machievelli Posted May 2, 2008 Author Share Posted May 2, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Jedi, Reloaded Tysyacha KOTOR During escape from Taris: Damn those cheat codes! I wasn’t sure whether to groan or laugh when I saw it, Tys. Or is this insult to injury? Still a riot. P'yanitsa "Barfly" Tysyacha Continuation of the Vremya series: Yet another person with a past. A very interesting introduction. Like the others that have read the series to date, I am sure I can identify our new character, and will enjoy seeing more of the series. [Episode II-III Fic] I, Vader Tysyacha Scenes from both Episodes II and III: Told from Anakin’s viewpoint. The scenes are laid out in an interesting style, with some unique view of what was occurring. I am more interested in seeing the rationalization of murdering the youngling myself. You got a pick of the week for two, Tys. Those who know me will figure out which two, and why the other was not picked. The first one to tell us which one was not picked and why gets a Whatever Prize. KotOR the untold story OfficerDonNZ Pre-KOTOR: Events from another perspective. You forgot some words, such as ‘I’ve found the location (0f) something’ and used the incorrect words such as scanse and Something’s instead of some things. You also have a problem with run on sentences. None of these is a major problem. Just remember, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish until smooth. The basic idea of the story is interesting enough to keep me going, and that is one of the most important parts of any fiction. The Last Lesson Darth Bender No specific era given: The last meeting between a Sith Apprentice and his master. You forgot some words, such as ‘I must admit though, (I) am surprised that you come to confront me face to face‘ and ’It is the nature (of) the Dark Side,’ and used the wrong words (It(’s) inevitable demise). This is an editing problem, so no worries. The discussion was interesting but I had a problem with the end. In any situation where you are going to use something like poison gas, you would need to remember the antidote. After all, having both die is unnecessary. The Great Dark War Arcesious Sometime in the future of the Star Wars Universe: A supership begins a reign of terror. Problems with word usage such as liberally (With little restraint) instead of literally (Almost completely). This is an editing problem. Technical note: If you are going to create a super technology, remember that some thing never really change. A ship 7200 kilometers long is greater that the diameter of the planet Earth, but would not have enough room aboard for a 32 billion man crew. Plus, the amount of energy required to move the vessel is greater than anything at present imagined. If you have figured out what this would be, let me know. A Broken Mind Mr BFA TSL beginning at Nar Shaddaa: The descent of a dark lord There are editing problems, but nothing that a mere polish wouldn’t cure. An interesting work in almost painful detail of the descent of a dark Exile. A perfect return for our prodigal son. Welcome back, kid. Pick of the week Knights of the Old Republic: Light and Shadow Lord Spitfire KOTOR From the Endar Spire to Star Forge: The main problem I had was with terminology. As much as the game called it ‘sniping’ (The correct term not sniper) the correct term is ‘aimed fire’ compared to burst fire. When writing fiction you have to remember that your readers might not have played the games. There are ways to carry the same weight without using the terms in question. Look at the work of Stingersh, and Jae Onasi among others. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Exile The Love Star Aminta Jae Three Years after TSL: The Exile reminisces, and sheds a tear for her lost love… The piece is well written, the story a bit of legend that deserves it’s place. I enjoyed it immensely. Pick of the week. A Drunk Reunion StarWars Chick After TSL: Nothing like a drunken party… There were word usage problems, nothing a mere edit will not cure. The basis of the story was well done, the end a riot. Well done. I Have a Good Feeling About This... Jelenedra TSL on Dxun: Can Atton open up to the woman he loves? You forgot a word (See the first sentence mentioning Dejarik) and had some cumbersome sentences a bit later. Nothing an edit wouldn’t cure. That said the basics of the story are good the idea well portrayed. All in all excellent work Pick of the week No One is Beneath Redemption Nivenus TSL During the Korriban mission: A view into Kriea’s philosophy. The work is dreary, but I enjoyed it because it reveals a good idea of what she consistently believed behind all that disparagement of the Light Side of the Force. A tour de Force Pick of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted May 2, 2008 Share Posted May 2, 2008 Thanks, Mach. It's been too long since I posted something! Editing has gone underway and hopefully I more polished, and completed version will be up in no time. