.”

 

“If that is your wish Masters.” Yuthura was visibly shaken by the events of the last ten minutes and as she was turning to leave the Council Chamber she turned, made a bow towards the Council members and walked through the exit archway, with a tear rolling down her cheek.

 

 

 

I'll pause to let people read through a couple of times and leave me feedback

[Inyri]

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Revan raised his lightsaber and as he brought it down upon Yuthura Ban's humming red blade, proclaiming that the Sith were no good and were soon to be finished in the Galaxy. Disarmed, Yuthura fell to her knees and begged Revan to end her shame. She had been beaten by the once famed Dark Lord.

“Kill me, kill me now! There is no way I can dare show my face in the Academy now!” She screamed. “No” Revan replied deactivating his light blue sword of light, “there is still good in you Yuthura. I can feel it.”

“You..... You would spare my life?” Yuthura could not believe what was happening. The torches in the tomb of former Sith Lord Naga Sadow crackled above the silence that followed and the steam coming up from the acid river that flowed through the tomb was visible with every crackle of torch light. “How? Why? I have already failed as a Jedi, and now I have failed as a Sith. What else is there for me do? Where else is there for me to go?”

“Dantooine” Revan answered, “to the Jedi enclave. Speak with the Council, with Masters Vandar, Dorak, Vrook and Zhar. They can help you; they will always help if they can.”

“Nobody has ever showed me this compassion before; I always took it as a weakness.” Yuthura said with a faint smile on her face.

“Honour, courage and compassion are the only true free things in this galaxy,” Revan said with a smile on his face. “Now, are you injured?” he asked.

“My pride more than anything,” Yuthura answered, the smile on her face broadening as she accepted some medpacks from Revan's open hand. “Unfortunately for me I already know that it is not our destiny to meet again any time soon. Trust me, it will be long time before our paths cross again. It would have been nice to have gotten to know you outside of battling.”

“It is a shame, because I'm sure that under those Sith tattoos lies a very beautiful face. Now you must get out of here. Do you have a ship?” Revan asked.

“With Master Uthar dead I'm the head of this academy now,” Yuthura replied. “I will be able to 'borrow' one of the academy's ships.”

“Good. On your way out walk with a limp and tell them that I killed Uthar and tried to kill you but that you barely managed to escape. That should help me distract them long enough for you to get out of here.”

“There you go again. You offer me help before I have even the slightest chance to ask for it.”

“That is the Jedi way.”

“Thank you,” Yuthura said as they approached the big stone door that was the entrance to the tomb. “I will never forget your kindness, compassion, or thoughtfulness for those in need.”

“You are welcome,” Revan said as the gargantuan door opened and let what little light there was in the Valley of the Dark Lords came streaming through the hole in the wall. The doorway to the tomb was surprisingly well lit considering there was no sun in the sky. The ancient Sith writings lining the walls of the tomb were extremely well pronounced in just this little light. “Remember what I said.”

“I will,” Yuthura said as she walked away, “and thank you once again stranger.”

Yuthura headed back towards the academy, and just had Revan had told her to do began to limp as she approached. The three students that stood by the door to the academy went over to her as she hobbled toward them. “I have been brutally attacked. The student with whom Master Uthar and myself entered the Tomb of Naga Sadow, as we were presenting him with the Ceremonial Lightsaber, suddenly activated it and hacked at Master Uthar. He then turned on me. I am lucky to be alive.”

How comfortable it feels, she thought, to be the coward, the one who wants the glory. Thank the stars this is the last time I have to act like this. I feel ashamed that my life has been this way for so long.
“Leave him to us Master Yuthura.” The three students nodded in agreement. “Rest assured he will not get past us!”
At that Yuthura hobbled inside the great stone doorway as the three apprentices ignited their bright red sabers.

Yuthura pretended to struggle through the lightsaber training room on her way to her chamber. “Quickly, guard the door!” She yelled. “The stranger has slaughtered Master Uthar and he's on his way here now!” The Sith all dropped what they were doing and prepared themselves in their fighting stances.

Yuthura made it through the entire academy to her quarters where she let out a huge sigh of relief; she had made it half way to her target. It would not be long before she could leave the stench of Korriban behind. It was then that the familiar hum of clashing lightsabers cam to her ears.

Oh no, he must not find me still here.

She packed what little she could in the little time that she had and made for the door. Just as she stepped foot outside her quarters she turned, unbuckled the lightsaber from her belt and threw it onto her bed. A chapter of my life I do not wish to remember, she thought as she found herself smiling again.

She entered the main hall of the academy to hear the lightsaber crashes coming ever closer. Sith students ran across the hall igniting their sabers as they went, all too caught up in the heat of the battle to be worried about Yuthura walking out of the Sith academy forever. Forever, she thought such a long period of time.

Yuthura walked across Dreshdae, unwavering now. She wanted to escape the Sith way of life. The Mysterious Stranger had had a profound effect on the young Sith female. It was almost as if he embodied the Light that she had tried so hard to eradicate from every sense of her being.

She made it to the cantina entrance to find the whole settlement was abuzz with life. News of the battle inside the academy had reached Dreshdae already? She hurried past the cantina and past the now overflowing entrance to the Czerka store and onward towards the landing pad. The Ebon Hawk stared at her in all it's glory; she knew this was his ship. The aura around it was incredible; it was like him, a personification of the Light. The very essence of perfection. It seemed to her that everything he touched could literally become the Light itself. Amazing, she thought.

She approached the guard at docking bay and showed him her I.D card.

“Going somewhere, Master Yuthura?” He asked inquisitively.

“Y...Y...Yes....” She stuttered, “on an urgent mission for Master Uthar.” Shall I use the Force to aid me? That is not the Way of the Jedi, she thought.

“Sure thing,” He said back. “We'll see you soon.”

“Thank you,” Yuthura replied nervously, “but I don't think I will be coming back. It....is a very....dangerous mission.”

