TiE23 Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Think Before You Leap (21 July 2001, Idaho) When his brakes failed while driving down a steep mountain road, Marco bailed out on his eight passengers and leapt from his Dodge van. Too bad Marco didn't alert the others to the problem before he took flight so precipitously. Another passenger was able to bring the vehicle to a stop a short distance away. Marco struck his head on the pavement and died at the scene. No one else was injured. BulletProof (March 2001, Ghana) Tribal clashes are common in Northern Ghana, and people often resort to witchcraft with the hope of becoming invulnerable to weapons. For example, Aleobiga, 23, and fifteen fellow believers who purchased a "magical" potion to render them invincible to bullets. After smearing the magical lotion over their bodies for two weeks, Aleobiga volunteered to test the spell. He stood in a clearing while his friends raised their weapons, aimed, fired... You'd think he would have tested the spell on a non-essential body part first. Aleobiga is now roaming the Great Savannah in the sky, and the jujuman who supplied the defective magic was beaten for his failure. TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 29, 2003 Author Share Posted October 29, 2003 ************* I once had a pet pig named Belle. One day I decided to let Belle have his freedom. When I let Belle go, he ran as fast as he could into a fence post. I could see three ribs exposed. Belle was dead! I decided to take Belle to a vet. The vet did an autopsy, he concluded Belle died from Suey Side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kylilin Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Over the line? What are you a bunch of Puritans? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jared Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Originally posted by Kylilin Over the line? What are you a bunch of Puritans? lol I was joking, I really didnt throw up. ^^ it was more sick than funny, but hey. besides, some of the jokes by the other people here really did make me want to vomit. you guys have gave me a very good laugh with these jokes...so.. thanks, I needed that. My life...isnt exactly the greatest right now. Sometimes laughter is the best medicine;) more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kylilin Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 This woman walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist for some arsenic. "What for?" he asks. She says, "I want to kill my husband." He says, "Sorry, I can't do that." She then reaches into her handbag, pulls out a photo of her husband kissing the pharmacist's wife, and hands it to him. He says, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kain Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Retard Joe gets a job selling the New Blue Cheer(its laundry detergent, jsyk) door to door. He goes to the first house and knocks. A man answers and Joe says 'I'm selling the new Blue Cheer. Give me your dirtiest cloths and I'll wash them for you'. So the man gives him some work pants. Joe goes to work, singing 'Washy washy washy in the New Blue Cheer. Rinsey rinsey rinsey till the water turns clear. Put it to your nose, smells like a rose'. The man is astounded and buys a case. Joe moves on. At the next house he knocks and another man answers. Again Joe asks for his dirties cloths and the man gives him some old workshirts. Joe goes to work singing 'Washy washy washy in the New Blue Cheer. Rinsey rinsey rinsey till the water turns clear. Put it to your nose, smells like a rose'. The man is amazed and buys 2 cases. At the next house, Joe knocks on the door and this huge, fat, sweaty, bulbouse, beast of a woman answers the door. Joe asks for her dirtiest cloths and she hands him her current pair of panties, which have screech marks, dried blood, the works. Joe goes to work signing 'Washy washy washy in the New Blue Cheer. Rinsey rinsey rinsey till the water turns clear. Put it to your nose...........Washy washy washy -' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kylilin Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Originally posted by Kain Retard Joe gets a job selling the New Blue Cheer(its laundry detergent, jsyk) door to door. He goes to the first house and knocks. A man answers and Joe says 'I'm selling the new Blue Cheer. Give me your dirtiest cloths and I'll wash them for you'. So the man gives him some work pants. Joe goes to work, singing 'Washy washy washy in the New Blue Cheer. Rinsey rinsey rinsey till the water turns clear. Put it to your nose, smells like a rose'. The man is astounded and buys a case. Joe moves on. At the next house he knocks and another man answers. Again Joe asks for his dirties cloths and the man gives him some old workshirts. Joe goes to work singing 'Washy washy washy in the New Blue Cheer. Rinsey rinsey rinsey till the water turns clear. Put it to your nose, smells like a rose'. The man is amazed and buys 2 cases. At the next house, Joe knocks on the door and this huge, fat, sweaty, bulbouse, beast of a woman answers the door. Joe asks for her dirtiest cloths and she hands him her current pair of panties, which have screech marks, dried blood, the works. Joe goes to work signing 'Washy washy washy in the New Blue Cheer. Rinsey rinsey rinsey till the water turns clear. Put it to your nose...........Washy washy washy -' Nice... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted October 29, 2003 Share Posted October 29, 2003 Originally posted by Kain At the next house, Joe knocks on the door and this huge, fat, sweaty, bulbouse, beast of a woman answers the door. Joe asks for her dirtiest cloths and she hands him her current pair of panties, which have screech marks, dried blood, the works. Joe goes to work signing 'Washy washy washy in the New Blue Cheer. Rinsey rinsey rinsey till the water turns clear. Put it to your nose...........Washy washy washy -' Yo mama like a hockey player, she dosn't change her pads for 3 periods.... I just had to say that. 5 September 1999, Jerusalem In most parts of the world, the switch away from Daylight Saving Time proceeds smoothly. But the time change raised havoc with Palestinian terrorists this year. Israel insisted on a premature switch from Daylight Savings Time to Standard Time to accommodate a week of pre-sunrise prayers. Palestinians refused to live on "Zionist Time." Two weeks of scheduling havoc ensued. Nobody knew the "correct" time. At precisely 5:30pm on Sunday, two coordinated car bombs exploded in different cities, killing three terrorists who were transporting the bombs. It was initially believed that the devices had been detonated prematurely by klutzy amateurs. A closer look revealed the truth behind the explosions. The bombs had been prepared in a Palestine-controlled area, and set to detonate on Daylight Saving Time. But the confused drivers had already switched to Standard Time. When they picked up the bombs, they neglected to ask whose watch was used to set the timing mechanism. As a result, the cars were still en-route when the explosives detonated, delivering the terrorists to their untimely demises. Actual 'Country' Song Titles... 1. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure 2. How Can I Miss You, If You Won't Go Away? 3. Get Your Biscuits In The Oven, And Your Buns In Bed 4. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth, 'Cause I'm Kissing You Good-bye 5. I Don't Know Whether To Kill Myself, Or Go Bowling 6. She Got The Ring and I Got The Finger 7. You're The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly 8. I Just Bought a Car From a Guy That Stole My Girl, but The Car Don't Run; so I figure we Got An Even Deal 9. I Keep Forgetten' I Forgot About You 10. I Liked You Better, Before I Knew You So Well 11. I Still Miss You Baby, But My Aim's Gettin' Better 12. I Wouldn't Take Her To a Dog Fight, Cause I'm Afraid She'd Win 13. I'll Marry You Tomorrow, But Let's Honeymoon Tonight 14. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like Having You Here 15. Please Bypass this Heart? 16. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I'd Be Out By Now 17. Mama Get a Hammer (There's a Fly On Papa's Head) 18. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don't Love Jesus 19. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, and I Sure Do Miss Him TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 29, 2003 Author Share Posted October 29, 2003 50 Things to Do in a Mall 1. Ride mechanical horses with coins fished out of the reflecting pond. 2. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big. 3. Dial 900 numbers from demonstration phones in Radio Shack. 4. Sneeze on the sample tray at Hickory Farms and helpfully volunteer to consume its now unwanted contents. 5. At the bottom of an escalator, scream 'MY SHOELACES! AAAGH!' 6. Ask the sales personnel at the music store whether inflated CD prices are in pesos or rubles. 7. Teach pet store parrots new vocabulary that makes them unsalable. 8. Stomp on ketchup packets at Burger King... 9. ...but save a few to slurp on as snacks. Tell people that they're 'astronaut food'. 10. Follow patrons of B. Dalton's around while reading aloud from 'Dianetics.' 11. Ask mall cops for stories of World War I. 12. Ask a salesman why a particular TV is labeled black and white and insist that it's a color set. When he disagrees, give him a strange look and say, 'You mean you really can't see it?' 13. Construct a new porch deck in the tool department of Sears. 14. Wear pancake makeup and new clothes and pose as a fashion dummy in clothes departments, occasionally screaming without warning. 15. Test mattresses in your pajamas. 16. Ask the tobaccanist if his hovercraft is full of eels. 17. If you're patient, stare intently into a surveillance camera for an hour while rocking from side to side. 18. Sprint up the down escalator. 19. Stare at static on a display TV and challenge other shoppers whether they, too, can see the 'hidden picture'. 20. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish. 21. Make unusual requests at the Piercing Pagoda. 22. Ask a salesperson in the hardware department how well a particular saw cuts through bone. 23. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils, and whether there's much meat on them. 24. Hula dance by the demonstration air conditioner. 25. Ask for red-tinted lenses at the optometrist. 26. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray *them* with your own bottle of Eau de Swane. 27. Rummage through the jelly bean bin at the candy store, insisting that you lost a contact lens. 28. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard. 29. In the changing rooms, announce in a singsong voice, 'I see London, I see France...' 30. Leave on the plastic string connecting a new pair of shoes, and wander around the mall taking two-inch steps. 31. Play the tuba for change. 32. Ask the Hammond organ dealer if he can play 'Jesus Built My Hotrod'. 33. Record belches on electronic sampling keyboards, and perform gastric versions of Jingle Bells for admiring onlookers. 34. Ask the pharmacist at the drugstore which leading cold remedy will 'give you a really wicked buzz'. 35. Ask the personnel at Pier 1 Imports whether they have 'any giant crap made out of straw'. 