<span class="ipsBadge ipsBadge_icon ipsBadge_positive" data-ipsTooltip title='Pinned'> The Critic&#039;s 2 cents

SWTOR: The Pursuit of Revenge: Departure of Sand

LDR

Set in SWTOR: After a few problems, A Jedi and friend are enroute to Onderon

The biggest problem with the piece is that there is no characterization. Everyone, even the hero are cardboard cutouts with no description at all. More description was paid to the ship than to anyone in it. It reminded me of an Anime named xxxholic where except for people who were part of the episode itself everyone was merely a line drawing of a figure.

As a slice of life it wasn't that bad.

Knights of the Old Republic: The lost Knights

Hotspot1029

Post KOTOR: A Jedi is sent to find a lost master

I think you meant three thousand souls rather than shoulders, held a city rather than help one, calm tone not clam tone, the few rather than there few, and resided (Lived) rather than resigned (quit), between not below, thought instead of though. These would have been caught if you remember to sight edit before posting, as all are words that will pass a spell check, but don't match the context of the phrase.

It's interesting that you comment that Vandar does not do Yoda-speak, yet then turn around and have him talk that way anyway from that point on.

Remember shipboard terminology. It is a compartment and viewport rather than room and window Go to Lucasforums>Coruscant Entertainment Center>The Resource Center>Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

Your description of the galaxy's division doesn't quite fit real space. First, while the flight through asteroid belts in AOTC and TESB were fun, that would be in one of the nodes where gravity has made a serious clump. Our own asteroid belt holds less than 6 percent of the mass of our solar system (About the mass of Earth) and because of it's diameter most of it is empty space. A belt as you describe would have to be several million light years in diameter and be just as tenuous.

The confrontation between the gang and the troops didn't quite work. Infantry or Marine troops (from the weapons described), unlike the average street gang, are extremely well trained in violence, which is one of the reasons it is a military axiom that no organized body of troops are outnumbered by a mob of any size. That is also the reason you have military police; the average infantry unit is not trained with the idea that your enemy is to be captured rather than killed.

A street gang on the other hand, while cohesive, are not specialists in mayhem and slaughter; Ask a local police public affairs officer how many gang fights end up in a serious casualty lists. They may fight for territory, but the losers usually leave banged up, not in body bags, which is the opposite of a military confrontation. Picture Jabba the Hutt's ragtag team facing off against Imperial Stormtroopers.

Technical note: Saying someone is a tech specialist tells us nothing. Later you did tell us he is a computer technician with a specialty in security systems, which would make him an Electronics specialist. Saying tech technician aboard a ship with perhaps thirty different possible ratings is like just calling him a petty officer.

The piece is very long and I honestly didn't have time to finish it. The flashbacks gives real depth to the main character.

Finding Light

TaelynHawker

KOTOR enroute to the Star Forge: Carth has to let go to be able to hold the one he loves.

It's wry not rye. Rye is a grain, once inside, not one. Missing word, 'Mission exclaimed as (she) sat down beside her'. This would have been caught by a sight edit. The missing word was minor; When I write I do what I call stream of consciousness, just viewing the scene in my head and describing as I go, which means I forget words too.

The piece is extremely well done. The scene where she literally begs Carth to kill her really read well. Most of what followed was merely a structure built on that scene. The end is in doubt still, the last fight with Malak hasn't happened yet. But she goes into it strong with his love.

Pick of the Week

Knights of the Old Republic 3: Will of the Sith

Damaster123

TSL on Malachor V: The survivors flee to begin the new quest.

Remember conversation breaks. You didn't forget them often, but where you did it was glaringly obvious

As the author said, the chapter was short on action. What I did not like was merely writing everyone else from the new story as if they were incidental. It reminded me of Alien 3 when the Marine Hicks and Newt the girl were written out as unnecessary.

You Know You Want To

Mythra

KOTOR on Korriban: To win, Revan must let go of the light

The piece is good in a deeply disturbing way. Playing the dark side game never appealed to me; too many of the Upper echelon Sith come across like a kid tormenting a dog because they can, the very kind of person I despise. It seems that the writers can think of no redeeming factor in the dark, nor any constraint. The same is generally true of the Mandalorians as portrayed; just the Mandalorians are more physically barbaric.

A historian I read pointed out that the pure barbarian who kills them all loses in the end. Maybe they need to learn that. Look at the Mongols that held almost 25% of the landmasses of the planet under their empire. While they did depopulate both modern day Poland and modern day Turkey, most of the time they accepted surrenders, assigned overseers, and allowed the people to go about their business.

The two times listed above when they went for total massacre, it was to draw out the Teutonic knights in Poland, and to destroy the one section of the world where the intelligentsia were actively working on resistance. In Turkey (actually from the Bosporus east to present day Kabul, and south to Mecca; the old Persian Empire) They killed everyone who could read or write, held any political office, or was in the army.

The Phantom Menace

Amma Moto

Post KOTOR on Korriban: To save her past, Revan must help in the future

There are those stories that are intriguing right from the start and this was one of them. The idea that some kind of portal takes Revan to the time of the Phantom Menace makes me wish to read the lot, and there is a lot more; try 12 chapters total.

Pick of the Week

Take Care of Her

A Man Named Fearless

The Final confrontation on the Star Forge: What will Revan learn?

The piece is an excellent mix of go for broke fight, and reminiscence as the two fight for the last time. The memories are well interwoven and the caring is there even to the end/

Pick of the Week

I'll show you mine, you show me yours

On the Unknown Island

Samuraibrarian

KOTOR on the island: Revan has to deal with who she was

The piece is a deep introspection of both characters, Revan fighting what she had been, and Carth letting go of his fears to support her. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Samuraibrarian

KOTOR on Tatooine: Reliving their injuries

Mainly a slice of life until Revan begins treating Carth's wounds. Then it is a psychometric trip into his past for every one she touches. An interesting idea for a Force ability.

The Blba Tree

Cellotlix

Pre KOTOR on Dantooine: A young Mical receives a simple lesson from the soon to be Exile

Forgotten word, 'lives will (be) because of our wills and desires'.

The only problem I have with Exile - Mical stories is that the game makes him someone chance met, whereas most of the stories have them meeting and having a relationship of sorts before. It is possible that Mical is merely a child she does not remember, but each one I have seen so far has a resonance that should be memorable.

Well done slice of life.

It Suits You, the Darkness that is

Revvie

Pre KOTOR:

Difficult word choices; 'alleviate grievousness between two merchants families'. Remember never use a large word when a short one will do the same job. alleviate grievousness would flow easier if it were 'ease friction' instead. 'relatively not that harmed'. Second rule, never use two words when one will do. Would read smoother if you said 'relatively unharmed' or 'relatively intact'.

Odd sentence; 'his some infrequent padawan's face', the word 'some' doesn't fit making the sentence awkward. The only way it would work is if you are referring to the fact that the boy suggests he has been passed around like a student needing help with specific tairning, in which case some should be sometimes.

The piece is confusing at the end. The author states it is pre KOTOR but to have Revan be a young Padawan in the Sith's hands, it would have to be Pre Mandalorian Wars as well. Also, think of it this way:

At the time of the Mandalorian Wars, there were perhaps 10,000 Jedi. Scattered across the galaxy, it isn't a lot. Yet you have a bunch trapped in the base. Some of them, like Natasha obviously, for some time. This would not make a lot of sense in the Pre Mandalorian War era because there wouldn't be a lot distracting the Jedi to cover it as there would be later.

I have a military mind, and one that works well with intelligence gathering and analysis. What you have created looks like this; several Jedi pairs have disappeared, probably in a small area. That first supposition is the presence of young Jedi, suggesting that a training pair, knight or master and apprentice, the second supposition is from the fact that if the Sith had a larger presence, they would cover more of the galaxy and be more apparent by their effects.

These pairs have disappeared, creating an area that suggests to my mind that something is happening that is a danger. In the time building to a war, the enemy will do what they can to conceal their actions, but that attempt itself draws the eye to it.

As an example; months before Pearl Harbor, the Japanese Navy pulled the Pearl Harbor strike force back to an area where Caucasians would immediately be spotted so they could practice their attack without being noticed. This caused the US to miss the vital information. They knew the ships had been moved, but not where.

The same thing happened during late 1939 to early 1940 during what was called the Phony War, when the Germans massed their troops behind the Ardennes forest because every one 'knew' it was impassable by tank formations. In this case, the French knew where the army was, they just assumed the forest would block their approach.

So how could all of these people disappear without a clue?

Revan Revamped: Part 1

Rogue Leader

Post TSL: Based on the KOTOR book, the Exile and Atton goes to rescue Revan.

The piece is excellent because of the introspection Atton goes through when the plan is laid out. His ongoing comment, that all he was good at was running, fits in with his melancholy.

Of the Fall

Mister Buch

Vignettes within KOTOR: Revan's reborn rise and fall are seen through the eyes of the others.

The piece is a series of snapshots from the minds of her crew. From the worried but light view of her originally on Taris to the final confrontation. with Carth. While every change was a bit confusing, it took only moments to understand who was speaking, and their views were unique. It is a well done albeit sad testament.

Pick of the Week

LDR · May 26, 2012

I hardly consider Varik a hero.

Thanks for the review! I will use your advice to improve upon my story in the next chapters.

machievelli · May 26, 2012

I hardly consider Varik a hero.

Thanks for the review! I will use your advice to improve upon my story in the next chapters.

Not knowing the provenance of the character, perhaps I should have merely called him the main character. As for the review, I hope I helped.

machievelli · June 2, 2012

So many stories. So little time...

Still unable to access SWK to post there... HELP! Having fun here; a scorcher this week a full month before summer officially starts. So without further ado...

From we start with Foxfire's [/urlUrl=http://www.kotorfanmedia.net/node/69] Partnership followed by Skypilot's reprise pick Beginning of an Exile Unfortunately no best of the week, they were both good, but not that good.

Shouldn't have done it, but I peeked at the week's forecast. Three more days of triple digits. Help Me! I'm melting!!

Untitled Original Scifi story

DarthOlc

Non SW Fic: The escape

The piece is generic, but I think that is partially because you don't want to drift into the SW genre. No biggie. Your main character spends most of his(her) time zoning because of a head injury; but that is honestly one of the one things no one has considered for a redo of KOTOR. The piece is fun with the main character (Someone disabused me using the term 'hero') pretty much hanging on the arm of the assistant.

Face it, kid. If I read it here, I will review it. Live with that. Welcome to the forum, and thanks for something fun.

Light Side Male Revan

] Revanchism - Chapter 1

Renee Enderson

Pre Mandalorian War AU: Bastila versus the Spellbinder

The piece was interesting because Revan is saying exactly what I thought was logical for all of those who departed. The Jedi have always been the guardians of the Republic; but as Revan says here it is the people they should protect, not the government itself.

The scene at the rally reminds me of what could have happened if an intellectual had been able to confront Hitler at a rally. As we Americans who do not speak German will tell you, all of that spellbinder's speeches are innuendo and assaults on others. There is no rhyme nor reason to them, but over 70 Million people died in that war; most of them in Europe, all because of one Bavarian Corporal.

Dark Side Female Exile

http://www.kotorfanmedia.net/node/9960

Exile's Fall

Xephinetsa

TSL on Dxun: The Exile meets up with the Mandalorians then sets out to explore

The way you portray the Exile makes her come across, I hate to say, like a total neophyte. Since she had been a soldier, she would not have wandered around so careless of her environment. Combat veterans tend to get into the hyper awareness about threats that kept them alive in the past very quickly. Even if she had not yet joined the other Jedi at the time of Dxun, she would have heard about the place, and it wouldn't have been good stories either. You also make the animals come across as clumsy as well. A malrass, by the images used in the game, are feline, and the large cats do not attack center of mass unless they have no other target. They use their claws to pin or disable the legs first if they cannot reach the throat.

The scenes have little color or flow to them. The encounters sadly like the game, come across as almost staged. Her wandering off alone to the tomb is almost child like, again, not the reaction of an experienced person. They have a nickname for someone who just walks off into the Serengeti in such a clueless manner; they call them lunch.

http://www.kotorfanmedia.net/node/10013

Who I Was

Ajrand

TSL in the tomb: The Exile revisits her past

Compared to your earlier work this seems rushed. The battle scene at the bridge was well done, but having an officer run around with full medals in the middle of a battle, from your description, makes no sense. On a battlefield in the last century, the only visible difference between a typical grunt and a general is on the collar points.

The interesting thing was having Malak in the first scene step out of lockstep with the past to ask the important question. Would you do it again knowing what will follow?

Starting other K2 Characters now...

Partnership

Foxfire

Post TSL: A chance encounter on the outer rim

The piece has it's good moment. The bare bones description of Atton's pursuit was just right. Dustil's predicament is what you'd expect from someone not used to roughing it; having to spend his last coin to try to get his ship fixed and failing. His 'I'm looking for something my father lost' is all the clue I needed.

An interesting take and partnership since I know they're after pretty much the same thing...

