Joke Thread!

[Sam Fisher]

...........

 

 

Why did the zombie baby cross the road?

 

To wreak an unholy vengeance upon the driver of the car who's standing there, scratching his head, trying to figure out how a zombie baby's head can be beneath his car tires but the rest of the body is nowhere to be seen-- unless he were to turn around and notice the zombie baby body bearing down on him, coming ever closer, ready with grasping, pudgy zombie baby fingers to tear and rend at the flesh of this self-same driver who ran his head over, on the dark and rain-swept road that snakes down from the castle of the madman who's creating an army of zombie babies to do his dark, libidinal bidding.

[Joetheeskimo]

You're good at this, Sam

[Sam Fisher]

Thanks, but they aren't mine:)

 

**************

 

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.''

She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

 

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''

[Boba Rhett]

I got one! I got one!

 

 

 

 

A ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small

> village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

>

> He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Welshman "Can I

> talk to your dog?"

>

> Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid git."

>

> Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

>

> Dog: "Doin' all right."

>

> Villager: (look of extreme shock)

>

> Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the

> villager)

>

> Dog: "Yep"

>

> Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

>

> Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me

> great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

>

> Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

>

> Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

>

> Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

>

> Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

>

> Horse: "Cool"

>

> Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

>

> Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

>

> Horse: "Yep"

>

> Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

>

> Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes

> me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the

> elements."

>

> Villager: (total look of amazement)

>

> Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

>

> Villager: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f**king liar!"

[Sam Fisher]

Good one Rhett

 

******************

 

A farmhand is driving 'round the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling — what should I do?''

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."

 

The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

 

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

 

"The blue light on his bike is still flashing!"

[Jared]

LMAO@ rhett.

sam...lol...

*copies to notepad and saves*

[Sam Fisher]

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

 

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

 

"No, said Johnny, but he minded his own freakin' business."

 

 

[TiE23]

What kind of a person r u?

 

Personality Test

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Things to do in the bathroom stall...

 

1. Stick your palm open under the stall wall and ask your neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

 

2. Say "Uh oh, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

 

3. Cheer and clap loudly every time somebody breaks the silence with a bodily function noise.

 

4. Say, "Hmmm, I've never seen that color before."

 

5. Drop a marble and say, "oh shoot!! My glass eye!!"

 

6. Say "Darn, this water is cold."

 

7. Grunt and strain real loud for 30 seconds and then drop a cantaloupe into the toilet bowl from a high place six to eight feet. Sigh relaxingly.

 

8. Say, "Now how did that get there?"

 

9. Say, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

 

10. Fill up a large flask with Mountain Dew. Squirt it erratically under the stall walls of your neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

 

11. Say, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters.

 

12. Using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and drop it under the stall wall of your neighbor. Then say, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

 

13. Say. "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

 

14. Say, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot"

 

15. Say, "Darn, I Knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

 

16. Play a well known drum cadence over and over again on your butt cheeks.

 

17. Before you unroll toilet paper, conspicuously lay down your "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

 

18. Lower a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so you can see your neighbor and say, "Peek-a-boo!"

 

19. Drop a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sing "Born Free"

 

20. When you're in a bathroom stall take a Snickers candy bar with you and when someone is next to you, squish it in your hand and reach under the stall wall and say "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

 

 

TiE

[Sam Fisher]

That was good Tie:) I've seen those though.

 

**************

 

An old cowhand came riding into town on a hot, dry, dusty day. The local sheriff watched from his chair in front of the saloon as the cowboy wearily dismounted and tied his horse to the rail. The cowboy then moved slowly to the back of his horse, lifted its tail, and placed a big kiss where the sun don't shine. He dropped the horse's tail, stepped up on the walk and aimed toward the swinging doors of the saloon.

"Hold on there, Mister," said the sheriff. "Did I just see what I think I saw?"

 

"Reckon you did, Sheriff. I got me some powerful chapped lips."

