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Endorenna Newbie

Endorenna

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Oh, darn! Asha'ri just can't get a break, can she? :(

 

Now to the inevitable critique. ;)

 

The charismatic little droid had arroused him half an hour before they would be dropping out of hyperspace into the Rendak System.

 

It's 'aroused'.

 

"I didn't see you standing their Asha'ri."

 

It should be, "I didn't see you standing there, Asha'ri."

 

"Thats quite a workout."

 

It should be, "That's quite a workout."

 

With a grin, Cadran dropped into the seat next to her and dropped the ship out of hyperspace.

 

It might sound better to say

 

Cadran dropped into the seat next to her with a grin and pulled the ship out of hyperspace.

 

A few grammar/rephrasing things below:

 

Below them was a relatively small planet covered in dense rainforest and warm, tropical seas. As they entered high orbit, the comm system beeped with an incoming transmission.

 

"Yes, Teg, it's me."

 

"Good. I was beginning to think you'd died," he replied with a chuckle.

 

Cadran hadn’t walked ten steps when he was imbraced by the huge Gotal trafficer, Teg.

 

CQ already pointed out the 'embraced' thing.

 

Okay, I'm through being overly annoying! :D

 

I want the next chapter! :xp:

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Kado Sunrider Newbie

Kado Sunrider

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Oh, darn! Asha'ri just can't get a break, can she? :(

 

Now to the inevitable critique. ;)

 

 

 

It's 'aroused'.

 

 

 

It should be, "I didn't see you standing there, Asha'ri."

 

 

 

It should be, "That's quite a workout."

 

 

 

It might sound better to say

 

 

 

A few grammar/rephrasing things below:

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

CQ already pointed out the 'embraced' thing.

 

Okay, I'm through being overly annoying! :D

 

I want the next chapter! :xp:

heh.

 

Well, I have one thing to say. When I take more time on my spacing, I lose points in grammar. I REALLY wish I had word, because most of this stuff would have been solved already, but Wordpad is the ****iest (SP?) program Microsoft ever created.

 

I'll go back through and fix those errors. Sorry for the mistakes!

 

New chapter coming soon!

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Kado Sunrider Newbie

Kado Sunrider

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Chapter 6

 

Dead silence pervaded the chamber at Kilans' tone. Cadran knew what was coming. He would not give up Asha'ri. Four guards we're stationed in the throne room at all times, however, the nearest barrack was much to close for comfort. In a flash, Cadran drew his blaster and let off two perfectly aimed shots at the nearest guards. Dropping into a crouch as the other two guards opened fire, he pivoted and released two more shots, hitting both guards directly in the chest. Many of the chambers occupants had begun to draw their weapons, but Cadran was already on his way out the door.

 

Reaching into one of his pockets, Cadran grabbed the comlink and set the frequency to the Flight Control channel.

 

"Teg?" he yelled into the device.

 

"It's me Cadran. Why are you screaming?"

 

"Get to my ship. I'll explain later."

 

Tearing off through the tunnels, he emerged at the far edge of the docking bay. Teg ran towards him.

 

"What the HELL was that all about."

 

"No time," Cadran replied. "We're leaving."

 

Transmitting the code to unlock the ramp. Cadran and Teg sprinted into the ship at full speed, and right into the business end of Asha'ris' blaster.

 

"Asha'ri, its just me. But we need to get out of here. NOW."

 

Asha'ri nodded, then lowered the weapon and followed Cadran into the cockpit. Reaching up and closing the hatch, Cadran began the preflight checks, noting that the fuel had been replenished and that the hyperdrive was operational.

 

"Lets go!" he yelled in excitement. "Asha'ri, grab a seat and buckle up. This is going to be one bumpy ride."

 

Lifting off, Cadran maneuvered the ship around and blasted out of the hangar at incredible speed.

 

"Teg, get to the turret. I'm going to need you to pick off the fighters." Cadran told the Gotal.

 

"You still haven't told me wha-"

 

"Not now! Lets just say I got Kilan VERY mad."

 

The Talravin Star burst out of the planets atmosphere with four fighters on its tail. Soon after they had cleared the atmosphere, shots could be heard firing from the quad cannons along with Tegs battle cries coming through the comm system.

 

"Three fighters down, Cadran... Wait, take that back. All four are gone."

 

"Nice job, Teg, come on down the cockpit. I've got a lot to tell you."

 

From the seat behind him came Asha'ris sweet voice. "Where are we going, Cadran?"

 

"Talravin. We're going to see my parents."

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CommanderQ Newbie

CommanderQ

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Excellent next chapter, Kado! You have definately discovered the sacred art of dialogue now! Once again, though, proofread, I've spotted several miss-spellings here and there. Take a look and proofread and correct. I'll probably post more on this a bit later, but excellent next part! Post again soon, you have definately got us excited and I'm on the edge of my seat!

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Kado Sunrider Newbie

Kado Sunrider

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Excellent next chapter, Kado! You have definately discovered the sacred art of dialogue now! Once again, though, proofread, I've spotted several miss-spellings here and there. Take a look and proofread and correct. I'll probably post more on this a bit later, but excellent next part! Post again soon, you have definately got us excited and I'm on the edge of my seat!
anyone interested in buying a lonely writer Microsoft word?