36. 'Toast' plastic gag hot dogs in front of the fake fireplace display. 37. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts. 38. Ask the information desk for a stroller, and someone to push you around in it. 39. Change every TV in the electronics department to a station showing 'Saved by the Bell'. Chant the dialogue in a robotic voice, and scream if anyone tries to switch channels on one of the sets. 40. Hang out in the waterbed section of the furniture department wearing a Navy uniform. Occasionally run around in circles yelling 'scratch one flattop!' 41. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are 'leakproof'. 42. 'Play' the demo modes of video games at the arcade. Make lots of explosion noises. 43. Stand transfixed in front of a mirror bobbing your head up and down. 44. Pay for all your purchases with two-dollar bills to provoke arguments over whether they're real. 45. If it's Christmas, ask the mall Santa to sit on *your* lap. 46. Answer any unattended service phones that ring in department stores and say 'Domino's.' 47. Try on flea collars at the pet store while occasionally pausing to scratch yourself. 48. At the stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed. 49. Show people your driver's license and demand to know 'whether they've seen this man.' 50. Buy a jawbreaker from the candy store. Return fifteen minutes later, fish it out of your mouth, and demand to know why it hasn't turned blue yet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 ROFLMFAO!!! *********************** (COPIED EXERPT FROM THIS PAGE ) I've seen this photo on several sites over the years, and the story ranges from "this is an alien" to "this is a decomposing guy in a ravine". This is the supposed real story, edited a bit to make the English better: Bashar writes, "This is a true story in Ras el Khaimah, United Arab Emerites. This picture has been released as a police report evidence in the UAE. The story is that a young man went in the caves in Ras el Khaimah to take pictures in caves known to be deserted, with a friend. He had been warned not to go. The person who had been with him called the police saying he had seen his friend's flash go off and then his friend screamed. He called his friend but never got an answer and got scared that he'd fallen so went to the police. A few hours later they found the man in the cave dead and the single picture found in his camera is this one." This kind of looks like me when I wake up in the morning, before my coffee. I'l lleave it up to you to find the truth..Muuuuuhahahaha (Well, not a real joke, just wanted to) Ohh, here proof to show its authenticity .... *Upper right if your that blind* Nice photo shop work... lol TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 30, 2003 Author Share Posted October 30, 2003 *************** Yogi Berra Quotes "Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours." "Baseball is 90 percent mental. The other half is physical." "Because it gets late early." (On why it's so tough to play left field in Yankee stadium.) "If the people don't want to come out to the park, nobody's gonna stop them." "It ain't over till it's over." "It's deja vu all over again." "No wonder nobody comes here; it's too crowded." "We have very deep depth!" "We made too many wrong mistakes." "You can observe a lot by just watching." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!" So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!" Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day an Indian boy asked his father why they have such long names? The dad answers, "Well son whenever a Indian baby is born the father would go outside and name the baby after the first thing he sees... Why do you ask Two Dogs ****ing." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and were very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep. Then, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic pool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump off the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in." So the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian, yells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy was money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of money. The third guy jumps, when a bird ****s on his head, and he yells "Oh ****!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language. Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today". "For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000. She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad. Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play." Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with." Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?" Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed." The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door. Mom : "Now what do I do?" Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some ****ing ice cream." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- An 80 year old couple were having problems remembering things, so they decided to go to their doctor to get checked out to make sure nothing was wrong with them. When they arrived at the doctors, they explained to the doctor about the problems they were having with their memory. After checking the couple out, the doctor told them that they were physically okay but might want to start writing things down and make notes to help them remember things. The couple thanked the doctor and left. Later that night while watching TV, the man got up from his chair and his wife asked, "Where are you going?" He replied, "To the kitchen." She asked, "Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?" He replied, "Sure." She then asked him, "Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?" He said, "No, I can remember that." She then said, "Well I would also like some strawberries on top. You had better write that down because I know you'll forget that." He said, "I can remember that, you want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries." She replied, "Well I also would like whipped cream on top. I know you will forget that so you better write it down." With irritation in his voice, he said, "I don't need to write that down! I can remember that." He then fumes into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes he returned from the kitchen and handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She stared at the plate for a moment and said angrily: "I TOLD you to write it down! You forgot my toast!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!" Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient. "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Mr.Johnson and his secretary are on a train to Paris. They are just about to go to sleep when the secretary, who has the hots for her boss says in a seductive voice, I'm a little cold, could I borrow your blanket? The man says how would you like to be Mrs. Johnson for awhile? The secretary jumps at the chance and begins to get out of bed. Then he replies, good, then you can get your own damn blanket. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A burglar breaks into a house. He sees a CD player that he wants so he takes it. Then he hears a voice "JESUS is watching you". He looks around with his flashlight wandering "What The HELL Was That?". He spots some $ on a table and takes it......Once again he hears a voice " JESUS is watching you". He hides in a corner trying to find where the voice came from. He spots a birdcage with a parrot in it! He goes over and asks " Was that your voice?". It said "YES". He then says "What's your name?". It says "MOSES". The burglar says " What kind of person names his bird moses??" The parrot replys "THE SAME PERSON THAT NAMES HIS ROTWEILER "JESUS". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- During their silver anniversary, a wife reminded her husband: Do you remember when you proposed to me, I was so overwhelmed that I didn't talk for an hour?" The hubby replied: "Yes, honey, that was the happiest hour of my life." -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A soldier was given the job of hunting for buffalo. To help him, he hired an Indian Scout. The two of them set off on their journey to find buffalo. After riding awhile, the Indian gets off his horse, puts his ear to the ground and says "Humm, buffalo come". The soldier scans the area with his binoculars, but sees nothing. He is confused and says to the Indian, "I do not see anything, how do you know buffalo come"? and the Indian replies, "ear sticky". -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A guy walks past a mental hospital and hears a moaning voice "13.......13.......13.........13" the man looked over to the hospital and saw a hole in the wall, he looked through the hole and gets poked in the eye. The moaning voice then groaned '14.........14.........14.......14.' -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- A hobo comes up to the front door of a neat looking farmhouse and raps gently on the door. When the farm owner answers, the hobo asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days." The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal." So the hobo goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in." The hobo says, "Thank you very much, sir. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a Porsche you got there. It's a BMW." TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 30, 2003 Author Share Posted October 30, 2003 Woah. Some of those are mean! ****************** There was an Aggie, a Longhorn, and a Bug Eater. They attempted to rob a bank but got caught. They went to court and were sentenced to the electric chair. The guys operating it told them that if they survived they were free to go. The Longhorn went first. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He told them no. He pressed the button and nothing happened so he was free to go. The bug eater went next. They asked him if he had any last words to say. He said no and pressed the button. Nothing happened and he was free to go. The Aggie went next. They asked him if he had any last words. "I think if you plug the chair in, it'll work better." No offense to Aggies Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 *Warning: Language and Content* ROFLMAO! ---> Top Ten #1 And Top Ten #2 EDIT: LOL look in the upper right corner of the top ten page, and click the "Boss Button"! Heres a little piece from the top ten lists... TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER 10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his. 9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it. 8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler. 7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago." 6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine. 5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch. 4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast. 3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth." 2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill. 1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- And OXYMORONS!!!!! LOL Act naturally Happily married Microsoft Works Holy war Found