Joke thread

[Xenocidal]

Hey y'all Im bored (on a weekend?) so I thought I might as well make a thread where every1 could post a funny joke or 2.So heres mine:

 

1. (This joke was named the best joke in the world by a british documentary in 00 and made an appearance in K1)

 

2 hunters are in a forest when a bear sneaks up on one mauls him. The other hunter then shoots the bear and runs up to the other hunter. Since the hunter isnt educated he couldnt tell if hid friend was alive so he calles 911. The hunter said " Help i think my friend might be dead" and the operator says " first thing you should do is make sure your friend is dead". Theres a long pause then the operator heres a loud and the hunter gets back on the line and say "okay what next?

 

2.A man goes skydiving. After a fantastic free fall he pulls the rip cord to open his parachute but nothing happens. He tries everything but can't get it open.

 

Just then another man flies by him, going UP. The skydiver yells, "Hey, you know anything about parachutes? The man replies, "No, you know anything about gas stoves?

 

3.A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation.

"What's the matter?" he was asked.

He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right."

"She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?"

"She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor.

 

4.The little boy greeted his grandmother with a hug and said, "I'm so happy to see you grandma. Now maybe daddy will do the trick he has been promising us."

The grandmother was curious.

"What trick is that my dear?" she asked.

The little boy replied, "I heard daddy tell mommy that he would climb the walls if you came to visit us again."

 

5.A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them, and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

 

6.Two guys are moving about in a supermarket when their carts collide.

One says to the other, "I'm sorry - I was looking for my wife."

"What a coincidence, so am I, and I'm getting a little desperate."

"Well, maybe I can help you. What does your wife look like?"

"She's tall, with long hair, long legs, firm boobs and a tight ass.

What's your wife look like?"

"Never mind, let's look for yours!"

 

7.One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Mack says to Mike behind him, my elbow hurts terribly. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the corner drugstore. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars... a heck of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

 

So Mack collects a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into a funnel and waits.

 

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

 

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Mack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, scraped some oil off the driveway and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Mack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

 

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.

2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.

3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her in to rehab.

4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.

5. Your Volvo needs repair.

6. And if you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

 

8.Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

 

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous systems has many thousands of electrical connections."

 

The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

 

9.Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to

tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today,

and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly

horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

 

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife

has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her

red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something

was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy

could have been hiding. Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough,

there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground!

By now I was really mad, so I started beating on him and kicking him,but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back intomy apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell --but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay.

I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly.

But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died

there on the balcony."

 

"That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,

and again asks for his story.

"It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment

building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony.

Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge.

But I got lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me.

I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto

the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and

kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed

a hammer and started pounding on my hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got

lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was

thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky

and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."

 

Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

 

The third man came to the front of the line, and again Peter explained that

heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding inside a refrigerator..."

 

10.Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together

at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven,

they would each have to answer one question.

 

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked,

"What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg?

They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic."

St. Peter let him through the gate.

 

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need

all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question

a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

 

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie.

"1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

 

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

[Xenocidal]

Come on you dont need to top my jokes, just share yours. Or comment. Or something.

[Boba Rhett]

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. The wall is relentless.

 

Emergency brake? They should rename it the "emergency make the car smell funny lever."

 

If you find yourself lost in the woods, **** it - build a house. "Well I was lost, but now I live here. I have severely improved my predicament!"

 

I like to have a loose collar. I can't wear shirts with a tight collar because my neck is sensitive. I could never wear a turtleneck. It's like being strangled by a really weak guy. And if you're wearing a backpack and a turtleneck it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down.

[Xenocidal]

THANK YOU. Your the first (obviosly) but spread the word so you wont be the last.

[Drazin]

And if you're wearing a backpack and a turtleneck it's like a weak midget is trying to bring you down.

 

I dated a midget once. I was nuts over her.

 

*Xenoman, your sig is waaaaaay too long bro.*

[Xenocidal]

*Xenoman, your sig is waaaaaay too long bro.*

 

Im going for a record.

[ChAiNz.2da]

Originally posted by Xenocidal

Im going for a record.

Of what? Quickest banned? ... kidding ...

 

but seriously it's cluttering the boards... and very tempting to put your name on 'ignore' just so the sig doesn't take up all of my desktop (and I have 23" widescreen monitors)...

 

No offense to you, just the long-ass sig...