She clambered into the cockpit of the one man vessel and began her pre-flight checks, all the time thinking about how that Mysterious Stranger had beaten every test that was put in front of him: the Sword Of Ajunta Pall, the defective robot[/color[, Lashowe with her holocron and the tuk'ata.. He also fought the former master of the academy, Jorak Uln, and acquired the crazed hermit's researches into Tulak Hord's teachings. He had beaten Master Uthar and even Yuthura herself, and yet he still had the total essence of Light all around him. Amazing. The engines of her tiny vessel roared as she lifted off the ground and pointed her nose toward space. She glanced down to see two lightsabers shining by the Ebon Hawk, one a bright shade of burnt orange, the other a blue colour much like the sea of Sleheyron.
Sleheyron, she wondered. All she could remember was the blue of that ocean. After all she had endured at the hands of that pond scum Omeesh the Hutt, even the bright blue of the sea would be nice right about now.

She stayed just long enough to witness the Stranger's sabers go out and his figure disappear into the ship, and then shot towards the stars, now clearly visible in the upper atmosphere of the poison rock that was Korriban. She was glad to leave to Valley of the Dark Lords behind after all this time.

Okay, if you open the spoiler there I made a lot of grammatical corrections to your story. I noticed the following tendencies you have: you have a lot of comma splices (which isn't uncommon and is easily fixed), when you do use semi-colons you seem to use them correctly but somewhat obsessively and not in the best locations, you like to capitalize Lightsaber (it's not a proper noun -- no need for capitalization), and you don't use punctuation between split dialogues (should be "Blah," he said, "and blah blah blah." not "Blah" he said "and blah blah blah.")

Basically brush up on your grammar and punctuation and your writing will be a lot easier to read and understand. Your actual writing style is good and I enjoyed it a lot. I don't picture Yuthura getting quite so goody-two-shoes quite that quickly/easily, but it's certainly a perspective that is worth investigating and it's well written.

What I would do, though, is go over some of it and see where you can make (grammatically correct) compound sentences. One of my biggest problems in writing is that I have a tendency to string together a lot of short choppy sentences which tends to give the writing a bit of rhythm (which can be good if you're writing poetry, but usually is bad with regular writing as it can distract and bore the reader). Vary your sentence length and vocabulary a bit and you'll be good to go.

Edit: I found this link (clickie) that I think might help you fix your comma splice issue. Have a look and see if you can apply it to the second chapter you posted while I was fixing up your first chapter. The trick is knowing the difference between a dependent clause and an independent clause and knowing how to grammatically combine them.

[Darth_Yuthura]

Glad to see this story in Lucasforums. Hope you continue writing... feedbacks should be more regular than boards.theforce.

 

I liked the story, but I think the first chapter was a bit lacking in emotion. If Yuthura were at someone's mercy, I would not imagine her to laugh at the situation. If you go back and make corrections, I hope to see more emotion into dramatic scenes.

 

Look forward to where this story goes.

[Rev7]

Yes, I too think that so far your story has lacked a emotion. Things also seemed to go a little bit fast, in my opinion. I really like your description though. When you said that Yuthura put her dark cloak over her head, I could see her walking through the grasslands of Dantooine. Simply, I like your use of description. I look forward to seeing some more chapters. Oh, and welcome to LucasFourms!

[Astor]

I think it's a really good start, I especially liked part 2, and I look forward to seeing where it goes next.

 

If Yuthura were at someone's mercy, I would not imagine her to laugh at the situation.

 

Now, let me be clear that i'm not bashing you, DY, but remember that your interpretation of Yuthura's character is going to be different to another person's interpretation.

 

It doesn't make either interpretation any less valid, though, but I for one enjoy looking at characters in different perspectives.

[Blackie]

Thanks for the feedback so far, it's been great.

 

Sorry about my lack of grammar - i really don't care as long as the story is good.

 

 

Chapter 3 goes a little somethig like this.

 

 

 

3

 

 

 

As Yuthura approached her ship, the tears had started to roll down her cheeks. The Mysterious Stranger was wrong? How can that be? He seemed so....perfect she thought as she clambered into her cockpit. Yuthura was completing her pre-flight checks and wiping the tears away from her eyes when a voice came over her radio.

 

"Aye, Admiral Karath," The voice was clear and precise Military! Yuthura thought as the voice spoke again "Standard orbit around Dantooine."

 

What is the Sith fleet doing here? Yuthura thought as she took a moment to calm herself before lifting off the ground. As she made her way towards the stars, Yuthura noticed the entire Sith Fleet above Dantooine.

Then the unimaginable happened, the Fleet opened fire on the defenceless planet.

 

It serves them right a part of Yuthura thought to herself They wouldn't give me a second chance after leaving the enemy that is now going to destroy them! Then the true Jedi in her spoke But you are better than that Yuthura Ban, get down there and help the people that you wanted to rejoin in the battle against the Sith.

 

Yuthura turned her ship round and headed straight for the Jedi Enclave, shots were raining down on the planet by now, the Sith didn't need to see who or what they were destroying, they could just do it from space Cowards! Yuthura thought as he landed her ship amongst the falling debris of the enclave's landing pad.

 

Bodies of Jedi were strewn across the Enclave landing pad. A green Twi'Lek laid on the ground with his arm stretched out to Yuthura, rubble was laid over his legs and as opened his mouth, Yuthura could tell he was very close to death.

 

"Help....me.....please." He said as his life ebbed away.

 

"I am afraid there is nothing more I can do, but make you comfortable." Yuthura spoke with a sombre voice, almost as if she had lost a family member. The Twi'Lek's arm fell to the ground and she wiped away a tear.

 

Yuthura continued down a long corridor dodging pieces of falling enclave and all the time reaching out with the Force looking for survivors. As she turned a bend a great chunk of wall broke away from the crumbling wall around her, she somehow managed to use the Force to give herself just that extra bit of time necessary to avoid the falling debris. Yuthura was gathering speed whilst heading straight for the Council Chamber. She found Belaya lying unconscious on the edge of the main corridor leading up to the Chamber, just like the Twi'Lek at the landing pad, buried up to the waist in rubble.

 

"Belaya!" Yuthura shouted as she approached her friend. Yuthura composed herself long enough to reach deep down inside herself and lift the rubble off of Belaya's legs using the Force and her friend opened her eyes.

