Sunshine Badass Posted April 19, 2003 Share Posted April 19, 2003 Here are some compilations of stories I have written... Please give me feedback on what I can improve! Here is the first one... This is a play taking ideas from many great things, shows, and people, and the majority of the content is my thinking. It is simply titled, "The Story, Yo" and is much more of a play. Hope this fits... "The Story, Yo" Donna be messin wit da story man/and/or woman. S-Sam M-Max Z-Zane R-Riccie T-Tom C-Priest L-Lady F-French Guy W-Whale P-Stinky Pete O1&O2-Orphans 1&2 N-Police Y-Your Mother E-Cabbie W-Forest Ranger K-Topless Woman AC-Air Conditioner L-Satan D-Taco Bell Dog G-Guard S1-S20-Sams 1-20 M1-M20-Maxs 1-20 Z1-Z20-Zanes1-20 A1-Green Man 1 A2-Green Man 2 A conglomerate of Ideas S- Hey Tom. What ya got there? T-It’s a worm. S-Looks like string to me. T-It IS a worm. M-Hey Sam. Your wife’s on the phone. S-I don’t even have a wife. M-She says she’s your wife. S-Well tell her I’m not here. M-You’re the boss. -Voice comes over speaker- R-Hello. S-Hi hun. How’s it going? R-Good. S-Well you wouldn’t believe it but there’s a giant space war going on…In space. R-Really? Do you like sulfur? S-It’s my favorite element hunny. You know that. R-Who should I sing to? You or… S-Look. I’ve uh… gotta go. R-Hmm…Okay. So who should I sing to? S-Look. I’ve really gotta go now. Bye. -Sam hangs up phone- Z-Ha haha-ha. That’s great. S-Now see here. I’ve got a hit song about a knife… and yes… I’m married. Z-Hmm… So- S-Just because I leave and I’m sexy doesn’t mean you can go and marry me the moment I leave the room. M-So you are married? S-Everything gets married. Even animals and spiders. And just because they don’t have fancy cakes, formal wear, or a priest doesn’t mean they’re not legally…married. Z-Yeah, well. I’ve got a friend coming by in about five minutes,so. S-What are ya gonna do? Z-Think we’re gonna go and smash lightbulbs over the dumpster. S-Well I’m coming with you! Z-No you’re not. S-Yes I am. Z-No, you’re not. S-Well why not? Z-Because you’re not my friend. S-Is your father still big into trains? Z-No. S-…Well what’s he big into now? Z-Maybe you should just run around or hide when he gets here. S-I’ll do no such thing. Z-Hey, look. He’s here. -Sam hides behind desk- -Speaker phone- R-Hi there. M- Hey, your wife’s here again. R-Do you like them? S-Of course. They’re my best friends. R-Really? S-Yes. Really. That’s why I married you… So I wouldn’t have them anymore. R-Really? S-Yes. R-That doesn’t make much sense. S-We’re married. It doesn’t have to. R-I have to use the toilet. S-You DO remember the difference between the toilet and the sofa don’t you? R-I think so. S-And remember how mad I got? R-Smells like… Bad eggs. S-Because that’s what happens when you boil the cushions of the couch you’ve been urinating on. R-Hmm… Well- S-And tell that French D.J., Tricky, to move out of my apartment. R-And what’s his name again. S-I don’t know. He’s your damn friend! R-But he makes all those children happy. S-…Oh, and don’t let anyone else in to listen to his new beats. R-But the children. S-Those aren’t children, they’re packets of cream cheese. R-I can’t differentiate between the two. You know that? S-I wish I’d known that while we were still dating. R-Where is Tricky? S-He’s living on the sofa… With the urine. R-So… S-Uh… I’m going to go smash glass with my friend, Zane. R-I think… I think you should stay… indoors. S-God! I feel like I’m in jail here! R-Uh… Yeah. S-Look. I need this for me! R-Well then. Enjoy… refreshing time. S-Refreshing what? R-Time. S-Well I will! R-Have fun. S-It’s time to go to sleep. R-Hmm? S-It’s time to go to sleep. Because that’s what it means to love a woman so much. R-What? S-Umm… Hun? R-Yes? S-I buried a present for you in the back yard. R-Really? S-Yes. R-Okay. -Phone hangs up- M-What did you bury? S-Her mother. M-Cool. S-No. It’s just a bagel, she started, calling mother. M-Hmm… S-Hey. Max. I’ve got this new Radio Head CD, and I was just wondering if I could use your CD burner. T-What are you doing there? -Sam whispers to Max- S-Is that the guy from, uh, Radio Head? M-Tom York? Yeah. You were talking to him earlier. S-Oh… Well, I want twenty copies of this. T-What? M-That’s not the CD burner. S-Hey Max. I want to show you something. M-What? S-Come here. -Max walks over to Sam- -Sam gets Max in a headlock- S-Look. I could go to jail for this. T-What? S-What? We’re talking about dragons. T-Dragons? S-Yes, dragons. M-Dude I’m telling you, that’s not the CD burner. S-Now Max. Get me twenty copies of these…These, dragons. T-What? S-Nothing. We’re talking about dragons. M-That is not the CD burner. S-Max. I can use my incredibly immense brain to reduce any machine to a simple yes… or no answer. M-But- S-Max… YES! Now go and distract Tom while I burn and verify these… -Sam looks at Tom over his shoulder- S-Dragons. M-Well whatever man. S-Yes! -Giant explosion- -Sam throws CD into flames- S-Twenty! T-Hello Max. M-Hello Tom. And welcome. T-Thank you very much Max. M-No, thank you Tom. For sitting next to the man! Of the century! T-You’re very much selfish. M-Well, now we shall fight with knives. Z-Yeah! To the death! M-Where’d you come from? Z-The dumpster. M-Well… Z-I feel empty. T-I don’t understand. -Sam is in the background- S-No. Z-I need what Sam’s got. I need a woman. S-No…No!.. NO!!! Z-One I can sell her organs to Black Sabbath. S-No. Z-Make me some money. S-NO! -Giant explosion- -Machine flames by- -Sam comes back in- S-That thing wasn’t even a CD burner to begin with. What are you doing with that knife, Max? M-Umm… Nothing. S-You were going to fight to the death with Tom weren’t you? M-Uh…Nope. S-Tom? Did he threaten to fight to the death? T-No. S-Because I think it would be a great idea. M-Hey, your wife’s on the phone again. S-Tell her I blew up, and it was really sad… and the last thing I said was to make sure she moves out of my condo. M-Too late. R-Hi. -Riccie is not wearing any clothes- -It is a video phone- S-Hey, hunny. You’re different. R-Yeah. Only for a while. S-Hmm… Another space war if you can believe it. R-Oh? S-Yeah. And this time it’s out by the dumpster. Hopefully, this will mean peace. R-I think you should stay away from the dumpster. S-Well I’m going whether you like it or not. R-Well, thanks for inviting me. S-You’re welcome. I didn’t. R-I’m going to bed now. S-It’s only 4PM! You’d better not be cheating on me with Tricky. R-No. S-Well don’t count on us ever getting married again! R-Bye. S-Tom! Are you still here? T-Yes. S-Well don’t be! T-Whatever. S-Get out! T-See ya. -Tom leaves- Z-Now look what you did. You made him leave. S-Like Hell I did! Z-He has your keys. S-What? M-Yeah. Go after him! Z-Hurry. -Sam leaves- M-Now we can change all the locks so he’ll never get in his house again. Z-I’m going after him. -Out by the dumpster- S-Hey. Where’s all the glass? Z-Broke it all. S-Well here. Let’s break these boxes down so they’ll store proper. Z-That’s boring. S-You don’t know from fun. This is responsible. Z-That’s stupid. S-Like Hell it is! Z-Okay stop that. S-Is it getting old? Z-Yes. S-Like Hell it is! Z-Right. I’m going inside. -Zane goes inside and shuts the door- S-Hey! Who changed the locks? -Max and Zane snicker- S-You guys get out here right now and fix this! C-…and in sickness and in health… R-I do. S-I’m only doing this to get a