 

"And that cures them?" the Sheriff asked.

 

"Nope, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

[TiE23]

100 ways to order a pizza the fun way...

 

1. If using a touch-tone, press random numbers while ordering. Ask person taking the order to stop doing that.

 

2. Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.

 

3. Use CB lingo where applicable.

 

4. Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.

 

5. Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."

 

6. Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and you're going with the lowest bidder.

 

7. Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.

 

8. Answer their questions with questions.

 

9. In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition, ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.

 

10. Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT SYSTEM.

 

11. Tell them to put the crust on top this time.

 

12. Sing the order to the tune of your favorite song from Metallica's "Master of Puppets" CD.

 

13. Do not name the toppings you want. Rather, spell them out.

 

14. Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."

 

15. Stutter on the letter "p."

 

16. Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's, ask for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)

 

17. Ask what the order taker is wearing.

 

18. Crack your knuckles into the receiver.

 

19. Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, then behave as if they called you.

 

20. Rattle off your order with a determined air. If asked "Would you like drinks with that?", panic and become disoriented.

 

21. Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.

 

22. Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.

 

23. Change your accent every three seconds.

 

24. Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows from an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.

 

25. Act like you know the order taker from somewhere. Say "Bed-Wetters' Camp, right?"

 

26. Start your order with "I'd like. . . ". A little later, slap yourself and say "No, I don't."

 

27. If they repeat the order to make sure they have it right, say "OK. That'll be $10.99; please pull up to the first window."

 

28. Rent a pizza.

 

29. Order while using an electric knife sharpener.

 

30. Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a sigh of relief.

 

31. Put the accent on the last syllable of "pepperoni." Use the long "i" sound.

 

32. Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."

 

33. Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say "Well, so is this! You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer proof that it is, in fact, (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you know what it's like to be lied to?"

 

34. Move the mouthpiece farther and farther from your lips as you speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and scream goodbye at the top of your lungs.

 

35. Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.

 

36. Imitate the order taker's voice.

 

37. Eliminate verbs from your speech.

 

38. When they say "What would you like?" say, "Huh? Oh, you mean now."

 

39. Play a sitar in the background.

 

40. Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate if the deliverer hid behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can surprise him/her.

 

41. Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.

 

42. Ask to see a menu.

 

43. Quote Carl Sandberg.

 

44. Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.

 

45. Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.

 

46. Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.

 

47. Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be ashamed.

 

48. Order a slice, not a whole pizza.

 

49. Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best, Gaston!"

 

50. Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself, and say "Where was I? Who are you?"

 

51. Psychoanalyze the order taker.

 

52. Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.

 

53. Order two toppings, then say, "No, they'll start fighting."

 

54. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that these be included in the pizza.

 

55. Call to complain about service. Later, call to say you were drunk and didn't mean it.

 

56. Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's fired.

 

57. Report a petty theft to the order taker.

 

58. Use expletives like "Great Caesar's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and Mary in Tinsel Town."

 

59. Ask for the guy who took your order last time.

 

60. If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be swayed by your sweet words."

 

61. Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.

 

62. Try to talk while drinking something.

 

63. Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1, and. . . action!"

 

64. Ask if the pizza is organically grown.

 

65. Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.

 

66. Be vague in your order.

 

67. When they repeat your order, say "Again, with a little more OOMPH this time."

 

68. If using a touch-tone press 9-1-1 every 5 seconds throughout the order.

 

69. After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does." Simulate a cutoff.

 

70. Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This may be my last entry."

 

71. State your order and say that's as far as this relationship is going to get.

 

72. Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.

 

73. Say "Kssssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they felt that.

 

74. Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.

 

75. When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.

 

76. Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at regular intervals to play it.

 

77. Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.

 

78. Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress that you won't take any crap from some two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.

 

79. Put them on hold.

 

80. Teach the order taker a scret code. Use the code on all subsequent orders.

 

81. Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat that, say "I said 'sauce smothered with meat'."

 

82. Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to respond.

