WIP: Dark Absurdity (Funny)

[Lost Welshman]

Dark Absurdity

 

Chapter 1

 

On the melon shaped planet of The Melon life was generally good, even for the street tenants, at this particular point in its history anyway. The Melon was split up into hundreds of different races and guilds. The two most powerful, and coincidentally, the two biggest rival races are the Wizards, and the Machines. They weren’t technically races, they are more of a chosen profession. The Wizards were a group of wise old men, and failing young adults. Most of the old men were clouded from the reality of life, stuck in tall towers or in interesting shaped castles. The machines were mainly men, with a few huge magically constructed, freely thinking heaps of metal and cogs known as the Methuselahs. All the men were part machine, usually having hydraulic powered arms or legs.

 

Most of the normal people (if you can call them that) who live on the Melon were all honest and hard working. Even the undead earned a decent living. But the tension between the two biggest groups of people on the melon was about to be released in a huge snap and a whimper from the receiving end, all because of one man. Gone will be the times when people moved to, or in experience away, from the cities to make a living. The entire course of the planets future was in the hands of a 21 year old wizard named Brian. He had pathetic stubble for a beard and a natural ability to get himself deeper and deeper into trouble. It usually starts of with something like coughing during a lecture and repeatedly apologizing until he was forced to leave. Then he would stay behind and complain, until he got into trouble with the senior members of the wizards. Eventually he would find himself scrubbing the skin off potatoes with a toothbrush. He lost his peeling knife privileges when he passed wind in a parent-teachers evening and laughed the whole night. And the whole of the week. It was a lot more serious than it sounds. The room the incident occurred in was at a high pressure, and even the slightest change could have disturbed the already unstable old wizards head. He would have been let off if he hadn’t found the incident so funny.

 

 

The day was Tuesday, and Brian was woken up by the sun rays beaming through his bedroom window and onto his face. He groaned as he got up and dressed himself in his rich blue wizard robes. They would have looked much more wizardly if they had something like stars all over them instead of teddy bears. Nobody mentioned it in fear of his wizard powers. Which weren’t exactly very powerful, he could just about manage to float a bowl of ice cream, from about 2ft away, into his hands. And that was with extreme concentration. He wasn’t the worst wizard in his class though, there was the Patterson twins, who supposedly knew more magic when they were first born. Of course nobody actually knows anything about magic until they are able to appreciate their first birthday party. Mainly because at this point in time wizards didn’t do much more than appear at children's parties and pull rabbits out of hats. The more political wizards were of some use though, governing a lot of the Melon’s cities.

‘What’s for breakfast?’ Brian asked as he recovered from his fall down the stairs. There was no reply. Brian rubbed his knee and then stepped down into the lower area of the kitchen, carefully watching that he didn’t stand on his robe again. There was a note on the table. It said:

‘Gone out, make your own’

Brian sighed and opened a cupboard and pulled out a box of crackers. After much thought about how to make them more appetizing he decided to just scoff the lot. So he did. He stepped outside with all books in his inter-dimensional sleeve pocket and set out towards his university. His fast paced walk turned into a slow jog, then a fast jog, then a full sprint. He was an hour late.

Brian fell into a room in the middle of a lecture. ‘Sorry’ he whispered loudly as

he stood up in the archway. He kept saying sorry, quieter this time, as he went to an empty seat. ‘Sorry’ He said again, louder than he meant to.

‘Mr. Cuthbert! Stay behind when I’m done!’ The old wizard shouted to Brian, who went red as everyone turned to look at him. He hid his face in his pointy hat.

Once the lecture was over and everyone had left, Brian went to talk to the lecturer. ‘Sorry, sir’

‘I’ve had enough Sorrys from you this month! I’m sending you away for a short time.’ The wizard said, trying to sound nice.

‘More potato scrubbing?’ Brian asked as he sighed.

‘Nope. I want you to deliver something to the wizards of Nomel,’

‘Cool! I’ve had enough of those potatoes to last a lifetime. What am I delivering?’ asked Brian in a brighter tone.