Pick of the week

Atton and Revan

Midnight Hawk

Mandalorian War era: Atton meets Revan for the first time

Improper words, Looser (as in loosening something) rather than loser, no body instead of nobody, perculating (The act of embezzling money) instead of percolating (Passing liquid through a filter, as in percolating coffee), 'him force powers' instead of his, 'I have to use for weakness' should be 'I have no use for weakness'.

The piece didn't quite gel because according to the original game back story you have a four year period with the Jedi leading the Republic to their final victory before Malachor V, yet you have Revan and those around her acting as if she'd left the enclave the previous week. With the armor on, I could understand why someone did not recognize her, but it would be like an soldier of WWII serving in Europe not knowing who Patton was by name.

I did enjoy the idea that she was concealing not only her face but her sex as well by wearing the armor.

Beginning of an Exile

Skypilot

Originally reviewed 17 Nov 2006, but unfortunately it was never posted here. My bad. That review is below:

Posted 17 Nov 2006 on StarwarsKnights under The Critic returns and Lucasforums under the Critics Two Cents.

Some works here are what I consider Professional level, these are marked Pick of the Week. Check SWK for the pick of the week from among them.

Commentary on the Exile when she was still a student.

The style is good, though you do have a few minor problems with spelling and grammar. Nothing a little polishing won’t fix.

Technical note: Why is forming force bonds rapidly automatically a Sith technique? Especially if it is something natural to the person? There were comments about it in the Sith Lords, but nothing that suggested that it was automatically evil.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Powers of Destruction: Redone

Kotor plus Me

Shadowani

KOTOR aboard Endar Spire: What if you intejected yourself into the game?

From the usage, I suspect you are French Canadian. So I will be gentle. Remember to sight edit and check grammar. Also remember to complete contractions, you used ill instead of I'll, well instead of we'll for example.

Also remember to sight edit. There are words that will pass a spell check (Though when you meant thought) for example. Remember to complete sentences 'Endar Spires put together.' should be 'Endar Spire's crew put together.', which is something else that a careful sight edit would catch.

It isn't the first time I have seen someone add themselves to the game, but the different views when it occurs are always interesting. The errors mentioned above caused some confusion.

Mekel's Demise

DarthNexus9000

KOTOR on Korriban: Saved, then killed by his savior

The piece was short, and it took me a few moments to realize what was happening. If you have played out the scene, all you have to do to kill the other person and at the same time save yourself is answer the questions correctly. It's as if Revan had fallen at the last minute in his attempt to save the other man.

jonathan8123

15 years post TSL: The son of the Exile goes in search of his parent

First, a planet that is uninhabitable has some condition that makes life as we know it unable to survive. Living on the surface of Saturn for example would be impossible with our present technology. Yet you have animals that live there. Hostile is not uninhabitable. As Robert Heinlein pointed out in a segment of the book Friday when explaining what he called the T-system (Comparing conditions on other planets to Earth) T-12 is Earth before man arrived on the scene; large predators, not knowing what specific food can be eaten, or the seasons being fierce, such as severe winters and summers, but we're still here.

The piece is dry and tasteless. You go out of your way to make the 'death of the force' as asexual as possible, so there is no characterization of either character. They are cardboard cut outs, not people we can relate to. The quest is confusing. You have to kill something to assure your survival, but you survive only by taking on it's capabilities; as if being death of the force is a title, not a condition. The main character wins, but how? If using the force feeds his opponent, the act of using the force to move the lightsaber to strike him would also feed it.

Parting Words

Helena L

Post KOTOR: At the wedding of his team mates, Jolee reminisces about his own past

The piece is a simple slice of life, with an old codger watching the young get on with their lives. I have reached the age where I do the same thing; watching young lovers, or kids with their first triumph, and know my own life will eventually end while they go on.

It's not that bad a feeling, really.

Turn of Events

Sith Lord Revan 1

Pre TSL: Revan as the Peragus station security chief?

Remember to sight edit, as words will pass a spell check but not be proper for the sentence; quite instead of quiet, herd instead of heard, that kind of thing.

The scenes in the facility before the Exile awakens is a little too rough to be workable. First, even drunk, someone is not going to draw down on the head of the security force; not and expect to be employed the next day. While it does happen in real life, in a situation where you both work for the company, it would get the miner's contract terminated. Also even in such a situation, a cop is not going to draw down on an employee. He'll disarm him, dump him in the cells, and the miner gets fired and kicked out. Also a mining laser is a tool, and when you're not working, you don't carry your tools around with you.

One question; Doesn't anyone wonder why their head of security has the same name as the former dark lord?

A Woman's Work

Lady Revan of Deralia

TSL on Malachor V: The Exile does her last duty to her departed.

The piece is poignant, a funeral pyre for her companion after defeating her enemies.

machievelli · June 9, 2012

Still locked out of SWK. So you get to see it here first!

We've dealt with triple digits, and I have the distinction (read I'm different from everyone else) that my system uses water more rapidly than everyone else. So, another week, and some good stuff for you.

Over at Fanfiction.net We start with Ashforge's Blackbird which scored one part of the paired Best of the week.

Over at kotorfanmedia we start with LunaChan's Murder then BrennaSolo's Jedi Ceremonies followed by Starphire's Bonds Broken, Bonds Reforged and ending with the other winner for best of the week; Midnight Hawk's Atton's Advocate

So again high temperatures deal with me, and my work goes on. A lot of fun, eh?

Signing off...

NSW Fiction, Dragon age origins: Where the world ceases...

Revan sama

Confusing word usage; logical and feelings should be logic and emotion rather than feelings. 'would criticize him' not criticized. 'didn't judge', not didn't judged, slowly cutting rather than cutting slowly, mortal woman rather than woman mortal.

cumbersome sentence structure; 'you must give it a weakness or search a weakness if it already possesses one' would make more sense as 'you must create a weakness or find a weakness it already possesses.'

The basic premise is excellent; find someone in emotional need, and feed that need to feed yourself.

NSW Fiction, Nightmares on Gehenna

Yukub

in the Future: Humans face a new threat

Equipment is hauled (Brought) not hailed (called)

'As a new (force of a ) million men (are, not is)'.

Technical note: the Can'Tores seem to be portrayed as a native species. If they are, they cannot be driven off the planet, they can only be forced onto reservations or eradicated.

And why Uranium? It is valuable, but at $50.50 per pound as of today's market (6 June) it would be cheaper to mine the asteroid belt. That was part of the reason they used Unobtainium in Avatar as the mineral they were looking for.

Military note; a total military for the planet of 20 million? There are almost as many on our planet under arms now even in a time of relative peace. There is, world wide about 2% of the population, (about 16.5 million) and the population is growing at a rate of about 30 million a year. If it were war time, Europe alone would be able to field that same amount. The US could field field it without breaking a sweat; China alone could field almost 300 million.

Also just out of curiosity, why have you sent off a million men for a deployment of fifteen years before you reinforce or rotate them out? The last government that used that long a deployment were the Romans. Most modern military units are pulled out of combat after about a year for rest and reorganization assuming combat; and out of garrison usually after four.

Leaving them on a base that can be attacked, as your penny packets are; leaves only your primary bases; Hotbase and Quergo, as somewhere to send them for such R&R. Since both are targets, this isn't much. When I was young, they were still sending men to Vietnam. For R&R they could go to Saigon, but like your military men, it wasn't that safe in comparison to say Singapore, Bangkok, Tokyo, or Cebu where they could also go back then.

The story is flowing, but the technical flaws I have mentioned above detracts from it a bit for me. The basic, the situation, the threat, is well portrayed. As is the threat I perceive from their own government.

Welcome to the forum.

The Pursuit of Revenge: Remembrance

LDR

Set in SWTOR, continuation of the previous work: The main character remembers...

Remember to sight edit. The mother is also a banker but you forgot 'a' in the sentence.

I like that we now have a little more flesh on the bones of your characters. Remember that most people when they read, imagine what the character sound and look like, and it's part of your job to give them a framework to build on. The only time this is not necessary is when you are using a well known character from someone else's work. If you say 'Sherlock Holmes reclined in his comfortable chair, smoke rising from his pipe', everyone will chose in their mind the actor who has portrayed that character, and insert him into the scene, whether it be Robert Downey Junior, Basil Rathbone, or my personal favorite, Michael Caine from Without a Clue.

Knights of the Old Republic: Roots

Blackbird

Ashforge

Pre-Mandalorian Wars: Revan falls in love, and begs her lover to stay in the light

The piece was well done with a few problems, primarily misspelled words. It moved me in odd ways seeing her decide she loved someone, and in so doing, wants that lover safe.

Pick of the Week

The Great War

wetdog8040

Post ANH: When the clones escape control, they find themselves again expendable

The piece is not even long enough to be a prologue. The biggest problem is the premise, leading to:

Technical note: A clone is created from a sample of tissue from a single person. There is not a whole lot of what can be called 'wiggle room' there. By judicious adjustment of the sample, you could theoretically create female clones using what is called a diploid complement; an exact opposite of the original DNA. As Robert Heinlein pointed out in Time Enough For Love, breeding the pair back is the next logical step. However the genetic bullet would not be as easily dodged in the following generations, any more than it is genetically safe to marry your own sister.

So you have a genetically flawed society sending these warriors out. With more flawed children growing up.

You also made no mention of tweaking the process to reduce the aging process used originally. The clones of the movies and books were aging at twice normal rate, meaning a man only 30 years old would be doddering along looking sixty. I assumed it had been done, just that you did not mention it.

The Fate of Revan

Winter Arani

Post KOTOR: Revan departs for the outer rim with more company than normal.

The piece doesn't really gel; both Canderous and Carth come across as too sycophantic. Not completely out of characters, but enough to jar.

Where the hssiss roam

Darth Phex

TSL on Korriban: A lot of things can happen in the tomb of Ludo Kressh...

Except for a few minor problems such as spelling things phonetically (Chubaka? Malacore?) and a need to sight edit before posting to avoid shear (instead of sheer) boredom, the piece was very funny. Lines like the following trip you up, and make you pause in disbelief;

"I believe you are strong enough to explore the tomb ahe-. Are you paying attention!"

"Of coarse(course) I am." Arie replied as she continued to carve "Arie was here" into the door with her lightsaber.

Does the Exile even get a clue as to what's happening? Of course not! She's too busy plowing on like a tank through a building.

l0ngshotOR

Pre Mandalorian Wars on Dantooine: Bastila meets Revan for only the second time

The piece flowed well, and makes me wish I could read further than the two chapters I did. There were a few jarring notes, having the Vao kids stage through Dantooine to go to Taris a little early (Since Bastila is listed as being ten, that would make Mission four or five) for example, but on the whole well done.

The Ebon Hawk

Winter Arani

Six decades post TSL: An old man waxes lyrical about the history of a ship he is showing to another

The piece confused me at the end of the second chapter; why would the Exile have to give up the force yet again?

Technical note: You did two things here that made no sense. First, you ID'd the ship as a CEC YT1000. While you can call her by whatever class and product ID you wish, remember that there will be almost 4,000 years between this ship and the Millennium Falcon, which is a YT1300.

Second, a Naval officer does not have the authority to decommission a civilian craft, which the Hawk is. If it had been commissioned as say a commerce raider (Such as HMS Rawalpindi or Jervis Bay during WWII) what would have happened is that the Navy would remove the weapons, decommission the ship, and return her to her original owners again. As she sits she is merely a light freighter equipped to protect herself in some of the rougher areas of the galaxy, not a warship

Bonds Broken, Bonds Reforged

Atton's Advocate

Midnight Hawk

TSL on Peragus: Atton is rescued by a surprising person

The piece was an excellent work covering the meeting between the Exile and Atton. The author did one thing few people did; having Atton automatically recognize her name. I did the same thing in a way in my own Return From Exile but before she had introduced herself:

“War council.”

“Yep the Bitch and her four hell hounds. Malak, Vitoris, Sanso, and Devos. The four riders of everyone else’s doom.”

Then:

“Since we’ll be working together, how about a name?”

“Oh, sorry. Rand, Atton Rand. And you?”

She shut off the security field, and took my outstretched hand. “Marai.” Her grin grew feral. “Marai Devos.”

Having them play Pazaak while waiting is a pure Atton touch, and having him thinking of Nar Shaddaa rules choice.

Pick of the Week

My Guess

JediExile TK421

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: A simple question brings up a flood of memory

The piece is a fun read because you get some in depth of both the Exile and Bao-Dur. Women only recently began serving in combat here in the US, but when they do, I can see subordinates checking them out first as women, and only then as soldiers. I handled the same scene by having Bao-Dur merely say 'I'm going back to work now' and making Atton work it out for himself.

Murder

LunaChan

Originally reviewed 17 November 2006, that review is below:

Sith Lords: Atton’s death from the Exile’s view.

A little stilted, but all in all excellent! 25 readers gave this a thumbs up. Worth every one of them.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Jedi Ceremonies

BrennaSolo

Post TSL: The first Jedi knight of the new order

The piece was fun not because of the ceremony or the reception, though Revan and Carth playing up their romance to scare the straights was fun. What I enjoyed was the idea that Carth had known and commanded Atton before, and that the Corellian Jedi went their own way in regard to marriage. Since they seem to be at odds with the rest of the galaxy on everything else too...

