christos200 Posted December 14, 2010 Share Posted December 14, 2010 A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY.... STAR WARS : RETURN OF THE SITH It is 100 years after the death of darth Traya, and the sith that survived have formed brotherhood of the sith. with darth raptor and ryox the brotherhood of the sith waged war against the republic and it's jedi protectors. The republic now is at the point of beeing destroyed as it has been split in two, separatist and republic, the trade federation has created a droid army for the sith,countless Knights fall in battle, and many more swear allegiance to the new Sith Master. A lone smuggling starship, the Ebon Hawk, flies to the planet Alderaan. Xin, a smuggler and harr a wookie friend to xin, are the pilots of this ship.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canaan Sadow Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Err... I don't normally criticize, however... there are a few things that I question about this. First of all, Darth should be capitalized along with: Sith, Raptor, Ryox, Brotherhood, Republic, Jedi, Separatist, Trade Federation, Harr and Xin. Another thing... the Trade Federation's droid army didn't come until nearly four thousand years after Kreia's death... It was created in 33 BBY, dissolved in 32 BBY and then recreated in 22 BBY until the end of the Separatist movements... Also... don't you think the Ebon Hawk would be a bit... unflyable? I mean at the time of K2 it was already looking rugged and about to fall apart. :/ Anyway... other than that, it sounds like it might be an interesting read. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Also, I don't usually criticize, but this seems like a very short prologue. Not even the official STAR WARS text crawls were this short in the movies. You gave a rather good overview of what's going on, but I would have liked to get a preliminary sense of the characters. What are Xin and Harr like? Even adjectives like "intrepid" and "loyal" would have helped set the scene. All in all, this was like eating 1 potato chip. I want more!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christos200 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Share Posted December 15, 2010 (Kael'thas Solo is there any source that is telling that the Trade Federation did not created an another army. also the droids at this era will be like black Hk. thanks for posting) ( Tysyacha thanks for posting. now at this post you will learn many things about xin and harr.) Near the planet of Alderaan there is a lone smuggling starship, the Ebon Hawk. xin is tall and lean.he thinks he is very handsome. he works for Gula the hutt. harr is a very strong and sometimes very angry when he lose in pazzak. he is many years friend with xin. once xin was a pilot of the Trade Federation, but when he saw some droids torturing a wookie slave named harr, he destroyed the droids and escape with harr. then harr and xin became friends and smugglers. xin is going to the pilot room xin: hey, Harr, i want to ask you something. is it true that brotherhood of the sith was preparing from the time of darth revan? harr: har ha ha hahw xin: you dont know. anyway i dont care much about the war. if we complete this mission Gula will give as a ton of credits. JEDI TEMPLE, CORUSCANT Christos is a jedi knight with blond hair, black robe and some scars in his face. he is apprentice to ben. Ben is a jedi master and friend to christos. he has a beard and is tall. ben and christos walk in the jedi temple and talk about the war. ben: my apprentice, very dark times are coming for the jedi. once we were thousands and now were a few hundreds. you must be carrefull now that i will go to the batlle of Alderaan. christos: yes, master DANTOOINE , IN A FARMER HOUSE nick is handsome guy with black hair who stays with his uncle in the planet of dadooine. nick enters the house. uncle: where have you been. nick: i have gone with my friends in a bar. uncle: you can waste time with your friends later. i need you to do some work. aunt: hey, come for dinner. nick: i'm coming as they eat uncle opens a hologram to see the news. hologram: the war is going worse for the republic. the separatist destroyed a republic military base. nick: i hope the war won't come here. uncle: with the jedi academy here i think the war will definitely come here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canaan Sadow Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Actually, yes somewhat. I can't give you a specific source... but I do have something from Wookipedia (yeah I know that can't always be trusted... but it itself has sources. Anyway click me. Also, I've skimmed over your first chapter, you still haven't learned the use of the shift button. And your writing is somewhat more play like than it is an actual book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christos200 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Share Posted December 15, 2010 ( Kael'thas Solo thanks for posting. well there is not a book or a video game that takes place at this era so i can say whatever i want if it is star wars. one of the things i can tell is that the Trade Federation had a droid army at that era.i don't know if you think is more play or book but i hope you like the first part.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.:Lord Revan:. Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 I have never heard of a planet called Dandooine, but I have heard of one called Dantooine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christos200 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Share Posted December 15, 2010 ( .:Lord Revan:. well everyone does mistakes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canaan Sadow Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 I... did like it. It's just not something I truly expected. Also, you don't have to use "( )" when speaking... we realize that it's not another "chapter" of the book/play (whatever this is supposed to be ). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christos200 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Share Posted December 15, 2010 Kael'thas Solo in the next chapter the real action and backstories will begin. i can only tell that the batlle of Alderaan will soon begin:) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
.:Lord Revan:. Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 I know that, just helping out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christos200 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Share Posted December 15, 2010 .:Lord Revan:. thanks for correcting me. if you find any other mistake tell me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canaan Sadow Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Btw, I went back through the prologue. You mispelled smuggling and smuggler. I would reccomend (if you are able to) to use Microsoft Word (or any software that has spell check) to type your story/play in to prevent most spelling errors. However, I do also realize that it will tell you that there are words spelled wrong, such as Dantooine, Tatooine, ect from the Star Wars Universe. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 Tysyacha here. I appreciated the dialogue between Harr and Xin very much--it made me chuckle, reminding me of Han and "Chewie". About this line: "uncle: with the jedi academy here i don't think the war won't come here." This is kind of an awkward line because the uncle is using a double negative here. It would have been clearer to say, "I think the war will definitely come here!", or something to that effect. Other than that, and the things that Kael'thas Solo and others have mentioned, the story is progressing well. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christos200 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Share Posted December 15, 2010 (Tysyacha thanks for posting. i am not a english native speaker so any mistake you find please tell it.) ( Kael'thas Solo thanks for posting and helping me. i will soon edit my posts.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christos200 Posted December 15, 2010 Author Share Posted December 15, 2010 Korriban The brotherhood of the sith was ruled by the dark council, and darth raptor and darth ryox where generals-emperors by the dark council. but raptor and ryox where unofficialy leaders of the dark council and they did the dark council everything they want. meanwhile the Ebon Hawk arrived to Alderaan only to see thousands of sith droids invade the planet. xin: o, oh. three sith starships are firing to us. harr go to the turrets. sith pilot: are the turbolasers ready? harr: ha hag hag (translation: now the fun begins) harr in no time shot two sith fighters but the third shot the Ebon Hawk. now xin had to land to Alderaan or the Ebon Hawk would have been destroyed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 read Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christos200 Posted December 17, 2010 Author Share Posted December 17, 2010 the republic fleet was near on Alderaan when it was attacked by two sith capital ships. ben and some troopers manage to land. the droid army was firing at the republic allies when ben and 4000 republic troopers attacked the droid army. fight was chaotic snipers from the hills, turbolaser, jedi knight fighting sith lords. ben killed 20 droids with his lightsaber. a trooper then came near ben. dak: hello sir. my name is dak and i am here to inform you that darth ryox is here. ben: darth ryox is here? we must kill him and end the war. dak: yes sir. at the same time a young female jedi knight tries to kill ryox. the jedi attacked with a double-bladed lightsaber ryox, but ryox block the attack and drain the force of the young jedi killing her. meanwhile xin and harr were at the midle of a deadly fight. xin: what the hell hapend here? harr: hag haf had harrrrr xin: you are right. if gula learn that my shipment is destroyed then he will take my head. TATOOINE in the palace of gulla the hut, gula is very angry. translator droid: bounty hunters, the mighty gula the hut wants you to find and kill xin for 10.000 credits. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christos200 Posted December 17, 2010 Author Share Posted December 17, 2010 JEDI TEMPLE, CORUSCANT christos and his friend stell are tallking. christos: the jedi council want me to go yavin 4, to find and kill the separatist leaders. stell: danger this is. i fell great danger in this mission. christos: don't wory. the separatist leaders will soon be destroyed. Alderaan on Alderaan ben is trying to kill darth ryox. soon ben and ryox begin a fearsome lightsaber duel. ryox: are you ready to die jedi? ben: not yet, sith lord. after many strikes a starship lands. as ryox enters the starship, ben is being fired by the turrets of the starship. soon the starship escape the star system.ben then celebrates with his troopers. they have won the battle. YAVIN 4 as the christos starship is landing on yavin 4, 8 spider droids attack him. christos using force lighting manages to kill all droids. then 5 sith lords jump on him but christos kill them with his lightsaber skills. then as he enters the Separatist base a sith master tries to kill him. christos then after a short duel, force chokes to death the sith master. he then enters the main room and kill every one. Korriban darth raptor goes to his starship to fly to yavin 4. YAVIN 4 as christos killed everyone, darth raptors starship landed on yavin 4.darth raptor was like a droid dinosaure with lightsaber and dark jedi robe. raptor then attacked christos. christos with force lighting forced back raptor. but raptor saw a force vision to christos. darth raptor: here see what will happen to the galaxy if the republic win this war. then darth raptor saw christos Darth Malgus and the Sacking of Coruscant. then he saw him all the battles that the republic looses. darth raptor: come with me, and together we will unite the galaxy against the true sith. christos "shocked" replies. christos: yes my..... master darth raptor: good, very good. henceforth, you shall be known as darth rex. christos: thank you, my master darth raptor: first, i want you to go to the jedi academy on Dantooine. do what must be done, lord rex. do not hesitate. show no mercy. christos: yes my...master. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Revan sama Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Not bad at all ! Maybe I am exagerating, but you sound like a narrator in a theater. It's neither a good or a bad thing. So you can be at ease lol. Oh, also : christos socked replies. Socked replies?... Maybe I am wrong but... Socked mean : To hit or strike forcefully or maybe a punch. So it would mean christos hit replies? (Personal note to myself: like I am the one to talk about mistakes...) What exacly did you meant by "socked"? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christos200 Posted December 17, 2010 Author Share Posted December 17, 2010 ( revan sama i mean that he was suprised by this and very sad and didn't want that thing to happen. something like when darth vader in ep 3 learns that he killed padme.) edit: thanks for posting. i hope you will like the next part. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Revan sama Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 ( revan sama i mean that he was suprised by this and very sad and didn't want that thing to happen. something like when darth vader in ep 3 learns that he killed padme.) Oh I see, then maybe it's better to say that he was "shocked" = To strike with great surprise and emotional disturbance. Or so I think... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christos200 Posted December 17, 2010 Author Share Posted December 17, 2010 Dantooine christos knowing the code deactivates the shield of Dantooine. then with 4 battalions of droids head to the jedi academy with evil intentions. a jedi master then goes at him. jedi master: what are you doing? rex then force chokes him and orders the droids to attack the jedi. in the night sky of Dantooine there is only fire and smoke. meanwhile nick who is with his friend john see the fire. nick: oh my, the sith are attacking. john: i have a bad feeling about this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Canaan Sadow Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 It's well written. However... I would make your chapters/scenes a little bit longer if possible. Rather than hving 80 posts of chapters/scenes it'd better to have one long one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
christos200 Posted December 17, 2010 Author Share Posted December 17, 2010 Kael'thas Solo i know that is a bit short but some people like reading small posts because the large ones sometimes bore you ( also i am bored whriting long posts:)) thanks for your kind words. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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