 

83. When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it, do you?"

 

84. When you'ge given the price, say "Ooooooo, that sounds complicated. I hate math."

 

85. Haggle.

 

86. Order a one-inch pizza.

 

87. Order term life insurance.

 

88. When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out, won't we?"

 

89. Order with a Speak-n-Spell where applicable.

 

90. Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.

 

91. While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Fluctuate pitch often; act embarrassed.

 

92. Engage in some serious swapping.

 

93. Dance all around the word "pizza." Avoid saying it at all costs. If he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."

 

94. Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the background. Yell "OW!" when a bullet is fired.

 

95. If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.

 

96. Ask if the pizza has had its shots.

 

97. Order a steamed pizza.

 

98. Get taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This is your (time of day) wake-up call, So-and-so." Hang up.

 

99. Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.

 

If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker, 100. Say, in your best pouty voice, "Last guy let me do it."

 

TiE

[Sam Fisher]

I'm gonna have to try some of those....

 

************

 

A little girl was failing math. Her mother enrolled her in Catholic school in the hopes to improve her math grades. During the first marking period, her mother noticed a dramatic improvement in her math studies. The girl would refuse playing with friends and eating dessert after dinner in order to study more.

On report card day, her mother was astonished to see that her daughter got an A+ in math. She asked her daughter, “Why the sudden change of attitude about math -- do the nuns punish you?” The girl replied, “No, but when I saw the little man on the wall nailed to the plus sign, I knew that this school is very serious about math!”

[TiE23]

Mother Taught Me

 

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE -

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning!"

 

My mother taught me RELIGION -

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

 

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL -

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

 

My mother taught me LOGIC -

"Because I said so, that's why."

 

My Mother taught me more LOGIC -

"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

 

My mother taught me FORESIGHT -

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

 

My mother taught me IRONY -

"Keep crying and I'll give you something to cry about."

 

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS -

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

 

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONIST -

"Will you "look" at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

 

My mother taught me about STAMINA -

"You'll sit there 'till all that spinach is finished."

 

My mother taught me about WEATHER -

"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."

 

My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS -

"If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen THEN?"

 

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY -

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times - Don't Exaggerate!!!"

 

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE -

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

 

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION -

"Stop acting like your father!"

 

My mother taught me about ENVY -

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"

 

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION -

"Just wait until we get home."

 

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING -

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

 

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE -

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

 

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD -

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

 

My Mother taught me ESP -

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

 

My mother taught me HUMOR -

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

 

My mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT -

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

 

My Mother taught me about GENETICS -

"You're just like your father."

 

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS -

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

 

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE -

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

 

And my all time favorite... JUSTICE -

"One day you'll have kids ... and I hope they turn out just like you!"

 

 

TiE

[Sam Fisher]

Seen those too.

 

***********

Here's a good one, but slightly vulgar.

 

 

CNN Late Breaking News!

It has been reported that Osama bin Laden was captured this morning at 4:22 AM Pacific Standard Time by U.S. Special Forces.

 

The main suspect of the attack on the World Trade Center in New York City, bin Laden was captured at gunpoint as he fled an underground tunnel in a deserted mountainside of southern Afghanistan.

 

Northern Alliance troops, who witnessed the events unfold, explained that moments earlier United States war planes had sprayed liquid Viagra across southern Afghanistan, and the little prick just popped up!

 

 

[TiE23]

 

LOL

 

 

!!! Fortune Cookie 2004 !!!

 

TiE

[Sam Fisher]

That was good, Tie

 

*************

 

The Mystery of Childbirth

 

A boy was assigned a paper on childbirth and asked his parents, "How was I born?"

"Well honey..." said the slightly prudish parent, "the stork brought you to us."

 

"Oh," said the boy. "Well, how did you and daddy get born?" he asked.

 

"Oh, the stork brought us too."

 

"Well how were grandpa and grandma born?" he persisted.