Pick of the Week

Starphire

Originally posted 24 November 2006 on the Lucasforums Coruscant Entertainment and SWK. That review is below:

In the words of the author: Very short, very Bao-Dur-centric

The writing is a bit hesitant, but I think it was subject matter more than anything else. The work is excellent.

I don’t know if the authors of the game had considered a romance between these two characters, but I say go for it.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Tia's story: chapter 1

Mcich

Prior to KOTOR: A Jedi visits the Dantooine Academy

The piece is funny because we have someone probably receiving a vision of what will happen to the Academy before visiting it. The piece is a nice slice of normal Jedi Life.

machievelli · June 13, 2012

Due to circumstances I will need to have my computer in the shop this weekend starting on Thursday, so I will not be posting a column this week. I apologize to all those eagerly awaiting my attentions. In my next posting I will, upon the request of the author here at CEC, review a posting by them to Fanfiction.net. A disturbing piece as any who reads it will agree...

LDR · June 14, 2012

It's all good. Unexpected complications tend to fiddle with the machines of today.

Take your time. There only going to be...like...what... a couple dozen more stories for you to review next week?

machievelli · June 23, 2012

A week of triple digits, and nothing else is happening. As you can tell, my computer is back up. This time the tech deleted every one of my favorites from my Internet Explorer, meaning I have to recreate them, again. This time I am going to make a copy as if exporting them to another program and update them every week. Also when I tried to access the SWK site to post from the library with their computer I got the same response. So it's not on my machine.

So what is good this week? Take a look...

Over at kotorfanmedia Charys starts us off with the reprise pick The Tale of Baba Yaga, KOTOR style followed by another reprise pick, gekkeiju's In Your Dreams and finishing up with our best of the week, RogueLadySabyne's Flowers and Reconciliation

Well back to the grind. Signing off...

Mass Effect - Origins of the Reapers

Yukub

NSW based on Mass Effect Game: A dissertation on one of the plot holes in the work

Remember to finish sentences. The Citadel, (was) constructed by the Keepers with the help of their Machines. You could have also left out the was by adding 'still stands today'. It's a minor problem, when I'm working hot and heavy on a story I tend to not finish sentences; that's one reason I tell people to reread then rewrite. The remainder of my critique is technical.

Technical notes: I have not played the game, so this is based on inferences in your work. First, the comment about the keepers 'Their civilization had reached its peak' was unnecessary, merely that their society was in decline.

Also saying; 'though the Keepers themselves were not the toughest and strongest species alive' was unsupported. Whatever race you speak of could be listed as not the toughest or strongest. The addition of the Machines would help even a very fragile race maintain superiority.

As for the genesis of the machines, one aside: saying they could take on a capital ship, are you referring to a modern one in the game?

The description of the machines themselves suggests cybernetic organisms, or at least biomechanical constructs. So the 'bugs' and later virus sounds like a flaw in the original design. A computer virus does not occur naturally, though a series of bugs, especially in equipment that is left running too long could cause something similar. However one thing a machine without a human brain or AI algorithms similar to the operation of a human brain cannot do; they cannot change their programming. As much as people liked the old ST episode; survival does not negate programming.

Interesting premise. Wish my laptop would play it...

1941

christos200

Listed as NSW, though we have Jedi: An alternate universe rendition of WWII

First, remember 'A Long Time Ago in a Galaxy Far, Far Away...” In the Intro to every SW novel, so calling a holy order 'Jedi' and a Muslim order the 'Sith' is a stretch.

Since you tend to try to write script style, you don't need a line of laughter, and anything more than a single exclamation point is unnecessary.

'Commander of the Unit'? What size unit? If it's a squad, it would be either a sergeant or corporal, if it's larger, a lieutenant. Also, what division of the German army? If it's a Wehrmacht unit, it would be feldwebel but if it were an SS or Waffen SS unit it would be a rottenfurher (As a squad) and Luetnant or Untersturmführer for an officer.

Technical note: I don't know what they teach in Greece, but the nation was dragged into both World Wars. The British literally captured the Greek Monarch, and demanded that Greece enter the war against the Central powers of that time. After the war, Britain had the Greeks sign a mutual defense pact, which is what drew Greece into the second war.

As for your timeline following Hitler's death, I am have studied that war for longer than you have been alive.

First, every bit of land grabbed by the Nazis right up to the invasion of Greece had been taking back land taken under the Treaty of Versailles; One of the most vindictive 'treaties' ever written. Thanks to the US, France and the 'allies' was able to steal just about every bit of land won by Germany and the defunct Austria-Hungarian empire in the last century. Every bit of land grabbed back by the Nazis had been stolen from them.

In late 1940, early 1941 when your story would have occurred, Russia was still abiding by the Non-Aggression pact; it would not end until 22 June of 1941, with Operation Barbarossa, Germany's invasion of Russia.

Let us assume that Hitler died when you suggested. No one could have taken control of Germany after his death except for the Deputy Fuher, who was Rudolf Hess who had made the flight into England and would be captured in May 1941, a month after the events you portray.The German invasion of Greece happened a month earlier. Hess wanted to convince England to join in the 'crusade' against the Communists. If Hitler had died, there would have been a scramble for power.

Without Hitler to drive it, the Russian invasion would not have occurred; the High command knew they could fight the Russians, but had a two front war already between the Battle of the Atlantic and North Africa. As much as you think the Russians would have repudiated the Non-Aggression Pact it worked for Russia as Stalin was using it to clean house. This would have set up the later war; would Germany avoid getting into war with the US?

Without Hitler, Germany might have convinced Japan to ignore the US; the primary reason the Japanese grabbed Southwest Asia was because all of the resources they bought from the US was there in lands owned by France England and Holland. It was the decision to freeze their assets in the US after they did that forced Japan into open war.

But even with Roosevelt trying to stack the deck and force a declaration of war between January 1940 and the Attack on Pearl Harbor, the American people did not want to get into the European conflict. If the Japanese had ignored them, or listed everything Roosevelt had done to try to force the issue, it would have stopped America from attacking.

The Tale of Baba Yaga, KOTOR style

Charys

Originally reviewed 1 December, 2006. That review is below:

The tale of the Baba Yaga meets TSL head on.

Having read the tales of the Baba Yaga, and written my own full length KOTOR II novel, I think I know both stories well. With that out of the way, I have to admit, I didn’t think they could be combined like this.

I like it!

Reprise Pick of the Week

Day Dreams of Young Knights

BrennaSolo

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Four young people immerse themselves in children's tales.

Except for the fact that all of the tales are connected to Earth, the piece was very well done. The author's choices were interesting; and the attitude of the readers toward the stories they were reading made them their own. Funny, Bao-Dur doesn't look Jewish...

"The Literary Review"

DarthExile

TSL no specific period given: A review by me of... a review?

Having HK47 take my seat for once is different, and the work, about him of course, merely a cutesy farce that irritates him immensely. His dissection of the work line by line, and of the author in the same way was well done and amusing. All I have to say is 'You better watch out...'

In Your Dreams

gekkeiju

Originally reviewed 1 December, 2006. That review is below:

During TSL: The revelations of Atton’s past.

gekkeiju had done another excellent piece here. Alike and different from the above reviewed work. The setting is excellent, the piece sublime in that you fully understand why the characters are arguing, and learn more about them in the telling. Well worth a read.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Flowers and Reconciliation

RogueLadySabyne

TSL on Dxun: Saying thank you can be hard.

RLS has always turned out good work, and her works with more than one exile like this one is always well done. The characters are well defined, the situation clear and action concise.

Pick of the Week

An Open Letter to the KFM Community

ZK273

TSL: A complaint from one of the characters.

The piece is funny in that the one character I myself do not like has some genuine complaints about his treatment at the hands of some of the site's people. A cute little diatribe. Oh he's right; the modeler's forgot his upper lip!

Tales of KOTOR: The Hollowed

Our first offering from fanfiction was a read requested by the author.

GESTALT: A Novel

Vyrazhi

NonSW fiction: In a future world, a group of young people look at their lives.

The piece has a unique perspective because this is a future Utopian society but seen from the view of the teenager. I enjoyed the sub culture created; bounce music sounds like an interesting phenomenon. I didn't have time to read it all.

Dante-Raven

TSL After the battle of Telos: Sion faces his fate after hearing of Nihilus's death

The author had an interesting premise; if you're immortal and your enemy cannot even hurt you, what is your purpose?

Fortune Favors the Bold

Kendoka Girl

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: The defenders prepare for the attack

The piece is twenty chapters long, so I didn't have time to read very far. This segment is the orders for preparation.

NOT a satisfactory ending

Malicean

Clone Wars on Kashyyk: Two chance met warriors help each other

All problems with the work are technical mentioned below:

When dealing with something like cloning to create an army, you wouldn't be tweaking the genome so tightly in the first units, and using a score (20) for that would be a waste of time; especially when at the start of the war you have over two million units already produced. It would be more like 50,000 in batch 1 with the follow on units being also in the thousands. Also, everything you differentiated would be a matter of training rather than genetic capability.

As for the predator they faced, most species of any specific environment are pretty much the same when it comes to the symmetry of their design. Here on earth all animals with more limbs (extra legs, wings etc) are limited by size. There are no giant spiders or insects here on Earth, so having the animal be ten legged was confusing. Look at every predator of even our prehistory from T-Rex to a modern tiger, and you have four limbs and bilateral symmetry.

Anniversaries

Jiolee

KOTOR on Tatooine: A perfect romantic evening...Not!

The title really doesn't fit the work; it implies a longer relationship than the few months (Depending on when your team reaches Tatooine) or years if in the aftermath. The build up, the romantic setting, ending in a farce too easily anticipated. But fun.

Fitting In

Knightskye

Seven Years Post TSL: Revan and the Exile are back from the Unknown... But why haven't they contacted their friends?

The piece was fun to read. There are five more chapters, and if I find the time this week, I will be going back to read the rest. I still don't know why they have been in hiding for the last two years.

MsFicwriter · June 23, 2012

Dear machievelli,

Thank you for reading and reviewing GESTALT, despite its length! It means a lot to me that you were willing to give it a shot.

Yukub · June 23, 2012

Thanks for reviewing! Always looking forward to it.

machievelli · June 30, 2012

As reported last week I found out (By going over to the local library to go online) that the fault with SWK, which has still not been fixed is with the site. If anyone here can contact whoever their IT person is, please let me know, because it's been six weeks with no joy on my end using the staff listing. To emulate Mel Brooks, I sent a nasty note to Machievelli and he told me he couldn't help, and why didn't I bother someone who could?

So here we are. Let's look at this week's offerings...

From Fanfiction.net we have Treymane with Broken Worlds

Over at kotorfanmedia we have Mellyna's reprise pick

The Last Farewell Lotus Rose with

After A Day's Work Part 1 Scythe404 with What Was Lost

Scythe404 and the Best of the week with Dwwoooo followed by Allronix's reprise Pick “Almost Dawn”

Well, triple digits a month early, and expected. I will be back next week.

Signing off...

Strength of Brothers Part 1

Alphabet Soup

MordorianNazgul

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: Bao Dur supports his General

The piece flow very well. The idea that no matter how strong or superior you are, you need support from others comes through very well.

A Mandalorian's Honour

Daemonette19

Set after Revelations: Still stunned by the revelation on Leviathan, Revan supports Mando'a honor first.

You see a Revan literally split inside herself dealing with another's problem first. The royal we was used throughout, as if her mind had to come to a consensus to decide anything, yet she understood where Canderous did not. I was not moved by the explanation given by Canderous, however. His action, while not the vainglorious one assumed by Jagi still left me wondering why he didn't attempt to save Jagi's survivors after the fact. An interesting take on the scene.

Dragon Pearl

Enide

Post KOTOR: With the mission completed, Bastila faces a harder challenge, facing her dying mother.

Unfortunately I did not have time to read more than the first chapter; the piece was getting interesting with the two woman still ripping at each other as if the brief reconciliation had never happened. Yet you know from the internal dialogues that both of them want to reconcile. It's just a matter of how.

The Story of the Men

Adventurous Putty

Pre KOTOR: The past examined during the New Republic.

The piece started out interesting, the prologue enough to draw me in. But it has yet to be completed. The Jedi council allowing Revan to search the news to keep track didn't make sense. If they are dead set against family relationships, why would they allow him to keep tracking a war they are dead set on not joining?

Broken Worlds

Treymane

Post TSL: While the Exile goes in search of Revan, he leaves the hard work to those he leaves behind.

Remember conversation breaks. There was only one time you missed it, and I have seen professionals do so, so it's just a comment.

Odd sentence structure; 'I'm doubtless the others thought me weak,' should probably have been 'No doubt the others thought me weak,'.

This was written seven years ago, so no doubt you have gotten better since then.

Another of those pieces where I wish I had time to read it all; the leave taking was well done, and the signs of new problems well done.

