zarathustrian Posted July 5, 2003 Share Posted July 5, 2003 Hulk's shorts beat Gap jeans any day Linwood Barclay A lot of guys I know would like to get Hulk pants. These are the greatest pants ever invented. (They start off as long pants, but turn into shorts once Hulk gets taller.) These pants have it all over Gap's relaxed fit jeans. A pair of pants that will move with you when you go from 6 to 15 feet tall, and up several waist sizes, that's a pair of pants you want to be wearing after Christmas dinner. When I went to see the new movie The Hulk, I couldn't take my eyes off the title character's shorts. I feel I should explain my reasons. In a movie loaded with special effects, which include, among other things, a mutant attack poodle, these shorts are the most spectacular one. How they manage to stay intact, when the rest of his clothes and shoes end up in tatters, ends up being more astonishing, and harder to believe, than Hulk's ability to leap to the top of the Golden Gate bridge. If you've not seen the movie, you've at least seen the ads and the marketing spinoffs. Comic books, action figures, even minivan sales tie-ins. What's puzzling is that there's no clothing chain trying to get a piece of the action. I think "Hulk Shorts" would do very well among a certain segment of the male population, particularly those who partake of all-you-can-eat buffets, or "wing night" at the local roadhouse. I also think the movie could have done with just one scene that addressed the shorts issue. Maybe Bruce Banner, the scientist who turns into Hulk when he becomes agitated, could have wandered into a Banana Republic or something and approached a salesperson. "What do you have in an elasticized waist?" he could have asked. "Oh yeah, and they have to be purple." How does Bruce Banner know what day to wear purple pants? Does he look in his closet and think, "This is the day I'm going to lose it, this is the day some secret government agency bent on harnessing my powers is going to kidnap and torture me, so I better wear the purple slacks, because as any fashion expert can tell you, purple works well with green." Of course, maybe Hulk's pants weren't quite as comfortable as they appeared to be. It's possible that they were at "maximum stretch" and were feeling just a tad tight. This goes to the heart of my theory as to why Hulk is so irritable. If you're a guy, you know how shorts that do not permit a bit of movement and flexibility can put you in a foul mood for the entire day. When Hulk is destroying helicopters, flinging army tanks across the desert, smashing through walls, maybe this is his way of dealing with Tight Pants Syndrome, or TPS, as it is known in the medical community. Instead of firing rockets and machine guns at Hulk, and trying to bury him in a mountain of rubble, the army should have adopted a different strategy. Sergeant: Okay, I think what we're going to have to do is send someone in there to loosen his pants. Soldier: Couldn't we just drop an atomic bomb on him instead? Sergeant: Or have a team sneak up behind him and pull his pants down. Soldier: Aren't you afraid, sir, of unleashing a weapon of mass destruction? Which brings me to another aspect to all of this. Maybe Hulk's pants don't rip apart because, between his waist and his knees, his body doesn't quite bulk up like the rest of him. You have to ask yourself, what is the point of being exposed to gamma radiation if it makes everything about you bigger, except, well, you know. It's a good thing King Kong was hairy. How to justify putting him in pants would be a challenge for even the most talented screenwriter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaf Posted July 5, 2003 Share Posted July 5, 2003 When I went to see the new movie The Hulk, I couldn't take my eyes off the title character's shorts :devil: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zarathustrian Posted July 6, 2003 Author Share Posted July 6, 2003 Originally posted by jaf :devil: The funny thing is, I was this close to ending the above post with "And don't get any ideas, Jaf". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jaf Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 :grin: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
curacao Posted July 6, 2003 Share Posted July 6, 2003 I'm sure you'll be glad to know this article inspired a very drunken conversation I had while swimming at 2am yesterday .. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zarathustrian Posted July 7, 2003 Author Share Posted July 7, 2003 Originally posted by curacao I'm sure you'll be glad to know this article inspired a very drunken conversation I had while swimming at 2am yesterday .. *nod* That was my plan all along. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egarthen Posted July 7, 2003 Share Posted July 7, 2003 There's already a hulk in my pants, thank you very much Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 7, 2003 Share Posted July 7, 2003 I've been wondering when the cheap jokes would come (as it were). Eh, better late than never. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
remixor Posted July 7, 2003 Share Posted July 7, 2003 Super-Stretchy Hulk Pants : Because you wouldn't like me when I'm naked. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Phil25 Posted July 7, 2003 Share Posted July 7, 2003 Originally posted by Egarthen There's already a hulk in my pants, thank you very much I moved out! You're hulk-less! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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