Surfnshannon Posted May 20, 2003 Share Posted May 20, 2003 saw this and thought it was gross but funny! We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2003 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure. ESCAPEE Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car an! d speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee; it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy. JAILBREAK(Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE) Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrheaor a hangover. If this should happen,do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone theawkwardness of what just occurred. COURTESY FLUSH Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME. WALK OF SHAME Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH. OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER Definition: A colleague who poops at work and **** proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom. THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN) Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS. SAFE HAVENS Definition: Seldom used bathrooms somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom. TURD BURGLAR Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact. CAMO-COUGH Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE. ASTAIRE Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace. WATERMELON Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water.This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH. UNCLE TED Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An UncleTed makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This bene! fits you as well as the other bathroom attendees. FLY BY Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and comeback again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WolfmanNCSU Posted May 20, 2003 Share Posted May 20, 2003 HA HA I saw an email with the exact same thing a long time ago. A lot of it is sad but true. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swphreak Posted May 20, 2003 Share Posted May 20, 2003 LOL. Very funny! I never poop at school, but one time I was sick.. and HAD to.. fortunatley for me, my mom's a teacher and I can use the facualty restroom If actually used a student restroom, I'd probably get some disease just by touching the door knob! Plus, I'd pass out because of the smell within seconds... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted May 20, 2003 Share Posted May 20, 2003 i hate it when i'm in my office, sitting at my desk on the computer. i check to see if the coast to clear and let out a ripper of a fart. then out of nowhere someone will come in to use the photocopier or the fax machine. you can see it slapping them in face like a wet fish as they walk in. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
another_trooper Posted May 24, 2003 Share Posted May 24, 2003 HEHEHE funny and true (for some of it at least. . .) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Shears Posted May 24, 2003 Share Posted May 24, 2003 LOL! So true.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Chewbacco Posted May 27, 2003 Share Posted May 27, 2003 I can't believe that is true! I did the fly by once. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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