Pick of the Week

Fires of Mordor

During the post Clone Wars period: A fugitive from another galaxy meets a clone and Jedi

Technical note: The biggest stumbling block I had was the main character coming from a different galaxy. In our own case here in the Milky way, our nearest galactic neighbor (Before the discovery of the Sagittarius Dwarf Elliptical Galaxy in 1994) the large Magellanic Cloud lies about 160,000 light years away, while the small Magellanic Cloud is around 200,000. Even SAG DEG is 50,000 light years away from our galaxy and 70,000 light years away from Earth's position.

That equates to decades of travel if you were using the warp drive of Star Trek, and even using the unexplained hyperdrive of Star Wars, more than the seven years mentioned.

The piece was too short to get a good feel, but the characters are well defined. I just wish you had done more with it.

After A Day's Work Part 1

The Last Farewell

Mellyna

Originally reviewed 7 April 2006. That review (Which was not posted to the thread at the time) is below:

Set somewhere during the interim of KOTOR II. Revan says goodbye to the Ebon Hawk

This is the second time mellyna has graced my maundering. The piece is short but sweet. Too short to really satisfy, but well done.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Lotus Rose

TSL Behind the Scenes: The actors relax from their roles, but there is still trouble

The piece blindsided me when they cut the death scene, and from there slapped me again and again. Having more than one Exile made sense, since you have about a dozen of each sex to choose from for your character. I don't have time to hunt the rest down and read it, but I anticipate at least one scene where a female Exile is in a lip lock with a Male one, and the resulting commentary from others who happen to see it.

Pick of the Week

What Was Lost

Scythe404

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton gets advice and consolation from an unexpected source.

An interesting take since most of the byplay between the two characters is acrimonious to the extreme. Atton always acts like the Pride leader when he sees Mical on the horizon, as if he must defend his property from all comers. To have the younger man literally say 'go for it you idiot!' is just too perfect.

Mical's own memories of the Exile herself giving him the words of wisdom that move the pilot is poignant; he knows in his heart that she does not him, and is stepping aside for the one she can love.

Pick of the Week

“Almost Dawn”

Allronix

Originally reviewed 21 April 2006. That review is below:

A missing scene from Kotor II. Carth and Canderous team up to rescue Revan

This is the fifth time Allronix has been reviewed by me. It just keeps getting better.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Dwwoooo

Scythe404

TSL Aboard Ebon Hawk: Atton has ticked off everyone on board, and there is time for payback...

I have an extremely retentive memory; shows I have not seen in decades are still there for me to remember. That being said, the piece reminded me of an episode of the old Night Gallery TV show I saw exactly once; The Sins of the Fathers/You Can't Get Help Like That Anymore.

A couple buy a new robot maid to replace their old one. The mechanics list damage caused not by accidents but abuse. So they send out a new model with a new set of instructions. When Broadrick Crawford and Cloris Leachman (The Fultons) begin abusing the new robot played by Lana Wood, she deals with them just as Atton is about to be dealt with.

As more than one reviewer commented, freaky.

Pick of the Week

I Killed Her Because I Loved Her

SnuggleBunny

Pre TSL on Dxun: When he killed that last Jedi...

The piece was short and a bit alarming. To have her put into his mind her emotions, and his reaction to it makes me wonder what would have happened if the Exile had told him she loved him, especially with Kreia there to make history repeat itself.

machievelli · July 7, 2012

The link to post aqt SWK is back up with great rejoicing at this end. So...

Luke Skywalker: Deadly Desert

christos200

ANH Prequel: A different view of Luke's earlier days.

you 'take (over) your father's bar', not just take it. 'going from the '' Deadly Desert'', to go more fast to Nick's house.' should be going 'through' to get to Nick's house faster. By inserting () and deleting [] this sentence makes sense. ''If it is just an old myth, then why (Doesn't anyone)[no one] come[to](through) this desert?!'' 'I am sorry I (Always capitalize the personal I) didn't [told] (tell) you this.''

Sandpeople is a name for a group, not a single one. So it would be a sandpeople warrior

The set up for why they are crossing the 'deadly desert' doesn't make sense in a frontier environment, which even with the technology Tatooine is. Before the advent of the mass produced car, few people traveled more than twenty miles from home in their lives except on business, when they would ride a horse, stage, or train. Having a friend live in another town was a death sentence for a close friendship.

In such societies, social gatherings like a party were in a central location if possible and if it were more than ten miles away, most would not attend; that's a three hour trip in horse and wagon days. Under average conditions, the standard walking pace on firm soil is 3.5 miles an hour, down to 1.5 on loose sand, as with dunes. I have been to few parties worth walking almost three hours or more. Besides, why not fly his T-16? Instead you have him walking at night, in a desert with known threats such as Krayt dragons and Sandpeople.

Worse yet, Luke lives out on the farm, and to go to this party has to walk to town, collect his friend, then walk to the party.

Second, people do not call something the 'deadly whatever' without a reason. Admittedly that reason might be ancient and no longer apply, but if it's an ancient name, you would know it, and if it is a modern one, you would also know. You did sort of address this, but Jimmy's question was still valid as the attack shows.

The actual fight doesn't make a lot of sense, and here's the best way I can think of the explain why. 'Mark Hamill and his friend are attacked by Hulk Hogan. After his friend is knocked to the ground by Hogan, Hamill kicks Hogan in the face once, rendering him unconscious at which point Luke's friend is able to warn Luke, get up and flee'. What is wrong with this picture?

Then after all this effort to go to the party, you end up back in town. Also, why is his friend staying in a hotel rather than with friends or relatives? Unless his family looks down on him for leaving, it would save money and time getting to parties if he is living at home.

Last, again, an actual written laugh is unnecessary if it is not a sarcastic answer.

While there are problems as I mentioned above, the piece has some interesting plot twists.

Until the world start again...

Revan sama

Pre KOTOR on Malachor V: In death there is also love

'The vision of her own death...and what consequences it can product'. Should be produce or could produce.

The piece is surreal, visions from two people, one dying, the other her killer.

Luke Skywalker: Blumer Fort

christos200

ANH Prequel chapter two: Things are convoluted on the Imperial front.

Technical notes: Having the Senate get upset after almost 22 years of Imperial control because of military defeats is a bit much. As an example, a guerrilla war against the Empire would be such similar to the one being fought in China during the 27 year long Civil war between the Nationalists and the Communists http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chinese_Civil_War ; which barely got coverage in Western news papers until the invasion by Japan in 1937 http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sino-Japanese_War_(1937-1945). Even then, the events in China barely rated the second or third page from 1937 until 1939.

As for 'military defeats' define the term? Depending on which press (Defeat oriented or victory oriented with associated talking heads) you read we were both winning and losing the 8 year long Vietnam War (1964 to 1972). Most of the 'defeats' the US army suffered were small in comparison to the 'victories' we won. The last Major defeat of that war was Dien Bien Phu http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dien_Bien_Phu_Battle in March and May of 1954.

Someone once said of that war, that we (The US) 'won the war and lost the peace'. We were portrayed in our own press as the losers, yet none of the right wing (Loser) press could point at a single major battle we had lost. Yet every minor battle we lost was trumpeted as if it were Midway, El Alamein or Stalingrad.

Face it; until the Death Star was destroyed, there were no major defeats for the Imperial forces, and that happened after the period you portray. The US lost no major battles though they 'lost' the battle of Hue according to the right wing press. The fact that the US relieved Hue and kicked the North Vietnamese out is of course secondary. As for financial troubles, that is something you created to convince the reader that the Senate is showing it's strength.

As for brandishing a weapon; after 25,000 years, I doubt the Republic Senate has not already created such a rule a lot earlier. The US had one before the War Between the States (Less than eighty years after the Constitution).

What you have created here is an example of the furor in the Roman Senate when the mob voted Julius Caesar Imperator before his assassination.

Yet Vader's argument is cogent; not that the senators themselves are rich, but coalitions of the rich would put their people in those senate seats over their own people's heads. Not surprising; There hasn't been a 'poor' president since Eisenhower.

Again our perennial argument. A nuclear weapon is a specific weapon; not some 'Sith enhanced' device. When you say 'nuclear' weapon, your readers 'see' something with less than 100 megatons that would destroy Washington and level Baltimore with the shockwave, but not affect Philadelphia.

As for 'Operation Storm', you first Nuke it, then blast it from orbit, and only then attack it with troops. What is this fortress made of? There is no known cladding or armor that will take the nuke alone, and if it survived that what would survive an orbital bombardment then a plasma bombardment and then need the troops? Plasma, by definition, is heated to the same temperature as the surface of the sun, so again I ask, what is it made of, since nothing known to man would survive sitting in the corona of our own own sun? And it is not the first, but the third weapon used?

Also, consider this; a 'Nuke' that would destroy Washington DC would not leave you a base to use for further operations. The city would be obliterated, and using DC as a base afterward would be like setting up in a toxic waste facility.

Your story is going further afield as it progresses.

Moments: Sunrise and Scars

Rhiannon

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: After a flashback to the start of the war for Revan, Atton considers all the things the Exile does not ask.

An interesting view of, of all things, scars. The description of her limp as a 'general's limp' suggests a wound as a veteran would say, because you were young and too stupid to duck. Both had been wounded in that war, and I agree with Atton as to why she doesn't ask. Maybe she would find out too much.

Pick of the Week

Atonement Chapter 1: En Route to Telos

Exile Starrcast

TSL En Route to Telos after Peragus: The Exile tries to find out about her companions

Technical note: According to canon, the Mandalorian wars started with twelve years of gnawing around the edges before the attack on the Republic, followed by four years of fighting before Revan led the Jedi into it. But then you foreshorten the Jedi portion, which was, again according to canon, four years, to only two.

The piece has a softer Atton, not so willing to lash out. When he discovers her weakness in Pazaak he limits his own skill rather than merely winning to say he has. Being a friendly ear worked well.

Pick of the Week

Sideways

Arrow

Post TSL on Corellia: The Disciple has an unexpected visitor, and a new mission, sort of.

I didn't expect Atton to show up bare arsed, and his explanation was choice. I pictured Atton, and the scene when he fled vividly, and Mical's keeping to technical terms while Atton is more down and dirty was fun to read. Having to go back for his lightsaber and money (Not to mention his clothes) is fun, and the fact that they need someone who speaks Mandalorian just icing on the cake.

Pick of the Week

Truth Or Dare

RogueLadySabyne

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Truth or Dare, Star Wars style

Mical's comment; that the truth is what you should always put forward, fits the character perfectly. The piece was funny because Mical is such a straitlaced character that Atton's dare aims her ire at the scoundrel. A riot.

Pick of the Week

Cheaters Never Prosper

Exile Starrcast

Pre TSL: We finally get an explanation of why Atton was in that force cage.

The piece was fun and irreverent. Leaving him hung over, and naked in a storage locker on Peragus was a cheerfully sadistic touch.

Moments: Caution, Regrets and Farewell

Rhiannon

TSL On Dantooine: A flashback to before the war leads to regrets and tears later

It is an interesting view both of their past and their present. Kavar and the girl who became the Exile in their illicit meeting, leading to his memories and self condemnation at not attempting to save her from Exile. This segues into her crying over his body on Dantooine. Very well portrayed.

Pick of the Week

Reincarnations of the Old Republic

What If

Knightskye

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Two children and a Jedi Knight...

This is the second time Knightskye had graced my pages. The problem with this piece is it is too short to really get a feel for the presented thought. The title implies different possibilities, but none are suggested.

KiraYamoto1

And so we go on

Years post TSL: Revan and the Exile finally return

The author tries to cover too much in the back story giving us a time capsule for all of the ones who remained in snippets before the return. It is a personal opinion, but having them fill in that blank with dialogue would have been better.

Corran Griffin

KOTOR over Taris: A reincarnated soul gets another chance

I have to admit, I have seen a lot of different ways to get into the SW universe; taking a plane from India that lands on Coruscant, being sucked into the game, entering it voluntary among others.

The author neatly sidestepped the 'Long ago in a galaxy far, far away' by making it an alternate dimension and having the main character be a part of that galaxy who accidentally was reincarnated here.

I just wish it was longer, and wonder if this is Revan's soul returning.

Welcome to My Life

Sith Lord Revan1

KOTOR on Dantooine: What if Revan found out about his past earlier?

The piece moved too quickly. You went from the revelation to flight before anyone beyond Revan knew why. Having him explain that the council had suddenly become Sith didn't make a lot of sense either.

The Master Returns

Wildcat08

PreKOTOR: What kept them in place after Revan had proven it false?

I had no time to read beyond the beginnig, and it didn't tell me a lot of the backstory.

Soulless

DarthGabithaTheHutt

Post KOTOR aboard Ebon Hawk: There is one battle remaining for our hero...

This was a very interesting read. The author turns what is usually a mental confrontation into a physical one with one simple elegant and logical idea. I was swept along for the ride, and at the end I was only a bit disappointed.

You see, it reminded me of the final confrontation in Fight Club, and I had kind of hoped it would end the same way.

Pick of the Week

christos200 · July 7, 2012

As for 'Operation Storm', you first Nuke it, then blast it from orbit, and only then attack it with troops. What is this fortress made of? There is no known cladding or armor that will take the nuke alone, and if it survived that what would survive an orbital bombardment then a plasma bombardment and then need the troops? Plasma, by definition, is heated to the same temperature as the surface of the sun, so again I ask, what is it made of, since nothing known to man would survive sitting in the corona of our own own sun? And it is not the first, but the third weapon used?