 

"Yuthura," Belaya was obviously in agony as Yuthura looked down on her "What....what happened?"

 

"Your legs Belaya," Yuthura said, "Were trapped under the rubble. I did everything I could to free you."

 

"Yes, I noticed" A voice came from the door to the Council Chamber "Well done."

 

"Master Vrook!" Yuthura turned to see the stern faced Master leaning against the door frame, blood pouring down his face from a large cut on his forehead, his left arm hanging lifeless at his side.

 

"I didn't think you had it in you. I'm glad you proved me wrong, if and when we get through this, your rank of Padawan will be restored on my recommendation."

 

"Thank you, Master" Yuthura said now we have to save Belaya and anyone else we can find. What about the rest of the Council? Master Vandar? Zhar? What about Dorak?"

 

"They were not in the Chamber when the Sith started firing." Vrook If I hadn't been preparing to leave and return to my meditation I would have been crushed by the roof.”

 

“Where are they now?” Yuthura asked. “We must rescue them as soon as possible.”

 

“I will get Belaya to the landing pad; we can leave in one of the enclave’s ships” Vrook said as he reached down to pick up Belaya, “when you have the other Masters head toward the North end of the enclave and we will pick you up. May the Force be with you, Padawan.”

 

“And you, Master.” Yuthura couldn’t believe that master Vrook Lamar was calling her Padawan. Is it real? Can it be true? Who will be my new Master? She wondered as the building fell down around her Snap out of it Yuthura! Vrook finally believes in you! You cannot fail now!

 

As Yuthura moved through the dust filled corridors she reached out with the Force in a way in which she had never done. The Force was now her ally, working with her, not for her. She could sense every stone that was about to fall, every speck of dust that was going to fall. And it felt great.

 

Yuthura made it along the narrow, dusty, stone-filled corridor towards Master Dorak’s quarters. She rapped the door as hard as she could and a faint sound came from inside “Who….who is there?”

 

“Master Dorak?” Yuthura shouted as she rapped the door harder “It’s Yuthura Ban. Are you in there?”

 

“Yes…..but I’m struggling to hold my ceiling up and talk to you.” Dorak said sarcastically “Is there any way you can force the door open?”

 

“I’ll try,” Yuthura said as she once again called deep within herself and this time using the Force to help instead of telling it, a crack appeared between Master Dorak’s sliding doors.

 

“Yuthura, am I glad that you’ve come back.”

 

“So were Belaya and Master Vrook.” Yuthura explained as she tried to force her way into the gap had formed between Dorak’s two doors. “I returned as soon as I saw the Sith ships in orbit.”

 

“I need your help, Yuthura.” Master Dorak said as his right knee buckled under the strain of the rubble above his head.

 

“I can’t get in yet,” Yuthura said as she fiddled with the electrics to the side of Dorak’s door. “Hold on…. I think I got it……”

CLUNK, the doors opened another six inches, just enough for Yuthura to squeeze through. “Hold on Master.” She said as she made her way through the fallen rubble.

 

“Hurry…..” Master Dorak’s left knee gave way just as Yuthura got to him.

 

“Don’t give up now.” Yuthura said as she reached into the very depths of herself and, using all the Force she could muster, took control of the rubble floating over Master Dorak’s head. “Can you get out now, this is heavy…..”

 

“Yes,” Dorak said as he rose to his feet and clambered to safety. “Thank you Yuthura.”

 

“Don’t mention it.” Yuthura said as she let the rubble hit the floor with a crash. “What were you doing in here? The Sith Fleet is in orbit, bombarding the planet.”

 

“I was meditating on the future…….your future.”

 

“We can talk about that later, Master Vrook said we need to find the other Masters.” Yuthura explained as she handed some med-packs to Dorak.

 

“What is the plan then?” Dorak said as he healed himself with the med-packs “Where are Vandar and Zhar?”

 

“I don’t know,” Yuthura said as the pair made their way to the door of Dorak’s quarters. “All I know is we have to find them quickly.”

 

“I would agree there the building is falling down around us, after all. I notice

you don’t carry a Lightsaber, may I ask why?”

 

“I left my Lightsaber behind on Korriban. It is from a Dark part of my life that I do not wish to remember.”

 

“Before we leave my quarters, look in that chest, over there.” Master Dorak said pointing to a great chest over by the only wall that was still in one piece in the whole room. “You may have to dig around a little.”

 

As Yuthura went deeper and deeper into the chest, she brushed her hand upon something cold and cylindrical in shape. It felt very familiar to her touch, even though she could not see it; she recognised it instantly, as soon as she put her hand round it. “My Lightsaber….. You kept it!”

 

“I did,” Dorak explained, along with the Robes that are also in that chest. “I will step outside while you change.”

 

“Thank you Master.” Yuthura could not believe that even after six years both her old robes and her Lightsaber were still here, on Dantooine. As she frantically changed into her deep crimson Jedi Robes, she felt a rush of adrenaline, excitement to be back on the side of the Light. She took thirty seconds to ignite her Lightsaber, it’s bright green blade the sign of a Jedi Consular, it’s hum sounding like magic as she swung it around.

 

“Are you ready to go?” Master Dorak said as he heard the blade go out. “The building is falling down.”

 

“Yes Master,” Yuthura said excitedly “Thank you for keeping these belongings of mine.”

 

“It was no trouble, Padawan. They were yours while you were here, and now you have seen the truth, they are yours once again. Now, the other Masters.”

 

“Oh yes. Master Vrook said that he would meet us at the North Landing Pad as soon as I found the three of you.”

 

“OK, I will get Master Zhar. You get Master Vandar.”

 

“Sure thing, we’ll meet you at the Landing Pad in…. 15 minutes?” Yuthura said looking at Master Dorak for instruction.

 

“Yes, Master Vandar’s chambers are down that corridor to the left, the very last room. Hurry Yuthura.”

 

“Yes Master.” Yuthura said as she turned and headed down the corridor. “May the Force be with you.”