place to live, you know. -two weeks later- S-♫Gonna show Max, this thing I have… Gonna show Max, this thing I have…♫ M-Three hours till I go to work… Yup… Three hours. -Max is in a swimming pool- -Sam is driving a go-kart and holding some ray gun looking thing over his head with an extension cord coming out of it- S-♫Gonna show Max, this thing I have… Gonna show Max, this thing I have…♫ M-Yup… three hours. No work for three hours. -Max stretches out and relaxes in pool- -Sam drives up- S-Hey Max… Check this out! -Sam turns on ray gun looking thing- -heat waves come out and whirring noise starts- M-Is that a blow drier? S-Yeah. Just got it. Cool, huh? M-You idiot! That’s dangerous! S-Yeah! It’s got a diffuser! M-Can you hear me? Turn that thing off! S-Sorry. Couldn’t hear you! This thing’s too loud! M-Can’t you see I’m in a body of water? S-Yeah! You can see it! -Sam throws hair drier into pool- -sparks fly and water glows with electricity- -Max passes out and sinks- -the lights are out- -two pairs of round eyes glow in the darkness- -Max’s voice and some young lady’s voice- L-Why won’t you kiss me there? M-Where am I? L-Hello? I’m talking to you! M-Hope I’m not late for work. -lights come on- -two fish are there; on is Max- M-Man. This is crazy. L-Fine Jerk Face! I’m leaving! -other fish swims off- M-I’ve gotta find out what time it is. -harpoon hits Max- M-Ouch! That hurt! -net flies over Max- -French guy swims up- F-Ha ha! None can escape the hunting finesse of, Dubier LaEleaphonse! M-Hey dude. Do you know what time it is? F-Huh? A talking fish? Well sock me blue! M-Let me go and I’ll grant you three wishes. F-No! I shall sell you for lot’s of money! M-Well then… this about the time I do… THIS! F-Wha- -Max explodes in flames and bubbles- -French guy is astonished- -Sam and Zane are in a submarine- Z-They’re thinking of removing you from command. S-Why? Z-They say you are crazy. Incapable of leading. S-Well I’d like to see them try to remove me! Z-I’m just saying- S-No matter what you say! Come On! -submarine moves up to boat on the surface- -submarine drops toxic oil barrel into ocean- -oil barrel lands on bottom next to Max- M-Holy crap! They’re polluting the ocean. W-Yes. The average fish contains ten times more Mercury these days. M-Yeah, but… the ocean. W-Man and their polluting machines of destruction. M-Dude… The ocean? W-Would you eat a rectal thermometer? Would you? M-No way man! That’s nasty! W-I would. -Whale eats Max- W-Ah, Mercury. Sweetest of the transition metals. -Max is a little fat boy now- -Max wakes up inside whale- M-Damn it! Now how will I get to work on time? P-Dunno man. But I’ve been here for twenty-six minutes. I haven’t found a way out yet. M-Well I’ve gotta get to work in three hours. P-Man. I am Stinky Pete. I’ve got my own show. As do you. You’re Chubby Cox, the fast and up coming child porn star. -Stinky Pete is a sea lion- -a brown one- M-Hmm… Well I’ve got to get out of here. P-There is no way out. M-How should you know? You’ve only been here for twenty-six minutes. Plus you’re a freakin’ sea lion. So ha! Two for me, none for you. P-What? All this mercury must be making you crazy. Just look at this… Rectal thermometers everywhere. -Max lights a fire- M-This will work… This will work… This WILL work… -Max’s voice slowly warps and transforms into Sam’s voice- -Max comes to- S-This will work. -Sam has medical paddles; Sam rubs them together- M-What are you doing? S-Saving your life, dude. You should be grateful. M-You’re the one who tried to kill me in the first place! S-No dude. ..Save… You! -Sam drops paddles into pool- M-No! -Water glows with electricity- -Max passes out and sinks- -now there are orphans- O2- Hey. Look at this. -Orphan two has a magazine- -Orphans have a British accent- O1-What is it? O2-A Modest Proposal. O1-About what? O2-Eating babies. O1-…Oh Really? O2-… O1-So? O2-…No. O1-Then what is it? O2-A contest in a magazine. O1-What contest? O2-This is a good one. O1-Well go on. O2-You’ll like this one. O1-Really? O2-Oh, yes. O1 Get on with it then. O2-It’s a baby eating contest. Like pies… Only babies. O1-That’s gross. O2-It wasn’t earlier. O1-It hadn’t sunk in yet. O2-Dripping with sauce! Succulent ribs; meat falling OFF the BONE! O1-You sick fatherless child! O2-You mean… Bast- O1-Yes. O2-Well I guess it IS true. O1-Technically. O2-Yes O1-What’s the real contest? O2-Win a date that up and coming child porn star. O1-That fat kid? O2-Yes. Chubby Cox. O1-I wouldn’t touch Chubby Cox with a ten inch pole. O2-We don’t date him. We kidnap him and hold him for ransom. Get rich. O1-Yeah. I see it now. -Orphan two pulls out notebook- O2-Dear chubby Cox. You should go out with me because I live in an underwater orphanage. There are cameras everywhere because we like to light fires, but you could use them for your movies. It would help both of us if you caould pick me as the winner. You know. Fix the contest. *WINK* *WINK.* Sincerely yours, Orphan Two O1-Oh yes! We’re rich. O2-And now we wait. -insert Jim and Huck Essay (waiting page) here- -Max comes to again- S-Hey dude. Check out this bitchin’ home made Tesla Coil. -a potato is plugged in between two rods generating electricity; the rods are connected to a power box that reads: “Bitchin’ Coil”- M-You ARE trying to kill me!” S-This is for changing the locks and forcing me to really marry that boose-wench of a wife of mine who is so delirious she doesn’t even know children from cream cheese! M-Dude. Calm… Down… S-No! YOU calm down! M-What? That doesn’t even- -Sam drops Tesla Coil into pool- -sparks fly and the water glows with electricity- -Max passes out and sinks- -Sam stares into nothingness- -the corner of Sam’s mouth slowly curls up into a smile- Z-What the Hell are you doing? S-They called me crazy. Incapable of leading! Z-You ARE incapable. S-YOU’RE incapable! Z-They were right. Oh God, no! -Zane screams like a sissy- S-You fell right into my trap. Z-What trap? I came out here for some swimming. Swimming dude. Hey… Why’s the water glowing? S-You want to know? I’ll show you who wants to know! -Sam pulls out a mirror and shows Zane- Z-Yes! I’m like an otter. A SEXY little otter. S-Soon to be a dead SEXY little otter! -Sam pushes Zane into pool- -Zane passes out and sinks- S-That was for the marriage I promised myself I’d never have again! -police pull up- N-You’re under arrest for the murders of Max and Zane. -Sam smiles- -Sam pushes police into pool- Z&M-Help! Help! We’re not dead. Help us! -Sam pulls Max and Zane out of pool- -Sam, Max, and Zane clap hands- M-Those police never saw it coming. S-Yeah. Never. Z-Why did we do that? S-What is THIS!? M-That would be mutiny, Sam. Z-There will be no mutiny on my ship. S-Your ship? This is MY ship. M-Yeah. Sam’s ship. Z-What ship? S-Shut up! -Zane and Max boogey- S-Hey! Stop dancing! Dancing is forbidden! No, seriously. I do command it! -Sam pushes them into the pool as Bitchin’ Coil rises to the surface- S-So that’s where I left that thing. Here coil. Here coil. Come to daddy. -Sam leans out to get it- -Stinky Pete comes up behind Sam, along with the orphans, Chubby Cox, and the Whale- -They all push Sam into the pool- S-No! You little- -Sam passes out and sinks- -Sam, Max, and Zane wake up- Z-Where are we? M-God damn it! We’re I that whale again. S-By what do you just think you mean when I hear you say ‘again?’ Z-Ah! Rectal thermometers everywhere! Get ‘em off! Get ‘em off! Ahhh! -Zane runs into the wall of the whale- S-Well great. I’m stuck here with two losers who claim these are,” Sam clears his throat, “inappropriate thermometers. M-That’s what they are. S-No. These are…Umm…These are…ahh…hmm…Let me think. -Sam chews on end of thermometer in deep thought- M-Dear God, man. You’re eating that… With your face! S-Ah! -Sam throws thermometer- P-Ouch. S-What was that? Z-We’re not alone. P-Hey. Hey…Hey…What are you up to? S-None of your business little seal. P-For your information, I happen to be a- M-Shut up! P-No. Z-Yes. P-Why don’t you make me? S-I will. -Sam, Max, and Zane grab thermometers- P-What are you doing with those? Z-Hold still little seal? S-What the Hell you askin’ it like a question for? M-Careful Sam. Or he will suck out your brains? S-They’re under the power of the seal! P-Frickin’ sea lion, dude. Just listen! S-No… P-Don’t make me call Your Mother. S-I have no mother. P-Yes you do. S-Prove it. Z&M-Lets eat him? S-Yes… Lets. P-No. Don’t eat me. Don’t get me mad! -Pete dials phone number- S-Get him. M-Wait…Who’s that one the phone? Z-One? p-Don’t come any closer I’m warning you. S-Give me that phone. M-I said, on? Z-No. One? S-Both of you just shut up. P-… S-Hey… He passed out. Z-Get the phone. S-You get the phone. M-Fine. I’ll get the phone. -Max picks up the phone- Y-Thise is Your Mother. M-You’re not MY mother. Y-I have kidnapped Zane. M-What have you done with him? Y-I have taken him to… Someone’s apartment. M-What? Y-That’s right. And I am making… Unreasonable demands! M-No! How could you? Y-Clean your room. M-No. Y-Make your bed. M-Never! Y-Drink your juice. M-You can’t run my life anymore! -Max hangs up- S-Who was that? M-Your Mother. S-I don’t HAVE… one of those. Z-A mother. S-She is NOT my mother. M-She’s YOUR Mother. -Max points at Stinky Pete- Z-Lets eat him. -They roast Stinky Pete- Z-Lets not eat him. P-Oww… Happy New Year S-Quiet you. -Sam threatens Pete with a rectal thermometer- Z-Hey… No… We don’t slaughter the sea lions. S-It’s not like that Zane. We was just talkin’. Ain’t that right Pete? -Pete nods- S-I’m glad we see eye to eye. Z- Lets blow this whale of a Popsicle stand. -Zane grabs Popsicle- M-Rectal thermometer, Zane! Z-Ah! Get it off me! Get it off me! -Sam and Max fight off the thermometer- Z-Thanks dudes. M-It wasn’t even on you man. S-Lets get out of here. Z-Yeah. M-Check this out. -Max explodes- S-What the? Z-His brain and sexual organs are made of M-80’s. S-Well that explains a lot of things. -Sam pulls out Bitchin’ Coil- Z-Lets go. -Sam electrow electrou electrou electrocutes the whale- -water rushes into the whale- Z-Bad idea, dude. P-Now you wish you’d been nicer to me, huh? S-I have no regrets. Z-Wasn’t I kidnapped earlier? -Zane disappears to… Someone’s apartment- S-Damn you guys! Leaving me stranded in the ocean inside of a whale! -ATV Taxi pulls into whale- E-Hop in. S-Thanks. To my apartment, please. -Cab speeds off- E-Here you are. Your apartment. S-Thanks man. -Cabbie clears throat- S-Oh yeah. -Sam pulls out wad of cash and hands it to the cabbie- -Sam runs off and dives into bushes- E-Hey! This is Funland money! S-Yeah! Everyone’s a winner! E-When I get my hands on you! S-Shield! E-Damn! Every time I save someone from the whale… S-You should give up. E-I should give up… S-And pay me fifty dollars for the tip… E-And pay you fifty dollars for the… Wait a minute. Why you little! S-Ah! -Sam cowers in bush- E-I’m gonna murderize you! -Cabbie falls in hole- S-Yes! Sucka… Heh heh heh. E-What the? Get me out of here! S-No. E-Oh, nuts. S-Hey, watch it. E-Sorry. I mean… Ah, nuts. S-Now to go inside. -loud sounds and voices coming from window- S-My TV! Y-Heh heh, oh… S-Give me my TV! Y-Take out the trash. S-No. Y-Lift the lid. S-Never! Y-Get ready for work. S-You can’t run my life anymore! Y-I am Your Mother. S-Your not MY mother. Y-Zane is being held in… Someone’s apartment. S-Someone, eh? Y-Yes. I am Your Mother. S-…Well. Y-I will throw Zane out the window unless you meet my…unreasonable demands! S-Whatever. Just don’t touch the TV or your -king dead. Y-Zane is coming out. S-Seriously. Describe to me… what is on. On the TV Y-Here he comes. S-I have the keys. It is my apartment. M-Uh-oh. He’s coming up here. -Max is dressed as Your Mother- Z-He has the keys. M-It is his apartment. Z-We gotta hide. -Sam gets to apartment- -Max and Zane are hiding under lampshades- -TV is on- S-Now where are they? M-Idiot. S-What was that? I don’t remember… Having… Talking lamps… -On the TV there is the Dead Dog Clown Circus Marathon- S-Hey. The Dead Dog Circus Marathon. -Sam sits down- -Sam watches marathon- -forty-eight hours pass- S-Man. That was some good Dead Dog Clown Circus. M-I can’t stand this any longer! S-The lamps are out of… Place. -Sam looks around- S-This must not be my apartment. -Sam leaves- M-We’re finally free. Z-Lets start a band. M-Yeah. And sell royalties to Sweden. Z-We can call ourselves… Freedom. M-That’s lame. Z-It’s insightful. M-No. It is not. Zwell… what would you call us? M-Umm… Tight Wads. Z-Yeah, we are cheap. M-No… Stupid. Our band name. Z-Yes. ‘Band’ name. M-Always think ahead. -Max pulls out uniforms- M-Here. Put this on. Z-Dude. Aren’t these a little revealing? M-You’re wearing it backwards… And the fly is open. Z-Oh, makes sense. I guess. -Zane continues wearing it backwards- -Max rolls his eyes- M-See my thumb? Z-No. Am I supposed to? M-Gee, you’re dumb. Z-Lets just do this thing. M-Right. -Max dons uniform- -Max pulls out electric guitar- -Max jams- M-Now your turn. -Zane pulls out electric keyboard- -Zane plays classical techno- M-No, no. You’re doing it all wrong. -lights go out- -TV goes out- Z-Power’s out. M-You sucked up all the juice… Loser Z-No… I blew the fuses mind. M-You ARE a loser. Z-Lets just make prank phone calls. M-There it is. Z-The phone. -Zane picks up phone- -Zane Max dials a number- -phone rings- -Sam answers- S-Hello? -crowd is booing in the background- -Zane makes waffles- Z-Yes. This is the Dirty Waffle Grandma. S-I thought I told you never to call me here. -crowd grows louder as explosions sound in the distance- Z-I have your Japanese miniature Pekinese. S-What is that? A dog of some kind? Z-Uh, yes. Yes it is… a… one of those. S-Well I don’t have a dog, Ms. Grandma. Sorry. Z-You do now. S-So then. What time should I pick him up? Z-Her. S-Her? Z-Yes. S-Last time I checked, “she” was a guy. Z-We haven’t given you the dog yet. S-Hm? Z-We, are holding… the dog, hostage. S-Dog-nappers? Z-Yes. Dog-nappers. S-Give me back my dog! Z-Can’t get back what you never owned. -Zane hangs up- M-I can’t believe you choked. Z-Yeah. I really messed that one up. M-Give that. -Max takes phone- -Zane dials a number- -nasal lisped voice- W-Hello. How may I help you? M-I’d like to report a fire I started a couple hours ago. W-Oh, the cute little squirrels! -Max and Zane chortle- W-Where is the fire? M-Right behind a small hut marked, “Forest Ranger.” W-Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God! M-Get the forest ranger! W-I am the forest ranger! M-Guess you’re screwed then, bye. -Max hangs up- -giant gorilla jumps into apartment- Z-Holy crap, man! A gorilla! M-Stay back. It’s got hair spray! -gorilla sprays TV- -hair grows on TV- -Sam bursts into room- S-My TV! Wait a minute… This isn’t even my apartment. -Sam