Jae Onasi Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 I like the start. I can't speak to the accuracy of the Vong details because I haven't read the Vong books. I would add a little more scene description to add color so I can 'see' what's going on. When you can, let the characters talk to each other to give the story instead of you as narrator telling me. If someone is nervous, instead of telling me 'he's nervous', describe what he's doing that shows he's nervous--is he fidgeting? Tapping his foot? That kind of thing. The conversation between Ralik and Xerx was interesting. The only thing that caught my eye was Ralik questioning Xerx openly--in those kinds of society, you could get struck down dead for questioning orders like that. However, that's a little detail. Keep writing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 Good Chapter igyman. It might be short, but it makes me want to read the next part and see the battle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 14, 2006 Author Share Posted July 14, 2006 I like the start. I can't speak to the accuracy of the Vong details because I haven't read the Vong books. I would add a little more scene description to add color so I can 'see' what's going on. When you can, let the characters talk to each other to give the story instead of you as narrator telling me. If someone is nervous, instead of telling me 'he's nervous', describe what he's doing that shows he's nervous--is he fidgeting? Tapping his foot? That kind of thing. The conversation between Ralik and Xerx was interesting. The only thing that caught my eye was Ralik questioning Xerx openly--in those kinds of society, you could get struck down dead for questioning orders like that. However, that's a little detail. Keep writing. That's a great advice Jae, thanks. I'll work on that. As for the detail about the Vong, as I said in my first post, I'm working with the info from those two sites, so I too have absolutely no idea how accurate it is. Good Chapter igyman. It might be short, but it makes me want to read the next part and see the battle. It will be more a battle of minds, at least the main event will. There is a battle in the background. One question for all of you: As you've noticed I've been posting one chapter a day. Do you think that's too fast? Should I wait a bit longer before I post the next chapter? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jae Onasi Posted July 14, 2006 Share Posted July 14, 2006 One question for all of you: As you've noticed I've been posting one chapter a day. Do you think that's too fast? Should I wait a bit longer before I post the next chapter? Depends on how much you're writing and your time schedule. It take me longer because I have a million other things to do, and taking care of young kids and working takes a lot of time, and I write about 3500 words per chapter and angst over how this or that is working. Some of my chapters go faster than others. If they're done and you've finished your edits, there's no reason to wait. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 15, 2006 Author Share Posted July 15, 2006 Chapter III Ralik arrived at the site with twelve of his best warriors. It was the former industrial quarter of Coruscant, now it has been turned into a network of biot production facilities managed by the Shaper caste. Ralik took his amphistaff and ordered the attack. The warriors stormed in and went for the soldiers and Padawans, as it was ordered. Ralik went for the leader. The leader of this lot was a Jedi Knight named Sorna Vyr. Apparently she's been stirring up trouble in that part of the planet for months and now her indiscretion finally turned against her. Sorna was finishing one last meditation before the battle for her life would begin. She could hear the blaster fire and the people's screams in the background. It was very unsettling, even for her. Ralik calmly walked into the chamber, she didn't seem much of a threat to him. The screams didn't seem to bother him. ''So, the oppressor arrives'', Sorna said, sitting as if she were still meditating, ''Your mother would be so disappointed, if she saw you now.'' ''Your mind manipulation will not work on me, witch! I am immune to your so-called powers'', Ralik replied confidently. ''Then why do I sense what goes through your mind when you're fast asleep, huh, oppressor? The chamber, the figure and the words, I can sense a glimmer of the Force in your dream. Maybe you're not as immune as you thought?'' As she said this, unsettling thoughts went through Sorna's mind. What if this half-breed could be turned to their cause? At the same time Ralik thought of slightly different things. If he wasn't completely immune to this ''Force'', then perhaps he could find a way to use it. If he knew how to use the Force, no one would dare stand against him. Even that fool, Xerx would tremble before the very mention of Ralik's name. ''You may have a glimmer of the Force inside you, but there is only one place that could unleash your true potential. I speak of the Valley of the Jedi. I will take you to it, if you renounce your masters and join the Jedi in our fight to free the galaxy!'' Sorna suggested, confident that it would work. She had put too much fate in Ralik's human heritage. ''I have a better idea'', Ralik said, ''You will tell me where that valley is and I will give you a painless death!'' ''You fool, you should know that Jedi do not fear death! Nothing you do will make me betray the trust given to me by the Order!'' Sorna replied, her voice showed