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Darth Bender Posted May 2, 2008 Share Posted May 2, 2008 Thanks for the review! I fixed up some of the mistakes. Good point about the ending, I'll think about a better way to finish it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 6, 2008 Author Share Posted May 6, 2008 I sent out a request for people to let me know if I should review their non-SW postings. What I got was a resounding silence. All right my dearies, no more mister nice guy. I am going to have to start at page 18, the very bottom of the list. If anyone is interested, I'm going to be using comments, since most of the Outer Regions stuff (Mine included) got few or no comments. So I'll be done in about two weeks. It also means that if you want to comment, you had best play catch-up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 9, 2008 Author Share Posted May 9, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center DBZ no title yet Reven0123 DragonBall Z adventure: After a spy is caught, a mission is planned. The biggest problem is flow. It doesn’t flow well and part of that is TMI, what my wife would call Too Much Information. Don’t get too far into the minutiae of why and how. As is pointed out in the Making of Star Trek, you don’t have Marshal Dillon explaining the mechanics of the Colt Peacemaker, because they are incidental to the story. This causes rocks to fall into the flow of the river of the story, and that causes the reader to be buffeted. The smoother the story flows, the better. This like a lot of problems is an editing problem. Just look at the work, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish until smooth. The explanations of the training clothing is excellent, giving someone like me (Who never got into the DBZ universe) an idea of the why of their costuming. a star wars story with no name Commas No specific era given: A Dejarik game leads to a more interesting proposition I missed this one on my first run through because it’s only a few paragraphs long, and hasn’t been touched since 2005. The work is interesting in it’s own way, so the author should maybe expand it a bit? Evil Terror RevanMMaster Non Star Wars: A demon from hell thirsts for revenge. The basics are good but you’re hurrying the story too much. You go in two paragraphs through a century of enslavement and revenge, but have no explanation as to why. Slow it down. Horror writing, like any story, is a refreshing drink to be savored, not chugged like a glass of water on a hot day. Four Rogues: A Dramedy Tysyacha Non-Star Wars: A thief has his day and his say in court. The primary things I saw wrong with this were two. One, it is two blasted short, and second, I’m wondering why a Constable is passing sentence, the duty of a judge. Still a Pick of the week. Puns HappyMojo Non-Star Wars fiction: A teacher will teach, even when it is a story. I cut you some slack because of the time you spent on it. So just remember, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. Sort of like a Chinese cookie, a subtle taste with an interesting aftertaste. Too short for my tastes. Power Lord Spitfire Non-Star Wars Fiction: Evil has a defender… The work is interesting, but the premise is curious. Everything in life has a balance, yet you leave that out. If you have an explanation, I’d like to hear it. kotorfanmedia Light Side Female Exile The Paths We Take EmeryBoard After TSL: The Exile decides she must follow Revan alone. A pity she doesn’t have a say in the matter. The piece needs editing, and polishing. Beyond that I loved the way it flowed and ended. The ending was one of the best I have ever seen. Pick of the week. The Final Moments Winter Onasi After TSL: Revan considers that it was teamwork that made everything come out in the end. The basics didn’t follow the canon., but by the same token did I care as I read? No way, because it flowed well. The Story was aq curious and fun departure from the canon, and well worth reading. Pick of the Week. Return CodeNameTargeter Originally reviewed on June 7 2007. I failed in posting this on Kotorfanmedia last year, but here it is now. After TSL: What do you do when your love finally comes home? This could have been taken to any genre of movie from western to the stars, dropped in, and it would fit smoothly. That isn’t derogatory. It’s a comment on how well the author works. 