That's the point of operation Storm. To make sure that no enemy is alive. Vader wants to wipe out the Nomads, so they stop their raids against the Empire.

So he uses every weapon possible to be 100% sure that no one can survive.

As to what the Fort is made of, you will see in a few Chapters. I have already planned a Chapter about the Empire sending some spies in the Nomads capital.

machievelli · July 7, 2012

That's the point of operation Storm. To make sure that no enemy is alive. Vader wants to wipe out the Nomads, so they stop their raids against the Empire.

So he uses every weapon possible to be 100% sure that no one can survive.

As to what the Fort is made of, you will see in a few Chapters. I have already planned a Chapter about the Empire sending some spies in the Nomads capital.

I can understand Caedite Eos, but it still does not explain how you expect to occupy an irradiated stubble field and expect any of your own men to survive.

christos200 · July 7, 2012

i noticed something:

Face it; until the Death Star was destroyed, there were no major defeats for the Imperial forces, and that happened after the period you portray.

This is AU. I am going to change many things. Almost everything you see in Star Wars , except the basics, will change.

I am even going to replace Death Star with an other weapon.

machievelli · August 5, 2012

For some reason everything agter July 7th is missing here... Must have been when the system crashed.

Star Wars: Illusive Ghosts

Star Wars: Retribution

Suaidan

Several years after TPM: A Sith apprentice now has only revenge to guide him

Note: The author is new to the forum and asked to look at the review ahead of time. The questions raised below remain, but I have been informed that Maul had survived the Naboo mission, had been given prosthetic legs, etc. So this is just me venting, but not at you, kid.

The intro is interesting enough, but we have some technical problems that need to be addressed.

Technical, medical: I remember Darth Maul falling down the chute and dividing almost neatly in half at the waist, his arms saved only because his hands were up ready to strike when the blow severed his lower body.

Not his legs, his lower body at about the waist line. That means that along with the legs, we're also talking about half of his GI tract, kidneys, liver and bladder lost as well. Before you ask, this has happened in our own reality and world in incidents where a man is hit by a train and the wheels cut him in half, cauterizing the wound as it is inflicted. Survival is counted not in hours, but in minutes because you also have no way to continue bumping blood within what does remain without massive immediate medical intervention. Using only our own modern medicine, in a combat situation, it is a matter of giving the man a hot shot of morphine to put him out of his misery.

So how did he survive long enough to escape? Granted he might have found a way to survive the fall. But he now has to gain medical support, have the remaining parts of the damaged arterial/venal system somehow rerouted to maintain some function, have some system built to replace every part of his intestines below the duodenum, and only then can you worry about something as minor as legs. All within not days, but minutes.

For us to assume that somehow he escapes from Naboo without the Jedi or Sidious knowing he survived is very unlikely. For this to occur, he would need a ship of his own, with not only a worker droid to come and transport him to it, a medical droid to stabilize him long enough to get to proper medical attention, and a secret medical facility to replace the destroyed organs. Oh, and a minor point, stay conscious long enough to set this all in motion.

A full fledged trauma unit assuming the medical knowledge of the SW universe would probably be able to do it, but here we run into the next technical issue.

Technical note Secrecy: Let's assume the seemingly insurmountable problem of keeping him alive is taken care of. A technician sees the body, calls medical, the remains are rushed to a trauma center, and they save his live. Well done. However you now have a military prisoner attached to life support machinery which is rather bulky initially, and therefore unable to merely get up and walk away.

Using the modern rules of war There is nothing in the Geneva Conventions requiring a prisoner in a POW camp be given anything beyond life support in a situation like this; in fact if the Germans had captured this man during WWII they would merely repatriate him to ease their own burden or as I said, allow him to exit the scene painlessly. As an example, Group Captain Douglas Bader (Who has the honor of being the only double amputee to not only fly in combat but with 20 individual kills as well) was shot down over France in August 1941. He survived because while both of his artificial legs were pinned and unable to move, he merely disconnected them when he bailed out.

When captured, the Infantry officer initially believed it was some kind of British propaganda ploy until the legs were recovered from the wreckage. When German intelligence discovered his capture, they refused requests to repatriate him and he spent the next four years in POW camps.

But unlike Bader, Maul's wounds are more recent, and more serious. Also his situation is in a gray area of International law (As it is written as of this date). While actively fighting for the Trade Federation, he is not an employee of that agency. He is an agent of a secretive third party, I.E. Sidious. Remember the Mission Impossible initial briefings? “Should any of your men be caught or killed, the secretary will disavow any knowledge of your actions.”

That makes Maul what is defined under that law an Illegal Combatant, outside of the law as to treatment. Legally they can be shot out of hand, though the US has used it to keep the men presently incarcerated at Guantanamo Bay. But their capture and incarceration must be reported, so we have this man in a hospital on Naboo while they work on manufacturing him a new GI tract and necessary artificial organs. Not something that can be done within a few days.

But Sidious (As Senator then later Chancellor Palpatine) would know he survived. Would he bother even letting him live? Unlikely. Maul is the one person that can derail the entire plan merely by spilling his guts. In other words, he'd live as the old saying goes, about as long as a pint of Irish whiskey at a wake. If Sidious didn't send someone to deal with him, he could instead have him turned over to Republic intelligence, where no one would ever even know what happened. Think of Bader above being turned over to the Gestapo, or a man in old Soviet Russia being turned over to the KGB, with only one man in oversight, Palpatine. Even if you assume he is held by the American CIA, there are men within that organization that could be suborned who would assure he did not survive long enough to talk. Something that both Palpatine and Maul would know.

Would the Naboo (Or intelligence) spend the time and money on giving him new legs? Probably not unless he talked. So about a month after his capture, we have a healed Maul trapped in a life support chair, being wheeled into a Republic Intelligence office, still immobile beyond the chair. Also the Jedi council would know he survived. Whatever Palpatine might plan, the council would be eager to talk to this man, if only to find out where his master is.

Technical note: Finances: Here we run into a very sticky problem. First, to escape successfully, he as to assure that no one knows he's still alive. On the mundane level, he knows that being in a life support chair makes him glaringly obvious to observers when the police issue a BOLO (Be On the Look Out for) with his escape. An Iridonian in a life support chair would be a rarity. So he has to make sure he is presumed dead, and that means finding another Iridonian, chopping him in half, then say incinerating his body along with another life support chair to cover it up. Since the ones holding him would not have left him his lightsaber (A minor point I left until now) he would have to A: secretly construct a new one while in prison under watch and guard. B: Escape. C: find another life support chair and another Iridonian male to chop up and incinerate. D: fund his evasion.

Here we run into a serious problem, as if he didn't have enough already.

He probably wouldn't have enough money initially. If he escaped, is presumed dead, then accessed the accounts opened by Palpatine, he might as well shoot off fireworks, at least for his master. If he were on Coruscant when this happened, it would not even take a day trip for Palpatine himself to go to where he had been spotted and deal with the problem personally.

Yet it is an axiom in intelligence work that any field agent will squirrel away some of the funds issued to him by his parent organization for his own use later. After a long enough time, he'd have enough to retire on in his own secret accounts, and he'd need it in this case. So he now has to find a medical tech or droid that can design and construct a smaller scale version of his life support equipment, then build a prosthetic casing for it along with legs.

Could it be done? Not very easily if he escapes before the Naboo can capture him. Could it be done secretly? Maybe. Could it be done cheaply? No way in hell.

I'd like to see more even if these have to be addressed to GL and the writers. The piece is stilted, but that is polish and editing.

Welcome to the forum.

Yukub

During the Imperial Period, no specifics so far: An interrogation begins

Remember to spell check. Also, the comma at 'pain everywhere(,) as a electrical shock was given to him by the droid' is redundant.

Improper sentence structure; 'made his broken lips wet with his tongue' would have been better as 'ran his tongue over his broken lips'.

As for harsh language; it seems that younger people seem to think that using foul language makes them sound more adult; a problem I saw with my ex-wife's daughter, who cussed more than I (Four years in the Coast Guard, and yes, when I am frustrated I cuss like a trooper) ever used even on my worst days. The way to get around this stricture is to use word common in this genre which will pass the filter. I used Fierfek (Mandalorian) for the reproductive one as an example. What cracks me up is Japanese names with the same four letter word are bleeped even though the word does not mean the same thing in Japanese.

An interesting beginning. The scene is well set, the menace obvious.

Myths of the Mandalorians- Ghost of the Darkness

The Grey Jedi

The primary problem I had with the work is that there are a number of words that needed an apostrophe, but didn't get it because the author was using them as quotation marks. Not a major problem, but irritating.

While the Handmaidens are Echani, the author suggests that they all grew up at the Telos installation, and survived the initial bombardment carried out by Saul Karath. There would have been no logical reason for Atris to begin her planning for the 'end of the Jedi' that early.

Also, the interlude where the two criminals are killed suggests as the title does, some kind of murderous ghost, but again if they had lived there all this time the Handmaidens (Or Atris) would have known of it unless it was something new.

Dark Gift

Bald As Malak

Pre TSL: Visas witnesses the end of her planet, and the dark gift given to her by her old master.

Like all of BAM's work, this has depths most of us haven't put into our own work. The description of the way the Miraluka 'see' and connect within their society even down to the life of everything there is drawn as if on a tapestry, and witnessing it's end like someone with a white wash (Of in this case a black wash) covering all that vibrant color with a pallid sameness.

I especially liked two things; the fact that her race due to their way of seeing never had a word for alone; she had to remember Galactic basic to come up with it. Also that Nihilus is a Miraluka word for deep space, where as she thinks on it, it is not that there is no life, only that it is very hard to find.

Excellent work

Pick of the Week

Ashes of Katarr

Crystal001

Pre TSL: Another view of Visas' original torment

The piece is short and well done, but the idea that all of that life being sucked out caused a firestorm of some kind just did not fit with my view of it. If you have seen the Star Trek the Next Generation episode Datalore, you might remember the comments made by the crew when they revisit the world where Mister Data had been found. The occupied section of the planet had been stripped completely of life 26 years earlier when the farming colony had vanished, and Crystal001's work suggests that. What I envisioned was more like the aftermath of a neutron bomb but on a planet wide scale; dead trees still standing with leaves still intact until they wither and fall away; bodies laying there merely being mummified rather than rotting because even bacteria are dead.

Reunion

Adnarim

TSL On Telos: Bao Dur rescues the party, and sees his future in one of the survivors.

The piece is one of those rare ones where Bao Dur is the main character. His voice is as in the game, soft but compelling.

Pick of the Week

The Lost Jedi Prologue

DarthRedHead

TSL in orbit of Malachor V: One more must die for them to win

The piece reconstructs the final minutes of the planet very well. The battle did have losses as a real battle would, and victory is at a cost.

Last Night

PlutoSpawn

TSL enroute to Korriban: What exactly did happen last night?

The piece is fun and at the same time confusing. Mira is cute hungover, and threatening to blow Atton's Choobies off with her grenade launcher not once but twice was a riot. Her conversation with Mical is one of those 'I was drunk and you were the best choice' explanations that sounds good in your mind, but tells the other person too much about what you were thinking drunk

My question is about the secondary part, which is the communication with the outside. Though it sets up some interesting problems ahead...

Pick of the Week

Halloween fun

Achalys

Pre Mandalorian Wars on Dantooine: The pranks go a little too far...

I was all set to lambast the author of this piece as it violates the canon (A Long time Ago, in a Galaxy Far, Far Away) by using an Earth holiday. I have gone through the entire argument in nauseating detail at Lucasforums > Coruscant Entertainment Center > Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118.

But the story was a riot, the pranks a lot of fun, and the aftermath excellent. Leaving out the obvious links to the holiday as others have would have made it perfect!

And this author closed this account because they couldn't write? Wouldn't be able to tell it by this story!

Pick of the Week

A Bounty Hunter's Tale

ShadowWolfXX

Improper word usage, wondered instead of wandered, through instead of threw, parent instead of weren't, a instead of I, were instead of we're, battled instead of battle, that kind of thing.

Try not to use game references to skills. Calling one player a level one pistol and another a master rifleman may tell the reader something, but it isn't a meter of how well a written character would act or react and tells me as a reader nothing about his skill. To my mind a policeman with a pistol he uses occasionally would be level one meaning he is sure of not shooting his own foot off accidentally.

Technical note: ships have different names for common things, such as corridors or halls being called passageways, doors are hatches, that kind of thing. Read my article Lucasforums> Coruscant Entertainment Center> The Resource Center> Ship nomenclature, or; It's not a door, it's a hatch blast it! To get what I am pointing out.

The most unbelievable points in the story are two:

First, that a professional bounty hunter is merely going to scurry away like a standard bounty trying to escape. After doing the job for even a year, you would know that as the old saying goes, if you run all that happens is that you die tired. You would have to strike back at those following you rather than just running until one catches you.