 

It would stem my writing woes. :0

 

Next chapter coming soon!

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Kado Sunrider Newbie

Kado Sunrider

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Chapter 7

 

The glittering armored hull of the Telravin Star shone in the midday sun as it set down near the home of Reshi and Nema Tavar. From the viewport, Cadran could see two figures approaching from the house. This is going to be interesting. he thought to himself as he unlocked the exit ramp.

 

"Better let me handle this. You two stay put. I'll comm you when its time." he said.

 

Teg and Asha'ri nodded, so he left the cockpit and walked slowly down the exit ramp. Striding forward to meet the pair, Cadran looked into their faces and saw much pain. He would ask them what was wrong later.

 

"Mother." he said quietly.

 

She rushed forward and embraced him with tears running down her face. His father stood back and watched with an air of discomfort.

 

"We missed you so much!" she began. "We have so much to tell you."

 

Looking over his moms shoulder, he said, "Its great to see your face, old man."

 

A smiled cracked the wrinkled surface of the old mans face. Then he too embraced his son. Seconds later, Cadran stepped back and signaled the ship.

 

"Teg? You and Asha'ri can come out now." he said.

 

"Mom, I've got some friends I'd like you to meet."

 

The burly Gotal and the slim twi'lek disembarked and walked forward to meet Cadrans' parents.

 

"It is an honor to meet the clan members of my friend. You've raised a fine man." he said proudly.

 

Asha'ri politely introduced herself, but stayed quiet after that. Looking around Cadran noticed something wrong.

 

"Mom, where's Derden?"

 

His mother and father made eye contact, and Nema began to weep again.

 

"Your brothers dead, son."

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Kado Sunrider Newbie

Kado Sunrider

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Chapter 8

 

Silence pervaded the scene as Cadran stood in disbelief. Pain washed over him like an icy wave, and he sank to his knees.

 

"How -- how did he die?" he asked quietly.

 

"Lets go inside, and you can hear the whole story." his father said as he opened the door.

 

Standing up, Cadran led his friends into his home. Following his parents in silence, he reflected on what he had just heard. Derden, dead. he thought. Its not possible. Images of the pair finding a massive Fera Snake in a cave near their home and distracting it while Derden jumped on its head and shot it in the dead. Leading the group through a final door, they found themselves in a dining area and sat down.

 

"Tell me how it happened." Cadran whispered.

 

"After you left, your brother decided to leave home as you did and seek his fortunes in the galaxy. Your brother was on a planet on the Perlimean when a group of Imperials dropped out of hyperspace and ordered the planet into quarantine. When the Imperials arrived, they announced that the planet was a known rebel base, and that anyone who offered information would be rewarded greatly. Your brother had some enemies on the planet it seems, because he was declared a rebel, and they led a search for him. He was taken to the central square and gunned down by imperial troops. No trial." he finished abruptly.

 

Hatred for the Empire coursed through Cadrans' veins.

 

"You know what I have to do." he began and a terrified look came into his parents eyes.

 

"I'm going to track down the rebellion, and join their cause." he declared. "I WILL avenge my brothers death. I swear to you."

 

His father nodded his head and silently left the room. His mother looked into Cadrans' eyes and said, "stay safe." then she followed her husband.

 

Standing up he turned to Teg and Asha'ri.

 

"The choice is yours. I will take you anywhere you wish to go, and you can forget I ever existed, or join me and the rebellion."

 

Teg responded first, "I'm with you Cadran. I've been sick of the Empire for a long time. And I too have grievances with them. If they did not hate aliens, I could have had an honest job instead of working for some pirate."

 

Cadran already knew Asha'ri's answer, and when he looked at her, she nodded.

 

"It's settled then." he said. "We seek out the rebellion."

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CommanderQ Newbie

CommanderQ

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Well, excellent next installment, Kado. You are definately developing the story in a great way! Though I must say that Cadran did make the decision rather abruptly, and his parents didn't object to anything he was going to do{but then again, if someone killed my brother, I'd probably would've made that decision just as fast, if not faster...so disregard the last words:D} I don't have many corrections this time, other than remember to use apostrophes and commas, so proofread, and you will find the mistakes.

 

Well, post the next part soon!!:D :D :D

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Kado Sunrider Newbie

Kado Sunrider

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Chapter 9

 

The Telravin Star dropped out of hyperspace a few hundred kilometers from Imperial Center and slowly approached the planet. In the cockpit, Cadran, Teg and Asha'ri we're going over their plan.

 

"Alright," Cadran began. "I'm going head for the gangland and try and get in touch with my underworld contacts. Asha'ri, you're coming with me, posing as my slave." he glanced at her and she nodded back.

 

"Teg, you're going to pose as a technician, and hack into the Imperial network, and find the location of all raids in the next 2 weeks. Are we clear?" he asked.

 

"Got it, Cadran. I'll be back before you are." he replied with a wink.

 

Landing on a platform on the planets dark side, the trio disembarked from the ship.