‘Potatoes’ replied the wizard. Brian sighed

 

 

Work in progress....

 

What do you think so far?

 

edit- Lettering Gone

[swphreak]

I like it so far, especially that last part

 

Just get rid of the gOOfy LeTteRiNg iN tHe tItLe and it will be good.

[Antilles_CL]

I like it! Keep it coming!!!

[-=ReApEr=-]

Awww very nice! Seriously though, nice story keep it up Al.

[Lost Welshman]

As he left the room he saw one of the younger teacher wizards, about 56 I believe he was. The teacher was talking to a man in a black cloak with the hood up. Brian didn’t want to get into any more trouble so turned slowly to creep away. He turned quickly and began to run. But he didn’t quite look properly and ended up bumping into the stomach of a huge lump of stone — it could move. ‘Terribly sorry!’ Brian managed to say as he was put back onto the floor at the teachers command. The wizard handed the cloak figure a scroll, and then he turned back to his room. The figure walked towards Brian, his face covered in darkness. Two flashes of blue lights shone from the eyes of the figure as it brushed passed Brian, sending a shiver down his spine. Brian gulped and then wearily stepped passed the stone guard and headed home to pack.

 

He managed to get half way and then decided, ‘If I’m going on an adventure I’m going to have to get used to this magic stuff’. With that thought, he waved his hand in a ridiculous way and straightened it out, pointing towards his inter-dimensional sleeve pocket. Feeling confident he didn’t check to see if he had everything he needed. He headed to the docks. When he got there he noticed a severe lack in anyone telling him where to go. So he instinctively decided to ask a friendly looking person. A large man with tattoos up both of his arms caught Brian’s eye. ‘Excuse me kind man! Have you had any word from a wizard as to where a wizard like me should be going?’ The man stared at Brian, then grunted some inaudible words. ‘Ah, I see you’re a busy man so I’ll just be off’ said Brian as he backed away slowly.

‘Yer! Average size, blue pajamas, pointy had. A wizad from tha’ emucation estamlishment’ The large man grunted back,

‘Education establishment, I believe you mean’

‘I not got need for a efucation, not in these times. There’s a lot of money t’ be made in the Sl…’ The man stopped halfway through a sentence and stared behind Brian. As Brian turned around he saw a hand move from a wizards lips and back onto the wizards staff. It was his teacher. ‘Hello Sir, I think I can find my way now.’

‘Good good, I just came down to see you off. That’s all.’ There was a giggling from behind some barrels. Brian ignored it. The large man, who turned out to be the captain of the ship hurried Brian onto the ship. ‘ “The S.S. Potato Delivery” That’s a weird name for a ship?’ Brian said to himself as he was pushed onboard.

‘Bye Brian!’ Shouted his teacher.

‘Bye home!’ Brian shouted. He went cold. He forgot to mention anything about him leaving to his family. He flicked his fingers out and a pink bolt of magic flew out and into the direction of his house, where a note landed on the kitchen table. ‘Whoa, I’m really getting the hang of this magic.’ Brian said confidentially as he waved goodbye. ‘So where are these potatoes then?’ He asked the Captain.

‘On the lower deck’ the Captain replied. Brian walked slowly around the ships, he could hear the sound of chains below, and groaning. He became suspicious. Especially when he saw a group of wizards appear, along with a huge mass of balloons bursting out of crates. ‘Hoorah!’ all the wizards shouted. Brian was gob smacked, literally. A big person had just hit him to the floor as the boarding plank was raised. The large man gave Brian a sinister grin. Then he looked up at more terrified faces on the upper deck. ‘Welcome the Slavery Service Potato Delivery Ship!’ He roared, the crew cheered and began to sing haunting tunes to the beat of the slave drums. Brian suddenly realized what was going on, he felt strangely relieved, and a bit miffed.