missing Resident alien Minor Catastrophe Affordable housing Near miss Great depression Canadian army Phone sex United nations Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Death benefits Airline Food Women's rights Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Sensitive man Government organization Everything except Civil War Good kid Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream British fashion Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Butt Head Military Intelligence Software documentation New York culture New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof "Now, then" Synthetic natural gas Christian Scientists Passive aggressive Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force Extinct Life Temporary tax increase New and improved Computer jock Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks Definite maybe Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Rap music Working vacation Exact estimate Religious tolerance Freezer Burn Honest Politician Jumbo Shrimp Loners Club Postal Service TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 Woman - A Chemical Analysis Element : Woman Symbol : Wo Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175. Discoverer : Adam Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations. Physical Properties : a) Surface usually covered with painted film. b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. c) Melts if given special treatment. d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care! e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore. f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points. Chemical Properties : a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones. b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates. d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point. e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense. f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man. Uses : a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels. c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances. d) Can cool things down when it's too hot. Tests : a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. Caution : a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling . b) Illegal to possess more than one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sivy Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 good stuff rhetton heres one.. a young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. one morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled "Stop making love down there!" "What's the matter with you?" the husband said when the sailor climbed down. '"We weren't making love." "Sorry," said the sailor, "from up there it looked like you were." every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. with great difficulty, he made his way to the top. the husband says to himself, "by golly he's right! It DOES look like they're making love down there!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 30, 2003 Author Share Posted October 30, 2003 **************** At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth” -- even when you don't know anything. The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don't tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don't say a word to your mother.” Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, “Then come give your FATHER a big hug.” Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kain Posted October 30, 2003 Share Posted October 30, 2003 Gay Frank walks into his Doctor's office to get a physical. The doctor comes back and says 'Frank, you've got AIDS'. Frank says 'Thats horrible! What can I do?!'. The doctor replies 'I want you to go home and eat 5 soft tacos, 5 hard tacos, 10 bean burritos, 10 plates of nachos with everything on em, 10 enchiladas, 3 pounds of spahgetti, and 7 bottles of tobasco sauce'. Frank asks 'Will that cure me?' to which the doctor replies 'No, but it'll show you what your ass is for' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 31, 2003 Author Share Posted October 31, 2003 A mystery-lover takes his place in the theater for opening night, but his seat is way back in the theater, far from the stage. The man calls an usher over and whispers, ''I just love a good mystery, and I have been anxiously anticipating the opening of this play. However, in order to carefully follow the clues and fully enjoy the play, I have to watch a mystery close up. Look how far away I am! If you can get me a better seat, I'll give you a handsome tip.'' The usher nods and says he will be back shortly. Looking forward to a large tip, the usher speaks with his co-workers in the box office, hoping to find some closer tickets. With just three minutes left until curtain, he finds an unused ticket at the Will Call window and snatches it up. Returning to the man in the back of the theater, he whispers, ''Follow me.'' The usher leads the man down to the second row, and proudly points out the empty seat right in the middle. ''Thanks so much,'' says the theatergoer, ''This seat is perfect.'' He then hands the usher a quarter. The usher looks down at the quarter, leans over and whispers, ''The butler did it in the parlor with the candlestick.'