leaves- Z-Man, it’s dark in here. M-Your crap classical techno ruined our band. Z-That’s it! I am getting my jam board, and I am starting my own band. -gorilla continues spraying stuff- -hairy jungle grows in apartment- -gorilla moves on to Max and Zane threateningly- M-He’s gonna hair us! -Zane jams- -gorilla dances- M-You’ve tamed the beast with your techno jam of joy! -gorilla sprays Max- M-Oh, crap! I’ve been haired! -long hair grows from Max, like a rock star- M-Hey… You know… This looks good. -Max fluffs hair- -gorilla jumps around room in the background- M-Ok… Here’s the plan. You know Trudy’s across the street… from here? Z-The hair salon? M-Yes… Now I am goin’ ova’ der’ an’ gittin’ me a perm. Got it? Z-I don’t see how this helps us get rid of the gorilla. M-Doesn’t matter. The gorilla’s in the past now. Z-No it’s not. It’s breaking stuff. -gorilla smashes cabinets- -gorilla rips open bag of Jet Puff Marshmallows- -gorilla swallows marshmallows- -gorilla’s cheeks puff up- M-Just let go man. Gorilla has left our lives… But only after touching them the way only a gorilla could. Z-But- -Max shakes his head- M-No. -gorilla still chews marshmallows- M-Now. I’ll be back in forty-five minutes. Can I leave you alone for that long. Z-Mm-hmm… M-Good. -Max heads for door- -Max steps around gorilla- M-Excuse me, sir. -gorilla is dressed as a janitor- -Max eyes nametag- M-Janitor Gustav. -gorilla tips hat, still chewing marshmallows- -gorilla starts to sweep and clean up mess- Z-Hey… Ah… You… Uh, missed a spot there, sir. -Zane points to corner- -gorilla rips off uniform, revealing wrestling tights- -gorilla pounds chest and hollers- -gorilla grabs Zane’s arm and twists him into a Figure Four leg lock, followed by a Boston Crab- -Zane screams- -forty-seven minutes pass- M-What’s going on here? 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Sunshine Badass Posted April 19, 2003 Author Share Posted April 19, 2003 And here is the REST... of the story. Go Paul Harvey. -gorilla is dozing- -Zane is still in Boston Crab- Z-Little help here? M-Sure thing, good buddy. -Max pulls Zane free- Z-Don’t ask, but the gorilla is my biological great-grandmother. M-I told you… The gorilla is in the past. Get over it. I know how much you loved it. Z-The gorilla is right there! -Max backs off- M-…Right. -Great permed fro bounces on Max’s head- -gorilla wakes up, perks head, looks around frantically- -gorilla stands up and roars at Zane and Max- Z-Lets get out of here! M-Wait…Lets see what it does. Z-It’s going to kill us! M-Just hang on. I want to see how this turns out. -Max leans forward in thinking man’s pose- -gorilla rushes Max- -Max continues to stare- -Zane covers face- -gorilla speeds up- -Max ponders- Z-It’s gonna kill- -Max holds up a hand to quiet Zane- -gorilla starts to vanish- -gorilla vanishes and leaves behind Jet Puffs- M-Ha ha! I knew it! Z-Knew what? M-That the ventrical force of gravity… with the added weight and velocity of the Jet Puff marshmallows… destroyed the gorilla utterly. Z-Does utterly destroyed mean… Nothing happened to it? M-No. Why? Z-The gorilla is still there. -gorilla smiles- M-No it’s not. Z-The fro must be hindering your ability to think. We must go to the beach and frolic among the scantily clad topless women. Where hair rules no one! M-Awright! Topless beach! Woo! -Max and Zane drive to topless beach- -Sam is in the trunk- S-Heh heh. -car hits immense pothole- S-Doh! -car goes over cliff above beach- -car smashes into the ocean, creating a giant vortex, sucking topless women into it- S-The world’s topless women supply. We must stop the vortex! M-Later. My laundry is done. -Max and Zane go to Laundromat- Z-So where’s the laundry? M-In that dryer. Would ya go in and get it for me? Z-Anything for you, my little pop-in-fresh. M-Just do it. Z-Righto. -Zane climbs into drier- Z-Hey… There’s no clothes in here. You said there’d be clothes. Where are the clothes, Max? M-Just keep looking. -Max closes drier door and turns on hi heat spin cycle- Z-Help! M-No can do, good buddy. -three days pass- Z-Help! M-Sure. -Max pulls Zane out- Z-Finally. -Zane’s body is rippling with electricity- M-Uh… Zane… You’re, uh… glowing. Z-Cool. -Max and Zane go back to beach- S-What’s up with him? M-Got stuck in the drier. S-And you forgot to use a drier sheet? The Second Story, Yo. The Vortex M-Yeah. It’s all good. S-But Zane is glowing. Z-Uh, guys. The vortex. M-Oh yeah. The topless women supply! Oh no! -the votex continues sucking up topless women- S-Quick! We can stop it. Get the balloon. -Max pulls out balloon and pump- -Max pumps balloon to one-hundred yards in diameter- -balloon floats up- S-Now rub Zane on it to build static charge. M-Max. S-Yes. You’re Max. M-Right. And remove his brains. S-So he’ll float. Good thinking. M-Yeah… float. You know? That is good thinking. Z-You can’t remove my brain. I need that for doing stuff. -Sam and Max remove Zane’s brain- S-Now roll him in the broken shards of glass. -they roll Zane in the glass- S-Now put him in the ocean. -balloon floats out to sea- -Zane is thrown into the ocean- -riptide carries Zane out- S-Now use your static charge to attract the balloon. M-And pop it with the glass shards. Z-Do what to the what now? S-Attract the balloon… And pop it! Z-Do what to the what now? M-*Sigh* Pop the balloon! Z-Do what to the what now? S-Forget it. M-I have a better idea. S-What? Z-Do what to the what now? M-We’ll get one of the remaining topless women to wear on of Madonna’s Spear Braziers™ and pop the balloon as she’s sucked into the vortex. Z-Do what to the what now? S-Right. -Sam and Max grab a topless woman- S-Put this on! Z-Do what to the what now? T-Sorry. But it’s against my… Sexy religion. M-Sexy religion this! -Max forces brazier onto woman- S-There. Now be sucked… By the vortex! Z-Do what to the what now? M-Excellent. -woman lfts off and hurtles in the general vicinity of the inflated object- S-Now pop it! M-Or get your incredibly immense ass stuck in it. Whatever. -Woman clogs vortex- -problem is solved- -five minutes later, on the drive back to the apartment- S&M&Z-Where are we? AC-You’re in Hell. S-Ah! Malaysia! AC-No. M-Yeah, man. Hell. We’re in Hell. Z-Hmm… Hell? AC-Yes. Hell is a wholly owned subsidiary of Taco Bell®Corp. S-Wow. Z-I knew I detected a hint of Satany goodness in the Fire Sauce.