 

As for the jokes... keep'm coming!

[Xenocidal]

Go to http://www.digitaldreamdoor.com its where i got most of the jokes. The first one was the only 1 not there. And ill summarize my sig.

[Xenocidal]

Testing... testing... 1...2...3... Hows this for my sig?

[ChAiNz.2da]

Originally posted by Xenocidal

Testing... testing... 1...2...3... Hows this for my sig?

MUCH better

 

Kewl site too for the jokes (and the song lyrics!)... thanks for the link

[Derc]

Well, as long as we're in a joke topic, may I recite some Rodney Dangerfield jokes?

- My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

 

- Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him.."Do

you think we'll ever find them." He said.."I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide."

 

- My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah...my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

 

- I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

 

- I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said, "I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."

He was a funny guy. RIP Rodney.

[Xenocidal]

Np for the link and your cat kept on covering you with sand??????

I feel depressed.

[RaV™]

The Fourth one Derc, was frickin Hiliarious! I'm still not done laughing thanks for making me spit up my Code Red

[jblue789]

(jokes with {} around them may be offense to people. These are to be funny, and if you are offended by them, it's your own fault for reading them...)

 

There was a Cubs fan, a Yankees fan, and a Red Sox fan on a cliff. The Cubs fan yelled out, "For the cubs!" and jumped off the cliff. Then the Red Sox fan yelled out, "For the Red Sox!" and pushed the Yankees fan off the cliff.

 

{What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her? They put her in a round room and told her there was a penny in the corner. Why couldn't Helen Keller drive? She was a woman!}

 

Edit tk102: Racist jokes have no place on these boards

 

There was a bear chasing a turtle when they were stopped by a toad.

 

"Why do you chase him?" the toad asked the bear.

 

"He's my lunch."

 

"If you stop chasing him around, I will give you both three wishes." The two agreed.

 

As the turtle was about to say something, the bear cut in, "I wish that all the girl bears liked me!" The toad nodded and it was so.

 

The turtle, in a huff, said, "I wish I had a helmet!" And poof, he had a helmet.

 

"I wish all the bears in this forest were girls!" And so it was.

 

"I wish I had a motorcycle!" said the turtle, and poof, he had a motorcycle.

 

"I wish all the bears in the WORLD were female!" the bear finally blurted out, with a grin. And it was so.

 

The turtle chuckled and said, "I wish that the bear was gay." And he got on his motorcycle and ran away.

[Xenocidal]

Okay dude, the black jokes are just wrong. And the bear joke, I heard it before, but I forgot it so thx for refreshing my joke memory.

[RaV™]

-sighs- Any new jokes that aren't racist? cause the racist jokes are the lowwest of em all, even lowwer then the yo' momma jokes.

[Aleggy]

a man goes on a hunting holiday and its baer season so he goes out with his shotgun and finds a bear lines him up in his sight and fires but manages not to kill him the bear is upon the hunter in a moment and gives him a swipe with his claws and says that wasn't very nice but since your new i'll let uyou off with just that swip but if you come back again you'll be sorry

 

the hunter goes back to his lodge see's to his wounds but the next day the hunt thinks i'm gonna get that bear so he goes out into the forest and finds the very same bear and takes aim with his shotgun and fires and again the bear survives and is upon him in moments "i warned you" says the bear and then bends the hunter over a log and gives him a right good rogering the bear then finishes and says if you come back again you'll get rogered by me and my friends

 

so the hunter goes back to the lodge and has an ice bath to sooth his aching hole but gets up the next morning wanting revenge so he goes out again and manages to track down the same bear takes aim and fires again the bear survives and is upon the hunter within moments i warned you he says and takes him back to his camp and the bear and his friends all take turns to roger the poor hunter after they finish the bear says now dont come back or you'll get more of the same

 

so the hunter returns to his lodge and takes another ice bath to soothe his aching hole the next morning the hunter is out for revenge he then goes and tracks down the bear but cant find him then he gets a tap on the shoulder and there starring him right in the face is the bear he had been tracking the bear smile and says you didnt come for the hunting did you

[Aleggy]

a scotsman an englishman and an irishman are idly sitting in a park when a fairy suddenly appears and say to the 3 men see that slide its now a magic slide just climb up slide down it and whatever you yell when you slide down the slide you will land in at the bottom

 

so the englishman climbs up and sides down and yells beer and he dissapears at the bottom and reappears in a barrel of beer

 

the scotsman then climbs up slides down and yells scotch and he to dissapears at the bottom and reappears in a vat of scotch

 

the irishman then climbs up and slides down and yells weeeeeeeee

[jblue789]

No racist jokes at all, huh? Not even with the warnings I placed that it will most likely be offensive, eh? Very well then, master, I apologize.