14 thumbs up. Reprise Pick of the Week. The Return of Revan Jedi Serenity Originally reviewed on June 7 2007. I failed in posting this on Kotorfanmedia last year, but here it is now. After TSL: Carth and Revan are reunited. The story is basic and poignant. Very well done. 20 thumbs up, and worth every one. Reprise Pick of the Week. When I started I intended to have only one piece of everyone’s work. Of course I was working from the bottom of the original Author’s list, which has since become defunct. That is why I did not review this work before, and all I can claim is youthful inexperience and long and faithful service. But Amber deserves the same treatment I have given every other writer who posted more than one work so… Spoken For Amber Penglass TSL, No specific period: Nothing can be as frightening as Marriage? Some word usage problems, Wristful instead of wistful, the instead of they. Nothing major. Merely an editing problem. That said, I started giggling when I got to the Alien chief’s diatribe, and the end was pure choice. All I am hoping for is the scene that follows this one, because her revenge has to be as monumental as her irritation. Pick of the Week. A Mismatched Set-Chapter One FalnAngel9124 Originally reviewed on June 7 2007. I failed in posting this on Kotorfanmedia last year, but here it is now. Set almost two decade before KOTOR: An unlikely pair of friends meets Jolee Bindo. Having Revan come from a society as straight laced as the one Falnangel describes is just so choice. Especially being born of an upper-class of that society. How Revan handles it, and how easily she is willing to throw it aside makes the characters even more interesting Reprise Pick of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 16, 2008 Author Share Posted May 16, 2008 They put the Outer Rim (Non Star Wars) in the normal queue here, so I’ve been going through all of them. Only two pages (A dozen by me) so if anyone wants to try their hand and stick a fork in me by all means do so. Otherwise they won’t be reviewed. Coruscant Entertainment Center Fable- My GCSE Entry- TSR Non Star Wars: Sometimes, the evil just wants to rest… While the basics were not too bad, you tend to create massive paragraphs. Remember first that a paragraph addresses one concept at a time. When people speak, you have to break the paragraph again, and if it’s too cumbersome people won’t read it. Cade Drottning Reuben Shan Non Star Wars set in the world of Eragon: Sometimes it only takes time to see what you want. The piece is short, and the only problem with that was you forced the story to make it so brief. Remember that a story has to flow, it has to take the reader with it. If it is literally run from place to place you end up with confused readers, not satisfied ones. Ease down, and let the story flow naturally, give us more to see, to visualize, and to enjoy. Don’t worry, it’ll come. Trust me. I, Vader: Part II Tysyacha Near end of ROTS: Anakin considers his recent past to see where his fall began. The piece is the usual work we can expect from Tysyacha. The story is flowing well and I anticipate the third part. Tales of a troubled Elf SilvanElf Non Star Wars: After a battle, the old ways still work The problem I see here is only one, SE, where is the rest? Little Dreamer Bee Hoon Non Star Wars: The past and future collide in more ways than one… An interesting piece, BH. If this is the one you wanted reviewed, good work. Pick of the week. This is Our Way The Source No specific era given: A dark Lord contemplates his discoveries. All of them. Problems with word usage. Ceiled (To provide or cover with a ceiling. ) instead of sealed. The other problem is I saw at least four places to break that one monumental paragraph. The basics and work was good, just not up to your usual standards. kotorfanmedia Dark Side Revan Tol-Mar chapter 1 INicol1990 After the Star Forge: Time seems to slip as Carth buries his friends, and Dustil mourns his father. The piece was a bit confusing, but the very confusion engendered makes me want more. Pick of the week. Loyal Darth Mettiz Some time after Malachor V: An eager dark apprentice waits for her master’s return. Some problems with word usage, faced instead of fazed, whish instead of wish. The basics are good, and I just wonder who this little homicidal maniac is. More please. Light Side Female Revan Only You. Chapter: One TearsOfDarkness Six years after the destruction of the Star Forge: On the anniversary of the destruction of the Star Forge, Revan has her annual nightmare, but there is more than just dreams evil to fight… The piece has some interesting moments. It does tend to drag a bit, but that is because it doesn’t flow perfectly. But that is an editing problem. Please, keep it up. Double Dare Miraea Starr TSL After