™ M-Yeah. And how quickly Taco Bell® conformed into a series of brothels and strip joints. S-I never noticed. Z-Come now. You were working there. AC-Taco Bell® Corp. is so sneaky. And successful. Z-I wish I had Taco Bell® right now. S-You were just at the topless beach, Zane. Z-But… M-No, Zane. Z-But my… S-No. -Zane cries- AC-Why is he crying? S-What the Hell? A talking air conditioner! M-Wait… Is it more politically correct to say, “What the Hell?” or “What the Taco Bell®?” AC-Uh…Um…damn it? No! Damn it! -AC disappears from the mortal world- Z-Showed its ass! S-Yeah, baby! M-Never saw it coming, did it? S-Nope. M-I’m hungry. S-Let’s go to Taco Bell®! Z-But isn’t it? M-Oh! Almost forgot. -Max pulls out Zane’s brain- M-Here ya go. S-Uh, how is he talking coherently without a brain? M-Beats the Taco Bell® out of me. S-So you don’t need your brain, Zane? Z-Guess not… M-You know… He actually seems smarter without it. S-You’re right. My, my. What a waist of brain. Z-So, about Taco Bell®. -Later, at Taco Bell®- S-Should I have the bean burrito with cheddar or swiss? M-Who cares? You’ve been here for too long. S-Two hours is a perfectly acceptable order time, okay? M-Whatever. -Sam orders- S-I’ll have the bean burrito with cheddar, but I’m on a diet, so take half that and shove it up your ass. And I’ll have some chicken fingers, but since I’m watching my figure, just give me ten strips. Take five of those, and shove them up your ass. Oh, and I’ll have an extra large chocolate shake, but I’m losing weight; take half that shake and… Oh, be creative. Wait… Scratch that last order. Just shove it up your ass. And I’ll have a salad with only a quarter of my fudge brownie this time. Not a fourth like you did last time. Don’t think I can’t ell the difference. Take the three quarters… And shove them up your ass. Oh, and a medium Meat Lovers™ pizza. Which you should shove up your ass. You know what? Forget the chicken strips. I’m on a diet. That’s all, thank you. Z-Finally. L-Let get that. One bean burrito, cheddar cheese? S-Yes. L-And one order of chicken fingers? But forget them, right? M-I didn’t know Satan gave such good service. L-I am bound to Taco Bell Corp® by the president. He gave strict, though incorrectly worded, orders to run Taco Bell Corp® to the best of my ability. Though I must follow the little Chihuahua, I still run Hell on my breaks. S-Hey! What service. I’m getting’ nothing here. Hello? Satan, I demand service! L-Oh, yes. You’re still here. S-Of course I’m still here. L-Well here’s your order. S-About time… And did you get the order perfect. I doubt it. -Sam digs around in bag- L-…About the shoving. -Sam is still digging- L-Seeing as I, Satan, hold power over you mortals’ evil Taco Bell Corp® desires… S-Yes, go on. L-I have decided it is in the best interests of, and for, Taco Bell Corp’s future goals and employee benefits packages, that drive thru workers, or over the counter workers for that matter as well, shall forego the “just shove it up your ass” service requests of all paying customers until further notice. D-Hey! Satan. Just what do you think you are doing? Even if you are the ruler of all Hell, you cannot change the spoken, near universal rule, “The customer is always right.” S-Yeah. And I’m a customer. L-But he wants me to… D-Yes I know, “just shove it up your ass.” L-Very well. -Satan takes order and “just shoves it up [his] ass.” S-That’s right. -Sam drives off- Z-You’re so rude. S-Me, rude? You weren’t even there. Z-So I was enjoying the more, earthly side of Taco Bell Corp®. M-Taco Bell Corp® only offers the more, earthly side of itself. S-Not true. Just take a gander at this… Fourth of a Brownie? No! I explicitly said, a quarter. Not a fourth. I’m so not coming back here again, if not for the more, earthly side of Taco Bell Corp®. M-So where to now? Z-Let’s check out the Museum of Endless Possibilities across the street. S-I’ve heard it has endless possibilities -Sam, Max, and Zane drive to the Museum of Endless Possibilities- -Later, at the Museum- S-What do you mean, high five? G-High five. S-What? G-high five. S-What? G-High five. S-What? G-High five. S-What do you mean, “high five?” G-High five. S-I do not understand. Z-Just hit him. S-Okay. -Sam picks up Museum of Endless Possibilities sign and swings at guard- -Guard steps out of the way- Z-It’s not a cudgel, you barbarian. S-I do not understand. G-High five. M-Forget it. S-Let’s just go. -Sam, Max, and Zane enter the Museum of Endless Possibilities- S-Wow… Endless. Z-And there are possibilities. M-Check this out. -Sam, Max, and Zane walk up to an Endless Possibility- S-What life be like if I were aardvark? -Endless Possibility glows and a picture appears- Z-Hey, that’s us fifteen minutes ago. S-Yes, but I’m an aardvark. M-Everything is funnier when he’s an aardvark. Z-Hey, you’re right. There he is finding out he got a fourth of a brownie. M-Yeah. Just look at the disappointment on his little aardvark face. Z-That’s his rear end, dude. He’s leaning into the bag. M-Oh, he’s so cute. S-This show, sucks. M-No, it’s kinda catchy. Z-And it appeals to my generation. S-What? Four year olds? Z-No way! You can’t bring a four year old anywhere near Taco Bell Corp®. M-What would the world be like if we were gods? -Endless Possibility glows and a picture appears- S-What are those? Butterflies? Z-Butterflies. I despise butterflies. M-It looks like they despise you, too. Z-Hey, what are they doing? M-They’re overthrowing you. Z-They can’t do that! I am a god to them. M-You’re not their god… But Sam is. S-That’s right. And I’ve sent them to destroy you, Lord Zane. Ha ha. M-Wait. Sam, when they’re through… We’ll have to co-rule the universe with the butterflies. There’s gonna be flowers and crap all over our beautiful universe. S-Don’t worry. I’ve got it figured out. When the butterflies start demanding too much, I’ll have a pack of vicious sparrows come and eat all of them but a couple, so as to alleviate the trouble of actually smashing all of them myself. Then I’ll profess victory to my peoples and send out a few false prophets to build up some hype. Then I’ll instate a new God, named Sid. But his name is clever, for backwards it is dis, which is what he will do all the time. His peoples will manufacture nothing but Grand ****-bombs. They will war with each other and we will make peace. They will give us loyalty in mere seconds as we carry all this out at really… fast… speeds, or something like that. M-…Right. Z-Hey, look. A little green guy. M-Watch out… He’s got a magic ring. It makes him invisible! S-Then how can you see him? M-He’s got a red balloon. S-How do you know he is green? Z-I painted him while you were shelling out your plan to overthrow me. S-Right. And after that I thought we’d go get some ice cream. I’ll buy as long as we get godly discounts. M-That was just one of the Endless Possibilities. S-And just what would happen if we got no such godly discount? -Endless Possibility glows and a picture appears- -Sam is sitting down in a chair and the world explodes- S-What happened? Z-You sat on my doomsday chair. There was a button under the cushion. S-Now why would you put a button under a cushion? Especially if it is a doomsday chair? Z- Uh…I don’t know. S-And why would you not put up ample warning to prevent the use of this doomsday chair? Z-It’s just an endless possibility. Relax. S-But it was an endless possibility in which you screwed up. M-What time is it? S-Three fifteen. M-There’s no way it’s been an hour since we left Taco Bell Corp®. S-I set my watch forty five minutes fast. M-Why do you do that? S-So I’m always forty five minutes early. M-But if you know it’s forty five minutes fast, then doesn’t that defeat the whole purpose? S-This a touché. Z-What would happen if all the Endless Possibilities in this Museum of Endless Possibilities suddenly got stuck in a catch twenty two and could not get out no matter what? -all Endless Possibilities glow and then explode- -a portal opens and Sam, Max, and Zane get pulled in- -Sam, Max, and Zane scream- -portal lets them out back at Taco Bell Corp®- Z-What happened there? M-The Museum of Endless Possibilities was totally vaporized. S-Does “totally vaporized” mean… Nothing happened to it? -Museum of Endless Possibilities is exactly the same- M-That’s odd. I thought that explosion… Wait, I’ve got it. The explosion must have created a fracture in the subspace time continuum. What