 

Little Timmy came into his daddy's room while he was changing and gasped. "Daddy daddy! What's that?!"

 

"That's my snake, son."

 

A while later, Timmy wanted to take a shower with his mommy. He gasped and said, "Mommy, mommy! What are those?!"

 

"My flashlights and my grass, Timmy."

 

Later at night, Timmy went to his parents' room and asked if he could sleep with them. He woke up a while later and looked undercovers and yelled out, "MOMMY! MOMMY! Turn on your flashlights! There's a snake in your grass!"

[jblue789]

A young punk gets on a bus and sits down in directly across from an old man.

The young punk has spiked green, purple and orange hair. His clothing is a tattered mix of leather rags. His entire face and body are covered with piercings and his earrings are big, bright red, yellow and green feathers.

 

The old man stares at the young punk as the bus travels across the city.

 

Finally, the punk looks across at the old man, and yells, "What are you looking at, old man! Didn't you do anything wild when you were young?"

 

Without missing a beat, the old man replies, "Yeah. Back when I was very young and in the Navy, I got really drunk in Singapore and had sex with a parrot... I thought you might be my son."

 

===

 

Lil' Johnny goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?" Dad

says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I'm the

breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Mommy is

the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the

Government. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call

you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class.

Your baby brother, we'll call him The Future. Now go think about

this and see if it makes sense."

 

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has

said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and

runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.

So the little boy goes to his parents' room. Mom is sound

asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees

his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to

bed.

 

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I

think I understand what politics is now."

 

"Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are."

 

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the

Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are

being ignored and the Future is in deep ****."

 

===

 

There was a hippy on a bus, and he saw a nun. He walked up to the nun and said, "Wanna **** me?" The nun shook her head.

 

When they got off the bus, the driver stopped him. "If you REALLY wanna do that nun, go to the old cemetery at midnight. She'll be praying at a grave. Dress up as God and she'll do anything you say.

 

That night, the hippy went to the nun and told her, "You, me, together, now."

 

"Okay, my lord, but it has to be in the butt, as I wish to retain my virginity."

 

After many long hours of sex, the two were totally tired out. Then, the hippy threw off his costume and said, "HAH! I'm the hippy!"

 

The nun then took off her costume and said, "HAH! I'm the bus driver!"

 

===

 

This blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart.

 

While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.

 

Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes.

 

He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her why she has a ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and they said....

 

FOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.

 

===

 

(may be offensive to certain sensitive peoples)

 

On a train car, there was a room with a bunk bed that a man and a woman slept on. In the middle of the night, the woman, on the top bunk, shook the man awake and asked him, "Can you get me some more sheets?"

 

The man looked up and said, "How about, for just this night, we pretend we were married?"

 

The woman giggled and nodded. "Sure!"

 

"Okay..." said the man. "GET YOUR OWN ****ING SHEETS!"

 

===

 

There was a man on a business trip to France, and on the train ride there, met a french woman and made love to her. In the middle of their lovin', the woman screamed out, "TROU FAUX! TROU FAUX!" The man assumed it was words of praise.

 

The next day, the man went golfing with his boss. When the boss made a nearly impossible shot, the man yelled out, "TROU FAUX! TROU FAUX!"

 

The boss turned around with a raised eyebrow, "What do you mean, wrong hole?"

[Xenocidal]

brilliant non-racist jokes. For future reference it would be 'trou mal' not 'trou faux' (trou faux means fake hole not wrong hole. i think (dont trust google it lies).

[RaV™]

When you say I think. i dont know, if i can trust you <_<

[Xenocidal]

hey i speak french fluently, just i lack trivial knowledge. As-tu l'idee?

[jblue789]

Not quite. Faux does mean fake, but it also means false, and a number of other words of the same kind. Besides, the boss isn't fluent in English so he might not know the correct translation of it.

[Xenocidal]

how would you feel if you heard someone in the next room shouting 'false hole! false hole!'. exactly.