 

"Well darling, the stork brought them too!" said the parent, by now starting to squirm a little in the Lazy Boy recliner.

 

Several days later, the boy handed in his paper to the teacher who read with confusion the opening sentence:

"This report has been very difficult to write due to the fact that there hasn't been a natural childbirth in my family for three generations."

[[RAA]-=Chi3f=-]

A man walks into a bar.......oww!

 

 

 

Q) What kind of meat did the Priest have for Sunday dinner?

 

A) Nun (none).

 

 

That's all I can tell here, lol. The other 95% of the jokes I know are pretty sick and I don't dare repeat.

 

[Largo-LaGrande]

heres one that isnt that rude but 2 sum people it may b

 

there were some people painting the inside of a church before a big party

but they kept getting paint on there good cloaths

so they decided to take them off while they painted and put them back on after they finished , and lock the church doors

while they were painting they heard a knock at the door

a voice said "let me in its a blind man"

so they thourght it would be alright to let him in since hes blind

so they unlocked the doors

and the man said

"nice boobs where do u want the blinds"

[TiE23]

Hello Alison!!!

Had to say that for some reason...

 

*********************

 

Poor Joe.....

*********************

*********************

Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?

A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

*********************

GoOd NiGhT!!!!

 

 

TiE

[Sam Fisher]

Those are good:D

 

********************

 

The other day, my friends and I went to this Ladies Night Club. One of the girls wanted to impress us, so she pulled out a $10 bill. The dancer came over to us, and my friend licked the $10 and stuck it on his butt.

Not to be outdone, my other friend pulled out a $50 bill. She called the guy back over, licked the $50 bill and stuck it on his other butt cheek.

 

Now the attention was focused on me. What could I do to top that? I got out my wallet and thought for a minute. Then the banker in me took over. I got my ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.

[TiE23]

Squeky clean... lol

 

***************

ROFLMAO.... INCLREDIBLY FUNNY JOKES AHEAD.... about toilet time...

 

 

 

I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....

 

The Perfect Dump

 

Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

 

 

 

The Beer Dump

 

Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

 

 

 

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)

 

Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

 

 

 

The Empty Roll Dump

 

Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

 

 

 

The Splash Back Dump

 

This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

 

 

 

The Childbirth Dump

 

This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

 

 

 

The Machine Gun Dump

 

Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

 

 

 

The Sound Effect Dump

 

You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

 

 

 

The Cling-On Dump

 

You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

 

 

 

The Whole Roll Dump

 

No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

 

 

 

The Encore Dump

 

Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

 

 

 

The Houdini Dump

 

You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

 

 

TiE

[Joetheeskimo]

Sheesh...I never thought anyone would be so serious about that stuff...

[Sam Fisher]

OMG! That's the best yet

 

**************The Golfer and the Leprechaun

 

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th hole. He tees up and cranks one. Unfortunately, it goes into the woods on the side of the fairway.

He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy with this huge knot on his head, and the golf ball lying right beside him. "Goodness," says the golfer, and proceeds to revive the poor little guy.

 

Upon awaking, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."

 

The man says, "I can''t take anything from you, I''m just glad I didn''t hurt you too badly," and walks away.

 

Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun thinks, "Well, he was a nice enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I''ll give him the three things that I would want. I''ll give him unlimited money, a great golf game, and a great love life."

 

Well, a year goes past and the same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks how he is doing.

 

The leprechaun says, "I''m fine, and might I ask how your golf game is?"

 

The golfer says, "It''s great! I hit under par every time."

 

The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

 

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."

 

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?" The leprechaun says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your money is holding out?"

 

The golfer says, "Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I pull out a ten pound note."

 

The leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how your love life is?"

 

The golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, I have a date maybe once or twice a week."

 

The leprechaun is floored and stammers, "Only once or twice a week?!"

 

The golfer, a little embarrassed, looks at him and says, "Well, that''s not too bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish."