 

“May the Force be with you, Padawan Yuthura Ban.”

 

As Yuthura walked down the corridor towards Vandar’s room she heard the hum and clash of Lightsabers coming from behind the doors. “Master Vandar!!!!” Yuthura shouted as she pulled her own Lightsaber off of her belt and ignited the bright green blade.

 

She pushed to buttons to enter his quarters and what she saw was Master Vandar, his grey-green shape bouncing about like a hyperactive Tach from the Shadow lands of Kashyyyk, complete with humming blue Lightsaber in hand. Opposite him were two men standing about 6’ in height both going at Vandar with humming red blades. The Sith had sent a landing party down to the planet!

 

“A little help, Yuthura.” Vandar said as he parried one saber strike after another.

 

“Certainly, Master” Yuthura said as she moved into the middle of the room and one of the men fighting Vandar turned to face her. The two blades clashed with a great shock, Yuthura swung her saber at the stranger remembering her Soresu Lightsaber form from her training the first time around. She used the Sith’s own power in his strikes against him. Wearing him down, the longer he went on the stronger Yuthura became, until he made the mistake and left himself open. With one swing of her Lightsaber, Yuthura sliced the Sith’s hand off. His Lightsaber fell to the ground and he fell to his knees.

 

I have been here before. Yuthura thought about the Tomb of Naga Sadow and stayed her hand. Compassion, honour, strength. The Jedi do not kill their prisoners.

 

“What is your name?” Yuthura asked the man.

 

“Carson Sito, you……. you are not going to kill me?” He replied with a certain disbelief in his voice.

 

“The Jedi do not kill their prisoners.” Yuthura said looking him straight in the eyes. “And anyway, you are worth more to us alive.”

 

“ I will not be taken alive!” He said as he reached behind his back, pulled out a knife and stabbed it into his chest.

 

“Do not worry, Padawan,” Vandar said as he approached Yuthura. He had been watching her fight her opponent. “I see you remembered your Jedi training.”

 

“How could I forget. You taught me: Be patient and eventually my opponent will make a mistake. As this…Carson Sito did.”

 

"Quite right. I see you are back in your Jedi Robes, what has brought this on? I thought the Council told you to leave Dantooine." Vandar enquired.

 

"You did, and I was just leaving when I saw the Sith Fleet in orbit begin to fire on the planet. So I came back."

 

"You came back to help us?"

 

"Part of me wanted to let you all suffer, but then I remembered what a Mysterious Stranger said to me on Korriban......"

 

"Then you ran into Revan as well?" Vandar said with some surprise in his voice.

 

"Revan? You mean Darth Revan? That guy on Korriban was the former Dark Lord of the Sith, no wonder he was able to best me in a fight." Yuthura was more surprised than Vandar.

 

"You fought with him? It was he who sent you back here was it not?" Vandar could see now by Yuthura's body language that she was now more at ease with herself, and was giving off a faint glow.

 

"Yes, we fought, after we had slain the Master of the Sith Academy on Korriban, Uthar Wynn." Yuthura went on to explain how Revan had passed all the tests to gain entrance to the Tomb of Naga Sadow, had killed two Terentateks, and then slain Uthar Wynn, before beating herself in a fight.

So his quest is succeeding then? Vandar thought to himself as the two Jedi headed north towards the landing pad.

 

They could see Master Dorak in the distance with Master Zhar as they entered the landing pad "Excellent, they made it!" Yuthura said to Vandar as the pair hurried aboard the ship. "We're ready when you are Master Vrook."

 

"OK, everybody hold on. The Sith will probably have the whole planet under surveillance for survivors." Vrook said as he guided the ship to the northern polar region. "How is Belaya doing, Yuthura?"

 

"She's stable for now, but she has lost a lot of blood. The medical droids have got her sedated."

 

"As soon as we can we must get to Coruscant." Vandar said to the other Council members "The good news is that Revan is still alive, and still travels on the path of Light. Yuthura and Uthar Wynn fought him on Korriban, not 2 days ago."

 

"That is good news," Zhar spoke with a dull tone in his voice, as if something bad had happened. "I fear for Bastila Shan in all of this, are we really sure she can handle this enormous pressure we have put her under. Is she being asked to grow up far too quickly?"

 

"I don't think so." Dorak said "She was sent on this mission with Revan because we believe she has the ability. Whether or not she believes she has the ability is another matter."

 

"Excuse me, Masters," Yuthura interrupted just as Master Vrook was about to speak "But what do we do now? Are we going to Coruscant?"

 

"That is our most likely course of action yes." Master Vandar said turning to face Yuthura. "The Jedi Council must be made aware of the threat Malak now possesses. Why, Padawan?"

 

"Because I've never been to Coruscant." She replied, her eyes lighting up.

 

 

 

That was chapter three, take it in and let me know, i realise that i haven't corrected ALL the grammar. I hope you are enjoying the story.

[Blackie]

Hi all, i gave you a couple of days after chapter 3 here is chapter 4

 

 

 

 

 

4

 

 

 

Coruscant, the political hub of the galaxy for millennia. It was generally agreed that Coruscant was, during most of Galactic history, the most politically important world in the galaxy. A large number of the galaxy's trade routes—including the Perlemian Trade Route, the Corellian Run, the Metellos Trade Route, the Koros Trunk Line, and the Leisure Corridor—went through Coruscant, making it one of the richest worlds in the galaxy.

 

With it’s tall cityscape, Coruscant was a vast array of lights and the various shapes of the buildings stood out to Yuthura like a Bantha against the bright golden sands of Tatooine. One of these building was the central spire of the Jedi Temple.

 

The Temple itself was the home to the Jedi, where they lived for the first years of their Life. During their stay, they learned the ways of The Force and trained in the traditions of the Jedi Order. Classrooms for Younglings were located around the base of the Tower of First Knowledge , where students are assigned projects and essays on the history of the Order.

 

The rest of the inner Temple was cool with natural lighting that was filtered in through clerestories. The Temple was filled with dormitories for Padawans and Knights that were individually built to suit the different species of Jedi‘s needs. The most influential and respected masters had their own private offices and quarters located near the Temple‘s towers.