the battle of Onderon: Place your bets, place your bets! The piece started off rather bland, but the flashback, the bets, the Exile in a nightie, Too much good stuff! Pick of the Week. Rude Awakenings Mayla The Mandalorian Wars during Battle of Dxun: A little bit of comedy during the horrors of war lighten the mood. The piece flowed well, the scene well done, the story excellent as it is. It’s well worth the read. Pick of the week. Backup: Beginnings Onasilvslv Five years after the destruction of the Star Forge: Between enigmatic warnings from long dead friends, and dreams starring others, Carth Onasi suddenly discovers a need to search for his love. The piece started slow, but moved inexorably to a conclusion that leaves you wanting more. Well worth the read. Pick of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted May 17, 2008 Share Posted May 17, 2008 Thanks for the pick of the week, mach! Yep, that was the one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 23, 2008 Author Share Posted May 23, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center A Matrix Online Fanfic: Mediation Davinq Non Star Wars fiction set in the Matrix: Two rival groups fight to see who can control the human side of the Matrix. Remember quotation marks. If the conversation is telepathic, using italics would be acceptable, but in normal conversation, it helps the reader focus. The piece has it’s moments, but frankly was not my cup of tea. The Dreamed Memory Ferc Kast Non SF: A dream segues into reality… The biggest problem was the piece was too short, and ended without resolution. The dream did resolve it, but how much of real life would follow that path? Short Funny Fics Daft Adidas Non SW fiction: A couple of off the wall vignettes. Remember to check your spelling, and edit. The pieces were interesting in their own right. Time Can't Stand Still Forever Empress Padme Non Star Wars set in Inuyasha: Love works in mysterious ways… Remember to leave spaces after periods, and edit. You used a lot of improper words, your instead of you’re, to instead of too, that kind of thing. This is an editing problem, and I’ve done it so often people have gotten tired of digng me on it. Never gotten into Inuyaha, but it does all right. Keep it up. Taryn's Interdiction JediMaster12 Non SW Fiction set in Star Trek Hidden Frontiers: An old friend is asked to undertake an important mission. The piece is up to JM12’s normal standards. For those who are into the Star Trek Universe. It flows well. Two Sides of Heaven ForceFightWMe12 Non Star Wars Fantasy: Flight from a demon leads to rescue. Long time no see, FFWM. Some of your best work so far. Pick of the Week. kotorfanmedia Prologue: Malachor Aimee TSL after battle of the Trayus Core: Make you choice without regret. This is a short piece, just the dying words of one of the combatants. But it is an excellent vignette worth a second look. Pick of the Week Treasure the Moment Darth Narciss TSL in the Traya Academy: The final confrontation between the Disciple and Atton with a unique twist. Read this at the start, I thought, Ho-hum, Mical and Atton yet again. Boy was I wrong. When the fight started, I was instantly caught up, and read it in a flurry. Excellent work. Pick of the Week. Over the Edge Paranoid Gerbil TSL At the Traya Core: Creatng the perfect assassin has it’s downside. Like the story above, this surprised me. The plot shifted enough that what I expected to happen didn’t occur, and I like it when the author surprises me in that way. Very well done. Pick of the Week Love and Good-byes Jae Onasi TSL After the Traya Core: As Kavar dies, the two women that loved him most confront their feelings. Another surprising viewpoint. Having Kavar survive the slaughter of the masters is well done, and the goodbyes were well done. Others have already critiqued redundant phrases, and the one paragraph that does appear to have been tacked on, but all in all an excellent read. Pick of the Week Final Message Sebastian DeLaOsa TSL After the events of Dantooine: A last message sparks feelings of regret. It’s my week for stories that surprise me. This one did because every time you see Vrook in the games, he’s, not to be too polite, an irritation. The nicest thing I could say about him was even as a good guy I was happy he died. But not this time. To see that irritating man as a gentle person was surprising, and to see that his apprentice felt the regrets when he died made me reconsider him. Pick of the Week. past, present and future Darth Jedi Master TSL At the Traya Academy: Sion remembers and hates. You forgot some words (‘That was all he could of now’ needs a verb to make it a complete sentence). Not a big problem. When I get into the flow I forget whole sentences. So it just needed editing. The piece does flow well, and in my opinion is just the right length, not something I usually say about shorter pieces. Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted May 30, 2008 Author Share Posted May 30, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center It's Just a Little Thing Jae Onasi No specific time given, though after KOTOR: Friendship means doing things for others… The piece is up to Jae’s usual great standards, and even if it is short, it was worth reading. Pick of the week. Midday on Dantooine The Source No specific era given: The joining of two warriors, even unto death. The only problem I had with this Source was why it was one massive paragraph instead of the three I would have used instead. The Piece 1 of a Map Tysyacha KOTOR On Dantooine, The installment immediately following The Jedi, Reloaded: Our friend has not really learned any better… The piece fits with everything written so far, so what can I say? Pick of the week. Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic 3, the True Sith War. Darth Scorpius There are problems with phrasing ‘he might want to fight it out in the Unknown Regions and get himself possibly killed’ is cumbersome, more readily understood if written ‘more likely he might want to fight it out in the Unknown Regions, even if it meant is death’ Some word usage problems sewing (connecting two things with thread) instead of sowing (scattering). The piece is short, but what we do have is intriguing. The Adventures of Revan, Gray Jedi Master. Darth Scorpius Spanning from KOTOR to Hoth: Sometimes you just have to go with the flow… Having the POV change so drastically was a bit jarring, but I was able to follow it after a while. Problems with improper wording. A person manning a gun is called a gunner The one thing I was hoping for was an explanation of how Revan survived for 4,000 odd years. Having him in the present as it were made an interesting view of the world. Still pretty good work. A silhouette of the dark Mr BFA NSW Fiction: The problem is letting go… An interesting piece. The problem was that it didn’t really flow. It was more like a surrealistic painting, and like such a painting it becomes more interesting the longer you look at it. Worth reading. Pick of the week. kotorfanmedia Dark Side Male Revan Forest Of Lies Part 1 Lord Zeuss KOTOR After Korriban on to Kashyyk: Revan slides further out of control. The story comes out of nowhere with a unique way of looking at the dark side. The arguments given are more rational than most of the ‘I’m of the Dark Side’ view, where the bad guy just goes from Jekyll to Hyde in the same scene. The slippage is more discussion leading to thoughts that go to the dark in a logical manner. Well done. Light Side Female Revan Nothing Lasts Forever QuantumSheep PreKOTOR to the future: How do you derail a prophesy? Can you derail one? The story was well done, but the constant jumping in time caused some confusion. I enjoyed it though. I Remember The Disciple TSL at the Traya Core: As she fades from life, The Exile remembers one last moment of pleasure. This piece required a second reading. Not that it was bad, rather it was so well done I was moved by it. The sorrow was poignant and the end was just icing on the cake. Pick of the Week. The Crazies Only Come out at Night Trillian4210 TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Whose the baddest, Mical or Atton? ‘complete the task correctly and timely.' would have been better as ‘correctly and in a timely manner.' But that just might be me. That said I enjoyed it. Irreverent, full of innuendo. Very funny. The discussions in the arcade merely make the same discussions in the store that much more amusing. The constant one-upsmanship between Mical and Atton is choice. Well worth reading. Pick of the week. One They'd Never Seen before Katara Ironarm TSL Enroute to Telos after Peragus: An artifact from the past links the Exile to the original crew The story is short enough that it leaves you wanting more. It is an interesting twist on the canon in that you glimpse briefly what happened when Revan and her crew were aboard. Pick of the week. INFLUENCE GAINED: MANDALORE Codename SailorV TSL No specific period given: Mandalore gives some good advice. Written in script form, the piece had Mandalore, not much for introspection, giving advice on love. It is interesting in it’s own right, and gives some depth to the bluff warrior the game created. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The_Catto Posted June 3, 2008 Share Posted June 3, 2008 Thanks Mach! (Would I have believed it? ... Possibly not. But, there you have it!) Thanks for the review, and I guess there's one upside to have a fic like this: the more people that read over it, perhaps more other people will read it also. Thanks for, Pick of the Week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 6, 2008 Author Share Posted June 6, 2008 to everyone wondering where my column is; I have been using the varied routers around my home so I would not have to walk over to the local library to do my article. however none of them were working starting tuesday, so I had not even started my article when everyone either went down, or didn't pay thir bills. That means I have failed you. sorry. But I will have one up next week. promise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 13, 2008 Author Share Posted June 13, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center The Lost Tales Of Revan Shato Khan After TSL: Members of both crews are gathered to find Revan. Some problems with word usage and spelling, Though there is no evidence, I would surmise the author is not a native English speaker. Some of the words used are almost as if trying to spell phonetically. Everything I would have said in a normal classroom situation have already been delivered by others, so I will not belabor them. My major complaint is the brevity of the pieces. There is so much you can do yet with it. I await more. Prizrachniy Chelovek (The Ghost) Tyshyacha After TSL: Seventh chapter of Vremya Tys, you’re always doing this. Very good work, the brief interplay where the hero can’t find out what’s happening until she finishes her chore the perfect counterpoint. Pick of the Week Story Number One WHOOHOO Samuel Dravis In the Aftermath of the death of the Empire: One loose end is taken care of. The basics are good, but you depend too much on dialogue to carry the scene. And it is spelled virulence. The rationalizations of both sides were well thought out. While brief and a bit unsatisfying, I liked it. Cantina rat Salzella Most of the comments from other readers had dealt with the problems in the piece. The term pre-Republic was a bit confusing. Saying was pre-contact (As in before the Republic contacted the planet) or indigenous would have been better. One scene has the hero being fired upon and deflecting fire, but the wording isn’t clear as to who is doing what. A minor fix. The basics are good, the piece worth reading. Just the Way You Are Inyri Aboard Ebon Hawk During KOTOR: Mission likes Gizka? The piece is well written, albeit short. I agree with Jae, some more reason would have bee nice, but no matter. Popsicle Bliss Bee Hoon PreKOTOR: A Padawan finds that some pleasures are still there. It was well written BH, and seeing Revan and he Exile I assume as children was amusing. A light hearted romp, well worth looking at. Pick of the Week kotorfanmedia Chapter 1: No, You're Never Gonna Crack Darth Xio Jade Over a year after TSL and the Exile‘s departure: As bickering continues in the newly reformed Academy, Revan finds herself rescued… sort of. Remember conversation and paragraph breaks. Everything there is of this so far is good, but that one thing distracted me. Keep it up. Destiny: Part I Aderyn During TSL Just before Ebon Hawk heads to Malachor: Revan returns, but te war lingers… Considering what I know about men coming back from combat, this story is poignant. Revan spends her time constantly on guard, afraid that she might be attacked, typical not of the average soldier, but the hard core veteran who spends months in combat. It takes time to get the sound of incoming out of your ears, something we have forgotten since Korea. The process we see begun here will take time. Very well done Pick of the Week. Healing Wounds Ilirium Malachor V: As the Exile is headed for her last confrontation, Malachor seems to be helping her get rid of her doubts. The story is well done, what there is of it. The last line was a bit confusing, and as others have said, it is open ended. Very good work. Possibilities 1: Exile and Bao-Dur WinterOnasi TSL In search of the last two Jedi Masters: A pair of people find comfort, and perhaps love. The story snuck up on me even though I knew what it was about. Based on a collaboration, the words of WO and the art of Farlander compliment each other. Pick of the Week. Possibilities 2: Exile and the Disciple WinterOnasi TSL after Dantooine: A long ago relationship may blossom in the present. Artwork by Frandart The story is not as good as the one above, primarily because the situation seems more contrived. I for one loathed the Disciple (Though I did give him space in my own Fan fic), but it is nice to see someone give him a better look than normal. The Trouble With Never Aderyn The flight from Malachor after the climactic battle in TSL: Te Exile admits her love, and explains hos she survived. It’s a bit generic, but the scenes were well done, and the flashbacks assured we knew what the character was thinking. Well done. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tysyacha Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 Thanks again for the Pick of the Week! I promise, no more Vremya until you catch up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bee Hoon Posted June 14, 2008 Share Posted June 14, 2008 Thanks for the pick of the week! Lol prolific. Now that's a word I'd never imagined being applied to me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 20, 2008 Author Share Posted June 20, 2008 Coruscant Entertainment Center Nasha Doroga ili Shosse (Our Way or the Highway) Tysyacha After TSL, Part 8 in the "Vremya" series, maybe it was heat prostration. Or maybe not… The piece fits in with the of the story so far. The only negative is that wages are garnished, not garnered. Pazaak, Juma juice, and a Lucky Gizka Arcesious No specific era given: Sometimes luck is where you find it. The game itself was a bit contrived, with the Gizka picking just the right cards. But having it get drunk was choice. Cute. Archivarius (The Archivist) Tysyacha After TSL, Part 9 of the "Vremya" series: Another old favorite joins the crew. This is flowing well. Jolee comes off just as irascible as before, and the addition of him to the crew will make it more interesting. Smyert' Shpionam (Death to Spies) Tysyacha After TSL, This is Part 10 of the "Vremya" series: Jolee reveals his mission, which adds more complications. The additional data here helps push the story along. This is flowing pretty good, Tys. Another bulk Pick of the week. A Growing Darkness Mr. BFA Dark Side end of KOTOR: With the Republic reeling, Revan begins recruiting starting with the sole survivor of the failed mission against the Star Forge. The piece needs editing (Who has failed to have me say that?) but flows well. The basic premise used in recruiting shies away from the stereotypical Dark side attitude in what to me is a logical manner. Not even the Nazis with notable exceptions were evil just because they could be. Pick of the Week. Death to a Planet by DarthRevan243 Pre KOTOR: The attack on Telos and it’s aftermath. You know, kid, everything negative I might have said in first reaction had been said by others. It is too short, and there’s a lot that could have been done with it. Remember to let the story flow, because like a river it will find it’s own way most of the time. Allow it that flow, only reining it in when the flow becomes too discordant. A good first attempt. Now make me proud. Knights of the Old Republic III: The Force Entirety Burnseyy No specific era given:A girl helps a man being attacked, which will lead to more adventures. Some word usage problems, peek instead of peak among others. The primary problem is first we have almost no character development. What does our main character look like? Beyond her disgust with her brother’s hormonal rushes, what does he look like? Unlike the average SW story, we don’t have an existing template. Everyone knows what Luke or Han looks like, so aging them either way is simple. A good first attempt. kotorfanmedia Dark Side Male Revan Mass Consequences Chapter 1 DarthNemesis2 PreKOTOR, A Human ship from our future ends up in the middle of the battle of Dxun. The only real complaint I have was addressed The basic idea has problems, which I addressed back in October of 2006 at Lucasforums in The Expert’s forum post 117. However you have come up with a logical way for this to occur and explained one important point most of us have ignored which I address in the technical section below. The basics are good, the story has some interesting twists, and is worth reading. Technical: According to the EU, and this also extends to the Chronology, the capability to develop gravity sinks such as the Mass Shadow Generator didn’t exist until it was captured from an alien race faced by Admiral Thrawn right before the Clone War. But this story has a unique look that could explain how it could have existed then. Light side Female Revan A Walk of Redemption to Remember Wick3dWitch27 One Month after the Star Forge Mission: On her wedding day Revan remembers the gift that Malak gave her as he died. You forgot conversation breaks, and I see that you had the same problem with your autocorrect that I did (JedI). The problems as I see them are editing, nothing more. The piece is a one shot, but it’s well worth reading. Keep it up. Light side Female Exile Rescue Me Amber Penglass TSL Aboard Ravager during attack on Telos then in the Traya Academy: An Atton/Female Exile Snippet, The basics are good, the