Second, you have him covered by someone twice, yet he succeeds in killing them instead. This is unrealistic. Take the redone scene from ANH when Han Solo is confronted by Greedo. While it was redone because people felt it made Han look like a stone killer if Greedo didn't shoot first, it was also unrealistic. To have Greedo miss a full on target at less than 18 inches (half a meter) would only work if he wasn't aiming at Han originally. The reason Han was able to draw without being noticed was due to the fact that he distracted Greedo by talking and using his left hand as if following something on the wall.

You have your man leap to his feet from his back, draw a carbine and aim it, something that would take maybe three seconds while the guy covering him could have gotten off three shots in the same time.

Then you have a master rifleman covering him yet he does not get off a shot when your hero draws of all things, a knife to throw.

Memories

Shinaria

Post KOTOR location not given: Revan decides to atone for her previous actions

The piece has a broken feel to it. The character is so deep in her own depression that the world is a bleak landscape with no end in sight.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/3218982/1/A_Small_Discovery

A Small Discovery

yellieisarobot

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Revan and Malak find the first star map

The piece needs editing more than anything else; there were several times when the wrong word is used.

That being said, the only flaw is one the author pointed out; that they are finding the Star Map far too early in their lives. To just a pair of young Padawan this is a big thing to find, but it's unlikely they would have held the secret long enough for KOTOR to happen.

Star Wars Episode 0: The Rise of Sidoious

BJoker1

Several Decades before TPM: The young man who will eventually become the Emperor spars with his master.

Remember conversation breaks; it becomes confusing after a while if you leave them out. Also sight edit to check for errors that will pass a spell check. It was hopped into your ship, not hoped.

Second, Sidious is a Sith, not a fallen Jedi; so having him train in the Jedi Temple doesn't work; primarily because I doubt the Jedi would have forgotten someone who trained, left half way through, came back as a politician etc.

Here Without You

KnightSkye

Post KOTOR: Bastila can stand the emptiness no longer

The piece is sad and poignant. You get the feeling that Revan is dead rather than charging off into the Unknown Regions. The only negatives I have for it is wondering why an order that can, assuming they rewrote Revan's mind totally rewrite a personality, would not be able to stop one self destructive impulse like this one, and that Bastila's door in the enclave would be something that sounds like a blast door.

Suaidan · August 5, 2012

Thank you for the review i feel it is very accurate. I too was very much in a state of non-belief over maul's survival but felt that if i added someone else full explanation to my writing that i would be slightly plagerizing and i want this story to be very original. It is mostly setting up Nyro's life not maul's so much but if any fan would like to study more into the subject I will leave the link here and also the clone wars TV series explains it even better. As to "why" Lucas decided to leave such a big question with only a slight explanation is beyond me BUT I will continue to work on my writing skills and try to guarantee that "Nyro's" story is very in depth and entertaining. Thank you Machievelli for your proffesional style of critiquing it will help to make me a better writer.

This is the link: http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Darth_Maul

machievelli · August 6, 2012

Thank you for the review i feel it is very accurate. I too was very much in a state of non-belief over maul's survival but felt that if i added someone else full explanation to my writing that i would be slightly plagerizing and i want this story to be very original. It is mostly setting up Nyro's life not maul's so much but if any fan would like to study more into the subject I will leave the link here and also the clone wars TV series explains it even better. As to "why" Lucas decided to leave such a big question with only a slight explanation is beyond me BUT I will continue to work on my writing skills and try to guarantee that "Nyro's" story is very in depth and entertaining. Thank you Machievelli for your proffesional style of critiquing it will help to make me a better writer.

This is the link: http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Darth_Maul

It is plagerism only if you claim the work as your own, as in trying to sell it. All I mentioned is back story, and it can be doled out over a period of several chapters as you decide if you wish. As for 'taking' their work, I rewrote parts of both KOTOR game because I refused to accept the common view of them; having the Krayt Dragon eat Calo Nord for one, and since the info about the Mass Shadow Generator's deployment was so vague I put my own version in, which included someone else setting the blasted thing off just when the Republic was winning instead of what Emperor Devon came up with, which was Revan committing mass murder to get rid of the Jedi that weren't already on her side (My Revan and Exile are both female), while killing off about three million others in the process.

Suaidan · August 6, 2012

It is plagerism only if you claim the work as your own, as in trying to sell it. All I mentioned is back story, and it can be doled out over a period of several chapters as you decide if you wish. As for 'taking' their work, I rewrote parts of both KOTOR game because I refused to accept the common view of them; having the Krayt Dragon eat Calo Nord for one, and since the info about the Mass Shadow Generator's deployment was so vague I put my own version in, which included someone else setting the blasted thing off just when the Republic was winning instead of what Emperor Devon came up with, which was Revan committing mass murder to get rid of the Jedi that weren't already on her side (My Revan and Exile are both female), while killing off about three million others in the process.

Ah so i could have just added the back story they already had about his survival as long as i made it clear that it was their work not mine? That would have helped alot in the explanation of the set up. Although i don't know what they were thinking when they wrote his survival anyways...so many questions i had about that lol.

machievelli · August 6, 2012

Ah so i could have just added the back story they already had about his survival as long as i made it clear that it was their work not mine? That would have helped alot in the explanation of the set up. Although i don't know what they were thinking when they wrote his survival anyways...so many questions i had about that lol.

I don't know if you have read Stephen King's Danse Macabre, but in it he mentions two different classics where the authors made glaring mistakes. Dafoe in Robinson Crusoe has the main character strip nude to swim out to the ship wreck, then has him filling his pockets.

Then in the original Doctor Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, Mr. Hyde pushes through a crowd as three in the morning, which causes the crowd to gather outside Jekyl's townhouse to protest. As he commented himself, what was a crowd doing on the streets of London at 3 AM? Probably trying to figure out where Crusoe's pockets were...

machievelli · August 12, 2012

A Package

Darth Pooba

No specific era given: A young girl trying to deliver a package runs into trouble

The piece is well written except for problems that editing would cure. As an example, snow would have crunched under her feet rather than crunch.

While a first work of a few years ago by your own admission, it does show promise.

Welcome to the forum

Faceless

MsFicwriter

NSW Fiction: A child wonders about god.

This work was reviewed 22 July 2012. However the last time the site went down, we lost several weeks from July. So I was willing to review it again.

As with most of her work so far, this sets up an interesting premise. I noticed that the questions the child asked fit no specific religion, yet have points where you can see your own at need. God is an invisible being, in this story so much so that the priests were faceless masks in imitation. 'God' speaks to the priests alone; whatever they say God said is the truth.

Even without being informed in the title heading that it would a horror story. I would have known it from the ending of the post.

Since she posted all of it, I read all of it. The story was well wrought, the basis of what was happening well explained. Being the daughter of a heretic makes her the perfect one to break the deadlock.

Pick of the Week

KOTOR III: The Force Reborn

Leo Damascus

KOTOR III: An overview of the newest Jedi

The piece, as the author states, is confused, and goes every direction at a great rate of knots.

So I Dated a Sith Lord

Effiron

KOTOR era, no specific location: Them Force users have some weird mating rituals...

Remember characterization; except for the fact of their sex and Rina's hair color they could be a kid with an overactive imagination using two action figures.

While we have two adults here, I keep picturing two kids of about high school level martial arts arguing over which school is better. As it would with kids of that age, if finally devolves to name calling. But a lot of fun.

Pasts Secrets

Kaiju Moth

Two years Post KOTOR AU: An ancient menace arises within the Republic

I didn't have time to read too far; it's 30 chapters and I was only able to read the first two, so I still don't know exactly what the menace is.

The problem with 'ancient' evils is that they are vague in concept. There was an American kung fu movie made back in the mid 70s where an evil man was looking for an ancient weapon so powerful it would destroy the human race. At the end, with the bad guy captured, and the tomb where this ancient weapon was hidden discovered (And even then I wondered, how the hell did a super weapon 2,000 years old end up in the US?) you find out that it was merely gunpowder.

Knights of the Old Republic 3: The Final Darkness

RonRules

One year after TSL: With the enemy destroyed, the saviors of the Jedi have another threat they have to face...

The piece is a bit of slice of life with a reunion battle.

The intriguing point is that the new enemy required both the dark and light siders to work together to defeat it last time.

Superiority at Any Cost

Kallamae

Pre KOTOR on Korriban: Dustil and Selene in the Academy

The piece sets up the death of the girl and Dustil's reaction to it. The manner in which his superiors merely decide to disposed of her is chilling, but normal for the Sith.

Juma

Allronix

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Hope that your first time drunk your partner is a true friend, not Atton

I read this through, and was amused until the last two lines. Then I laughed like hell!

You know if anyone actually liked Mical, it wouldn't be considered AU; you could create a mod to have him with a male exile. The analytical mind diagnosing his condition was fun. I have had blank spots when I drink, but I have never had a hangover. His thoughts that the symptoms are not as mild as the dry text suggests is attributed, as any of you who have had a hangover knows, to the difference between reading about it, and experiencing it.

But that is only the start of his troubles, according to Atton. Best read without me giving away too much...

Pick of the Week

We Change For Those We Love

I Will Not Forget

Aminta Jae

Originally reviewed 9 March 2007 That review is below:

Approximately five years after TSL: With both of their men at war; Revan and the Exile receive the worst news any woman in that position can receive. Companion piece to we change for those we love.

The style is excellent, the scene crisp and clear. The reaction by both women and children as clear as if they were our own families. This piece cannot be praised enough.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Aminta Jae

Originally reviewed 9 March 2007 That review is below:

Approximately five years after TSL: Before their final battle, Carth and Atton reminisce about the women in their lives. Prequel to I will not forget.

Some word usage problems ‘him’ instead of his. The interplay of the relationships is well delineated, and the scene, which is a common one for those going into battle is almost perfect. Good work.

Reprise Pick of the Week

Reflections and Endings Adnarim

Pre KOTOR above Malachor V: The deed is done, and the General suffers for it

The scenes are the hectic scramble you would expect in a battle. I for one shifted the blame for what is about to happen to another, primarily because I could not see the Jedi accepting a Pyrrhic victory. But regardless, our character must suffer for it.

Silence in the Midst of Victory

Elena

Pre KOTOR on Coruscant: In the aftermath of the Mandalorian wars, the survivors of that last battle disperse.

The piece was reminiscent to me of a song written by Eric Bogle named 'and the band played Waltzing Matilda'. For those who have never heard it, go to Youtube and put in the title or the artist. It was done in honor of the men who fought and died at Gallipoli, which to my mind was one of the worst run campaigns of WWI, and considering some of the boneheads in charge of the Allies at the time is saying something.

It is a little known fact that the Aussie troops captured the hills above Suva Bay in the first few days of the campaign, then were ordered back to the beach because thay had not been ordered to take them. Those same hills are the ones Bogle commented on where 'Johnny Turk' set up to fight the battle, and the massacre that followed was fought in a vain attempt to retake them.

Here we have not the battle, but the aftermath as the song covers well. No one is cheering when these people muster out, no parades, not bands. Just a group done with their duty departing.

Pick of the Week

The Blazer Wing - Chapter 1: At War

Last Of The Lineage

Mandalorian Wars: A Jedi General undertakes his first independent command.

Technical note naval; A corvette is a workhorse vessel primarily as an escort for convoys or larger warships in whatever time it is linked to, but it is too large to fit inside a hammerhead (What the Wookiepedia calls an Axehead instead) frigate. Yet you have several of them aboard this one.

Picture this modern example:

USS Stark, an Oliver Hazard Perry class frigate (Displacement: 4,100 long tons (4,200 t) full load Length: 408 ft (124 m) waterline, 445 ft (136 m) overall, 453 ft (138 m) for "long-hull" frigates Beam: 45 ft (14 m) Draft: 22 ft (6.7 m) Is taken aboard the Tarawa Class USS Peleliu amphibious assault ship. (Displacement: 39,438 long tons full and 25,982 tons light Length: 820 ft (250 m) Beam: 106.6 ft (32.5 m)

What is wrong with this picture? While the Corellian Blockade Runner from ANH was small enough to be taken aboard the Star Destroyer that pursued it, the Imperial ship (At almost a kilometer and a half in length) is a lot larger than the Axehead (Less than 315 meters), and even larger than the 150 meter blockade runner.

During the battle over Telos where the Sith attack, the smaller boxy warships that arrive with the Axehead frigates are corvettes, and none of them are small enough to be loaded aboard the frigates.

Technical, Ground Forces: The term mechanical merely means 'having to do with machinery' whereas the word Mechanized when used by the Military means to equip with tanks and other armored vehicles. Using modern parlance again, ground units are infantry (Both mechanized and leg or in modern parlance 'light' infantry) mechanized (A combination of both tanks and infantry) or armored.

Technical Ground forces general: When you combine units as you have done, you do not end up with a squad (a small number of soldiers, commonly 10 privates, a staff sergeant, and a corporal; the smallest military unit) with the numbers you have given you have a light company (Around 70 men instead of the standard 110 men of a company) of infantry with two squadrons of armor. That means either six or seven squads or an over strength platoon (44 men) of infantry.

The basics except for what I have noted above is good. Keep it up.

Affection's Affirmation

RogueLadySabyne

Post TSL: Sabyne and Mical?

