Reborn Outcast Posted February 28, 2003 Share Posted February 28, 2003 Hey guys just tell me what you think!!! Comments and suggestions welcome!!! ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Chapter 1 Directly ahead, the marble-sized reddish ball blazed, providing an eerie glow to the interior of the ship drifting silently in space. In the void of space, one would not have been able to stare at the star but inside the ship, the intensity levels were well brought down by the viewports’ automatic sunshield protection. One could stare for hours at the star and not even have to avert their eyes. Which is exactly what Admiral Kharn was doing. “Where did it go wrong Captain?” Kharn snarled, backing away from the viewport and facing the wiry, pale man standing behind him. “Where did it go wrong?” repeated Kharn but this time with a far-off look in his piercing yellow eyes, almost as if he was commanding battles and winning back the glory of the Old Empire. “We had everything perfectly planned and working. Grand Admiral Thrawn, along with his armies, slowly pushing their way deeper and deeper into Rebel territory. The cloaking device and Spartii Cylinders each serving their purpose in the ultimate restoration of the grand Empire. Where did it all go wrong?” The captain, unsure of whether or not to speak, remained silent and motionless, for fear of turning Kharn’s wrath upon himself. He was tall and had skin that looked as if it had never seen sunlight for any amount of time over an hour. Right now, however, he was slumped down, curling himself as if it would avert the Admiral wrath. “Captain Torme, I asked you a question,” Kharn said, his voice like daggers to the ears of the captain. So much for staying out of it, thought Torme, the perspiration beginning to bead on his forehead. “Sir, I can honestly say that I do not know,” he replied, immediately wincing at the way the words came out. The bridge went silent, a deadly silence that seemed to chock out all other things there. The bridge crew hardly paid any more attention to it now for it was a common occurrence since the death of Grand Admiral Thrawn. Admiral Kharn had become increasingly moody, with fits of rage and periods of seemingly false cheerfulness. These fits would pass with time however as did a great many other things. The silence was broken by Torme trying once again, to answer the Admirals question. “Sir, if I may venture a guess,” said Torme, speaking with a purpose and certain dignity around him. “Perhaps it was Thrawn’s failure to control the Noghri that led to his ultimate and untimely downfall. It was, after all, his personal Noghri bodyguard that assassinated him.” “Yes Captain that may very well be it,” Kharn said, turning only for the second time from his stance at the bridge’s forward viewport. His piercing yellow eyes contrasted sharply with his pale skin and his high cheekbones resembled the late Grand Moff Tarkin strikingly. A man of medium height, he, nonetheless, conveyed a regal weight from long service to the Empire. “Although it could be otherwise. Perhaps it was his attitude or pride that led him directly to and past where Leia Organa Solo was hiding on the Noghri homeworld of Honoghr. She was the focal point of the rebellion by the Noghri that led to Thrawn’s death. She is the one reason that the Rebel Alliance still lives.” Kharn face had the look of a killer etched on it and his hands were closing and opening as if imagining them around Organa Solo’s neck. “Sir, I agree with you in all aspects of your assessment but there is nothing we can do right now,” Torme spoke. “The Empire is just to weak and the Rebel Alliance is getting stronger everyday from systems that are breaking free from us. Unless a miracle happens there is nothing we can do to stop them… or her,” he added as an afterthought. It had been a bold speech and he just hoped he wouldn’t lose his life for it. Khard, instead of pressing the button to summon the guards to arrest Torme of high treason for his questioning words, merely laughed. It was a harsh sounding laugh, not meant to be happy but meant to frighten. Torme was visibly shaken, as Kharm noted. Good, it was just the effect he had wanted. Now was the perfect time to reveal his plans. “But you see Captain, she is not out of our reach. In fact, she is closer than she has ever been to us. No, Captain, we will have her yet,” Kharm sadi, a broad, teethy smile stretching over his face. And once we do, the glory of the Empire will be revealed as we fight our way back to the top, destroying those cursed Rebels along the way. As for now,” he continued, the smile disappearing as quickly as a Jawa after angering a Krayt dragon, “set our course for this location.” Handing a data pad to Torme, Kharn turned away to again face out the viewport. Torme turned away to deliver the data pad when he caught the coordinates on it. “Sir,” he said, doing a double take and spinning back around. “Wayland? Why would we go there when all that’s left are memories?” “We are going for one simple reason.” Kharm said, not moving a muscle. “You forget that I had the ear of the Emperor a long time ago and I learned many dark secrets without his knowledge. Grand Admiral Thrawn apparently forgot something deep inside the caverns of Mount Tantiss. Something vitally important. Something that will crush the Rebel Alliance, once and for all.” ---------------------------------------------------------------- Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deft Aklin Posted February 28, 2003 Share Posted February 28, 2003 Most impressive. With a little cleaning of the flow and a couple changes to the verbage, I think it's a great beginning. Just for example, "teethy, smile", should be, "toothy grin". I honestly don't think teethy is even a word, but besides that, toothy just sounds better. Your plot has definite promise, I just hope you have already put thought into what they will find upon arrival as not doing such could cause a severe writers block when the time should come. Anyway, if you need any assistance I would be more than glad to help with wording or grammar. I think, if you are serious though, you should write a quick draft of a few hundred pages and get it copywrited. That way you can offer it as solicited material. Most publishers won't touch anything without a copywrite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