obvious disappointment. ''We shall see'', Ralik thought, but at that instant that same whisper that talked to him in his dream addressed him: ''Torturing her will produce nothing! There is another way. Concentrate, do you feel her thoughts?'' ''No... no... yes!!'' Ralik replied the whispering voice in his head. ''Good'', the whispering voice continued, ''Now, concentrate on the Valley of the Jedi and her mind will soon reveal its location.'' Ralik obeyed the voice. As promised, the Valley's location soon became known to him, there was no reason to keep the Jedi alive anymore. ''I have drawn all your secrets from your mind, witch!'' Ralik said confidently, ''I don't need you anymore. Die!!'' Sorna couldn't beleive it. This half-breed actually used the Force against her. Things have turned out worse than she ever imagined. She knew Ralik was serious, she had to do something. Sorna's lightsaber was standing on a small table at the opposite end of the room. As those words were spoken Sorna Force pulled her lightsaber to her, but Ralik was faster. He threw his amphistaff and stabbed the poor woman right through her heart. Her lightsaber fell halfway to her hand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC-1162 Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 sweet! i knew Ralik was Force sensitive. i cant wait to see what happens in the Vally fo the Jedi. just one thing igyman: i dont think the Jedi insult their enemies like that. well, at least as far as i know. so i think the "Fool!" bit was a little un-jedi. looking forward to more! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 15, 2006 Author Share Posted July 15, 2006 You might be right about the fool part, but I've read that the Jedi of that time divided into those who thought that stopping the Vong is a Jedi's mandate and those who considered such agressive actions to be against Jedi principles. Sorna was one of those more agressive Jedi. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 Good chapter. I liked how Ralik's mind showed him how to use the force. I wonder if this will come into play later... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 Well the New Jedi Order aren't as nice as they used to be... Anyway another good Chapter igyman and I like the mention of the Valley of the Jedi. That was my favourite Planet in DF II. Looking foward to the next Chapter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted July 15, 2006 Share Posted July 15, 2006 I have read igyman's fic and I find it to be a very interesting read. I do agree with Jae that more description is needed to give and idea of facial expressions and feelings. Also I suggest that when you plan out a chapter you might want think about how the events are connected. In my opinion I would have combined chapter's 1 and 2 since they tie together better. The whole dream getting interrupted by a summons and then going to meet the commander. In chapter 3 I was expecting a bit of a fight but it shows an interesting side of your baddie. I am curious as to who is 'whispering in his ear.' One more suggestion: when you write thoughts, put them in italics. It gives a good indication and differentiation between the spoken word and the thought. I would like to see more so keep posting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 15, 2006 Author Share Posted July 15, 2006 Thanks for the input JM12. The initial problem, as you probably noticed, was that I haven't estimated the length of a chapter correctly, so since they looked long enough in Word, I kept the first two separate, which turned out to be a mistake. Good suggestion on writing the thoughts in italics, I'm gonna do that in future chapters. Oh, and one information for all of you (though you've probably noticed it already): There's a notification in my sig on the latest chapter posted, as I post new chapters it will be updated, so you'll always know when new chapters come out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 16, 2006 Author Share Posted July 16, 2006 Chapter IV Half an hour has passed since Ralik and his troops returned from the raid. Ralik was walking to his quarters more confused than he ever was before. The green colored corridors he was walking through seemed to stretch on to infinity. He had just turned in his report of the raid to Supreme Commander Xerx, of course he left out the part about reading the Jedi's mind with the Force. Xerx was, of course, extremely pleased. Not by the report, but because of how much he managed to annoy Ralik. He was certain that next time Ralik would cross the line. When Ralik returned to his quarters he spent hours wondering is it really worth it, should he abandon everything he has achieved so far only to learn this heretic magic. He was so certain of what he wanted when he was in that room with Sorna, but now he just couldn't make a decision. He sat on his bed, in his mind the walls of his chamber turned from black and light green colors to a blurry shade of gray. Eventually he fell asleep. For the first time in the last month the dream didn't repeat itself. He saw the emptiness of space, he started to move through it with amazing speed. Suddenly, a planet appeared before him. He was descending quickly and he soon found himself in a familiar chamber. ''Not this nightmare again.'' Even though Ralik still saw the same ancient chamber and the same dark figure, this time the figure whispered different words. ''Congratulations'', the figure whispered, ''you have taken the first step towards your true destiny.'' ''True destiny?'' Ralik