time is it? S-Two thirty. M-We’re forty five minutes into the past. S-And Satan still screwed me with this fourth of a brownie. -Zane whispers to Max- Z-Does Sam look any different to you? M-Yeah… He’s an aardvark, why? Z-He’s not normally an aardvark, right? M-You’re right… And you’re over one thousand feet tall. Z-So? You’re a butterfly. M-The Endless Possibilities must have fused together. S-Hey. I didn’t order any ice cream. Z-That’s our car. M-That’s us forty five minute ago. Or at least forty five minutes from forty five minutes into the future. Never mind. We’ve got to stop them or the results of you’re idiotic question could be the end of time and space as we know it. The very fabric of reality is at stake here. -Sam, Max, and Zane go across the street to the Museum of Endless Possibilities- G-High five. -Sam shoves the ice cream up the guards ass- S-I am on a diet! G-Sir. I can’t let you bring this butterfly into the Museum of Endless Possibilities without a leash. And you… Well I couldn’t let you into the Museum of Endless Possibilities if I wanted to. We simply do not have room to accommodate those of your… stature. Z-Are you calling me fat? S-We’re all fat. I’m on a diet! Z-I am not going to take this anymore. I am starting my own Museum of Endless Possibilities, and it will be right next door. -Zane storms off, stepping over the museum- G-There’s still no butterflies allowed inside the Museum of Endless Possibilities, sir. Not without a leash. S-You wouldn’t happen to have a spare leash would you? G-No. M-Forget it. S-So what do we do now? M-I’ll give you instructions. S-Yes, okay. M-Alright now. Go in there… S-Yes. M-And stop Zane from asking that question. S-Gotcha. M-You get all that? S-I said… Gotcha. M-Good. Just checking. You can’t mess this up or we are all doomed. S-Right. G-High five. S-What? G-High five. S-What? M-He’s trying to mess with your head. Just get in there. -Sam walks into the Museum of Endless Possibilities- M-Good. Step one complete. G-Wait just a gosh darn moment there, will ya? M-What? G-You all look familiar. M-Couldn’t say from where. I am a butterfly. He’s an aardvark, and that guy over there building a museum out of trees from the park, he’s a thousand foot tall god. G-Really? M-Yes. G-…If you say so. M-I do. G-Fine by me. S-Hey, Max? What was step number two? M-Stop Zane from asking the question. S-Oh, right… Stop him from asking the question. M-You can do that, right. S-Well not so much anymore… But I think we’ll have a second chance very soon. M-What do you mean? -all Endless Possibilities glow and then explode- -portal opens and Sam, Max, and Zane get pulled in- -Sam, Max, and Zane scream- -portal lets them out back at Taco Bell Corp®- Z-What happened there? M-The Museum of Endless Possibilities was totally vaporized. S-Does “totally vaporized” mean… Nothing happened to it? -Museum of Endless Possibilities is exactly the same- M-That’s odd. I thought that explosion… Wait, I’ve got it. The explosion must have created a fracture in the subspace time continuum. What time is it? S-Two thirty. M-We’re forty five minutes into the past. S-And Satan still screwed me with this fourth of a brownie. -Zane whispers to Max- Z-Does Sam look any different to you? M-Yeah… He’s an aardvark, why? Z-He’s not normally an aardvark, right? M-You’re right… And you’re over one thousand feet tall. Z-So? You’re a butterfly. M-The Endless Possibilities must have fused together. S-Hey. I didn’t order any ice cream. Z-That’s our car. M-That’s us forty five minute ago. Or at least forty five minutes from forty five minutes into the future. Never mind. We’ve got to stop them or the results of you’re idiotic question could be the end of time and space as we know it. The very fabric of reality is at stake here. -Sam, Max, and Zane go across the street to the Museum of Endless Possibilities- G-High five. -Sam shoves the ice cream up the guards ass- S-I am on a diet! G-Sir. I can’t let you bring this butterfly into the Museum of Endless Possibilities without a leash. And you… Well I couldn’t let you into the Museum of Endless Possibilities if I wanted to. We simply do not have room to accommodate those of your… stature. Z-Are you calling me fat? S-We’re all fat. I’m on a diet! Z-I am not going to take this anymore. I am starting my own Museum of Endless Possibilities, and it will be right next door. -Zane storms off, stepping over the museum- G-There’s still no butterflies allowed inside the Museum of Endless Possibilities, sir. Not without a leash. S-You wouldn’t happen to have a spare leash would you? G-No. M-Forget it. S-So what do we do now? M-I’ll give you instructions. S-Yes, okay. M-Alright now. Go in there… S-Yes. M-And stop Zane from asking that question. S-Gotcha. M-You get all that? S-I said… Gotcha. M-Good. Just checking. You can’t mess this up or we are all doomed. S-Right. G-High five. S-What? G-High five. S-What? M-He’s trying to mess with your head. Just get in there. -Sam walks into the Museum of Endless Possibilities- M-Good. Step one complete. G-Wait just a gosh darn moment there, will ya? M-What? G-You all look familiar. M-Couldn’t say from where. I am a butterfly. He’s an aardvark, and that guy over there building a museum out of trees from the park, he’s a thousand foot tall god. G-Really? M-Yes. G-So you’re saying you don’t look like the aardvark, the butterfly, and the thousand foot tall god that were here just a few moments ago? M-Yes…Wait… We were here before? G-No, not before. You’re still here. M-What do you mean, still here. G-The thousand foot tall god is over in the park building his own Museum of Endless Possibilities, and you’re right by the door talking to the aardvark, who, by the way, is already inside. M-We’re being cloned. -Z1 gets to the park- Z-Hey, can you help me? I can’t seem to get these stupid trees to stick together like they do on log cabins. Z1-I’ll get some glue. You just keep working. S-Hey, Max? M-Yes? S-What do I do about this rainbow machine? M-There was no rainbow machine. Where did it come from? S-The little green didn’t have a red balloon after all… It was actually a rainbow machine. -something beeps in Max’s pocket- M-Hang on, I’ve got an e-mail. -Max reads e-mail- M-Come to the park. Get some gold. Just step in the… Damn rainbow. S-What do I do? M-Just hang on… Zane and his clone are in the park right now. Oh no. -Zanes sigh in frustration- Z1-We’ll never get this thing built without professional help. Z-But were gods. Z1-I think that doesn’t matter since we can’t seem to get anyone to worship us. Z-We need money. Z1-Let’s make a sign. Z-Wait… What’s this? Z1-It’s a rainbow. Z-Were huge… And there’s gold at the end of this thing… So if we follow it… Z1-Were rich! Z-Yes. But this how they get you. Z1-How who gets you. Z-The leprechauns. -rainbow moves over Zanes- -Zanes shrink and get suck into the rainbow- -rainbow brings them inside of the Museum of Endless Possibilities- -there are two little green men- -one is on the other’s shoulders holding a balloon with a rainbow coming out of it- A1-Yes. Z-This is how they get you. A1-Yes fat man. This IS how we get you! A2-Flargon? A1-Now give us your gold there. Z-We don’t have any gold. A2-Flargon? A1-Nonsense! You have to have gold. You’re gods! A2-Flargon? A1-What? A2-Flargon, they don’t have any gold. A1-Ach! Then we’ll take their shoes. A2-They’re not