 

These private quarters had their own computer and holoprojectors to access works of science, history and philosophy. There were many different facilities, including classrooms for Jedi Masters to train large groups of Younglings, and sparring rooms for Jedi to develop their skills with the Lightsaber, as well as numerous gardens, fountains, and quiet alcoves and chambers to provide a meditative space.

 

From the very beginning, Coruscant, as the Republic's capital, was the primary objective in several wars. The earliest among these was the Tionese War with the Honourable Union of Desevro and Tion, in which Coruscant was bombarded with Tionese pressure bombs. Other early battles included the Alsakan Conflicts, the Duinuogwuin Contention, the Great Hyperspace War, the Third Great Schism, and the Great Sith War. Following the devastation of Ossus, the Jedi Council took up residence in the Jedi Temple on Coruscant, to which many Jedi relics from Ossus were taken. The Temple was greatly expanded, including the building of the original Jedi Council Chamber.

 

"Seen from orbit, Coruscant is a blaze of light and sparkling colours, reminding some spacers of corusca stones, after which this planet was named long ago.” Vrook commented as the ship approached the planet. “It is still exactly as I remember it. What do you think Vandar?”

 

“I have been thinking about Revan and Bastila’s journey. It has been 3 days since we left Dantooine. And yet we have heard nothing of them.” Vandar replied with a concerned look on his face. “Something should have happened by now.”

 

“We can discuss something when we land and have briefed the council.” Zhar interjected “How is Belaya doing since she came around, Yuthura?”

 

“She still cannot feel anything in her legs. The medical droids have done everything that they can.” Yuthura said with a sad look on her face. “I fear she will not walk again.”

 

“Fear….” Vandar said

 

“I know Master, the path of the Dark Side. But I can’t help worrying, she is my friend.”

 

“We are all concerned, Padawan,” Vandar said confidently “The best medical facilities in the galaxy exist on Coruscant. I foresee the two of you having many great adventures.”

 

“Thank you, Master.” Yuthura's face lit up again at the revelation that Belaya would be ok. “How long until we land Master Vrook?”

 

“We are approaching the landing pad now. Please be seated and prepare for landing.”

 

The landing pad was forty levels above the highest building on the planet, and the tallest buildings on the planet were at least 40 levels high. Yuthura could not believe the size of the population that must live on Coruscant.

For nearly every building on the planet to be at least forty levels high Yuthura thought there must be at least 650 billion people. Incredible.

 

The walk from the landing pad to the Jedi Temple Council Chamber was long and drawn out, travelling through the durasteel plated corridors Yuthura couldn’t help but wonder just what had been here before.

 

“You’re thinking about the Temple, aren’t you?” Dorak asked as Yuthura stopped and looked at one of the intricate wall designs.

 

“This building is a massive structure that stands over a kilometre high above the buildings of Galactic City, Coruscant. Built around an ancient Force nexus located in a natural mountain, the area surrounding the Temple is a long, broad promenade, the Processional Way, in an area where the Temple is largely unobstructed to sight. If you look through that window you can just make out Processional Way below.” Dorak explained.

 

“A Force nexus?” Yuthura asked as she walked towards the window. “What do you mean by a nexus?”

 

“A Force nexus is a term used to refer to any location where the Force, or any particular aspect of the Force, is unusually strong. Such nexuses could be caused by any number of different events. Korriban in general and the Valley of the Dark Lords specifically are nexuses of the dark side due to the long-term presence of the Sith Lords. The natural mountain on which the foundation of the Jedi Temple on Coruscant rests is a nexus for unknown reasons, but it is likely because of all the Jedi that have lived here for hundreds of years.”

 

“So a Force nexus is a massive concentration of Force energy, brought on by the remaining of a Force-sensitive being or culture in the same place for hundreds of years? Wow, amazing.”

 

They continued their walk at a hurried pace to catch up with the others.

“We have some urgent news we must report to the Council, Padawan,” Vrook said to one of the Jedi that approached the 5 guests. “Immediately.”

 

“Certainly Master,” the Padawan said as he walked towards master Vrook “Is there anything else?”

 

“Yes there is, there is an injured Jedi Knight on board the ship that must be taken to the nearest medical facility there is.”

 

“Yes, Master.” The Padawan said ushering to one of the other Jedi servants to help the 4 Council Members with their belongings. “Pardon me, Master but what about this one? Although she wears the robes of a Jedi, she is quite obviously not one.”

 

“Excuse me, Padawan,” Yuthura was about to strike the Padawan down when Master Vrook spoke.

 

“Yuthura is a Jedi; She has proved that on more than one occasion. Is there some kind of problem with the way she looks?”

 

“Just her strange markings, they look almost…..” she whispered “Sith.”

 

“That’s because they are.” Vrook stated, “Yuthura has seen the error of her ways and has chosen to rejoin our fight against Darth Malak. Is there anything else you feel we need to explain? We are after all the Dantooine Enclave Council.”

 

“No, Master,” she said as she bowed her head “Please forgive my intrusion, it was not my business to interfere.” And with that she turned and walked away.

 

“You still know how to instill fear into the heart of any Padawan, Vrook.” Dorak said with a wry smile on his face.

 

“Youth of today!” Vrook said as he laughed out loud. “Where would old fools like us be without them? Probably decaying on some dead old rock in space. Now then, the High Council.”

 

The 5 were guided by the other of the three Padawans to a small room with two sofas, a drinks table in the middle of the room and a desk in the corner with a computer on it.

 

“What happens now?” Yuthura said looking at Vrook, it was he who had taken control of the situation since they had landed, even going as far as to scold three Padawans for their reaction to her.

 

“We wait until the Council is ready to hear our plea. You, on the other hand are free to leave, only to see how Belaya is doing.”

 

“Thank you, Master” Yuthura said as she grabbed her robe from on of the chairs and made for the door. “I will return with good news.”

 

 

 

What do you think? Let me know.....

[Astor]

I think you're doing fairly well, but I think that you could have cleared up the first few paragraphs of part 4.

