Darwin Awards

[Snafu7]

I just had someone forward me this and I thought it was hilarious, so I thought I'd post it here.

 

*******

 

It's hard to believe how some minds work, but it makes this ol' world interesting!

 

Yes, it's that magical time of the year again when the Darwin Awards are bestowed, honoring the least evolved among us. Here then, are the glorious winners.

 

Darwin Award Winners:

 

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

 

And now, the honorable mentions:

 

2. The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat-cutting machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company expecting negligence sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine and lost a finger. The chef's claim was approved.

 

3. A man who shoveled snow for an hour to clear a space for his car during a blizzard in Chicago returned with his vehicle to find a woman had taken the space. Understandably, he shot her.

 

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

 

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

 

6. A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer...$15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, is a crime committed?)

 

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

 

8. As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, "Yes, officer, that's her. That's the lady I stole the purse from."

 

9. The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.

 

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

 

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

In the interest of bettering human kind please share these with your friends and family ... unless of course one of these 10 individuals by chance is a distant relative or long lost friend. In that case be glad they are distant and hope they remain lost.

[Jeff]

HAHAHA! Those are very very funny! So stupid...

[Snafu7]

I ahve a few more in my inbox that I'll post later

[Bob Lion54]

4. After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Bulawayo had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn't discovered for 3 days.

HAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!!!

Suck for those people. I bet they were put in straightjackets and everything.

It would have been funnier if he charged the people.

Evil, pure Evil.

A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!

 

10. When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he'd ever had.

 

I just wish I could have seen the look on his face!! Hahaha

7. Seems an Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. The liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.

 

Dude, I have got to see that video!

[Snafu7]

ok, here are the other things I got in that email

 

*******

 

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to

take

any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or

changing

one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

 

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until

you realize it was your money to start with.

 

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

 

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops

bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately,

shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

 

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of

getting laid.

 

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the

subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

 

7. Sarc! hasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the

person who doesn't get it.

 

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running

late.

 

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

 

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

 

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these

really bad vibes,right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and

it's like, a serious bummer.

 

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day

consuming only things that are good for you.

 

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

 

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when

they come at you rapidly.

 

15. Arachnoleptic fit! (n.): The frantic dance performed just after

you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

 

16. Beelzebu! g (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into

your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

 

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in

the fruit you're eating.

 

And the pick of the literature:

 

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[Aash Li]

The one about the guy siphoning sewage.. if I had witnessed that first hand I would have had to be hospitalized due to rib fractures from laughing so hard.

 

Sum Young Gai, who lives in S. Korea wanted to play a game at an internet cafe, brought his own cot with him, so he could play uninterrupted, except for naps and using the potty. He played for 50+ hours, and afterwards promptly died of a heart attack. And no, he didnt win the game...

name was changed to found funny, and is not the guys real name

[Mira Dona]

 

1. When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a hold-up in Long Beach, California, would-be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder. He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked.....

 

.

 

And that's what happenes when you watch too many cartoons. . .

[Snafu7]

5. An American teenager was in the hospital recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.

 

This kid has one think bozone layer

[MdKnightR]

 

And the pick of the literature:

 

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

 

ROTFLMAO!!! This is priceless!

 

Back to the Darwin Awards, about 7 or so years ago, there was a poacher who was nominated. While out hunting, the poacher spotted an elk on the ridge about 30 feet above his head. He shot the poor animal, which in turn feel off of the cliff and landed on the poacher instantly killing him. Since I am a vegetarian, I find this one to be the greatest of all.

[MdKnightR]

And that's what happenes when you watch too many cartoons. . .

 

Correction....too much anime!

[Snafu7]

Back to the Darwin Awards, about 7 or so years ago, there was a poacher who was nominated. While out hunting, the poacher spotted an elk on the ridge about 30 feet above his head. He shot the poor animal, which in turn feel off of the cliff and landed on the poacher instantly killing him. Since I am a vegetarian, I find this one to be the greatest of all.

 

That is the ultimate Revenge

[Aash Li]

too much looney tunes

[MdKnightR]

too much looney tunes

 

I would agree to that. Sounds like a Wyle E. Coyote stunt.

[Mira Dona]

I would agree to that. Sounds like a Wyle E. Coyote stunt.

 

More like something one would do when hunting "wascaly wabbits".

[Snafu7]

actually the elk hunter reminds me of elmer fudd now that I think about it...

[Aash Li]

The elk-hunter Elmer Fudd

The moron and the gun barrel: various looney toones stars... Wyle E Coyote, Sylvester, Taz, Elmer Fudd, Yosemite Sam, Pete Puma... they all fell for the gag. I grew up watching these cartoons lol

[Snafu7]

That's what Jack Thompson will be going after next, looney toons

[Hallucination]

This is a courtroom Q&A that should have gotten into the Darwin Awards if it hasn't already:

Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check for breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

[Jeff]

That's a good one. I'm sure D333 will love it

[Snafu7]

I just went to the official darwin award site, and I found this, it has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard off.

 

(29 January 2003, Brazil) At work, Manoel Messias Batista Coelho was responsible for cleaning out the storage tanks of gasoline tanker trucks. He had been employed in that capacity for two months when he ran afoul of fuel.

 

The 35-year-old began to fill a tanker with water, a standard safety procedure that forces flammable vapor out of the container. He returned an hour later to check whether the water level was high enough to proceed. But he had trouble deciding, because it was so DARK inside the tanker.

 

A resourceful employee, Manoel forgot the very reason why he was filling the tank with water when he lit a cigarette lighter to shed some light on the situation. His little test successfully determined that the water level was NOT yet high enough for safety. The vapor explosion launched him through the air, and he landed in the company parking lot 100 meters away.

 

Manoel suffered severe burns, blunt force trauma, and an injury to the head that exposed his brain. Our witless car washer had learned his terminal lesson in safety by the time the firemen arrived.

 

check out the site

[Jeff]

Manoel suffered severe burns, blunt force trauma, and an injury to the head that exposed his brain. Our witless car washer had learned his terminal lesson in safety by the time the firemen arrived.

It may be a dumb way to get hurt, but that's not funny! Come on!

[Snafu7]

I didn't say it was funny, I said it was the stupidist thing I've ever heard of, besides this...

 

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet, didn't put enough postage on a letter bomb, and it came back marked "return to sender."

[Mira Dona]

The 35-year-old began to fill a tanker with water, a standard safety procedure that forces flammable vapor out of the container. He returned an hour later to check whether the water level was high enough to proceed. But he had trouble deciding, because it was so DARK inside the tanker.

 

I think I know whats gonna happen next. . .

[Aash Li]

lol morons. "Oh lets see if the vapour is out of the tank yet..." *BOOOOOOOOM!!!*

[Bob Lion54]

That reminds me of the guy cleanning inside the barrel of his shotgun. He wanted to see if it was clean, but it was dark. He thought it wasn't loaded. Anyway, out comes the lighter.........

 

Yea, you know what happens.