Homoludens Posted July 19, 2003 Share Posted July 19, 2003 Strings attached A man spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel died of thirst. He's crawling through the sands certain that he has breathed his last breath. All of a sudden he saw an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawled to the object, pulled it out of the sand, and discovered what looked to be an old brief case. He opened it and out popped a genie. But, this was no ordinary genie. He was wearing an IRS ID badge and a dull gray suit. There was a calculator in his pocket. He had a pencil tucked behind one ear. "Well, kid," said the genie. "You know how it works. Three wishes." "I am not falling for this!" said the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor." "What do you have to lose?" You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!" The man thought about this for a minute, and decided that the genie was right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink." ***POOF*** The man found himself in the most beautiful oasis he had ever seen. And, he was surrounded with jugs of wine and endless platters of delicacies. "Okay, kid. What's your second wish?" "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams. "***POOF*** The man found himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems. "Okay, kid. You have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!" After thinking for a few minutes, the man said, "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me." ***POOF*** He was turned into a tampon. The moral of this story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 19, 2003 Author Share Posted July 19, 2003 The Top Ten Things Men Understand About Women 1) 2) 3) 4) 5) 6) 7) 8) 9) 10) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 19, 2003 Author Share Posted July 19, 2003 Prayer For The Stressed God, please grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I cannot accept, and the wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today because they pissed me off. And also, help me to be careful of the toes I step on today as they may be connected to the ass that I may have to kiss tomorrow. Help me to always give 100% at work.... 12% on Monday 23% on Tuesday 40% on Wednesday 20% on Thursday 5% on Fridays And help me to remember.....When I'm having a really bad day, and it seems that people are trying to piss me off, that it takes 42 muscles to frown and only 4 to extend my middle finger and tell them to bite me! Amen Oral fixations and old lace Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?" The other replies, "Oh sure I do." "What do you do about it?" "I suck a Lifesaver," the first lady responds. After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 19, 2003 Author Share Posted July 19, 2003 Wisdoms: Collect them all! Trade with you friends! When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant. ~~~~~~~~ The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. ~~~~~~~~ Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway. ~~~~~~~~ There are two kinds of pedestrians - the quick and the dead. ~~~~~~~~ An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys. ~~~~~~~~ If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?" ~~~~~~~~ Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. ~~~~~~~~ The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. ~~~~~~~ Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection make him a sandwich! ~~~~~~ Get the last word in: Apologize. Thoughts for a Friday: Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks. ~~~~~ Some people are like Slinkies . . . not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs. ~~~~~~~ Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. ~~~~~~~ Have you not noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to. ~~~~~ Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. ~~~~~~~~ All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. ~~~~~ Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents? ~~~~~~~ In the 60's people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. ~~~~~~ Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first. ~~~~~~ How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? ~~~~~~ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 19, 2003 Author Share Posted July 19, 2003 Til Death Do Us Penniless There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, "Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died,she would put all the money in the casket with him. When he finally died he was stretched out in the casket, the wife was sitting before it in black mourning attire, next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute!" She had a shoe box with her, she came over with the box and placed it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away. Her friend said, "I hope you weren't crazy enough to put all that money in the casket." "But I promised him," the widow explained. "I'm a good wife, I can't lie. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him, and so I did." "You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in the casket with him?" "I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together, deposited it all into my bank account, and I wrote him a check." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
amishler Posted July 19, 2003 Share Posted July 19, 2003 A man and woman are enjoying a few drinks at a bar and, after a little conversation, realize they're both doctors. After several more drinks, the man tries his luck and invites the woman back to his place. Back at the house, the woman strips off her clothes, walks to the bathroom and starts scrubbing up as if she's about to perform major surgery. Ten minutes later, she returns to the bedroom and they have sex. Moments after finishing, the man asks, "You're a surgeon, aren't you? "How did you know?" the woman replies. "It was the scrubbing up before we started," he says. "That makes sense," the woman says. "You're an anaesthesiologist, aren't you?" "Wow!" the man says. "How on earth did you know that?" "Because I didn't feel a thing." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curt Posted July 20, 2003 Share Posted July 20, 2003 A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some rectum deodorant. The pharmacist explains to the woman they don't sell rectum deodorant... and that in fact he's never heard of it before. The blonde assures the pharmacist that she has been buying the stuff from this store for years and needs some more. "I'm sorry", says the pharmacist, "we don't have any." "But I always get it here," says the blonde. "Do you have the container it comes in?" asks the pharmacist. "Yes!" said the blonde, "I'll go home and get it." She returns with the container and hands it to the pharmacist who looks at it and says to her, "This is just a normal stick of underarm deodorant." Annoyed, the blonde snatches the container back and reads out loud from the container: "To apply, push up bottom." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 20, 2003 Author Share Posted July 20, 2003 LOL! ...........eiw. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Egarthen Posted July 20, 2003 Share Posted July 20, 2003 Since this thread is actually funny, I'd better stop that with a couple of piratey jokes. Did you hear about that new pirate movie? I hear it's rated Arrrrrr. Or how 'bout that new pirate grocery store? You can get corn for a buck-an-ear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 20, 2003 Author Share Posted July 20, 2003 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mattsius Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 Here's one for all you golf freaks out there (that's just me at AGers, I think ) THIS SIGN WAS POSTED AT A LOCAL GOLF CLUB 1. Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart. 2. Form a loose grip. 3. Keep your head down. 4. Avoid a quick back swing. 5. Stay out of the water. 6. Try not to hit anyone. 7. If you are taking too long, please let others go ahead of you. 8. Don't stand directly in front of others. 9. Quiet please... while others are preparing to go. 10. Don't take extra strokes. Well done. Now flush the urinal, go outside, and tee off! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mattsius Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 Children's Property Laws: 1. If I like it, it's mine 2. If It's in my hand, it's mine 3. If I can take it from you, it's mine. 4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine. 5. If It's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. 6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine. 7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine. 8. If I think it's mine, it's mine. 9. If It's yours and I steal it, it's mine. 10. If I... wait a sec... this isn't the Children's Property Laws, it's Microsoft's Business Plan. That was one for all you Microsoft lovers out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mattsius Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 This is one for all you mother lovers out there (that didn't come out right ) The Captain called the Sergeant in. "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. "Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way, Jones, your mother died, report to the commander." Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?" "Yes, sir," answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful." So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mattsius Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW." That was one for all you car lovers out there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mattsius Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 You guys had enough or are you thirsty for more? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosferatu Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 Originally posted by Mattsius You guys had enough or are you thirsty for more? That'll do Matt. That'll do. (What does this face mean anyway?) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 21, 2003 Author Share Posted July 21, 2003 Originally posted by Moosferatu (What does this face mean anyway?) Isn't it supposed to be this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosferatu Posted July 21, 2003 Share Posted July 21, 2003 That is rather scary looking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DustCropper Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 From an FHM joke book: Joe is being plagued by terrible headaches. One day, after years of suffering, he decides to see a headache specialist. The doctor tells Joe to strip, inspects him all over, and announces that he's found the cause to his problem. "Your testicles are pressing against the base of your spine," says the medic. "The pressure builds up, and you get an excruciating headache." Joe is appaled. "Is there anything I can do about it?" he asks. "I'm afraid I have bad news. I have to get rid of the testicles," answers the doctor. Joe considers the pros and cons of life without balls. But then he thinks about the agony of his daily headaches, and finally decides to go for the snip.... He comes round from the operation and leaves the hospital. Walking along the street, he smiles as he realises that the pain has completely disappeared. To celebrate, he decides to treat himself to some new clothes, so he makes his way to a top tailor to get fitted. Inside the tailor's, he asks to see a pair of trousers. The tailor looks at Joe and says, "You'll need a 36-inch waist, 33-inch inside leg." Joe is amazed at the accuracy of the tailor's eye and asks for a shirt. "You'll need a 42-inch chest, 16-inch neck," the tailor says, and Joe is once again stunned by his accuracy. Finally, all that is left to buy is a pair of underpants. "36?" guesses the tailor. "No, sorry, I'm 34," Joes says. "I've worn 34 since I was 18." "This is not possible," frowns the tailor. "If a man of your size wore a size 34, the pants would press his testicles into the base of his spine, causing the most horrific headaches." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curt Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 Please don't read if you're easily offended by sexually-orientated jokes................... A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughters bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator. "What are you doing?" She exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on a sofa with her vibrator. What are you doing?" He exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband." A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him on the couch. "What the hell are you doing?" She asked. He replied," Watching the cricket with my son-in-law !!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosferatu Posted July 22, 2003 Share Posted July 22, 2003 I think it is funny that you are now only posting jokes, Curt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Homoludens Posted July 22, 2003 Author Share Posted July 22, 2003 Not entirely true, Moos. Curt's also good at lurking in these forums. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosferatu Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 I was going to save this one, but I figured I would forget. This is a true story. No joke... well it is funny. My grandma (like most grandmothers) know next to nothing about computers. But in order to keep in touch with my family while we are in Hungary she got a new computer (this was probably around three years ago). She only every uses it for e-mailing. She came to visit my family in Hungary at the end of this school year, for my brothers graduation. While she was there she used our computer to send e-mails back to her friends in America. On day she was typing at the computer and looks over at my brother and says, "Hey! These keys aren't in alphabetical order!" My brother was shocked and replied, "Yes, Grandma. They are all like that." My grandma then asked, "Then why can I type at my computer back home?" Yes, I am horrible at telling stories, but try to imagine the situation with your own grandma. It really is quite funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Curt Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 Originally posted by Moosferatu I think it is funny that you are now only posting jokes, Curt. Moos, I only ever posted jokes................ it's just that nobody ever got them. How's the US by the way, enjoying yourself? @Intrepid (or Homogenous as he now likes to be known): somebody has to keep an eye on you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moosferatu Posted July 23, 2003 Share Posted July 23, 2003 Originally posted by Curt Moos, I only ever posted jokes................ it's just that nobody ever got them. How's the US by the way, enjoying yourself? LOL ( I hate these new smilies ) It is going pretty well here. I only have a few more weeks until I am off the 56k modem and back to my ADSL. But yes, I am having a good time. What have you been up to? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Archived
This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.