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Oddest essay ever

Seph

By Seph
in Yoda’s Swamp

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Seph Newbie

Seph

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I was sitting down alone at home when I heard a crash, I ran out side, and it was about 50 below so I threw on 4 parkas somehow. When I got out side my neighbor said “What the heck are you still doing down here, if you want to live you have to get up to the mountains!” Which I thought was quite odd since we live miles upon miles away from the nearest mountain. Being the intelligent guy I was I ran around the house in a mad flurry grabbing the first three items I could find which happened to be a shotgun with millions of shells, what, did you expect me to count them all, I have to get to the mountains! Next I found a knife that I usually keep near the shotgun for cleaning my animal victims. The last thing I found was a bear trap, which is also odd seeing as how we don’t see any bears around here, and I was also surprised because I stepped in it, so that really hurt.

The reason I would take a bear trap, is because I could burry it and wait for another person to walk into it, then shoot them with the shotgun, take their stuff, and maybe eat them, if I was crazy enough by then. Other than that I can only think that I can use it to catch bears, or something. I could also use it to clamp unimportant stuff, like wood or something.

I could use the shotgun for, you know… shooting stupid animals for food. I could also use the shotgun in self defense and could beat the living crap out of random things to relieve the stress of living in the mountains. As stated before my last reason to take the shot gun would be to shoot people who walked into my bear trap and take their stuff.

The knife would come in great uses of handiness, for then I could, clean the animals I shoot and eat them. Also I could whittle like some wooden poles so I could use matches and a hatchet I got from a victim to make a barbeque kit for cooking my animal victims. I could also tie the knife to a wooden pole using string from someone’s coat and ta-da I have a spear fishing kit.

In conclusion I would have very little trouble surviving in the mountains for two years if everything happened like I stated before. So overall with these three things I could, catch, kill, and steal stuff from others, and then go hunting. And that’s how I would survive for two years. Unfortunately when I got back to Raccoon city, which is where I lived, everyone was acting kinda strange…*Resident Evil 2 music plays*

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Sabretooth Newbie

Sabretooth

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You remind me of my friend who makes stories which he calls "Actual Factual Facts". It's basically a story made of completely random, funny, and yet sensible stuff. You can expect "Abdominable Snowmen" to attack wrestlers hanging from lamposts and suddenly UFOs that absorb Japan's life-nutrients to generate soda-tsunamis on Mars, where ancient dieties and magic combine to conspire to overwthrow the sun.

 

If you have read that and have mental problems, your head should be aching right now.

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Sabretooth Newbie

Sabretooth

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Alright, here's one I know:

 

Once, 5000 years ago, a great eclipse took place. It clouded all of the Earth, and went away.

 

5000 years later...

 

4000 years ago...

1000 years later...

3 1/2+Pluto's revolution time later-The time taken to boil and evaporate a popcorn years later...

 

The great Socrates was sleeping under the Tree, when suddenly, an army of flies attacked him. Socrates jumped up and took out his priced possesion: The Excalibre (No, this no typo), His powerful sword-gun, which he had bought for $0.0 at Einstein's garage sale. The flies did a ritual dance and flew to the moon, where the established colonies, which would later test the theory of big bang in a small MP3 player hooked to the ears of hamsters for electricity from their electro-brains which made them non-hamsters, but it didn't matter.

Anyways, Socrates decided to go to Paris on foot and so he did. Then he jumped.

Meanwhile, all the children of California rose up and said, "Let's kill the living hell out of Socrates, for no apparent reason!". And so, on pogo sticks, they jumped across the great Pacific to McDonald's in Tokyo, where the Dead Pharoah was experimenting on exhuming pidgeon carcass.

Socrates then had a cup of tea and teaming up with Caeser, he established the Colony of Colony Names, which he left to the ownership of Zeus and swam all the way to Ottawa, where he didn't like the glass and so he ran to California.

The Children then ran all the way to Vatican City, then to Moscow and they bent a toothpick embedded in the mysterious dental floss of legend. The Mysterious Bagpiper suddenly appeared and leaped into the ocean, never to be seen again.

Finally, Socrates cried and laughed hysterically, developed winglets on his armpits. He cut them. They sprouted again and again he cut them. He continued repeating the process until Alexander Nevski conquered Genghis Khan's chessboard and finally Socrates flew and died.

The Children went back to California on their pogo sticks and a random ant in the world died.

 

The End.

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Sabretooth Newbie

Sabretooth

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So, this friend of mine, whose name is Rudresh, BTW, doesn't have an e-mail address or a PC.

 

Anyways, here's another one he told me yesterday:

 

Once upon a time... WTF? Why UPON a TIME? I MEAN, you can't have something on time, since time isn't a physical body. This sucks! Anyways, Once upon a time, there was donkey. His mother was donkey and his father was a donkey, too. Coincidentially, his cousins, brothers, sisters and his childrens were donkey's too.

 

So quoth the Dove.

 

But our story has nothing to do with all of this, does it? There was this guy called Ben, who was also known as Ben and who lived in his home, situated 5000 miles above the bottom of the sea. He lived by inhaling popcorn-juice and exhaling apple syrup from his nose. The President of Mongolia's Anti-Bungee Soceity once came to meet him, but cancelled the trip when he realised that the underpants he has wearing for the past decade is actually 3 times shorter than he thought.

So, a girl named Buoghlee lived in her home.

 

Ben had an ambition. He wanted to become the greatest shrimp-pizza-cake chef in the world, and so he wanted to visit Master Chef, son of Master Chief, who was busy marinating his body to sacrifice to a ritual involving rotten tomatoes and toothbrushes.

Suddenly, everyone started jumping and singing songs made by a hybrid goat.

Ben travelled to Cairo, but upon realising that there was no reason why he went there, he said, "Hoogla-Boogla-Boom." He telported to Lord Gunjo's hairdressing shop, and found out that Everest is, infact, a secret meeting place for a secret organisation called the Hollyminatii, commonly known as the Guild of Mumbo-Jumbo.

So, Ben went into a restaurant, where he faced the Obstacle Course of Doom. He died while he tried to jump across a vat of rotten flesh collected from accidents involving brain and tooth damage.

 

The End.

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Neverhoodian Newbie

Neverhoodian

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Originally posted by BongoBob

"That guy" is Chef motha-f***in Brian for your info :p I love chef brian.

Yeah, Chef Brian's awesome. He's so random that I can't help it but break out in hysterical laughter every time I read his comics.

:D

 

These stories are brilliant! :rofl: Keep it up!

 

EDIT: I decided to change my av in light of this occasion! The paper clip of justice demanded it!

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Seph Newbie

Seph

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Originally posted by jebbers

is that supposed to bo from the RE files games....or something?

 

next movie plot?

 

boredom?

 

huh huh??

boredome actually i wrote for school got an A+ it's a survival essay i was surprised to get the grade
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