wearing any shoes. A1-…We’ll empty their pockets then. A2-They don’t have any pockets. A1-What is this? They’re wearing sweat pants? Z1-Yeah. For extra godly comfort. Z-You tell ‘em good buddy. S-The green guy is actually two green guys, Max. M-Darn it. Subspace is getting more distorted every time it’s fractured. S-Take THAT subspace. M-Shut up. S-No. Z1-Why don’t you give us YOUR gold. A2-We don’t have any gold either. A1-Ah, ach, err… Don’t tell them that! Z-We can take them. Z1-You’re right. -Zanes jump the green men- A1-Ah! No! Billy, save me! Use our leprechaun invisibility. A2-I told you when we met… That I was from Detroit… That I was not a leprechaun… And that I did not have any leprechaun powers… And you said it didn’t matter. -Zanes pummel the green men- A1-I thought you were joking. That’s what I get for not checking your references. S-The Zanes have the little green man situation under control Max. M-Good, now stop the other Zane from asking the question. S-No. M-What do you mean, no? S-I can’t do that. M-It’s simple. I give you to the count of three to stop him. S-You’re not allowed into the Museum of Endless Possibilities, so how will you make me? M-Three… S-Better make that one. -all Endless Possibilities glow and then explode- -portal opens and all Sam’s, Max’s, and Zane’s get pulled in- -all Sam’s, Max’s, and Zane’s scream- -portal lets them out back at Taco Bell Corp®- S-Look what I snuck in. M-What? S-A dodge ball. M-That’s great. Z-There we are. -Sam’s, Max’s, and Zane’s 1-3 are driving to the Museum of Endless possibilities- M-We’ve got to stop them right this time. S-But how. M-You know that idea you had about overthrowing Zane with butterflies? S-Yes. M-Well I bet I’ll have just enough time to rally myselves outside the Museum of Endless Possibilites, and rush past the guard to attack Zane. Thus stopping him from posing that question. S-Very good. M-Let’s go. -Sam, Max, and Zane go across the street to the Museum of Endless Possibilities- M-Hey, Max’s 1-3. I have an idea to stop the next Zane from ruining the time and space continuum. M1-How? M-Well this is my third time here, so listen up. Sam will fail at stopping Zane, and the godly Zane’s are no help, seeing as they are messing around in the park trying to build a Museum of Endless Possibilities of their own. Z-Well, I guess I’m off to the park. S-Be back by dinner time, Zane. Z-I will. -Zane storms off to the park to join Zane’s 1 and 2 M-Now, gather round. We can’t let the guard know what were going to do. -Max’s huddle- M-Okay. Here’s the plan. We rush past the guard into the Museum of Endless Possibilities, and then we attack Zane. Problem solved. -Sam goes inside Museum of Endless Possibilities- S2-Hey Sam. I found a solution to all our problems. S-What is it? -Sam’s 1 and 2 are standing next to a wingless World War I plane- S1-Well Sam2 found it in the back rooms. S2-There are back rooms? S1-Yes. That’s where you found it. Or at least that’s where you said you found it. S2-No way. I made this puppy. S1-Well whatever. M-Now Max’s. Now! -Max’s rush into the Museum of Endless Possibilities- Z3-Ah! Butterflies. Get away. Get away! S2-Max’s. Look what we got. M-What is it? S1-It’s a… Time Machine. M-You idiots don’t have the brain capacity to build a time machine. -Sam 2 gets into machine- S2-Well I guess it’s not so much a time machine… as it is a dodge ball canon. -gun barrel comes out of the front and basket of dodge balls pops out of the back- M-We don’t have time for this. What time is it anyway? S1-Dodge ball time. M-I asked… What time is it? S1-I said… dodge ball time, biatch. -Sam 2 shoots Max’s- M2-Ah! M1-Ugh! M-Doh! My plan. -Max’s 1 and 2 splat against the wall- -Max hides behind Zane 3- Z3-Ah! Get ‘em off! Get ‘em off! -Zane 3 runs around screaming- S-Get him. Get him! S2-I’m trying. -Sam 1 aims while Sam 2 fires- -dodge balls fly across the Museum of Endless Possibilities- -Endless Possibilities crack and spark- -dodge ball hits Max and Zane 3 in the back- Z3-Ow! M-Oof… -Zane 3 passes out- S-Yes! Team aardvark rules! S2-Take that butterflies. -Zane and Zanes 1 and 2 drop onto the floor by the little green men- -one is on the other’s shoulders holding a balloon with a rainbow coming out of it- A1-Yes! Z-This is how they get you. A1-Yes fat man. This IS how we get you! S2-No little man… This is how WE get you! -Sam’s fire dodge balls at the little green men- -dodge ball hits Flargon- A1-Pah! -dodge ball hits Billy- A2-Gah! S1-Yes! Any more challengers? M-My plan… S1-See? That was the solution to all our problems. M-But what about the clones? Z-I’ve got an idea. M-What? Z-We could cage them and show them off as freaks. We could get rich! S-No one is getting rich. I’ve got a better idea. -Cloned Sam’s, Max’s and Zane’s duel to the death- -Sam 2 wins, but was tragically eaten by a vicious gladiatorial lion- S-Oops… Now how did that get in there. -Sam whistles and walks away casually- M-What do we do about our condition? S-What condition? M-Well, you’re an aardvark. S-Who you calling an aardvark? M-You. You’re an aardvark. S-I’ll show you. -Sam bites at Max- -Max flies into the air- S-Since when can you fly? M-I’m a butterfly. This is the condition I’m talking about. Z-We could get disguises for you two. M-You’re just lucky you got caught in the rainbow and shrunk to normal size. Z-But I’m still a god though. -Sam continues to try to attack Max- M-Not without your brain you’re not. Z-…oh… M-Now lets get some tranquilizer and sedate this wild animal here. Z-I’ll be right back. -Zane goes to animal control center- -Sam continues to try to get at Max- -Zane comes back- Z-Got it. M-Now inject him. -Zane shoots Sam up with animal tranquilizer- -Sam falls asleep- M-I know what we can do. We’ll get corrective surgery. Z-Good thinking. -Sam and Max get corrective surgery- -Sam and Max are back to normal- S-So where to now? Z-I do not know. M-Let’s go to the dumb-ass animal freestyle Spin session in Las Vegas. S-Vegas sucks. Let’s go find Goat Boy. Z-Ok. M-Whoo! Goat Boy. S-And I bet Cabaret dances all night long. Z-I remember Cabaret. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunshine Badass Posted April 19, 2003 Author Share Posted April 19, 2003 Surprisingly, this is a more serious story... I will not post any more unless people want more... Then it hit me… man that hurt. Who keeps huckin’ stuff at me? I had gotten the point, I knew when I was not wanted here. I took my possessions and ran for the door. As I approached the exit, a rather… not-as-quaint-as-he-had-looked-from-across-the-room bouncer blocked my path. “You may not pass.” He stated. But I thought that bouncers were to keep people out not trapped inside. I asked, “What seems to be the matter…Sir.” He scowled at me. “If you must know, I don’t like the cut of your outfit… Sir.” “Well I think you mean the trim.” I offered. “No.” He looked perturbed, “I am NOT talking to you. I am talking to the fool behind you.” He waved his hand across the room in a wide arc. I immediately noticed something was terribly wrong. The establishment that I had found myself in had suddenly and drastically changed before me. There had come a quickened chill throughout the room. Dense limbs of fires long past grew from the ground and threatened the free space I had once enjoyed in this emotionless vicinity. I had once called it home, my own little