 

Teg headed off for the nearest transport to the imperial communications center while Cadran and Asha'ri hailed another transport and asked for the Sign of the Tri-Forked Tongue.

 

Ten minutes later, the slipped out of the speeder and onto the dark street. Entering the bar, they walked to the counter where they we're met by four Codru-Ji bodyguards.

 

"I'm here to see your boss." he said.

 

One of the Codru-Ji nodded and motioned for him to pass. Heading to a table in the darkest part of the bar, where a lone man was sitting.

 

"Cadran! So good to see you!" he began.

 

"Save it Hat Lo." Cadran replied. "I'm not here to listen to your whimpering."

 

"Well then, how about something to drink?" the shady businessman added as he snapped his fingers and a waitress appeared holding two drinks. She set them down in front of them and both men downed it in one gulp.

 

Hat Lo was watching Cadran with an anxious look in his eyes.

 

After licking his lips, Cadran said, "Waiting for the Dozoisian Snark Venom to kill me? You'll have to wait for a long time. I've spent the past ten years immunizing myself against the most deadly poisons. Now that the pleasantries are out of the way, perhaps you'd like to help before i decided to kill you."

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Kado Sunrider Newbie

Kado Sunrider

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Excellent next chapter, Kado! Very good indeed! Well, once again not much for me to correct on but there are a few things. Check your grammar again, PROOFREAD. That is very important during the writing process.

 

Besides that excellent work! I look foward to more!:D

I do proofread. ;)

 

I couldn't find any grammatical errors. Anyways, here's another chapter. :)

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Kado Sunrider Newbie

Kado Sunrider

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Chapter 10

 

Cadran and Asha'ri emerged from the shady cantina half an hour later burdened with weaponry and datapads. They hailed a speeder and arrived back at the landing pad where the Telravin Star was waiting patiently. They carried their supplies onto the ship and Asha'ri packed them into the cargo hold, while Cadran stood at the base of the exit ramp waiting for Teg to arrive.

 

An hour later, Cadran was woken from his revere by the roar of speeder engines and blaster fire. Drawing his rifle, he emerged from the overhang and began to sprint to the end of the pad. Seconds later, a military speeder emerged from around a corner, closely followed by two more, and crashed onto the pad. As the speeder skidded to a halt, a Human and a Gotal jumped out of the speeder and sprinted for the ship. As the two dodged blaster fire from their attackers, Cadran took aim with his pistol and began shooting.

 

"Asha'ri! Get the ship prepped for launch, NOW!" he screamed into his comm.

 

As he said this, the human was hit in the leg by the blaster fire. He screamed, and Teg turned and scooped him up as more shots hit the ground where the mans body had just been. Reaching the ramp, he screamed for Cadran to get inside.

 

Sprinting to the cockpit, Cadran took over the controls from Asha'ri who scooted into the co-pilots chair. The ship lifted off and left the atmosphere closely persued by 6 TIE fighters.

 

"Teg, take over for me. I'll take care of the fighters." he said as he stood up and ran for the gunwell. Climbing the ladder until the gravity took over, he dropped into the quad cannon control chair, and attached his headset. Warming up the lasers, he shouted, "Set the coordinates for Telravin, Teg."

 

Swiveling around, he blasted the first two fighters for they could realize what was happening. The other fighters quickly noticed that the ship only had a cannon on top, and began to attack from the bottom.

 

"Teg, we're going to have to perform an Delven Swivel."

 

"Yes, sir!" Tegs static-filled response came through the comm.

 

Immediately the ship began to corkscrew. Cadran shot twice in mid-loop and both shots hit his targets, completing the spin, Cadran fired twice more at the ships above him and both exploded into clouds of plasmic gases.

 

Sporadic whooping was coming through the comm from the cockpit, and Cadran disconnected and slid down the ladder. Walking into the cockpit, the bright streaks of hyperspace we're a welcome sight after the battle.

 

Tegs enormous hand clapped him in the back and Asha'ri smiled at him.

 

"That was quite some flying." said the man in the rear seat of the cockpit.

 

Now that Cadran got a look at the mans face, he noticed that he was a good looking middle aged man, probably in his early thirties.

 

Still staring the man in the face, Cadran asked, "Teg, would you like to introduce me to our guest?"

 

Tegs face was split by a large grin. "Cadran, meet Tertian Col."

 

Sticking out his hand, Cadran said, "nice to meet you, Tertian, my name's Cadran."

 

Shaking his hand, Tertian said, "I hear you're seeking out the Rebels."

 

"Yes." Cadran replied. "I don't suppose you can tell us where they are. Thats about the only reason I can see for Teg rescuing you."

 

"I can do better. I can take you too them."

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Bee Hoon Newbie

Bee Hoon

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An hour later, Cadran was woken from his revere
*reverie

 

where the mans
*man's

 

eft the atmosphere closely persued by 6 TIE fighters.
*pursued

 

Tegs enormous hand clapped him
*Teg's

 

I can take you too them.
*to

 

Just a quick run-through to point out that you shouldn't slack off the proofreading! :p

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