Junior™ Posted August 24, 2002 Share Posted August 24, 2002 How do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back? -A stick Thank you, thank you... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted August 25, 2002 Author Share Posted August 25, 2002 knock knock who there? boo boo who no need to cry! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Junior™ Posted August 25, 2002 Share Posted August 25, 2002 Hehe. How do you call a guitarist with really poor skills? -A Bassist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Knight Posted August 25, 2002 Share Posted August 25, 2002 What do you call a trekky? Femalely-impaired Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
teutonicknight Posted August 25, 2002 Share Posted August 25, 2002 Hee, these are all funny:D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gorganfloss Posted August 26, 2002 Share Posted August 26, 2002 Prob already been said and it kinda sux... Three guys are walkins down the street. One of them walks into a bar. The other two duck. Buh-Dum-Shhh Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JerAir1587249581 Posted August 26, 2002 Share Posted August 26, 2002 Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, and Bill Clinton were in an airplane. Abraham Lincoln dropped an apple out of the window and parachutes out. He hears a boy crying and says kid, why are you crying? the boy says an apple came out of nowhere and hit me on the head! So the same thing happened but it was George Washington who threw a brick out of the window so he paracutes down and the kid cries and says a brick hit me on the head!! so then Bill Clinton threw a bomb out the window and paracutes down and hears a kid laughing. He asks why he is laughing and the kid says: My dad Farted and the house blew up!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kyth'emos Posted August 27, 2002 Share Posted August 27, 2002 A teacher asks her kindergarten students did over the weekend: Teacher: So sally what did you do this weekend ? Sally: I went to see my grannie. Teacher: No you went to see your grandmother, use big poeple words. Tommy what did you do over the weekend ? Tommy: I rode on a choo-choo Teacher: No you rode a train, use big people words. Billy what did you do this weekend ? Billy: I read winnie the Sh!t. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reb Starblazer Posted August 27, 2002 Share Posted August 27, 2002 An airplane was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, said, I'm Kobe Bryant, The best NBA Basketball player, the Lakers need me, I can't afford to die." So he took the first pack and left the plane. The second passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, "I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am the most ambitious woman in the world, I am also a New York Senator and a potential future President." She just took the second parachute and jumped out of the plane. The third passenger, George W Bush, said, "I'm President of the United States, I have a great responsibility being the leader of a superpower state. Above all I'm the most cleverest President in American history, American people won't let me die". So he put on the pack next to him and jumped out of the plane. The fourth passenger, an Old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 10 year old boy, "I am old, frail and I don't have many years left. You're still young and have plenty of good years left, so I'll let you have the last parachute". The boy looked up at the man, smiled and said "It's OK mister, there's still a parachute left for you. America's most cleverest President ever just jumped out of the plane wearing my backpack." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
access_flux Posted August 27, 2002 Share Posted August 27, 2002 What happens when a clown farts? It smells funny! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Talliusc Posted August 27, 2002 Share Posted August 27, 2002 ok so theres this church being built in a rather small neighborhood. among the people of the neighborhood are 3 couples: 80 year olds, middle ageds and newlyweds. they are all of the same religion as the church and want to be able to pray there every sunday, so they all go to apply at the church as it is being built. the minister of the church says: yes, you may all enter the church every sunday IF you can restrain yourselves and not give in to sex for one whole month. and god will know if you lie" the three couples agree to return in one months time. a month later: the elderly couple returns early morning on sunday to the church and the minister asks them "did you refrain from sex for the past month?" the elderly man replies "havent done it in 30 years, one more month didnt really hurt hehe" the minister says "too much information, but you did as i asked and may now enter the church each sunday. later that morning the middleaged couple arrives "did you manage to refrain from sex for the past month?" the woman replies "it was difficult but we managed, some things are more important then sex" the minister welcomes them into the church. around lunchtime the minister sees the newlyweds arrive. "did you manage to refrain from sex for the past month?" the man, obviously saddened replies "im sorry sir, but all was going well until.... well i saw my wife bending over to pick up a can of paint and i just had to have her right there" "well im sorry my son, but you are hereby banned from this church for the rest of your lives" "yeah" says the man "same with the home depot" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kit fisto JK Posted August 27, 2002 Share Posted August 27, 2002 Originally posted by gorganfloss Prob already been said and it kinda sux... Three guys are walkins down the street. One of them walks into a bar. The other two duck. Buh-Dum-Shhh I posted that the other day a bunch of stormies are marching down a hall one stormy runs into the door the others duck Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gorganfloss Posted August 27, 2002 Share Posted August 27, 2002 lol:rolleyes: I must have missed that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JerAir1587249581 Posted August 29, 2002 Share Posted August 29, 2002 A boy was in 1st grade and his teacher gives him an assignment. Teacher: I need you to learn some new words for the assignment. Boy: Ok. After school the boy walks home and goes into his sister's room while she's talking on the phone. Boy: I need to learn a new word for school. Sister: (On the phone) Shut up, girl! Boy: Thanks. The boy goes into his big brother's room while his big brother is listening to music. Boy: I need to learn a new word for school. Big brother: (Listening to music) Oh yeah!, oh yeah! Boy: Thanks. The boy walks into the living room while his little brother is watching TV. Boy: I need to learn a new word for school. Little brother: (Watching Batman) Batman! Boy: Thanks. The boy walks into the parent's room while his grandpa is watching football on TV. Boy: I need to learn a new word for school. Grandpa: (Watching football) Forty-nine! Forty-nine!