RLS created her own version of TSL with count 'em, three characters as the Exile, with Sabyne listed above as one of them. Having each have their own view of who is a perfect partner is just good fun.

machievelli · August 19, 2012

By my side: Now and forever

Despair and Hope

Chevron 7 Locke

Originally reviewed 12 May 2012, re-reviewed upon request

SW TOR On Taris: A Sith feels an emotion that has nothing to do with evil

As said in the first review, The piece is up to the author's standards, which are high. C7L, because of the dichotomy of a Sith actually falling in love. I know it has to happen, after all, where would little Sith come from if they didn't?

Now the next is written from the Technical view, not my own heart, as it were; since I have never accepted the unremitting 'bad guy' motif of the SW universe.

Technical notes; Darth Baras is reacting as you would anticipate a Sith would except for one minor thing; one of the real sadistic masters would have merely waited until their journey brought them home, or gone to where they were, and had Toryal himself kill Vette. Remember that in KOTOR you get extra darkside points if you order Zaalbar to murder Mission rather than killing her yourself. Yet Baras made a further mistake when he ordered Quinn to poison her.

People tend to forget when they are reading that as John Ringo comments constantly in his Aldenata series, 'Aliens are aliens'. When he says it, he means how their minds and societies operate, whereas I mean physically. If you have read my own The Birth of the Republic and Republic Dawn, I comment on it with a drug in the former, and a naturally occurring anesthetic in the Twi-Lek analog of the mosquito in the latter. In the first case I go over (If I remember correctly) four different races and how it affects each differently. I did it again when Yaka, the Ithorian Padawan-learner of Breia Solo is eating pancakes with syrup for the first time.

So logically something which is deadly poison to say a human, might be a spice used in food preparation to another. When Baras ordered her death, he should have specified what to use. Not as hard as you might think, since with so many alien species in the SW Universe, any medical database would have listings of medicines that must not be used on members of another race. For that matter a cookbook would have a listing of aliens who should not eat certain dishes because of such a possibility.

Overall, good work. Keep it up.

Revan sama

Post KOTOR: The descendant of Bastila and Revan faces the same problem

A very nice view of a mother realizing that soon, as much as she or the child hates it, he will be alone if raised as a Jedi.

I gave a lot of thought to how Jedi raise the younglings, and as much as I loathe their restrictions on the age of an applicant, I do understand why it is done in this manner. However at one point in a story I read about a couple of years ago, the author had the Jedi literally whisking a child of less than one away to be trained. As I commented at the time, it means you would have to have an entire character class of Jedi babysitter.

The reason you take them young is simple; a child's attitudes are formed by their parents. As Francis Xavier who was one of the co-founders the Jesuit order said, "Give me a child until he is seven and I will give you the man".

To teach a child to become the kind of person you wish him to be, in other words, you need to start early. Between newborn and the age of two the youngling is fixated on learning about his world from example, and having his own needs met. Feeding, changing, cuddling, etc. Psychologists have proven that a child of this age who doesn't get attention a mother normally gives her child will have severe problems in associating with others later in life.

So you have to leave them alone until they are older than two unless you have a full scale team with no other duty than to cuddle and play with them. But to train them in Jedi skills (Or for that matter, the Jesuit outlook on life), you have to break them away from that constant 'me' view to have them willing to learn. Psychological bonds are formed in that early period that have to be broken or redirected as the Jedi would have it, which is why Anakin at nine (Three years after they would normally be taken) is considered too old; he is formed emotionally as much as any human being is before puberty.

A Halloween Bash

Crystal001

Pre-TSL: All of the Sith Lords go to the annual Halloween ball...

I usually lambast an author for using Earth holidays (Go to Lucasforums > Coruscant Entertainment Center > Resource Center> The Expert Forum > Page 3 > Post 118 to see why) but I didn't have the heart here, the piece was too much fun.

A couple of lines caused me to giggle. The Sith kiddies frying the stereotypical 'are we there yet' kid, the reaction of Nihilus to the building on Malastare; ' "And just look at what they have inside! They have captives--and torture chambers! They get to have all the fun." He folded his arms and proceeded to pout'. Followed by Sion's duel in the circle; 'Fi knew how to fight dirty, but Sion had a trick up his sleeve that Fi didn't expect; he fought fair and square. It took Fi completely by surprise, and Sion ended up defeating him easily because of it'.

Underneath all of the evil armor, they're just little kids, right?

Pick of the Week

Killing Light

Hazard

Pre-TSL: How the Twin Suns came to be

The piece is an interesting back story for the Bounty Hunter pair. The end of their master was so choice: 'He screams for his security, but they do not come. The food does not agree with the commander of his soldiers. The air does not agree with the soldiers in their barracks. The virus does not agree with the security system' showing how thorough their disabling the system was.

The only quibble I have is one that actually can be applied to pretty much a lot of the Roll Playing parts of the series; The burning Twin suns would probably mean their master was on Tatooine. But considering that it is one rather unimportant planet on the Outer Rim, having everything have to go there is sort of like having every adventure go through 'Outer Hicksville'; pop 74.

Pick of the Week

His name

Darkness and Light

Pre Mandalorian Wars: A young Jedi reveals a dangerous power

The basics are good, and the description of how the power affects it's area well done.

My question is this; how would the Masters react if someone showed a power like this? Would they strive to find a way to develop it for use in a positive manner (Think of reviving a dozen or so unconscious men) or simply remove the child from the force?

Atton's Mistake

WinterOnasi

Pre-TSL: A new haircut? Not that bright an idea...

As one of the reviewers commented, this is the 'real life intruding ' type of story. Unless you have a reason for going to a barber (An episode of Noir where Murielle is getting information from her hair dresser comes to mind) getting you hair cut is merely boring for the one being worked on. Having everyone else, customers and workers alike be hairless was cute.

Confessions of a Fool

PhantomMenace

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: If only...

The piece is very well done, looking on what the man hopes for even as he feels he cannot have it.

Coming Home

Crystal001

Five years post TSL: Revan returns to a different Republic

The piece has an interesting twist. Two depart to defend the Republic, and a different pair become a couple because of what has happened since.

Mandalorians of the Old Republic

The sith redemption

Brad

No specific era given: A Jedi falls

The piece had little rhyme nor reason in this first section. The Jedi doesn't even put up a fight, merely challenging, then falling to the dark side.

Wardude

Post KOTOR: A unit of Mandalorians face the Sith

Minor grammar note. Sheer (Close) rather than shear (cut).

The battle is brisk, but doesn't quite jell. Admittedly having a dozen or so men blasting away at the same time should overload the dark Jedi and cause them to be killed, but the scene is too contrived.

A Life Twice Lived

Misty Glow

KOTOR on Taris: The hero does what she must to survive

The piece is unique in that this one has the character dithering because she is wondering what trauma caused her to have problems with her memory. She is obsessed with it to the point that we are reading her journals.

Reunions

Fatemperor

Post TSL on Citadel Station: The Exile departs to find Revan

The piece is a lot lighter than most set at this point. Unlike Revan who is usually depicted as running off like a thief in the night, Taryn has already had the discussion of why she has to go alone, and her old shipmates seem good with it. I noticed the author used Brianna instead of Mical, but I tend to agree with him. She's much hotter and not as whiny.

the princess the exile and the bodyguard

Steffano

Post TSL crossover of KOTOR And Final Fantasy 7:

Remember conversation breaks; for that matter, remember quotation marks. In the paragraph (As you wrote it) beginning with Meanwhile you have six statements that are obviously conversation, but they are crammed into a single paragraph, and only two have quotation marks. This is confusing to the readers. You should also remember to capitalize proper names so it is Shadow, Cloud, etc.

In the paragraph beginning with 'Evacuate the ship!' you have too many things happening, and you had sequencing problems. You have the escape pod launching at the same time as the missile hits, yet say it was before the missile struck. Remember that while it looks to be instantaneous when an explosion goes off (Of any kind, even Nuclear) the blast front propagates away from the detonation at a set speed, very high for a nuke. If you are inside the blast radius you are superheated plasma, and within line of sight you are hit with radiation that super-heats everything around it, which is why you have flash burns a kilometer or more away.

Only then do you have the affect you mention, the shock wave pushing the object away.

Descriptive note: The Mon Calamari is a race, not a planet (Their planet is named Dac) which is home also to the Quarren. The reason I mentioned it under description is that the Mon Cal, like the Selkath of the game, wear environmental suits when out of water. When the escape pod was discovered, the first thing they noticed should have been her race, after all, how many Goldfish or Squid do you know that walk upright and talk? Also, without knowing more about that, how would you estimate age?

There's an old Science Fiction story about an alien rampaging through a small town after a spaceship crashes. Everyone panicking as you would anticipate until the creature is finally captured. Then, as they are getting ready to get really violent with the captured being, they are told that two members of an alien race is visiting our planet, looking for their youngest daughter who was in a small ship that crashed earlier.

Suddenly the humans seeing 'her' can pick out all of the signs of immaturity to the point of saccharine sweetness.

Remember that the flow of a story is like a river. It can be as smooth as glass, as choppy as white water, but you are the one determining that course, and the smoother the flow, the easier it is for the reader to merely lay back in the water and allow it to take him where you want him to go.

It was a confusing read because of the errors listed above. It made no sense for example to exile Silver merely because she had feelings for Cloud.

The Dashing and Tragic Carth Onasi

Candace McPenguin

Pre Mandalorian Wars: Two pilots bond, then are destroyed by that bond

Technical note: It makes no sense to put even basic flight school on Coruscant. One accident can take out a multi-tens of thousands skyscraper. Look at present day Miramar Puget Sound or Pensacola, one for further training, the last two for new pilots. Both of those locations are lightly occupied, meaning few if any are in danger. Whereas placing basic there is the equivalent of putting it in downtown modern day Tokyo.

Second, they would not allow a woman to follow her boyfriend from base to base, though once they were married Morgana could now be assigned housing.

The piece is well done with a lot of good back story on the relationship between the two men. But the ending makes what Saul intends too obvious. A man planning treason would not be that obvious, and Carth's reaction in the game suggests the approach was more subtle than it is portrayed here.

Pick of the Week

machievelli · August 26, 2012

SWTOR: Part I: The Pursuit of Revenge

Bastila in wonderland!

Revan sama

Pre KOTOR: Alice in Wonderland, KOTOR style

Remember to sight edit; you have worked instead of work in the paragraph about the Duchess and Cook, then used smock (a piece of apparel) instead of smoke (Burning leaves breathed).

One reason to sight edit is you (like I) forget words, like 'Castle of (the) queen', and didn't told me, it's either 'didn't tell' or 'never told'. 'because the guards don't let the outsiders taking the fruits' should be 'because the guards don't let the outsiders take the fruit'; it's only plural if the assailant is not.

Remember that if you're crossing over with a different universe, it has to match both of them. So if you're mixing Louis Carroll and George Lucas, your additions must match his work, along with that by GL. As an example before Revan every other character you met was a cardboard cut out. It doesn't quite fit otherwise.

Watch this clip from the old Moonlighting episode 'murder in the mall'

where the writers went all Dr. Seuss on us. I have not seen the scene since the special they made around 1982 when they ran it again, (which means 30 years) but my own memory played out about 90% of it without a bobble. The writer kept to the information from the episode, and converted it to Dr. Seuss's style. He even added an homage to the Dr with:

Maddie: How do you do that?

David Addison: I read a lot of Dr. Seuess.

LDR

Rework of previous piece reviewed 30 June:

'until it cut the droid in two' should be 'as it cut the droid in two'. 'he went into hiding' because of context should be 'he has gone into hiding'.

Technical note: A vibroblade and a lightsaber are entirely different weapons with different operating principles. The best description I have found is not from the SW universe, it's from “In Fury Born' by David Weber where they call it a Force blade. You have a blade of metal that is by itself sharp, but the metal blade is only a guide and focus for the force field that makes it even more deadly; a force field that can be focused down to the molecular level, and extends the 40 cm metal blade to almost a meter.

A lightsaber uses the crystal to create a beam of energy, and the 'beam emitter' sets the length of the 'blade' you have created.

The reason I mention this, is Cortosis according to canon interferes with the crystal's function itself, disrupting the beam within the beam emitter area. Think of the applique armor created by the Israelis and Russians. Shaped Charge weapons had grown strong enough to penetrate anything but the English designed Chobham armor, and those without such armor were feeling inadequate. The applique (Also called explosive armor) creates an explosion of plastic explosive mere centimeters from the actual physical armor on impact of the probe (Which is set ahead of the warhead) creating a roiled area of air which disrupts the shaped charge blast, and weakens it.

As a lightsaber passes into a layer of cortosis, it breaks up due to feed back and shuts down. A vibroblade would be unaffected.

This is not a ding, it's just that I have studied military ordinance for over four decades, and when I see a weapon such as a light saber revealed, I find out how if works. Thanks to the authors of the EU, I have a pretty good grasp of this.

Understand the weapon, understand how it is used, and what has been done to try to negate it. Then go out there and make your version work.