slice of the high life. Now it was overcome with a horrid stench and the air grew thicker. I was mortified by what happened next. The ground gave way beneath the two of us, leaving the rest of the unnamed souls behind, but instead of falling, a new surface rose up to me. I turned back to the bouncer, but he had become something out of my wildest fears. He towered over me, packed full of rippling muscles that gleamed darkly in the low light. He leaned down, and welcomed me, told me that I was expected here… He said I was dead. But how, I thought immediately, that this was some elaborate joke and I was the ass of humor, so to say. “But how?” I inquired, “It cannot be. I was never struck down at the end. I never fell through the widening cracks of life… I was too careful.” He laughed and beckoned me to follow him. I was led to a desolate chamber deep within this place. He offered me a seat, took one himself, and said his name was Luscandrus. A chilling mug of frothy red liquid was set before me. I was forced to drink it. Immediately I started to relax. The last thing I saw before I was knocked unconscious was Luscandrus rising from his seat and reaching for a dark figure in the lightless caverns we had come to be in. I hallucinated… I could call it a dream but for the context it was in. I saw myself moments before, back “home,” and being stopped by the bouncer. Just before everything turned to ash and flame. Someone had slowly emerged from across the room and had crept up behind me. He stood there and was motioning to the bouncer. That was when he quickly reached into his coat extracting a slick, silenced pistol. The bouncer then made a comment about the cut of his “outfit.” I knew what he had been talking about. Through this third sight, I was moved to an earlier time. While I slept, this figure had entered upon my life through means unclear to me, maybe a reference from a distributor… I didn’t know. He threatened and cheated his way into my concern, and led the bouncer to believe I was an old friend. The bouncer had let him in, not as loyal to me as I had hoped, through some bad connection elsewhere. He was slipped a handbag and that was the last I saw of him. Until that night. He blocked my exit from a party I had thrown, it was getting clearer. He stalled me and seemed to be paying attention to the one behind me. When the firearm was pulled, he was clearly surprised by the outcome. In the end, I was the one paying for my past crimes, not my killer. I had ended up somewhere so morbid that it made me physically ill just to think of where I might actually be. I was so rudely, without warning, pulled from my vision back to the caverns of darkness. Even the faint amount of light in this place offended my eyes and shot knives of pain through my skull. I recoiled as found it to be all too real. They say you never know the shot that kills you, and I suppose this to be true. But at this moment I wished I could see clearly, but blood fell from my head. I felt my scalp and was surprised to find I was not hurt, not in any “real” sense anyway. There was something there… and not there all at the same time. I was injured, but not hurt. It was a feeling I could not describe in any words beyond what I have just stated. Out of the corner of my eye, I found the company of my dear friend Luscandrus. I spat his name with such emotionless zeal that I was shocked at the harshness of the boot I was quickly acquainted with. My ribs were broken with the ferocity of the motion. I let blood from my mouth and I threw up. The abuse I found myself enduring was oddly not given out by Luscandrus, but by my supposed murderer. He was the one who had knocked me out. I can only guess that he must be dead too. He chose not to strike me again until I opened my mouth to interrogate him. This time to the side of the head. I was amazed at the sudden abrupt end to the pain. “I have followed you here to finish the-” He was cut short by the hulking frame of Luscandrus. “You do not belong here.” He stated simply. With a flick of his wrist, my assailant was snapped. Luscandrus tossed him aside and I watched he started to sink into the ground. “As for you.” He picked me up by the neck and I fell unconscious again. It was all too confusing. I began to “dream” again. This time was new to me. I had never been to the actual location of this vision, but I knew it like the back of my head. That is not to say too much, for I had a gaping wound behind me that I could not feel. My head seemed to be the most foreign place to me now. I was lost in visions of past occurrences in which I had not the privilege to be present. “As I had assumed, a distributor had referred the man to me. He acted like a lunatic, bounding from foot to foot, hunched over with his hands on his sides, howling. The distributor had the same look as the bouncer, and told the man everything. The man looked delighted and arose to his full posture. He was draped in rags and what must have been at one time an expensive overcoat. He hurried away into the dead of night, seemingly in a few seconds the light had faded. He was moving out of time and slowly winked in and out of reality itself, jumping ahead and falling back behind his own body all at once. He was overjoyed and headed to my compound. And my vision ended. Luscandrus awakened me and I was in another room. He showed me paintings of a figures dressed in plain white clothes, and of men in darkened rags at each other’s throats. He said I was the one to stop the ageless war between these two forces, that I was the last one left, and he of his kind, the same. The last one standing at the end… He trailed off. He took me by the arms and a brilliant light filled the caverns. I was the savior of the people who were oblivious to the happenings of this world I was not apart of. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swediot=) Posted April 19, 2003 Share Posted April 19, 2003 can you post abit shorter demos next time these are pretty ok though:thumbsup: i voted for more work but i actually mean less writing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
StarCords Posted April 19, 2003 Share Posted April 19, 2003 Too long...can`t read them...*falls asleep* Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
legameboy Posted April 20, 2003 Share Posted April 20, 2003 i agree, they are too long, but with the 1/6 of it i read it was great Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sunshine Badass Posted April 20, 2003 Author Share Posted April 20, 2003 Yeah, I thought that would be the problem. No one has teh patience to enjoy them to the end. And the thing is, these are just two of twelve. :D This is a failed idea... unless it could get stickied (Unlikely) or bumped now and then to stay on the boards. And I could add more when people are ready for them. (Also unlikely) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jan Gaarni Posted April 20, 2003 Share Posted April 20, 2003 Well, it won't be stickied, but it will always be on the boards, no matter how far back it goes. If you go to the last page in this forum, you can still read the very first threads created. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BobaWP Posted April 26, 2003 Share Posted April 26, 2003 Nice Job! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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