 

For instance, where you have written:

 

Show spoiler

(hidden content - requires Javascript to show)

Coruscant, the political hub of the galaxy for millennia. It was generally agreed that Coruscant was, during most of Galactic history, the most politically important world in the galaxy. A large number of the galaxy's trade routes—including the Perlemian Trade Route, the Corellian Run, the Metellos Trade Route, the Koros Trunk Line, and the Leisure Corridor—went through Coruscant, making it one of the richest worlds in the galaxy.[/Quote]

 

I would have written:

 

Coruscant. It was generally agreed that this sprawling city-planet was, in the eyes of many, the center of the galaxy. It was the richest world in the Core, if not the Galaxy, thanks to the many trade arteries that both started and ended here.[/Quote]

 

 

With it’s tall cityscape, Coruscant was a vast array of lights and the various shapes of the buildings stood out to Yuthura like a Bantha against the bright golden sands of Tatooine. One of these building was the central spire of the Jedi Temple.[/Quote]

 

This paragraph is a bit odd. When you say it stands out, is that the planet standing out in space? Because nothing really stands out on Coruscant's surface, unless you live there.

 

It's like visiting New York or Las Vegas the for first time - there's a mish mash of activity, lights and noise - that, combined, make it difficult for any one thing to stand out.

 

I think that this part could do with a bit of rethinking, or maybe cleaning up a bit, but overall I think you're doing ok.

 

EDIT: There's an awfullly large amount of history in this part - I don't think it's necessary to include every detail of each part, maybe just hinting at events would be a bit better.

 

I'd maybe even consider mentioning how the planet feels through the force:

 

The concentration of so many lifeforms, all pulling in different directions, was, to an unfocused mind, like standing next to a supernova. That made Coruscant a perfect place for a Jedi to train - if they couldn't center themselves here, at the heart of the galaxy, then it would be difficult to do it anywhere else.[/Quote]

[Rev7]

You are doing better, and I think that is very noticable. There are still a few awkward sentances, as Astor_Kaine pointed out. The story is coming along though, so make sure to keep on writing. You seem to be improving.

[TheExile]

Agree with the comment above! This one goes along nicely!!!

You're improving by every chapter!

[Blackie]

Many thanks for the comments - i've written about 17 chapters of this story so far, and i'm going to post them 2 at a time so as to give people a chance to read through each chapter a couple of times.

 

 

5

 

 

Yuthura headed back out onto the landing pad to a scene of chaos. Alarms were going off and whole landing pad was awash with crates and people.

 

“What is happening?” She asked, as bodies hurried all around her.

 

“Haven’t you heard?” A uniformed young man shouted at Yuthura over the roar of one of the people carrier’s engines “Our forces have boarded the Star Forge!”

 

“Really?” Yuthura replied with a smile on her face. “Do you know anything of the Jedi that was bought here with the Dantooine council?”

 

“No, I’m afraid you’ll have to ask my commander.” He replied pointing to a big man with broad shoulders and a pointed hat.

 

“Thank you,” Yuthura replied as she made her way over to the colossus of a man “Excuse me,” Yuthura asked as she tapped on the man’s shoulder. “Do you know the Jedi that arrived with the Dantooine Enclave Council?”

 

“No time to talk….” He replied as he turned to face Yuthura. “Oh hello Jedi, how can I help you?”

“The Jedi Knight that arrived with the Dantooine Council?”

“Oh yes, she was transferred to the medical facility on the far side of the temple.”

 

“Thank you.” Yuthura said as she turned to face the exit of the landing pad.

Yuthura made her way down a corridor towards the turbolift; she studied the map of the Jedi Temple that was on the wall next to the lift and could hear the mechanism faintly whirring as it brought the lift up the many levels to where she was standing.

 

Yuthura entered the lift and pressed the button for the floor she needed, she looked at herself in the mirror that lined the back wall of the moving box that she had just stepped into and raised her hood up over her head. She was still so ashamed of those tattoos.

 

DING! The doors opened with a short shudder and Yuthura exited into a dark chamber; as her eyes adjusted to the conditions she reached out with the Force to see if she was alone, nothing. Whatever had made it so dark down here in the lower levels of the Jedi Temple wasn’t here any longer.

 

“Hello!” Yuthura called as she rested her palm on her Lightsaber, all the while reaching out with the Force “Is there anybody there?” Suddenly from nowhere Yuthura felt a hard thud on the back of her head. She lapsed into unconsciousness.

 

 

_________________________________________________________

 

 

Yuthura awoke in the med-bay in a bed next to Belaya.

 

“Nhhhh, what happened?” she asked the droid that was tending to her bumped head. “I was in the…..”

 

“You were…. where many Jedi Knights dare not go. You must have hit the wrong button on the lift control, that chamber is the very basement of the Temple, very close to the central point of the Force nexus I was telling you about. It is guarded by special training droids. And you felt the full force of one.” Master Dorak was standing over her while the droid applied a med pack to Yuthura. “Only Council members are permitted to know of the droid defences in the very basement of the Jedi Temple. That doesn’t, however, mean that other people do not know; unofficially. They are there solely with the purpose of guarding the Force Nexus that gives the Jedi High Council its significance.”

 

“Tell me of the Great Hunt, Master” Yuthura said with a grimace as the droid patched her up. “I was just wondering, Revan fought two Terentateks on Korriban, were they something to do with the Great Hunt?”

 

“Yes, Yuthura they were.” Dorak said as he pulled a stool over to Yuthura's bedside. “Can you imagine, just for a second, an enemy so fierce that the even the greatest Jedi master cannot feel it’s presence. The Great Hunt was a series of events organized by the Jedi in an attempt to exterminate the Terentateks, creatures native to Korriban, which fed off the blood of Force-sensitives.”

 

“Five days after the Cleansing of Tatooine, the Jedi Enclave of Dantooine announced the end of the Hunt. However, two days later, they secretly assigned three Jedi Knights - Guun Han Saresh, Shaela Nuur, and Duron Qel-Droma - on a mission to destroy the Terentateks of Korriban and Kashyyyk they were chosen because they had a powerful Force bond, thought by the Jedi Council to be powerful enough to defeat the Terentateks when they where together.”