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Loki GM Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 ive got a few dead baby jokes but I doubt that any of you would want to read them Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jared Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 Originally posted by Boba Rhett Woman - A Chemical Analysis Element : Woman Symbol : Wo Atomic Weight : Accepted as 118, but known to vary 105-175. Discoverer : Adam Occurrence : Copious quantities in all Urban areas, with slightly lower concentrations in Suburban and Rural areas. Subject to seasonal fluctuations. Physical Properties : a) Surface usually covered with painted film. b) Boils at nothing, freezes without reason. c) Melts if given special treatment. d) Bitter if used incorrectly. Can cause headaches. Handle with care! e) Found in various states; ranging from virgin metal to common ore. f) Yields to pressure applied to correct points. Chemical Properties : a) Has great affinity for Gold, Silver, Platinum and many precious stones. b) Absorbs great quantities of expensive substances. c) May explode spontaneously if left alone on dates. d) Insoluble in liquids, but there is increased activity when saturated in alcohol to a certain point. e) Repels cheap material. Neutral to common sense. f) Most powerful money reducing agent known to Man. Uses : a) Highly ornamental, especially in sports cars. b) Can greatly improve relaxation levels. c) Can warm and comfort under some circumstances. d) Can cool things down when it's too hot. Tests : a) Pure specimen turns rosy pink when discovered in natural state. b) Turns green when placed beside a better specimen. Caution : a) Highly dangerous except in experienced hands. Use extreme care when handling . b) Illegal to possess more than one. LMFAO!!!? thats the best post on the page..^^ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IG-64 Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 And OXYMORONS!!!!! LOL Act naturally Happily married Microsoft Works Holy war Found missing Resident alien Minor Catastrophe Affordable housing Near miss Great depression Canadian army Phone sex United nations Advanced BASIC Genuine imitation Death benefits Airline Food Women's rights Good grief Same difference Almost exactly Sensitive man Government organization Everything except Civil War Good kid Sanitary landfill Alone together Legally drunk Silent scream British fashion Living dead Small crowd Business ethics Soft rock Butt Head Military Intelligence Software documentation New York culture New classic Sweet sorrow Childproof "Now, then" Synthetic natural gas Christian Scientists Passive aggressive Taped live Clearly misunderstood Peace force Extinct Life Temporary tax increase New and improved Computer jock Plastic glasses Terribly pleased Computer security Political science Tight slacks Definite maybe Pretty ugly Twelve-ounce pound cake Diet ice cream Rap music Working vacation Exact estimate Religious tolerance Freezer Burn Honest Politician Jumbo Shrimp Loners Club Postal Service uhhh... what are these supposed to be anyways:confused: what the heck are oxymorons:confused: [EDIT]oh, wait NM, opposites, i get it... ignore this:o Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted October 31, 2003 Author Share Posted October 31, 2003 Texas Talkin' Here's what the heck they mean in the Lone Star State... The engine's runnin' but ain't nobody driving = Not too smart As welcome as a skunk at a lawn party = An unwelcome person Tighter than bark on a tree = Stingy Big hat, no cattle = All talk, no action We've howdied but we ain't shook yet = We've met, but haven't been formally introduced He thinks the sun come up just to hear him crow = He thinks his s#%! doesn't stink She's got tongue enough for ten rows of teeth = She's a talker It's so dry the trees are bribin' the dogs = Rain would be nice Just because a chicken has wings doesn't mean it can fly = Appearances can be deceiving This ain't my first rodeo = I've been around the block He looks like the dog's been keepin' him under the porch = U-G-L-Y They ate supper before they said grace = They're living in sin Time to paint your butt white and run with the antelope = Stop arguing and do as you're told As full of wind as a corn-eating horse = A braggart You can put your boots in the oven, but that doesn't make them biscuits = You can say whatever you want, but that doesn't change a thing Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IG-64 Posted October 31, 2003 Share Posted October 31, 2003 i live in texas, but ive never heard any of those, i do have a slight accent though, i live in houston where the mexicans go Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sam Fisher Posted November 1, 2003 Author Share Posted November 1, 2003 I live in Texas, and I've never heard any of them either:D ****************** A woman who was rather old-fashioned, delicate, and elegant was planning a week's vacation in Florida, so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn't quite know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word 'TOILET' in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old-fashioned term 'BATHROOM COMMODE.' But when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the letter and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C. 'Does the campground have it's own B.C.?' is what she actually wrote. The campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply: "Dear Madam: I regret very much for the delay in answering your letter. I now take the pleasure in informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people usually take their lunches along and make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago and it was so crowded that we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper being planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to go more regularly but it is sure no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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