setsuko Posted February 28, 2003 Share Posted February 28, 2003 If something is like a lot of teeth, it is teethy. Since adjectives belongs to the open word class, you are pretty much free to invent words as you like. However, how to apply it to a sentence... beats me! (open word classes are verbs, nouns, adjectives and adverbs) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reborn Outcast Posted February 28, 2003 Author Share Posted February 28, 2003 Ah yes I looked it up and its toothy... Thanks Sidious! 2nd installment coming soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deft Aklin Posted March 3, 2003 Share Posted March 3, 2003 Not a problem RO, I would think to remind you that if you post it here and it is ever used for anything outside your permissions, you will most likely lose all rights as you are posting in a public forum. Just so you know. Intellectual property will only take you so far. All someone has to do is go through and correct any errors you make, change a few sentences and names, then it's theirs for the using. Not that I don't want to see what happens. If something is like a lot of teeth, it is teethy. Since adjectives belongs to the open word class, you are pretty much free to invent words as you like. However, how to apply it to a sentence... beats me! (open word classes are verbs, nouns, adjectives and adverbs) Doesn't that cover the entire English language Set? Just pointing out that your last comment, in parenthesis, declares every word in the English language basically as freeform. That doesn't even make sense. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
setsuko Posted March 4, 2003 Share Posted March 4, 2003 Again, you show great ignorance of the entity we know as a language, Mr. Darth_Sidious. And, again, we will see the public written bashing provided by the one and only know-it-all, Ms Setsuko, who has 40 university credits in english linguistics. Hehe, just kidding, but you'd think you'd have more sense than questioning me, right? (didn't joke about the credits, though!) Verbs, nouns, adverbs and adjectives are indeed a majority of the words you think of as actual words, but alone, they are NOT a language. And yes, they are freeform: as long as people understand you, it is a proper word. And if enough people use your word, it is a proper english word. After all, that's how all words in all languages came to exist: why would it be different in the 21th century? The closed word classes:*drumroll* is the magnificient group made out of, in order of appearance, prepositions (on, behind), interjections (ugh, grr), pronouns(he, she, theirs) and conjunctions (but, because). The expanded word class system adds numerals (five, third) and determiners (the), who are also closed word classes. Well, interjections are a special case, they act as a closed word class since you can't invent any. They practically all exist, though you might think you invented a new one. What can I say, grammar is a bitch. Without these close word classes, effective communication, and thereby the language, is impossible. So no, verbs, nouns, adverbs and adjectives are far from the whole language, though they are the "star players". But remember: the language doesn't exist because of anyone other than ourselves, so feel free to experiment with the rules and bend them as much as you want. As long as people understand you, you are doing the right thing. This has been done for thousands of years, and if people didn't break the rules all along, our languages would all be very restricted, and very dull. Oh, and again, your ass has been pWn3D by setsuko. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zendjir Posted March 4, 2003 Share Posted March 4, 2003 Noooooo, not more English lessons!! Great story reborn, where did you get your inspiration from? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
setsuko Posted March 4, 2003 Share Posted March 4, 2003 Originally posted by Zendjir Noooooo, not more English lessons!! *in her mad scientist voice* Oh, but you've only seen... the beginning! Bwahahahahahaa! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zendjir Posted March 4, 2003 Share Posted March 4, 2003 *Looks horrified *says, in a shaky voice: Your not gonna tell me that the purpose of the =A= armed forces is to teach english, right? Naaah, she cant be that evil Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
setsuko Posted March 4, 2003 Share Posted March 4, 2003 Hey, if I had to suffer things like verb complementation, present subjunctives and grammatical auxiliaries, then everyone else should too! Moahahaa! Next class: The definate article and proper nouns! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reborn Outcast Posted March 4, 2003 Author Share Posted March 4, 2003 Originally posted by Zendjir Great story reborn, where did you get your inspiration from? It just came to me... the only problem is... i've lost it for the time being. I've got a writers block. It'll come soon though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wraith 8 Posted March 4, 2003 Share Posted March 4, 2003 Originally posted by Zendjir Noooooo, not more English lessons!! To be on the internet is enough english class Zendjir... you should have seen my spelling 2 years back Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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