 

“However they were not successful. During their hunt Shaela and Duron fell in love, condemned by Guun Han. Not heeding his warnings however they stayed lovers, causing Guun to leave them, fearful that their love would lead them to the dark side. Guun Han left them on Korriban, continuing a hunt on his own, while the lovers continued together.”

 

“Saresh believed that the bond they shared would draw her to the Dark Side, and departed to Kashyyyk. Guun Han was eventually killed during his hunt for Terentateks, neither party strong enough to overcome the threat, the splitting of their bond their downfall.”

 

“Wow, you tell the greatest stories Master Dorak.” Yuthura had been listening so intensely for the last 10 minutes as Master Dorak explained every detail of the Great Hunt to her that she had totally forgot that Belaya was laying in the bed next to her. “How is Belaya doing, Master?”

 

“I don’t know, droid? How’s the patient?” He asked the bleeping trash can that shuffled around the med-bay.

 

“She will bleep-bleep-beep be fine. Her legs are healing nicely, another day and she will be able to walk out of bleep-bleep-beep here, good as new.” It replied.

 

“That’s good news” Yuthura said “What about me?”

 

“You can leave when ready, Padawan.” The droid replied to a relieved Yuthura. “Did you know about the battle aboard the Star Forge, Master?” Yuthura said turning to face Dorak again.

 

“Yes,” He replied “ Master Vandar has gone to join the battle on the bridge of Admiral Dodonna’s ship.”

 

“It would have been good to see the end of the Sith up close.” Yuthura exclaimed as she pulled on her robes off the chair by the door “I hope Revan is successful.”

 

“We all share in his endeavour, Padawan.”

 

“Do you have to talk so loud?” A voice came from the bed behind the curtain.

 

“Belaya!” Yuthura was overjoyed to hear her friend’s voice. “We thought we had lost you.”

 

“Lost me? What happened?” Belaya asked.

 

“Well…” Yuthura was just about to start the whole story form the beginning when Master Dorak interrupted her.

 

“I will return to my meditation. It is good to see you are well Belaya.”

 

“Thank you, Master.” Belaya said “To whom do I owe my life?”

 

“The honour belongs to Yuthura Ban.” Dorak replied as he touched Yuthura's shoulder.

 

“It was nothing, I did what any friend would have done.” Yuthura said modestly.

 

“That is not what Master Vrook said.” Dorak stated as he made his way toward the door. “He is telling the council right now of your exploits. I believe it is his wish that you are made a full Jedi Knight.”

 

“Really? On what grounds?” Yuthura asked.

 

“You single handedly saved Belaya here, as well as Master Vandar and myself. And as you very well know, Jedi Knighthood is granted to Padawans that perform extreme acts of courage, valour, or act beyond the call of duty. I think we can safely say you have earnt it.”

 

“I honestly don’t think I’m ready for this honour.” Yuthura said. “Like I said, I just did what anyone would have done to help a friend.”

 

“That is not the opinion of the Council. It was a decision that we came to during the voyage here from Dantooine.” Dorak explained “But, whatever you do, do not tell Master Vrook that I have spoken to you about this. As the one most opposed to having you back in the Order, to give you the good news himself is his greatest wish.”

 

“I am honoured that you believe in me, Master” Yuthura said as she gave Master Dorak a hug. “Thank you once again.”

 

“Well done, Yuthura.” Belaya said as she reached over to give Yuthura a hug and grimaced at the pain of moving.

 

“What happens now?” Yuthura asked.

 

“Master Vrook will petition the council to grant you full Jedi Knighthood when he speaks to them. Until then you wait, if successful you will be called to the High Council Chamber.”

 

“What if I’m not successful?” Yuthura asked.

 

“Then life continues and you take the next chance, but your training never stops. Belaya will testify to that.” Dorak explained.

 

“So true.” Belaya said.

 

“Now we must leave Belaya to rest, Padawan.” Dorak said as he ushered Yuthura out of the med-bay.

 

I am going to be a Jedi Knight. Yuthura thought as she and Master Dorak walked towards the turbolift. So soon after re-joining the Order. Does that mean I will get my own Padawan? So many questions, not enough answers. Only one solution exists at this current moment in time: I must meditate, if I get the call then so be it, if not then I continue my studies.

 

 

 

 

That was 5, chapter 6 to follow shortly.

[Blackie]

Chapter 6 folks, as before, leave me some feedback.

 

 

6

 

 

The Jedi High Council Chamber. It was a symbol to all Jedi. A symbol of peace, honour and justice in the galaxy. It was also the place where the 12 Jedi Masters elected by the Jedi, to represent the best interests of the Guardians of Justice and Peace throughout the galaxy.

 

The Council itself was missing 2 Masters from their seats; Master Vandar was aboard the flagship of Admiral Dodonna, he was replaced by a holo image of himself being beamed across space from the Battle of Rakata Prime; and there was Master Vrook, who was standing in the centre of the room with Master Zhar.

 

Around them were the Jedi High Council, amongst them; Master Atris, Master Lonna Vash, Master Zez-Kai Ell, and Master Kavar.

 

As Master Vrook looked around the room at the Masters, Atris spoke “Hello Vrook, we are aware of your plight. How are yourself and Master Zhar doing?”

 

“We are fine, Atris. Coping in the circumstances,” Vrook stated with an agitated tone “How are you?”

 

“I am fine, I am however bothered by what has happened on Dantooine.” Atris said with a cold tone.

 

“We all are bothered by what has happened to our enclave….” Vrook stated again gaining more ferocity in his voice.

 

“Vrook Lamar,” the voice of Master Vash was distinctly calm “Please do not worry about what is going to happen on Dantooine. Everything will become clear.”

 

“It was an unequalled disaster, Malak has destroyed one our strongholds.” Atris said glancing at Master Zhar “What do you have to say Master Zhar? You look troubled.”