 

That night Brian was kept in the lower decks peeling the potatoes with a real peeling knife. He was alone in the darkness of the lower decks, with a little moonlight shining from the upper decks. There was a lot of snoring, he was the only slave awake. He figured if he peeled them all then they would have no need for him. He heard a shuffling in the darkness of the other end of the ship. Brian stood up. He was terrified and was afraid that he wouldn’t be able to run away, so he pointed his finger to the chains at his feet and said a magic word. ‘POW!’ The chains were broken and he could walk freely. He crept into the darkness, he couldn’t see a thing. There was a large thud on the wooden boards behind him. He closed his eyes and swallowed. He went to breathe in but startled as he opened his eyes. It was bright. His shadow was flickering on the wall infront of him. He figured that he subconsciously cast a spell and turned around. The rest of the room was dark, apart from the area just below his level of sight. He peered down and screamed as he jumped and grabbed onto some netting on the ceiling.

 

 

I'm open to any suggestions/critisisms/general comments. Thanks

[Kstar__2]

 

that's a nice micture of action and humour

[Lost Welshman]

Five minutes later Brian decided that it was safe. After carefully replaying the recent events he decided that he could go back to the floor. So he did, checking with his feet for moving lumps before making a definite jump to the floor. He landed safely, and feeling relieved. But his face soon went as pale as it was five seconds before he jumped down, although you couldn’t tell in the darkness. There was something on his back, something small but it smelt like damp hay. There was a scratching noise close to Brian’s ear. His hat was lifted of his head, which made Brian very angry, but it was clouded by all the fear he was experiencing. Something began to occasionally pick at his head. Suddenly everything became clear — The smell, the height the torch was held at, the cheeky little grin that Brian caught a glimpse of before he jumped. He had a monkey on his back.

 

Brian snatched his hat back and closed his fist. He opened it again when the feeling of stupidity faded, and in his hand was a ball of light. It flew up to the top of the room, lighting everything perfectly. Brian looked down at the monkey, and it looked up at him and gave him another cheeky grin. ‘A Monkey with a gold tooth?’ Brian questioned, the monkey nodded franticly. ‘I think I should give you a name…’ Brian said, he felt strangely attached to the monkey. After all, it did eat the little bits of wizard hat lint from his head. Brian looked at the sacks of potatoes, he only made out the tatoes part of the label. ‘I think I’ll call you Taters’ Brian decided, feeling very proud of his naming skills. The monkey smiled his slightly golden smile. Brian decided he deserved a rest, so climbed onto the bags of potatoes and fell asleep with Taters picking at his head.

 

 

The next morning Brian woke up to the sound of whip cracks and moans. ‘That’s it,’ he said to himself ‘Time to get out of here’. He crept up the steps, each one creaking loudly. He reached the outer deck and was pulled up by a large crew member with an eye patch. ‘Wha’ ya doin’ out ‘ere?’ He grunted,

‘You’re breath is appalling’ Brian thought, he also said it accidentally.

‘Thanks, ya low life’

‘I said appalling, not appeal…’ Brian was thrown to the floor mid sentence.

‘Shut it ma’am’ The man roared politely,

‘Ma’am!? I’m a bloke’ Brian replied feeling deeply offended.

‘Why ya wearing tha’ gown then?’ The man seemed very confused.

‘It’s not a gown, it’s a robe. I’m a wizard.’ Brian felt very proud. He was thrown to the floor again after he stood up. ‘Stop That’ He shouted.

‘Quiet pajama boy!’ Suddenly there was a lot of short creaking noises. And an ‘Ooook!’ sound. Taters flew threw the air and knocked the large crewman down. Brian stood up and swept some dust of his robe. A lot of the crew stopped what they were doing immediately and turned to the monkey. Taters looked at Brian then glared at a rope that was hanging overboard. Brian grunted questioningly. Taters picked up a cutlass and threw it at the rope, cutting it, and dropping what ever was on the other end of it into the sea. ‘Oh!’ Brian rushed over to where the rope was and looked overboard. There was a small rowing boat. Brian climbed over the side of the boat but looked around for Taters before he dropped into the boat. The monkey wasn’t hard to find, he was fighting off all the crew. Running up the mast and jumping behind them to confuse them, jumping into the air to deliver a punishing kick to the stomach, and generally just kicking old slave pirate behind. The captain came out of his cabin and fired something into the air with a loud bang, from some sort of miniature hand held cannon. A small pebble landed on Brian’s head, knocking him down into the row boat, where he banged his head on an ore.