(yard line) Boy: Thanks. The boy walks into the kitchen while his mom is cooking. Boy: I need to learn a new word for school. Mom: (Cooking hot dog buns) My buns are burning! My buns are burning! Boy: Thanks. The next day the teacher asks the boy what are the words he learned. Boy: Shut up, girl Teacher: Do you want to go to the princaple? Boy: Oh yeah!, oh yeah! Teacher: You're going to the princaple! Princaple: Who do you think you are? Boy: Batman! Princaple: How many spankings do you want? Boy: Forty-nine! Forty-nine! After his spankings he comes out of the princaple's office. Boy: My buns are burning! my buns are burning! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cal_da_Darth Posted August 29, 2002 Share Posted August 29, 2002 LOL. Where do people come up with these things... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JerAir1587249581 Posted August 29, 2002 Share Posted August 29, 2002 All of these jokes were told to my by friends.. but I dunno where they got 'em Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zworqy Posted August 29, 2002 Share Posted August 29, 2002 Why are there 17 blondes waiting outside the bar? Because you have to be 18 to enter... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted September 8, 2002 Author Share Posted September 8, 2002 why did captain kirk flush the toilet twice? to get rid of the klingons i just remembered that one while sitting on the toilet Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth-Nasty Posted September 8, 2002 Share Posted September 8, 2002 Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day. Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so St. Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?" The first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell-but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge, and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in. The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full, and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here." Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death. The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story. "Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted September 8, 2002 Author Share Posted September 8, 2002 that's a good one Nasty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth-Nasty Posted September 8, 2002 Share Posted September 8, 2002 i cant take any credit i just copied and pasted from a joke site as im sure everyone guessed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth-Nasty Posted September 8, 2002 Share Posted September 8, 2002 A couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course lined with million-dollar houses. On the third tee, the husband said, "Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball. Don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix." The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. The husband cringed and said, "I told you to watch out for the houses. All right, let's go up there, apologize, and see how much this is going to cost." They walked up and knocked on the door. A voice said, "Come on in. They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, "Are you the people who broke my window?" "Uh, yeah. Sorry about that," the husband replied. "No, actually, I want to thank you. I'm a genie who was trapped for a thousand years inside that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes -- I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself." "Okay, great!" the husband said. "I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem -- it's the least I could do. And you, what do you want?" the genie said, looking at the wife. "I want a house in every country of the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie replied. "And what's your wish, genie?", the husband said. "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't had sex with a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife." The husband looked at the wife and said, "Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care." The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, "How old is your husband, anyway?" "Thirty-five," she replied. "And he still believes in genies? ... That's amazing." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted September 8, 2002 Author Share Posted September 8, 2002 like that one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted September 17, 2002 Author Share Posted September 17, 2002 Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery * Oops! * Has anyone seen my watch? * That was some party last night. I can't remember when I've been that drunk. * Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing! * Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual? * OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature. * Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy. * Come back with that! Bad Dog! * Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that? * Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie * If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week. * Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before? * Damn, there go the lights again... * Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em. * Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens! * Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off. * I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses. * Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us. * Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right? * What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change! * What do you mean, he's not insured? * This patient has already had some kids, am I correct? * Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card? * Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough. * What do you mean "You want a divorce"! * I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice. * Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch" * That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that? * Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving. * Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards? * Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse! * FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out! * "Fire me, HUH?!" (thanks to obi-wan13 for that one) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gorganfloss Posted September 18, 2002 Share Posted September 18, 2002 Originally posted by SivyB * Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em. lol thats the funniest thing ever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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