The Return of Revan

Cowgirl Jack

Post TSL: With a few companions, the Exile sets out to find Revan

Remember to sight edit, you used noticed instead of notice, then in a descriptive line had Carth tell 'her' about Revan.

Technical note: A frigate is a midsized warship. If you looked in A Janes' fighting ships from this Era in Star Wars, the Ebon Hawk would be considered the equivalent of a blast boat (Think of Boba Fett's Slave One).

The writing style is dry in the prologue, and the entire back story was unnecessary beyond the discussion with Revan. I for one wonder why Revan didn't kill Soner as well.

Reflections

lacthryn18

Minor grammar mistakes, it is their stations not there. Sheer (Thin) opposed to shear, you also used abut (To border on) instead of about

Don't assume the spellchecker will catch all mistakes. You used trooped instead of trooper, and since it was correctly spelled, the program ignored it. Remember to sight edit. This isn't perfect either; when I wrote my own Return From Exile over at the Lucasforums story site I used you're instead of your, and my readers caught it as a grammar mistake, but I reviewed the chapter and sight edited a dozen times before I caught it.

Minor technical notes: 'Melee weapon' is a class of weapon, like saying polearm or firearm. The range of weapons within that class run from a zwei-hander sword down to a roll of quarters., though in the next paragraph you gave a type to it.

A bulkhead is a solid surface on a ship, you go through hatches in them. For a second I pictured the scene from the Clone Wars movie when Ventris cut through the hatch here, then pictured it closing back up by itself when Trask leaped through.

An insulator protects against an electric current. What you meant was that the armor acted as a conductor, which carries it.

I only had time to read the first chapter, and I wish I honestly had the time to read the lot, because you have a crisp clean style. The problem I had with the original game was that you don't know exactly what force took down the Endar Spire beyond the few fighters shown in the opening scene, which, if you have read history from WWII, might have been able to blow a frigate away by themselves.

I noticed your comment that you were following the scenes pretty much as written, and that actually detracted from your style. Having Carth or Trask give advice regarding other parts of the game such as shields or slicing was done so a newbie gamer realizes they are options. In real life, as you showed with other things, it's all up to the character fighting for their lives. Explaining what she did to use a secondary system to power the door for example was good. The end scene in the pod was funny because I know there was somewhere other than his lap to sit.

Pick of the Week

Hell and Back

Themapples

Post TSL on Dantooine: Two old friends consider not the battle, but what they were fighting for in microcosm.

The piece is a nice little slice of life. The battles are over, and they merely watch two children play, knowing it is what the whole battle was for. The only negative I could see was totally removing the Force from Dantooine as if it were a storage battery drained by all of the fighting.

Pick of the Week

DarkPrince

Post KOTOR: Some lies must be told...

The piece has a darkside ending with a male Revan, but you don't know that until the end. But love still bridges the gap between the Darkside and the light in this piece.

Pick of the Week

Best Intentions

Trillian4210

Ten years before the Mandalorian Wars: A young Iridonian goes through the day he becomes a man.

The piece is very well done except for the flash forward needed conversation breaks.

The look into the life of the Zabrak of Iridonia is excellent. Reading it I got a feeling of a modern group of Native Americans using recorded drums, with the shaman who has other duties during the day giving each boy his own ritual to match the old ways. Having a force sensitive finding this specific boy's path is excellent.

Pick of the Week

Not Some Fabrication

Even Gods Dream

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: Where does the dream end?

The piece is both gently loving and terrifying. The Exile goes through loving one man, murdering another, and waking up to find that it hasn't happened.

I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Pick of the Week

Back Up: The Refugee Sector

Onasilvslv

Post TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Following a dream, Carth goes to find the man in it

The piece has a mystery element to it until the dream is explained. The idea that everyone in the cantina he visits it makes it perfect.

Memento Vivere

Revan's Pet Duck

TSL on Malachor V: As the last two survivors of the crew fight to escape, they have both agreed they will not die.

The piece was well done, though sad. The line Jiara liked reminded me of the movie Thor which I saw two weeks ago. Thor commenting that he didn't plan to die, and Heimdall replies 'No one ever plans on it.”

Stay

Adnarim

TSL on Citadel Station: He doesn't ask to go, only that she stay a little longer

The piece is poignant in it's sadness. Like her friend, the Exile must go on alone from this point. But the one man she truly cares about must stay behind...

Pick of the Week

Riena

Crystal001

TSL on Telos: The Eldest Handmaiden has some disturbing thoughts.

If you have read my own Return From Exile and the Beginning, you will notice that I have tried to dig deeper into the mindset of the Echani because sadly, there is little in Canon about them beyond their making their own weapons and armor and physical descriptions. We know more about Ithorian society than we do about this now defined as near human race.

Crystal has done what I did, fleshed out the attitudes behind that face, given us a deeper understanding not only of the specific situation, but the main characters view of it; an important point when discovering why a specific race does anything.

As an historical example, there are three things to bring to mind. First, Americans had little understanding of Japanese society before the Second World War. We knew they were Asian, and not a whole lot more. This went both ways. Second; In one of his 'The Corps' books, A character said it best as an analyst; The reason the Japanese were still using codes we could break two years into that war was because they believed their codes were too subtle for the Western mind to comprehend. The fact that Operation Magic worked was because of that arrogance.

Last, when the Raiders struck at Makin Island, the prisoners captured were executed. Yet while the Americans were incensed by this, the Admiral (Admiral Abe) required that the executions be done using all the proper forms for a respected warrior under Bushido. They were given the proper last meal, the executioners were warrant officers; in other words, superior in rank to the executed, and it was done on 16 June, which to the Japanese people is considered very honorable; it is during the festival of Mitama Matsuri when all of the souls of warriors are honored at the Yakasuni shrine, and newly dead are enrolled.

Remember the movie 'The Last Samurai' when the disgraced General is executed? The only person on the field superior in rank to him was the leader of the rebels, who acted as his second when he committed Seppuku; a high honor under Bushido. If you wish, check out Google for the term and see what Bushido requires for a failed officer. It will turn the Western stomach, but is considered the norm. Think of a German or Japanese soldier dying in the US during that war, and being buried at Arlington with full appropriate military honors from their nation.

In return for their 'honorable' treatment of these men, the Admiral and two junior officers were hung for murder at the order of a second lieutenant.

Keep it up.

Pick of the Week

Storytime with Grandpa

Darby Ogill

40 Years Post TSL:Granddad has some interesting stories...

The piece is interesting first because it's a Bao-Mira pairing. We get to see the patriarch of three generations regaling his grandchildren about the mission that brought him and hisw wife together, with a lot of humor and love involved. His version of how the ended up marrying is funny because you see him in it as a clueless Barve caught ready to be served for dinner, while the truth is not even close to it.

Pick of the Week

Malachor V

Vervain

Mandalorian Wars at Malachor V: Let it end today

I have a highly retentive memory, and the scenes before the battle remind me of 'The Longest Day' where the fighter pilot played by Richard Burton blows up about when the invasion is going to start, yet ends the scene with 'as long as they wait until I finish my beer'. The Exile here like that man after over four years just wants the waiting to be over.

The fun part was the byplay, the young man who curses every other word, enjoying it when the general slips.

The battle was well done, both in space and on the ground, the terror of the Mass Shadow Generator driving them both insane for moments.

Looking at the aftermath, three Republic ships departing, I am reminded of one of the supposed quotes from King Pyrhus of Epirus after the battle of Asculum where he supposedly said '"If we are victorious in one more battle with the Romans, we shall be utterly ruined."

Pick of the Week

LDR · August 26, 2012

Thanks for the review mach! It appears I still have much to learn.

I thought that it was phrik that short-circuited lightsabers - not cortosis - which is why I didn't use it. It appears that I mismatched them.

machievelli · September 3, 2012

Deos et Mortabilus

Yukub

Non SW: An observer of the human race may have delved too deep

While only an intro, it does have possibilities. One minor quibble; man suggests that the observer is himself human. While we assume genders for say angels, they are not humans by definition, so having one angel ask the 'man' whose post he has assumed would be incorrect.

The way around this would be to simply say he had asked the Cusgard before him.

Going on about angels for example, the descriptions have always been of a being that is beautiful, but androgynous. That is why the actress Tilda Swinton who played Gabriel (A male) in Constantine was good for the role.

Kill John (Chapter 1)

christos200

Imperial Era: An assassin is sent after a target

I have said it before, and I repeat, one thing you need is someone to beta read and edit your work.

'Give me the same drink I had drink yesterday'. should be Give me the same drink I had (to)drink yesterday. and the following sentence should merely be 'What did you drink yesterday?'. when he says he was drunk the next sentence, 'I had already drink a bottle or two' would be smoother if you had said I had already (had a few) but remember that using White's law (A writing tip for a professional) never use two sentences when you need only one, (Even corrected using both sentences are redundant) Never use two words when you need only one, and never use a long word when a short one will do.

Also, just saying it was from Naboo is like the comment in the old Star Trek episode when Scotty is drunk enough that he can't identify a beverage, and just says, 'It's Green'. If I walked into a local bar, and started the conversation as you did, I would be handed a list for most nations instead of the bartender saying, 'Ah, that'.and it isn't you drink three, it is you drank three.

The fight scene and the intro to it doesn't work. If someone tried such an obvious protection racket opening in what I have seen of the Star Wars universe, they would have found themselves covered from every part of the room by customers that don't want their drinking disturbed. It's like the stereotypical scene where stupid crooks try to rob the bar the local cops hang out in.

Also why is a man who is standing going to stab his opponent in the foot? He has a knife, not a sword, so he would literally have to bend over, making himself an easy target. Instead he could cut the arm or slice across the chest, cutting the clothing and not the man if he is any good. Or he could have just thrown his knife into the foot if that is your preferred target.

It would be He died a month ago, not 'before a month'. Also 12PM is automatically noon just as 12 AM is midnight, so it doesn't have to be explained. 'what is the Job of this guy' should be 'what does he do for a living', or 'where does he work'. Last in the intro section the word in brackets is redundant.'enters (inside) a strange building'. Also, what makes the building strange? Is it something that doesn't fit the neighborhood? In Japan for example, you'll have a bunch of towering skyscrapers and in among them some little family house or farm where the owner refused to sell, and still lives there as a break in the panorama. A building can seem ominous, as in that it has no windows looking into the street the observer is on. Give us more than just 'strange'.

The basic idea is good, but without a beta reader, you make it a chore to read your work. I had to go back a couple of times or read the sentence over just to figure out what you were saying.

It's such a quiet thing to fall—Atton

A Life-Debt Unpaid

Light Speed Tangent

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Mira fights for her life

The piece needed editing. Primarily because the battle didn't make a whole lot of sense out of game context. As much as they used mines with varying effects, ice, gas, etc, in real life they don't make a lot of sense. If you know an enemy might use poison gas, you make sure to have a gas mask as part of your standard equipment. Same with smoke, carry a set of IR goggles. That is why in modern usage you have smoke (Primarily as a marker) incendiary, flash bang and frag.

Bald As Malak

Pre TSL: Who is the hunter and who is the hunted?

The piece is like all of BAM's work, interesting and with surprises.

I hate it when the next scene is so obvious I know what will happen. I love to be surprised. So this one did just that. The idea that the last Jedi Atton supposedly killed was still alive, and who she was shocked me.

And I loved it.

Pick of the Week

A Jedi's Heart

Nadia

approximately five years Post TSL on Dantooine: Revan and the Exile will be returning... Is it time to finally tell him?

A member of a militia is a militiaman.

The piece is a bit surprising in the pairing. The idea that she has waited all this time only to discover he loved her as well was good. The statement given to Mical by the Exile was poignant; it's the part about holding no love that has always been a problem for me with the Jedi beliefs.

Echani Wisdom

PhantomMenace

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk: If he won't talk, beat it out of him

The piece is good because both characters are themselves. I played the game with a female character and put up with Mical once before I restarted it and used the mod to have Brianna instead, and was much more satisfied. After all, I like the Echani race very much, and when I create a character of that race, they are always live to me.

Since as Brianna says several times, her people judge you only in conflict, and having this be a knock down drag out sparring match makes wha she does learn even more interesting. The ploy Atton uses to stop her from asking more questions; kissing her, was well done, and didn't surprise me at all, though her later reaction did a bit.

Pick of the Week

The Many Levels of Maintenance

Darby OGill

TSL aboard the Ebon Hawk: Fixing things in more ways than one.

As another reviewer commented, it took me a moment to figure out what Bao was doing, and watching it was fun. I really can't accept the last few lines for only one reason; having Atton just suddenly ignore the mind trick sounded to me more like he had finally caught on and was getting even, especially with his clueless act.

Another reviewers comment that the Exile would use buy me chocolate was also fun.

Pick of the Week

Smoking Buddies

Revan's Pet Duck

TSL aboard Ebon Hawk on Korriban: Another way to pass the time.

I notice that more and more, people are linking Death Sticks to cigarettes. The first time I did it was when I got frustrated with one of those vehement nonsmokers who act as if you've just dumped plutonium dust into the air; which is the premise of the 'dirty bomb' we all worry about.

It was a fun way to get these characters together amicably without, as an other reviewer commented making them best buds or bed buds.