 

When Brian regained consciousness the first thing he noticed was that he was still alive. That was a start, now he just had to figure out where he was. He sat up and directly in front of him was the S.S. Potato Delivery ship. The safety rope hadn’t been cut. The next thing Brian noticed was that the ship had docked. Brian stepped out of the boat and onto the land, and there was a metallic clunk. Brian was staring at the floor, it was all silver, and it looked a lot like ice. He slowly looked up and saw a huge wall made of discarded contraption parts. There was a crack of lightning from the sky into the metallic compound. The sky was black, occasionally being lit up by lightning bolts. ‘Oh no,’ Brian said as he realized where he was, ‘The Mechanical Iceberg’. Brian quickly hid in the shadow, but noticed two guard towers. The machine guards usually had some metal bits and flashy lights in their eyes, so they can see in the dark. Brian saw a cloak in a crate next to him, very lucky. So he put it on and pulled the hood up, knocking off his wizards hat, which was then placed in his sleeve.

 

Brian stepped up to the huge gates of the wall and waved his hand about like a loony, at first trying to attract attention, but he ended up casting a spell. The huge rusted cogs of the door began to turn, and the doors opened. The floor was entirely made of silver, which seemed strange considering everything else looked rusted. People were rushing about everywhere, getting on with their lives. Brian was confused. The machines he was told about were supposed to be at least 20ft tall with huge red eyes and cool, but dangerous, gizmos. These people all seemed normal. Well, normal height at least, they were all wearing cloaks to keep out of the rain. Brian continued to walk the streets seeking shelter from the storm. He came to the entrance of a tavern, ‘The Wizard’s Arms’. Brian Gulped and then stepped inside.

 

 

I'm still open to any suggestions/critisisms/general comments. Thanks

[Higginson]

another good piece of work, keep at it al. cant wait for the next piece!

[Lost Welshman]

It's been a while but here is a bit more for ya'll

 

Not that anyone cares.

 

The room went silent. Brian decided that he should look as normal as possible, which he seemed to be pulling off. It was just the moving that made him look suspicious. When almost all the other people in the room moved there was some sort of mechanical sound. He walked to the bar and asked for a drink. The barkeeper was busy cleaning a glass, facing the opposite direction. Suddenly his head turned to face Brian who tried not to look surprised.

‘What?’ The barkeeper asked,

‘A drink please’ Brian replied, looking around the room in hope that nobody was watching, but they were.

‘O’ What?’ The barkeeper asked again,

‘Milk…..’ Brian realized his mistake and corrected himself quickly, ‘Is for girly fleshies, I’ll have a pint of your best’. The barkeeper’s hand snapped back and after he stopped looking like he was looking for something in his sleeve, out poured a drink from a metal nozzle into the glass he cleaned. Brian picked up the suspicious looking drink and put the glass to his lips. He was just about to pull the glass away as he noticed a small man next to him curl into a ball after drinking the same drink. The silence went on, with one or two quiet grumbles. Brian closed his eyes and threw his neck back, sending the whole contents of the glass through his digestive system. A few seconds passed, and there was a slight tickling at the back of his through. This isn’t that strong, he thought. Then it started to kick in, his throat felt as if it burst aflame. His ears went back and his eyebrows rose. He gave a little cough and then fell back as it finally worked it’s way up into his brain. His head crashed into a table leg, knocking him unconscious.