 

“Nothing Master, it’s just that Revan is aboard the Star Forge right now, deciding the fate of the galaxy and we, and I’m sorry Vrook but I must say this, are arguing about what happened at our enclave. After the dust has settled from the battle of the Star Forge, we can continue this.”

 

“Well said,” Kavar felt the need to interject at that point.

 

“Masters,” Vandar’s little hologram started to flicker “The battle is reaching it’s climax.” At that point a screen in the council chamber flickered to life showing the positions of the Republics fighters in comparison to those of Darth Malak “Bastila Shan… she is using her battle meditation to aid the Sith?” Vrook asked looking over his shoulder at Vandar’s image.

 

“Correct Vrook, if Revan cannot do something soon, we will be finished.” Vandar replied with a dejected tone of voice.

 

“Wait…” Zhar noticed a hole open up in the defensive lines of the Sith. “The lines are breaking! The Sith fleet has opened up!”

 

“Red squadron, green squadron all out attack!” Admiral Dodonna’s voice was quite distinct in the background of Vandar’s transmission. The little images moved into the hole that had opened up in front of the Masters on the screen.

 

“Bastila has seen the Light.” Zhar said with a smile on his face.

 

“All that is left is for the redeemed Revan to defeat Darth Malak.” Vandar said

 

“Either that or he takes command of Malak’s forces and we are back to square one.” Vrook said.

 

“Do you think he would have come this far without straying back along that familiar path, Vrook?” Kavar said.

 

“I am pessimistic until the end product is presented.” Vrook replied.

 

“Ever the sceptic.” Atris entered the conversation.

 

“It has never failed me before. If you remember it was I that predicted Revan’s initial fall to the Dark Side. He was too cocky, arrogant, and head-strong. I see nothing yet that can change my perceptions of him.”

 

“Have faith in the Force, old friend.” Zhar said.

 

“There the Star Forge has disappeared from the screen, Vandar, what’s happening?” Zez-Kai Ell spoke for the first time since the screen had come to life.

 

“The Star Forge, it’s…. there are explosions coming from all over it.” Vandar said as his picture began to crackle and break up. “Revan has been successful. Darth Malak is no more. The Light has prevailed once again.”

As the Masters made their way back to their seats, Zhar and Vrook stood by the screen for a few minutes “Now is the time, Vrook” Zhar said “Tell them.”

 

“Are you sure?” Vrook asked him. The Masters returned to their seats and as the news filtered through to the troops on Coruscant, great cheers were to be heard all over. “I suppose there is no time like the present.” And with that, the two Jedi Masters made their way back into the centre of the chamber and stood ready to address the High Council on their second matter of importance.

 

“You have something else you wish to ask the Council, Master Vrook?” Atris said as she adjusted her white robes in her seat and fixed her brilliant white pony-tail.

 

“Yes," Vrook started slowly "The reason we escaped Dantooine. The Padawan Yuthura Ban, it is the belief of the Dantooine Enclave Council, and the final wish of said Council, that Yuthura be promoted to the rank of Jedi Knight.” Vrook said as some of the Masters gasped in disbelief.

 

“You would have us promote a former high-ranking Sith to the rank of Jedi Knight?” Atris scoffed.

 

“I took the same attitude when I heard she wanted to retrain. But why not? Revan is a prime example of the fact that the Light conquers the Dark.” Vrook stated. “He was the Dark Lord himself, and she did save Belaya, and Masters Vandar and Dorak.”

 

“To that I can testify.” Vandar said, his transmission coming through clearer now “We took the decision not to permit her retraining as a Jedi; she was leaving Dantooine, but returned to help survivors. Without her there would only be 10 members of the Jedi High Council.”

 

“We need time to meditate on this.” Atris said. It was clear that without Vrook physically sitting his seat on the High Council, she was the most prominently active voice.

 

“Don’t waste your time meditating on this!” Vrook said with a raised voice. “She is strong enough in the Force to be a full Jedi Knight.”

 

“Master Vrook!” Kavar said raising his voice, “You know very well it is the policy of this Council to take into the account all aspects of the Force, both the Living Force and the Unifying Force must be consulted through meditation.”

 

“Very well, if you will not make a decision, I will take her as my student.” Vrook said, as much to the disbelief of Zhar as the rest of the High Council.

 

“Vrook,” Zez-Kai Ell spoke with a calm voice “You are aware that this course of action will severely limit the input you have on this Council?”

 

“I am aware, but you leave no choice.” Vrook said. “She has performed above and beyond the call of duty.”

 

“We will reconvene in 1 hour, give us time to meditate on this Vrook, please” Kavar said. “We cannot just promote someone without consulting the Force.”

 

“Very well,” Vrook said, “We will return in 1 hour.”

 

With that both Vrook and Zhar left the council chamber and the other Masters looked at each other in either disbelief or amazement.

 

“Is he serious, Vandar?” Atris asked the little hologram sat next to her.

 

“Without a doubt,” Vandar replied to a worried looking Atris, “Yuthura saved our lives; she deserves at least a chance.”

 

“But she was in charge of the Korriban Sith Academy.” Atris stated “Can she really be trusted?”

 

“The least she deserves is a chance.” Vandar said, “Now, Admiral Dodonna and I must go down to the planet we are orbiting, I must present Revan and his companions with the Cross of Glory, farewell my friends."

 

 

I'll post chapters 7 & 8 after you've all had a chance to read through these 2 new chapters and leave some comments, cheers in advance.

[Darth_Yuthura]

I would suggest a little more 'minor conflicts' to enrich the story. I find that it's much more interesting for a simple argument every now and again to show it's not a perfect system within the Order. Yuthura's beliefs are supposed to be against the jedi's... how can't she have problems with the world around her?

 

I also think that it might be nice to have a character like Atris demean Yuthura to display prejudice against the darkside without cause.

[knight 12167]

This is a great story.I hope you continue

[Darth_Yuthura]

Odds are that this story has ended. I don't think the author would mind me pointing others in another direction.

 

Check http://boards.theforce.net/ It would be found as "My Yuthura Ban Story" He had posted a few more chapters there. I just checked there myself, but could not find it just now, but the user name and story were the same as here.