asked, ''What are you talking about? What true destiny?'' ''I will explain everything in due time'' the figure whispered, ''The first thing you must do now is reach the Valley of the Jedi. You know now where it is. Take a ship and go there, but be warned – the Valley is closely guarded by the Jedi.'' ''They are not a problem for me'', Ralik replied confidently, ''But my departure will not go unnoticed, the Supreme Commander will surely send Warriors after me.'' ''Then you must hurry. You will be vulnerable until you reach the Valley, but when its power unlocks yours, you will easily escape your pursuers'', the figure whispered, ''Now, awaken and go!'' Ralik woke up. He took only the most necessary items with him – his armor, his amphistaff and a few ration packs. The launch bay was ordinarily guarded by five guards. Ordinarily, but in this time of day, early morning to be precise, only two guards were present. The others must have been on a break. Whatever the case, the moment couldn't have been better. He snuck in, waited for the first guard to move away and continued towards some supply crates. The second guard approached the first one, it wasn't a pleasant job guarding these ships, so the guards killed time with conversations, mostly small talk about the events that marked the previous day. ''There's been another raid last night'' the first guard said. ''Yeah, I know'' the second guard replied, ''How many Jedi were there again?'' he continued, trying to prolong this meaningless conversation, it was better than silence, though. ''I heard there were twenty Jedi Knights, lead by a Jedi Master'' the first guard replied with a mild smile, ''and only six of ours.'' ''No, that can't be right!'' said the second guard, ''I heard there were seven of ours against thirty Jedi Knights and fifteen soldiers'', the second guard added, as if his information was more accurate. ''So, who lead our brave lot?'' The first guard asked proudly, now actually interested in this topic. ''One of the Commanders.'' The second guard replied, ''I'm not sure what his name was. A friend from Communications told me it was one of Supreme Commander Xerx's underlings'', the guard added proudly. Ralik had heard these kinds of conversations before, he was already used to them. As the conversation between the two guards continued, they were slowly coming dangerously near the crates behind which Ralik was hiding, so he quickly threw a ration pack in the opposite direction and waited until both guards moved to check what was the disturbance. After the guards left Ralik stole a Yorik-Stronha and left Yuuzhan'tar, unnoticed for now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Good chapter, igyman. I liked how Ralik had the dream telling him what to do. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Good chapter igyman. Looking foward to more. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 16, 2006 Author Share Posted July 16, 2006 Thanks people. Nobody said anything so I think I've solved the short chapters problem. What do you guys think? Are they long enough, or should I try to prolog the following chapters even more? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Diego Varen Posted July 16, 2006 Share Posted July 16, 2006 Thanks people. Nobody said anything so I think I've solved the short chapters problem. What do you guys think? Are they long enough, or should I try to prolog the following chapters even more? Well the length has improved, but I would type a Chapter out about three pages (Which is usually my minimum), but even then it still doesn't look long enough. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 16, 2006 Author Share Posted July 16, 2006 I doubt I can make them that much long when this fic is concerned, maybe in some next fic I'll write someday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JediMaster12 Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 Well Chapter four has gotten a bit more descriptive and there are a few more details. As to the length problem, I'll let you in on a secret. My chapters average 4-5 pages typed at 1.5 spacing on Microsoft word. They would be longer at 2pt spacing. I'll suggest this though because I believe Jae mentioned this for her fic: try writing out an outline of each chapter. Organize it into the main plot and any subplots that you want to add. Use words and phrases that may invoke ideas for images. Funny I suggest this but I don't do this myself. Mainly because I am an amateur poet and I RP my fics to myself. I will say their dialogue and think of their expressions when saying it. I also think of the already established characters and the personalities they have. Both ways work. Try them both out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 17, 2006 Author Share Posted July 17, 2006 Thanks for the suggestions JM12. I'll definitely consider them, but I'm not sure how much I will be able to implement into this fic without changing its plotline and style. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Niner_777 Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 That's okay. This is only your first fanfic, right? Your learning new ways to write and experimenting them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC-1162 Posted July 17, 2006 Share Posted July 17, 2006 yeah, don't worry. it was my third fanfic that made the big box office, so you can be sure you'll make it big soon Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 17, 2006 Author Share Posted July 17, 2006 Exactly. I'll post chapter five as soon as possible, you'll definitely like this one and the next one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 18, 2006 Author Share Posted July 18, 2006 Chapter V The next day Ralik reached the orbit of Ruusan. Like any skillful soldier, he scanned the planet's surface for signs of life, or artificial energy sources. He found none, but he remembered the dark figure's warning - the planet wasn't as empty as it seemed. Ruusan was once a pleasant world with temperate flora and fauna. Forests and meadows used to stretch miles across the planet. Now Ruusan showed a completely different face, it was dry, barren and almost lifeless, consequence of a terrible battle. In the end this world was almost completely forgotten by other cultures and thanks to nearby nebulae it became almost completely inaccessible to the rest of the galaxy. Ralik landed in a huge canyon, about three hundred meters from the Valley's coordinates and resumed on foot.While he was walking through the canyon, Ralik could see dead trees and animal skeletons that stood there as a reminder of the old face of Ruusan. During the entire journey Ralik had an inexplicable sensation that he was being watched, but he couldn't care less. He was confident that he could deal with anything this planet throws at him. About half an hour later he'd finally reached the entrance to the Valley of the Jedi. Suddenly a male figure appeared at the entrance. A purple beam of light was coming out of the device in his hand. He was a Jedi. ''I'll crush this fool swiftly'', Ralik thought to himself, but just then he heard another lightsaber ignite. He looked behind and saw another male figure, this one with a yellow lightsaber. ''Two of them'', Ralik thought while he tightened the grip on his amphistaff, ''this might prove a challenge after all.'' ''This place is forbidden to the likes of you'' said the Jedi with the purple lightsaber. ''How jealously do you Jedi guard your secrets. We always knew your 'Force' was nothing more than a perversion of technology!'' Ralik said to the Jedi in a mocking tone. ''We never expected a creature like you, devoid of the Force, would understand a thing about its nature'', the Jedi with the yellow saber replied. ''Well, perhaps you are right'', Ralik replied calmly, ''That is why I have come here in the first place. To harness the power of the Valley and use it to unleash my own power! And you two will certainly not stop me. Or don't you know who you're dealing with?'' ''We know, Commander Ralik'', the yellow saber wielding Jedi said with disgust, ''We know who you are all too well, butcher. You have slaughtered so many innocents, their screams echo through the Force. They scream your name, butcher.'' ''I do so hope their screams gave the two of you nightmares'' Ralik continued to mock the two Jedi. They ignored him. ''We are the Zann brothers! I am Valon'', said the purple saber wielding Jedi. ''And I am Kelar'', said the yellow saber wielding Jedi. ''We have been trusted with the task of guarding the Valley of the Jedi from all intruders and we have successfully performed our task for eight years! You shall not pass.'' The two brothers said simultaneously. ''What do you say we test that theory?'', Ralik said arrogantly, ''This 'getting to know each other' conversation was starting to bore me anyway.'' Ralik finished with a mocking smile. ''You will regret your arrogance, butcher.'' The brothers replied and prepared to attack. The Zann brothers ran simultaneously towards Ralik, one from the front, the other from behind. They swung their lightsabers at Ralik with the same precise timing that they showed so far. Ralik barely managed to defend himself from their attack by jumping sideways just before the brothers' sabers reached him. ''Impressive. They use team work tactics, but to a degree I've never seen before, when it comes to the Jedi. Defeating them may prove to be a lot harder than I thought.'' Ralik had seriously underestimated their skills. The brothers attacked him again. This time both attacked from the front. Valon concentrated on the torso and the head, while Kelar was going for the legs. Their attacks were so precisely synchronized, that all Ralik could do is try to block them. He didn't get a single opportunity for a counter-attack. The Zann brothers were slowly pushing him away from the entrance to the Valley. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RC-1162 Posted July 18, 2006 Share Posted July 18, 2006 excellent work, igyman. The length of your chapters have improved. though, i can tell you ways to make it longer: 1) if youre having a lightsaber duel, try to put in as much information of what's going on. this will not only net you longer chapters, but also gives the reader a detailed description of the fight. same thing with space or air battles. try to describe as much as you can. 2) like many others here have already mentioned, try to be more descriptive of as many things as possible, like the facial features or the weather, or anything else. this way, you can improve your descriptive and creative writing capabilities and end up with cool long chapters. great work once again! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
igyman Posted July 18, 2006 Author Share Posted July 18, 2006 Thanks, RC. As you've seen from the ending of this chapter, the fight isn't over and a more detailed description will follow in the next chapter along with more interesting events. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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