story well written. Having a game of one-gunmanship in saving each other was a bit of fun on it’s own. Pick of the Week. Mere Anarchy, Prologue Greengrass1914 Sequel to The Widening Gyre which is a novella bridge between KOTOR and TSL and set one year after TSL: Revan allows herself to be captured to save Dustil’s life I reviewed the Widening Gyre last year in February, and enjoyed it. This merely cemented that enjoyment. Pick of the week. The Awakening- Planet One- Peragus (Part One) Darth Jedi Master TSL on Peragus: The Exile awakens and meets Kreia. The piece was well written, but too short. I agree with the only other person to comment; more. Anamnesis Chapter 1 Arrow TSL Before departure from Malachor V: Revan is reunited with her ship, now past and present will collide. An interesting work, melding the past and present to make a mosaic to portray what is occurring. It flows well. Pick of the week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcesious Posted June 20, 2008 Share Posted June 20, 2008 Huh... Cool... I didn't know someone here gave reveiws of the stories here... I vote 'keep it up'. Every bit of C & C helps... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 21, 2008 Author Share Posted June 21, 2008 Huh... Cool... I didn't know someone here gave reveiws of the stories here... I vote 'keep it up'. Every bit of C & C helps... I've been doing it since 2005 and you just noticed? Whimper! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 23, 2008 Author Share Posted June 23, 2008 For those who haven't read tysyacha's work reviewed this week, I had posted this on her thread, and am reposting it here: Now, for a whatever prize, Which leader of the KGB actually started Smersh, and what was the name of the mother organization when he did? Oh and watching all the Bond flicks would give you part of the answer. His full name if you please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted June 23, 2008 Share Posted June 23, 2008 I'm thinking that it is Nikolay Aleksandrovitch Bulganin? KGB is the Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. It was an intellegance agency, aka the "Committee of State Security". That's about all that I could give ya. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 24, 2008 Author Share Posted June 24, 2008 I'm thinking that it is Nikolay Aleksandrovitch Bulganin? KGB is the Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. It was an intellegance agency, aka the "Committee of State Security". That's about all that I could give ya. Wrong. The KGB has gone through 5 name changes before the communists fell, and KGB is the last incarnation. Bulganin was never head of the intelligence services. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted June 24, 2008 Share Posted June 24, 2008 Tough question, but at least I tried. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 25, 2008 Author Share Posted June 25, 2008 Tough question, but at least I tried. good try. It reminds me of an 'important question' exercise we did where I came up with Miyamoto Musashi, and literally gave the person every clue except the name. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Totenkopf Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 good try. It reminds me of an 'important question' exercise we did where I came up with Miyamoto Musashi, and literally gave the person every clue except the name. Tried a google search on this. Appears that the parent organization was the NKO (People's Commisariats of Defense) and NKF (Naval version apparently). Wasn't sure if Beriya or someone named Abakumov (its appointed head in '43) were responsible for SMERSH (Stalin, perhaps?). Mind you, this is from wiki, so can't attest for any accuracy here. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rev7 Posted June 25, 2008 Share Posted June 25, 2008 I too looked on the Wiki page, among another one, that I can't find. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
machievelli Posted June 26, 2008 Author Share Posted June 26, 2008 Tried a google search on this. Appears that the parent organization was the NKO (People's Commisariats of Defense) and NKF (Naval version apparently). Wasn't sure if Beriya or someone named Abakumov (its appointed head in '43) were responsible for SMERSH (Stalin, perhaps?). Mind you, this is from wiki, so can't attest for any accuracy here. NKO and NKF were the forerunners of the GRU, but Beria who created it worked for the KGB offshoot of that time and worked as an advisor to the military Intelligence of the time. What is Beria's first name? Got a quarter Whatever so far. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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