 

Brian woke up in a small dark room, with the lightning outside flashing, lighting up the room through the bars over the small window. He turned around on the floor and saw bars, blocking the exit. Brian stood up and walked over to the bars, trying to make convincing mechanical noises as he did so. A small guard with a pointy metal stick stepped over, ‘Excuse me? Could you please keep it down? I was trying to sleep.’

‘What?’ Brian asked, as if he didn’t know where he was. It soon became clear. They must not have found out he was a wizard, or else he would be in a lot more pain than he was.

‘Sorry, I just have a really bad headache’ Brian eventually explained

‘I’m not surprised with the thwack the monkey in the other cell gave you. Trying to wake you up they said.’

‘A monkey? Did he have a golden tooth?’

‘I didn’t get a chance to see, as soon as he hit you I woke up and they took him to the torture chambers’ The guard said as he remembered recent events. Brian knew the monkey was Taters, as most other animals tend to leave him alone. Brian was angry at the thought of what they could be doing, so he whipped off his cloak and put his wizards hat on. ‘Hey?’ The guard shouted as he noticed the wizard. A blue light floated in front of the guards face. He was entranced. The keys on the table next to him floated into Brian’s hand. Once the cell door was unlocked Brian clapped his hands, and the blue light faded, sending the guard to sleep. Brian crept along the long corridor, listening to the prisoners snoring. One of them was awake, and began to plea for the keys. Brian dropped the keys in the middle of the corridor and hurried off; leaving the prisoner trying to desperately reach the keys.

A burst of flames illuminated a doorway with an orange glow. Brian hurried to the door and looked through the gap in the open door. He could just about make out three large spinning cogs. Brian leaned on the door, forgetting it was ajar and he fell into the room. ‘Sorry!’ He said out of habit. The room was empty, apart from the monkey tied to a large metal table in the middle of the room.

‘Eeek!’ The monkey shouted when he noticed Brian. The large cogs were spinning slowly, and as they did so a large spinning disk with pointy bits on the blade made it’s way slowly down towards Taters. Brian remembered when he put his belongings into his sleeve, he must have had a fork somewhere. Brian reached into his sleeve to retrieve the fork, so he could jam it into the cogs and stop them spinning.

‘I know it’s in here somewhere,’ Brian struggled with his arm swimming in the contents of his sleeve, ‘Ah ha!’ Brain pulled out a banana. ‘Oh, damn’. On his second attempt he pulled out another banana, and on the third, and fourth, and all the way up to nineteenth attempt. Taters stomach grumbled above the noise of the machine as he watched. Brian gave up, he obviously hadn’t quite got the hang of this magic business. Taters mumbled under his breath as Brian sat peeling the banana’s in search for a fork. He soon gave up and walked over to the table to untie the ropes holding Taters down.

‘Ook?’

‘I don’t know, I just would have preferred to stab a fork into one of those cogs’ Brian replied.

‘Ooop!’

‘Sorry, I was just caught up in the moment’

 

Brian stepped out of the room with Taters on his shoulder.

‘There he is!’ A guard shouted

‘Get ‘im!’

 

Back in Ekacnap University , the suspicious wizard that Brian had seen handing a scroll to someone, was locking his room. His name was Chris Evilly, despite his suspicious name, and looks, he was still allowed on the staff at Ekacnap University. Probably because half the other senior teachers are partially blind and can’t remember name’s within seconds of hearing them. The wizard was crept into a dark alley behind the university, he was soon followed by a person in a black cloak.

‘This is that last one! I almost got caught the last time’

‘Don’t worry, we only need one more.’ The voice in the cloak hissed.

‘Remember the name Chris Evilly’

‘I won’t forget to tell them, within a week, this stupid conflict between us and you wizards will be over.’ The voice hissed again, this time in a more friendly way. Chris Evilly handed over a scroll, wrapped in a blue ribbon.

‘I’m glad it didn’t resort to war’. The figure in the cloak flashed blue lights from the hood and then left the alley.

 

 

Please tell me what you think and how I can improve