[TiE23]

Originally posted by SamFisher

OMG! That's the best yet

 

Thank you very much, lol

 

Some fun things to do the next time you're on one of those long international flights to kill time...

 

Pinch the stewardess' butt as she passes.

 

When two people kiss in the in flight movie, belch real loud.

 

When there's any nudity, hoot really loudly for a few minutes.

 

Fart loudly and act shocked, looking around to see who did it.

 

Fiddle around with the emergency exit, then ask a fellow passenger if he has a crowbar.

 

Hijack the cockpit and, over the loudspeaker, announce that the first class passengers and luggage are to switch places.

 

Run down the aisle screaming, "He's got a bomb! He's got a bomb!".

 

Go into the bathroom and make rude bodily noises, then come out looking refreshed.

 

"Accidental" soda spill on the dork next to you.

 

Give someone a coin, saying "Heads, I detonate the bomb. Tails, I don't".

 

Go into the bathroom, drop your pants, then come out, yelling "We're out of toilet paper! Stewardess!".

 

Describe your sex life in great detail to the five-year-old next to you.

 

Lead a bible study session in the back of the plane.

 

Start a hot dog stand.

 

Steal businessman's laptop, play solitaire on it.

 

Remark that perhaps you shouldn't have put super glue in your underpants that morning.

 

Pick your nose and pat the person next to you.

 

Show off your Batman underwear.

 

Switch accents and see if anyone notices.

 

Sneak into the cockpit and hit the warning alarm.

 

Scratch your butt, then sniff your finger.

 

Go into the cockpit, flick on the intercom light, then loudly inquire as to why the fuel dial says "e".

 

Go into the cockpit, ask the pilot in an obnoxious voice "Why do they call it the ****pit?" then snort as if it's the funniest thing in the world.

 

Don't use deodorant, then "accidentally" stick your armpit in someone's face.

 

Sneeze, using somebody's sleeve instead of your hand to cover it.

 

Snort when you laugh.

 

Tell corny jokes and laugh like it's absolutely hilarious, then expect others to do the same.

 

Ride carry-on luggage down the aisle, yelling "Yeee-ha!".

 

With a desperate look, ask the stewardess where the bathroom is, then look relieved and say "Never mind. Do you have any towels?".

 

Jump up and scream "AAAHHH!! I left the stove on!!".

 

Ask someone for their autograph, pretending that you think they're Kevin Costner or Goldie Hawn (This best then the person looks nothing like the movie star in question)

 

If someone has a bad toupee, whack it off.

 

Pretend you're flying the plane.

 

Get some rub-on tattoos and a leather jacket, pretend that you belong to a biker gang.

 

Take over the plane with a toy gun.

 

Yell to someone "Is it time to hijack the plane yet?" (Note: Do this when there are stewardess nearby).

 

To the person next to you, say "It's amazing that they didn't notice the grenade in my luggage.

 

 

 

TiE

[Sam Fisher]

A stoner walks into a gas station and asks the dude at the counter, "Got any weed?" The man politely replied, "Um, no sir. We do not sell marijuana here." So he left.

The same guy comes back the next day and says, "Got any weed?" The man behind the counter, although slightly annoyed, patiently replied, "No sir. We don't sell marijuana." So the man went home.

 

He goes once again to the gas station. And again, he says to the guy working there, "Got any weed?" By this time the other dude was pissed. He yells, "You freakin' refer-lovin', pot-head burn-out! I told you, we don't sell that crap here! If you ever come back in here asking for that filthy crap again, I'll nail your freaking feet to the floor. Got it? Now beat it before I call the cops." So the stoner left.

 

The next day he went back to the same old place with a dopey smile on his face. He went to the cashier and said, "Got any nails?" The man hesitated, then replied, "um, no. . . sir, we don't sell nails here." The stoner grinned. "Got any weed?"

[RoxStar]

It took a few reads but I got that last one.