rick ulo 11103 Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 i know there was one of these before but i cant find it sooooooo... ummmm yah i dont know any jokes soooooooo (im kinda pathetic huh? ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark jedi 8 Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 a guy walks into a bar and says oww! (simple and pathetic, but it's all i can think of at the moment.) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick ulo 11103 Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 and yet i am laughing my @$$ off :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ET Warrior Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Why wouldn't they let Helen Keller drive a car? Because she's a woman! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DarkLord60 Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Originally posted by ET Warrior Why wouldn't they let Helen Keller drive a car? Because she's a woman! ROFL Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dark jedi 8 Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 LoL... :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Boba Rhett Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night the drunk led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong. "What's that big brass gong for?" one of the guests asked. "It's not a gong. It's a talking clock" the drunk replied. "A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend. "Yup" replied the drunk. "How's it work?" the second guest asked, squinting at it. "Watch" the man said. He picked up a hammer, gave it an ear shattering pound and stepped back. The three stood looking at one another for a moment. Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed "For god sake, you a**hole....it's ten past three in the morning!" and The owner of a golf course in Iowa was confused about paying an invoice minus his early payment discount, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help. He called her into his office and said, "You graduated from the University of Iowa and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off? The secretary thought a moment, then replied, "Everything but my earrings." You gotta love Iowa women. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 My 100% totally original joke I've been using on the internet for about 3 years HOW MUCH WOOD WOULD A WOOD CHUCK F*CK, IF A WOOD CHUCK COULD F*CK WOOD? TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick ulo 11103 Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 ROFL:D :D :D :D Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick ulo 11103 Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IG-64 Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Originally posted by rick ulo 11103 A hippie gets onto a bus and sits next to a nun in the front seat. The hippie looks over and asks the nun if she would have sex with him. The nun surprised by the question politely declines and gets off the at the next stop. When the bus starts on it's way the driver says to the hippie, "I can tell you how you can get that nun to have sex with you." The hippie says that he'd love to know, so the bus driver tells him that every Tuesday evening at midnight the nun goes to the cemetery and prays to God. "If you went dressed in a robe and glow in the dark paint mask she would think you are God and you could command her to have sex with you." The hippie decides this is a great idea, so that Tuesday he goes to the cemetery and waits for the nun to show up. At midnight sure enough the nun shows up and begins praying the hippie jumped out from hiding and says. "I AM GOD! I have heard your prayers and I will answer them, BUT ... first you must have sex with me." The nun agrees but asks for anal sex so she might keep her virginity because she is married to the church. The hippie agrees to this and has his way with the nun. After the hippie finishes he stands up and rips off the mask and shouts,"Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the hippie!!" Then the nun jumps up and shouts, "Ha! Ha! Ha! I'm the bus driver!!" ... eww Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Thats sick..... Would chucks f*cking wood are less sick! TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick ulo 11103 Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 The teacher asked her students to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, "My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating." The teacher said, "That was good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'." Sally raised her hand. She said, "My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated." The teacher said, "Good, but I wanted the word 'fascinate'." Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him. Johnny Seibert said, "My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick ulo 11103 Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," the man replies. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message," she continues, slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say. "Tell him," she whispers, "there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick ulo 11103 Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 A salesman is driving toward home in Northern Arizona when he sees a Navajo man hitchhiking. Because the trip had been long and quiet, he stops the car and the Navajo man climbs in. During their small talk, the Navajo man glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them. "If you're wondering what's in the bag," offers the salesman, "it's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife." The Navajo man is silent for awhile, nods several times and says, "Good trade." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick ulo 11103 Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy " how have things been going ? " The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy " I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d. The first guy says in amazement "Hey! you don't stutter any more." " y..e..s I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him on not stuttering anymore and asks why he is no longer engaged to his girlfriend ". "W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks the first friend " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g. h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s s..c..r..o..t..u..m" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick ulo 11103 Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 Learn Chinese in 5 Minutes directions: read these outloud (English Phrase) I think you need a facelift (Chinese Phrase) Chin Tu Fat (English Phrase) Are you hiding a fugitive? (Chinese Phrase) Hu Yu Hai Ding? See me A.S.A.P. Kum Hia Nao Stupid Man Dum Gai Small Horse Tai Ni Po Ni Did you go to the beach? Wai Yu So Tan? I bumped into a coffee table Ai Bang Mai Ni It's very dark in here Wai So Dim This is a tow away zone No Pah King You are not very bright Yu So Dum I got this for free Ai No Pei I am not guilty! Wai Hang Mi? Please stay a while longer Wai Go Nao? They have arrived Hai Dei Kum. Stay out of sight Lei Lo He's cleaning his automobile Wa Sing Ka. Your body odor is offensive Yu Stin Ki I thought you were on a diet? Wai Yu Mun Ching? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Originally posted by rick ulo 11103 These two guys meet after not having seen each other for many many years. First guy asks the second guy " how have things been going ? " The second guy speaking very s..l..o..w..l..y.. tells the first guy " I w..a..s.. a..l..m..o..s..t m..a..r..r.. i..e..d. The first guy says in amazement "Hey! you don't stutter any more." " y..e..s I w..e..n..t t..o a d..o..c..t..o..r a..n..d h..e t..o..l..d m..e t..h..a..t i..f I s..p..e..a..k.. s..l..o..w..l..y I w..i..l..l n..o..t s..t..u..t..t..e..r." The first friend congratulates him on not stuttering anymore and asks why he is no longer engaged to his girlfriend ". "W..e..l..l m..y f..i..a..n..c..e..e a..n..d I w..e..r..e s..i...t..t..i..n..g.. o..n h..e..r p..o...r..c..h a..n..d t..h..e d..o..g w..a..s s..c..r..a..t..c..h..i..n..g h..i..s b..a..c..k a..n..d I t..o..l..d h..e..r t..h..a..t w..h..e..n w..e a..r..e m..a..r..r..i..e..d s..h..e c..a..n d..o t..h..a..t f..o..r m..e a..n..d s..h..e t..h..r..e..w t..h..e r..i..n..g i..n m..y f..a..c..e.." "Why should she throw the ring in your face for that" asks the first friend " W..e..l..l I s..p..e..a..k s..o s..l..o..w..l..y, t..h..a..t b..y t..h..e t..i..m..e s..h..e l..o..o..k..e..d a..t t..h..e d..o..g. h..e w..a..s l..i..c..k..i..n..g h..i..s s..c..r..o..t..u..m" OMG that is so f*cking annoying to read that! But a very funny joke and your Chinnese joke is so old, and its been posted like 100 times TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rick ulo 11103 Posted February 18, 2004 Author Share Posted February 18, 2004 Consumer Labels In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods that can be found today being sold in stores nationwide: -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- 1. On Sears hairdryer: "Do not use while sleeping." (But..., that's the only time I have to work on my hair) 2. On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (And that would be how. . . ?) 3. On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestions: Defrost." (But it's "just" a suggestion) 4. On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom of box): "Do not turn upside down." (Oops, too late!) 5. On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (Hmm . . . .) 6. On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (But wouldn't this save even more time?) 7. On Boot's Children's Cough Medicine: "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head colds off those forklifts.) 8. On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (One would hope) 9. On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (As opposed to underwater?) 10. On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (I gotta admit, I'm curious.) 11. On Sainsbury's peanuts: "Warning: Contains nuts." (NEWS FLASH) 12. On a child's Superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company, I blame parents for this one.) 13. On a Swedish chain saw: "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands." (Was there a chance of this happening somewhere? . . . Good grief!) 14. On a bottle of Palmolive Dishwashing liquid: "Do not use on food." (Hey, Mom, we're out of syrup! It's OK, honey, just grab the Palmolive! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TiE23 Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ROFLMFAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TiE Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ET Warrior Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 How did Helen Keller burn her hand? She was trying to read the waffle Iron Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Druid_Allanon Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the rest room. The ones who stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes. The first guy says: I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration soon he was promoted and began to climb the corporate ladder becoming the General Manager and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday. The second guy says: Damn, that's terrific!! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a traveling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and also manage to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday. The third guy says: Well, well, well congratulations!! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an Engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multimillionaire. He also gave away some thing very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq ft mansion specially for his friend. The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of theirs sons. The forth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: What's going on, what are all the congratulations for? One of the three said: We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. And then he asked, What about your son? The fourth man replied: My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub. The three friends said: What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel. The fourth man replied: No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. And he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq ft mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ET Warrior Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 It's late in the Garden of Eden, and Adam says to God. "God, I'm lonely, I really love all the animals you've given me, but I want a real companion." God says to Adam. "Alright Adam, here's what I can do, I'll make you the PERFECT companion, and we'll call her woman. She will be perfect in every way. she will love you, cherish you, and never question your authority. She will always agree with you, she will make food for you, clean for you, and do absolutely everything your heart desires." "Wow God," Adam replied, "that sounds wonderful, is there any catch?" "well, yes, actually, I'm going to need your right thumb, your left ear, half of the teeth in your mouth, your right foot, and your left testicle." Adam ponders for awhile, and then says "What could I get for just a rib?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Druid Bremen Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 Originally posted by ET Warrior It's late in the Garden of Eden, and Adam says to God. "God, I'm lonely, I really love all the animals you've given me, but I want a real companion." God says to Adam. "Alright Adam, here's what I can do, I'll make you the PERFECT companion, and we'll call her woman. She will be perfect in every way. she will love you, cherish you, and never question your authority. She will always agree with you, she will make food for you, clean for you, and do absolutely everything your heart desires." "Wow God," Adam replied, "that sounds wonderful, is there any catch?" "well, yes, actually, I'm going to need your right thumb, your left ear, half of the teeth in your mouth, your right foot, and your left testicle." Adam ponders for awhile, and then says "What could I get for just a rib?" Meaning that the current woman woman is (1 rib)/(right thumb+left ear+half of teeth+right foot+left testicle) of the woman that God suggested! I agree with that! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IG-64 Posted February 18, 2004 Share Posted February 18, 2004 I went looking for jokes just now. I'm going to go to bed now instead of filling my brain with more garbage. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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